Bitches don't understand caterpillars

A: I feel like I should have a white van for kittens. I'm like a kitty version of a
C: Pedophile?

J: Please don't immolate my roomate. Unless you're willing to pay half my rent.
D: I shouldn't tell you about the insurance policy, should I?
J: Am I the beneficiary?
D: Indirectly.
J: The lighter fluid's in there.
D: It actually is in there.

C: Don't you like fire?
J: I want to save it for later.
A: We all know you're going to kill D.
J: That would be too predictable.
CC: It will be romantic.
C: It will be a romantic death scene...
J: We're cousins!
...
D: Or it could be like an exploding heart!
C: His body could fertilize roses!

CC: It's like a really bad tampon. It's like a canesten infomercial.
A: It's like the worst thing I've heard all day. Oh my god. And I can't stop doing it for some reason.
J: Anyone else need a drink?

J: C, do you want it?
A: Do not give lethal weapons to C!
D: I value my eyes.
J: It's not lethal; it's disfiguring.
D: Again, I value my eyes.

A: Oh, I thought you said 'fucking my bones.'
C: No picking...well, they might.
A: Like, on...
C: Or in the carcasses.
A: It could be a fetish...what would it be called if it were a specific part of a corpse? Not necrophilia...
C: Ossiphilia?

A: What did you just say? You would need a large vagina?
CC: No you'd need a really large penis that wraps around.

J: You'd think with the amound of expense I've had, I'd be better off faking them.
D: That's what she said.

J: Can we please stop talking about porn? It's making me uncomfortable. And I don't want to feel uncomfortabe when thinking about porn.

Bob Cole: And all the big guns are on for Pittsburgh: Crosby.....(long pause)

A: I am so gangster. Bitches don't understand caterpillars. Yeah. That so distilled my personality. Being all opinionated and then saying something like that.

A: And we made caterpillar friends! Well, I made caterpillar friends. You made caterpillar enemies.
C: They molested me.
A: They molested you. And I molested them!! It's the circle of life...And it moves us all...

A: You have a strong record of ridiculous.
D: I love that you're standing there with a knife.

J: You are the pinto bean layer beneath the mother is your sour cream. The tortilla chips are your repressed urges mixing you with your mother...

A: My mum, yeah...this time I asked for Christmas for the Millenium Album by the Backstreet Boys and I got this thing called "The Millenium Prayer Album."

MW: Well, I can't really relate to the characters that much.
U: Thank GOD.
MW: But it's kind of like escapism.
U: Because you and me, we'd have to have a talk.

MW: It's still a person. They can still respect you and want to drink your blood.

A: Well, the Japanese are perverted in a more imaginative, ridiculous, amazing way...
C: If you think about it, tentacle sex is probably effective.
J: Well, squids have teeth and stuff...
C: Well just in terms of flexibility and mobility and such...
(D walking in door)
J: I'm sort of going to have an inferiority complex by the end of the night because of tentacle sex...Hi D. Perfect timing.

D: I wanted to do that. Shout it out in church."Let's have sex!"
A: I'm thinking of the threesome with the Christ with the extra holes.
J: It would be a real party. He could turn the water in your body into wine.
D: Are you talking about alcohol-based lubricant?
C: Wouldn't that chafe?

J: Ok, so plan B.
D: What's plan B?
C: Cry like a BITCH!!
J: Again, not helping.
A: I don't think she's trying to help.
C: I love codeine...

D: What did one necrophiliac say to another necrophiliac?
Want to get a cold one?

D: That water cooler looks hot.
J: Are you hitting on it?
D: I've had my eye on it all night.
A: It's wet.
J: You going to tap that?
D: I have to turn it on first.

A: Can you imagine that? If C broke into your house...
J: *whimpers*
D: It's been a good life.
J: I think I'd have to put my dresser in front of my door and I can hide in the closet...
C: Yes, please tell me your plan.

A: Food is much better when it used to move on its own. You can almost taste its dreams.

A: So we have five channels. Three of which are named after numbers. Numbers above five. I never thought of that....

S: I mean, we had teachers who hit students, but it was accidentally. I mean he didn't meean to hit the marker in her eye - he meant to hit her with the marker, but not in the eye...

C: I think we need to make up lovers for the friends of our friends we don't know, so we can join in the conversation.

D: We probably should have stopped when I nearly poked out your eye. It's like your stick in hockey: you have to be responsible for it at all times.

D: I honestly expect to go out some night to get some water and find you there, but with a bloodstained knife.
J: Where?
D: In our apartment. She knows how to get in now because of the Canadian Tire guy.

J: My first drink thought is "I could eat 40 chicken nuggets."
A: I probably could eat 40 chicken nuggets.

D: No deflowering! No deflowering!
J: I learn something new about you every day, D.
D: Hey, you don't have four.
J: what.

A: I spent a wonderful summer in Australia when I discovered how wonderful spitballs are. Well, not spitballs exactly, but the power of sticking sticky toilet paper to things.
S: Ewww...
A: No, I would sit in my bathroom and I would take the toilet paper and I would throw it on the ceiling above the sink and no one noticed.

A: You should meet my brother. He has like the longest and thickest lashes - like more than any girl.
C: Maybe he wears mascara and doesn't admit it.
U: He might, just, like, to keep it up.
*C&S snigger immaturely*
S: I hadn't heard that before. You don't need Viagra; you just need mascara.

A: Everytime some guy honks, it's always when I'm with someone else, so I tell them it's at them.
C: Well, there was the guy dripping blood.
A: There was the possibly concussed guy dripping blood yes.
C: And the guy who thought you were a prostitute.
A: The two guys who thought I was a prostitute yes.