Fairies are like metadata. They're above it all.

A1: There was a period where you could tell I was picking out my own clothes. Because I wore the same thing everyday. I wore the pink tiger leotard and a pink leopard skirt.

C: Can you imagine a Christmas tree in a sex toy shop?
A1: I think I've seen one. Prophylactics come in all different colours...you could have a little lineup of the possum, the lamb...vibrators of different frequencies playing "We Three Kings of Orient are.."

A1: Is it about the possum vibrators? Of course it is. You'd need to do them in like a diorama.
C: Like Jesus and Mary in the stable!
A1: We could put it over there....

D: I just had a horrible thought...
A1: Is it really that horrible? Because I just had vibrators singing about Jesus.
D: It's bad...this could be called Diaphragma.

D: Are you guys going to do the ritual? You reading Stephanie Myers in Chapters at Starbucks and C**..
A1: Oh, you missed my whole S&M fantasy phase!!

A: I don't know why guys don't do makeup. It's like Crayola for your face.
D: I tried once. But it was because of hickies.
A: She's like a cat, isn't she? ...have you ever had a cat that you got too soon from its mum? And it keeps sucking on you...

A: And there was Mr. Stripey who was named after an heirloom tomato called Mr. Stripey. It's like stuff white people like - naming cats after heirlooom vegetables.

D: Now I'm just picturing a dental dam as the star. Or a double dildo.

A1: I feel like none of this is anything to do with skill though. Unless it's like good blow jobs that make people marry you. It's like, this worked out. This is nice. Let's go kayaking.

A: I think everyone wants to sleep with everyone anyway, we're just lazy...it's like a zoo, it's just not a petting zoo.

on Eat, Pray, Love
C: You started it, didn't you?
A: I couldn't finish it. It made me throw up.
D: I liked the sequel better. Murder, Death, Kill.
A: Eat, Smoke, Fuck...

C: Fairies piss little dewdrops.
A!: Fairies don't piss. They exude.
D: What's that moisture around you? It's urine!
A1: Fairies don't need waste management. They are above waste.
D: Now I'm just picturing fairies working for Waste Management.
A1: Fairies are like metadata. They're above it all.

A1: I've spent ten years with a man and I know the importance of a good shitter. You spend ten years with a man, you'll know the intimate details of his shit cycle. You think it's all fun and romance until someone takes a dump.

A1: It's my boob dress. Oh well. I'm allowed to have boobs on weekends....they're going to think you went to Montreal and talked about boobs and cocks the whole time.
C: That's not entirely untrue...

C: I was almost tempted to go really right wing just to annoy my parents.
D: Yeah, me too.
C: But I couldn't have done it with a straight face.
A1: You could have done it with a straight face and be laughing on the inside. "Wealth trickles down. Like the blood of the Africans."

A1: The comfort with which you two hurt each other is underwhelming.

-

A: But after university it's like holy drama Batman.

C: I guess it doesn't really count as cheating if none of them ever says yes.

T: So how's life?
A: Life is...*dances*
T:...dancing the hula.
H: It's really terrible; that's what I think it means.

U: Lovely earrings. Inspired by Mad Men.
A: Batman??

JF: Were they wearing the kilts traditionally?
T: Oh, they're weaing them traditionally, with the sporran, with the...
C: I think that he's asking about underwear.
JF: Yes.
T: The problem was a lot of them were ** engineers and I wasn't inclined to investigate.

T: She was asking where she could find a prostitute.
A: I probably could have given her good directions.

A: Wait...they thought you were a prostitute?
JF: No. No. Tried that once. On Hallowe'en. It didn't work very well...this time we were standing and lifted up our skirts and tried to get cars to honk at us.

U; Everyone is entitled to secrets.
MP: Which they occasonally blurt out loud.
A: I kill goats!

JF: Do you know how grabby guys are in clubs?
A: With...you?

A: So you were at a gay club.
JF: There is a backstory behind this. My friend was DJing there.....I was ok with the buttgrab, because I understand guys do that to girls a lot but this guy went straight for the reacharound...
T: He wanted to check out the package before he paid the price.
JF: I can understand wanting to check the merchandise but after the reacharound it was not at prime value.

A: I don't know what's happening, but apparently I'm putting half the table in my top.

C: I was all like 'what? a turtle? I thought he was a painter!'
JF: Just because he's a turtle doesn't mean he can't paint.
A: Just because he has four fingers doesn't mean he can't choose artistry.

A: I can't really see the connection of death and a fork in your mouth.

C: ...just store it in your bra for later...
H: Is it vomit you are talking about?
C: Yes.
A: I don't think mine is big enough.
H: You should patent this.
A: A specially made bra. With vomit pockets.

JF: I think you've permanently ruined the image of breasts for me for the rest of my life.
CC: You'll be all ready for the gay club.

JF: My friend was telling me this story and apparetly his pickup line was that he was in a circle jerk.

JF: Think what the whole thing is filled with. Blood. What's going to happen when you crack it?

A??: Seriously, just go into gay clubs and ask. Do you have a sprained penis, & want me to help out?

J: Wouldn't that be a fun experiment, to go around to guys and ask to sprain their penis?
A: Some of them might like it.
CC: " As long as you touch it."

A: If there were a big explosion, I would assume it was a nuclear explosion. And I'd run out and be like WOW!
JF: In Ottawa where there are no nuclear plants.
A: We're all going to die!
T: Nuclear plants can't set off nuclear explosions.
A: I'd assume we were being bombed.
J: In Ottawa? Did they get lost?

T:..and this guy was t-boned by a deer...
A: I was thinking a t-bone steak hit a deer, but whatever, go on...

A: I think it's really funny, just to get on and don't think about it. And then you run into all these unexpected problems...
CC: Oh, I heard getting it on.

A: It is kind of sad.
JF: You just keep trying and trying and trying...
C: You could also say that about women...

MP: It really didn't help that you said fasten your thighs and you said screw it and just get on.
A: Yeah, you have a point.

A: I came to the realisation that my boobs were too big when they knocked something off a shelf.

I got the results of my autopsy

A: Ohmygod, yes, a mass grave!!!

J: This is my poking stick.
D: Are you sure you want...
J: Death threats and I'll double poke you.

A: I'm not very good at drawing skittles.
C: They're just circles.
A: I know...

D: Ok, J**, we're going to be making out until you get off the couch.
J: Fuck! You win this round.
A: There's so much more leverage now!

D: I wonder if people would be offended if I started saying "damn you" when they sneezed.

D: Hopefully we weren't offending anybody.
T: We try not to pay attention to young love.

D: And I looked up and he was smiling at me and I looked up because we were not making out at that point & I smiled at him and his smile got bigger...
T: Invitation accepted...

D: You know that I'd be the first one to say "quick, while he's still warm."
T: Rigor mortis has set in. I'm stiff all over.

D: Just a little flame. It was really cool, just jetting out of the end of a little stick.
T: Story of my life.

T: Everyone was awake. Except you and M***.
D: It was cottage and it was six in the fucking morning.
T: I'd started drinking. I needed others to drink with me.

T: It was the beer of choice back in the day. Back before there was choice.

G: I'd like to see your top ten list.
T: Could be anything. Bananas.....it's a top ten list! Could be anything.
G: Movies.
T: ...I love bananas.

T: How's your sleep these days, D**?
D: Good. It does the job.
S: Does the job...
T: Sleep should get up off its fucking lazy ass.

D: I know what I want on my gravestone. "Quick, while he's still warm!"

C: I read somewhere that the smell of fresh bread is a potent aphrodisiac.
T: I know when I smell bread I want to have sex.
D: Your loaf rises with the bread...

T: You're too sensitive, D***. Tell him he's too sensitive.
C: You are too sensitive. Clearly you're the woman in this relationship.
D: I was telling him you couldn't have bacon - at least not twice in one day - and he said "get rid of her." *pouts* He had to hug me...

D: T*** is basically my wife.
C: So he's the one I have to eliminate, then.

H: I had a dream "I had a dream..." I'm sorry. It's from a song. "I dreamed a dream of days gone by..." sorry. I haven't talked to anyone in a while. Except myself.

J2: Most of my best ideas are when I'm taking a dump. It's weird, but, you know the doctor dude in Back to the Future? - he thought up time travel when he was taking a crap...no, he hit his head.

A2: He was the one who walked in the room and was like "I got the results of my autopsy."
D: We were like "They did a damn fine job..."

J2: Just like, hanging out, doing stupid shit.
S2: Like humping a router.
J2: Hey, that was J** and D** who started that.
S2: You were humping it!

D: What did she say?
C: She said "It looks like you ate out some chick on her rag."
D: Oh. hmmm... Did you see...
S2: Oh please don't tell me this is a "speaking of which" transition.
D: It is, oh it is....did you ever see Zach & Miri Make a Porno? Did you ever see the outtakes?
S2: Do I want to?
D: It's really funny. I'm going to tell you..."I'll eat that pussy until I'm clownface."

S2: Explain to him what narcissism is.
D: Staring into a pool at yourself, until you drown.
J1: What?!
S2: You're making it worse!
C: Excessive self-love in the non-masturbatory sense.

A2: I don't like Avatar, It's like Pocahantas with a little bit of Fern Gully.

S2: I look like I'm gagging on a cock.
J2: You have pictures?
S: No, but I know what my face looks like. *gives look* Like that.
J2: Now we know what S** does when she's gagging on a cock.
S2: Everyone makes the same face! You just did.

D: Ok. I prefer not to end my day with a severed head.
C: It's how I like to start mine...

A: What did I tell you? You're in a lesbian relationship with my dad?
J: I'm a two-timing lover of her dad who's a woman...I sent her a text asking if she liked sourpuss and she thought it was her mum and then later she was taking a sip of some and she was like "oooh, you're not my mum" and I was like "your mum tastes like sourpuss??"

J: It's a murder clap. You look like you're trying to find the correct resonance to crush my skull.
C: That would be so cool!

A: That's what I did the other night. When I accidentally hit you in the nuts.
J: "I just accidentally rub my arm against soft objects."
A: At least it wasn't hard. Then I would have noticed. And that would have been awkward.

J: Stop doing the Spock eyebrow, dammit! You're not a Vulcan!
A: Ooooooh! Vulcans! I try not to think about that. Because I've been thinking about it too much lately.
J: I am not Shatner! I do not overact! Oh wait, I do! Fuck!
A: Don't you dare try to hook up with Spock!!!

J: You two have the weirdest fucking flirting I have ever seen. The fighting, the funny faces...
A: How can I put this. This is C** and this is D**. What else did you expect?
J: But it's so weird!
D: It's not kissing; fuck off.

J (to D): So me calling you an asshole makes you sexy.

*J turns on t.v.*
Seth Rogan: ..."but it's true: you can get skin cancer on your stones..."

R: Would it be bad to create a drinking game out of the Stand up to Cancer telethon?

J: Damn, it's genetic! Kermit the Frog is genetic!

T: Remember when I shotgunned a bottle of this?
M: On new years?
T: Yes.
M: And you threw up on me.
T: Yes.
M: J** threw up on me too. Two people threw up on me that night.
T: Someone threw up on me.

R: I wonder what it would be like with 2 guys one girl.
T: Shotgun anus.
M: You would.
T: I would. 'Cause you wouldn't.

D: If you can do quantum physics with pee, I will shit myself out of existence.
T: That sounds like a challenge to me!

A: De's going to kidnap Alfie for C**. And I'm going to play with him.
U: That's so sweet.
A: "Play" with him.