I got the results of my autopsy

A: Ohmygod, yes, a mass grave!!!

J: This is my poking stick.
D: Are you sure you want...
J: Death threats and I'll double poke you.

A: I'm not very good at drawing skittles.
C: They're just circles.
A: I know...

D: Ok, J**, we're going to be making out until you get off the couch.
J: Fuck! You win this round.
A: There's so much more leverage now!

D: I wonder if people would be offended if I started saying "damn you" when they sneezed.

D: Hopefully we weren't offending anybody.
T: We try not to pay attention to young love.

D: And I looked up and he was smiling at me and I looked up because we were not making out at that point & I smiled at him and his smile got bigger...
T: Invitation accepted...

D: You know that I'd be the first one to say "quick, while he's still warm."
T: Rigor mortis has set in. I'm stiff all over.

D: Just a little flame. It was really cool, just jetting out of the end of a little stick.
T: Story of my life.

T: Everyone was awake. Except you and M***.
D: It was cottage and it was six in the fucking morning.
T: I'd started drinking. I needed others to drink with me.

T: It was the beer of choice back in the day. Back before there was choice.

G: I'd like to see your top ten list.
T: Could be anything. Bananas.....it's a top ten list! Could be anything.
G: Movies.
T: ...I love bananas.

T: How's your sleep these days, D**?
D: Good. It does the job.
S: Does the job...
T: Sleep should get up off its fucking lazy ass.

D: I know what I want on my gravestone. "Quick, while he's still warm!"

C: I read somewhere that the smell of fresh bread is a potent aphrodisiac.
T: I know when I smell bread I want to have sex.
D: Your loaf rises with the bread...

T: You're too sensitive, D***. Tell him he's too sensitive.
C: You are too sensitive. Clearly you're the woman in this relationship.
D: I was telling him you couldn't have bacon - at least not twice in one day - and he said "get rid of her." *pouts* He had to hug me...

D: T*** is basically my wife.
C: So he's the one I have to eliminate, then.

H: I had a dream "I had a dream..." I'm sorry. It's from a song. "I dreamed a dream of days gone by..." sorry. I haven't talked to anyone in a while. Except myself.

J2: Most of my best ideas are when I'm taking a dump. It's weird, but, you know the doctor dude in Back to the Future? - he thought up time travel when he was taking a crap...no, he hit his head.

A2: He was the one who walked in the room and was like "I got the results of my autopsy."
D: We were like "They did a damn fine job..."

J2: Just like, hanging out, doing stupid shit.
S2: Like humping a router.
J2: Hey, that was J** and D** who started that.
S2: You were humping it!

D: What did she say?
C: She said "It looks like you ate out some chick on her rag."
D: Oh. hmmm... Did you see...
S2: Oh please don't tell me this is a "speaking of which" transition.
D: It is, oh it is....did you ever see Zach & Miri Make a Porno? Did you ever see the outtakes?
S2: Do I want to?
D: It's really funny. I'm going to tell you..."I'll eat that pussy until I'm clownface."

S2: Explain to him what narcissism is.
D: Staring into a pool at yourself, until you drown.
J1: What?!
S2: You're making it worse!
C: Excessive self-love in the non-masturbatory sense.

A2: I don't like Avatar, It's like Pocahantas with a little bit of Fern Gully.

S2: I look like I'm gagging on a cock.
J2: You have pictures?
S: No, but I know what my face looks like. *gives look* Like that.
J2: Now we know what S** does when she's gagging on a cock.
S2: Everyone makes the same face! You just did.

D: Ok. I prefer not to end my day with a severed head.
C: It's how I like to start mine...

A: What did I tell you? You're in a lesbian relationship with my dad?
J: I'm a two-timing lover of her dad who's a woman...I sent her a text asking if she liked sourpuss and she thought it was her mum and then later she was taking a sip of some and she was like "oooh, you're not my mum" and I was like "your mum tastes like sourpuss??"

J: It's a murder clap. You look like you're trying to find the correct resonance to crush my skull.
C: That would be so cool!

A: That's what I did the other night. When I accidentally hit you in the nuts.
J: "I just accidentally rub my arm against soft objects."
A: At least it wasn't hard. Then I would have noticed. And that would have been awkward.

J: Stop doing the Spock eyebrow, dammit! You're not a Vulcan!
A: Ooooooh! Vulcans! I try not to think about that. Because I've been thinking about it too much lately.
J: I am not Shatner! I do not overact! Oh wait, I do! Fuck!
A: Don't you dare try to hook up with Spock!!!

J: You two have the weirdest fucking flirting I have ever seen. The fighting, the funny faces...
A: How can I put this. This is C** and this is D**. What else did you expect?
J: But it's so weird!
D: It's not kissing; fuck off.

J (to D): So me calling you an asshole makes you sexy.

*J turns on t.v.*
Seth Rogan: ..."but it's true: you can get skin cancer on your stones..."

R: Would it be bad to create a drinking game out of the Stand up to Cancer telethon?

J: Damn, it's genetic! Kermit the Frog is genetic!

T: Remember when I shotgunned a bottle of this?
M: On new years?
T: Yes.
M: And you threw up on me.
T: Yes.
M: J** threw up on me too. Two people threw up on me that night.
T: Someone threw up on me.

R: I wonder what it would be like with 2 guys one girl.
T: Shotgun anus.
M: You would.
T: I would. 'Cause you wouldn't.

D: If you can do quantum physics with pee, I will shit myself out of existence.
T: That sounds like a challenge to me!

A: De's going to kidnap Alfie for C**. And I'm going to play with him.
U: That's so sweet.
A: "Play" with him.