People shouldn't be marrying zombies.

D:...and the point of Scientology, according to her, is to move towards the energy state.
S: Isn't that suicide?...moving your soul to another state.
D: No, the point is that it can be both states.
S: Anyone else getting Stargate? Anyone?

T: I have two coworkers with the last name Brown and they changed positions...
C: That sounds dirty.
D: Wow. you don't even have to stretch to find that.

D: Although this way I'm not letting you get an asparagus.
C: *waves* Two, remember?
D: Two hands! Dammit! Foiled again!

H: Franklin died for, like, all the reasons the British are stupid.

H: No, you missed a story about cannibalism and as you came in you said 'dammit, someone beat me to it!

D: They just seem creepy.
C: Beards, or rapists?
D: Both?
C: You have a beard.
J: Excuse me while I go shave now.
D: That's if you could grow a beard..
J: Screw you! The pillow thing is going to happen. One of these days.
D: You were the one who said you had the beard growing capacity of Guybrush Threepwood.
J: When?
D: You've said it lots of times.
J: When did I last say it?
D: A couple of months ago.
J: I might have gotten beard-growing capacity since then! And now you'll never know!
C: And your life will be empty because of it.
J: Exactly! You'll lie awake wondering...is J** able to grow a beard now? And why is he standing beside my bed with a pillow?
D: And why is C** standing behind him..
J: With a knife!

U: I just want something I don't have to take care of. Can't I leave the room for five minutes? I have to keep stirring...
CC: Are you talking about men or food?

C: I can't be a serial killer if I have only one victim who doesn't die.
H: Coma. No, I keep coming back to life and you keep trying to kill me. My consciousness gets transformed.
C: I keep killing you in different bodies...
U: You killed the wrong twin!
A: She's a triplet!

U: He's hot though.
MW: Ralph Fiennes? ..not with the nose though. You don't think he's hot with the nose.
U: It's the person inside.
MW: You're so deep.

D: I killed the pope today.
J: You didn't kill him; you beat the shit out of him.
D: No I killed him...no, wait, that's right.
J: You beat him up and kicked him in the balls.
D: I shot that motherfucker.

J: What's the difference between tinfoil and aluminum foil other than one's tin and the other's aluminum?

C: Haven't you have birthdays before?
A: But I'm not used to all those candles and stuff. I was out of my depth.

D: There was this woman who married the Eiffel Tower and she sued the French government...
S: Because people kept climbing all over her spouse.
A: Climbing up and down it...
S: In and out...it's housed half the population of France.
D:...nooo...actually, she sued the French government because it wouldn't let her, um..
S: Consummate the marriage?
D: Yes!

C: Yeah, I don't really tend to notice what colour people's eyes are either...
D: Or when a guy's been hitting on you for six months...
C: Oh burn...

D: Somehow it's always the incest around you.
A: Yeah, it always seems to come up. Heh. Come up.

MW: You heard of fruitarians? They, like, won't eat a fruit unless it fell from the tree; if you pick it, it's murder.
A: I want to go murder some fruit now.
D: Newton was a fruitarian.

D: I am about as feisty as pondweed..about as much bacteria...

S: You know, the male teste is about the size of a walnut. I saw one cut in half once.

C (on tying ties): I know how to tie a noose. It's the same thing, right?

A: Even C***. She's a girl now. Isn't that weird?

A: What's that new video game that's really big...and you go on missions and kill people...and it's historical...

J: Do you think animals have feelings?
S: I don't know; let's see. *jabs towards J with fork*

A: I want my kitty back. I wouldn't mind if she was a zombie...I want a zombie kitty. If she came back as a zombie I would love her just as much. And I would feed her brains...

J: If there aren't enough kittens in the future, you can blame porn.
A: But why would the kittens be decimated by porn? What do they do to the kittens?
J: It's not what they do to the kittens. It's what god does to the kittens afterwards.

AT: She's saying the most important thing in a boyfriend is not liking heels. I want my boyfriend to have a penis.

AT: I don't think I need to hug then to go 'whoa, those are boobs.'

AG: So you have sex penis and pee penis.
AG: How do you forget which one you pee out of?

MB: It's always you with the Captain Morgan. Always you and you know what it gets me?
T: It got you an awesome nap under a cool table. I don't know what else you want.

MB: Couldn't pay for my cigarettes without the shoe polish. And guarantee the safety of my anus.

MB: You should get your penis checked. They're usually purple...maybe I should get mine checked. No one's coming to my cause on this one.

MB: I'm going to hold it close to my heart. In case someone assassinates me.
A: I'm glad you hate it.

T: Well, people shouldn't be marrying zombies.

MB: Honestly, at this point, we were like 'if he's going to die, let's at least make it funny.'
D: True friends.

MB: I swear, every morning you had a beer in your hand. I think you had it for breakfast.
T: No, that morning I had coffee and kahlua first.

A: You didn't hear what I said? 'yeah I fucked your grandpa' 'he's dead' 'I fucked him good.'
JP: No wonder he was so cold.
C: That explains a lot.
JP: But he was so gooey inside...

C: We agreed he's the woman in the relationship.
D: Well, someone's got to do it.

A1. We discussed this. My venom is much more constructive.

A1: Have you ever been attacked by soup? I think it's even more violent than polenta.

A1: And now he's all like "I can help you out with that bearnaise sauce" and I'm like B***, you whisk?

A1: Like, all of a sudden you're in a relationship and you're supposed to read minds?
C: Fuck that shit.
A1: Fuck that shit. I give orders.
D: You two have a lot in common.
A1: This conversation needs more imperative verbs and you doing them.

J: We have organic spray cheese at Loblaws.

J: There is a limit to my disgusting behaviour. (awkward pause) I swear there is.

J: I can see all, D***; I am omnipotent! Ooh, we have a garbage can!

I was the first lolcat.

T: And there are the hospital visitation rights and, well, to get around them they were saying they should become a corporation.
A: Become a corporation? I would support polygamy if they made it a corporation.

S: I would make so many Simpsons references if I worked in a power plant.

T: Althought apparently when we had a campaign to see what would improve the power plant, about 500 people suggested a monorail.

A: It was auto-erotic asphyxiation.
T: You'd think at his age he would be smoother.
S: You would think he would have a spotter or something.
A: Be like, phone up: "hey you: spot me!"
C: That's like the worst booty-call ever.

MW: So how are you and D? Sparks still flying?
A: Too much.
U: Oooh, I want to hear about that.

C: ...necrophiliac.
S: It only counts if they move.

S: (on Laura Secord); The Heritage minute really confused me because I was like "how does this relate to ice cream?"

A: (on Obama) And I realised I was only like a block away! I could have seen him! And I decided not to go!
MW: You could have flashed him.
A: I could have flashed him!!

A: I don't like hobbits.
U: Yeah, especially in the bathroom.

C: Jack the Ripper would have liked you.
A: That's really good for my self-esteem.
C: You can hug it to yourself: "Jack the Ripper would have found me desirable!"

D: I would so do that to Jesus.
A: Poke! Be like, do they go right through?

J: You're like a mix between Cthulhu and a vacuum cleaner.
A: Oh look at you! You're a sweety pie!

A: I am out of animal love practice.

J: So remember how I was telling you my cat would sleep on my face? Well, I put a pillow on my face to block out light and Molly ran up and sat on it.
A: This is why you need your lame farm of sheep and bunnies.

C: A girl has needs.
A: Animals and fictional characters.

A: Asymmetrical disfigured cutie!!!

G: You could have warned me.
T: I don't like warning people.
D: "By the way, you're pregnant!"
G: You could have told me, before I started drinking.
T: After.
An: Are you pregnant?
G: No...are you calling me fat?

G: Oh ugh, I touched D's boxers.
T: So did I.
C: That makes three of us,
D: Four with me. An, you must be feeling left out right now.
An: I feel just fine, actually.
T: Better than fine.

D: I don't understand how I cut my ear when shaving.
An: I can't understand why you shaved your ear.

M: Where did D go?
T: Washroom probably.
M: Seems like the kind of thing he'd do.
T: Chronic masturbator.
M: Irritable bowel.

JC: Seriously. What makes you think I am suave enough to get herpes in Vegas?

JF: Have you ever looked at an ankle for a really long time? It's surprisingly erotic.
TV: I don't think staring at an ankle will change my orientation.
C: So stare at a guy's anke.
D: Once you go ankle, you never go back.

TV: But they don't sell tickets to watch people be killed by burning though.
C: I'd go.

TV: Then it's part of our heritage to go to witch-burnings too.
C: I'd go.
S: You'd be the witch.
A: I was going to say...

J: Darkling Duck the pedophile?
D&A: Uhmmm..
JF:I love how the answer wasn't exactly no.

JF: Wouldn't you insure your ass for several million dollars if you could?
D: No.
C: What would you insure, if you could?
D: Probably my penis; not gonna lie.

A: I feel like in another life, I was a lolcat. I was the first lolcat.

T: You are familiar with God, A?
A: We had a threesome. You know how it is. He was getting too pushy; he wanted a son and I was like 'no!'
T: Did he watch you everywhere?
A: Creepy!

S: Technically you're a piece of God.
C: So basically it was like masturbation with you.
A: I feel so used!
S: Then she left you for some girl named Mary,
A: Bitch!
S: Who wasn't even a virgin.
A: Oh you know it!