Arranging destiny through romance and mystery

U: We should have a swopping party sometime.
CC: What?
C: Swopping what?
U: Clothes.
CC: Oh, 'cause I was like "I don't have a boyfriend to bring..."

A: Oh, I thought that guy's name was Hepatitis. "Hey baby, I'm Mr. Hepatitis" - worst. pickup. line. ever.

A: I decided to be proactive about things, so I joined a dating site.
SC: albinoasianmidgets.com
A: So this guy messages me. He was albino and he had a cane. He was like "the first thing you'll notice about me is I have a cane."
C: Why did you pick this site?
A: It was free.
SC: It wasn't actually that - she wouldn't tell me so I said I would tell you it was albinoasianmidgets.com.
A: And there was this other guy - you'd like this - he asked me to, like, describe myself in 10 words and I said whatever and then he did himself and said "Arranging destiny through romance and mystery."

A: I would be a good 80s movie montage.

O: You don't choose to have feelings.
C: Yes you do. I do.
A: Oh C****, the more I know you, the more I think Dexter.
O: No no no no no we've had this conversation. C*** is way more of a psychopath than Dexter.

U: He shared the same sentiment as you against Valentine's day.
MW: You're against Valentine's day?
C: I just think it's silly.
MW: It's about chocolate. How could that be bad?

A: It's like child porn. For necrophiliacs.

C: That's creepy.
A: It is. It's fondling the car.
C: The rain is groping the car!!

C: That is the geekiest way of summoning a vortex ever. High fives.
A: And really flailing stupid high fives.

O: Can you imagine a hobbit with a foot fetish?

C: We all know I'm more likely to turn to murder than to suicide.

CC: I was a bad student. "What rhymes with duck?" "Fuck!" "CC, that's a bad word." "But it rhymes..."

CC: He was like "what's your sexual fantasy?" and I said "to cuddle afterwards..."

O: A*** this cake feels like you.
A: It does.
O: Super moist.
A: I'm glad there's context for this, because that...

C: I'm tempted to squirt you.
A: Oh that's - you know how I told you I have a bad association with the word squirt?
C: Yeah.
A: Well, we're saying it all the time now and it's bad.
C: Moist.
A: Oh god, moist...I feel all warm and moist now.
C: Because you got squirted.

A: I tend to hug things that are square and hard. Square and hard...I have a fetish for inanimate objects that are hard and cold and calculating.

O: I'm surprised my parents didn't send me to a psychologist earlier. I had these displays in my closet of barbies and my little ponies in compromising positions.

A: Yeah, I mean couldn't she just run off with the Cheshire cat?

A: One of the best things about dressing gowns is how you can feel like Napoleon in them. I mean, don't you feel more powerful with your hand tucked in your robe? I do. More napoleonic.

D: I was just thinking the Huggies thief has struck again! At least she didn't go for the Pampers.
J: Speaking of weird...
C: KITTY!!!!!!!!!!

C: I like imagining that people in shows are gay and imagining what happens.
J: Jack Bauer. It would be the angriest gay sex ever.
D: Horatio Caine. I'm almost there...yeeeeaaaahhh.
A: Oh god, with the sunglasses...Was it...good for you?
J: Before we do this, I'm going to need...protection.

J: Oh god, my hubris!
CC: I heard uterus. I was like, "honey, you don't have one..."

D: It looks like...I'm not even going to say it...It looks like a rapist beard.
J: It does. It looks like it smells of roofies and chloroform.
C: And semen.
A: And tears. Semen and tears.
D: Wait, was that Bob Cole? He just said "and they're still feeling each other up."
C: That was bad timing.

A: What did you take a picture of?
J: You'll never know!!! Oh, my thumb apparently.

A: Dildos! Dildos!!
D: DILDOS!
J: That is the best war cry ever.
D: Ribbed for her pleasure - and also hers.
J: Oh god, she's writing this down.

A: Ok, officially lesbian pirates are a bad thing.

C: Like we could have giant insects go around and suck people try until they turn into a husk.
J: I would be terrified of you if you were a supervillain. In fact, I'm not convinced you're not.
C: Thanks :)
J: That's why.

J: That looked so wrong! Winchester's lying on top of him right now and they're not moving and he's like "This is awkward. I have a boner right now."
CC: Do you really?
J: No!!

D: That's what I want to be when I grow up.
J: Gay?
C: Why wait?
D: the rainbow is that way!! No, I mean thrown to the floor really quickly. But mostly not by guys.

J: The connection was a bit tortured, I admit. Well, maybe a little waterboarded.