‘Come to an S&M introductory meeting...’

O: ...And give you tiny little doll books. That reminds me of spores!
CW: Your books remind you of spores?
O: No, voodoo dolls! Spore man called them his little babies and he gave them warm baths and they had sex all day...they had a better life than he did.

C: Every time I see my shadow and I feel happy because I have a hat.
H: Yeah, me too.
O: That makes me so happy! That’s such a sweet, pure thought!

O:...And then I noticed her msn name had very dirty things in it so I asked her about it and she said ‘are you doing anything tonight?’ & I said ‘nothing much’ and she said ‘Come to an S&M introductory meeting...’

H: You know what I want to do? One of my great ambitions in life, other than learning to play Thunder Road on the piano, and climbing the Alps from Austria to Switzerland...totally at the same time!!!
O: Carrying a violin.
H: No.
O: Oh, shot down!
H: ... is to flip my hat, can’t do it with this one, so it lands...on my head!

O: But it’s like a librarian shortage.
C: But there would have been. Everyone was supposed to retire but they lost all their savings and now there are all these old people in my jobs.
O: But they’ll die eventually.
C: But I want them to die now....I mean retire.

O: Oh my god, I can’t believe there’s an entire industry devoted to penis enlargement. Doesn’t that disturb you?

O: That always bothered me – that I have to wipe, and boys don’t!

J: So, you know how he marries this prepubescent girl...
CW: Yeah.
J: That’s creepy.
CW: Yeah...can we talk about kittens now?
J: Kittens are so arousing when they are prepubescent...
CW: You are so so mean...

MW: You guys, gay is the new black!
O: What does that even mean?

MW: I dunno; if I had to kiss a girl, I’d rather kiss a girl I don’t know than one of my friends.
J: So between the waiter and O, you’d rather kiss the waiter?
MW: Yeah.
J: That’s fair. I’d rather kiss the waiter.
O: I’d rather kiss the waiter too.

O: Oh yeah, but it’s a really nice porn store. I mean, I’d take my parents there if it weren’t for the wall of dildos...but they had these flaccid penises and I couldn’t figure out what they were for, so I was...well, you know how you start squishing things?

O: Did I tell you my uncle’s idea? He bought a vibrator and had it in his pants & he’d go up to strangers and touch them gently and then turn it on...

CW: That’s how I figured out Dr. Who was an F. All of his enemies are all metal, can’t have touch, cutting out emotion....I’m like, you know, the Cybermen had a point.

O: And it’s perfect. I like to express my affection through homework. And it actually works in this context.

O: You can hire people to beat people up, like big thugs, so you can probably hire them to search for your bear hat.

O: I was actually thinking about this the other day. I would be a really good mafia leader. It would be the perfect job for me.

O: And talking about your feelings, it just seems so...not something you get marks for on a lab.

O: Dissecting is more fun in the company of others.

MW: If I were a man, would I go for O****?
J: I’m asking you.
O: What kind of man would you be?
MW: I dunno. A very manly man.
CC: You’d be very proud of barbecuing.

O: Oh, it comes with a spoon. That makes it much easier.
MW: You’ve been trying to eat your soup with a fork?
O: yes....

O: Tomayto, tomahto.
CW: Oh yeah, snorting cocaine and flowers; it’s basically the same thing.
O: Actually, isn’t it?

U: So she switched to mouthwash.
MP: Because she got an orgasm every time she brushed her teeth.
CW: Lucky bitch.

CW: She taught me everything I know about the Backstreet Boys.
T: How much is that?
CW: Not much. I don’t listen very hard.

TV: How’s E-R doing?
CW: She’s good. Apparently she’s about to start sticking needles in people. They were using models and things.
T: ...What is she doing?
CW: Nursing.

CW: I cannot picture you submissive. The only way I could see you letting someone get away with anything is if you were secretly plotting their demise and they were playing into your plan.
O: My mental image of you has a whip.

O: I’ve just realised something. You whip people, and you kick people in the shins. I’ve characterised your violence.
T: With their permission.
O: Not in this case.
T: Safe, sane, and consensual. I believe in safe, sane, and consensual in all cases.
CW: I believe in kicking people in the shins.

CW: So you were tied up in a BDSM convention?
O: Yes.
CW: And then what?
O And then I got down and went along in my merry way...And then I saw my aunt. And then I said hello. And then we never spoke again, except once at a family gathering. That was when she told me she was renovating her bathroom to look like a dungeon. And I said that was nice. And I ate smoked salmon...

T: But then they’d hate me and resent me and I don’t need that!
CW: No they wouldn’t. You’d give them Stockholm Syndrome.
T: They’ve already accused me of doing that to the manager of power sales at work!

CC: Don’t you want to just pinch his cheeks?
CW: I don’t think he’d like that.
CC: Depends which cheeks.

T: I’ve realised that I am a linguistics bore. When I was watching Avatar, I noticed it has a case system.
CW: You scare me.
O: I’ve read books about people like you.

O: How do you know you don’t have a leather fetish if you’ve never tried it in that setting?
T: Because I know what fetish I have, and it’s not that!

O: My cousin is an INFP and so cute. They’re like little kitten people.
CW: They’re adorable. They make me want to poke them and watch them squeal.
O: You are evil. You make me feel pure.
H: Yeah, she’s good for that.

C: The thing I hate about those vampires is that it’s a romance. They’re dead. They have no blood circulation. They cannot have a physical relationship without nitric oxide. I like Dracula because he kills people.
H: The thing my friend brought up – what happens when Bella has her period?

T: Just don’t tell the undertaker you have a tattoo.
C: I don’t think she’ll be telling the undertaker anything.
T: If you’re talking to the undertaker, there’s a problem....I have an idea for a paranormal romance. A female undertaker...

T: If you have a tattoo anywhere near your stomach, then it will get permanently distorted if you ever get pregnant.
O: I’d rather have a tattoo than a baby.

O: What do you think I should get a tattoo of?
H: A Tardis.
T: A tortoise?
H: A Tardis.
O: I’m bigger on the inside than on the outside!
T: The only way you get inside me is if you’re as sexy as the Doctor!
O: They’d be like, do you have a fetish? And I’d be like, yeah, and that’s the only way you’re getting laid. I’m a broken Tardis!
H: Did you bring your sonic screwdriver?
O: I’d be a broken Tardis and the Doctor would have to fix me before the Daleks came. And they’d scream HARDER! HARDER!

T: And deleting this profile fixes things how?
C: It doesn’t. She’s an F.
O: Fuck you....

T: Well, I took up guitar when I was unhealthily obsessed with someone. I was unhealthily obsessed with guitar for a while but...

C: I find a lot of literary ENTPs make me want to punch them.
T: So what stops you from punching me? Other than that I’ll punch back.
C: I was just going to say that...

C: I’m more like Steerpike; let’s be honest.
O: We could totally work out together. If she wasn’t a murdering psychopath....no, it’s comforting. I was all like ‘why doesn’t he appreciate Fuschia?’ and she said ‘Because he’s a murdering psychopath’ and I felt much better.

C: Aw, fuzzy Hallmark moment.
O: You don’t get fuzzies. Say something believable.