People shouldn't be marrying zombies.

D:...and the point of Scientology, according to her, is to move towards the energy state.
S: Isn't that suicide?...moving your soul to another state.
D: No, the point is that it can be both states.
S: Anyone else getting Stargate? Anyone?

T: I have two coworkers with the last name Brown and they changed positions...
C: That sounds dirty.
D: Wow. you don't even have to stretch to find that.

D: Although this way I'm not letting you get an asparagus.
C: *waves* Two, remember?
D: Two hands! Dammit! Foiled again!

H: Franklin died for, like, all the reasons the British are stupid.

H: No, you missed a story about cannibalism and as you came in you said 'dammit, someone beat me to it!

D: They just seem creepy.
C: Beards, or rapists?
D: Both?
C: You have a beard.
J: Excuse me while I go shave now.
D: That's if you could grow a beard..
J: Screw you! The pillow thing is going to happen. One of these days.
D: You were the one who said you had the beard growing capacity of Guybrush Threepwood.
J: When?
D: You've said it lots of times.
J: When did I last say it?
D: A couple of months ago.
J: I might have gotten beard-growing capacity since then! And now you'll never know!
C: And your life will be empty because of it.
J: Exactly! You'll lie awake wondering...is J** able to grow a beard now? And why is he standing beside my bed with a pillow?
D: And why is C** standing behind him..
J: With a knife!

U: I just want something I don't have to take care of. Can't I leave the room for five minutes? I have to keep stirring...
CC: Are you talking about men or food?

C: I can't be a serial killer if I have only one victim who doesn't die.
H: Coma. No, I keep coming back to life and you keep trying to kill me. My consciousness gets transformed.
C: I keep killing you in different bodies...
U: You killed the wrong twin!
A: She's a triplet!

U: He's hot though.
MW: Ralph Fiennes? ..not with the nose though. You don't think he's hot with the nose.
U: It's the person inside.
MW: You're so deep.

D: I killed the pope today.
J: You didn't kill him; you beat the shit out of him.
D: No I killed him...no, wait, that's right.
J: You beat him up and kicked him in the balls.
D: I shot that motherfucker.

J: What's the difference between tinfoil and aluminum foil other than one's tin and the other's aluminum?

C: Haven't you have birthdays before?
A: But I'm not used to all those candles and stuff. I was out of my depth.

D: There was this woman who married the Eiffel Tower and she sued the French government...
S: Because people kept climbing all over her spouse.
A: Climbing up and down it...
S: In and out...it's housed half the population of France.
D:...nooo...actually, she sued the French government because it wouldn't let her, um..
S: Consummate the marriage?
D: Yes!

C: Yeah, I don't really tend to notice what colour people's eyes are either...
D: Or when a guy's been hitting on you for six months...
C: Oh burn...

D: Somehow it's always the incest around you.
A: Yeah, it always seems to come up. Heh. Come up.

MW: You heard of fruitarians? They, like, won't eat a fruit unless it fell from the tree; if you pick it, it's murder.
A: I want to go murder some fruit now.
D: Newton was a fruitarian.

D: I am about as feisty as pondweed..about as much bacteria...

S: You know, the male teste is about the size of a walnut. I saw one cut in half once.

C (on tying ties): I know how to tie a noose. It's the same thing, right?

A: Even C***. She's a girl now. Isn't that weird?

A: What's that new video game that's really big...and you go on missions and kill people...and it's historical...

J: Do you think animals have feelings?
S: I don't know; let's see. *jabs towards J with fork*

A: I want my kitty back. I wouldn't mind if she was a zombie...I want a zombie kitty. If she came back as a zombie I would love her just as much. And I would feed her brains...

J: If there aren't enough kittens in the future, you can blame porn.
A: But why would the kittens be decimated by porn? What do they do to the kittens?
J: It's not what they do to the kittens. It's what god does to the kittens afterwards.

AT: She's saying the most important thing in a boyfriend is not liking heels. I want my boyfriend to have a penis.

AT: I don't think I need to hug then to go 'whoa, those are boobs.'

AG: So you have sex penis and pee penis.
AG: How do you forget which one you pee out of?

MB: It's always you with the Captain Morgan. Always you and you know what it gets me?
T: It got you an awesome nap under a cool table. I don't know what else you want.

MB: Couldn't pay for my cigarettes without the shoe polish. And guarantee the safety of my anus.

MB: You should get your penis checked. They're usually purple...maybe I should get mine checked. No one's coming to my cause on this one.

MB: I'm going to hold it close to my heart. In case someone assassinates me.
A: I'm glad you hate it.

T: Well, people shouldn't be marrying zombies.

MB: Honestly, at this point, we were like 'if he's going to die, let's at least make it funny.'
D: True friends.

MB: I swear, every morning you had a beer in your hand. I think you had it for breakfast.
T: No, that morning I had coffee and kahlua first.

A: You didn't hear what I said? 'yeah I fucked your grandpa' 'he's dead' 'I fucked him good.'
JP: No wonder he was so cold.
C: That explains a lot.
JP: But he was so gooey inside...

C: We agreed he's the woman in the relationship.
D: Well, someone's got to do it.

A1. We discussed this. My venom is much more constructive.

A1: Have you ever been attacked by soup? I think it's even more violent than polenta.

A1: And now he's all like "I can help you out with that bearnaise sauce" and I'm like B***, you whisk?

A1: Like, all of a sudden you're in a relationship and you're supposed to read minds?
C: Fuck that shit.
A1: Fuck that shit. I give orders.
D: You two have a lot in common.
A1: This conversation needs more imperative verbs and you doing them.

J: We have organic spray cheese at Loblaws.

J: There is a limit to my disgusting behaviour. (awkward pause) I swear there is.

J: I can see all, D***; I am omnipotent! Ooh, we have a garbage can!

I was the first lolcat.

T: And there are the hospital visitation rights and, well, to get around them they were saying they should become a corporation.
A: Become a corporation? I would support polygamy if they made it a corporation.

S: I would make so many Simpsons references if I worked in a power plant.

T: Althought apparently when we had a campaign to see what would improve the power plant, about 500 people suggested a monorail.

A: It was auto-erotic asphyxiation.
T: You'd think at his age he would be smoother.
S: You would think he would have a spotter or something.
A: Be like, phone up: "hey you: spot me!"
C: That's like the worst booty-call ever.

MW: So how are you and D? Sparks still flying?
A: Too much.
U: Oooh, I want to hear about that.

C: ...necrophiliac.
S: It only counts if they move.

S: (on Laura Secord); The Heritage minute really confused me because I was like "how does this relate to ice cream?"

A: (on Obama) And I realised I was only like a block away! I could have seen him! And I decided not to go!
MW: You could have flashed him.
A: I could have flashed him!!

A: I don't like hobbits.
U: Yeah, especially in the bathroom.

C: Jack the Ripper would have liked you.
A: That's really good for my self-esteem.
C: You can hug it to yourself: "Jack the Ripper would have found me desirable!"

D: I would so do that to Jesus.
A: Poke! Be like, do they go right through?

J: You're like a mix between Cthulhu and a vacuum cleaner.
A: Oh look at you! You're a sweety pie!

A: I am out of animal love practice.

J: So remember how I was telling you my cat would sleep on my face? Well, I put a pillow on my face to block out light and Molly ran up and sat on it.
A: This is why you need your lame farm of sheep and bunnies.

C: A girl has needs.
A: Animals and fictional characters.

A: Asymmetrical disfigured cutie!!!

G: You could have warned me.
T: I don't like warning people.
D: "By the way, you're pregnant!"
G: You could have told me, before I started drinking.
T: After.
An: Are you pregnant?
G: No...are you calling me fat?

G: Oh ugh, I touched D's boxers.
T: So did I.
C: That makes three of us,
D: Four with me. An, you must be feeling left out right now.
An: I feel just fine, actually.
T: Better than fine.

D: I don't understand how I cut my ear when shaving.
An: I can't understand why you shaved your ear.

M: Where did D go?
T: Washroom probably.
M: Seems like the kind of thing he'd do.
T: Chronic masturbator.
M: Irritable bowel.

JC: Seriously. What makes you think I am suave enough to get herpes in Vegas?

JF: Have you ever looked at an ankle for a really long time? It's surprisingly erotic.
TV: I don't think staring at an ankle will change my orientation.
C: So stare at a guy's anke.
D: Once you go ankle, you never go back.

TV: But they don't sell tickets to watch people be killed by burning though.
C: I'd go.

TV: Then it's part of our heritage to go to witch-burnings too.
C: I'd go.
S: You'd be the witch.
A: I was going to say...

J: Darkling Duck the pedophile?
D&A: Uhmmm..
JF:I love how the answer wasn't exactly no.

JF: Wouldn't you insure your ass for several million dollars if you could?
D: No.
C: What would you insure, if you could?
D: Probably my penis; not gonna lie.

A: I feel like in another life, I was a lolcat. I was the first lolcat.

T: You are familiar with God, A?
A: We had a threesome. You know how it is. He was getting too pushy; he wanted a son and I was like 'no!'
T: Did he watch you everywhere?
A: Creepy!

S: Technically you're a piece of God.
C: So basically it was like masturbation with you.
A: I feel so used!
S: Then she left you for some girl named Mary,
A: Bitch!
S: Who wasn't even a virgin.
A: Oh you know it!

Fairies are like metadata. They're above it all.

A1: There was a period where you could tell I was picking out my own clothes. Because I wore the same thing everyday. I wore the pink tiger leotard and a pink leopard skirt.

C: Can you imagine a Christmas tree in a sex toy shop?
A1: I think I've seen one. Prophylactics come in all different colours...you could have a little lineup of the possum, the lamb...vibrators of different frequencies playing "We Three Kings of Orient are.."

A1: Is it about the possum vibrators? Of course it is. You'd need to do them in like a diorama.
C: Like Jesus and Mary in the stable!
A1: We could put it over there....

D: I just had a horrible thought...
A1: Is it really that horrible? Because I just had vibrators singing about Jesus.
D: It's bad...this could be called Diaphragma.

D: Are you guys going to do the ritual? You reading Stephanie Myers in Chapters at Starbucks and C**..
A1: Oh, you missed my whole S&M fantasy phase!!

A: I don't know why guys don't do makeup. It's like Crayola for your face.
D: I tried once. But it was because of hickies.
A: She's like a cat, isn't she? ...have you ever had a cat that you got too soon from its mum? And it keeps sucking on you...

A: And there was Mr. Stripey who was named after an heirloom tomato called Mr. Stripey. It's like stuff white people like - naming cats after heirlooom vegetables.

D: Now I'm just picturing a dental dam as the star. Or a double dildo.

A1: I feel like none of this is anything to do with skill though. Unless it's like good blow jobs that make people marry you. It's like, this worked out. This is nice. Let's go kayaking.

A: I think everyone wants to sleep with everyone anyway, we're just lazy...it's like a zoo, it's just not a petting zoo.

on Eat, Pray, Love
C: You started it, didn't you?
A: I couldn't finish it. It made me throw up.
D: I liked the sequel better. Murder, Death, Kill.
A: Eat, Smoke, Fuck...

C: Fairies piss little dewdrops.
A!: Fairies don't piss. They exude.
D: What's that moisture around you? It's urine!
A1: Fairies don't need waste management. They are above waste.
D: Now I'm just picturing fairies working for Waste Management.
A1: Fairies are like metadata. They're above it all.

A1: I've spent ten years with a man and I know the importance of a good shitter. You spend ten years with a man, you'll know the intimate details of his shit cycle. You think it's all fun and romance until someone takes a dump.

A1: It's my boob dress. Oh well. I'm allowed to have boobs on weekends....they're going to think you went to Montreal and talked about boobs and cocks the whole time.
C: That's not entirely untrue...

C: I was almost tempted to go really right wing just to annoy my parents.
D: Yeah, me too.
C: But I couldn't have done it with a straight face.
A1: You could have done it with a straight face and be laughing on the inside. "Wealth trickles down. Like the blood of the Africans."

A1: The comfort with which you two hurt each other is underwhelming.

-

A: But after university it's like holy drama Batman.

C: I guess it doesn't really count as cheating if none of them ever says yes.

T: So how's life?
A: Life is...*dances*
T:...dancing the hula.
H: It's really terrible; that's what I think it means.

U: Lovely earrings. Inspired by Mad Men.
A: Batman??

JF: Were they wearing the kilts traditionally?
T: Oh, they're weaing them traditionally, with the sporran, with the...
C: I think that he's asking about underwear.
JF: Yes.
T: The problem was a lot of them were ** engineers and I wasn't inclined to investigate.

T: She was asking where she could find a prostitute.
A: I probably could have given her good directions.

A: Wait...they thought you were a prostitute?
JF: No. No. Tried that once. On Hallowe'en. It didn't work very well...this time we were standing and lifted up our skirts and tried to get cars to honk at us.

U; Everyone is entitled to secrets.
MP: Which they occasonally blurt out loud.
A: I kill goats!

JF: Do you know how grabby guys are in clubs?
A: With...you?

A: So you were at a gay club.
JF: There is a backstory behind this. My friend was DJing there.....I was ok with the buttgrab, because I understand guys do that to girls a lot but this guy went straight for the reacharound...
T: He wanted to check out the package before he paid the price.
JF: I can understand wanting to check the merchandise but after the reacharound it was not at prime value.

A: I don't know what's happening, but apparently I'm putting half the table in my top.

C: I was all like 'what? a turtle? I thought he was a painter!'
JF: Just because he's a turtle doesn't mean he can't paint.
A: Just because he has four fingers doesn't mean he can't choose artistry.

A: I can't really see the connection of death and a fork in your mouth.

C: ...just store it in your bra for later...
H: Is it vomit you are talking about?
C: Yes.
A: I don't think mine is big enough.
H: You should patent this.
A: A specially made bra. With vomit pockets.

JF: I think you've permanently ruined the image of breasts for me for the rest of my life.
CC: You'll be all ready for the gay club.

JF: My friend was telling me this story and apparetly his pickup line was that he was in a circle jerk.

JF: Think what the whole thing is filled with. Blood. What's going to happen when you crack it?

A??: Seriously, just go into gay clubs and ask. Do you have a sprained penis, & want me to help out?

J: Wouldn't that be a fun experiment, to go around to guys and ask to sprain their penis?
A: Some of them might like it.
CC: " As long as you touch it."

A: If there were a big explosion, I would assume it was a nuclear explosion. And I'd run out and be like WOW!
JF: In Ottawa where there are no nuclear plants.
A: We're all going to die!
T: Nuclear plants can't set off nuclear explosions.
A: I'd assume we were being bombed.
J: In Ottawa? Did they get lost?

T:..and this guy was t-boned by a deer...
A: I was thinking a t-bone steak hit a deer, but whatever, go on...

A: I think it's really funny, just to get on and don't think about it. And then you run into all these unexpected problems...
CC: Oh, I heard getting it on.

A: It is kind of sad.
JF: You just keep trying and trying and trying...
C: You could also say that about women...

MP: It really didn't help that you said fasten your thighs and you said screw it and just get on.
A: Yeah, you have a point.

A: I came to the realisation that my boobs were too big when they knocked something off a shelf.

I got the results of my autopsy

A: Ohmygod, yes, a mass grave!!!

J: This is my poking stick.
D: Are you sure you want...
J: Death threats and I'll double poke you.

A: I'm not very good at drawing skittles.
C: They're just circles.
A: I know...

D: Ok, J**, we're going to be making out until you get off the couch.
J: Fuck! You win this round.
A: There's so much more leverage now!

D: I wonder if people would be offended if I started saying "damn you" when they sneezed.

D: Hopefully we weren't offending anybody.
T: We try not to pay attention to young love.

D: And I looked up and he was smiling at me and I looked up because we were not making out at that point & I smiled at him and his smile got bigger...
T: Invitation accepted...

D: You know that I'd be the first one to say "quick, while he's still warm."
T: Rigor mortis has set in. I'm stiff all over.

D: Just a little flame. It was really cool, just jetting out of the end of a little stick.
T: Story of my life.

T: Everyone was awake. Except you and M***.
D: It was cottage and it was six in the fucking morning.
T: I'd started drinking. I needed others to drink with me.

T: It was the beer of choice back in the day. Back before there was choice.

G: I'd like to see your top ten list.
T: Could be anything. Bananas.....it's a top ten list! Could be anything.
G: Movies.
T: ...I love bananas.

T: How's your sleep these days, D**?
D: Good. It does the job.
S: Does the job...
T: Sleep should get up off its fucking lazy ass.

D: I know what I want on my gravestone. "Quick, while he's still warm!"

C: I read somewhere that the smell of fresh bread is a potent aphrodisiac.
T: I know when I smell bread I want to have sex.
D: Your loaf rises with the bread...

T: You're too sensitive, D***. Tell him he's too sensitive.
C: You are too sensitive. Clearly you're the woman in this relationship.
D: I was telling him you couldn't have bacon - at least not twice in one day - and he said "get rid of her." *pouts* He had to hug me...

D: T*** is basically my wife.
C: So he's the one I have to eliminate, then.

H: I had a dream "I had a dream..." I'm sorry. It's from a song. "I dreamed a dream of days gone by..." sorry. I haven't talked to anyone in a while. Except myself.

J2: Most of my best ideas are when I'm taking a dump. It's weird, but, you know the doctor dude in Back to the Future? - he thought up time travel when he was taking a crap...no, he hit his head.

A2: He was the one who walked in the room and was like "I got the results of my autopsy."
D: We were like "They did a damn fine job..."

J2: Just like, hanging out, doing stupid shit.
S2: Like humping a router.
J2: Hey, that was J** and D** who started that.
S2: You were humping it!

D: What did she say?
C: She said "It looks like you ate out some chick on her rag."
D: Oh. hmmm... Did you see...
S2: Oh please don't tell me this is a "speaking of which" transition.
D: It is, oh it is....did you ever see Zach & Miri Make a Porno? Did you ever see the outtakes?
S2: Do I want to?
D: It's really funny. I'm going to tell you..."I'll eat that pussy until I'm clownface."

S2: Explain to him what narcissism is.
D: Staring into a pool at yourself, until you drown.
J1: What?!
S2: You're making it worse!
C: Excessive self-love in the non-masturbatory sense.

A2: I don't like Avatar, It's like Pocahantas with a little bit of Fern Gully.

S2: I look like I'm gagging on a cock.
J2: You have pictures?
S: No, but I know what my face looks like. *gives look* Like that.
J2: Now we know what S** does when she's gagging on a cock.
S2: Everyone makes the same face! You just did.

D: Ok. I prefer not to end my day with a severed head.
C: It's how I like to start mine...

A: What did I tell you? You're in a lesbian relationship with my dad?
J: I'm a two-timing lover of her dad who's a woman...I sent her a text asking if she liked sourpuss and she thought it was her mum and then later she was taking a sip of some and she was like "oooh, you're not my mum" and I was like "your mum tastes like sourpuss??"

J: It's a murder clap. You look like you're trying to find the correct resonance to crush my skull.
C: That would be so cool!

A: That's what I did the other night. When I accidentally hit you in the nuts.
J: "I just accidentally rub my arm against soft objects."
A: At least it wasn't hard. Then I would have noticed. And that would have been awkward.

J: Stop doing the Spock eyebrow, dammit! You're not a Vulcan!
A: Ooooooh! Vulcans! I try not to think about that. Because I've been thinking about it too much lately.
J: I am not Shatner! I do not overact! Oh wait, I do! Fuck!
A: Don't you dare try to hook up with Spock!!!

J: You two have the weirdest fucking flirting I have ever seen. The fighting, the funny faces...
A: How can I put this. This is C** and this is D**. What else did you expect?
J: But it's so weird!
D: It's not kissing; fuck off.

J (to D): So me calling you an asshole makes you sexy.

*J turns on t.v.*
Seth Rogan: ..."but it's true: you can get skin cancer on your stones..."

R: Would it be bad to create a drinking game out of the Stand up to Cancer telethon?

J: Damn, it's genetic! Kermit the Frog is genetic!

T: Remember when I shotgunned a bottle of this?
M: On new years?
T: Yes.
M: And you threw up on me.
T: Yes.
M: J** threw up on me too. Two people threw up on me that night.
T: Someone threw up on me.

R: I wonder what it would be like with 2 guys one girl.
T: Shotgun anus.
M: You would.
T: I would. 'Cause you wouldn't.

D: If you can do quantum physics with pee, I will shit myself out of existence.
T: That sounds like a challenge to me!

A: De's going to kidnap Alfie for C**. And I'm going to play with him.
U: That's so sweet.
A: "Play" with him.

subtextual T-rex noises

C: Apparently I was nicknamed 'Sunshine' when I was a little kid. Can you see that?
J: Not unless you caused cancer.

D: Have you seen Dexter?
C: Yeah, a few episodes.
D: Did you like it?
C: He's too emotional.

J: See, it explodes their heads!
C: That's so cute.

D: I'm a nerd.
J: And yet I still enjoy you as a family member..no! no! I was trying not to...don't write that down!

song: "believe me when I say I fucked a mermaid."
C: How?
D: That's what I was thinking.
C: I suppose there's oral.
D: Yeah, but that's not what he's implying.
J: There are ways...
C: Tentacle sex!
D: Unless she fucks him: flipper sex!

boosh: V: "Couldn't you get a real priest?"
BF: "I didn't know how to get one."
D: Dress up as a little boy?

J: "Who took the cookie from the cookie jar?" You go around in a circle accusing each other until finally someone has enough and goes "fuck, yes, I did it!"
D: That sounds like an American torture mechanism.
J: Who put the C4 in the truck? Was it you, Abdullah?

J: Did you eat worms?
C: I threw them at people, and rocks...
D: I do that now.
J: Oh, that's why I wake up with bait in my bed.

J: Creepy piano man is the only one who understands me.

C: You killed everything.
J: Oh, ok. As usual.
D: Wait, isn't that your job?
C: Outsourcing?
D: Gotta share the wealth. We're a communist murder society.

J: I love that the first result is still Hitler.

MW: What is the texture of brains, anyway?
U: Kinda like tofu.

MW: I remember I had an idea for a Hallowe'en costume. Like, a nun on top and a prostitute on the bottom.
U: Tht would be, yeah...
D: Strangely accurate.

D: I remember for one bet, one of them had to dress up as a sheep and get humped by a dog.
MW: That doesn't sound like fun to me.

D: Yeah, we were walking the other day and some guys started saying something and she gave them the finger.
U: What did they say?
D: I think it was something like "hello."

(on the ghost in the machine)
C: You're not special. Chemicals are special.

A: You should be a cranioklept.
C: I should.
A: That would be an awesome thing to put on your resume: cranioklept.
C: We should start a club.
A: The cranioklepty club!
C: Instead of movie nights, we could go graverobbing.
A: It would be so much fun!!
C: We already have J*** to provide the forensic expertise.
A: It would be very illegal, but very fun!
C: We could make decorations and things.
A: It would be like black and lamps and stuff - like Harry Potter but so much cooler. So much cooler.

A: Oh my god, there's going to be a bomb today!
C: I need my t-shirt.
A: Let me get my shirt on!

A: Some people take that the wrong way. It's like the way I think fluffy things are cute or kitty cats.
C: You're not attracted to kitty cats.
A: No.
C: Despite your pedophile comment.

A: I'm having the weirdest dreams now. Something about a totalitarian society...
C: Awesome.
A: Something about talking to a carrot. Something about someone telling me the carrot was giving bad advice. In the dream I trusted the carrot. He seemed pretty reasonable.

C: I don't feel like squirting water out of an animal's behind at people. We all have a line...

A: I was like "usually I enjoy propaganda, but this was way to in my face..." I started drawing this triangle on a journey through space and he met this hairy caterpillar who strangled it with his mind. I called it "The Hairy Caterpillar and the Fifty-Eight Thieves." The emotionless triangle: really just an inanimate object, floating through space and strangled by a caterpillar. I feel so sorry for the emotionaless triangle. I mean, who wants to be inanimate? So sad. This little triangle floating through space and there's this huge toothy caterpillar. I mean, what is this thing? What a travesty!! I mean look at this triangle. It's lines aren't even straight. Look at it, the poor darling. It can't fit into triangle society, and that's why it went on its journey into space. The poor sexually confused triangle. Poor darling.
C: I love your brain. I really, really do.
A: I don't even know. I just don't even know. I don't even know. Do you think I know what goes on up there? I have no entry point.

C: Ohmygod, that's creepy.
A: It's like it's naked. It's dead.
C: It's a naked dead body. We should go all CSI on it.
A: And that's its lifeblood.
C: Oh no!
A: It came off!
C: It's like cranioklepty.
A: We could be the cranioklepts of pens! We could be like the morticians in Stationary Village.

A: I don't think they'd like me as a mortician. I'd be too..
C: Happy.
A: I'd be like LA LA LA hacking at them..."oh sorry, I went a little too feisty with your friend's corpse."

A: I can turn the light on if you want. I know you're like Harry Potter without the phallic symbolism, but...
C: I'm good.

J: Today I handed out bus passes to a guy who looked like Starburns. He even had star-shaped sideburns.

A: I would never steal your Guinessness. I have never done that before.
J: But I'm paranoid about my Guinessness. Especially since you started calling it my Guinessness.
MS: Guinessi?
J: I like that. Guinessi.
MS: Did I just make it in the notebook?

A: It's like the table's bicycle.
J: That doesn't work. No one wants to ride your beer.
P: Speak for yourself.
J: P**, what have I told you? What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

A: He doesn't seem weaselly to me. There are more weaselly people. Like weasels.
C: I don't think they're people.
T: Weasel people.

J: Why do I have to listen to you again?
A: Because I can kill you.
J: Seriously? I a diabetic toddler could kill me.
A: No, I could send C** to kill you.
J: I have realised that my death at C**'s hands is inevitable so it no longer scares me.

J: I think that's the only time someone's got a standing ovation for standing up.
MS: J** is so awesome he's getting a standing ovation for going to the washroom.
CC: Before, not after.

J: Oh great, it's like a projectile vomit of hatred.
A: Yes. Cheers.

CC: I saw Tits the other day. We had a good conversation. We talked about you...

C: It's your party; take the pickle.

J: Unless you want to see my face a bloody mangled mess...
C: Are you sure you want to phrase it that way?
J: Unless you want to see me lying in the gutter, crying...
C: Are you sure you want to phrase it that way?
J: Unless you want to get us kicked out of the bar...

CC: So now do you understand why I was like "we need to leave now."
MS: I just thought you didn't want to lose the reservation...actually, O** called me before and told me the whole thing.

J: You're like a red-headed unicorn of hatred.
A: It's my hair tentacle.

A: Yeah, we can go to Hollywood and get headshots!
J: Wow, you and I think of really different things when we hear the word "headshot."

A: This is the best kind of friends you can have. You can make dying T-rex noises and no one notices. It's true...everyone else is making subtextual T-rex noises.

CC: J**, it's all your fault!
J: A**'s secret children is my fault?
...
J: I don't even remember it.
CC: It was that good. Or that fast, I dunno.
...
C: Why do you have secret children?
J: That's what I want to know.
A: I just do.
C: Are they going to be minions or just entertainment?
A: Dunno. Could be clowns. Could be mice. Dunno.
C: They're going to feed your cats?
J: And I thought I was drunk...
A: Clowns, mice, an inanimate piece of toast...

BEER KARMA

A: I feel like the Allies liberating Europe.
C: Why?
A: Because we're liberating the alcohol.

A: I have a tendency to talk about incest with them. Oh well. I don't mind.
C: I'm not threatened.

J: Well, I knew half of it, but I don't know much about women, so I didn't..
C: I didn't notice either...

M: You should make out.
P: What do you think this is, your birthday?
M: Wait, I can make people make out on my birthday?

J: I know they don't have door knobs in Australia..
A: I live in Star Trek land now. They just open for me.
J: But you know what opens them? Poisonous snakes.
A: Is that what happened in Star Trk? Oh no, poor Spock, oh my god!!

A: True enough, young Paduan.
J: "True enough, young Paduan"?
A: Shut up; no one was supposed to hear that!

A: If I had a fucking fuck card
CC: Who would you use it towards?

J: She accidentally hit me in the nuts.
A: I didn't notice.
J: Which is even more emasculating.
MS: it happens.

MS: He's talking up a chick.
J: That sounds like P**.
MS: No, the chick's a dude.
J: That sounds like P**.
MS: He's got the ice.

C: You're such an INFP. "I want to be as free as the wind!"
A: "And then I got lazy."

To know of the notebook is to be part of the notebook

A: I don't know how to pat a dog. I automatically go for, like, the kitty parts.

A: I always had staring competitions with my cat. And I always won because she didn't have a good attention span.

D: I had this friend whose dog , every time she saw me, she just started barking and barking...
J: That's because she knew you're Satan.
D (growly voice attempt): What are you talking about?
J: I said Satan, not Kermit the Frog.

D: That's for my S&M.
A: That's quite a specific scenario.
J: Christmas S&M....deck the halls with ballbags of holly.
D: 'Tis the season to be jolly.
C: Don we now our gay apparel....

Captain Bleach and the Suicide Aftermath.

H: I wonder if they do that in real life. It's like, someone bumps into them on the street, they fall over, go all....you're like "soccer player."
C: It reminds me of Hamish Blake's "Does crying get you man love?"
Video

A: And he's(Spock) being all logical and I'm like "you're so cute!"
C: I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate that reaction.
A: I'm pretty sure he wouldn't. He'd be like "what?" and raise one eyebrow...
C: He'd tell you you were being illogical.
A: And he'd be like, "Your feelings are illogical, A***." and I'd be like "Yes!!! *giggles* Say it again!"

A: I do! You've discovered new insight into my character. My "character." Well. The way you drink tea or coffee says important things about someone who drinks as much as I do.
C: Yes, just the way you insert a needle tells a lot about a heroin addict.

A: I could play solitaire because that's all I know how to do.
C: You could invent your own tarot cards.
J: Ok, if you invented your own tarot cards, every card would be death.
A: But there would be many different ways to die.
J: Yes, always because your soul is leaving your body because C**** killed you.
C: Your limbs leaving your body, your blood leaving your body...a veritable buffet of options.

J: I can't take aspirin because I have bleedy blood. And no, you can't test this. That smile tells me all I need to know.

J: They're special.
A: So you pet me on the head.
J: I can't pat them on the head - they'd rip off my head.
A: But I can wreap reek, wrea, reap, wreak...
J: But I have a bridge full of fear!

S: They have a pedicure in Japan where they have a kind of fish - I forget what kind, not pirhanas - but they eat away the dead skin...

Muffins gone wild.

J: Our family came on the Mayflower.
D: Quite literally.
A: The poor Mayflower.
S: The whole family?

UNITY THROUGH TETANUS

GIANT SWIZZLESTICKS OF DOOM

A: By the by, you do know of the werewolves, right? LA LA LA

A: I feel like I have an audience here. Like I'm on display.
S: I prefer to think of it as a wall of judgement.

C: I want a demon.
A: What?
C: A demon.
S: What?
C&A: Demon.
A: I head "a Dean." I was like, ok...
S: I heard "I want to die." I was like, keep it to yourself, C**...

C: See, I would just be tempted to do something that makes you look ridiculous rather than something that furthered my evil plans.
J: This is me. I already look ridiculous.
C: But think how much more ridiculous you would look with a tentacle growing out of your forehead, poking your nose and eyes.
J: I could be popular with Japanese girls.
T: Looking for some head.
J: And then I wouldn't have a complex from tentacle sex anymore!
C: I'll save your lovelife by implanting a tentacle in your forehead!!
J: Why aren't you writing this down?

D: Why would I be cold? What with all the ice and air conditioning and water...
C: Damp.
D: We prefer the term "wet."
C: Ok....
J: D**, how's the foot in mouth disease coming?
D: Great. Badly.

D: Thankfully, I learnt not to eat when I was in Europe.
J: I learnt not to eat when you were in Europe too.

C: Hockey just isn't the same without constant sexual innuendo.
D: Then again, D** has been giving it to us all...oh god.
D: I wish I could phase shift to another dimension right now.

D&J: To know of the notebook is to be part of the notebook.

C: A superpower of contagion thing?
J: There was already a supervillain with that power. They called her Typhoid Mary....could have been more original though.
D: AIDS Jane?

A: It smells of you though. It should have my scent. It should smell like me.

A: My world is orange! I see the light!
D: You should punch it.
A: Hmmmm, maybe you're right. Maybe I should punch the light....oooh, there's a button in here....

J: Congratulations, A***, you're a sleep lesbian.
A: No, I consider myself sleep-bicurious. I'm not fully graduated to lesbianism yet.

A: Fuck me, why did I just do that?
C: What?
A: I licked my arm. It tasted like soap...I was like laughing and giggling yesterday and for some reason I kissed my hand. There's like this moment where you step back and are like "what the fuck am I doing?"

A: What is the purpose of having weirdness if not to share it with everyone so they can mock you?

A: I have flashes of...
C: Competence?
A: Yeah, I wasn't sure what to call it...
C: It's so unfamiliar...

S: There must have been so much fake laughter in Nazi Germany.
A: Like, ahahahaha. Hahaha Hitler. That's so funny Hitler...

Bitches don't understand caterpillars

A: I feel like I should have a white van for kittens. I'm like a kitty version of a
C: Pedophile?

J: Please don't immolate my roomate. Unless you're willing to pay half my rent.
D: I shouldn't tell you about the insurance policy, should I?
J: Am I the beneficiary?
D: Indirectly.
J: The lighter fluid's in there.
D: It actually is in there.

C: Don't you like fire?
J: I want to save it for later.
A: We all know you're going to kill D.
J: That would be too predictable.
CC: It will be romantic.
C: It will be a romantic death scene...
J: We're cousins!
...
D: Or it could be like an exploding heart!
C: His body could fertilize roses!

CC: It's like a really bad tampon. It's like a canesten infomercial.
A: It's like the worst thing I've heard all day. Oh my god. And I can't stop doing it for some reason.
J: Anyone else need a drink?

J: C, do you want it?
A: Do not give lethal weapons to C!
D: I value my eyes.
J: It's not lethal; it's disfiguring.
D: Again, I value my eyes.

A: Oh, I thought you said 'fucking my bones.'
C: No picking...well, they might.
A: Like, on...
C: Or in the carcasses.
A: It could be a fetish...what would it be called if it were a specific part of a corpse? Not necrophilia...
C: Ossiphilia?

A: What did you just say? You would need a large vagina?
CC: No you'd need a really large penis that wraps around.

J: You'd think with the amound of expense I've had, I'd be better off faking them.
D: That's what she said.

J: Can we please stop talking about porn? It's making me uncomfortable. And I don't want to feel uncomfortabe when thinking about porn.

Bob Cole: And all the big guns are on for Pittsburgh: Crosby.....(long pause)

A: I am so gangster. Bitches don't understand caterpillars. Yeah. That so distilled my personality. Being all opinionated and then saying something like that.

A: And we made caterpillar friends! Well, I made caterpillar friends. You made caterpillar enemies.
C: They molested me.
A: They molested you. And I molested them!! It's the circle of life...And it moves us all...

A: You have a strong record of ridiculous.
D: I love that you're standing there with a knife.

J: You are the pinto bean layer beneath the mother is your sour cream. The tortilla chips are your repressed urges mixing you with your mother...

A: My mum, yeah...this time I asked for Christmas for the Millenium Album by the Backstreet Boys and I got this thing called "The Millenium Prayer Album."

MW: Well, I can't really relate to the characters that much.
U: Thank GOD.
MW: But it's kind of like escapism.
U: Because you and me, we'd have to have a talk.

MW: It's still a person. They can still respect you and want to drink your blood.

A: Well, the Japanese are perverted in a more imaginative, ridiculous, amazing way...
C: If you think about it, tentacle sex is probably effective.
J: Well, squids have teeth and stuff...
C: Well just in terms of flexibility and mobility and such...
(D walking in door)
J: I'm sort of going to have an inferiority complex by the end of the night because of tentacle sex...Hi D. Perfect timing.

D: I wanted to do that. Shout it out in church."Let's have sex!"
A: I'm thinking of the threesome with the Christ with the extra holes.
J: It would be a real party. He could turn the water in your body into wine.
D: Are you talking about alcohol-based lubricant?
C: Wouldn't that chafe?

J: Ok, so plan B.
D: What's plan B?
C: Cry like a BITCH!!
J: Again, not helping.
A: I don't think she's trying to help.
C: I love codeine...

D: What did one necrophiliac say to another necrophiliac?
Want to get a cold one?

D: That water cooler looks hot.
J: Are you hitting on it?
D: I've had my eye on it all night.
A: It's wet.
J: You going to tap that?
D: I have to turn it on first.

A: Can you imagine that? If C broke into your house...
J: *whimpers*
D: It's been a good life.
J: I think I'd have to put my dresser in front of my door and I can hide in the closet...
C: Yes, please tell me your plan.

A: Food is much better when it used to move on its own. You can almost taste its dreams.

A: So we have five channels. Three of which are named after numbers. Numbers above five. I never thought of that....

S: I mean, we had teachers who hit students, but it was accidentally. I mean he didn't meean to hit the marker in her eye - he meant to hit her with the marker, but not in the eye...

C: I think we need to make up lovers for the friends of our friends we don't know, so we can join in the conversation.

D: We probably should have stopped when I nearly poked out your eye. It's like your stick in hockey: you have to be responsible for it at all times.

D: I honestly expect to go out some night to get some water and find you there, but with a bloodstained knife.
J: Where?
D: In our apartment. She knows how to get in now because of the Canadian Tire guy.

J: My first drink thought is "I could eat 40 chicken nuggets."
A: I probably could eat 40 chicken nuggets.

D: No deflowering! No deflowering!
J: I learn something new about you every day, D.
D: Hey, you don't have four.
J: what.

A: I spent a wonderful summer in Australia when I discovered how wonderful spitballs are. Well, not spitballs exactly, but the power of sticking sticky toilet paper to things.
S: Ewww...
A: No, I would sit in my bathroom and I would take the toilet paper and I would throw it on the ceiling above the sink and no one noticed.

A: You should meet my brother. He has like the longest and thickest lashes - like more than any girl.
C: Maybe he wears mascara and doesn't admit it.
U: He might, just, like, to keep it up.
*C&S snigger immaturely*
S: I hadn't heard that before. You don't need Viagra; you just need mascara.

A: Everytime some guy honks, it's always when I'm with someone else, so I tell them it's at them.
C: Well, there was the guy dripping blood.
A: There was the possibly concussed guy dripping blood yes.
C: And the guy who thought you were a prostitute.
A: The two guys who thought I was a prostitute yes.