March 28, 2009: Running through the mountains with a dialysis machine

O: Would you rather be a man or a woman, given the choice?
C: Woman. Out of apathy. I’m used to it. Also, it’s safer to have your genitalia on the inside.

O: My mommy likes to tell me that if she were me she’d go around naked all the time.
C: I thought that was your grandmother.
O: Both. This compliment has been passed on....eventually I’ll be teaching my bear-hatted children to be nudists.

O: I think it’s an Arabic expression or something, but she says “praise your vagina.” She’s been saying that since I was little. What a horrible thing to hear from your grandmother: “praise your darling vagina.”

O: I edited my brother’s essay the other day; he gave me whitening strips for it.

AB: ...Does he have his kidneys?
MP: Yes he does.
S: Good, that’s an important thing in first impressions. This guy has kidneys. I can trust him.
AB: I kind of wonder what it’s like running through the mountains with a dialysis machine.

O: But why would they eat the explosives?
AB: Because C4 looks like marshmallows.

O: I have to calibrate my personality over there because I sound like a cartoon character...and then I come back here and people think I’m trying to kill them.

O: I want to have babies so I can be a better cook....but that’s normal!

O: I though that it was really sad that the orphanage was making them find their own organs.

AB: ...“I have never seen a sphincter so clean and well-kept.” No, wait a minute, what’s that bone called....my one line tonight.

AB:...she’s waiting for me to put my foot in my mouth further.
CC: But what else can you say?
AB: I don’t know; apparently I have a fart pocket and I like sphincters.

AB: See, I’ve got the 45 degree rule. If it’s not in the 45 degrees from my eyes, I don’t see it. Even if I trip over it.
J: I can’t help it that I’m tall....

O: It’s like an entire sadomasochist dungeon and they don’t admit it. It’s like Italians – they’re all gay and they don’t admit it.

AB: She was like “D**, go over there and read this book while I go over there and take her shirt off...”
J: You don’t need the book!
O: ...I thought you were really reading the book!
U: I thought he was reading the book!
AB: I was. It took a lot of concentration...

AB: Very few women come back from Russia with phobias of big burly women with birch branches...
O: Well, she was very strong, so I thought I’d do what she said.

O: Actually, I really like it when you snap my underwear....why are you stopping?

S: So what are we talking about here?
MP: Massage.
S: OH. I was like, ‘you meet someone, you see what their feet feel like, then you work with that’?? Ok. Context.

J: This massage is so good, I can’t even pay attention to the lesbian action going on over there.

C: It must be like a Disney movie in your head sometimes.
O: Sometimes, people burst into song.

C: Yeah. but girls can’t just go like “hey, your bum is round I just had to grab it.”
O: I worked at Hooters!....I worked at a place where girls grabbed each other inappropriately all the time...