I could have slit my wrists. Instead I laughed.

P1: I have a picture of a British soldier being shot in the face and a picture of an Acadian teenager being shot in the face. I also have a picture of the giant lobster.

A1: What's with all the skirts, W***?
C: It's so hot out.
A1: But we've discussed how your medication makes you act like you're pregnant, right?

A1: I'm just one of those people whose husband keeps a sharp eye on her cash. So I need to fund my addictions in subversive ways.

A1: We're discussing the woman who asked if I was pregnant.
D1: You never ask a woman that. Unless she's like... *gestures*
A1: With some women, it's either a baby or a tumour. Sorry W***.
D1: No offense, C****.

A1: ...so it's like sucking your own soul.
S7: I don't have a soul left to suck. I ate it.
A1: "What's for lunch? My soul."

Q: But that's like hurting people's eyes.
A1: I hate her eyes, don't you?
Q: I don't look at them....

M1: There's different parts to the diagram, so having a bunch of sections to fill it out is fine.
A1: It's like curlers. For your hair. I need more caffeine.
M1: Are you sure it's more? Not less?
A1: More. Always more.

A7: I wonder how much it would have cost to stuff my hamster.

A1: Did you want a hamster here?
S7: I'd like one, but, thing is, when they die, they're really hard to get rid of....I didn't tell you I shipped my hamster back home? I thought I told everyone about that. It was going to cost me $60 to cremate him so I shipped him back to Kansas.

A1: Sometimes I imagine there's a special fairy. And she comes and puts her hand over my mouth...I tell my husband about it and he says maybe the Tact Fairy is in the bar getting liquored up.

A1: I hear the CIA likes triangles or squares. Circles don't work - they party too much.

C: ...but that means I'm obsessed with sex and partying. That doesn't work.
A1: You just haven't hit your stride yet. We'll talk when you're thirty and you'll be a total nympho.

S1: Is that a rape whistle around your neck?
A1: It's a USB key...boring.
C: It's library school.
A1: Librarians get raped too.

A1: I get to write about my leadership abilities. Because I'm such a leader. I'm a leader of distraction. 'C***, let's not work; lets go get lattes.'
C: I'd follow you anywhere.
A1: Anywhere there's caffeine.
S71: "My friends are like lemmings. They'd follow me off a cliff."
A1: And they love it when you call them that.
S7: I'd like it if you called me a lemming.
A1: S***, you're a lemming.
S7: You're going to tell me to jump off a cliff?
A1: You dirty little lemming....we're not going to eat our babies today; we're going to jump off a cliff!

S7: Come on, I've shared my Kansas expressions you must have some good ones from West Virginia.
A1: Sure: 'Daddy don't touch me like that.'
S7: I think my Kansas ones are better.

A1: I'm a great slug...
S1: It's like we've all just breathed in gasoline or something. I don't think we'll be able to get through class without saying something inappropriate.

A1: See, what you do is lean over and then go 'I'm a giant slug. rawr.'
S1: So you turn into a dinosaur at the end?
A1: Yeah...

C: But they die sooner.
A1: And then you have a giant party. My mother and I have it all planned out. We're going to garden. And compost.
S1: And you're going to go 'I'm a giant slug!'

(on peeing on cars)
S1: Unless the car alarm went off and they came out and found you with your pants around your ankles.
A1: I was pretty cute then; it's not a problem.
S1: Aw, you're still really cute. But I don't want to see it.
A1: Some guys are into that.

S1: I don't mind her writing stuff down unless it's like, fecal fetishes...actually, no, I don't mind.

S1: Cause if you want a tight ass and legs, you can do this.
C: Or not?
S1: That's because you already have a tight ass.
C: I didn't know you noticed...

S1: Ok, there's probably one online, but, like a real one....like the Pirates of the Caribbean one....yeah, like the highest-budget porn movie of all time. Look it up - you can see the trailers on youtube, W***'s seen it and I asked about the plot in class last week. Apparently there's lots of plundering and 'Arrr.'

S7: Do you think they changed their names too? Like, Johnny Depp was 'Johnny Deeper'?
S1: That's so good. I might wet my pants. I was going to say something worse but I'm going to stop talking now. Replace wet with jizz.

P1: This is the kind of thing you were talking about? I'm so sorry I missed that.
M1: Say it like you mean it.
P1: I don't think I can.

P1: This is the happiest I've seen C*** without having someone say the word 'kitten.'
C: I'm on drugs.
P1: I can tell.
S1: She's got a rape whistle.
C: It's a USB key.
P1: Same thing. It tells any guy she's a geek. Same effect. It's like, who needs a rape whistle when you've got a Chewbacca t-shirt?

S1: Actually, no, never mind. She has a whistle for a reason.

S1: How will we have dirty humour without you?
P1: You guys had dirty humour before class without me. That's not all I'm good for, you know.
A1: That's all we like you for.
P1: Thanks.
S1: You made us laugh in library school - that's essential.
P1: So what you're saying is: I saved your lives?
S1: I could have slit my wrists. Instead I laughed.

A1: Ever since I started acting like an idiot instead of saying anything stupid, you haven't been writing things down. It's kind of cool. Because how can you write "A*** acted like a giant slug and fell onto a chair and bumped her ass'?

J1: What are we going to do without our ugly blue sofas?
A1: Sleep on breatheable fabrics. Be careful with our bodily fluids....these are kind of ideal for undergrads, though, because they have sex on anything.

A1: C**, I love you, and you're smart, but if you call me dumb, my therapist is going to say I have to stop seeing you.

_____________________

A1: For like a school project, how would you catalogue "mrow chikka mrow mrow?" Is it like...like, what kind of metadata would that have? Like, human sounds of cats making sounds of humans...

A2: He's messed up. That's why he married me.
D1: So why did you marry him?
A2: I don't know yet.
P1: The secret Acadian stash of gold.

S2: I just can't get past these weird rectangles that zoom on faces. I just don't know about them.
P1: It's not a technology thing. It's a New Brunswick thing. It's a mental problem.

C: Hey, I shoot myself in the foot too.
A1: C***, no one has your inappropriate rape jokes on the internet.. Just stop that thought right there.

O1: I'll bring porno kitty out of the bag. I'll perch on the chair beside her. Mrow. Mroooooow. Mrow.

O: My dancing is one of the most uncomfortable things I could do in public.
C: I imagine urinating would be up there.
O. No. I'm ok with that....dancing is like one, talking to people two. Urinating is like ten or eleven.
A1: You don't want to dance?
O: I'd rather urinate in the corner.

A1: It's like all of my choreography is of the Natural Geographic sort.
O: All natural.
A1: Do you want to see my monkey dance?

K4: Didn't you learn that sex is evil?
P1: We had catechism and never learnt that. We just coloured pictures of Jesus.

A2: Does anyone know where it's at? Mathew 2:21; that's where it's at. Poink.
P1: Who are you?

K4: I'm sorry. We're trying to talk about very important things here.
D1: What very important topics?
K4: Penis shadow puppets....and the best line from the review: "Your penis won't be a useless lump of flesh anymore. You can make shadow puppets with it."

______________

P1: Am I in your database?
C: No.
P1: I'm in J & V's Quebec Gay Archives databases.

P1: He looks like a guy in high school who would beat up other people.
K4: Is it wrong to find that hot?

P1: In New Brunswick, I don't need friends. I have, like, four.

P1: Then you have the caveman, Dmitri.
Q: Oh, I like Dmitri.
P1: Yes, but he has a sloping forehead. And then there's the football douche guys.

P1: Statistically speaking, there must be.
Q: K**? Are you a carpet muncher?
K4: What?
P1: Est-ce que tu mange le tapis?

K4: So long as I'm not a gay person having an abortion wearing a condom, it's ok.
Q: Gay people don't generally have abortions.

C: April's the last snowstorm.
S7: That's just fucked up.
M1: It's not high volume, though. Winds...
Q: It's like Narnia. Always winter and never Christmas.

C: There's bug sex everywhere.
Q: In April.
C: They had sex in my nostrils. When I was walking over here. I feel so used.
S8: At least someone's getting some action around here.
S7: It's true.
W: It is.

S8: This is the last time I'm going to spend in my entire life drinking and talking with people about Shakespeare. I just want to absorb this.
Q: We were talking about Birmingham booty calls earlier...

S8: If I saw someone who looked like him on the street, I would be like "Ok, I have fifteen seconds to bear your children."

Q: ....lubrication.
S8: I wasn't going to say it, but yeah.
C: There are clean forms of lubrication.
S8: And there's dirty slimy sexy forms of lubrication.
C: Hygiene.

J1: Sorry. C*** and I have our own private conversations sometimes.
P1: C*** has her own private conversations sometimes.
J1: Am I funny enough to make it in yet?

A2: I mean once you get divorced you married P****.
P1: I don't know what that means.
K4: It means your pool of candidates has narrowed....

P1: You've been dating two years now. Have you even held hands yet?
K4: No.
W: I kissed her last week, though.
P1: I haven't heard this story....this is what happens in a program with too few guys.

C: I can just imagine going to a helium bar for a date.
S8: That would be an awesome first date.
P1: That guy better not try any moves, because it's going to sound a lot stupider. Like Alvin and the Chipmunks,
S8: How are you? The better now you got here.'
C: I still want a hula hoop....

A1: Oh, you can say something bad about anyone.
P1: I can't say anything bad about you (J3). C***, yes. She's like really nice 90% of the time and really, really horrible the rest.

J3: You could start making up horrible things about people.
P1: In that case, you have sex with dead animals.
J3: No.
P1: I think so.
C: Squirrels.
J3: I don't even want to think about how that would work.
C: They tickle.
J3: How do you know?

C: I have antipsychotic pills that made me lose weight. If you want.
A1: But will they stop the psychosis? Because I hear voices telling me I'm pregnant.

A1: So here's how you fake enthusiasm: Act like you're on crack...
C: I've never been on crack.
A1: Me neither. You act like you're on crack and repeat keywords. Like 'yeah, archives, yeah...'

M1: He brings it to school? (Audrey)
K4: Didn't he put it under his sweater and try to birth it at some point?
A2: I don't know.
K4: You weren't there.
A2: I wouldn't put it past him.
K4: At least you didn't have to hold his hand and help him push.
A2: I'd have to slap him.

P1: Who stinks? K?
K4: You know, I think that the bear is a way for you to project your feelings.
P1: She told me she was trying to spell 'Y' to say 'you're a bitch.' Ow! My nipples! They're sensitive....I'm lactating...