To know of the notebook is to be part of the notebook

A: I don't know how to pat a dog. I automatically go for, like, the kitty parts.

A: I always had staring competitions with my cat. And I always won because she didn't have a good attention span.

D: I had this friend whose dog , every time she saw me, she just started barking and barking...
J: That's because she knew you're Satan.
D (growly voice attempt): What are you talking about?
J: I said Satan, not Kermit the Frog.

D: That's for my S&M.
A: That's quite a specific scenario.
J: Christmas S&M....deck the halls with ballbags of holly.
D: 'Tis the season to be jolly.
C: Don we now our gay apparel....

Captain Bleach and the Suicide Aftermath.

H: I wonder if they do that in real life. It's like, someone bumps into them on the street, they fall over, go all....you're like "soccer player."
C: It reminds me of Hamish Blake's "Does crying get you man love?"
Video

A: And he's(Spock) being all logical and I'm like "you're so cute!"
C: I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate that reaction.
A: I'm pretty sure he wouldn't. He'd be like "what?" and raise one eyebrow...
C: He'd tell you you were being illogical.
A: And he'd be like, "Your feelings are illogical, A***." and I'd be like "Yes!!! *giggles* Say it again!"

A: I do! You've discovered new insight into my character. My "character." Well. The way you drink tea or coffee says important things about someone who drinks as much as I do.
C: Yes, just the way you insert a needle tells a lot about a heroin addict.

A: I could play solitaire because that's all I know how to do.
C: You could invent your own tarot cards.
J: Ok, if you invented your own tarot cards, every card would be death.
A: But there would be many different ways to die.
J: Yes, always because your soul is leaving your body because C**** killed you.
C: Your limbs leaving your body, your blood leaving your body...a veritable buffet of options.

J: I can't take aspirin because I have bleedy blood. And no, you can't test this. That smile tells me all I need to know.

J: They're special.
A: So you pet me on the head.
J: I can't pat them on the head - they'd rip off my head.
A: But I can wreap reek, wrea, reap, wreak...
J: But I have a bridge full of fear!

S: They have a pedicure in Japan where they have a kind of fish - I forget what kind, not pirhanas - but they eat away the dead skin...

Muffins gone wild.

J: Our family came on the Mayflower.
D: Quite literally.
A: The poor Mayflower.
S: The whole family?

UNITY THROUGH TETANUS

GIANT SWIZZLESTICKS OF DOOM

A: By the by, you do know of the werewolves, right? LA LA LA

A: I feel like I have an audience here. Like I'm on display.
S: I prefer to think of it as a wall of judgement.

C: I want a demon.
A: What?
C: A demon.
S: What?
C&A: Demon.
A: I head "a Dean." I was like, ok...
S: I heard "I want to die." I was like, keep it to yourself, C**...

C: See, I would just be tempted to do something that makes you look ridiculous rather than something that furthered my evil plans.
J: This is me. I already look ridiculous.
C: But think how much more ridiculous you would look with a tentacle growing out of your forehead, poking your nose and eyes.
J: I could be popular with Japanese girls.
T: Looking for some head.
J: And then I wouldn't have a complex from tentacle sex anymore!
C: I'll save your lovelife by implanting a tentacle in your forehead!!
J: Why aren't you writing this down?

D: Why would I be cold? What with all the ice and air conditioning and water...
C: Damp.
D: We prefer the term "wet."
C: Ok....
J: D**, how's the foot in mouth disease coming?
D: Great. Badly.

D: Thankfully, I learnt not to eat when I was in Europe.
J: I learnt not to eat when you were in Europe too.

C: Hockey just isn't the same without constant sexual innuendo.
D: Then again, D** has been giving it to us all...oh god.
D: I wish I could phase shift to another dimension right now.

D&J: To know of the notebook is to be part of the notebook.

C: A superpower of contagion thing?
J: There was already a supervillain with that power. They called her Typhoid Mary....could have been more original though.
D: AIDS Jane?

A: It smells of you though. It should have my scent. It should smell like me.

A: My world is orange! I see the light!
D: You should punch it.
A: Hmmmm, maybe you're right. Maybe I should punch the light....oooh, there's a button in here....

J: Congratulations, A***, you're a sleep lesbian.
A: No, I consider myself sleep-bicurious. I'm not fully graduated to lesbianism yet.

A: Fuck me, why did I just do that?
C: What?
A: I licked my arm. It tasted like soap...I was like laughing and giggling yesterday and for some reason I kissed my hand. There's like this moment where you step back and are like "what the fuck am I doing?"

A: What is the purpose of having weirdness if not to share it with everyone so they can mock you?

A: I have flashes of...
C: Competence?
A: Yeah, I wasn't sure what to call it...
C: It's so unfamiliar...

S: There must have been so much fake laughter in Nazi Germany.
A: Like, ahahahaha. Hahaha Hitler. That's so funny Hitler...

Bitches don't understand caterpillars

A: I feel like I should have a white van for kittens. I'm like a kitty version of a
C: Pedophile?

J: Please don't immolate my roomate. Unless you're willing to pay half my rent.
D: I shouldn't tell you about the insurance policy, should I?
J: Am I the beneficiary?
D: Indirectly.
J: The lighter fluid's in there.
D: It actually is in there.

C: Don't you like fire?
J: I want to save it for later.
A: We all know you're going to kill D.
J: That would be too predictable.
CC: It will be romantic.
C: It will be a romantic death scene...
J: We're cousins!
...
D: Or it could be like an exploding heart!
C: His body could fertilize roses!

CC: It's like a really bad tampon. It's like a canesten infomercial.
A: It's like the worst thing I've heard all day. Oh my god. And I can't stop doing it for some reason.
J: Anyone else need a drink?

J: C, do you want it?
A: Do not give lethal weapons to C!
D: I value my eyes.
J: It's not lethal; it's disfiguring.
D: Again, I value my eyes.

A: Oh, I thought you said 'fucking my bones.'
C: No picking...well, they might.
A: Like, on...
C: Or in the carcasses.
A: It could be a fetish...what would it be called if it were a specific part of a corpse? Not necrophilia...
C: Ossiphilia?

A: What did you just say? You would need a large vagina?
CC: No you'd need a really large penis that wraps around.

J: You'd think with the amound of expense I've had, I'd be better off faking them.
D: That's what she said.

J: Can we please stop talking about porn? It's making me uncomfortable. And I don't want to feel uncomfortabe when thinking about porn.

Bob Cole: And all the big guns are on for Pittsburgh: Crosby.....(long pause)

A: I am so gangster. Bitches don't understand caterpillars. Yeah. That so distilled my personality. Being all opinionated and then saying something like that.

A: And we made caterpillar friends! Well, I made caterpillar friends. You made caterpillar enemies.
C: They molested me.
A: They molested you. And I molested them!! It's the circle of life...And it moves us all...

A: You have a strong record of ridiculous.
D: I love that you're standing there with a knife.

J: You are the pinto bean layer beneath the mother is your sour cream. The tortilla chips are your repressed urges mixing you with your mother...

A: My mum, yeah...this time I asked for Christmas for the Millenium Album by the Backstreet Boys and I got this thing called "The Millenium Prayer Album."

MW: Well, I can't really relate to the characters that much.
U: Thank GOD.
MW: But it's kind of like escapism.
U: Because you and me, we'd have to have a talk.

MW: It's still a person. They can still respect you and want to drink your blood.

A: Well, the Japanese are perverted in a more imaginative, ridiculous, amazing way...
C: If you think about it, tentacle sex is probably effective.
J: Well, squids have teeth and stuff...
C: Well just in terms of flexibility and mobility and such...
(D walking in door)
J: I'm sort of going to have an inferiority complex by the end of the night because of tentacle sex...Hi D. Perfect timing.

D: I wanted to do that. Shout it out in church."Let's have sex!"
A: I'm thinking of the threesome with the Christ with the extra holes.
J: It would be a real party. He could turn the water in your body into wine.
D: Are you talking about alcohol-based lubricant?
C: Wouldn't that chafe?

J: Ok, so plan B.
D: What's plan B?
C: Cry like a BITCH!!
J: Again, not helping.
A: I don't think she's trying to help.
C: I love codeine...

D: What did one necrophiliac say to another necrophiliac?
Want to get a cold one?

D: That water cooler looks hot.
J: Are you hitting on it?
D: I've had my eye on it all night.
A: It's wet.
J: You going to tap that?
D: I have to turn it on first.

A: Can you imagine that? If C broke into your house...
J: *whimpers*
D: It's been a good life.
J: I think I'd have to put my dresser in front of my door and I can hide in the closet...
C: Yes, please tell me your plan.

A: Food is much better when it used to move on its own. You can almost taste its dreams.

A: So we have five channels. Three of which are named after numbers. Numbers above five. I never thought of that....

S: I mean, we had teachers who hit students, but it was accidentally. I mean he didn't meean to hit the marker in her eye - he meant to hit her with the marker, but not in the eye...

C: I think we need to make up lovers for the friends of our friends we don't know, so we can join in the conversation.

D: We probably should have stopped when I nearly poked out your eye. It's like your stick in hockey: you have to be responsible for it at all times.

D: I honestly expect to go out some night to get some water and find you there, but with a bloodstained knife.
J: Where?
D: In our apartment. She knows how to get in now because of the Canadian Tire guy.

J: My first drink thought is "I could eat 40 chicken nuggets."
A: I probably could eat 40 chicken nuggets.

D: No deflowering! No deflowering!
J: I learn something new about you every day, D.
D: Hey, you don't have four.
J: what.

A: I spent a wonderful summer in Australia when I discovered how wonderful spitballs are. Well, not spitballs exactly, but the power of sticking sticky toilet paper to things.
S: Ewww...
A: No, I would sit in my bathroom and I would take the toilet paper and I would throw it on the ceiling above the sink and no one noticed.

A: You should meet my brother. He has like the longest and thickest lashes - like more than any girl.
C: Maybe he wears mascara and doesn't admit it.
U: He might, just, like, to keep it up.
*C&S snigger immaturely*
S: I hadn't heard that before. You don't need Viagra; you just need mascara.

A: Everytime some guy honks, it's always when I'm with someone else, so I tell them it's at them.
C: Well, there was the guy dripping blood.
A: There was the possibly concussed guy dripping blood yes.
C: And the guy who thought you were a prostitute.
A: The two guys who thought I was a prostitute yes.

Arranging destiny through romance and mystery

U: We should have a swopping party sometime.
CC: What?
C: Swopping what?
U: Clothes.
CC: Oh, 'cause I was like "I don't have a boyfriend to bring..."

A: Oh, I thought that guy's name was Hepatitis. "Hey baby, I'm Mr. Hepatitis" - worst. pickup. line. ever.

A: I decided to be proactive about things, so I joined a dating site.
SC: albinoasianmidgets.com
A: So this guy messages me. He was albino and he had a cane. He was like "the first thing you'll notice about me is I have a cane."
C: Why did you pick this site?
A: It was free.
SC: It wasn't actually that - she wouldn't tell me so I said I would tell you it was albinoasianmidgets.com.
A: And there was this other guy - you'd like this - he asked me to, like, describe myself in 10 words and I said whatever and then he did himself and said "Arranging destiny through romance and mystery."

A: I would be a good 80s movie montage.

O: You don't choose to have feelings.
C: Yes you do. I do.
A: Oh C****, the more I know you, the more I think Dexter.
O: No no no no no we've had this conversation. C*** is way more of a psychopath than Dexter.

U: He shared the same sentiment as you against Valentine's day.
MW: You're against Valentine's day?
C: I just think it's silly.
MW: It's about chocolate. How could that be bad?

A: It's like child porn. For necrophiliacs.

C: That's creepy.
A: It is. It's fondling the car.
C: The rain is groping the car!!

C: That is the geekiest way of summoning a vortex ever. High fives.
A: And really flailing stupid high fives.

O: Can you imagine a hobbit with a foot fetish?

C: We all know I'm more likely to turn to murder than to suicide.

CC: I was a bad student. "What rhymes with duck?" "Fuck!" "CC, that's a bad word." "But it rhymes..."

CC: He was like "what's your sexual fantasy?" and I said "to cuddle afterwards..."

O: A*** this cake feels like you.
A: It does.
O: Super moist.
A: I'm glad there's context for this, because that...

C: I'm tempted to squirt you.
A: Oh that's - you know how I told you I have a bad association with the word squirt?
C: Yeah.
A: Well, we're saying it all the time now and it's bad.
C: Moist.
A: Oh god, moist...I feel all warm and moist now.
C: Because you got squirted.

A: I tend to hug things that are square and hard. Square and hard...I have a fetish for inanimate objects that are hard and cold and calculating.

O: I'm surprised my parents didn't send me to a psychologist earlier. I had these displays in my closet of barbies and my little ponies in compromising positions.

A: Yeah, I mean couldn't she just run off with the Cheshire cat?

A: One of the best things about dressing gowns is how you can feel like Napoleon in them. I mean, don't you feel more powerful with your hand tucked in your robe? I do. More napoleonic.

D: I was just thinking the Huggies thief has struck again! At least she didn't go for the Pampers.
J: Speaking of weird...
C: KITTY!!!!!!!!!!

C: I like imagining that people in shows are gay and imagining what happens.
J: Jack Bauer. It would be the angriest gay sex ever.
D: Horatio Caine. I'm almost there...yeeeeaaaahhh.
A: Oh god, with the sunglasses...Was it...good for you?
J: Before we do this, I'm going to need...protection.

J: Oh god, my hubris!
CC: I heard uterus. I was like, "honey, you don't have one..."

D: It looks like...I'm not even going to say it...It looks like a rapist beard.
J: It does. It looks like it smells of roofies and chloroform.
C: And semen.
A: And tears. Semen and tears.
D: Wait, was that Bob Cole? He just said "and they're still feeling each other up."
C: That was bad timing.

A: What did you take a picture of?
J: You'll never know!!! Oh, my thumb apparently.

A: Dildos! Dildos!!
D: DILDOS!
J: That is the best war cry ever.
D: Ribbed for her pleasure - and also hers.
J: Oh god, she's writing this down.

A: Ok, officially lesbian pirates are a bad thing.

C: Like we could have giant insects go around and suck people try until they turn into a husk.
J: I would be terrified of you if you were a supervillain. In fact, I'm not convinced you're not.
C: Thanks :)
J: That's why.

J: That looked so wrong! Winchester's lying on top of him right now and they're not moving and he's like "This is awkward. I have a boner right now."
CC: Do you really?
J: No!!

D: That's what I want to be when I grow up.
J: Gay?
C: Why wait?
D: the rainbow is that way!! No, I mean thrown to the floor really quickly. But mostly not by guys.

J: The connection was a bit tortured, I admit. Well, maybe a little waterboarded.

‘Come to an S&M introductory meeting...’

O: ...And give you tiny little doll books. That reminds me of spores!
CW: Your books remind you of spores?
O: No, voodoo dolls! Spore man called them his little babies and he gave them warm baths and they had sex all day...they had a better life than he did.

C: Every time I see my shadow and I feel happy because I have a hat.
H: Yeah, me too.
O: That makes me so happy! That’s such a sweet, pure thought!

O:...And then I noticed her msn name had very dirty things in it so I asked her about it and she said ‘are you doing anything tonight?’ & I said ‘nothing much’ and she said ‘Come to an S&M introductory meeting...’

H: You know what I want to do? One of my great ambitions in life, other than learning to play Thunder Road on the piano, and climbing the Alps from Austria to Switzerland...totally at the same time!!!
O: Carrying a violin.
H: No.
O: Oh, shot down!
H: ... is to flip my hat, can’t do it with this one, so it lands...on my head!

O: But it’s like a librarian shortage.
C: But there would have been. Everyone was supposed to retire but they lost all their savings and now there are all these old people in my jobs.
O: But they’ll die eventually.
C: But I want them to die now....I mean retire.

O: Oh my god, I can’t believe there’s an entire industry devoted to penis enlargement. Doesn’t that disturb you?

O: That always bothered me – that I have to wipe, and boys don’t!

J: So, you know how he marries this prepubescent girl...
CW: Yeah.
J: That’s creepy.
CW: Yeah...can we talk about kittens now?
J: Kittens are so arousing when they are prepubescent...
CW: You are so so mean...

MW: You guys, gay is the new black!
O: What does that even mean?

MW: I dunno; if I had to kiss a girl, I’d rather kiss a girl I don’t know than one of my friends.
J: So between the waiter and O, you’d rather kiss the waiter?
MW: Yeah.
J: That’s fair. I’d rather kiss the waiter.
O: I’d rather kiss the waiter too.

O: Oh yeah, but it’s a really nice porn store. I mean, I’d take my parents there if it weren’t for the wall of dildos...but they had these flaccid penises and I couldn’t figure out what they were for, so I was...well, you know how you start squishing things?

O: Did I tell you my uncle’s idea? He bought a vibrator and had it in his pants & he’d go up to strangers and touch them gently and then turn it on...

CW: That’s how I figured out Dr. Who was an F. All of his enemies are all metal, can’t have touch, cutting out emotion....I’m like, you know, the Cybermen had a point.

O: And it’s perfect. I like to express my affection through homework. And it actually works in this context.

O: You can hire people to beat people up, like big thugs, so you can probably hire them to search for your bear hat.

O: I was actually thinking about this the other day. I would be a really good mafia leader. It would be the perfect job for me.

O: And talking about your feelings, it just seems so...not something you get marks for on a lab.

O: Dissecting is more fun in the company of others.

MW: If I were a man, would I go for O****?
J: I’m asking you.
O: What kind of man would you be?
MW: I dunno. A very manly man.
CC: You’d be very proud of barbecuing.

O: Oh, it comes with a spoon. That makes it much easier.
MW: You’ve been trying to eat your soup with a fork?
O: yes....

O: Tomayto, tomahto.
CW: Oh yeah, snorting cocaine and flowers; it’s basically the same thing.
O: Actually, isn’t it?

U: So she switched to mouthwash.
MP: Because she got an orgasm every time she brushed her teeth.
CW: Lucky bitch.

CW: She taught me everything I know about the Backstreet Boys.
T: How much is that?
CW: Not much. I don’t listen very hard.

TV: How’s E-R doing?
CW: She’s good. Apparently she’s about to start sticking needles in people. They were using models and things.
T: ...What is she doing?
CW: Nursing.

CW: I cannot picture you submissive. The only way I could see you letting someone get away with anything is if you were secretly plotting their demise and they were playing into your plan.
O: My mental image of you has a whip.

O: I’ve just realised something. You whip people, and you kick people in the shins. I’ve characterised your violence.
T: With their permission.
O: Not in this case.
T: Safe, sane, and consensual. I believe in safe, sane, and consensual in all cases.
CW: I believe in kicking people in the shins.

CW: So you were tied up in a BDSM convention?
O: Yes.
CW: And then what?
O And then I got down and went along in my merry way...And then I saw my aunt. And then I said hello. And then we never spoke again, except once at a family gathering. That was when she told me she was renovating her bathroom to look like a dungeon. And I said that was nice. And I ate smoked salmon...

T: But then they’d hate me and resent me and I don’t need that!
CW: No they wouldn’t. You’d give them Stockholm Syndrome.
T: They’ve already accused me of doing that to the manager of power sales at work!

CC: Don’t you want to just pinch his cheeks?
CW: I don’t think he’d like that.
CC: Depends which cheeks.

T: I’ve realised that I am a linguistics bore. When I was watching Avatar, I noticed it has a case system.
CW: You scare me.
O: I’ve read books about people like you.

O: How do you know you don’t have a leather fetish if you’ve never tried it in that setting?
T: Because I know what fetish I have, and it’s not that!

O: My cousin is an INFP and so cute. They’re like little kitten people.
CW: They’re adorable. They make me want to poke them and watch them squeal.
O: You are evil. You make me feel pure.
H: Yeah, she’s good for that.

C: The thing I hate about those vampires is that it’s a romance. They’re dead. They have no blood circulation. They cannot have a physical relationship without nitric oxide. I like Dracula because he kills people.
H: The thing my friend brought up – what happens when Bella has her period?

T: Just don’t tell the undertaker you have a tattoo.
C: I don’t think she’ll be telling the undertaker anything.
T: If you’re talking to the undertaker, there’s a problem....I have an idea for a paranormal romance. A female undertaker...

T: If you have a tattoo anywhere near your stomach, then it will get permanently distorted if you ever get pregnant.
O: I’d rather have a tattoo than a baby.

O: What do you think I should get a tattoo of?
H: A Tardis.
T: A tortoise?
H: A Tardis.
O: I’m bigger on the inside than on the outside!
T: The only way you get inside me is if you’re as sexy as the Doctor!
O: They’d be like, do you have a fetish? And I’d be like, yeah, and that’s the only way you’re getting laid. I’m a broken Tardis!
H: Did you bring your sonic screwdriver?
O: I’d be a broken Tardis and the Doctor would have to fix me before the Daleks came. And they’d scream HARDER! HARDER!

T: And deleting this profile fixes things how?
C: It doesn’t. She’s an F.
O: Fuck you....

T: Well, I took up guitar when I was unhealthily obsessed with someone. I was unhealthily obsessed with guitar for a while but...

C: I find a lot of literary ENTPs make me want to punch them.
T: So what stops you from punching me? Other than that I’ll punch back.
C: I was just going to say that...

C: I’m more like Steerpike; let’s be honest.
O: We could totally work out together. If she wasn’t a murdering psychopath....no, it’s comforting. I was all like ‘why doesn’t he appreciate Fuschia?’ and she said ‘Because he’s a murdering psychopath’ and I felt much better.

C: Aw, fuzzy Hallmark moment.
O: You don’t get fuzzies. Say something believable.

It's like Cirque du Soleil, but naked

MW: You meeting up with a girl in the bathroom?
C: Who says it's a girl? Or even human?
H: A squirrel!
U: Who says there's just one?

U: And I was like 'I know this person who's beautiful both inside and out...
O: "I know someone who'll take off her clothes for you...."
AB: You'll do what now?
O: She's my pimp.

MW: Tip what, your prostitutes?
AB: Yes, I tip my prostitutes.
O: Do you actually tip prostitutes, though?

AB: It's like buying a new car. You can go to a club and find a nice used Buick on the dance floor...
C: I missed some of that. Does anyone remember it verbatim?
O: He said it's better to get a used car every week than a Buick.
AB: I did not! I said used cars were the prostitutes...

O: You are like...a plague upon you.
AB: I am like a plague upon you? Ok. I'm a plague upon you; you just can't get me off. That sounds wrong.

AB: That was dirty. That was really dirty.
C: What'd I miss?
AB: O** explaining that she can't focus on a man and cheese at the same time because her mouth is full.

O: I named my goldfish after I.F. Because he just sat there and did nothing.

AB: he's big, he's tall, he's French. He's like sex on a popsicle.
O: Not a popsicle stick?
C: Eww...splinters.

AB: Do you want me dead?
O: Not particularly. Maybe a little maimed.
AB: Maimed? Wow. Tough crowd.
O: In a nice way.

O *knocks over glass* They put these glasses here on purpose!
C: Yes. So you can drink from them.
O: They are barriers to my range of movement!

O: Like, Chanel says you should remove one piece of jewelery before you leave the room, so I should remove one sentence when I talk.
C: What if you're only wearing one piece of jewelery?
O: Yeah, I never got that. What if you're wearing a one-piece suit? Then you're pretty much screwed.
C: Or popular.
O: Or both.
C: Yeah....

AB: Care to elaborate on that, M*?
MW: I don't know. I don't know what's real anymore.

O: Seriously. If I were flexible, I would...
C: Lick your feet?
O: Maybe...
H: I've bitten my toes before. Just to say that I could.

O: I just like the expression on AB's face, though. He looks like a female anime character. Why?? That was a serious observation.

O: Feelings grow back. They're like hair.

O: Did I ever send you that song, like, 'all I want is your semen to get pregnant'?
CC: Nooooo...

O: See, that's a good quality to have in a boyfriend.
C: He gives you math homework?
O: And they're good math problems, too.

O: If ever I were to commit suicide, she would be my...
CC: What? Oh yeah, good point. CW...

O: I think it would be really funny if a misisonary were to come to your door and you pretended to be a missionary for another religion.
CC: My brother scared off Jehovah's Witnesses once because he opened the door without his shirt on and they got offended.

O: I was studying for my math test and I had a dream I was sailing on the Cartesian plane...I was a pirate. And this was actually a line from my dream: 'integrate past brave new worlds and derive new functions!'

U: We're almost like family. We just saw each other yesterday and we already miss each other.
O: And we'll see each other on Friday.
AB: We may as well date each other.

AB: ...and what am I?
CW: You can be our boy toy.
AB: You're all mistresses and I'm the boy toy. Ok. It sounds like less responsibility. I'll take it.
C: I figured it would suit you. Captain Kittens, the boy toy.
AB: I should change my Facebook name to that.
O: Please do.

O: It cleans your sinuses.
H: I don't know where that came form.
O: No, the hot peppers.
AB: Yeah, my sinuses are now in the napkin, thanks.

O: Farting in the Dead Sea is a bad idea.
AB: Ok.
O: You know what happens when you fart?...o, the air goes out and then it goes in a little again and it burns. It burns.
H: I'm glad I know that.
O: No, she was talking about UltraBalm. The massage...
C: Yes, I see the connection.

O: I want to go to a strip club. I'm told it's like Cirque du Soleil, but naked.
AB: They're not that good, I'm sorry.

O: So everyone wear green and white.
AB: Do I need to take off my shirt so it'll be clean on Friday?
O: Do I need to take off my shirt so it'll be clean?
AB: What, why are you taking your clothes off?
O: Why are you taking yours off?
C: Let's just all get naked!!
AB: The guy at the table behind us is distracted. 'Screw this girl I'm on a date with!'

AB: Did you just tell C* that her jeans would look really good on your floor?
O: Noooooo
C: What did you actually say?
O: I said that, but I was trying to make a pun.

AB: But O*'s like my sister. I could never date a Hooter's girl.

O: Apparently everyone's checking C** out. I think it was your 'let's get naked!' comment.

U: Why don't you put a little basil here? In your hair.
AB: Because it's been in AB's nose.

O: Woah.
AB: What does that have to do with kittens? Kitten - woah! Kitten woah! Cats and ostriches: perfect companions. Everytime I hear that I'm going to think of a kitten riding an ostrich. Why are you glaring at me? Don't you want to see a kitten ride an ostrich?
O: Yes. I do.

AB: A guy on sentry duty we caught sleeping with a coyote. We just left that one. Took a picture though. When he woke up he freaked out. 'There's coyotes out there!'

AB: I don't usually poison people when I want to kill someone. I'm usually more direct. You, me, outside.
H: Don't do the eyebrows; don't!
AB: I wasn't going to do the eyebrows. Geeeez. Anytime I get into a fight I just need to do the eyebrows and they'll back right off.

O: 'Dust, you filthy cretin?'
C: Yes, I write abusive to-do lists.

AB: I just said 'I love you' to MP. Great. Again.
MW: At least it isn't squirrels.

U: H**, this guacamole is delicious. Did you make it?
H: With a potato masher!!!!

U: You should be dancing on an island in a hula skirt.
AB: Why does every woman want to get me in a skirt?

AB: Are you sure?
H: Yeah, I'm ok.
AB: I wasn't talking about the licking.

AB: She had me up against the wall....that's not helping...our legs were flailing...
C: Your legs were flailing. Mine were stable.
AB: Ok...your legs braced against the other wall...

H: I don't like squirrels.
AB: That was very dark. 'I don't like squirrels.' What did they every do you you?
H: It's not what they did to me. It's what they did to C**.

AB: I've never had anyone do that to my ear before.
CC: Is that good or bad?
AB: I don't know.
C: What is she doing?
AB: I don't know...she's like rubbing her thumb around my ear.
C: Why?
CC: It tickles my thumb.

O: Ok, so I say 'I want to have sex with you' and you say...
C: As long as we're dreaming, I'd like a pony.
O: Oh my god. Please say that to a guy someday.
C: I have. I've also said 'What's in it for me?' Again rather mean...
O: Oh my god!!!! O** said that to me and I spent the next two hours explaining why...and it worked! I didn't realise it was a put-down!!!
C: You are amazing....

O: Oh look, I wrote 'Romance' on my stomach. It's a subliminal message, hidden by butterflies...it even works! ... I love how you don't even point out the flaws in my argument, you just take out the book. It speaks for itself.

O: What kind of plant would C be?
H: Venus flytrap.
O: Pitcher plant.
C: Yes!
O: Are there carniverous ferns?
H: Yeah, I was thinking of something leafy as well.

O: See, it's nice when they're nerdy - it just comes pouring out like vomit!

O: H*! Help!
H: She's vicious; I'm not going to help. She'll just hit me back...there. I glared.
O: Damn you and your efficiency!

O: I have to look like a Frenchman. How do French men look? Like mimes.
C: French men look like mimes?
O: Like Dali!
C: Dali wasn't French.
O: But if he dressed up like a mime he would look French..he has the moustache.

What do your boobs say, anyway?

O: You are the tickle monster. It's like my Sesame Street nightmares.
C: You had nightmares from Sesame Street?
O: Yes.
C: Why?
O: Big Bird!
C: What's scary about Bid Bird?
O: Wait, was Big Bird a boy or a girl? Wasn't he like a transvestite? It's a serious question!
C: "Is Big Bird a transvestite?" is a serious question.

O: There's like this fanfic about Barney, except it was really odd..
C: There was a fanfic about Barney??
O: Except it was like a psycho killer and he went around killing people....they impregnated a bunch of kids, like just beginning puberty...

A2: I think you would be a good dog owner. It's a shame to waste your talent on cats.
C: We had a dog once. It was nice, though - I didn't have to pick up poop. Maybe someday.
A1: You wipe your own ass. It's not any worse than that.

O: Pikachu's hot....no, no the woman who does Pikachu's voice is a highly attractive woman.

AB: I'm supposed to grab MW's hair. I think CC's supposed to grab mine.
CC; What?
AB: Did you look down? I'm tightening my belt.

CC: I am ticklish; you just can't do it here.
AB: Thank you C***. That was very forward.

AB: Pants off by the third date, or she's not that into you.
CC: What if they're like me and don't wear pants?
AB: Then you're doing good.

AB: Man, I want a niece or nephew to spoil rotten. I wish my brother would fool around more.

O: Why would you do that? It's so far away now. It's like the Bermuda Triangle.

O: A lot of people think I'm a slob. I'm like, whatever. You're not a textbook or a cup of coffee. What I'm really saying is 'I don't know how to talk to you if you're none of these things.'

AB: Why are you playing with my chest?
CC: Because I don't know where your nipple is. Where the hell are nipples on guys? Oh. There.
AB: Where the hell else would they be?

U: I'd like another slice of watermelon.
MW: You have to make out with me first.
CC: Oooh, can I join?
U: That's a tough call, 'cause I really love watermelon.

O: I'm not able to kill myself successfully in dreams because of C***!

O: I love my professor like I would love a puppy dog. An intelligent one that lectures to me in a puppy dog sort of way.
H: I see. Does he have floppy ears?

PW: How does she deliver without muscle contractions?
C: How do vampires get erections without bloodflow? There are so many questions...
MP: Where's your notebook?
C: O*** says it's nitrous oxide...

PW: There's an antidepressant that gives 20% of its users an orgasm.
MP: Really?
PW: And the other users get nothing.
J: So it's either an orgasm or it's nothing. Damn, sounds like a man.

U: I was so distracted in class. We were talking about circumference and he was like 'look at this Dasani bottle. Look at the curves. It is like the curves of a woman....'

H: Thank you for getting the Soup Song stuck in my head.
C: It was his fault....he said coriander.

E: She's a model. I saw the pictures and I was so turned on. If I were a lesbian woman I would so go after O****.

R: It's like the pilsbury doughboy, but Japanese.
C * poke*
O: Nyah!

AB: That wouldn't be the only party when I ended up wrestling people.
E: Yeah, you're always touching people....you're the touchy-feely
H: I think this conversation is going bad.
AB: I like goats?
SG: There's a goat tied up across the street for afterwards..
E: The whole goats thing is, I dunnno.
AB: Yeah, the horns...

AB: It makes you urinate your bones.
E: Well, that's a way of saying it.
AB: 'Mom, I've just passed a femur.'

AB: Last time I got in the book it was for being gay....you better be careful Uyen, the next time you bring an impressionable young man.

AB: Oh, O*** and the other guys , they're all like 'yeah, those are nice boobs. Oh yeah.' I've even had my nipples pinched. There's a picture of me in front of Sugar Mountain and he's like (sound effects).

SG: But the bigger the boobs, the bigger the sag.
O: What do your boobs say, anyway?

E: That was the first time I learnt that guys have hair down there too. And I said it out loud in class...
MW: Well, the statues don't.

E: Well, no one here is gay.
*AB raises hand*
AB: Don't worry.
MW: He'll take it slow.
AB: And then I'll speed it right up.
SG: That's creepy.
E: Don't do the eyebrows.

E: We are the only animals that do stuff like that. You don't see a lion eating some meat and then you see it squirt blood out of its eyeball.
R: That would be awesome.

C: Couldn't you look at pictures? Then they're less moronic.
AB: Then you don't have to hear them talk.
E: I like my people in action.

E: But all the Hooter's girls are like busty, blonde...
O: That's just in America.
E: So Canada has multicultural Hooter's?

E: Why would they do a Playboy version of Hamlet?
AB: It was better than a lot of the others.

H: Did you notice O***?
C: Yes.
H: I just love the dichotomy of your conversation and O*** singing 'I'm a little teapot' behind.
R: And this talk of vampire penises....

AB: It's like 'can you dance? are you anorexic?'
C: Wash a car for us.
AB: Wash the producer's car.
MP: Wash the car and eat a hot dog.

MP: Family Guy has done a lot to destroy my childhood memories.

(on McCain and Obama)
AB: So why didn't they sleep?
MP: The election campaign.
MW: Oooh, getting juicy.

MP: He has really long fingers and likes touching rust.
E: Who?
MP: Salad Fingers. He travels the world in search of the perfect spoon.
AB: What?

AB: Don't take me seriously.
C: No one ever does; don't worry.
AB: I can get away with what I want, though. I could tell every woman in a room they're the most beautiful.
E: And no one in the world would believe you.

AB: And what weight are you losing?
SG: You lose any more weight and you'll disappear.
E: No, I got some squashy jiggly bits.

AB: But you know what was funny? Before you guys started dating it was British, but then it went down South.

AB: I got half a buttcheek and two women's weight on me. I hope this is a short movie.

AB: I'm just covered in women's legs.
O: Were you molested?
AB: I'm a lesser man than I used to be.

O: Captain Kittens is almost normal.
C: No he isn't.
H: That's an awesome name.
O: The best part is that he likes it.

H: You are so red. Why don't you go balance a ball on your nose.
C: That wasn't a real suggestion.

I could have slit my wrists. Instead I laughed.

P1: I have a picture of a British soldier being shot in the face and a picture of an Acadian teenager being shot in the face. I also have a picture of the giant lobster.

A1: What's with all the skirts, W***?
C: It's so hot out.
A1: But we've discussed how your medication makes you act like you're pregnant, right?

A1: I'm just one of those people whose husband keeps a sharp eye on her cash. So I need to fund my addictions in subversive ways.

A1: We're discussing the woman who asked if I was pregnant.
D1: You never ask a woman that. Unless she's like... *gestures*
A1: With some women, it's either a baby or a tumour. Sorry W***.
D1: No offense, C****.

A1: ...so it's like sucking your own soul.
S7: I don't have a soul left to suck. I ate it.
A1: "What's for lunch? My soul."

Q: But that's like hurting people's eyes.
A1: I hate her eyes, don't you?
Q: I don't look at them....

M1: There's different parts to the diagram, so having a bunch of sections to fill it out is fine.
A1: It's like curlers. For your hair. I need more caffeine.
M1: Are you sure it's more? Not less?
A1: More. Always more.

A7: I wonder how much it would have cost to stuff my hamster.

A1: Did you want a hamster here?
S7: I'd like one, but, thing is, when they die, they're really hard to get rid of....I didn't tell you I shipped my hamster back home? I thought I told everyone about that. It was going to cost me $60 to cremate him so I shipped him back to Kansas.

A1: Sometimes I imagine there's a special fairy. And she comes and puts her hand over my mouth...I tell my husband about it and he says maybe the Tact Fairy is in the bar getting liquored up.

A1: I hear the CIA likes triangles or squares. Circles don't work - they party too much.

C: ...but that means I'm obsessed with sex and partying. That doesn't work.
A1: You just haven't hit your stride yet. We'll talk when you're thirty and you'll be a total nympho.

S1: Is that a rape whistle around your neck?
A1: It's a USB key...boring.
C: It's library school.
A1: Librarians get raped too.

A1: I get to write about my leadership abilities. Because I'm such a leader. I'm a leader of distraction. 'C***, let's not work; lets go get lattes.'
C: I'd follow you anywhere.
A1: Anywhere there's caffeine.
S71: "My friends are like lemmings. They'd follow me off a cliff."
A1: And they love it when you call them that.
S7: I'd like it if you called me a lemming.
A1: S***, you're a lemming.
S7: You're going to tell me to jump off a cliff?
A1: You dirty little lemming....we're not going to eat our babies today; we're going to jump off a cliff!

S7: Come on, I've shared my Kansas expressions you must have some good ones from West Virginia.
A1: Sure: 'Daddy don't touch me like that.'
S7: I think my Kansas ones are better.

A1: I'm a great slug...
S1: It's like we've all just breathed in gasoline or something. I don't think we'll be able to get through class without saying something inappropriate.

A1: See, what you do is lean over and then go 'I'm a giant slug. rawr.'
S1: So you turn into a dinosaur at the end?
A1: Yeah...

C: But they die sooner.
A1: And then you have a giant party. My mother and I have it all planned out. We're going to garden. And compost.
S1: And you're going to go 'I'm a giant slug!'

(on peeing on cars)
S1: Unless the car alarm went off and they came out and found you with your pants around your ankles.
A1: I was pretty cute then; it's not a problem.
S1: Aw, you're still really cute. But I don't want to see it.
A1: Some guys are into that.

S1: I don't mind her writing stuff down unless it's like, fecal fetishes...actually, no, I don't mind.

S1: Cause if you want a tight ass and legs, you can do this.
C: Or not?
S1: That's because you already have a tight ass.
C: I didn't know you noticed...

S1: Ok, there's probably one online, but, like a real one....like the Pirates of the Caribbean one....yeah, like the highest-budget porn movie of all time. Look it up - you can see the trailers on youtube, W***'s seen it and I asked about the plot in class last week. Apparently there's lots of plundering and 'Arrr.'

S7: Do you think they changed their names too? Like, Johnny Depp was 'Johnny Deeper'?
S1: That's so good. I might wet my pants. I was going to say something worse but I'm going to stop talking now. Replace wet with jizz.

P1: This is the kind of thing you were talking about? I'm so sorry I missed that.
M1: Say it like you mean it.
P1: I don't think I can.

P1: This is the happiest I've seen C*** without having someone say the word 'kitten.'
C: I'm on drugs.
P1: I can tell.
S1: She's got a rape whistle.
C: It's a USB key.
P1: Same thing. It tells any guy she's a geek. Same effect. It's like, who needs a rape whistle when you've got a Chewbacca t-shirt?

S1: Actually, no, never mind. She has a whistle for a reason.

S1: How will we have dirty humour without you?
P1: You guys had dirty humour before class without me. That's not all I'm good for, you know.
A1: That's all we like you for.
P1: Thanks.
S1: You made us laugh in library school - that's essential.
P1: So what you're saying is: I saved your lives?
S1: I could have slit my wrists. Instead I laughed.

A1: Ever since I started acting like an idiot instead of saying anything stupid, you haven't been writing things down. It's kind of cool. Because how can you write "A*** acted like a giant slug and fell onto a chair and bumped her ass'?

J1: What are we going to do without our ugly blue sofas?
A1: Sleep on breatheable fabrics. Be careful with our bodily fluids....these are kind of ideal for undergrads, though, because they have sex on anything.

A1: C**, I love you, and you're smart, but if you call me dumb, my therapist is going to say I have to stop seeing you.

_____________________

A1: For like a school project, how would you catalogue "mrow chikka mrow mrow?" Is it like...like, what kind of metadata would that have? Like, human sounds of cats making sounds of humans...

A2: He's messed up. That's why he married me.
D1: So why did you marry him?
A2: I don't know yet.
P1: The secret Acadian stash of gold.

S2: I just can't get past these weird rectangles that zoom on faces. I just don't know about them.
P1: It's not a technology thing. It's a New Brunswick thing. It's a mental problem.

C: Hey, I shoot myself in the foot too.
A1: C***, no one has your inappropriate rape jokes on the internet.. Just stop that thought right there.

O1: I'll bring porno kitty out of the bag. I'll perch on the chair beside her. Mrow. Mroooooow. Mrow.

O: My dancing is one of the most uncomfortable things I could do in public.
C: I imagine urinating would be up there.
O. No. I'm ok with that....dancing is like one, talking to people two. Urinating is like ten or eleven.
A1: You don't want to dance?
O: I'd rather urinate in the corner.

A1: It's like all of my choreography is of the Natural Geographic sort.
O: All natural.
A1: Do you want to see my monkey dance?

K4: Didn't you learn that sex is evil?
P1: We had catechism and never learnt that. We just coloured pictures of Jesus.

A2: Does anyone know where it's at? Mathew 2:21; that's where it's at. Poink.
P1: Who are you?

K4: I'm sorry. We're trying to talk about very important things here.
D1: What very important topics?
K4: Penis shadow puppets....and the best line from the review: "Your penis won't be a useless lump of flesh anymore. You can make shadow puppets with it."

______________

P1: Am I in your database?
C: No.
P1: I'm in J & V's Quebec Gay Archives databases.

P1: He looks like a guy in high school who would beat up other people.
K4: Is it wrong to find that hot?

P1: In New Brunswick, I don't need friends. I have, like, four.

P1: Then you have the caveman, Dmitri.
Q: Oh, I like Dmitri.
P1: Yes, but he has a sloping forehead. And then there's the football douche guys.

P1: Statistically speaking, there must be.
Q: K**? Are you a carpet muncher?
K4: What?
P1: Est-ce que tu mange le tapis?

K4: So long as I'm not a gay person having an abortion wearing a condom, it's ok.
Q: Gay people don't generally have abortions.

C: April's the last snowstorm.
S7: That's just fucked up.
M1: It's not high volume, though. Winds...
Q: It's like Narnia. Always winter and never Christmas.

C: There's bug sex everywhere.
Q: In April.
C: They had sex in my nostrils. When I was walking over here. I feel so used.
S8: At least someone's getting some action around here.
S7: It's true.
W: It is.

S8: This is the last time I'm going to spend in my entire life drinking and talking with people about Shakespeare. I just want to absorb this.
Q: We were talking about Birmingham booty calls earlier...

S8: If I saw someone who looked like him on the street, I would be like "Ok, I have fifteen seconds to bear your children."

Q: ....lubrication.
S8: I wasn't going to say it, but yeah.
C: There are clean forms of lubrication.
S8: And there's dirty slimy sexy forms of lubrication.
C: Hygiene.

J1: Sorry. C*** and I have our own private conversations sometimes.
P1: C*** has her own private conversations sometimes.
J1: Am I funny enough to make it in yet?

A2: I mean once you get divorced you married P****.
P1: I don't know what that means.
K4: It means your pool of candidates has narrowed....

P1: You've been dating two years now. Have you even held hands yet?
K4: No.
W: I kissed her last week, though.
P1: I haven't heard this story....this is what happens in a program with too few guys.

C: I can just imagine going to a helium bar for a date.
S8: That would be an awesome first date.
P1: That guy better not try any moves, because it's going to sound a lot stupider. Like Alvin and the Chipmunks,
S8: How are you? The better now you got here.'
C: I still want a hula hoop....

A1: Oh, you can say something bad about anyone.
P1: I can't say anything bad about you (J3). C***, yes. She's like really nice 90% of the time and really, really horrible the rest.

J3: You could start making up horrible things about people.
P1: In that case, you have sex with dead animals.
J3: No.
P1: I think so.
C: Squirrels.
J3: I don't even want to think about how that would work.
C: They tickle.
J3: How do you know?

C: I have antipsychotic pills that made me lose weight. If you want.
A1: But will they stop the psychosis? Because I hear voices telling me I'm pregnant.

A1: So here's how you fake enthusiasm: Act like you're on crack...
C: I've never been on crack.
A1: Me neither. You act like you're on crack and repeat keywords. Like 'yeah, archives, yeah...'

M1: He brings it to school? (Audrey)
K4: Didn't he put it under his sweater and try to birth it at some point?
A2: I don't know.
K4: You weren't there.
A2: I wouldn't put it past him.
K4: At least you didn't have to hold his hand and help him push.
A2: I'd have to slap him.

P1: Who stinks? K?
K4: You know, I think that the bear is a way for you to project your feelings.
P1: She told me she was trying to spell 'Y' to say 'you're a bitch.' Ow! My nipples! They're sensitive....I'm lactating...