K1 Think about cats.
C: Why would I be talking about funding allocation to cats?
K1: Cat accountants.
J1: The thing about PhD candidates is that they've been researching something for 3 years, then somebody finally wants to hear about it...the words "captive audience" take on a whole new meaning...
S7: The worst one was that one, what was it, "The red carnation." It's like, 'what the hell is this, a blind date?!' Some management asshole was like, 'oooh, case studies; creative writing: my only chance!
J1: I was reading on CBC about these people who enter contests like monkeys...this one lady won, like, $40 000 in a year. Because they enter like everything they can find. It's like a job. It's ruined people's marriages...
-That was in undergrad; they used to talk about suicide as the one fundamental expression of individuality..
J5: They just didn't want to mark your term papers.
J3: It's an important point to make!
K2: It is! You don't just make wild accusations when it comes to poisonous gas.
R3: Friday night we hit every major bar in Kingston.
K2: Slash gas station.
R3: It took about four hours...
C: She says 'quick & dirty' all the time and it's just not right!
J3: Yeah, that's not a phrase you'd want a professor to say.
J5: MN would say that too.
C: Oh god...
J5: He'd put on the projector because he doesn't use Powerpoint and he'd turn down the lights, and he'd say 'imagine some tinkling music and a waiter coming around with martinis'...and then he'd put up an index from 1960.
S5: What class is this?
K1: Hell. Introduction to hell.
M1: I don't know if mine makes sense, but...
K1: Well, mine makes grammatical sense...
K1; Mine is called 'What is a Portal and What is it Good for?'
S5: That's a good title.
S1: My case study was called 'Dealing with Duff.'
S5: You really have to find your amusement where you can.
K1: I was really trying to think of things involving portals. Like 'it's importalant...'
S1: I keep waiting for someone to start screaming in class, like, crazy person things, and rip all their clothes off and run out...
B4: I already make punching motions at things.
S1: I'm going to have stories to tell at home. And no one's going to believe me.
K1: He is certainly a caricature of himself.
S1: I actually drew a cartoon of him once.
K1: I can't sit there today. I will be the person tearing off my clothes screaming.
S1: Well, that's worth going to class for. I want to see people throwing faeces, and making monkey noises.
S1: I used to read shitloads! I was an English major! And now I laugh at stupid jokes! I'm like Cro-Magnon man!
S2: Yeah, library school deadens the mind...
S1: I feel like I could relate to Homer Simpson!
S1: Why does that sound so dirty to me?
C: I don't know, but I don't want to know what you do with onions.
S1: No, not that one, the berry-picking one.
C: I would call that indecision.
S1: I would call that 'skinning the cat.'
C: .. Can it be a different animal?
Bartlett: At the time there were all these gathering in the forest metaphors for information retrieval. There was foraging, I still don't know what that one was, berry-picking...
C: ...clear-cutting, tree-hugging...
S1: ...becoming one with nature...
Bartlett: and you'd get blueberries from one bush and cherries from another...
S1: ..popping cherries...I'm going to call this the popping cherries method.
G: Nobody fails library school.
S1: I hope so. I would hate to be the person who failed library school.
C: You'd be my hero.
S1: I wasn't allowed to watch t.v. more than an hour each day,
C: A whole hour?! Every day?!
G: You know what they say, if life gives you lemons, it treats your scurvy.
S1: She says it's calcification.
C: That's disgusting.
S1: I know. My hand has a nipple.
P1: "I am often late." Does it count if I don't show up at all?
A1: Do you ever look at people when they're smiling and think 'Now I understand what the phrase 'shit-eating grin' comes from?'...no, C, I'm trying to talk to you!
C: ...no, I don't. I don't know what that phrase means.
A1: Oh, I do. You know when your dog comes in after he's been snacking in the kitty litter box and he's just so happy...
C: ...and I think I only went to one after reading week and I missed two the week after...
P1: You're a badass now. All the bad boys will be hitting on you now. They'll be like, "Hey, C, want a cigarette?' And you'll be like, 'Heey..."
C: I never really understood the appeal of inhaling carcinogens.
P1: Me neither. It's like, NASCAR. George Carlin's definition of NASCAR: 'fast cars, slow brains.'
P1: Oh my god, Stephen Hawking is trapped in our laptop!
S5: You guys are actually looking up dead kittens?
P1: No, we already looked up dead kittens. Now we're looking up 'two girls one cup.'
P1: How many of those words just turned you on?
*C holds up 4 fingers*
P1: She said 'semiotics' earlier. You didn't budge.
C: I felt a rush.
P1: You know what's great about geeks like you?
C: Everything.
P1: Besides that..You're introverted, so you don't need to raise your hand forty times a class. You might have an opinion on everything, but you don't need to foist it on everyone.
V: My sister's cat has giant balls, and even though they fixed him, they're still there, but they're deflated, it's like they just emptied them. Is that what they do? I thought they cut them off.
J1: I don't think they castrate them...
S5: I'm really excited about showering. That's my definition of success, right now: I had time to shower. I brushed my teeth.
V: I can't believe I used the word 'trip' to describe...
P1: Yeah, like 'You came out of me. Your head is too big for your body. Stop drooling.'
E: Yeah, all the rice in the world is fertilized with...human shit. We have the best poo. It kind of makes me proud.
P1: Check this out. A man did $40 000 in damage while running around naked.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
March 8, 2008: I'm glad somebody remembers the stupid things I say
S2: I'm glad somebody remembers the stupid things I say. Oh, wait, I'm not glad. I'm the opposite of glad!....I don't remember saying that either. Was that at T House too?
Q: I think she's hilarious. Not intentionally...
D3: has she worn her leather pant suit yet?
Q: No. She's worn her high-heeled boots...I keep expecting her to break into the Titanic song...Have you ever been to see her in her office? It's like she's holding court.
Q: Well, who would want to get a PhD in cataloguing?
D3: I actually have a friend who wants to get a PhD in cataloguing.
S2: I would love to meet someone who wants to get a PhD in cataloguing. Just once. Just once.
Q: That's one good thing about library science: if you get a PhD in it, you'll get a job, because there's no one to teach it.
J6: I don't think you should get stabbed for having an opinion. Except if you're C.
C: That's mean.
J6: If you had a heart, you'd cry real tears.
S1: I am deathly allergic to cats, though.
C: How do you live? How do you find meaning in your life?
S1: ...I have sex...
P1: I don't know why I say inappropriate things all the time. I say them, and then I realize I've said them, and so I point out I've said them...
C: A form of Tourette's, perhaps?
P1: Sweet! I wish there was a new form and they called it G's disease...
S2: I have a tendency to say that I'm noun-er than Jesus. Like, I'm colder than Jesus or drunker than Jesus. It's just a standard turn of phrase.
P1: 'I'm sexually-transmitted-disease-ridden-er than Jesus'?
Q: I think she's hilarious. Not intentionally...
D3: has she worn her leather pant suit yet?
Q: No. She's worn her high-heeled boots...I keep expecting her to break into the Titanic song...Have you ever been to see her in her office? It's like she's holding court.
Q: Well, who would want to get a PhD in cataloguing?
D3: I actually have a friend who wants to get a PhD in cataloguing.
S2: I would love to meet someone who wants to get a PhD in cataloguing. Just once. Just once.
Q: That's one good thing about library science: if you get a PhD in it, you'll get a job, because there's no one to teach it.
J6: I don't think you should get stabbed for having an opinion. Except if you're C.
C: That's mean.
J6: If you had a heart, you'd cry real tears.
S1: I am deathly allergic to cats, though.
C: How do you live? How do you find meaning in your life?
S1: ...I have sex...
P1: I don't know why I say inappropriate things all the time. I say them, and then I realize I've said them, and so I point out I've said them...
C: A form of Tourette's, perhaps?
P1: Sweet! I wish there was a new form and they called it G's disease...
S2: I have a tendency to say that I'm noun-er than Jesus. Like, I'm colder than Jesus or drunker than Jesus. It's just a standard turn of phrase.
P1: 'I'm sexually-transmitted-disease-ridden-er than Jesus'?
S2: Strangely, that's never come up.
M1: yeah, I'm with you there. I have a friend who's doing her Master's in Psychology, so like social research, so I was sending her all these questions...Of course, she's dealing with ducks, not people...well, she was dealing with mating habits...
S8: Duckfuck?...That's scary. I'm never going to see a shrink. It's like "I just want to clarify: your research was with people, right?"...
K1: I'm analyzing P***.
P: Because I'm a tool? You're a bitch.
K1: Your words are like hugs.
P1: It's gone beyond, like 'what's your stripper name?' shit. I'm like don't you people know me?
K1: 'Do you want to add a fairy garden with elves to your profile?'
P: It's like, 'What Disney princess are you?' I'm like, 'the one that's going to kill you!'
K1: 'You can do anything, like Barbie.' Don't you remember the commercials?
C: No. We had a mute button.
P1: The hierarchy goes like this: God-Superman-Librarians-Do
K1: My cat's at the top...
P1: Do you ever sit on the metro and look at the signs and wonder what letters you can take out to spell dirty words?...if you take an 'l' out of 'Peel' it says 'pee.' And 'Atwater' can spell 'twat.'
(WorldofWarcraft)
K1; I've only ever heard the words.
P1: I've never played it.
L: I think it means you're obese if you play it.
K1: My friends used to call me 'Porky McGrits.'
P1: Why?
K1: We had a band called 'Pork & the Grits'(?) We also had a band called 'White Bread and the Oreo Cookie Centre.' (?)
P1: My face hurts..
C: There is nothing in the world that can make the allocation of funds between departments interesting.
P1: Yeah. I wouldn't think so. Unless it were conveyed in porn form. As in, it's interesting they decided to do that....
C: I'm not sure 'interesting' is the right word.
P: It might have a better plot.
C: Plot? They have a plot?
P1: Its funny, 'cause the thing is, in Acadian, 'plot' is slang for vagina...another of those words that sound like they mean something in the other language, but boy do they mean something different.
P1: Everyone thought George Bush said something really stupid, but it's true. I hate his freedoms too. I hate his freedom to bomb the shit out of people...
P1: You're looking down your shirt?
C: It looked sparkly for a second. I don't know.
P1: ...Your boobs don't glow, ok?!
P!: CT totally turned me on to information visualization.
C: I'm glad you continued that sentence.
S1: Yeah, I thought you were going somewhere else entirely.
P: CT gave me a huge boner...for information visualization...
P1: The problem is not the zen garden, the problem is you!
S1: You have poor raking skills.
P1: It's not how you rake, it's the act of raking...You're like, 'the glass is half empty and it's full of cyanide.' Instead, you should be like, 'the glass is half full and full of cyanide, want some water?' There's always a silver lining. Or a lead lining. Then you'd be impotent.
C: I believe the term is sterile.
P1: I believe the term is barren. Like a wasteland.
S1: She made us write stream-of-consciousness essays...
P1: A stream-of-consciousness essay for someone like me would be like "This poem sucks. Vacuum cleaners suck. I want a blow job...Is it really a job? Do people get paid to do this? Some people do. Would I accept money for this?..."
S1: Have you ever read Harriet the Spy?...because you remind me of Harriet the spy. Except more dirty. Harriet the spy did not write things as risque.
P1: Harriet the spy didn't have a friend like me.
P1: What woman would be threatened by a guy's blow-up doll? Might be weirded out, like, 'can't you just jack off like a normal person?'
S1: Might be if it were a sheep.
P1: Or a baby...
Celine: 'you can't just change the culture of an organization...'
C: You can in cults!
Q: That's because they kill themselves.
C: L. Ron. Hubbard. He changed the culture...
Q: Shut up and drink your KoolAid.
P1: Maybe this is why you guys are stressed out and I'm not: because I'm blissfully unaware of my impending academic doom.
R1: I don't think there are any knowledge management fantasies. "I'm going to manage your knowledge..."
S1: The primary problem is my poor beer management skills..
C: The primary problem is that we're talking about management and we're not in Management class!
V: Oh, you're going to go all Carrie on us....she does look a little like Sissy Spacek.
S8: Oh yeah, she does....In the nicest possible way.
V: I wish that cute waiter was working tonight. This slim brown one with lustrous hair...I would mount him in a moment.
V: My dad took me to an Ani DiFranco show when I was fourteen. It was him and a sea of lesbians...
S8: My mum is actually the most foul-mouthed person I've ever met in my life, but the most foul-mouthed in Northern Reflection clothing...
J3: I was afraid to swear around my parents, because I didn't think they knew about swear words. I didn't want them to pick up on it.
V: I always wanted to be the girl in this song!
Q: What?
V: The girl who tears down someone's self-esteem until they have to write a song about it...
V: It just infuriates me. You want it that way? You want it what way?! What does that mean?!?
S8: The drummer doesn't have arms, that makes him automatically amazing!
S2: He has one.
V: My grandmother's favourite thing to say to me was "Jezebel! Harlot!" ... she lived with us for two years after she hurt her hip. It's a good thing she couldn't get upstairs. "Harlot!"
S2: I remember through the haze of alcohol that you were recording things for posterity that probably shouldn't be recorded.
J6: All I remember is that I didn't eat that day and I had a lot of alcohol and I don't think that worked out for me.
S2: *sigh* And the pen keeps going.
C: Always. it's like the Energizer bunny.
(y'all)
S2: ...once I went to school in New Orleans and heard my professors say it...
J3: It's acceptable, if it's scholarly.
P1: Oh god, this title makes me want to cry. Usability beyond the website: an empirically-grounded e-commerce evaluative refinement for the total customer experience.'
P1: Do you know what keeps me sane? The thought...
C: You're sane?
P1: I like to think so. The fact that in six weeks I won't be here anymore.
P1: Once a friend and I were walking down the hallway and there was this map of Paris and we both turned to it and pointed and said "I peed on that street corner." and then we just looked at each other and kept walking...it wasn't the same street corner...
C: It's not a logical way to approach nourishment.
P1: Or sexuality.
M1: yeah, I'm with you there. I have a friend who's doing her Master's in Psychology, so like social research, so I was sending her all these questions...Of course, she's dealing with ducks, not people...well, she was dealing with mating habits...
S8: Duckfuck?...That's scary. I'm never going to see a shrink. It's like "I just want to clarify: your research was with people, right?"...
K1: I'm analyzing P***.
P: Because I'm a tool? You're a bitch.
K1: Your words are like hugs.
P1: It's gone beyond, like 'what's your stripper name?' shit. I'm like don't you people know me?
K1: 'Do you want to add a fairy garden with elves to your profile?'
P: It's like, 'What Disney princess are you?' I'm like, 'the one that's going to kill you!'
K1: 'You can do anything, like Barbie.' Don't you remember the commercials?
C: No. We had a mute button.
P1: The hierarchy goes like this: God-Superman-Librarians-Do
K1: My cat's at the top...
P1: Do you ever sit on the metro and look at the signs and wonder what letters you can take out to spell dirty words?...if you take an 'l' out of 'Peel' it says 'pee.' And 'Atwater' can spell 'twat.'
(WorldofWarcraft)
K1; I've only ever heard the words.
P1: I've never played it.
L: I think it means you're obese if you play it.
K1: My friends used to call me 'Porky McGrits.'
P1: Why?
K1: We had a band called 'Pork & the Grits'(?) We also had a band called 'White Bread and the Oreo Cookie Centre.' (?)
P1: My face hurts..
C: There is nothing in the world that can make the allocation of funds between departments interesting.
P1: Yeah. I wouldn't think so. Unless it were conveyed in porn form. As in, it's interesting they decided to do that....
C: I'm not sure 'interesting' is the right word.
P: It might have a better plot.
C: Plot? They have a plot?
P1: Its funny, 'cause the thing is, in Acadian, 'plot' is slang for vagina...another of those words that sound like they mean something in the other language, but boy do they mean something different.
P1: Everyone thought George Bush said something really stupid, but it's true. I hate his freedoms too. I hate his freedom to bomb the shit out of people...
P1: You're looking down your shirt?
C: It looked sparkly for a second. I don't know.
P1: ...Your boobs don't glow, ok?!
P!: CT totally turned me on to information visualization.
C: I'm glad you continued that sentence.
S1: Yeah, I thought you were going somewhere else entirely.
P: CT gave me a huge boner...for information visualization...
P1: The problem is not the zen garden, the problem is you!
S1: You have poor raking skills.
P1: It's not how you rake, it's the act of raking...You're like, 'the glass is half empty and it's full of cyanide.' Instead, you should be like, 'the glass is half full and full of cyanide, want some water?' There's always a silver lining. Or a lead lining. Then you'd be impotent.
C: I believe the term is sterile.
P1: I believe the term is barren. Like a wasteland.
S1: She made us write stream-of-consciousness essays...
P1: A stream-of-consciousness essay for someone like me would be like "This poem sucks. Vacuum cleaners suck. I want a blow job...Is it really a job? Do people get paid to do this? Some people do. Would I accept money for this?..."
S1: Have you ever read Harriet the Spy?...because you remind me of Harriet the spy. Except more dirty. Harriet the spy did not write things as risque.
P1: Harriet the spy didn't have a friend like me.
P1: What woman would be threatened by a guy's blow-up doll? Might be weirded out, like, 'can't you just jack off like a normal person?'
S1: Might be if it were a sheep.
P1: Or a baby...
Celine: 'you can't just change the culture of an organization...'
C: You can in cults!
Q: That's because they kill themselves.
C: L. Ron. Hubbard. He changed the culture...
Q: Shut up and drink your KoolAid.
P1: Maybe this is why you guys are stressed out and I'm not: because I'm blissfully unaware of my impending academic doom.
R1: I don't think there are any knowledge management fantasies. "I'm going to manage your knowledge..."
S1: The primary problem is my poor beer management skills..
C: The primary problem is that we're talking about management and we're not in Management class!
V: Oh, you're going to go all Carrie on us....she does look a little like Sissy Spacek.
S8: Oh yeah, she does....In the nicest possible way.
V: I wish that cute waiter was working tonight. This slim brown one with lustrous hair...I would mount him in a moment.
V: My dad took me to an Ani DiFranco show when I was fourteen. It was him and a sea of lesbians...
S8: My mum is actually the most foul-mouthed person I've ever met in my life, but the most foul-mouthed in Northern Reflection clothing...
J3: I was afraid to swear around my parents, because I didn't think they knew about swear words. I didn't want them to pick up on it.
V: I always wanted to be the girl in this song!
Q: What?
V: The girl who tears down someone's self-esteem until they have to write a song about it...
V: It just infuriates me. You want it that way? You want it what way?! What does that mean?!?
S8: The drummer doesn't have arms, that makes him automatically amazing!
S2: He has one.
V: My grandmother's favourite thing to say to me was "Jezebel! Harlot!" ... she lived with us for two years after she hurt her hip. It's a good thing she couldn't get upstairs. "Harlot!"
S2: I remember through the haze of alcohol that you were recording things for posterity that probably shouldn't be recorded.
J6: All I remember is that I didn't eat that day and I had a lot of alcohol and I don't think that worked out for me.
S2: *sigh* And the pen keeps going.
C: Always. it's like the Energizer bunny.
(y'all)
S2: ...once I went to school in New Orleans and heard my professors say it...
J3: It's acceptable, if it's scholarly.
P1: Oh god, this title makes me want to cry. Usability beyond the website: an empirically-grounded e-commerce evaluative refinement for the total customer experience.'
P1: Do you know what keeps me sane? The thought...
C: You're sane?
P1: I like to think so. The fact that in six weeks I won't be here anymore.
P1: Once a friend and I were walking down the hallway and there was this map of Paris and we both turned to it and pointed and said "I peed on that street corner." and then we just looked at each other and kept walking...it wasn't the same street corner...
C: It's not a logical way to approach nourishment.
P1: Or sexuality.
March 3, 2008: Why are you looking at me like that; it makes perfect sense!
HW: It's a big ball of mush, right, your stomach, with skin over it, and I can move it like this but not like this.
AS: It's too bad you can't record hand gestures, because that was the most disturbing explanation of a stomach I've ever heard.
H: ...I can bend it like this, but I can't crumple it up and break it.
SC: "Crumple it up and break it." Record that.
A: Especially that she used the knife.
H: I really like the idea of walking a bit...
A: Please don't try to explain your stomach again.
A: The fact that I actually know who Raffi is and can actually sing one of his songs and never actually grew up in this country says something...
H: About me.
H: I was just going to insult myself. I was saying here was something wrong with my finger and then I was going to say 'there's something wrong with the rest of you!' and it would have been so good only it's me.
CW: You know you've spent too much time trading insults when...
H: Bad insults.
CW: You just insulted yourself again.
http://www.threadless.com/
CC: They could sell that at weight loss centres.
CW: As in what, you'll never make it?
T: It's great to be a rhino...
C: Apparently I'm their model of how not to bring up a child.
T: As in, never let your child have a notebook?
CC: How long do your cheeks burn for when you're in love, anyway?
T: About ten trillion years. After that, you convert to the Scientologists that remain alive. Because Scientology guarantees that you'll live for ten trillion years....Anyhow it's not love. It's infatuation.
J: Not love!
T: She agrees! Out of the mouths of babes...
T: I can just imagine Mr. H on reading that going 'romantics, cynics, romantics, cynics, romantics, cynics...weirdo."
C: I said delicious lipgloss. I didn't say you were trying to turn on the mayor.
T: Get that image out of my head! Please! Please! You haven't seen him in person! I have!...this is going on Facebook, isn't it?
C: Yes.
T: Can we talk about something else?
C: Yes.
T: Like kittens and cupcakes?
C: Something less banal?
T: Than kittens and cupcakes?
C: I like kittens! But cupcakes? As a conversation topic?
T: A French commercial for a funeral home.
C: My future career!
T: You're going to run a database for a funeral home?
C: No. Embalmer. Remember Career Studies?
T: I'm getting to be a connaisseur of subway systems. Toronto's, St. Petersburg, Moscow, London, Chicago, Kiev...only six! Darnit! My descents into the underworld should be more varied!
OH: You're back from the dead, I see. And wearing eye makeup.
T: The dead always wear eye makeup. Like ghouls...
O: ...Always hold the pineapple above your head before you slam it down on the juicer.
C *blank look*
O: That made sense in my head.
O: Didn't someone get it on with the wolf in the original version?
T: I thought the wolf ate them.
C: Yeah, well, after. It's not praying mantis.
T: I thought the wolf was male.
O: I would have remembered a goat! How could I have been so involved in my school that I walked right past a goat!??!
(on stupidity)
C: It opens a few more doors.
T: But it closes doors to sparkling discussions on group theory.
O: I didn't even know the Oscars were on last night. Did you guys know?
C: I watched them...
T: I refreshed the Wikipedia page.
C: ...with my mum and sister and I made fun of people's grammar and mum hit me with a pillow.
O: I love you guys You are so nerdy! It's not nerdy not to watch the Oscars, it's nerdy to watch them!
T: It's nerdy to refresh the Wikipedia page!
C: ...There was this guy who was going on about how it was called a movie because it was moving...
T: Moving like it moves you to throw things at the television?
C: Moving like my stomach is moving.
O: You're going to be the best crazy cat lady ever!
T: I'll be the best crazy rabbit lady...
O: I love how you can use evolutionary psychology to justify anything. You cut off your boyfriend's ball's: Whatever! Rabbits do it! It's natural!
T: You eat your boyfriend! Praying mantises do it! It's natural!
O: Wait, all the guys I like have emotional problems! So I have a crush on the boys who have a crush on you!
C: It's a merry-go-round!
T: Fit me in somewhere.
O: You can...kill them? ... or if that's a bit extreme you can just do like your rabbits.
T: Not with my own teeth.
O: Wow, I have no spite in my whatsoever. I'm not being vindictive at all!
T: It's like a girl on bpal, when her crush came back to her after screwing up she said 'I didn't tell him, but if he does it to me again, he'll be singing soprano.'
O: Except you'll be doing a favour to the opera world!.....Just think, you'll be like American Idol! You'd be like a talent scout in your own twisted way! Why are you looking at me like that; it makes perfect sense!
MW: Another way to repel a guy is to have a red contact and when he looks away, put it in, and squint. Just like this.
U: Or an eye patch.
dad: And the cars were product placement too, which worked pretty well, except their airbags were faulty...
(on Vantage Point car chase scene)
CC: And there was like this jellowy stuff and it was like...
T: *with distaste* hospital jello.
CC: It was my dessert! It looked like soap! It was in, like, a soapdish!
T: Will it reproduce soon?
T: I've got no idea. I've never seen a horny mathematician.
T: I've always wondered how people with really tall mohawks get through doors.
CW: Duck? It seems a simple logistical problem. I'd be more worried about climbing trees.
T: And occasionally I'll drop by with a chocolate bar.
CC: Oooh, a chocolate bar! Will you peel it for me?
T: C, there is a slight diffference, which you will have to teach our kids, between chocolate bars and bananas...
CW: My parents got out the baby book the other day and were looking at my old pictures that I drew and laughing....It was so embarrassing...
T: Hey, I still have my old pictures.
CW: Yes, but are they nudie pictures of large breasted women?
T: Yes.
CW:....Oh. That makes me feel better.
CW: I like winter. It's precipitation that you can throw at people.
T: Your eyes looked so bright when you said that...
CW: I really do want a hippopotamus skull in my apartment, though.
T: Where would you get it?
CW: I dunno. Ebay?
T: I want another whale vertebrae...
T: I'll have what she's having.
CW: That makes me think of Meg Ryan.
T: Why?
CW: 'I'll have what she's having." A lady says that when she's faking an orgasm.
T: What's she eating?
CW: Uh....salad?
T:Why would you fake an orgasm when you're eating salad?...(to cashier) We're sorry for traumatizing you for life.
cashier: No worries.
CW: It came up in the course of conversation. (to cashier) I'm sure none of your girlfriends ever have.
cashier: No comment..
clip here
CW: I don't admire people because I want to be like them, I'm like, 'ooh, this person would be a really cool character in a story and wow they're fucked up! Awesome."
T: Thank you.
CW: I don't really have that follower mentality, I respect someone because of the different viewpoints would give me a new perspective I could take under consideration; I don't want to follow them around like a little lapdog.
T: I'll let you be my lapdog. I've got a roomy lap.
CW: No. I'm bigger than you. Pipsqueak.
T: Were you licking your muffin?
CW: Sort of. I was collecting the crumbs so that they wouldn't spray everywhere. One has to do that with delicacy.
CW: But the coffee's done. You're just going to let it fester until they get here?
M: Fester? That is such a sexy word...
T: How old is he?
CW: Well, we got him the New Joisey year, so there was Tampa Bay...
T: You remember you cat's age by hockey playoffs??!!?!...2003.
T: Was he hot?
U: No.
T: So what's the problem?
U: I was taller than him. I swear, my boobs were the size of his ass.
T: ....C, you'll need the notebook. And all that said in a British accent. I swear we need a sitcom.
U: Notice something different, notice something different about my boobs?
M: That they look like some guy's ass?
T: How did that guy resist you? You talk like you're seducing someone even now. I'm almost going not straight...
M: You should see her in spring. Mating season.
M; Actually I don't think three boobs is enough. Maybe some on your back, three along your spine, and one in the front....
U: Wow, you're like a one-woman breast attack.
M: Okay, telepathic message.
U: "Food is here; must go eat."
M: Wrong message.
U: He forgot the garlic sauce?!?!
M: Okay, the newest way to be sexy: bit off a piece of your hair and spit it at someone.
T: Alright, let's watch something that hopefully doesn't involve Viggo Mortenson's swaying ding-dong.
U: You look a little like him, you know?
T: Like Vitas?
U: Well, the blue eyes.
T: Here, MW looks just as much like Vitas as I do. Blue eyes, brown hair. Presence of a nose. Presence of a mouth. Both ears checked.
here
CW: Ooh, skulls.
T: Memento mori for your morbid tendencies.
CW: Yeah, I need to expand the manifestations of my morbid tendencies.
JF: And I saw this sign that said "starving: give me money" and I swear I've seen like nine homeless guys with it, they take shifts, but it was Sunday morning so he was probably too hung over to show up to his shift...
T: How's your tart?
J: Good.
O: The Queen of Hearts would approve.
CW: No she wouldn't. She'd just get mad and chop of his head.
O: To-may-to, To-mah-to.
CW: I love that book (1984).
T: I don't.
O: I used to read it aloud to my parents in car trips because I thought it was cute...that was a genuine comment!!
MP: I'll know because everyone made a head the size of a fist and mine was like that size again..
O: Well, don't they say you make art in your own image?
MP: That's what everyone told me then..
J: Just buy a new zen garden, It's not working.
CW: This one is clearly faulty.
T: This zen garden is not giving me inner peace!
J: He has huge nipples; you didn't notice?
CW: I wasn't checking out his nipples. You're more interested in naked men than I am; this is weird.
J: Once you've seen M's nipples, you'll understand.
J: I can't believe you've just pulled that out and written something down. It's a movie!
CW: I had to write your nipple fetish! It'll be on Facebook later. If I can read it.
J: Oh shit, it's Lassie with an attitude.
J: This is like Hick McGyver.
J: There's no pork loin...There's only one pork loin I'm looking at.
*M hides head and sighs*
J: It's a really messed up movie (Youth About Youth), but the guy reads a lot of books, so I think you'd relate to it.
J: Wanna hear some pillow talk? Barnacles have the largest penis relative to their size.
T: Horses have penises twenty inches long. Which is why a guy died having anal sex with one.
J: ...We drove back looking for a horse penis. My friend was hanging out of the window with a camera...
T...it's cause it's so efficient. Seven pelvic thrusts and that's it.
T: I never really understood the point of the pickle.
J: It's a phallic symbol.
T: So is a clarinet, apparently.
MP ...If that's the case with a flute, they're not doing it right.
*long pause*
J: So how's about those triangle penises?
MP: Do you remember New Year's a Lara's? The girls were trying to figure out what bra size would fit me...
T: 34 B.
J: I can see the 34 but not the B.
T: J, did you convey to M that you are turned on by geese?
J: Hey, M...
M: See, now you've got me all giggly!
J: How can you be 23?
CW: January.
J: I'm 21!
MP: How can you be 21?
J: When did I turn 22?
CW: When's your birthday?
MP: August.
J: August first.
CW: What year?
J: Nineteen-eighty...oh my god I'm OLD!!!
CW: I'm not really a physical contact sort of person.
MP: Yeah, I've noticed. Except when it comes to punching people.
MP: I don't know why this came to mind, but in high school sex ed, the best way to start, is to tell the kids '14 or 15 years ago, your parents were at it.'
AS: It's too bad you can't record hand gestures, because that was the most disturbing explanation of a stomach I've ever heard.
H: ...I can bend it like this, but I can't crumple it up and break it.
SC: "Crumple it up and break it." Record that.
A: Especially that she used the knife.
H: I really like the idea of walking a bit...
A: Please don't try to explain your stomach again.
A: The fact that I actually know who Raffi is and can actually sing one of his songs and never actually grew up in this country says something...
H: About me.
H: I was just going to insult myself. I was saying here was something wrong with my finger and then I was going to say 'there's something wrong with the rest of you!' and it would have been so good only it's me.
CW: You know you've spent too much time trading insults when...
H: Bad insults.
CW: You just insulted yourself again.
http://www.threadless.com/
CC: They could sell that at weight loss centres.
CW: As in what, you'll never make it?
T: It's great to be a rhino...
C: Apparently I'm their model of how not to bring up a child.
T: As in, never let your child have a notebook?
CC: How long do your cheeks burn for when you're in love, anyway?
T: About ten trillion years. After that, you convert to the Scientologists that remain alive. Because Scientology guarantees that you'll live for ten trillion years....Anyhow it's not love. It's infatuation.
J: Not love!
T: She agrees! Out of the mouths of babes...
T: I can just imagine Mr. H on reading that going 'romantics, cynics, romantics, cynics, romantics, cynics...weirdo."
C: I said delicious lipgloss. I didn't say you were trying to turn on the mayor.
T: Get that image out of my head! Please! Please! You haven't seen him in person! I have!...this is going on Facebook, isn't it?
C: Yes.
T: Can we talk about something else?
C: Yes.
T: Like kittens and cupcakes?
C: Something less banal?
T: Than kittens and cupcakes?
C: I like kittens! But cupcakes? As a conversation topic?
T: A French commercial for a funeral home.
C: My future career!
T: You're going to run a database for a funeral home?
C: No. Embalmer. Remember Career Studies?
T: I'm getting to be a connaisseur of subway systems. Toronto's, St. Petersburg, Moscow, London, Chicago, Kiev...only six! Darnit! My descents into the underworld should be more varied!
OH: You're back from the dead, I see. And wearing eye makeup.
T: The dead always wear eye makeup. Like ghouls...
O: ...Always hold the pineapple above your head before you slam it down on the juicer.
C *blank look*
O: That made sense in my head.
O: Didn't someone get it on with the wolf in the original version?
T: I thought the wolf ate them.
C: Yeah, well, after. It's not praying mantis.
T: I thought the wolf was male.
O: I would have remembered a goat! How could I have been so involved in my school that I walked right past a goat!??!
(on stupidity)
C: It opens a few more doors.
T: But it closes doors to sparkling discussions on group theory.
O: I didn't even know the Oscars were on last night. Did you guys know?
C: I watched them...
T: I refreshed the Wikipedia page.
C: ...with my mum and sister and I made fun of people's grammar and mum hit me with a pillow.
O: I love you guys You are so nerdy! It's not nerdy not to watch the Oscars, it's nerdy to watch them!
T: It's nerdy to refresh the Wikipedia page!
C: ...There was this guy who was going on about how it was called a movie because it was moving...
T: Moving like it moves you to throw things at the television?
C: Moving like my stomach is moving.
O: You're going to be the best crazy cat lady ever!
T: I'll be the best crazy rabbit lady...
O: I love how you can use evolutionary psychology to justify anything. You cut off your boyfriend's ball's: Whatever! Rabbits do it! It's natural!
T: You eat your boyfriend! Praying mantises do it! It's natural!
O: Wait, all the guys I like have emotional problems! So I have a crush on the boys who have a crush on you!
C: It's a merry-go-round!
T: Fit me in somewhere.
O: You can...kill them? ... or if that's a bit extreme you can just do like your rabbits.
T: Not with my own teeth.
O: Wow, I have no spite in my whatsoever. I'm not being vindictive at all!
T: It's like a girl on bpal, when her crush came back to her after screwing up she said 'I didn't tell him, but if he does it to me again, he'll be singing soprano.'
O: Except you'll be doing a favour to the opera world!.....Just think, you'll be like American Idol! You'd be like a talent scout in your own twisted way! Why are you looking at me like that; it makes perfect sense!
MW: Another way to repel a guy is to have a red contact and when he looks away, put it in, and squint. Just like this.
U: Or an eye patch.
dad: And the cars were product placement too, which worked pretty well, except their airbags were faulty...
(on Vantage Point car chase scene)
CC: And there was like this jellowy stuff and it was like...
T: *with distaste* hospital jello.
CC: It was my dessert! It looked like soap! It was in, like, a soapdish!
T: Will it reproduce soon?
T: I've got no idea. I've never seen a horny mathematician.
T: I've always wondered how people with really tall mohawks get through doors.
CW: Duck? It seems a simple logistical problem. I'd be more worried about climbing trees.
T: And occasionally I'll drop by with a chocolate bar.
CC: Oooh, a chocolate bar! Will you peel it for me?
T: C, there is a slight diffference, which you will have to teach our kids, between chocolate bars and bananas...
CW: My parents got out the baby book the other day and were looking at my old pictures that I drew and laughing....It was so embarrassing...
T: Hey, I still have my old pictures.
CW: Yes, but are they nudie pictures of large breasted women?
T: Yes.
CW:....Oh. That makes me feel better.
CW: I like winter. It's precipitation that you can throw at people.
T: Your eyes looked so bright when you said that...
CW: I really do want a hippopotamus skull in my apartment, though.
T: Where would you get it?
CW: I dunno. Ebay?
T: I want another whale vertebrae...
T: I'll have what she's having.
CW: That makes me think of Meg Ryan.
T: Why?
CW: 'I'll have what she's having." A lady says that when she's faking an orgasm.
T: What's she eating?
CW: Uh....salad?
T:Why would you fake an orgasm when you're eating salad?...(to cashier) We're sorry for traumatizing you for life.
cashier: No worries.
CW: It came up in the course of conversation. (to cashier) I'm sure none of your girlfriends ever have.
cashier: No comment..
clip here
CW: I don't admire people because I want to be like them, I'm like, 'ooh, this person would be a really cool character in a story and wow they're fucked up! Awesome."
T: Thank you.
CW: I don't really have that follower mentality, I respect someone because of the different viewpoints would give me a new perspective I could take under consideration; I don't want to follow them around like a little lapdog.
T: I'll let you be my lapdog. I've got a roomy lap.
CW: No. I'm bigger than you. Pipsqueak.
T: Were you licking your muffin?
CW: Sort of. I was collecting the crumbs so that they wouldn't spray everywhere. One has to do that with delicacy.
CW: But the coffee's done. You're just going to let it fester until they get here?
M: Fester? That is such a sexy word...
T: How old is he?
CW: Well, we got him the New Joisey year, so there was Tampa Bay...
T: You remember you cat's age by hockey playoffs??!!?!...2003.
T: Was he hot?
U: No.
T: So what's the problem?
U: I was taller than him. I swear, my boobs were the size of his ass.
T: ....C, you'll need the notebook. And all that said in a British accent. I swear we need a sitcom.
U: Notice something different, notice something different about my boobs?
M: That they look like some guy's ass?
T: How did that guy resist you? You talk like you're seducing someone even now. I'm almost going not straight...
M: You should see her in spring. Mating season.
M; Actually I don't think three boobs is enough. Maybe some on your back, three along your spine, and one in the front....
U: Wow, you're like a one-woman breast attack.
M: Okay, telepathic message.
U: "Food is here; must go eat."
M: Wrong message.
U: He forgot the garlic sauce?!?!
M: Okay, the newest way to be sexy: bit off a piece of your hair and spit it at someone.
T: Alright, let's watch something that hopefully doesn't involve Viggo Mortenson's swaying ding-dong.
U: You look a little like him, you know?
T: Like Vitas?
U: Well, the blue eyes.
T: Here, MW looks just as much like Vitas as I do. Blue eyes, brown hair. Presence of a nose. Presence of a mouth. Both ears checked.
here
CW: Ooh, skulls.
T: Memento mori for your morbid tendencies.
CW: Yeah, I need to expand the manifestations of my morbid tendencies.
JF: And I saw this sign that said "starving: give me money" and I swear I've seen like nine homeless guys with it, they take shifts, but it was Sunday morning so he was probably too hung over to show up to his shift...
T: How's your tart?
J: Good.
O: The Queen of Hearts would approve.
CW: No she wouldn't. She'd just get mad and chop of his head.
O: To-may-to, To-mah-to.
CW: I love that book (1984).
T: I don't.
O: I used to read it aloud to my parents in car trips because I thought it was cute...that was a genuine comment!!
MP: I'll know because everyone made a head the size of a fist and mine was like that size again..
O: Well, don't they say you make art in your own image?
MP: That's what everyone told me then..
J: Just buy a new zen garden, It's not working.
CW: This one is clearly faulty.
T: This zen garden is not giving me inner peace!
J: He has huge nipples; you didn't notice?
CW: I wasn't checking out his nipples. You're more interested in naked men than I am; this is weird.
J: Once you've seen M's nipples, you'll understand.
J: I can't believe you've just pulled that out and written something down. It's a movie!
CW: I had to write your nipple fetish! It'll be on Facebook later. If I can read it.
J: Oh shit, it's Lassie with an attitude.
J: This is like Hick McGyver.
J: There's no pork loin...There's only one pork loin I'm looking at.
*M hides head and sighs*
J: It's a really messed up movie (Youth About Youth), but the guy reads a lot of books, so I think you'd relate to it.
J: Wanna hear some pillow talk? Barnacles have the largest penis relative to their size.
T: Horses have penises twenty inches long. Which is why a guy died having anal sex with one.
J: ...We drove back looking for a horse penis. My friend was hanging out of the window with a camera...
T...it's cause it's so efficient. Seven pelvic thrusts and that's it.
T: I never really understood the point of the pickle.
J: It's a phallic symbol.
T: So is a clarinet, apparently.
MP ...If that's the case with a flute, they're not doing it right.
*long pause*
J: So how's about those triangle penises?
MP: Do you remember New Year's a Lara's? The girls were trying to figure out what bra size would fit me...
T: 34 B.
J: I can see the 34 but not the B.
T: J, did you convey to M that you are turned on by geese?
J: Hey, M...
M: See, now you've got me all giggly!
J: How can you be 23?
CW: January.
J: I'm 21!
MP: How can you be 21?
J: When did I turn 22?
CW: When's your birthday?
MP: August.
J: August first.
CW: What year?
J: Nineteen-eighty...oh my god I'm OLD!!!
CW: I'm not really a physical contact sort of person.
MP: Yeah, I've noticed. Except when it comes to punching people.
MP: I don't know why this came to mind, but in high school sex ed, the best way to start, is to tell the kids '14 or 15 years ago, your parents were at it.'
February 20, 2008: the combination of sobriety and the notebook makes me nervous
D2: My pants are falling down.
C: Thanks for sharing.
D2: Either that or if you were paying attention you'd think I had got some sort of rash...
D2: And then she thought she was so dainty with her Perrier, which she then ejaculated all over her leg...see how one word makes it more interesting?
D2: Although if I am in it (novel), I want a racy part.
C: I'm not sure I'd be very good at writing racy parts. I'd have to get around a little more...
D2: What if you were just, recording it?
C: I think I could, like, hint at it but, you know, not write the really racy stuff until I, you know, had a little more, uh, experience...
D2:A little more first hand experience. That's good. First hand. First hand, and then mouth...oh you are innocent. Listen to you...
JW: Dude, that's better than being known as the guy who does, you know
-: Oh, he's known for those too..
S2: Coors is anti-union beer!
JW: I think they hate the gay people too...
S2: I went in to tell him I was skipping his class and he offered me a job.
J6: I assure you the two are not related.
Q: The CIA torture people.
A5: So does Microsoft.
S2: Alrighty. Who'm I kidding; I'm not going to G's class. Who'm I kidding?
C: Nobody. We already knew you weren't going.
S2: Yeah, 'cause that matters. 'I'm sorry I didn't get my paper done because it was Valentine's Day and I was drinking in a bar.' It's not like I was with my significant other or anything, I was in a bar...drunk. 'Drinking, man!'
A5: It's a new talent. 'I'm going to sing.' 'I'm going to pierce my ass.' 'What do you think about world peace?' 'Fuck off; I just pierced my ass!'
J6: It's like a mullet. There's the ironic mullet, and the non-ironic mullet. They're both different and they're both funny.
S2: Hey, I grew up in a place where muullets are sincere!!
JW: 'The Allouettes.' That's a macho name for a team.
Q: My friend had the best name for the Washington soccer team: The Kickbacks.
S2: See, the combination of sobriety and the notebook makes me nervous.
P2: What, haven't you met a writer before? I'm assuming that's what you are.
C: Yes. I also write down stupid things people say and post them on the internet.
P2: Excellent. With pictures? We need to get you a digital camera.
P2: It's funny how they tell you 'don't patronize the patrons' and you're like 'ok...how?'
P2: You know, there are times when you don't really want to overhear a conversation. 'Guy...teeny...plain...inf
C: Man, if I were a prospective director of films, I might carry around a video camera...
S2: That would be a terrible thing. There are certain things that are not meant to be immortalized, and I am usually one of them.
JW: The Vatican has the best pornography collection in the world.
S2: Alright, I will get a job as the Vatican library's pornography librarian. Fuck this archive shit: Vatican pornography!!
P2: ...because it feels wrong to be lusting after your necklace and admiring your ability to focus and write down these things in your notebook without knowing your name...
P2: I'm sorry; I should stop doing that.
S2: What?
P2: I've learnt to grin in a manner that implies I'm about to eat your offspring...It was a defense mechanism in high school, and I feel I've never quite grown out of it...
Q: Were you there when we were talking about Second Life and McNally thought it was Afterlife? ..dead people are accessing the library system...
J6: How high are MN's pants?
A5: How high are MN's pants? Almost nip level.
S2: Alright, I'm getting the fuck out of here before karaoke happens.
C: Have some more beer. Maybe you'll change your mind.
S2: This is not fair!!
K1: I used to vacuum my barbies' faces off. They came off with a vacuum.
L: Did you ever see Welcome to the Dollhouse? My dad told me I looked like her. It's the last thing you need to hear when you're, like, thirteen(?).
L: I read your note! I was in it! It was about G*** humping me!....in a clothed manner..
S5: I think I actually added you as a friend before I met you because P*** told me about your notes and I wanted to read them.
C: Oh, I'm reading about how we need men AND women as LEADERS and there are too many men and men are scum...
A1: Oh, you like men, C.
C: Apparently nobody else does.
A1: You like men and cats. Maybe women too. You'd be very mediocre, then. Men, women and cats...When you put it up, you need to put the diagram, too.
C: Thanks for sharing.
D2: Either that or if you were paying attention you'd think I had got some sort of rash...
D2: And then she thought she was so dainty with her Perrier, which she then ejaculated all over her leg...see how one word makes it more interesting?
D2: Although if I am in it (novel), I want a racy part.
C: I'm not sure I'd be very good at writing racy parts. I'd have to get around a little more...
D2: What if you were just, recording it?
C: I think I could, like, hint at it but, you know, not write the really racy stuff until I, you know, had a little more, uh, experience...
D2:A little more first hand experience. That's good. First hand. First hand, and then mouth...oh you are innocent. Listen to you...
JW: Dude, that's better than being known as the guy who does, you know
-: Oh, he's known for those too..
S2: Coors is anti-union beer!
JW: I think they hate the gay people too...
S2: I went in to tell him I was skipping his class and he offered me a job.
J6: I assure you the two are not related.
Q: The CIA torture people.
A5: So does Microsoft.
S2: Alrighty. Who'm I kidding; I'm not going to G's class. Who'm I kidding?
C: Nobody. We already knew you weren't going.
S2: Yeah, 'cause that matters. 'I'm sorry I didn't get my paper done because it was Valentine's Day and I was drinking in a bar.' It's not like I was with my significant other or anything, I was in a bar...drunk. 'Drinking, man!'
A5: It's a new talent. 'I'm going to sing.' 'I'm going to pierce my ass.' 'What do you think about world peace?' 'Fuck off; I just pierced my ass!'
J6: It's like a mullet. There's the ironic mullet, and the non-ironic mullet. They're both different and they're both funny.
S2: Hey, I grew up in a place where muullets are sincere!!
JW: 'The Allouettes.' That's a macho name for a team.
Q: My friend had the best name for the Washington soccer team: The Kickbacks.
S2: See, the combination of sobriety and the notebook makes me nervous.
P2: What, haven't you met a writer before? I'm assuming that's what you are.
C: Yes. I also write down stupid things people say and post them on the internet.
P2: Excellent. With pictures? We need to get you a digital camera.
P2: It's funny how they tell you 'don't patronize the patrons' and you're like 'ok...how?'
P2: You know, there are times when you don't really want to overhear a conversation. 'Guy...teeny...plain...inf
C: Man, if I were a prospective director of films, I might carry around a video camera...
S2: That would be a terrible thing. There are certain things that are not meant to be immortalized, and I am usually one of them.
JW: The Vatican has the best pornography collection in the world.
S2: Alright, I will get a job as the Vatican library's pornography librarian. Fuck this archive shit: Vatican pornography!!
P2: ...because it feels wrong to be lusting after your necklace and admiring your ability to focus and write down these things in your notebook without knowing your name...
P2: I'm sorry; I should stop doing that.
S2: What?
P2: I've learnt to grin in a manner that implies I'm about to eat your offspring...It was a defense mechanism in high school, and I feel I've never quite grown out of it...
Q: Were you there when we were talking about Second Life and McNally thought it was Afterlife? ..dead people are accessing the library system...
J6: How high are MN's pants?
A5: How high are MN's pants? Almost nip level.
S2: Alright, I'm getting the fuck out of here before karaoke happens.
C: Have some more beer. Maybe you'll change your mind.
S2: This is not fair!!
K1: I used to vacuum my barbies' faces off. They came off with a vacuum.
L: Did you ever see Welcome to the Dollhouse? My dad told me I looked like her. It's the last thing you need to hear when you're, like, thirteen(?).
L: I read your note! I was in it! It was about G*** humping me!....in a clothed manner..
S5: I think I actually added you as a friend before I met you because P*** told me about your notes and I wanted to read them.
C: Oh, I'm reading about how we need men AND women as LEADERS and there are too many men and men are scum...
A1: Oh, you like men, C.
C: Apparently nobody else does.
A1: You like men and cats. Maybe women too. You'd be very mediocre, then. Men, women and cats...When you put it up, you need to put the diagram, too.
A1: Normal's just the middle of the bellcurve.
C: That's where all the less interesting people are.
A1: That's where all the people are who had better things to do than what you're studying. If A*** gets a B in a course, is she less interesting? No. it just means she's been drinking and fucking that semester...
A1: I remember my mum(?) said 'Why would you want to be normal? That's so boring.' I was just like 'isn't it also efficient?'
M1: A mall the size of Seattle? That would be kind of cool.
C: I'd get lost. I'd probably starve and die. Become homeless, beg for spare change, and starve...
M1: Well, no, there would probably be, like, food courts and stuff.
C: But I couldn't afford it; I'd spend all my money and not be able to get home and get more, get to my job...I'd have to beg for spare change. There'd be this whole subculture, homeless people who just got lost in the mall...
A1: You would not become homeless; you'd start a cult. Although instead of the Cult of the Forklift...
C: Divine Forklift
A1: ...it would be the cult of the mall fountain. You would come out of the fountain like Venus, the foam... 'children spit in the fountain and it created foam and the foam created me....' That's gross.
C: Yes.
A1: Although, do you know how Venus was created?
C: Yes.
A1: Arsenic?
P1: I dunno. I was going to go with hemlock.
A1: Too romantic.
P1: It killed one guy I hate.
A1: You hate Socrates?
P1: Yes.
A1: Me too...I could be really smart if I argued with idiots all the time!
P1: I could use the Socratic method on kindergarteners. 'You could have one chocolate bar now, or ten chocolate bars in ten minutes. That's like the afterlife.'...and then they go off to watch t.v. And then I kill them.
A1: ...Library Services to Children.
P1: Oh right, that's our topic. I forgot.
A1: Oh yeah, library services to children: we've killed them all. Problem solved.
P1: You are so maladjusted!! A*** and I talk about how when we have kids, we don't want to be like your parents.
C: Seriously?! *laughs*
P1: We've actually had this conversation. Not because you turned out totally screwed up or anything, but you don't know who Corey Hart is!!!!
P1: Stop licking your muffin!! We are so not raising our children like you.
A1: I feel I spend way too much time in your book, C. It's not healthy.
P1: What are you doing?!?!! It's not a wounded bird; It's a muffin!
P: I'm sorry; I was thinking about snapping the necks of birds; what?
A1: Pigeons...don't you ever get..kicking..pigeons?
P: Don't I ever get kicking pigeons? That's not a sentence! Do I ever get the urge to kill pigeons?
A1: They're like footballs.
P1: R2D2 has the best personality?
M1: Oh yeah.
R2: Totally.
P1: He was a smartass.
R2: Exactly.
P1: You know that entire time he's talking about having sex with C3PO's mom...
P1: Being around you(C) is like being at my old job with people from Romania and Poland and the Seychelle Islands. I would make Simpsons references and nobody would get it.
P1: That's up on the list of places that should be firebombed. Pete's Fruitique and Scientology Churches.
P1: But, see, this is getting continuously raped for two years straight just so I can have a decent paying job.
C: So you can have Ham Sandwich.
P1: That's assuming I'm potent.
*C killing herself with laughter*
P1: Oh wait. is that the right word? I AM potent. Sterile. Not sterile.
R2: I'm good at descriptive titles. My entire thesis was described in one very long run-on sentence.
P1: My title was 'Suicide.' It was on suicide.
M1: That would be a lot harder to explain if it wasn't on suicide. 'Comparative Linguistics...'
S1: Can we make up our own case studies? About porn? Like, you go in and someone's jacking off and what would you do?
C: Join in?
S1: What? ...it's more realistic than the ones that she gave us.
K1: My mum sends me clippings from Oprah's magazine. I send them back. It's been going on for five years...she's like, 'there's this article in O, I think you need to buy it.' I'm like, 'I'm not buying Oprah's magazine.'
C: I didn't even know she had a magazine.
K1: It's called O.
K1: I had a really crazy dream last night. I dreamt I was really good at filling inter-library loans, and everyone was impressed.
C: This program's going to turn me to drink.
S2: This program's already turned me to drink.
C: You didn't drink before?
S2: Well, ok, I did drink before. I never used to drink while doing course readings and assignments. Are you writing this down? Jesus...Before I used to drink for social purposes and now it's to blunt the unbearableness of it all. Oh jesus, you're writing that down too. Wow, everyone who knows who S2 is, is going to think I'm an alcoholic. Note to facebook people: that was for satirical purposes.
C: There, I recorded your defense as well.
S2: Ok. Thank you...Now you're quoting me for thanking you for quoting me before...how meta- is this going to get? Oh jesus...I give up.
S1: You dreamt that thing?
C: Yes.
S1: You know it's going to kill you now. In your sleep. Yeah, you're doomed.
J1: Maybe it was. Maybe it was a library drinking game that turned into an article.
J1: So, you have the castrati, who gets castrated so he can sing really high, but he's, like, useless as a man...
V: *laughs* 'Useless as a man.'
M2: 'Useless as a man:' that's pretty brutal.
V: I used to walk around HMV with my fingers like this and do all my tasks like Yoda. the person with their DVDs would be like 'what's going on?' I'd be like 'Happy you are with your purchases?'
V: My pen's dying.
J1: My pen's dying too. As we speak.
C: Hm, rampant pen death.
V: They seem to have a suicide pact.
J1; She only writes down stuff she considers funny. It's not like...
P1: 'I'm seriously considering killing myself. I've bought a gun.'
S2: 'Oh, that's so funny!'
P1: Oh. I thought you said 'because your abs are so tight.
B4: No. I don't say that sort of thing.
P1: I was like 'Are there naked pictures on the internet I don't know about? S***...
S2: What? You didn't say anything about 'Do not distribute widely.'
P1: Those pictures were private between you, me, and your mom.
B1: ...See, I think people want to be controlled.
C: Is that why you keep asking about negative motivational skills?
B1: Yes. I wrote in my leadership essay...
C: You're creepy.
B1: You're one to talk.
C: I'm not creepy. I just help create cults devoted to means of lifting heavy objects. That's not creepy; that's weird.
C: 'Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely, God is corrupt'?
P1: Yes.
B1: Exactly.
C: The Divine Forklift is not corrupt.
P: It just lifts things. And puts them on a higher level. Moves things around...
B1: I do actually find that my brain is less good.
P1: Exactly: you just said "less good."
P1: I hate Piglet and Rabbit. Those are the people I would kill. Like, Piglet: get a fucking life. Rabbit: get a fucking life.
A1: I remember in grade 8 I asked a guy to dance and he said 'I'm tired.'
P1: And then he danced with another girl?
A1: No. Worse. I went downstairs and found him jumping on a pogo stick.
C: That's where all the less interesting people are.
A1: That's where all the people are who had better things to do than what you're studying. If A*** gets a B in a course, is she less interesting? No. it just means she's been drinking and fucking that semester...
A1: I remember my mum(?) said 'Why would you want to be normal? That's so boring.' I was just like 'isn't it also efficient?'
M1: A mall the size of Seattle? That would be kind of cool.
C: I'd get lost. I'd probably starve and die. Become homeless, beg for spare change, and starve...
M1: Well, no, there would probably be, like, food courts and stuff.
C: But I couldn't afford it; I'd spend all my money and not be able to get home and get more, get to my job...I'd have to beg for spare change. There'd be this whole subculture, homeless people who just got lost in the mall...
A1: You would not become homeless; you'd start a cult. Although instead of the Cult of the Forklift...
C: Divine Forklift
A1: ...it would be the cult of the mall fountain. You would come out of the fountain like Venus, the foam... 'children spit in the fountain and it created foam and the foam created me....' That's gross.
C: Yes.
A1: Although, do you know how Venus was created?
C: Yes.
A1: Arsenic?
P1: I dunno. I was going to go with hemlock.
A1: Too romantic.
P1: It killed one guy I hate.
A1: You hate Socrates?
P1: Yes.
A1: Me too...I could be really smart if I argued with idiots all the time!
P1: I could use the Socratic method on kindergarteners. 'You could have one chocolate bar now, or ten chocolate bars in ten minutes. That's like the afterlife.'...and then they go off to watch t.v. And then I kill them.
A1: ...Library Services to Children.
P1: Oh right, that's our topic. I forgot.
A1: Oh yeah, library services to children: we've killed them all. Problem solved.
P1: You are so maladjusted!! A*** and I talk about how when we have kids, we don't want to be like your parents.
C: Seriously?! *laughs*
P1: We've actually had this conversation. Not because you turned out totally screwed up or anything, but you don't know who Corey Hart is!!!!
P1: Stop licking your muffin!! We are so not raising our children like you.
A1: I feel I spend way too much time in your book, C. It's not healthy.
P1: What are you doing?!?!! It's not a wounded bird; It's a muffin!
P: I'm sorry; I was thinking about snapping the necks of birds; what?
A1: Pigeons...don't you ever get..kicking..pigeons?
P: Don't I ever get kicking pigeons? That's not a sentence! Do I ever get the urge to kill pigeons?
A1: They're like footballs.
P1: R2D2 has the best personality?
M1: Oh yeah.
R2: Totally.
P1: He was a smartass.
R2: Exactly.
P1: You know that entire time he's talking about having sex with C3PO's mom...
P1: Being around you(C) is like being at my old job with people from Romania and Poland and the Seychelle Islands. I would make Simpsons references and nobody would get it.
P1: That's up on the list of places that should be firebombed. Pete's Fruitique and Scientology Churches.
P1: But, see, this is getting continuously raped for two years straight just so I can have a decent paying job.
C: So you can have Ham Sandwich.
P1: That's assuming I'm potent.
*C killing herself with laughter*
P1: Oh wait. is that the right word? I AM potent. Sterile. Not sterile.
R2: I'm good at descriptive titles. My entire thesis was described in one very long run-on sentence.
P1: My title was 'Suicide.' It was on suicide.
M1: That would be a lot harder to explain if it wasn't on suicide. 'Comparative Linguistics...'
S1: Can we make up our own case studies? About porn? Like, you go in and someone's jacking off and what would you do?
C: Join in?
S1: What? ...it's more realistic than the ones that she gave us.
K1: My mum sends me clippings from Oprah's magazine. I send them back. It's been going on for five years...she's like, 'there's this article in O, I think you need to buy it.' I'm like, 'I'm not buying Oprah's magazine.'
C: I didn't even know she had a magazine.
K1: It's called O.
K1: I had a really crazy dream last night. I dreamt I was really good at filling inter-library loans, and everyone was impressed.
C: This program's going to turn me to drink.
S2: This program's already turned me to drink.
C: You didn't drink before?
S2: Well, ok, I did drink before. I never used to drink while doing course readings and assignments. Are you writing this down? Jesus...Before I used to drink for social purposes and now it's to blunt the unbearableness of it all. Oh jesus, you're writing that down too. Wow, everyone who knows who S2 is, is going to think I'm an alcoholic. Note to facebook people: that was for satirical purposes.
C: There, I recorded your defense as well.
S2: Ok. Thank you...Now you're quoting me for thanking you for quoting me before...how meta- is this going to get? Oh jesus...I give up.
S1: You dreamt that thing?
C: Yes.
S1: You know it's going to kill you now. In your sleep. Yeah, you're doomed.
J1: Maybe it was. Maybe it was a library drinking game that turned into an article.
J1: So, you have the castrati, who gets castrated so he can sing really high, but he's, like, useless as a man...
V: *laughs* 'Useless as a man.'
M2: 'Useless as a man:' that's pretty brutal.
V: I used to walk around HMV with my fingers like this and do all my tasks like Yoda. the person with their DVDs would be like 'what's going on?' I'd be like 'Happy you are with your purchases?'
V: My pen's dying.
J1: My pen's dying too. As we speak.
C: Hm, rampant pen death.
V: They seem to have a suicide pact.
J1; She only writes down stuff she considers funny. It's not like...
P1: 'I'm seriously considering killing myself. I've bought a gun.'
S2: 'Oh, that's so funny!'
P1: Oh. I thought you said 'because your abs are so tight.
B4: No. I don't say that sort of thing.
P1: I was like 'Are there naked pictures on the internet I don't know about? S***...
S2: What? You didn't say anything about 'Do not distribute widely.'
P1: Those pictures were private between you, me, and your mom.
B1: ...See, I think people want to be controlled.
C: Is that why you keep asking about negative motivational skills?
B1: Yes. I wrote in my leadership essay...
C: You're creepy.
B1: You're one to talk.
C: I'm not creepy. I just help create cults devoted to means of lifting heavy objects. That's not creepy; that's weird.
C: 'Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely, God is corrupt'?
P1: Yes.
B1: Exactly.
C: The Divine Forklift is not corrupt.
P: It just lifts things. And puts them on a higher level. Moves things around...
B1: I do actually find that my brain is less good.
P1: Exactly: you just said "less good."
P1: I hate Piglet and Rabbit. Those are the people I would kill. Like, Piglet: get a fucking life. Rabbit: get a fucking life.
A1: I remember in grade 8 I asked a guy to dance and he said 'I'm tired.'
P1: And then he danced with another girl?
A1: No. Worse. I went downstairs and found him jumping on a pogo stick.
February 14, 2008: At the dollar store, they have the creepiest underwear for 99c
AK: J, you have a black thumb.
J: Hey, which one of us kept a golf course in pristine condition?
CG: If you have a contingent of El Salvadorians around, for your bonsai...
..
US: We'll get you a chia pet.
J: I thought you didn't have to water bonsai, though. Aren't there some plants you don't have to water?
S: Yeah, dead ones.
J: I got cut from the juggling team in elementary school. It's not a joke. It's not funny....no, they did it by last name! Everyone from T to Z...
S: You probably have a federal discrimination case against them.
J: ------- Elementary School is going down!!!
mum: Those lightbulbs have mercury in them.
CW: So I've been poisoning myself?
mum: Well, the whole planet.
S: That is so like a parent: to show off your closet.
CW: Yeah, I cleaned it just because of that.
dad: Yeah, they came up with pagers at Nortel for a while. It was supposed to be a status symbol, but I wasn't so convinced, because the only people I knew who had pagers before were pizza delivery guys. No doubt contributing members of society...
CG: Once it gets to a certain temperature, C talks about himself in the third person.
CW: Apparently.
CG: C doesn't appreciate your tone!
mum: This is what married people do. Order something and then split.
S: What I want to know is who's the bitch.
CG: I'm the man. I'm taller.
J: That is a hasty generalization.
CG: I have delicate supple piano hands. Like I'm going to break them on someone's face.
J: I think Hollywood's in need of a new redhead.
CG: As opposed to what, like, Carrot Top?
K: Who wants a picture of themselves sitting on a toilet, on the internet?
J: No, what I'm saying is my goal is to be so famous that someone would want a picture of that.
K: The idea is, when you have a really sick sheep, you go up to it, go AAAAAH!, and it falls down dead. Done.
CG: Whenever a friend of mine and I are bored, we make sexy faces at each other and it'ts really funny because we don't take ourselves seriously. It's very 'Rufus Wainwright brooding'.
CG: You're funny in a man way but not in a chick way.
J: What's that? I'm funny in a man way but not in a chick way?
S: Like locker room, but not smooth.
CG: Like 'If I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?'
J: Oh. Yeah. I get you. I get it.
CG: Yeah. Don't use it.
CG: What?! It's not my fault I sound like Julie Andrews in each and every way! ... and there it comes. From now on I'm going to say things just to see if you put them in your book. Frumblestumpits.
CG: Oh, I have a canker sore.
J: Bite it.
CW: Thanks for sharing.
J: Bite it off!!
CG: Oh, like, what did we have tonight? 'Why do we have earwax? So bees can fly in your ear!" Screw you!
J: Bite it off!
__________________________
P: You must have some good shit. Some unpublishable shit.
P: You know what's worse, though? Eat shit and live.
A1: That's true...
P: Because then you'd know what shit tastes like.
S7: Like 'Pink Flamingoes.'...
A!: Oh, I successfully filtered once today. Don't I get a fucking sticker?
P: What?
A1: Speech.
P: What?
A1: I'm totally verbally incontinent most of the time.....
****CENSORED***
A1: C, this is a grown-up conversation; it can't go on facebook.
P: We can't stress that enough.
P: I just think she's (J1) hiding something....She's the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. I'd like to check her thetan levels. That sounded weirdly sexual, and it's not. Stop writing this fucking shit down!!!
P: I can fit a loonie in my nose.
S7: What?
P: A loonie. Our one dollar coin.
S7: I know.
P: I wasn't sure if you knew what a loonie was.
S7: No, I was just in awe.
P: I don't usually feel...I've never felt the urge to sniff my crotch. For cleanliness or any other reason.
A1: You'd make a terrible cat.
P: Mrw.
P: You don't want to know. She almost gouged her eyes out....my favourite 'User needs' ever.
C: ...Why do people keep destroying my innocence?
P: Because it's so easy.
C: That's true.
C: Apparently the adults called me "Sunshine" when I was seven.
P: Yeah..you don't look...
A1: You look like an Edward Gorey cartoon.
P: You look like if your parents had told you you could have a dark room upstairs to play in, you would have said 'my life is a dark room. A big, dark room.'
P: Did you ever ask your parents if you were adopted?
A1: No, but I knew my brother was for several years.
P: You knew?...was he?
A1: No.
A1: I fell on my ass today.
C: Oh. That's funny.
A1: I fell over and it was like whoop! and my coffee didn't spill. It was like getting spanked by the sidewalk.
A1: C's not in control. She acts like she is, but she's not. Look at her. It's like tickling her, but you're not.
A1: I'm momentarily inclined to find you rainbow bright laces but you probably wouldn't wear them. You'd probably strangle a small animal with them. What is wrong with my head, C? I'm like, mrr....maybe a squirrel.
V: It's like a continuing(?) education arts college. Except they teach courses like...
S5: How to be a Better Man!
V: Yeah, or, The Philosophy of Love since Romeo and Juliet...
J1: P***'s like your wall-whore. It's always like P---P---P---
C: Yeah, but that's because I sat beside him for two classes, and you know he doesn't shut up.
V: That's true. It's hard to concentrate. He's always in your ear, like a gnat.
S5: It makes me nervous when she writes.
J1: You get used to it.
S5: ...it used to be I was counting how many times I showed up, and I had to figure out which S I was...because it took me a while to get into them, and now there's pressure to be funny...
V: I love how every real life situation can be related to a Star Trek episode.
S1: ...and creepy mascots! That guy is scary up close! He's huge! he's got these bumps and these soulless black eyes...
C2: I really need to up my facebook stalkage of people, like yourself.
G: Did I do anything embarrassing? Because I don't remember...
L: Oh yeah, I meant to reprimand you for humping me so much...
S1: I have this irrational fear that my nose will get frostbitten and they'll have to cut it off. I don't know! 'Cause it's so far out there! I should wear a facemask or something. I don't want to look like Michael Jackson!
J1: I came here, basically, for a guy...
M2: That's not a valid reason.
J1: That's not a valid reason at all J***!.. Personal reasons? Location....
C: Yeah, location, that sounds better.
J1: We have all these personal variables, like, is that personal experience? "J*** wants to get laid"....we can just pretend I came here for other things.....I think I'd have been completely miserable if I'd have stayed at Western. Can you imagine me not getting laid in this program?
J1: My library blew up because of my strategic plan. It was terrible. My imaginary library. Heaps of rubble...
V: ...so, like in an archives interview I was explaining how eroticism in storytelling somehow provided a cure for the plague...but only in a very metaphorical way...
V: I like the ones where all the male genitalia are related in bird terms...
V: Do you think I look like a Star Trek character because my vest has wide shoulders? I kind of feel like a Kardian right now...
J1: Didn't you say everything relates to Star Trek?
V: Fucking eh. Like the entire state of the U.S. right now can be explained by the episode called 'The Drum Head.'
S5: I was telling people you're going to be my best friend in Ottawa this summer.
C: Oh yeah?
S5: I should probably check with you about that, huh? I was telling P** and he was like 'Did you ask her?' I said 'No...'
J1: Hey C, remember laughter? Remember laughing? I remember I used to smile...
J1: Have you noticed that as our classes get less and less interesting, the number of guest speakers rise?
J1: I thought if I did that I'd lose another chunk of soul. I've already lost a lot, but I thought I would lose another sizeable chunk...
M3: I like the visual in that.
S2: That's true; you only have so much; you need to pace it. It has to last for a year and a half more.
J1: Maybe it'll inspire me.
C: Inspiration? Here?
J1: That's what I'm hoping. Always a little bit of hope yet.
C&P: Really?
J1: It's probably because I didn't do the leadership paper...
P: ..what kind of paper IS it, anyway? It sounds like the second question of a McDonalds interview...
S2: Did you just tell me to quit whining?
C: Yes.
P: Yeah, she's a fucking whore...oh, come on, I bet there's not a lot you wouldn't do for books.
C: ....Probably not.
P: You thought about it... 'You want that? It's gonna cost you a first edition." ...I'd want to be a pimp to prostitutes like that...
C: I actually did end up talking about L. Ron Hubbard in my essay.
G: You did?
R2: I thanked the senior citizen's association for their generous donation of the elevator.
C: Seriously??
G: ...I was tempted to talk about Hitler, but I decided I didn't have the balls.
R2: Actually, I kind of like that class. I stay awake in that class. Of course, the reason I stay awake is that I'm trying to think of things to put in our killer robot drawings, but...
P: Anytime you want to hear about me and diarrhea, you know who to ask.
C: Why are you sitting near him?
P: First of all, I came in late, so I sat near her; second of all, fuck you!
S7: At the dollar store, they have the creepiest underwear for 99 cents.
P: What does it say?
S7: It doesn't say anything. It's got these cut out lips...
P: Is it like around the crotch and there's a hole?
S7: Yes.
P: NO!!! Oh my god...
P: ...like, imagine a guy shows up and pulls down his pants and is like 'Oh baby' and all you can focus on is there's lips around his cock. Whose lips? ...Or the girl wears them and the guy's like 'Are there teeth behind there? That's not erotic; that's creepy' .....
P: She is so defensive!
C: 'If you don't like your mark, I'll give you a hug!'
P: Is it weird that my interview took place in bed?
C: That's awesome.
P: Between two guys?
P: I see stars!
C: Have you been taking drugs?
P: No, I just looked at my chest. Voïvod made me see stars.
P: There's keeners, like you, and then there's fucked up, insane people....then again, there's psychopaths like you...
P: I couldn't make fun of W**'s scarf if I was sitting there.
C What's wrong with her scarf?
P: She's indoors. She thinks she's Corey Hart. He wears sunglasses indoors.
C: Who's Corey Hart?
P: *pats shoulder* Read your Kierkegaard.
C: If you go by Julius Caesar, then you bring the users up to your level. That's why Marc Antony's speech was more successful than Brutus'.
P: I've never read Julius Caesar.
C: Oh. Well. Brutus does a speech in prose, like, bringing himself down to the pleb's level, but Marc Antony speaks in iambic pentameter, and they like it better.....oh god, I am such a nerd.
P: Yes. Yes you are.
bartlett: You must turn on the oven before you out your cake in if you want it to bake. It's not really an optional thing.
P: Stabme'tilIdieplease.
"I think it's inappropriate to say we're dumbing down our language, because if you're trying to communicate, and you're not, then you're the one that's dumb."
P: Eroticism is also good. It isn't really just about sex; it's all about stuff we desire...he talks about how Jesus crucified is erotic. And shit and piss and death. And we wouldn't be so disgusted by it if we weren't attracted to it...
C: Shit and piss I don't get. And crucifixion is funny...
P: You weren't there when we had that conversation? A** and I decided that we want kids so much that we started pretending our bear was alive...
S2: That is some messed up shit, P***.
A1: They're watching horror films all day today, I think. That's their Valentine's Day.
C: That's classy.
A1: That's love. Slasher films...I was thinking of watching Carrie today or something. Red!
C: Festive...
R3: I thought you were talking about where to find dates and then I realized, chocolate...what the hell, PharmaPrix?
A1: Those guys who come for wart removal kits can really get you off...
R3: I was like, if it's that bad, why can't I get a date?...
R3: Is she your advisor?
A1: Yes.
R3: You'll get an A.
C: Library school is destroying all my illusions.
A1: Oh yeah, I had hardcore fantasies of masochism before I came here..
C: That wasn't really what I meant...
A1: You know what would be a good outing today? Going to a pet store and petting all the puppies and kittens.
C: I like looking at the spiders.
A1: ....We could feed one to a kitten!
C: *nods enthusiastically* It's always so cute when there's like one leg left, twitching...
A1: P*** and I had a grownup conversation.
Q: P** doesn't do anything grownup. Adult.
A1: Oh yes he does.
Q: Adult. Like the adult section of a video store.
A1: Knowing that gay people get married makes heterosexual people feel unhappy.
Q: I think it's hot.
A1: I know you do.
on mediocre:
A1: It's like a window without Windex!
S5: P*** and A*** pretend they have a fake child, who is a stuffed bear.
Q: We were just talking about Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
S5: And it has a facebook page they've got with pictures of it and everything..it's called AB. And we're all friends with it on facebook, and of course P*** responds and is like 'you're not one of P**'s stupid friends, are you?'
V: Can't they get a cat?
K1: He's just got too much time on his hands....
S5: That probably informs the hotness factor. The puberty thing. Yay! Puberty makes boys hot! yay!....and she's writing it. I'm secretly glad you don't tag me in your notes.
C: You guys would have really cute kids, though.
S5: We would. We wouldn't like them very much, though.
J: Hey, which one of us kept a golf course in pristine condition?
CG: If you have a contingent of El Salvadorians around, for your bonsai...
..
US: We'll get you a chia pet.
J: I thought you didn't have to water bonsai, though. Aren't there some plants you don't have to water?
S: Yeah, dead ones.
J: I got cut from the juggling team in elementary school. It's not a joke. It's not funny....no, they did it by last name! Everyone from T to Z...
S: You probably have a federal discrimination case against them.
J: ------- Elementary School is going down!!!
mum: Those lightbulbs have mercury in them.
CW: So I've been poisoning myself?
mum: Well, the whole planet.
S: That is so like a parent: to show off your closet.
CW: Yeah, I cleaned it just because of that.
dad: Yeah, they came up with pagers at Nortel for a while. It was supposed to be a status symbol, but I wasn't so convinced, because the only people I knew who had pagers before were pizza delivery guys. No doubt contributing members of society...
CG: Once it gets to a certain temperature, C talks about himself in the third person.
CW: Apparently.
CG: C doesn't appreciate your tone!
mum: This is what married people do. Order something and then split.
S: What I want to know is who's the bitch.
CG: I'm the man. I'm taller.
J: That is a hasty generalization.
CG: I have delicate supple piano hands. Like I'm going to break them on someone's face.
J: I think Hollywood's in need of a new redhead.
CG: As opposed to what, like, Carrot Top?
K: Who wants a picture of themselves sitting on a toilet, on the internet?
J: No, what I'm saying is my goal is to be so famous that someone would want a picture of that.
K: The idea is, when you have a really sick sheep, you go up to it, go AAAAAH!, and it falls down dead. Done.
CG: Whenever a friend of mine and I are bored, we make sexy faces at each other and it'ts really funny because we don't take ourselves seriously. It's very 'Rufus Wainwright brooding'.
CG: You're funny in a man way but not in a chick way.
J: What's that? I'm funny in a man way but not in a chick way?
S: Like locker room, but not smooth.
CG: Like 'If I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?'
J: Oh. Yeah. I get you. I get it.
CG: Yeah. Don't use it.
CG: What?! It's not my fault I sound like Julie Andrews in each and every way! ... and there it comes. From now on I'm going to say things just to see if you put them in your book. Frumblestumpits.
CG: Oh, I have a canker sore.
J: Bite it.
CW: Thanks for sharing.
J: Bite it off!!
CG: Oh, like, what did we have tonight? 'Why do we have earwax? So bees can fly in your ear!" Screw you!
J: Bite it off!
__________________________
P: You must have some good shit. Some unpublishable shit.
P: You know what's worse, though? Eat shit and live.
A1: That's true...
P: Because then you'd know what shit tastes like.
S7: Like 'Pink Flamingoes.'...
A!: Oh, I successfully filtered once today. Don't I get a fucking sticker?
P: What?
A1: Speech.
P: What?
A1: I'm totally verbally incontinent most of the time.....
****CENSORED***
A1: C, this is a grown-up conversation; it can't go on facebook.
P: We can't stress that enough.
P: I just think she's (J1) hiding something....She's the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. I'd like to check her thetan levels. That sounded weirdly sexual, and it's not. Stop writing this fucking shit down!!!
P: I can fit a loonie in my nose.
S7: What?
P: A loonie. Our one dollar coin.
S7: I know.
P: I wasn't sure if you knew what a loonie was.
S7: No, I was just in awe.
P: I don't usually feel...I've never felt the urge to sniff my crotch. For cleanliness or any other reason.
A1: You'd make a terrible cat.
P: Mrw.
P: You don't want to know. She almost gouged her eyes out....my favourite 'User needs' ever.
C: ...Why do people keep destroying my innocence?
P: Because it's so easy.
C: That's true.
C: Apparently the adults called me "Sunshine" when I was seven.
P: Yeah..you don't look...
A1: You look like an Edward Gorey cartoon.
P: You look like if your parents had told you you could have a dark room upstairs to play in, you would have said 'my life is a dark room. A big, dark room.'
P: Did you ever ask your parents if you were adopted?
A1: No, but I knew my brother was for several years.
P: You knew?...was he?
A1: No.
A1: I fell on my ass today.
C: Oh. That's funny.
A1: I fell over and it was like whoop! and my coffee didn't spill. It was like getting spanked by the sidewalk.
A1: C's not in control. She acts like she is, but she's not. Look at her. It's like tickling her, but you're not.
A1: I'm momentarily inclined to find you rainbow bright laces but you probably wouldn't wear them. You'd probably strangle a small animal with them. What is wrong with my head, C? I'm like, mrr....maybe a squirrel.
V: It's like a continuing(?) education arts college. Except they teach courses like...
S5: How to be a Better Man!
V: Yeah, or, The Philosophy of Love since Romeo and Juliet...
J1: P***'s like your wall-whore. It's always like P---P---P---
C: Yeah, but that's because I sat beside him for two classes, and you know he doesn't shut up.
V: That's true. It's hard to concentrate. He's always in your ear, like a gnat.
S5: It makes me nervous when she writes.
J1: You get used to it.
S5: ...it used to be I was counting how many times I showed up, and I had to figure out which S I was...because it took me a while to get into them, and now there's pressure to be funny...
V: I love how every real life situation can be related to a Star Trek episode.
S1: ...and creepy mascots! That guy is scary up close! He's huge! he's got these bumps and these soulless black eyes...
C2: I really need to up my facebook stalkage of people, like yourself.
G: Did I do anything embarrassing? Because I don't remember...
L: Oh yeah, I meant to reprimand you for humping me so much...
S1: I have this irrational fear that my nose will get frostbitten and they'll have to cut it off. I don't know! 'Cause it's so far out there! I should wear a facemask or something. I don't want to look like Michael Jackson!
J1: I came here, basically, for a guy...
M2: That's not a valid reason.
J1: That's not a valid reason at all J***!.. Personal reasons? Location....
C: Yeah, location, that sounds better.
J1: We have all these personal variables, like, is that personal experience? "J*** wants to get laid"....we can just pretend I came here for other things.....I think I'd have been completely miserable if I'd have stayed at Western. Can you imagine me not getting laid in this program?
J1: My library blew up because of my strategic plan. It was terrible. My imaginary library. Heaps of rubble...
V: ...so, like in an archives interview I was explaining how eroticism in storytelling somehow provided a cure for the plague...but only in a very metaphorical way...
V: I like the ones where all the male genitalia are related in bird terms...
V: Do you think I look like a Star Trek character because my vest has wide shoulders? I kind of feel like a Kardian right now...
J1: Didn't you say everything relates to Star Trek?
V: Fucking eh. Like the entire state of the U.S. right now can be explained by the episode called 'The Drum Head.'
S5: I was telling people you're going to be my best friend in Ottawa this summer.
C: Oh yeah?
S5: I should probably check with you about that, huh? I was telling P** and he was like 'Did you ask her?' I said 'No...'
J1: Hey C, remember laughter? Remember laughing? I remember I used to smile...
J1: Have you noticed that as our classes get less and less interesting, the number of guest speakers rise?
J1: I thought if I did that I'd lose another chunk of soul. I've already lost a lot, but I thought I would lose another sizeable chunk...
M3: I like the visual in that.
S2: That's true; you only have so much; you need to pace it. It has to last for a year and a half more.
J1: Maybe it'll inspire me.
C: Inspiration? Here?
J1: That's what I'm hoping. Always a little bit of hope yet.
C&P: Really?
J1: It's probably because I didn't do the leadership paper...
P: ..what kind of paper IS it, anyway? It sounds like the second question of a McDonalds interview...
S2: Did you just tell me to quit whining?
C: Yes.
P: Yeah, she's a fucking whore...oh, come on, I bet there's not a lot you wouldn't do for books.
C: ....Probably not.
P: You thought about it... 'You want that? It's gonna cost you a first edition." ...I'd want to be a pimp to prostitutes like that...
C: I actually did end up talking about L. Ron Hubbard in my essay.
G: You did?
R2: I thanked the senior citizen's association for their generous donation of the elevator.
C: Seriously??
G: ...I was tempted to talk about Hitler, but I decided I didn't have the balls.
R2: Actually, I kind of like that class. I stay awake in that class. Of course, the reason I stay awake is that I'm trying to think of things to put in our killer robot drawings, but...
P: Anytime you want to hear about me and diarrhea, you know who to ask.
C: Why are you sitting near him?
P: First of all, I came in late, so I sat near her; second of all, fuck you!
S7: At the dollar store, they have the creepiest underwear for 99 cents.
P: What does it say?
S7: It doesn't say anything. It's got these cut out lips...
P: Is it like around the crotch and there's a hole?
S7: Yes.
P: NO!!! Oh my god...
P: ...like, imagine a guy shows up and pulls down his pants and is like 'Oh baby' and all you can focus on is there's lips around his cock. Whose lips? ...Or the girl wears them and the guy's like 'Are there teeth behind there? That's not erotic; that's creepy' .....
P: She is so defensive!
C: 'If you don't like your mark, I'll give you a hug!'
P: Is it weird that my interview took place in bed?
C: That's awesome.
P: Between two guys?
P: I see stars!
C: Have you been taking drugs?
P: No, I just looked at my chest. Voïvod made me see stars.
P: There's keeners, like you, and then there's fucked up, insane people....then again, there's psychopaths like you...
P: I couldn't make fun of W**'s scarf if I was sitting there.
C What's wrong with her scarf?
P: She's indoors. She thinks she's Corey Hart. He wears sunglasses indoors.
C: Who's Corey Hart?
P: *pats shoulder* Read your Kierkegaard.
C: If you go by Julius Caesar, then you bring the users up to your level. That's why Marc Antony's speech was more successful than Brutus'.
P: I've never read Julius Caesar.
C: Oh. Well. Brutus does a speech in prose, like, bringing himself down to the pleb's level, but Marc Antony speaks in iambic pentameter, and they like it better.....oh god, I am such a nerd.
P: Yes. Yes you are.
bartlett: You must turn on the oven before you out your cake in if you want it to bake. It's not really an optional thing.
P: Stabme'tilIdieplease.
"I think it's inappropriate to say we're dumbing down our language, because if you're trying to communicate, and you're not, then you're the one that's dumb."
P: Eroticism is also good. It isn't really just about sex; it's all about stuff we desire...he talks about how Jesus crucified is erotic. And shit and piss and death. And we wouldn't be so disgusted by it if we weren't attracted to it...
C: Shit and piss I don't get. And crucifixion is funny...
P: You weren't there when we had that conversation? A** and I decided that we want kids so much that we started pretending our bear was alive...
S2: That is some messed up shit, P***.
A1: They're watching horror films all day today, I think. That's their Valentine's Day.
C: That's classy.
A1: That's love. Slasher films...I was thinking of watching Carrie today or something. Red!
C: Festive...
R3: I thought you were talking about where to find dates and then I realized, chocolate...what the hell, PharmaPrix?
A1: Those guys who come for wart removal kits can really get you off...
R3: I was like, if it's that bad, why can't I get a date?...
R3: Is she your advisor?
A1: Yes.
R3: You'll get an A.
C: Library school is destroying all my illusions.
A1: Oh yeah, I had hardcore fantasies of masochism before I came here..
C: That wasn't really what I meant...
A1: You know what would be a good outing today? Going to a pet store and petting all the puppies and kittens.
C: I like looking at the spiders.
A1: ....We could feed one to a kitten!
C: *nods enthusiastically* It's always so cute when there's like one leg left, twitching...
A1: P*** and I had a grownup conversation.
Q: P** doesn't do anything grownup. Adult.
A1: Oh yes he does.
Q: Adult. Like the adult section of a video store.
A1: Knowing that gay people get married makes heterosexual people feel unhappy.
Q: I think it's hot.
A1: I know you do.
on mediocre:
A1: It's like a window without Windex!
S5: P*** and A*** pretend they have a fake child, who is a stuffed bear.
Q: We were just talking about Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
S5: And it has a facebook page they've got with pictures of it and everything..it's called AB. And we're all friends with it on facebook, and of course P*** responds and is like 'you're not one of P**'s stupid friends, are you?'
V: Can't they get a cat?
K1: He's just got too much time on his hands....
S5: That probably informs the hotness factor. The puberty thing. Yay! Puberty makes boys hot! yay!....and she's writing it. I'm secretly glad you don't tag me in your notes.
C: You guys would have really cute kids, though.
S5: We would. We wouldn't like them very much, though.
February 8, 2008: I just hope you use your library degree for good and not evil
M1: They're driving in today and leaving tomorrow afternoon.
T: All this for poutine?
M1: And spores.
A1: The Cuban Revolution?
C: I feel I should learn something while I'm here.
A1: You could learn the proper method of cutting your wrists.
C: Ok..
A1: I think P*** would agree.
A1: Oh my god, you've got food!
C: Yep.
A1: And you borrowed a book form the library. The recession is hitting you...
C: I have to talk about leadership.
A1: Honey, you're a pioneer in weirdness. You can do that.
C: But the only thing I've ever led is the Cult of the Divine Forklift and various other imaginary pantheons.
A1: So, go with that. You're leading.
A1: You could pretend that you're not you, but a Spartan commander in the Peloponnesian War. Leadership abilities: 'I can strangle a man with two fingers. I can rape hundreds of women in half the time those Persians can. Disseminating my seed across the continent...killing people...I inspire fear...'
Ok, so we've got raping, killing, inspiring fear...'I store fat well. I can survive on long marches. I'm like a camel'....I'd love to write this paper.
...in spite of the fact that you're a serial rapist, some woman has to find you attractive, so you can marry well. She'll be inbred, but she'll come with money. History degrees: not a complete waste of time....you can say your sperm only have Y chromosomes, so you only father sons. You come with an entourage of men!
A1: I think you have latent leadership qualities. People swarm around you, and say stupid things. And you record them. People who spew shit are good leaders; you don't spew shit, you just intake it...
C: Ew.
A1: So what qualities did she say were in a leader?
C: ...motivational?
A1: I'm motivated to say stupid shit around you...hard worker. You'll give up food for books...Enthusiastic.
C: What?
A1: Well, obsessed.
A1: It sounds like a comic. C, literature obsessed geek at KFC! Chicken-fryer by day, hardcore intellectual by night! Secretly wears a pocket protector in her KFC uniform! "What's that in your pocket? Is it a remote control?" "No! It's a Latin dictionary!"
C: I do have a pocket sized Latin dictionary, actually.
A1: Me too. I love it.
A1: That's a leadership ability. Even though you buy books instead of food, you never steal people's granola bars.
C: And can go eight days without food. Just like the Spartan commander.
A1: If only you could master the raping.
A1: Raise good leaders by throwing unfit babies off cliffs. "I do not cry when I throw babies off cliffs. I am a good leader."
A1: You could find episodes of it on YouTube and base your essay on Brain's leadership skills. 'Hire stupid people who worship you. Consistently.'
C: I could write about Zeus's leadership qualities.
A1: More rape.
A1: Evolutionary, we're not that far off. If you look at the men in our library class, they totally could be raping, pillaging...except Pierre. He'd be, like, an assassin or something.
C: Yeah, I could see him being something sneaky.
A1: Yeah, like a mole. Something biting and weaselly...
C: ..so I've decided that when I die, it's going to be from falling off something. I decided it was a premonition.
A1: I think I'm going to be impaled.
A1: It's not my fault your most important part of you is outside you.
C: It's your fault you tried to steal it.
A1: It's like you have a finger on a necklace.
C: Ew.
A1: Only worse.
C: No it isn't. A finger would rot.
A1: Soul.
C: My soul doesn't rot.
A1: I disagree. All things rot...I need to stop taking medication..
C: You didn't die your hair grey.
K: Come in with a cane...
G: Oh yeah...we were talking about that yesterday.
S1: ....wear Depends...
G: ..I come in, with this suspicious outline under my pants...
B2: You could always point to "The Joys of the Missionary Position," but it's probably a really thin book...
Y: I don't follow a regular bellcurve. My bell goes ding when it should dong.
M4: I remember in grade 8 when we had to do this collage and everyone was doing these, like, nice cute pictures and I did a collage of serial killers from the past 100 years or something...
P: I seem to have gotten this reputation for being lazy and irresponsible. I don't care and I don't function well during the day. It's not my fault: L. Ron Hubbard made me this way! I'm using that more and more...
C: S**** made me.
P: You have no free will. She made you and I bet L. Ron Hubbard made her make you..
C: I have to say, I've seen more attractive pictures of topless men. Why are you zooming in on the nipple?
P: I didn't notice the magnifying glass. It's weird, though. I always notice when a guy's nipples are hard. Like on television or in real life...I have nipple hard-on radar...
P: Apparently like eight people in the world are descendents of the Mongol hordes because they did a lot of raping.
C: That's leadership.
P: Write about that. Yeah. Write about that and let me know how it goes.
P: I made you skip. I'm awesome.
P: I would buy enemas if Bell made them.
P: I'll smear it with feces.
C: It's a large building.
P: I have a lot of feces. You'd be surprised.
P: What do you think of my idea to call my twins Horatio and Fellatio?
D5: I think it's a terrible idea.
P: Why?
D5: I think those are terrible names. Especially Horatio.
P: Old Montreal is like Old Quebec. On welfare.
P: D5 has like Star Trek radar. C and I are finding like DeSade and Pushkin, and D5's like "L. Ron Hubbard!"
C: It's all P***'s fault. He forced me to skip. Mentioning bookstores like that...
S1: I feel like I'm joining the dark side.
C: I know.
S1: "Luuuuke, I am your faaatheeer."
S1: Where's your notebook.
C: :( In my apartment.
S1: It's like you're naked or something. It's probably crying right now.
S1: P*** didn't drop out, did he?
C: No, he's just been skipping.
S1: Like, every week? That's awesome.
S1: After this class, I just want to take a shower for, like six hours...
S1: I also think that B*** wants to be a dictator of a small country because he keeps on asking questions about negative motivational skills...
J1: I'm so glad I know what our entire class feels about leadership now.
S2: Alright, I'd better go exhibit leadership.
J1: Have fun. Make sure to be authoritative, but not too authoritative.
S2: Dammit, my authoritative stance isn't working!
C2: Take your shit.
S2: That's it! You're fired! Pack your bags and go!
C2: Suck it!!!!
J1: I'm going to have to sleep with that under my pillow and absorb it.
C: That's creepy.
J1: I'm kidding.
B1: I wrote 3500 words.
C: That's too long.
B1: Yeah, I have to cut some.
C: I hate you. I have 1600.
B1: Yeah, I started it early because I knew I'd be dead today..
C: I hate you again.
B1: You really don't lie very often, do you? You must be fun at parties.
S2: I'm not going to say don't let anyone take my bag for crack money, but...
C: So I can sell it for crack money?
S2: No. You can't. But if big burly guys come in looking for crack...
C: Are you saying you like big burly guys better than you like me?
S2: I was thinking more of the threat of physical force...
C: Yeah. Sure. You just have a thing for big burly guys. I know you.
S2: Right.
S2: I just wrote about my two leaders. Now I get to write about me. Shit.
Q: I just hope you use your library degree for good and not evil.
S2: How would I use a library job for evil?
Q: I'm not telling you!!
C: You're not even under your real initial. I don't tag you. You're fine.
Q: I can still see you blackmailing me.
Q: What are you writing now?! It makes me nervous when she writes. Oh shit, I'm talking to her.
S2: This is so cheesy.
Q: If you were a cheese, what kind of cheese would you be?
C: Havarti.
Q: Havarti?
L: Mmm. I love havarti...I feel like I'd be mozzarella or something.
Q: Good, servicable...
L: Gets around...
T: All this for poutine?
M1: And spores.
A1: The Cuban Revolution?
C: I feel I should learn something while I'm here.
A1: You could learn the proper method of cutting your wrists.
C: Ok..
A1: I think P*** would agree.
A1: Oh my god, you've got food!
C: Yep.
A1: And you borrowed a book form the library. The recession is hitting you...
C: I have to talk about leadership.
A1: Honey, you're a pioneer in weirdness. You can do that.
C: But the only thing I've ever led is the Cult of the Divine Forklift and various other imaginary pantheons.
A1: So, go with that. You're leading.
A1: You could pretend that you're not you, but a Spartan commander in the Peloponnesian War. Leadership abilities: 'I can strangle a man with two fingers. I can rape hundreds of women in half the time those Persians can. Disseminating my seed across the continent...killing people...I inspire fear...'
Ok, so we've got raping, killing, inspiring fear...'I store fat well. I can survive on long marches. I'm like a camel'....I'd love to write this paper.
...in spite of the fact that you're a serial rapist, some woman has to find you attractive, so you can marry well. She'll be inbred, but she'll come with money. History degrees: not a complete waste of time....you can say your sperm only have Y chromosomes, so you only father sons. You come with an entourage of men!
A1: I think you have latent leadership qualities. People swarm around you, and say stupid things. And you record them. People who spew shit are good leaders; you don't spew shit, you just intake it...
C: Ew.
A1: So what qualities did she say were in a leader?
C: ...motivational?
A1: I'm motivated to say stupid shit around you...hard worker. You'll give up food for books...Enthusiastic.
C: What?
A1: Well, obsessed.
A1: It sounds like a comic. C, literature obsessed geek at KFC! Chicken-fryer by day, hardcore intellectual by night! Secretly wears a pocket protector in her KFC uniform! "What's that in your pocket? Is it a remote control?" "No! It's a Latin dictionary!"
C: I do have a pocket sized Latin dictionary, actually.
A1: Me too. I love it.
A1: That's a leadership ability. Even though you buy books instead of food, you never steal people's granola bars.
C: And can go eight days without food. Just like the Spartan commander.
A1: If only you could master the raping.
A1: Raise good leaders by throwing unfit babies off cliffs. "I do not cry when I throw babies off cliffs. I am a good leader."
A1: You could find episodes of it on YouTube and base your essay on Brain's leadership skills. 'Hire stupid people who worship you. Consistently.'
C: I could write about Zeus's leadership qualities.
A1: More rape.
A1: Evolutionary, we're not that far off. If you look at the men in our library class, they totally could be raping, pillaging...except Pierre. He'd be, like, an assassin or something.
C: Yeah, I could see him being something sneaky.
A1: Yeah, like a mole. Something biting and weaselly...
C: ..so I've decided that when I die, it's going to be from falling off something. I decided it was a premonition.
A1: I think I'm going to be impaled.
A1: It's not my fault your most important part of you is outside you.
C: It's your fault you tried to steal it.
A1: It's like you have a finger on a necklace.
C: Ew.
A1: Only worse.
C: No it isn't. A finger would rot.
A1: Soul.
C: My soul doesn't rot.
A1: I disagree. All things rot...I need to stop taking medication..
C: You didn't die your hair grey.
K: Come in with a cane...
G: Oh yeah...we were talking about that yesterday.
S1: ....wear Depends...
G: ..I come in, with this suspicious outline under my pants...
B2: You could always point to "The Joys of the Missionary Position," but it's probably a really thin book...
Y: I don't follow a regular bellcurve. My bell goes ding when it should dong.
M4: I remember in grade 8 when we had to do this collage and everyone was doing these, like, nice cute pictures and I did a collage of serial killers from the past 100 years or something...
P: I seem to have gotten this reputation for being lazy and irresponsible. I don't care and I don't function well during the day. It's not my fault: L. Ron Hubbard made me this way! I'm using that more and more...
C: S**** made me.
P: You have no free will. She made you and I bet L. Ron Hubbard made her make you..
C: I have to say, I've seen more attractive pictures of topless men. Why are you zooming in on the nipple?
P: I didn't notice the magnifying glass. It's weird, though. I always notice when a guy's nipples are hard. Like on television or in real life...I have nipple hard-on radar...
P: Apparently like eight people in the world are descendents of the Mongol hordes because they did a lot of raping.
C: That's leadership.
P: Write about that. Yeah. Write about that and let me know how it goes.
P: I made you skip. I'm awesome.
P: I would buy enemas if Bell made them.
P: I'll smear it with feces.
C: It's a large building.
P: I have a lot of feces. You'd be surprised.
P: What do you think of my idea to call my twins Horatio and Fellatio?
D5: I think it's a terrible idea.
P: Why?
D5: I think those are terrible names. Especially Horatio.
P: Old Montreal is like Old Quebec. On welfare.
P: D5 has like Star Trek radar. C and I are finding like DeSade and Pushkin, and D5's like "L. Ron Hubbard!"
C: It's all P***'s fault. He forced me to skip. Mentioning bookstores like that...
S1: I feel like I'm joining the dark side.
C: I know.
S1: "Luuuuke, I am your faaatheeer."
S1: Where's your notebook.
C: :( In my apartment.
S1: It's like you're naked or something. It's probably crying right now.
S1: P*** didn't drop out, did he?
C: No, he's just been skipping.
S1: Like, every week? That's awesome.
S1: After this class, I just want to take a shower for, like six hours...
S1: I also think that B*** wants to be a dictator of a small country because he keeps on asking questions about negative motivational skills...
J1: I'm so glad I know what our entire class feels about leadership now.
S2: Alright, I'd better go exhibit leadership.
J1: Have fun. Make sure to be authoritative, but not too authoritative.
S2: Dammit, my authoritative stance isn't working!
C2: Take your shit.
S2: That's it! You're fired! Pack your bags and go!
C2: Suck it!!!!
J1: I'm going to have to sleep with that under my pillow and absorb it.
C: That's creepy.
J1: I'm kidding.
B1: I wrote 3500 words.
C: That's too long.
B1: Yeah, I have to cut some.
C: I hate you. I have 1600.
B1: Yeah, I started it early because I knew I'd be dead today..
C: I hate you again.
B1: You really don't lie very often, do you? You must be fun at parties.
S2: I'm not going to say don't let anyone take my bag for crack money, but...
C: So I can sell it for crack money?
S2: No. You can't. But if big burly guys come in looking for crack...
C: Are you saying you like big burly guys better than you like me?
S2: I was thinking more of the threat of physical force...
C: Yeah. Sure. You just have a thing for big burly guys. I know you.
S2: Right.
S2: I just wrote about my two leaders. Now I get to write about me. Shit.
Q: I just hope you use your library degree for good and not evil.
S2: How would I use a library job for evil?
Q: I'm not telling you!!
C: You're not even under your real initial. I don't tag you. You're fine.
Q: I can still see you blackmailing me.
Q: What are you writing now?! It makes me nervous when she writes. Oh shit, I'm talking to her.
S2: This is so cheesy.
Q: If you were a cheese, what kind of cheese would you be?
C: Havarti.
Q: Havarti?
L: Mmm. I love havarti...I feel like I'd be mozzarella or something.
Q: Good, servicable...
L: Gets around...
January 31, 2008: I thought the whiskey was the last resort when all else fails
K1: I don't like wearing tight clothes.
C: Yeah, I don't like feeling like I'm being molested by my pants. I don't have that close a relationship with them.
K1: I just don't like being sausaged into things. I'm like, I'm not meat!
K1: You haven't had a class with ***
x: He has a funnier voice.
K1: *** Is worse.
D4: Maybe, but he doesn't wear leopard print.
K1: I need to do something to make this better. Bring balloons and confetti to class, and release them any time someone says something inspirational.
C: When's that going to happen?
K1: Whenever someone says something stupid. Drop the ballons and confetti. Throw them at ****.
K1: You can join my haiku-writing club in class. I write haikus about ***.
J5: What are you going to do about that?
C: You could have a guy at the door like a greeter with a yellow happy face button.
J5: I'd stop going to libraries if they did that.
K2: You could have a guy dressed as a giant book. 'I won't hurt you! I love you!'
K1: Huggy the giant book! And he could encapsulate you within his pages...smother you with knowledge...
J5: And you emerge, reborn, ready for a fresh start...
K2: the only thing I don't like in exams is the sounds of people know ing what they're doing. 'Frantic scribbling. 'oh yeah' Scribble scribble.'
J1: I heard Winnipeg has the longest skating rink in the world now.
C: Those bastards!!!
grrrrr
C: Tourism's bad enough in Ottawa; damn thing's not freezing.
J1: People want to go to Ottawa, though; they don't want to go to Winnipeg. Family vacation: Ottawa....Winnipeg.
P: Are you saying I might not get a job because my facebook picture is a photo of me kissing myself? Or, I should say, tonguing my tongue...if they find your notes, maybe.
K1: C was here.
P: Didn't you write it down? Look it up.
K1: Search P-K1 the son/mother relationship.
(I really have no recollection. Or notes. Sorry)
P: She's a grandma too. I don't know if I told you this, but J2 is my daughter.
K1: ...the granddaughter I never knew.
K1: ...and when we had to upsell things. I sold four cookbooks with that.
D2: You could have fun with that. 'Would you like some condoms with that?'
K1: 'Would you like some Archie comics?'
K1: Once this one guy came in and bought some kind of porn. Really smutty. I don't remember...
D2: You don't remember the divisions of porn? You'll never be a cataloguer.
K1: Anyway, he buys it and opens it and starts reading it in the store. We're in a mall!!!
K1: Yes, but why would she need to release into the world that she grows weed with menstrual blood? Just gotta get that off my chest.
D2: I don't know!!!
P: Did you ever smoke pot that was fertilized with menstrual blood?
V: I dunno.
P: 'I dunno. I don't know what fertilized it.' It's a good answer. Only you would not be weirded out by that question.
V: I've never bought condoms. I figure I buy enough stuff related to my vagina in my life...
D2: It'd be a little embaressing if your neighbour came over and you were gardening.
K1: 'What are you doing?'
D2: 'What's your trick?'
P: 'Your flowers are really nice...'
P: I don't have to look pretty anymore. I'm married. I don't have to try. Right? That totally implies I took care of my looks before...total lie.
P: I wish I were a meat puppet. Librarian meat puppet.
C: I love how you've yet again drawn a parallel between librarians and prostitutes.
P: You really are American, aren't you? You just hate it (fonds) because it's French.
S2: Yeah, exactly. We're going to start calling them 'freedom collections.'
P: But you don't need to use a Kleenex. Why do you think L Ron. Hubbard invented sleeves?
K1: You need a job. You have a wife! What is she gets pregant?
P: That would be awesome.
E: Your offspring will need nourishment.
P: My offspring will be my nourishment.
K1: (on Christianity) I don't understand why they don't just all get high and make furniture.
P: I've said it before. I wanted to have the mose obscene picture that didn't have nudity, violence, or feces. I think I succeeded.
P: Do you want to go outside?
S2: I think I do.
P: So we can have sex?
S2: I'm going to put my jacket on so I can take it off in a threatening manner.
V: The rattle of the tic-tacs really intimidated me.
K1: My brother had this baby doll and she had, like, you know how the eyes move?...I don't know why he was to attached to it. It had no arms by the end of it, no clothes, and he wrote 'Lydia' across its chest...
K1: ...and I was never allowed to be the GI Joe when his friends were over; I had to be the one-armed Wonderwoman who lived in the birdcage...
C: If I had bought my own clothes then, I totally would have turned into one of those goth children.
K1: I never got those goth people.
C: Neither did I; I just wanted to put people off. Didn't as much do it with my clothes; had to rely on my personality instead...
P: I made a sandwich. It's on the counter at home.
C: I did that with a cup of coffee once. It was tragic.
S1: I love how you've joined the dark side and joined the gym. You go, like, everyday.W: They have t.v. there.
S1: I have t.v. at my house.
W: And newspapers...
B1: ...you can be a good leader if you're not a good speaker or physically attractive...
S1: I'm not pretty enough to be a leader.
C: They made me the leader of The Cult of the Divine Forklift. Do you think it's because I'm blonde?
S1: You know what makes leadership? Guns.
prof: ..the belief was that people were motivated by money, and that's it...
C: Hell yeah. When it's a crappy job, totally.
S1: Also torture.
S6: I thought the whiskey was the last resort when all else fails.
Y: That's the gun.
S6: If people died, you could eat them.
Q/J1??: We're learning a lot about people in this group.
C: ..and if you need to warm up your hands, you can cut someone open and stick your hands in their innards.
Y: The pilots. They're already dead.
C: Apparently getting naked together helps with hypothermia...
Y: You're kinky.
C: ...and if you did the naked kinky hypothermia thing, the chocolate might come in handy...
Q: I think you just want sex.
K3: I still want the chocolate.
J1: you and your self esteem! We'll sing songs or something!
C: Yeah, I don't like feeling like I'm being molested by my pants. I don't have that close a relationship with them.
K1: I just don't like being sausaged into things. I'm like, I'm not meat!
K1: You haven't had a class with ***
x: He has a funnier voice.
K1: *** Is worse.
D4: Maybe, but he doesn't wear leopard print.
K1: I need to do something to make this better. Bring balloons and confetti to class, and release them any time someone says something inspirational.
C: When's that going to happen?
K1: Whenever someone says something stupid. Drop the ballons and confetti. Throw them at ****.
K1: You can join my haiku-writing club in class. I write haikus about ***.
J5: What are you going to do about that?
C: You could have a guy at the door like a greeter with a yellow happy face button.
J5: I'd stop going to libraries if they did that.
K2: You could have a guy dressed as a giant book. 'I won't hurt you! I love you!'
K1: Huggy the giant book! And he could encapsulate you within his pages...smother you with knowledge...
J5: And you emerge, reborn, ready for a fresh start...
K2: the only thing I don't like in exams is the sounds of people know ing what they're doing. 'Frantic scribbling. 'oh yeah' Scribble scribble.'
J1: I heard Winnipeg has the longest skating rink in the world now.
C: Those bastards!!!
grrrrr
C: Tourism's bad enough in Ottawa; damn thing's not freezing.
J1: People want to go to Ottawa, though; they don't want to go to Winnipeg. Family vacation: Ottawa....Winnipeg.
P: Are you saying I might not get a job because my facebook picture is a photo of me kissing myself? Or, I should say, tonguing my tongue...if they find your notes, maybe.
K1: C was here.
P: Didn't you write it down? Look it up.
K1: Search P-K1 the son/mother relationship.
(I really have no recollection. Or notes. Sorry)
P: She's a grandma too. I don't know if I told you this, but J2 is my daughter.
K1: ...the granddaughter I never knew.
K1: ...and when we had to upsell things. I sold four cookbooks with that.
D2: You could have fun with that. 'Would you like some condoms with that?'
K1: 'Would you like some Archie comics?'
K1: Once this one guy came in and bought some kind of porn. Really smutty. I don't remember...
D2: You don't remember the divisions of porn? You'll never be a cataloguer.
K1: Anyway, he buys it and opens it and starts reading it in the store. We're in a mall!!!
K1: Yes, but why would she need to release into the world that she grows weed with menstrual blood? Just gotta get that off my chest.
D2: I don't know!!!
P: Did you ever smoke pot that was fertilized with menstrual blood?
V: I dunno.
P: 'I dunno. I don't know what fertilized it.' It's a good answer. Only you would not be weirded out by that question.
V: I've never bought condoms. I figure I buy enough stuff related to my vagina in my life...
D2: It'd be a little embaressing if your neighbour came over and you were gardening.
K1: 'What are you doing?'
D2: 'What's your trick?'
P: 'Your flowers are really nice...'
P: I don't have to look pretty anymore. I'm married. I don't have to try. Right? That totally implies I took care of my looks before...total lie.
P: I wish I were a meat puppet. Librarian meat puppet.
C: I love how you've yet again drawn a parallel between librarians and prostitutes.
P: You really are American, aren't you? You just hate it (fonds) because it's French.
S2: Yeah, exactly. We're going to start calling them 'freedom collections.'
P: But you don't need to use a Kleenex. Why do you think L Ron. Hubbard invented sleeves?
K1: You need a job. You have a wife! What is she gets pregant?
P: That would be awesome.
E: Your offspring will need nourishment.
P: My offspring will be my nourishment.
K1: (on Christianity) I don't understand why they don't just all get high and make furniture.
P: I've said it before. I wanted to have the mose obscene picture that didn't have nudity, violence, or feces. I think I succeeded.
P: Do you want to go outside?
S2: I think I do.
P: So we can have sex?
S2: I'm going to put my jacket on so I can take it off in a threatening manner.
V: The rattle of the tic-tacs really intimidated me.
K1: My brother had this baby doll and she had, like, you know how the eyes move?...I don't know why he was to attached to it. It had no arms by the end of it, no clothes, and he wrote 'Lydia' across its chest...
K1: ...and I was never allowed to be the GI Joe when his friends were over; I had to be the one-armed Wonderwoman who lived in the birdcage...
C: If I had bought my own clothes then, I totally would have turned into one of those goth children.
K1: I never got those goth people.
C: Neither did I; I just wanted to put people off. Didn't as much do it with my clothes; had to rely on my personality instead...
P: I made a sandwich. It's on the counter at home.
C: I did that with a cup of coffee once. It was tragic.
S1: I love how you've joined the dark side and joined the gym. You go, like, everyday.W: They have t.v. there.
S1: I have t.v. at my house.
W: And newspapers...
B1: ...you can be a good leader if you're not a good speaker or physically attractive...
S1: I'm not pretty enough to be a leader.
C: They made me the leader of The Cult of the Divine Forklift. Do you think it's because I'm blonde?
S1: You know what makes leadership? Guns.
prof: ..the belief was that people were motivated by money, and that's it...
C: Hell yeah. When it's a crappy job, totally.
S1: Also torture.
S6: I thought the whiskey was the last resort when all else fails.
Y: That's the gun.
S6: If people died, you could eat them.
Q/J1??: We're learning a lot about people in this group.
C: ..and if you need to warm up your hands, you can cut someone open and stick your hands in their innards.
Y: The pilots. They're already dead.
C: Apparently getting naked together helps with hypothermia...
Y: You're kinky.
C: ...and if you did the naked kinky hypothermia thing, the chocolate might come in handy...
Q: I think you just want sex.
K3: I still want the chocolate.
J1: you and your self esteem! We'll sing songs or something!
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