February 8, 2008: I just hope you use your library degree for good and not evil

M1: They're driving in today and leaving tomorrow afternoon.
T: All this for poutine?
M1: And spores.

A1: The Cuban Revolution?
C: I feel I should learn something while I'm here.
A1: You could learn the proper method of cutting your wrists.
C: Ok..
A1: I think P*** would agree.

A1: Oh my god, you've got food!
C: Yep.
A1: And you borrowed a book form the library. The recession is hitting you...

C: I have to talk about leadership.
A1: Honey, you're a pioneer in weirdness. You can do that.
C: But the only thing I've ever led is the Cult of the Divine Forklift and various other imaginary pantheons.
A1: So, go with that. You're leading.

A1: You could pretend that you're not you, but a Spartan commander in the Peloponnesian War. Leadership abilities: 'I can strangle a man with two fingers. I can rape hundreds of women in half the time those Persians can. Disseminating my seed across the continent...killing people...I inspire fear...'
Ok, so we've got raping, killing, inspiring fear...'I store fat well. I can survive on long marches. I'm like a camel'....I'd love to write this paper.
...in spite of the fact that you're a serial rapist, some woman has to find you attractive, so you can marry well. She'll be inbred, but she'll come with money. History degrees: not a complete waste of time....you can say your sperm only have Y chromosomes, so you only father sons. You come with an entourage of men!

A1: I think you have latent leadership qualities. People swarm around you, and say stupid things. And you record them. People who spew shit are good leaders; you don't spew shit, you just intake it...
C: Ew.

A1: So what qualities did she say were in a leader?
C: ...motivational?
A1: I'm motivated to say stupid shit around you...hard worker. You'll give up food for books...Enthusiastic.
C: What?
A1: Well, obsessed.

A1: It sounds like a comic. C, literature obsessed geek at KFC! Chicken-fryer by day, hardcore intellectual by night! Secretly wears a pocket protector in her KFC uniform! "What's that in your pocket? Is it a remote control?" "No! It's a Latin dictionary!"
C: I do have a pocket sized Latin dictionary, actually.
A1: Me too. I love it.

A1: That's a leadership ability. Even though you buy books instead of food, you never steal people's granola bars.
C: And can go eight days without food. Just like the Spartan commander.
A1: If only you could master the raping.

A1: Raise good leaders by throwing unfit babies off cliffs. "I do not cry when I throw babies off cliffs. I am a good leader."

A1: You could find episodes of it on YouTube and base your essay on Brain's leadership skills. 'Hire stupid people who worship you. Consistently.'

C: I could write about Zeus's leadership qualities.
A1: More rape.

A1: Evolutionary, we're not that far off. If you look at the men in our library class, they totally could be raping, pillaging...except Pierre. He'd be, like, an assassin or something.
C: Yeah, I could see him being something sneaky.
A1: Yeah, like a mole. Something biting and weaselly...

C: ..so I've decided that when I die, it's going to be from falling off something. I decided it was a premonition.
A1: I think I'm going to be impaled.

A1: It's not my fault your most important part of you is outside you.
C: It's your fault you tried to steal it.
A1: It's like you have a finger on a necklace.
C: Ew.
A1: Only worse.
C: No it isn't. A finger would rot.
A1: Soul.
C: My soul doesn't rot.
A1: I disagree. All things rot...I need to stop taking medication..

C: You didn't die your hair grey.
K: Come in with a cane...
G: Oh yeah...we were talking about that yesterday.
S1: ....wear Depends...
G: ..I come in, with this suspicious outline under my pants...

B2: You could always point to "The Joys of the Missionary Position," but it's probably a really thin book...

Y: I don't follow a regular bellcurve. My bell goes ding when it should dong.

M4: I remember in grade 8 when we had to do this collage and everyone was doing these, like, nice cute pictures and I did a collage of serial killers from the past 100 years or something...

P: I seem to have gotten this reputation for being lazy and irresponsible. I don't care and I don't function well during the day. It's not my fault: L. Ron Hubbard made me this way! I'm using that more and more...

C: S**** made me.
P: You have no free will. She made you and I bet L. Ron Hubbard made her make you..

C: I have to say, I've seen more attractive pictures of topless men. Why are you zooming in on the nipple?
P: I didn't notice the magnifying glass. It's weird, though. I always notice when a guy's nipples are hard. Like on television or in real life...I have nipple hard-on radar...

P: Apparently like eight people in the world are descendents of the Mongol hordes because they did a lot of raping.
C: That's leadership.
P: Write about that. Yeah. Write about that and let me know how it goes.

P: I made you skip. I'm awesome.

P: I would buy enemas if Bell made them.

P: I'll smear it with feces.
C: It's a large building.
P: I have a lot of feces. You'd be surprised.

P: What do you think of my idea to call my twins Horatio and Fellatio?
D5: I think it's a terrible idea.
P: Why?
D5: I think those are terrible names. Especially Horatio.

P: Old Montreal is like Old Quebec. On welfare.

P: D5 has like Star Trek radar. C and I are finding like DeSade and Pushkin, and D5's like "L. Ron Hubbard!"

C: It's all P***'s fault. He forced me to skip. Mentioning bookstores like that...

S1: I feel like I'm joining the dark side.
C: I know.
S1: "Luuuuke, I am your faaatheeer."

S1: Where's your notebook.
C: :( In my apartment.
S1: It's like you're naked or something. It's probably crying right now.

S1: P*** didn't drop out, did he?
C: No, he's just been skipping.
S1: Like, every week? That's awesome.

S1: After this class, I just want to take a shower for, like six hours...

S1: I also think that B*** wants to be a dictator of a small country because he keeps on asking questions about negative motivational skills...

J1: I'm so glad I know what our entire class feels about leadership now.

S2: Alright, I'd better go exhibit leadership.
J1: Have fun. Make sure to be authoritative, but not too authoritative.

S2: Dammit, my authoritative stance isn't working!
C2: Take your shit.
S2: That's it! You're fired! Pack your bags and go!
C2: Suck it!!!!

J1: I'm going to have to sleep with that under my pillow and absorb it.
C: That's creepy.
J1: I'm kidding.

B1: I wrote 3500 words.
C: That's too long.
B1: Yeah, I have to cut some.
C: I hate you. I have 1600.
B1: Yeah, I started it early because I knew I'd be dead today..
C: I hate you again.
B1: You really don't lie very often, do you? You must be fun at parties.

S2: I'm not going to say don't let anyone take my bag for crack money, but...
C: So I can sell it for crack money?
S2: No. You can't. But if big burly guys come in looking for crack...
C: Are you saying you like big burly guys better than you like me?
S2: I was thinking more of the threat of physical force...
C: Yeah. Sure. You just have a thing for big burly guys. I know you.
S2: Right.

S2: I just wrote about my two leaders. Now I get to write about me. Shit.

Q: I just hope you use your library degree for good and not evil.
S2: How would I use a library job for evil?
Q: I'm not telling you!!

C: You're not even under your real initial. I don't tag you. You're fine.
Q: I can still see you blackmailing me.

Q: What are you writing now?! It makes me nervous when she writes. Oh shit, I'm talking to her.

S2: This is so cheesy.
Q: If you were a cheese, what kind of cheese would you be?
C: Havarti.
Q: Havarti?
L: Mmm. I love havarti...I feel like I'd be mozzarella or something.
Q: Good, servicable...
L: Gets around...