October 26, 2008: the Island of Misfit Toys

S1: Where’s your tan line?! You were supposed to be getting a tan!

K4: ...ok, so, this guy was like “I’m getting married” and we’re like ‘oh, that’s nice” and then he said “We’re getting married. But were not..” and we were like “engaged?..” and he said “no..we’re getting married but we – how you say it in English? – Gangbang.”

K4: We met a bachelor party. And the bachelor was in love with W***.....and then he went up to her and was like “I want to taste your lips. I don’t want to make love to you; I want to taste your lips. I can feel myself inside you...”

J1: I’m not here. I’m here in spirit but my body’s not here. No. Wait. The other way around. I’m here in body but my spirit’s at home...

J1: It’s good that you’re confident in your sexuality.
P1: I am. I was telling A*** that there are three pictures from this weekend of me kissing guys..

P1: So she was like “I want to take a picture of you guys!” and I was thinking I was going to kiss him and he wouldn’t guess and he was like ‘I’m going to lick his face and he won’t suspect it’ and she took the picture at just the right moment when he was licking my lips.

J1: There’s always that moment when the class is zoning out and she calls some StatsCan website “sexy”...
P1: Little do they know...

P1: Apparently fresh bread is the most potent aphrodisiac....so be very suspicious of boys offering you fresh bread. ‘Would you like some bread? It’s fresh! Have a whiff..’ ; ‘Are you trying to seduce me?’

P1: There’s a hair on my shoe. It’s probably J**’s.

P1: He’s like a cross between Q and me except tall and with glasses and better-looking.
S8: So why exactly is he a cross between you guys?
P1: That was the joke. And ouch.

A1: I always picture humans turning into hamsters or gerbils or something; you have too many children: you eat someone. Although in our case you just let them die...

A1: She totally reminds me of that rabbit that’s in your backyard sniffing at your lettuce and your dog goes to sniff its butt and it bites your dog’s head off. That to me is Sarah Palin. Those big eyes...the vampire rabbit!

A1: It’s fun here...it’s Stockholm Syndrome, that’s what it is!
Q: Well, I am Swedish.
A1: I love P...K’s so friendly...

A1: There’s nothing better than vodka with, like, ten olives. It’s practically a condiment!

P1: Have you ever found a really long white hair somewhere on your body?
S8 How long exactly?

P1: I never thought of that. To think of how depressing this school is – how much more depressing it would be as a single girl. Not to rub it in your faces...

(on dating someone also in library school)
P1: Plus, you could have ‘If you do the project, I’ll give you sexual favours’
S8: I’d do that.
P1: I’ll cook, clean and screw you, I’ll cook you clean you...you know what I mean.

A1: I’m supposed to stay positive. I can’t talk to you anymore.
P1: Is that what he said?
A1: No.

P1: We were talking about how we wished we had more orifices that would feel pleasurable if you inserted things in them, but then they would get infected.

P1: I think most of the second-years know that you’re evil. You’re like an evil bunny. Cute, but deadly.
C: ...Thanks?

____

OH: That sounds reasonable. Sad, and dark, but reasonable.
TNV: As are most things about C.

O: I want to walk and talk so I can get to my hockey game on time. I am clapping my hands to reinforce the point....there was probably a saner way to say that but it did not occur to me at the time.

C: I think you should get totally shitfaced and we could take pictures.
O: I love you too, C.

CC: Would you hang out with me if I wore a bonnet? Like, down the street?
C: I dunno.
CC: That crosses the line?
C: It’s pretty lose. I dunno. Would you hang out with me if I wore a bonnet?
T: Would there be any difference?

O: I would have been Bavarian Girl #6
CC: Ovarian?
O: Shut up!

O: So tell me about your new boyfriend Ulrich.
CC: Size does matter.
O: What?
CC: He taught me size does matter. He keeps me happy in bed..
O: If you weren’t dating Ulrich, I totally would.
CC: You know, if he met you, he’s probably want us to have a threesome.
O: That sounds like Ulrich.

O: I’ve always wanted to see a boy with a retainer.

CC: He’s an underwear model. Isn’t that hot?
T: He’s a rabbi! That’s hot!
O: He’s unique...
T: He plays the baroque lute!

CC: I guess it’s kinda hard to tell if a guy’s a virgin, eh?
T: It’s kinda hard to prove a girl’s a virgin; you don’t usually look at their hymen in casual conversation.

O: When I worked at Hooter’s, I prayed and prayed for God to make me a lesbian.
CC: Why?
O: The girls there were hot.

T: ... when you sneaked into the museum and did illicit things with the dinosaurs...
C: What is with you and dinosaurs, T?
T: They’re big!
C: I understand that size matters, but that much?

O: What are you doing?
CC: I’m fertilizing you with my sperm!

CC: Why is my name on your condom? That isn’t right.

CC: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to jerk off your finger. Please forgive me.
O: Tell it to the condom.

_____


P1: I was like, did you meet a guy? No, your sister has a new kitten.
C: He’s two and a half pounds!!!!
P1: You look like you’d be happy if someone, anywhere, got a new kitten.

J1: That was actually the first thing I thought about when they photocopied their faces: all that fucking toner!
P1: You’re going to be a great public librarian.

P1: That’s why she’s so happy today. I thought she met a boy.
Q: Kittens are better. They last longer.

S1: I never had an allergic reaction to a boyfriend. Well....although he had three cats so maybe that’s why.

P1: I can think of someone, as soon as I saw her face, I didn’t like her....it’s not any of you, god!

W: KITTEN!
C: *grins madly* The sad thing is, it works...

A1: Scientology must be a fascinating field.

A1: Do you want me to work on it?
P1: No, I mean having the penis on the outside. It should be retractable.
A1: Oh....that was awkward.

A1: But lotion has alcohol in it, doesn’t it? It would chafe.
Q: How do you know so much?
A1: Well, obviously I moisturize.

S1: Anyone who wants to be a librarian is going to be odd. Like, look around.
Q: I know; last year I felt like it was the Island of Misfit Toys.

P1: I just wanted to work in New Brunswick at a job that wasn’t inherently evil.
S1: I just gave up on life...

S8: Is Stargate the one with the guy with the evil genie eyebrows?

P1: If I can make a person not feel special, it makes my day. If that person is C, it makes my week!

Q: What’s disgusting?
A1: When a dog eats catshit.
Q: The love it!
A1: You know why? Because it’s full of protein.

C: Why do you eat it if it gives you a headache? You could get something without MSG.
V: Why do people have anal sex? Because they like it.
C: That’s an unusual analogy...