September 7, 2008: Some kind of weird post-modern pimping

E-R: Sweet suit.
C: But look! My socks are different shades of grey!
E-R: Trying to rebel against the dress code?
HW: That’s sad. But I’d probably do that too...

E-R: We’re going to move in together in September. He’s more excited about it than I am...he’s already planning out the basement. He picked out paint colours and I was like ‘slow down! Have you named our firstborn yet?’ ... and then we talked abut names....

CW: You are the only person who would say that about Nicole Kidman.
mum: That’s not true; lots of people make fun of her plastic surgery.
CW: “She’s a wonderful actress; too bad about her face”?!

B: What? Truck stops have good presents.
CW: Like what?
B: Knick-knacks.
E-R: You get me a present from a truck stop and we’re getting a divorce.
M nods.
B: Have you been to truck stops lately?

E-R: (re Puff Daddy) What does that mean; he’s a marshmallow full of spawn?

B: I’m kind of scared of the Michelin man. I don’t buy Michelin tires. I’m afraid he’ll come to my house.

H: Oh. We’re under attack.
B: I think I hit one of those on the way here.
MM: Not that; the CTV blimp.
B: Oh......I just saw the bird...

CW: I liked Dune ok. But I prefer books where the villain is cool. And I didn’t see what was so damn special about the Mentat thing. It just seemed logical.

TNV: I think your bathroom cabinet should have bathroom stuff.
CW: Why? I think it would be really funny if they opened it and found, like, philosophy books...
T:...and to make it even better, you could sneak in there a bathroom edition.
CW: .. or DeSade...
T: Do I really want to think through all the implications of having DeSade in your bathroom? Is there something you’re not telling me?

T: Now what other furniture could I turn into a bookshelf for you?
CW: A refrigerator.
T: You’re the librarian; you tell me what needs to be stored in the fridge.
CW: Videos...

T: What’s in a name? That which we call a deinonychus by any other name would smell as sweet.
CW: I never got the impression that they smelled very good.
T: To a deinonychus of the opposite sex, maybe.
CW: Well, I hope they’re happy with each other.
T: They died, so they probably smelled. And then they became so dead that they stopped smelling. And then they turned into rock. Rock doesn’t smell.
CW: How heartwarming.

C: You can look totally flaky when you know exactly what you’re doing. It’s awesome.
U: Yes. I can act. I know how to throw you off my scent. Wait, scent?

C: You seem a little bitter about being beaten by a four-pound dog in this contest. I think it’s time you let go.

MP: They do kind of sound like Donald Duck.
MW: You should do that if you want to put people off. Say the squirrels are laughing at you.
MP: I thought that sometimes. It was like, ‘I haven’t seen a Disney movie in ten years – what is this?!”

CC: It’s funny. She’ll be naming off the names of flowers, like ‘lily, daisy, clematis,’ and I’m like ‘are you well?’

CC: How do the British say ‘trousers’?
T: ‘Trousers.’
CW: You’re still doing Canadian raising.
T: ‘Trousers.’
CW: Now you’re trying to sound like Sean Connery.
T: I don’t know how Sean Connery says ‘trousers.’ He’s never asked me for mine!

SL: Do I smell like flowers?
L: What?
SL: ‘Cause I sprayed Febreeze and I couldn’t open the door right away, and I was like ‘Ah, I’m trapped!’

L: Let’s see if you still smell like a flowering blossom.
UB: I thought you changed your shirt.

UB: Lori, this is not a Febreeze commercial.
L: He made me smell him.

mum: What’s he doing? In words of one syllable.
UP: I dunno. I’ve stopped asking. Because he tells me. Portia, I don’t think she knows what she’s doing. She hates computers, for one....
mum: Is there a name for what Justin does? There must be a name at least.
UP: Yeah, there probably is.

UB: You wanted to get a motorcycle? No way.
S: I wanted to before Ben did. Think about it: if I get in an accident on the way to work, I’ll end up at work.

KL: I think forty’s too young for a midlife crisis. Now you have to be like 65.
UB: Quote that.
KL: Like, you should be starting...

S: It’s the clavicle. It’s close to the scapula.
L: So how did you break it?
K: It’s a funny story.
S: I was riding a toy tractor across the kitchen and I waved hi. As I was engaged in my salutations, I headed towards the basement door. Which was open. I fell down the stairs.
L: Just you, or the tractor?
S: Me and the tractor. And I broke my collarbone. And probably sustained brain damage.
AK: Definitely.

S: Frodo! Spread your urine! Show’em who’s boss!!

CW: What would happen if a werewolf bit a vampire?
T: You’d get a very hairy vampire. What would happen if the vampire bit back at the same time, like mutual hickies?

T: I would wear yoga pants if it were part of my daily life to raise my leg above my head...which it sometimes is.

U: He’s such a health nut. M’s such a health nut. It makes me feel...dirty.

U: I love ABBA. I’m in love with ABBA.
T: What’s your favourite song?
U: ‘The Winner Takes it All.’
T: It’s said to be one of the best breakup songs.
CW: They play it at hockey games sometimes.

T: Jennifer Lopez’s butt is insured, yes. Although I don’t know if it’s still insured since she had a baby.
CC: Is that considered an act of God?
T: No, it’s considered an act of Mark Antony.

U: V just air-kissed me.
V: I do not ‘air-kiss.’ I..
T: Kiss intensely and deeply but fall short?
V: Yes!
T: You have no sense of distance.

U: ...I’m not half the man I used to be. Because my boobs are not longer perky. I wish I were Britney Spears. Ohhh yesterday....

CW: Jazz hands?
H: I think it’s very appropriate to punk rock.

CW: One of my friends had a customer tell her about how she used menstrual blood to fertilize her pot....apparently it’s really good fertilizer.
MP: That’s just....adorable.

T: You’re so cute, that getting mad at you is like punching a teddy bear.
CW: What, haven’t you ever punched a teddy bear?
T: Well you’re antisocial.

T: Like, if you need someone to present the company’s vision, you need someone with short hair, square jaw, basically the Ken archetype...
CW: Except with genitals...
T: .. and if you need someone to apologize for the company’s screwing up...

SG: Yeah, I had a collie. A lassie dog. We called her Lassie.
T: Imaginative.
SG: Well, it was either that or MC Hammer.

CC: I had someone come in and ask ‘do you have machines that roll cigarettes?’ I’m like, ‘this is a kids’ store. Yes, we keep them next to the teddy bears.’

CC: Is anyone tall enough to do the Heimlich maneuver on you?
JF: I don’t know...this is why there aren’t many tall people.
CC:...how about the mantel?
J: Too low.
CC: You’re screwed.

J: There is so much dessert. This is so intimidating. Can you just pour that bowl of whipped cream on M?

J: That’s always how it goes. You stagger leaving the bathroom 30 seconds.
CC: Thirty seconds? That’s just...
J: Stagger leaving. You can’t take off your clothes in thirty seconds.
CW: You can’t? I can.
J: Ok, let’s race.

T: .. it’s to show that it’s worth ripping off the clothes.
CW: Nothing is worth ripping good clothes unnecessarily.
J: You’re the one who says they can undress in thirty seconds.
CW: Yes.
J: That’s without ripping clothes?
CW: Yes.
J: Oh. I was just planning to...

CC: He’s really bad at time-filling.
J: Tongue-feeling??

J: Who would not want to have sex with Sean Connery?
C: I wouldn’t. He’s old.
MP: Noo...sorry to crap on your fondest dream.

MW: So how about a sisterly bonding moment? We need to talk about sex and shoes...
H: & rock’n’roll..

OH: Yeah, I got sexually assaulted on my last day in Toronto.
CW: Why do you sound so happy?
WR: You’re so chipper.
T: If you’re so happy about it, you can tell us the story.
O: I love how you’re taking out the notebook.....you’re like the police guy taking notes, only more colourful!

O: I wasn’t actually going to file a police report, but I went shopping and I bought a really nice bra which made me happy...
W: And this made you think of the police?
O: .. and then I called the rape crisis centre..
T: I don’t think anyone’s laughed so hard saying ‘Rape Crisis Centre’

O: I actually typed it all up when I got home so that I wouldn’t forget anything. And it actually saved a lot of time because the police just took the statement I typed so that I didn’t have to dictate it...because they don’t write as fast as you, C.

O: It’s really great if I have to go and testify at the trial, because that means I get to go back to Toronto and see The Sound of Music with my aunt and uncle.

O: They give you a 72-page training manual and 3 tests, one of which I failed and had to retake. I failed a Hooters test. That’s a blow to my academic ego.

O: Actually, my aunt always wanted to work at Hooters...and they let me stay at their place rent-free and everything and in return I had to get a job at Hooters so she could live vicariously through me.
T: That sounds like pimping.
W: Some kind of weird post-modern pimping.

O: I actually got a job within five seconds.
W: And kept your self-respect?
O: Noooooo! Actually, my self-respect shot up, actually.

O: And he takes really nice pictures of the Hooters girls and he brings two copies, one for the girl, and one for the girl to sign and he keeps them in an album...
W: And these are the non-creepy ones?!

O: ..he’s got this serious glittering cocaine addiction, and he wears green glitter all the time..

O: You can walk up to someone and just look in their eyes...it’s like a 100% success rate.
T: It’s like being a girl in engineering.

O: He said I was his favourite model after doing the Darth Vader shot. And he’s really hot too...
T: He couldn’t see your head in it.
O: No.
T: But he could see nearly everything else.
O: It’s like wearing a paper bag on my head, only better!

O: “I have to flirt now because I can’t flirt tomorrow! I’ll be in a mental hospital! The guys here are better!”

T: To be more introverted than you, one would have to live in a burrow.
CW: There’s nothing wrong with living in a burrow. You could have a perfectly happy life living in a burrow.
T: You could.
W: Vitamin D deficiency, though...

O: Gluten’s overrated.
W: Yeah, like have you ever heard someone eat something and be like ‘Wow, that gluten is really good!’?

W: You can have like that bread God gave us!
T: God loves celiacs!
W: Like that flat bread...

O: I feel bad; I got one of my coworkers arrested.
T: His fault.
O: Yeah, I know, it’s just...
T: He should have thought about that before..
CW: At least you left your mark on Hooters.