December 5, 2007: Librarian Liberation Army

V: Wow, you're in, like, Kurt Cobain's last day's mode.

K: If there was a god, why did he make Satan so cool?

P: Wouldn't it be great if you could commit suicide for a week?

P: I hate Aristotle even more because he's like reading your DVD manual. Plato's like reading a play. A play where everyone makes shitty arguments...

K1: Metro story: This guy was saying the 'n' word really loudly. It went on for like 4 stops....My friend was like "Say 'kitten!' Say 'kitten!'"

P: There's nothing I like more than the look of terror on my wife's face. Sheer terror...

P: Dogs are the mentally handicapped of the animal kingdom.

S2: Did I ever tell y'all about my very ill-advised decision to look at the autopsy photo archives.?..

A1: My day would have been so much better if you hadn't made me think of having sex with my dad.
P: See, my day is so much better because I did that.

P: It smells funny over here. I think it's your tears. Your tears smell like...fish and chips. Don't cry. You stupid baby.

A1: I'm sorry for hitting you. It's wrong. But it felt really good.
P:...But I thought you liked abuse.
A1: I do. That's why I hit you.
P: But I'm the sadist. You're the masochist.
A1: It hurts me more than it hurts you.

P: What are you doing?
A1: Checking...
P: You tried to smell your crotch!!
A1: But I didn't! That's a good sign!
P: What the fuck?!
A1: I washed.
P: Why did you tell me you washed??!
A1: You asked?
P: No I didn't!
A1: You said 'What the fuck?!' That's a question.

C: Mickey Mouse needs to be mutilated, and burnt.
A1: That's a terrible thing to say! He just needs a nosejob...No, doesn't it bother you how his nose is, like, teardrop shaped?...It's just stuck on there. I just want to pop it. Like a zit.

P: Evil, Princess Diaries...
S4: I'm a complex, complex woman. What can I say?

P: I once knew a guy who got the French-English dictionary for free. He read the entire thing and sent them corrections...He's in jail now. Child pornography. That's one of my favourite stories...

C: I want to shoot myself.
S1: Me too. Wanna have a group suicide?

Q: I've never felt like I've had to procrastinate by doing schoolwork before.

V: I'm sorry for being all 'rrrrr!,' but you're being all doom and gloom and it's freaking me out.
C: I'm sorry for freaking you out.
V: No you're not.
C: True..

S1: I feel like we should be holding hands and singing.
C: That's a horrible image. You have a twisted, twisted mind.

P: You should perform a gravel enema on this person...I just like the idea of a gravel enema. Not personally, on me...
A1: Why gravel? What's wrong with a gerbil?

A1: Is it wrong that I like the gerbil better?
P: Because it tickles?

P: Cheer up. For fuck's sakes.

A1: Oh, I'm ok with that. I just want to die.

S2: One of these days I'm going to call your bluff.
P: You wouldn't be the first guy to sit on my lap, or grind his ass into my crotch. This is not a bluff...
S2: Maybe this is a bad idea...

on naming your children Pilot Inspektor, etc.:
P: "That was a delicious soup." -- "It was your balls!"
C: But you'd think they'd notice they were missing.
P: They would be drugged.
C: But then they wouldn't be conscous enough to realize the full enormity...
P: Their crotch area would be drugged. Crotch drugs...
K: They're all the rage...

S2: It's cataloguing! It's not a question of inspiration.

P: Half of the kids in my philosophy classes were stoned out of their minds. I think they thought it helped for Nietzche, but I don't know how it helped for Heiddegger. Like, you need a ridiculously long attention span to finish and understand a single sentence.

S2: This DIALOG thing is, like, I am not spiritually strong enough to handle it...and then I'll log in, and I can feel my moral foundations crumbling with every command I enter...wait, are you writing this down?

P: I totally understand. I feel like my soul is this small kitten and library school is kicking it. And it's a cute kitten!

K: I feel like everyone should have a petition on them at all times.

A2: I don't think I was a religion-making-up person, I was more a reality-making-up person.

P: I think you've noticed that everyone in my school are really lame drug addicts.

A2: Yeah, it's poisoned.
Q: She wouldn't tell you.
P: She so would. I've eaten enough.
Q: Still time to get your stomach pumped.
A2: Have you met him? Do you know how lazy he is? 'Oh, I'll do it tomorrow....'
P: That's actually not an unfair comment.

P: What do you mean 'burn on their own'? They're like 'I'm a tire! I'm going to burn today!'?
A1: See, no one has to say 'I'm going to burn a tire today'...*laughing too hard*
C: I do.

A2: It's your burning optimism.
Q: We call him Pollyanna.
A1: Sunshine.
...
Q:...He comes in every morning and is like 'Let's play the glad game!'
C: What's the glad game? Is that when you take GLAD garbage bags and suffocate things?
Q: No.
P: That sounds like fun.
Q: No, it's like she's having a bad day and she goes 'I'm glad that...'
C: That's not a game. That's wilful self-delusion.

P: It's like a gravel enema.
C: Stop talking about gravel enemas.
Q: You need more fibre in your diet.
A1: I still think it's boring.
Q: Do you mean boring as in what it feels like, or as in how they got it in there?

Q: You don't come here for the school, do you? You come here for the comic relief.

A2: I'm very out of the whole sports loop. Unless of course it's beating babies.

A1: I hate cats.
Q: You shut up.
C: I hate you. Die!
P: No one likes you or respects you.
A: I'm over it.