J: Hey, which one of us kept a golf course in pristine condition?
CG: If you have a contingent of El Salvadorians around, for your bonsai...
..
US: We'll get you a chia pet.
J: I thought you didn't have to water bonsai, though. Aren't there some plants you don't have to water?
S: Yeah, dead ones.
J: I got cut from the juggling team in elementary school. It's not a joke. It's not funny....no, they did it by last name! Everyone from T to Z...
S: You probably have a federal discrimination case against them.
J: ------- Elementary School is going down!!!
mum: Those lightbulbs have mercury in them.
CW: So I've been poisoning myself?
mum: Well, the whole planet.
S: That is so like a parent: to show off your closet.
CW: Yeah, I cleaned it just because of that.
dad: Yeah, they came up with pagers at Nortel for a while. It was supposed to be a status symbol, but I wasn't so convinced, because the only people I knew who had pagers before were pizza delivery guys. No doubt contributing members of society...
CG: Once it gets to a certain temperature, C talks about himself in the third person.
CW: Apparently.
CG: C doesn't appreciate your tone!
mum: This is what married people do. Order something and then split.
S: What I want to know is who's the bitch.
CG: I'm the man. I'm taller.
J: That is a hasty generalization.
CG: I have delicate supple piano hands. Like I'm going to break them on someone's face.
J: I think Hollywood's in need of a new redhead.
CG: As opposed to what, like, Carrot Top?
K: Who wants a picture of themselves sitting on a toilet, on the internet?
J: No, what I'm saying is my goal is to be so famous that someone would want a picture of that.
K: The idea is, when you have a really sick sheep, you go up to it, go AAAAAH!, and it falls down dead. Done.
CG: Whenever a friend of mine and I are bored, we make sexy faces at each other and it'ts really funny because we don't take ourselves seriously. It's very 'Rufus Wainwright brooding'.
CG: You're funny in a man way but not in a chick way.
J: What's that? I'm funny in a man way but not in a chick way?
S: Like locker room, but not smooth.
CG: Like 'If I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?'
J: Oh. Yeah. I get you. I get it.
CG: Yeah. Don't use it.
CG: What?! It's not my fault I sound like Julie Andrews in each and every way! ... and there it comes. From now on I'm going to say things just to see if you put them in your book. Frumblestumpits.
CG: Oh, I have a canker sore.
J: Bite it.
CW: Thanks for sharing.
J: Bite it off!!
CG: Oh, like, what did we have tonight? 'Why do we have earwax? So bees can fly in your ear!" Screw you!
J: Bite it off!
__________________________
P: You must have some good shit. Some unpublishable shit.
P: You know what's worse, though? Eat shit and live.
A1: That's true...
P: Because then you'd know what shit tastes like.
S7: Like 'Pink Flamingoes.'...
A!: Oh, I successfully filtered once today. Don't I get a fucking sticker?
P: What?
A1: Speech.
P: What?
A1: I'm totally verbally incontinent most of the time.....
****CENSORED***
A1: C, this is a grown-up conversation; it can't go on facebook.
P: We can't stress that enough.
P: I just think she's (J1) hiding something....She's the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. I'd like to check her thetan levels. That sounded weirdly sexual, and it's not. Stop writing this fucking shit down!!!
P: I can fit a loonie in my nose.
S7: What?
P: A loonie. Our one dollar coin.
S7: I know.
P: I wasn't sure if you knew what a loonie was.
S7: No, I was just in awe.
P: I don't usually feel...I've never felt the urge to sniff my crotch. For cleanliness or any other reason.
A1: You'd make a terrible cat.
P: Mrw.
P: You don't want to know. She almost gouged her eyes out....my favourite 'User needs' ever.
C: ...Why do people keep destroying my innocence?
P: Because it's so easy.
C: That's true.
C: Apparently the adults called me "Sunshine" when I was seven.
P: Yeah..you don't look...
A1: You look like an Edward Gorey cartoon.
P: You look like if your parents had told you you could have a dark room upstairs to play in, you would have said 'my life is a dark room. A big, dark room.'
P: Did you ever ask your parents if you were adopted?
A1: No, but I knew my brother was for several years.
P: You knew?...was he?
A1: No.
A1: I fell on my ass today.
C: Oh. That's funny.
A1: I fell over and it was like whoop! and my coffee didn't spill. It was like getting spanked by the sidewalk.
A1: C's not in control. She acts like she is, but she's not. Look at her. It's like tickling her, but you're not.
A1: I'm momentarily inclined to find you rainbow bright laces but you probably wouldn't wear them. You'd probably strangle a small animal with them. What is wrong with my head, C? I'm like, mrr....maybe a squirrel.
V: It's like a continuing(?) education arts college. Except they teach courses like...
S5: How to be a Better Man!
V: Yeah, or, The Philosophy of Love since Romeo and Juliet...
J1: P***'s like your wall-whore. It's always like P---P---P---
C: Yeah, but that's because I sat beside him for two classes, and you know he doesn't shut up.
V: That's true. It's hard to concentrate. He's always in your ear, like a gnat.
S5: It makes me nervous when she writes.
J1: You get used to it.
S5: ...it used to be I was counting how many times I showed up, and I had to figure out which S I was...because it took me a while to get into them, and now there's pressure to be funny...
V: I love how every real life situation can be related to a Star Trek episode.
S1: ...and creepy mascots! That guy is scary up close! He's huge! he's got these bumps and these soulless black eyes...
C2: I really need to up my facebook stalkage of people, like yourself.
G: Did I do anything embarrassing? Because I don't remember...
L: Oh yeah, I meant to reprimand you for humping me so much...
S1: I have this irrational fear that my nose will get frostbitten and they'll have to cut it off. I don't know! 'Cause it's so far out there! I should wear a facemask or something. I don't want to look like Michael Jackson!
J1: I came here, basically, for a guy...
M2: That's not a valid reason.
J1: That's not a valid reason at all J***!.. Personal reasons? Location....
C: Yeah, location, that sounds better.
J1: We have all these personal variables, like, is that personal experience? "J*** wants to get laid"....we can just pretend I came here for other things.....I think I'd have been completely miserable if I'd have stayed at Western. Can you imagine me not getting laid in this program?
J1: My library blew up because of my strategic plan. It was terrible. My imaginary library. Heaps of rubble...
V: ...so, like in an archives interview I was explaining how eroticism in storytelling somehow provided a cure for the plague...but only in a very metaphorical way...
V: I like the ones where all the male genitalia are related in bird terms...
V: Do you think I look like a Star Trek character because my vest has wide shoulders? I kind of feel like a Kardian right now...
J1: Didn't you say everything relates to Star Trek?
V: Fucking eh. Like the entire state of the U.S. right now can be explained by the episode called 'The Drum Head.'
S5: I was telling people you're going to be my best friend in Ottawa this summer.
C: Oh yeah?
S5: I should probably check with you about that, huh? I was telling P** and he was like 'Did you ask her?' I said 'No...'
J1: Hey C, remember laughter? Remember laughing? I remember I used to smile...
J1: Have you noticed that as our classes get less and less interesting, the number of guest speakers rise?
J1: I thought if I did that I'd lose another chunk of soul. I've already lost a lot, but I thought I would lose another sizeable chunk...
M3: I like the visual in that.
S2: That's true; you only have so much; you need to pace it. It has to last for a year and a half more.
J1: Maybe it'll inspire me.
C: Inspiration? Here?
J1: That's what I'm hoping. Always a little bit of hope yet.
C&P: Really?
J1: It's probably because I didn't do the leadership paper...
P: ..what kind of paper IS it, anyway? It sounds like the second question of a McDonalds interview...
S2: Did you just tell me to quit whining?
C: Yes.
P: Yeah, she's a fucking whore...oh, come on, I bet there's not a lot you wouldn't do for books.
C: ....Probably not.
P: You thought about it... 'You want that? It's gonna cost you a first edition." ...I'd want to be a pimp to prostitutes like that...
C: I actually did end up talking about L. Ron Hubbard in my essay.
G: You did?
R2: I thanked the senior citizen's association for their generous donation of the elevator.
C: Seriously??
G: ...I was tempted to talk about Hitler, but I decided I didn't have the balls.
R2: Actually, I kind of like that class. I stay awake in that class. Of course, the reason I stay awake is that I'm trying to think of things to put in our killer robot drawings, but...
P: Anytime you want to hear about me and diarrhea, you know who to ask.
C: Why are you sitting near him?
P: First of all, I came in late, so I sat near her; second of all, fuck you!
S7: At the dollar store, they have the creepiest underwear for 99 cents.
P: What does it say?
S7: It doesn't say anything. It's got these cut out lips...
P: Is it like around the crotch and there's a hole?
S7: Yes.
P: NO!!! Oh my god...
P: ...like, imagine a guy shows up and pulls down his pants and is like 'Oh baby' and all you can focus on is there's lips around his cock. Whose lips? ...Or the girl wears them and the guy's like 'Are there teeth behind there? That's not erotic; that's creepy' .....
P: She is so defensive!
C: 'If you don't like your mark, I'll give you a hug!'
P: Is it weird that my interview took place in bed?
C: That's awesome.
P: Between two guys?
P: I see stars!
C: Have you been taking drugs?
P: No, I just looked at my chest. Voïvod made me see stars.
P: There's keeners, like you, and then there's fucked up, insane people....then again, there's psychopaths like you...
P: I couldn't make fun of W**'s scarf if I was sitting there.
C What's wrong with her scarf?
P: She's indoors. She thinks she's Corey Hart. He wears sunglasses indoors.
C: Who's Corey Hart?
P: *pats shoulder* Read your Kierkegaard.
C: If you go by Julius Caesar, then you bring the users up to your level. That's why Marc Antony's speech was more successful than Brutus'.
P: I've never read Julius Caesar.
C: Oh. Well. Brutus does a speech in prose, like, bringing himself down to the pleb's level, but Marc Antony speaks in iambic pentameter, and they like it better.....oh god, I am such a nerd.
P: Yes. Yes you are.
bartlett: You must turn on the oven before you out your cake in if you want it to bake. It's not really an optional thing.
P: Stabme'tilIdieplease.
"I think it's inappropriate to say we're dumbing down our language, because if you're trying to communicate, and you're not, then you're the one that's dumb."
P: Eroticism is also good. It isn't really just about sex; it's all about stuff we desire...he talks about how Jesus crucified is erotic. And shit and piss and death. And we wouldn't be so disgusted by it if we weren't attracted to it...
C: Shit and piss I don't get. And crucifixion is funny...
P: You weren't there when we had that conversation? A** and I decided that we want kids so much that we started pretending our bear was alive...
S2: That is some messed up shit, P***.
A1: They're watching horror films all day today, I think. That's their Valentine's Day.
C: That's classy.
A1: That's love. Slasher films...I was thinking of watching Carrie today or something. Red!
C: Festive...
R3: I thought you were talking about where to find dates and then I realized, chocolate...what the hell, PharmaPrix?
A1: Those guys who come for wart removal kits can really get you off...
R3: I was like, if it's that bad, why can't I get a date?...
R3: Is she your advisor?
A1: Yes.
R3: You'll get an A.
C: Library school is destroying all my illusions.
A1: Oh yeah, I had hardcore fantasies of masochism before I came here..
C: That wasn't really what I meant...
A1: You know what would be a good outing today? Going to a pet store and petting all the puppies and kittens.
C: I like looking at the spiders.
A1: ....We could feed one to a kitten!
C: *nods enthusiastically* It's always so cute when there's like one leg left, twitching...
A1: P*** and I had a grownup conversation.
Q: P** doesn't do anything grownup. Adult.
A1: Oh yes he does.
Q: Adult. Like the adult section of a video store.
A1: Knowing that gay people get married makes heterosexual people feel unhappy.
Q: I think it's hot.
A1: I know you do.
on mediocre:
A1: It's like a window without Windex!
S5: P*** and A*** pretend they have a fake child, who is a stuffed bear.
Q: We were just talking about Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
S5: And it has a facebook page they've got with pictures of it and everything..it's called AB. And we're all friends with it on facebook, and of course P*** responds and is like 'you're not one of P**'s stupid friends, are you?'
V: Can't they get a cat?
K1: He's just got too much time on his hands....
S5: That probably informs the hotness factor. The puberty thing. Yay! Puberty makes boys hot! yay!....and she's writing it. I'm secretly glad you don't tag me in your notes.
C: You guys would have really cute kids, though.
S5: We would. We wouldn't like them very much, though.
No comments:
Post a Comment