A1: Looking at C’s face makes me gassy.
C: It’s my superpower.
P1: You make people uncomfortable.
C: I make them gassy.
P1: Yeah, like... ‘I think I need to fart...’ ...you know what you could do to make people really uncomfortable? Flirt with them. Because I don’t think you’re the kind of person who normally does that. Like, if S2 sat down beside you and you were like ‘heyyyyyy big boy...’
W: So would only a vegan have organic semen?
P1: I don’t know how this Wikipedia article trail started, but I ended up on Ron Jeremy’s page and it says that he’s getting more and more popular because woman want to have sex with a man who doesn’t take Viagra and he doesn’t.
A1: What is it, like, organic porn?
A1: ‘I’m not a girl; not yet a woman...’
S8: Oh god...
P1: The way you sing it, it sounds like a country song.
A1: It should have been! It should have been a song for paedophiles!
P1: Sometimes I don’t wonder why certain people in this school don’t talk to us.
S2: That was fast.
C: I’m efficient.
P1: I love how you describe yourself as a machine. ‘I’m efficient.’
L: I can’t really picture you as someone who has their wedding pictures on Facebook.
P1: I like my wife!
L: I know it’s just, you know...
*C takes out notebook*
P1: Change like to love, please.
P1: You and your hormones.
V: They are a bit rabid and they take me to bad places.
K4: Last night the clown was yelling about html.
Q: I know everyone’s stressed out and it’s the end of the semester...
A1: I’m not stressed out; I just really don’t think you should wear earmuffs.
Q: Quit talking about the earmuffs.
P1: Something about you, C, tells me that in high school, all the nerds and geeks would have had a secret crush on you if you didn’t keep beating them up.
J2: It works. I can see it.
P1: Like, you probably wouldn’t physically beat them up, but they’d be like ‘hi, C, wanna go to the dance with me?’ and you’d be like ‘Why would I want to go with you’...
C: Mud wrestling!
P1: She wants us to mud wrestle.
A1: Jello shots!
P1: I’m going to be a great father.
C: I cannot wait ‘til you reproduce.
A1: Me neither. Can we have playdates when your kids kick my kids’ asses?
P1: They’ll bite them.
A: Actually, they may not do too bad, O***’s pretty bulky and I figure your kids are going to have birth defects or something because you’re all fucked up
P1: I’m going to teach them to hate all the right things and all the right people...
P1: Those poor geeks in high school.
C: I had friends who were geeks.
P1: You thought you were friends...They probably had, like, shrines to you and collected your hair.
A1: It’s ok; they’ve probably got computer science degrees and are dating bimbos now.
C: I actually murdered some of my imaginary friends when I was little. It was a bad day.
K5: The McCord museum has a Robert Munsch exhibit. It’s really good.
A1: Oh yeah, she’d love that.
same time: K1: Paper Bag Princess! & A1: The Scream!
P1: That’s the kind of talk I’ve been missing from you first years: ‘I want to kill myself.’ None of this ‘you’re so negative.’
P1: She’ll usually not post it, like, if you have a wife or husband and...
?: I better get a husband.
P1: You came to the right place. Like 3 straight guys in the whole program.
V: Well you don’t really experience it because once you get there it gets diffused because you’re male.
P: What? What about my maleness gets diffused?
A1: You look like a girl today.
C: I do?
A1: Is that your necklace matching your shirt I see?
C: I’ve been wearing this necklace for 3 days and I just put on this shirt..
A1: Sure....
Q: Who’d you take: Park vs. Large?
P: In a mudwrestling match?
K1: I can’t wait to retire.
Q: You can’t wait to retire? You haven’t started working.
P1: I can’t wait to retire either. Everytime I cross the street, I’m like ‘someone rich hit me, so I can sue.’
P1: It’s not a good idea to test your partner. Does he love me more than cigarettes? Does he love me more than video games? ‘Cause you gotta know where you rank. Ok, so I’m above cigarettes and below video games...
K1: Just so long as I’m above cigarettes, I don’t care about video games. I beat Super Mario Cart? last night!
Q: I’m like ‘this is stupid; these people have no arms!’
P1: They live downhill from the rich people so they all have birth defects. Didn’t you people listen to the theme song?
P1: Tell them you have a boyfriend.
C: Yeah, like they’ll believe that.
P1: I’ll make a Facebook page! What do you want this guy’s name to be? Eduardo?
P1: I could write cutesy messages on your wall as Eduardo.
C: Like I’d ever date someone who’d write cutesy fucking messages.
P1: You’re going to be alone your whole life.
AB: You just buy the kit from Loblaws and you build it with the icing. And you build it and then you smash it. I cut my hand that way once. I ate the bloody shards, though, don’t worry. (on gingerbread houses)
A: Another reason to get out of your parent’s house is when your mother thinks boxers can be hand-me-downs.
T: Do you mind if I throw a pillow at you?
A: You’re so polite; I don’t know that I can say no.
O: I always end up wearing odd things when my grandmother comes, because she wants me to, like, dress sexy...this is the grandmother who when we went to Amsterdam she took me to the red light district because she wanted to see the naked ladies...she said if she were me, she’d walk around naked all day.
O: And you lived next to this girl called ***
CC: Who always bit me, yeah...I was telling C before about how I had this neighbour who always bit me. I would come home covered in bite marks. She was very sweet....she was very sweet, except when she bit me.
CC: I remember she had chicken pox and mum made me hang out with her because she wanted me to catch it.
C: Did you?
CC: Yeah. I was pretty miserable. Itchy.
O: Were you the one who gave me chicken pox?
CC: When I get married, I am so making you wear lace. We should both do it.
O: No. When I get married, I would make my bridesmaids look beautiful and expect them to do the same for me.
CC: Ok, just C then. She can wear Doc Martens and a pink...lace...tutu.
C: Fuck you. Although the Doc Martens are ok.
CC: I wonder who’d win...C would win because she’s, like, violent. I’m nonviolent. I’m like the Care Bears. ‘Here, take my love!’
C: You drew a bunny with a bowtie beside your signature?
O: It’s valid. It’s my official signature. It’s on all my traveller’s cheques.
C: You are such a dork.
O: It’s from Sailor Moon!
O: So where does sex fit into this? You can’t have sex in Heaven; you can’t have sex in Hell, so now is the only time? So you should have lots?
C: ...Although he doesn’t have bloodflow and how the mechanism is supposed to work, and no one would tell me.
O: Nitrous oxide....so yes, that’s how vampire sex works.
O: You know how we evolved from people from the sea? We evolved from sea monsters. And that came out all wrong.
O: It’s the way I see you.
C: Thank you O***. I’m so flattered that you see darkness in my eyes.
O: But it’s a happy darkness.
CC: What do you see in my eyes?
O: Singing Disney animals.
__________________________
S: We have an organism in our fridge that gives off gas or something.
C&H: What?
B: You’ve created a new form of life.
S: ...And then you pour the salsa or whatever and you pour it in a bowl and it looks a little more bubbly than usual, but whatever. You smell it and it’s fine, but you taste it and no...and then you forget to recycle it or whatever and you leave it beside the sink for a week or something and then it explodes in a cloud of mist...and then I poured it down the sink and it clogged...my girlfriend gets pissed at me, because now everything I take out of her fridge, I smell it...
__________________________
T: Maybe something more peaceful. Teletubbies!
C: I am not. downloading. teletubbies. If I ever do, please kill me.
T: I have watched an episode of Teletubbies once.
C: Would you like me to kill you?
T: No. I came back from it a bitter and wiser person.
T: V** gave me a private talk on how I should curb my childishness while working on a nuclear reactor.
C: You can tell kids the most incredible lies...
CC: And they believe you! My nephews were over and my mum picked them up one in each arm and was like ‘I’m going to eat you!’ and J just started crying...she was like ‘No, don’t!’
C: Did you ever see Fred & Anna? It was this sex-ed video with cartoons...
CC: Oh, was that the one with the flying boobies and the flying penises singing ‘my body...’? I think that was the only sex ed I’ve ever had. I don’t think I had it anywhere...no, no, at school.
CC: I don’t know what to say when they’re like ‘we connect’ other than bite my tongue and try not to laugh. What would you say?
T: I would laugh.
S: So, you could buy like a packet of Play-dough...
A: Oh, I heard Plato...
H: Why wouldn’t you want an Irish accent?
A: But it’s scary.
S: I’d like one, but a 5”8, 6”2 tall guy...
H: Was that Alfie-Walfie?
C: Yes. Please never call him that again.
H: I’ll never call him that again.
H: Don’t fucking do that! (to Jet)
C: You’re going to teach him bad language!
H: True. Fuck yooouuu...
C: Hey!
C: So. Termites anecdotes?
T: I can tell you about natural gas...
C: Can you not?
T: You talked about your sphere or influence.
C: Termites are not exactly my sphere of influence. You didn’t even have a segueway.
T: One could say the chimneys of natural gas power plants look like termite mounds.
CC: You know how you can tell when someone wants to kiss you?
C: They get that look...
CC: And he was moving his face closer, and I was like ‘I can’t see the hockey game...’
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