October 9, 2007: Blonde armpits have more fun

NR: Ironically, I can answer these questions and not feel weird because I can't see my bleached armpits at the moment....I probably shouldn't have told you about it. Now the whole world's going to know: N has bleach blonde armpits!

N: ...and I figured out I have one white eyebrow. One white eyebrow--hair!

MS: Can we stop talking about my burrito?
N: But I'm intimidated by the size of it!

MS: Jack fruit. It's what I do to gay men all the time.
C: Is my notebook there? Can you pass it to me? I want to write down what you just said...Thank you kindly.

MS: That wasn't you flaunting heterosexuality into my anus, that was you flaunting homosexuality into my anus, because no heterosexual would want to lick my anus.
N: I didn't lick your anus; I shouted into it.

N: I'm disappointed in you. I think you should be a little more accepting. Everyone should be accepting of blonde armpits.

P: Actually, my camera is my notebook. I take pictures wherever I go.
N: You take pictures of the funny things..
P: Everything. Actually, I was in the gallery, and I really liked their washroom...

P: I think N and I connect, that we are free spirits.
N: And we are liberal with our armpits.
P: You, not me.

N: That episode makes me so happy. You don't understand. Like, squirrel with four nuts happy.
CW: (laughs riotously)
N: Not testicles. I meant...although that squirrel might be pretty happy too... a little testosterone boost...

N: I have a cut in my finger and I don't know why. Maybe it's just the Quebecois side of me--it wants to separate....that better not be going in the book. That was low calibre stuff.
CW: I might not post it, but I'm writing it down.
N: Oh, go ahead and post it. Then everyone will see how dim-witted I am. And they will be like 'ha! ha! ha!' because that is how they will laugh in their English accent way. 'Ha! ha! ha! What a jolly laugh!'...

mum: Did you eat too quickly?
HW: No, I'm just playing with my stomach. Woop woop...
MW: That reminds me of Jim Carrey talking out of his butt.
HW: Not a good memory.

HW: And, see, pwetty but not, because there's dead people everywhere, but pwetty...and pwetty....

MW: This reminds me of the story where the queen cuts the sky down to make a dress. Remember?
CW: Oh yeah.
HW: Nooo....cuts this guy down?!

HW: Pretty much the war of 1812 is a win-win, because we burnt their capitol, and they burnt down York, which is Toronto!
mum: M was born in Toronto!
dad: I went to UofT.
mum: I was at UofT.

mum: I don't know what it is with you young people these days. Do you call each other 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend'?
CW: Those words have been used, but we decided that it's technically 'ladyfriend' and 'dude guy.' Just one of those perverse nomenclatural decisioins....
mum: Wow, you really are suited to each other.

CW: So, how's life?
TNV: Pretty good, pretty good. I'm actually starting to plan things, like buying socks, looking up the admission fee to the Tate Modern.....work at the Bagelshop: I did do a bit of self-mutilation, but the scar is healing, see?

T: So, any good quotes[sic]? From N, or otherwise?
CW: Well, we spent a great deal of time talking about his bleached armpits.
T: Talking about, or looking at?
CW: Eventually looking at. He didn't want to show me! I spent quite a while trying to wrestle his shirt off.
T: ooooooooh....
CW: I just wanted to see his armpits.
T: I think I admire N. That is the best excuse for a girl taking your shirt off, ever.

T: Well, what else do we do but come here and gossip? about marriage, armpit hair...
CW: I don't think the last one is really a standard topic.
T: With you, anything is standard.

T: We're automatically slipping back into the sarcastic with A. "This is the north....'

T: So if your wife leaves you at the mercy of a subway gate...
AL: Divorce her. Actually, we got married after that. I'm kind of dumb.
T: ...You should marry me. I wouldn't leave you in a subway door.

AL: I think we're immaturing as we speak.
OH: I can see the immaturity happening.

T: Senior relationship manager would ideally describe the person sleeping her way to the top.
AL: No. I don't want to think like that. It's a meritocracy. I believe it.

O: I like old books, but not old and mouldy books. It's like a fine wine: it ages and then it turns to vinegar.

AL: What, so he saw suspenders and the first thing he thought of was you?
CW: What? No. He saw suspenders....

T: Learning and sex don't mix.
AL: My friend took a porn class. She said it was super hard.
(much laughter)
T: ...maybe 'difficult' is a more appropriate synonym.
AL: Oh, that's what you're talking about.
O: You're just too mature for them.
AL:...oh, now I get it. She was saying 'I got a new project' and I was 'How is it?' and she said 'It's so long and hard...' and she started cracking up. I get it now. Thank you. You guys are so smart.

T: Do I need to draw you a diagram, A?
AL: Of what?

O: You should have an exposé: 'the sexy lives of librarians.' That didn't come out the way I planned it in my head.

O: He wears suspenders? Does he have a pocket protector and nerdy glasses?
T: (hysterical laughter) I'm trying to picture N in nerdy glasses.

T: I think N and I are the two sides of C's personality: nerdy and crazy.
AL: Which are you?
T: Which do you think?!??!?!
AL: No, but which are you? You're both.
CW: You're both. It's just different kinds of crazy.

MW: I always talk things over with Chad(pointy stick utensil) before I decide things.
HW: But he doesn't exist yet! How does that work?

MW: Stuffed ants: that would take some skill, to stuff an ant.
HW: ewwwww...
dad: You'd have to have a little magnifying glass hanging from the plaque...

MW: I think it would be cool to have a stained glass window...
HW: Of me. I want a stained glass window of me dressed up as Cromwell or something.

MW: I've thought of something new. I'm going to bite my thumb, and give you the finger, and moon you all at the same time.
CW: What are you going to have on your thumb?..You have the frowny face on the finger, and the 'bite me' on your butt; what are you going to tattoo on your thumb?
MW: That's true....that's H's thing; she's going to have a little person on her finger...
T: What is the purpose of all this?!
MW: I dunno. To make an original statement?
T: Why don't you just put an original statement on a t-shirt or something?
MW: I suppose I could. A t-shirt saying 'original statement'...

T: I confuse Hossa and Spezza.
CW: Hossa's God and Spezza's awesome.
HW: Spezza's Jesus.
CW: No, Havlat's Jesus.
HW: Havlat's Thor, god of thunder.
CW: Ok.
HW: Or, he could be Ra.
CW: Who's Thor, then?
T: Heatley!
HW: Deal!
T: I contributed to the discussion!...and we need Mithros and Ahuramazda.
HW: Heatley can be Ahuramazda! Heat, and fire!
Zeus:Zdeno Chara ; Thor:Volchenkov ; Apollo:Alfie ; Hermes:Vermette ; Aries:Neil ; Balder:Crosby ; Dionysus: Belfour ; Odin:Redden
HW: Bellerephon!
CW: But he likes snakes; he has a pet snake.
T: Ok, Emery can be the Cretan snake goddess, the one with the big breasts!
Loki:Raymery ; Osiris:Koivu ; The Holy Ghost:Gretzky
HW: Fisher! He can be Jesus, because he's a fish!
T: He can be Poseidon!
--T: Ok, Don Cherry is the Squirrel of Strife. Ratatosk.
HW: Does he talk a lot?
T: The squirrel of strife runs up and down the world tree and bears messages between the world and Midgard.
HW: Ok, that's Don Cherry....but who's Bob Cole? Who's really forgetful?...Cassandra!
T: She didn't forget things.
HW: But no one listened to her. Although he's never right, either.
---HW: Who's Jesus?
T: Spezza.
HW: So I have to say 'Jason Spezza!' now when I swear.

HW: It's so cute!
CW: It's just a Tim Horton's ad.
HW: There's also the one where the guy sings to his pita.
CW: He sings to his pita?
HW: Well, to and about.

MM: Why do we do this? Everytime I come here, we have big fights.
E-R: I'm just going to beat you to death and sleep with your corpse...only that might not work too well because he won't cuddle back.
MM: You know she's logging that.
ER: Oh crap....you tell on me and I'll kill you both.
MM: She got that too.
ER: I'l burn your book!
CW: It'll be on Facebook.
ER: I'll burn your Facebook account!!

MM: That's what kids do: they rhyme your names. What are they going to do with Orange?--idiot!

MM: They have cupcakes.
ER: I could make cupcakes. If I had cupcakes would you be as happy as those Amish people?
MM: And they're on a cliff.
ER: I could shove you off a cliff; would you be as happy as those Amish people?
MM: Only if you were wearing pale teal.
ER: And rosewater.

ER: (laughs) 'You're too rough.' 'No, I just cuddle strongly.'
MM: 'Come cuddle.' 'AAAaaaaH!'

ER: No, I'm going to have a tragically ironic and amusing death: hit by an ambulance or crushed by a falling toilet.
T: Crushed by mating wildebeasts...

T: If you're going to have a human head, you might as well have big bert/d.
CW: Big Bird isn't human.
T: I meant Bert.
ER: I heard 'big bert.' She said 'big bert.' ...I like Ernie better than Bert. I would date him.

T: They made him (Snuffalupagus) come out so children would be more open about their sexual abuse. I learnt about it in discrete math class.

ER: Wait, you're not a hobo?! That takes all the excitement out of our relationship!

MM: Trees are tough. I'm going to put trees on stuff, be like, they're so hardcore....like those trees that are really hard to cut down.
T: Sequioa. Which also has all the vowels in the English language.
ER: Wow, the nerdiness in this room just went way up.

ER: Did you watch 'The Tudors'?
HW: Yeah, my friends and I have, like, Tudor parties.
ER: I watched like ten seconds of it and it's like, 'BREASTS!'

T: No, gamma is for geek.
CW: And we certainly have one in the room!
ER: Look who's talking!
HW: You're in library sciences.
CW: She wants people to make gamma symbols on their foreheads!!

MM: The submarines donated by the British, the one ignited...I don't think anyone died.
mum: I think one person died.
MM: Ok, well, I think I heard it was a small number...that's the military. The West Edmonton Mall has two fully functional submarines for kids to play on.
mum: I didn't know that.
T: Actually, they do; we rode on one in '94.
MM: Someone attacks the mall: we're good to go!

mum: ..you're working part time?
MM: The Gap.
mum: A lot of hot women go there.
ER: A lot of hot gay men too.
mum: yeah.
ER: I'm a little more concerned about that: you do; I'll break your legs.

T: Our dojo for aikido was in a really small place; it was a converted laundromat, so when we went to a seminar with people who were in, like, big dojos, they had such wide movements...so they would call our style 'Tokyo subway aikido.'
dad: You have some specialized moves, like, 'stuff someone into the dryer and turn it on.' 'You give up yet? Ok, 5 more quarters!'
MM: A buck fifty for you!
T: And if you don't start talking, I'll add the bleach!

T: It's one of those bananas you cut your throat with. Or the throat of.

ER: R and I saw Braveheart at a very young age because my mum loves Mel Gibson's butt. We've seen it like 3 times...
MM: She's got, like, a framed picture of Mel Gibson's tuckus.
ER: Tush! Mel Gibson's tushy!

T: I always found the sight of molluscs rather pornographic.
[general pause]
ER: Elaborate...
MM: She doesn't need to.
ER: I would like an elaboration.
MM: Sea cucumbers. Phallic.
T: I didn't think of molluscs as phallic. Just pornographic. More the other.

CW: ...But he was sitting so low on the couch, but apparently it's not manly if we're sitting with my arm around him, but it is manly when his arm is around me...
T: The protective instinct. What he'll protect you from? I don't know: probably me.
CW: All those gay men around...

HW: When you watch movies, don't you go: "cool! Left-handed!"
T: No, because I got so fed up with people saying "OMG, she's left-handed!" Same reason I turned my gaydar off.
CW: Same reason?!?! What do you mean, the same reason?!? T, I'm learning new things about you!...I don't think that was what you meant.

T: ...since nobody can see that note except people you trust and people you trust know that the people you trust are crazy..

CW: I'm sorry, I was doing an interpretive dance of the photograph. I'll stop now.

T: What do you mean by suggestively lifting your eyebrows like that? I have had no extramarital affairs with my bike!...No intramarital affairs, either...

ER: Does that mean you've been friends for 12 years of you had one big blowup?
CW: We've been friends 12 years.
ER: No death matches?
T: She knows I'll win.
CW: It's true.
ER: You a biter? Hair puller?
CW: Aikido.
T: No, I just knife hand people in sensitive places without even noticing it!

CW: You know, this could totally be a psychological test: give someone my handwriting and see what they come up with. Because it's not like they have much to go on.
T's interpretation of the words on my library flowchart:
catholocism - truly having a love - guggenheim form - volunteer shivers/showers occasionally - murderstamp/murdershop - dissuasion - assorted homes - bookstore purchases empty what can? - conservatives destroy resources - changeling - glory/sanity, c'est tout - explosive / digitize remoppers - rebranding inhaler - board of directors is apprehensive of assorted homes - summer reading camp needs buddy stay true

CW: Hm. What is 'C' that doesn't involve hockey or coffee?
T: I think it was making crazy faces.
CW: Yeah, that tends to happen.
T: Although you look happy with N.
CW: I also make a lot of crazy faces too.
T: I have photographic evidence of you looking happy!!

H: What's going on?
N: He's grabbing my hair arm. My arm hair.
J:...It's like my friend from Jamaica: she didn't know how to say things properly and she said Volleyball beach. Volleyball bitch.
N: (laughs) "You want to play volleyball, bitch?'

HP: It was provoked self-defense. C, write that down.
N: Why are you telling her that?! I'm not going to hurt her! Now she's going to come kill me!
HP: She was taking notes, so I just told her she should write that down.
CW: I wouldn't kill you; I'd get T to. She's better.
N: I could take T.
CW: No you couldn't. She's vicious.
N: Slavic people don't fight.

HP: What is it?
N: He's grabbing my hair arm!!!
HP: He is attracted.
N: I know.
HP: What, you don't have enough?
Chris: You said they did it in rugby.
N: It's not rugby!!

N: Hah. It was expanding.
CR: Computer animated.
N: Computer animated urine. Expand at a rate of 1.3 pixels per second.

N: This guy is a badass and Dexter tried to kill him last episode, but he escaped, because he's super strong.
HP: Can you be a good ass?
N: No. Yes: Jennifer Lopez.

CW: Have I ever sized burgers in my armpits?!
N: It makes them the perfect size!

AS: My brother had an exciting weekend. He used to believe in science and everything, but now he doesn't believe in anything, and I'm like, 'yes, exactly!'

AS: H has this weird think about making these birds in class and leaving them for someone to appreciate....or toss it in the bin. 'What is this rubbish?'
HW:...My goal is to make everyone smile. Smile, damn you!
AS: Totalitarian regime...

AS: She does it too much. I used 'bitch' in an appropriate way, I just used it...
CW: Only for guys.
AS: Well, yes, in my appropriate way...she used it too much! She does that! She latches onto a word and never lets go until a new one comes along!
HW: That should be a song!...It sounds like a song...

CW: I'm going to do that all the time now!
AS: I'm going to go outside and express myself musically! Bam!

AS: Oh, this is such a good one. I dies when I was watching this. Of course, I rose from the dead like Jesus...

AS: I always forget why people are staring at me. All these weird people looking at me...I'm like, do I really look that weird? And then I remember I have a weird accent...

AS: It sounds like a boozer and a loser is a woozer. Do you see the connection?

AS: I'm the master of psychology of happy faces.
HW: You have an important role in the world.
AS: I'm going to end up dying, because no one will feed me...

AS: Wow, this game is riveting. Watching someone else play mineweeper is the best thing you could possibly do with your life. Except maybe watch baseball. Feck you baseball, feck you!

MW: I've got an idea: I'm going to sharpen my nose into a point. A very sharp point.
HW: A very red sharp point. Bloody.
MW:...I'm trying to think of something original to do, but the things people do to themselves are already weirder than anything I can think of.

MW: There's a little more coffee if you guys want.
HW: (mumbling) Perhaps.
MW: What?
HW: Perhaps. You guys suck.
CW: It sounded like you said 'hops!' I thought you were talking about the Easter bunny.
MW: The Easter bunny? This is the most ineffective conversation...

MW: I know, I'm going to dye my teeth and write messages on them.
dad: I'm not sure that's a good idea.
MW: It's a bit of colour.