November 16, 2007: Normal people don't go to library school

P: I'm pretty sure you can block people, but I just like rejecting her again and again....oh, she just took out the notebook.

P: I don't wear a ring, and I'm married.
S3: I don't wear a ring.
P: You're not married?
S3: I'm married to your government.

P: I'm molesting your laptop. It's probably not the first laptop I've molested. Come on, girl...
A: Probably not.
P: Stop it! I'm going to receive like, seventeen notifications--you've been tagged in a note...

A: P**'s good. Yeah.
P: You should quote that. 'P**'s good.' It doesn't get said very often.

A: This is worse than when I got my thing pierced.
P: Your thing?
Q: What are you writing?
P: 'This is worse than when I got my thing pierced' is what I think she's writing.
Q: Why are you writing that?
C: Because it's amusing.
S3??: I've got a few holes down there, I need another...
Q: You got the Prince Albert?
A: They didn't call it that, just general piercing...
Q: Because you don't have the prince?
...P: I've got enough chopped off down there.
S3: I've still got the banana peel.
...P: You know, low sensitivity, you can go for hours and hours and hours....
A: I've met his wife. She's very happy.
Q: Sounds twisted.
P: She's twisted for sure.
...S3: Apparently, I've heard that five minutes, then going into the fetal position is not normal. That's my thing, but apparently it's not normal.
P: How do you still have a girlfriend?
S3: I don't know?
P: Because she's in another town?
S3: She looks at my bank balance and she's like ' I looooove you...'

P: I'm like you. I don't know why the girls we're with are with us. We're terrible people. I don't know you very well, but, as a terrible person, I recognize terribleness in others.

P: This is the guy who would go onstage in a Spiderman suit completely naked underneath. Why do I know this? Because he got very hot during the show and it unzipped a little too far and you could see his cock and balls. He also went onstage in a leopard print thong. Greatest band ever.

P: People are very revealing about themselves around me. In comparison, sex with goats doesn't sound so bad.

Q: She's scary.
P: She's scary? She doesn't come across as scary.
Q: She's writing down everything we say.
P: She's documenting life.
Q: Life is best undocumented.

P: ....I don't know, send this to ten people and the love of your life will go down on you and if you don't a gopher will rape a kid with bulimia and polio and something involving a badger and genitals...
Q: Gophers don't seem like very violent creatures.
P: I don't know, if you starved a gopher and you put it in a cage with genitalia...they'd get eaten...like that scene in 1984...

Q: Normal people don't go to library school.
P: No, everyone here is twisted. Everyone here has mental problems or was physically or mentally abused their whole lives....I haven't been diagnosed with anything, although the fact that every day at some point I want to kill myself, but I've learnt to deal with that.

P: You know you're a weiner? when you pin your arm between the couch and the wall.
A: I got into grad school, and that's what counts.
P: You failed kindergarten.
A: You peed your pants.
P: I passed.

P: You just, like, stuck your ass in everyone's face.
A: I'm like a dog; sniff it!

P: I hope there's a Sponge Bob float, because Sponge Bob rocks.
C: Sponge Bob is a loser.
P: You're a whore. Your soul is black.

P: How about 'you're adopted.' That would be a great cake!

P: So if your shuttle needs to jerk off, it's using our hand!

P: I like cities; I just don't like the people in them.
S3: You should use that as a defense in your murder trial.

on cellphones:
S3: I'm like, dude, I'm on a bus at like 8am on the way to school, I don't want to hear about the pool of semen you woke up in. I mean, I'm a pretty liberal guy...
P: I'm a pretty liberal guy, and I'd enjoy hearing that.
S3: What I don't get is who he was talking to...
........
P: My wife is the last person I would want to tell about waking up in a pool of semen.

S2: Something tells me they're not declaring martial law in Montreal anytime soon.
P: I hope they do. I want shit to get crazy!!!!

P: It was the same thing we were told in Ecuador, about the river.
A: Leeches?
P: No, parasites...they went up his tract...and they have jagged edges, so you can't pull them out without ripping out a whole bunch of junk.
A: Did that happen to him?
P: No, they gave them condoms because one guy had to go to the hospital.
A: That's a really good example of knowledge management.
C *hysterical laughter*
P: This is a change. Now you're making her cry.
A: She's strong.
P: She'll be back. She'll write it down.

P: That sounds like a sexual problem. New Jersey has big beavers.
A: The first porn I ever saw was 'big beavers and bald beavers.'
P: Log that! And she starts writing...
A: No!
P: Yes.

P: I wish I had laser eyes. Lots of people wouldn't have faces anymore. Lots of people...
S3: I do have laser eyes.
Q: That'd be cool.
P: I wish I had a laser cock.
A: So you could like sterilize people when you sleep with them?
P: I wouldn't use it to rape people, I'd use it to kill them.

S3: Rape sucks balls...say no to rape...

A: You just have to come to terms with the fact that your body's a commodity and people can fuck with it.

A: Are you talking about shitting in people's mouths or just sex? Or shitting in general?

P: Shitting in people's mouths: what sets us apart from the animals.

P: I didn't believe that Michael Jackson was black. I thought that the guy who sang 'Thriller' was a different person. My mum told me, and she was like 'Prince, too.' I'm like 'No!'
S3: I hear Oprah's black too.

S3: Girls are worse than guys.
A: I don't know. We don't eat each other's bodily fluids, though.
S: There was this one hazing ritual where these girls were wiping mentrual fluids on this girl's face.
C&A: Ewww.
P: But that's awesome..

A: I like guys! At least they have sexual impulses. And that's not towards a goat.
P: Not towards a goat? As opposed to girls, you mean?
S3: I like goats.
P: I prefer sheep.

Z: That was like the best thing that happened to the Canadian academic world. Vietnam.

Y: Like 'My Super Ex-Girlfriend.' I saw a trailer of that. Except Uma Thurman is actually kind of attractive.
A: I saw a picture of her topless once. She's not all even....I don't mean to put her down, though--she's beautiful.

C: Dominatrix issues, much?
A: No, I turned my lunch into a weapon. It makes me so happy.

A: I used to wear steel-toed boots and kick people a lot.
C: Why?
A: I was angry.
P: Just people you didn't know?
A: No, people who touched me.
P: You know what I did to people I didn't know? Running head butts.

Q: But the monarchy isn't abusing anybody.
P: Our money is being abused by her face.
C: They should have hockey players.
P: You'd just be licking the money all the time.
C: I would not!
P: You'd be like shoving the five dollar bills down your pants. 'Ohhhh Alfredsson!'
C: I would not!
P: Ten dollar Spezzas in your underwear...Heatley would be twenty...You so would.
C: I would not!! ...ok maybe I would.