O: Would you rather be a man or a woman, given the choice?
C: Woman. Out of apathy. I’m used to it. Also, it’s safer to have your genitalia on the inside.
O: My mommy likes to tell me that if she were me she’d go around naked all the time.
C: I thought that was your grandmother.
O: Both. This compliment has been passed on....eventually I’ll be teaching my bear-hatted children to be nudists.
O: I think it’s an Arabic expression or something, but she says “praise your vagina.” She’s been saying that since I was little. What a horrible thing to hear from your grandmother: “praise your darling vagina.”
O: I edited my brother’s essay the other day; he gave me whitening strips for it.
AB: ...Does he have his kidneys?
MP: Yes he does.
S: Good, that’s an important thing in first impressions. This guy has kidneys. I can trust him.
AB: I kind of wonder what it’s like running through the mountains with a dialysis machine.
O: But why would they eat the explosives?
AB: Because C4 looks like marshmallows.
O: I have to calibrate my personality over there because I sound like a cartoon character...and then I come back here and people think I’m trying to kill them.
O: I want to have babies so I can be a better cook....but that’s normal!
O: I though that it was really sad that the orphanage was making them find their own organs.
AB: ...“I have never seen a sphincter so clean and well-kept.” No, wait a minute, what’s that bone called....my one line tonight.
AB:...she’s waiting for me to put my foot in my mouth further.
CC: But what else can you say?
AB: I don’t know; apparently I have a fart pocket and I like sphincters.
AB: See, I’ve got the 45 degree rule. If it’s not in the 45 degrees from my eyes, I don’t see it. Even if I trip over it.
J: I can’t help it that I’m tall....
O: It’s like an entire sadomasochist dungeon and they don’t admit it. It’s like Italians – they’re all gay and they don’t admit it.
AB: She was like “D**, go over there and read this book while I go over there and take her shirt off...”
J: You don’t need the book!
O: ...I thought you were really reading the book!
U: I thought he was reading the book!
AB: I was. It took a lot of concentration...
AB: Very few women come back from Russia with phobias of big burly women with birch branches...
O: Well, she was very strong, so I thought I’d do what she said.
O: Actually, I really like it when you snap my underwear....why are you stopping?
S: So what are we talking about here?
MP: Massage.
S: OH. I was like, ‘you meet someone, you see what their feet feel like, then you work with that’?? Ok. Context.
J: This massage is so good, I can’t even pay attention to the lesbian action going on over there.
C: It must be like a Disney movie in your head sometimes.
O: Sometimes, people burst into song.
C: Yeah. but girls can’t just go like “hey, your bum is round I just had to grab it.”
O: I worked at Hooters!....I worked at a place where girls grabbed each other inappropriately all the time...
Saturday, March 28, 2009
March 28, 2009: The objectification of utensils
C: Stupidity should be painful.
H: Like Pinocchio...everytime he told a lie his nose grew; evertytime you say something stupid, your...ears...grow?
A: Your nose grew...god, George Bush would be like all nose.
A: The guy was like ‘the women...and the door to civilisation’...and we’re all dying...‘and the raging horses’ and what are you on guy? At one point he stopped and looked at us and was like “Should I go on?” & we’re like “yeah, yeah....”
A: And there was this picture of a spoon and this guy tried to interpret it...and we started talking about utensil porn and the objectification of utensils...
A: See, I got nothing out of Merchant of Venice and Romeo & Juliet but hatred. But then we did Macbeth and I realised how disgustingly good Shakespeare is.
S: See, I liked King Lear, but Goneril??
A&C: Gonorrhoea?
S: Yeah...
A: I’ve been abused of this notion a long time ago...
C: Disabused.
S: C***’s correcting your grammar under her breath.
A: You realise I don’t really pay attention to what about I said...wait, that wasn’t good either...
H: I was going to say I wonder if Hansel & Gretel is a statement about how cremation...
C: No, I don’t think the fact that she eats them is a statement against cremation.
A: I’m glad you said what you said, because I was going to say “ashes burn.” Of course I didn’t have to say what I was going to say. Just keep digging myself a hole.
S: And yet she keeps talking...
A: I like my mug.
C: Yes, but did you really have to sing about it?
S: You should see what she does with it in private....I only meant she sings to it. It’s your minds that went there.
H: Or Peter. Maybe I stole your powers. I’m Sylar...
S: You’d have to be Peter because she didn’t take your brain out and play with it.
C: Are you sure? Because that would explain enough.
A: Maybe that’s why my (seets?) are red, the blood’s on them
S: You’d have to be Claire to bounce back form that.
A: Hey I heal from ...I always bounce back from my injuries with pride. People make fun of me and I bounce back.
A: I feel marginalised. I feel discriminated against.
H: You feel othered.
A: I feel othered, yes; I must say that.
A: What was I supposed to do with that?
C: Decorate your face with it.
H: Figuratively.
C: No, literally.
A: No, I thought literally and then I was like how do I do this figuratively and then I said...you see how my interview went...
S: They came up with a slogan: “It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”
C: That’s offensive.
S: Why is that offensive?
C: It offends my sense of...
A: It offends people who don’t have tongues!
S: Yeah, we always have this discussion around exams, that one of us dies and the others get out of exams.
C: I assume you’re the one who dies.
A: No...yeah....maybe...
H: I’ve never had this discussion, so I think it’s me.
A: Yeah, I think it’s me – I’ve taken on for the team a few times.
S: I’m sure I’ve asked you to put me out of my misery a few times.
A: I can tap her to death! Or maybe I can use the pointy end...
A: All the ipod can do is threaten me with threatening songs. Like, I turn it on and it goes “I want to kill you...” & I’m like “I didn’t download this song; what the hell?!”
A: I think I can.
H: You’re like the train: “I think I can I think I can.”
S: You know you can’t, you know you can’t.
C: You wish you could, you wish you could.
A: Maybe in some other universe?
S: Again, you know you can’t.
C: So what are our exciting plans for the evening?
S: God knows.
H: Does he?
S: Yes.
H: So ask him then.
S: He’s screaming.
A: You guys lost me there.
S: H*** said...
A: Oh, God! I thought you said “plants.” With the screaming....
A: And delicious.
S: For a second it sounded like you said something about a horse.
C: Yeah, it sounded like “Undah da hoss.”
S: Yeah, that’s exactly it.
A: Sometime in the German military “undah dah hoss!” like, German military term in the First World War when they still had horses in the military, before they figured out it wouldn’t work with trench warfare and all that...
H: So much thought...
A: Cake away! It could be a cake superhero! He’d be like, “Cake away!”
H: Keep talking. She’ll keep writing.
A: I’m being stubborn now. I’m not talking. Unnaturally silent...and I’m talking...
A: Cake of the future! Now I could really beat? that whole superhero....we can have a staring match.
S: I think C** would win.
A: No, I mean the cake.
S: I think it would win.
A: Yeah, it could. It doesn’t have eyes.
S: That’s what you think.
H: You’re a complete idiot....that was a bit rude
A: Oh, it’s a bit rude now? Like five minutes ago you’re like “fuck off, bitch!” – now’ you’re like “you’re an idiot.”
C: Especially the gooey part.
A: Oooey gooey.
H: That could be a song.
A: For my superhero! Gooey gooey....worst superhero ever. You’re like “gooey gooey” instead of “I’m going to fuck you up, bitch!” and then going, like, “gooey gooey.”
S: Eeeee!
A: Eeeee, yeah, when he flies. And everyone would want to eat you...
S: ...It could use fruitcake as weapons.
A: Yeah, he has like a Santa bag on his back full of fruitcake.
H: Is he missing limbs because people have eaten them?.....does he have a candle on his head?
C: What?
H: Because, he’s a cake, like...
C: Oh. ok.
A: Took a while. Yeah, that’s ok. I accept your input.
A: Aaaaah. AAAAAAH. Like a wounded dinosaur!
S: Like a wounded dinosaur.
A: You know, like growling aaaaaaaHHH.
H: You’re impressively weird this week.
A: I am impressively weird. And I’m not even trying.
H: Whose turn is it?
C: It’s A***’s. But she’s being annoying.
A: Hey, she’s the one who’s proposing to me.
S: This isn’t the Chinese restaurant.
A: Hey, it’s Canada – it could happen.
A: It’s a sign.
C: We’ve called up spirits.
A: It’s a séance. We’re in a Monopoly séance.
C: That is so lame.
A: The spirit of old capitalism...I think that it’d be scary. Adam Smith coming at you....
S: I love how she knows what a dinosaur sounds like.
A: A wounded dinosaur. With the flu, like my prof.
H: On it’s bottom. On its buttocks.
C: The CN tower doesn’t have buttocks.
A: ... and then I was like ‘oh, wait, I’m not a terrible person.’
C: Yes you are. You were corrupted by Monopoly money; how sad is that?
A: I know. I became corrupt and capitalist...
E: It said “you are such a sexy senorita” only he put (sp) because he wasn’t sure how to spell it.
E: We go every Thursday, and they’re so cute. Well, some of them stare at you and wish you were dead.
H: Like Pinocchio...everytime he told a lie his nose grew; evertytime you say something stupid, your...ears...grow?
A: Your nose grew...god, George Bush would be like all nose.
A: The guy was like ‘the women...and the door to civilisation’...and we’re all dying...‘and the raging horses’ and what are you on guy? At one point he stopped and looked at us and was like “Should I go on?” & we’re like “yeah, yeah....”
A: And there was this picture of a spoon and this guy tried to interpret it...and we started talking about utensil porn and the objectification of utensils...
A: See, I got nothing out of Merchant of Venice and Romeo & Juliet but hatred. But then we did Macbeth and I realised how disgustingly good Shakespeare is.
S: See, I liked King Lear, but Goneril??
A&C: Gonorrhoea?
S: Yeah...
A: I’ve been abused of this notion a long time ago...
C: Disabused.
S: C***’s correcting your grammar under her breath.
A: You realise I don’t really pay attention to what about I said...wait, that wasn’t good either...
H: I was going to say I wonder if Hansel & Gretel is a statement about how cremation...
C: No, I don’t think the fact that she eats them is a statement against cremation.
A: I’m glad you said what you said, because I was going to say “ashes burn.” Of course I didn’t have to say what I was going to say. Just keep digging myself a hole.
S: And yet she keeps talking...
A: I like my mug.
C: Yes, but did you really have to sing about it?
S: You should see what she does with it in private....I only meant she sings to it. It’s your minds that went there.
H: Or Peter. Maybe I stole your powers. I’m Sylar...
S: You’d have to be Peter because she didn’t take your brain out and play with it.
C: Are you sure? Because that would explain enough.
A: Maybe that’s why my (seets?) are red, the blood’s on them
S: You’d have to be Claire to bounce back form that.
A: Hey I heal from ...I always bounce back from my injuries with pride. People make fun of me and I bounce back.
A: I feel marginalised. I feel discriminated against.
H: You feel othered.
A: I feel othered, yes; I must say that.
A: What was I supposed to do with that?
C: Decorate your face with it.
H: Figuratively.
C: No, literally.
A: No, I thought literally and then I was like how do I do this figuratively and then I said...you see how my interview went...
S: They came up with a slogan: “It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”
C: That’s offensive.
S: Why is that offensive?
C: It offends my sense of...
A: It offends people who don’t have tongues!
S: Yeah, we always have this discussion around exams, that one of us dies and the others get out of exams.
C: I assume you’re the one who dies.
A: No...yeah....maybe...
H: I’ve never had this discussion, so I think it’s me.
A: Yeah, I think it’s me – I’ve taken on for the team a few times.
S: I’m sure I’ve asked you to put me out of my misery a few times.
A: I can tap her to death! Or maybe I can use the pointy end...
A: All the ipod can do is threaten me with threatening songs. Like, I turn it on and it goes “I want to kill you...” & I’m like “I didn’t download this song; what the hell?!”
A: I think I can.
H: You’re like the train: “I think I can I think I can.”
S: You know you can’t, you know you can’t.
C: You wish you could, you wish you could.
A: Maybe in some other universe?
S: Again, you know you can’t.
C: So what are our exciting plans for the evening?
S: God knows.
H: Does he?
S: Yes.
H: So ask him then.
S: He’s screaming.
A: You guys lost me there.
S: H*** said...
A: Oh, God! I thought you said “plants.” With the screaming....
A: And delicious.
S: For a second it sounded like you said something about a horse.
C: Yeah, it sounded like “Undah da hoss.”
S: Yeah, that’s exactly it.
A: Sometime in the German military “undah dah hoss!” like, German military term in the First World War when they still had horses in the military, before they figured out it wouldn’t work with trench warfare and all that...
H: So much thought...
A: Cake away! It could be a cake superhero! He’d be like, “Cake away!”
H: Keep talking. She’ll keep writing.
A: I’m being stubborn now. I’m not talking. Unnaturally silent...and I’m talking...
A: Cake of the future! Now I could really beat? that whole superhero....we can have a staring match.
S: I think C** would win.
A: No, I mean the cake.
S: I think it would win.
A: Yeah, it could. It doesn’t have eyes.
S: That’s what you think.
H: You’re a complete idiot....that was a bit rude
A: Oh, it’s a bit rude now? Like five minutes ago you’re like “fuck off, bitch!” – now’ you’re like “you’re an idiot.”
C: Especially the gooey part.
A: Oooey gooey.
H: That could be a song.
A: For my superhero! Gooey gooey....worst superhero ever. You’re like “gooey gooey” instead of “I’m going to fuck you up, bitch!” and then going, like, “gooey gooey.”
S: Eeeee!
A: Eeeee, yeah, when he flies. And everyone would want to eat you...
S: ...It could use fruitcake as weapons.
A: Yeah, he has like a Santa bag on his back full of fruitcake.
H: Is he missing limbs because people have eaten them?.....does he have a candle on his head?
C: What?
H: Because, he’s a cake, like...
C: Oh. ok.
A: Took a while. Yeah, that’s ok. I accept your input.
A: Aaaaah. AAAAAAH. Like a wounded dinosaur!
S: Like a wounded dinosaur.
A: You know, like growling aaaaaaaHHH.
H: You’re impressively weird this week.
A: I am impressively weird. And I’m not even trying.
H: Whose turn is it?
C: It’s A***’s. But she’s being annoying.
A: Hey, she’s the one who’s proposing to me.
S: This isn’t the Chinese restaurant.
A: Hey, it’s Canada – it could happen.
A: It’s a sign.
C: We’ve called up spirits.
A: It’s a séance. We’re in a Monopoly séance.
C: That is so lame.
A: The spirit of old capitalism...I think that it’d be scary. Adam Smith coming at you....
S: I love how she knows what a dinosaur sounds like.
A: A wounded dinosaur. With the flu, like my prof.
H: On it’s bottom. On its buttocks.
C: The CN tower doesn’t have buttocks.
A: ... and then I was like ‘oh, wait, I’m not a terrible person.’
C: Yes you are. You were corrupted by Monopoly money; how sad is that?
A: I know. I became corrupt and capitalist...
E: It said “you are such a sexy senorita” only he put (sp) because he wasn’t sure how to spell it.
E: We go every Thursday, and they’re so cute. Well, some of them stare at you and wish you were dead.
March 28, 2009: sneezing is oddly pleasurable
A1: I hope I’m funnier than P***. Probably not. Just more pathetic....at least P***’s mean.
P1: I almost brushed my teeth with a razor today....it’s not funny.
P1: Sometimes it’s embarrassing to be me.
A1: I don’t think you ever get embarrassed.
P1: No, I do. I’m embarrassed almost all the time. I just act like I hate people so it doesn’t show.
A1: I feel bad for anyone who has to archaeologically dissect us and be like “why is there frog in your canola?”
S1: So canola’s not vegetarian? Did you say there was frog in it?
A1: Oh, you can’t eat it anymore.
P1: ...at first I though you were saying I can’t eat it because I’m French.
S1: Is it that really ugly one where there were a bunch of scientist guys and I left?
P1: There’s a special test to see if your boobs are sagging. There’s the pencil test, and the other one. We were in the dressing room after a hockey game and they said if you can put your nipple in your mouth...I can do the left but not the right.
P1: Nipple dexterity – is that a thing?
J3: I hope not.
A1: It’s a passion for access.
C: It’s a hatred for people.
A1: No, it’s a passion for access.
A1: Who did you talk to at the career fair?
K4: The food table. And P***.
A1: Note to self: do not feed cW*** timbits. You’re like an exotic zoo animal.
A1: it could be a cW** hireable campaign so you can have a cat. And sometimes you have to do dirty and despicable things. Like wearing makeup so you look more accessible to dumb people. I think that’s all makeup is – it makes you look like you don’t kill people, even if you do.
A1: Can you imagine someone trying to film a kitty porn? It would be like...
C: I don’t want to.
A1: I wonder what kind of props they’d have, or the music...mrow chikka mrow mrow...I’m not talking.
C: I think I should make myself stupider, so I’m not so full of hate.
A1: Can we start with the makeup?
J2: What’s a girl to do?
V. I’m naked. NAKED.
J2: ‘Does this interest you at all?’
V: L**’s like “N***’s trying to take Romania!”
A1: Is it possible that you know that librarians are on a field trip when they cluster around the globe and talk about penguins?
R2: What else is there to talk about?
S1: Why stick with someone just because they got you pregnant?
A1: It’s like sticking with someone because they gave you an STD....that was crass....
S1: You could go live with A***.
A1: It could be like polygamy but without the sex. You could clean until you have a seizure or something, and then I suppose you could do the sex.
P1: It’s weird, because sneezing is oddly pleasurable, but...
A1: It’s kind of anticlimactic if you’re expecting to cum...
P1: You just can’t resist touching me...there’s a lot of people in this school who can’t stop touching me.
C: Sheer animal magnetism.
P1: Yeah, I just wish they’d stop touching me with their fists.
P1: I almost brushed my teeth with a razor today....it’s not funny.
P1: Sometimes it’s embarrassing to be me.
A1: I don’t think you ever get embarrassed.
P1: No, I do. I’m embarrassed almost all the time. I just act like I hate people so it doesn’t show.
A1: I feel bad for anyone who has to archaeologically dissect us and be like “why is there frog in your canola?”
S1: So canola’s not vegetarian? Did you say there was frog in it?
A1: Oh, you can’t eat it anymore.
P1: ...at first I though you were saying I can’t eat it because I’m French.
S1: Is it that really ugly one where there were a bunch of scientist guys and I left?
P1: There’s a special test to see if your boobs are sagging. There’s the pencil test, and the other one. We were in the dressing room after a hockey game and they said if you can put your nipple in your mouth...I can do the left but not the right.
P1: Nipple dexterity – is that a thing?
J3: I hope not.
A1: It’s a passion for access.
C: It’s a hatred for people.
A1: No, it’s a passion for access.
A1: Who did you talk to at the career fair?
K4: The food table. And P***.
A1: Note to self: do not feed cW*** timbits. You’re like an exotic zoo animal.
A1: it could be a cW** hireable campaign so you can have a cat. And sometimes you have to do dirty and despicable things. Like wearing makeup so you look more accessible to dumb people. I think that’s all makeup is – it makes you look like you don’t kill people, even if you do.
A1: Can you imagine someone trying to film a kitty porn? It would be like...
C: I don’t want to.
A1: I wonder what kind of props they’d have, or the music...mrow chikka mrow mrow...I’m not talking.
C: I think I should make myself stupider, so I’m not so full of hate.
A1: Can we start with the makeup?
J2: What’s a girl to do?
V. I’m naked. NAKED.
J2: ‘Does this interest you at all?’
V: L**’s like “N***’s trying to take Romania!”
A1: Is it possible that you know that librarians are on a field trip when they cluster around the globe and talk about penguins?
R2: What else is there to talk about?
S1: Why stick with someone just because they got you pregnant?
A1: It’s like sticking with someone because they gave you an STD....that was crass....
S1: You could go live with A***.
A1: It could be like polygamy but without the sex. You could clean until you have a seizure or something, and then I suppose you could do the sex.
P1: It’s weird, because sneezing is oddly pleasurable, but...
A1: It’s kind of anticlimactic if you’re expecting to cum...
P1: You just can’t resist touching me...there’s a lot of people in this school who can’t stop touching me.
C: Sheer animal magnetism.
P1: Yeah, I just wish they’d stop touching me with their fists.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
March 4, 2009: I think that metaphor was a bit laboured
V. Totally.
A1: ‘I’m mad at you. I’m going to pee on your clothes.’
J1: There’s like this warmup – I can’t do it – where you like move your ass... I just watch her ass for five minutes and try to replicate it.
A1: I love dumping boyfriends. It’s like, ‘Suffer and burn!’
M1: You can make lots of money as a pro golfer.
P1: You can make a lot of money whoring yourself out too.
C: That’s the example I was going to use too...
P1: We’re more alike than you’d like to think, C***
M1: But you’d have more self-respect if you were a pro golfer.
C: No.
P1: I wouldn’t.
A1: ...but I’m not sure if my husband would like that. Unless it were some kind of polygamy thing, only you wouldn’t sleep with him...
C: I could write down what he says too...
A1: I’m not sure O*** would go for that. He’d be like “I just wanted another dog.” But C** could like cook...maybe...no.
C: I make some great stir-fried cabbage...
A1: I kinda feel that polygamy’s not such a bad deal, though, because it’s like someone else who cares about housework. Which is why you wouldn’t be a good candidate. But if a neat freak wanted to marry me and my husband, like ‘yeah baby – I’ll cook, you clean, he farts...’ The romance is gone...
A1: I’m pretty sure most faces look like constipated squirrels – they do. It’s like, ‘are you angry, or do you just have to poo?’
Q: See the burnt koala getting water from the man.
C: Cute.
A1: Think of all the burnt dead ones.
S1: I think Heroin Mouse should look more like Amy Winehouse.
A1: When you are my pet, I will name you Xenophus.
S1: Notice how mushrooms weren’t on that thing. So mushrooms are ok.
O: Micro organisms taste lovely.
K4: That’s a put down. You’re not supposed to use put-downs. You’re supposed to use appreciations.
P1: You’ve taught elementary school, haven’t you?
K4: Yes, yes I have.
A1: It’s like taking multivitamins. You gotta get a good guy.
.K4: I think that metaphor was a bit laboured.
K4: Least glamourous death ever. Hacked to death by a library assignment.
A1: Found with her reference assignment in her neck...
K4: I think you could be fleshed out a bit.
A4: Like a pap smear?
K4: What?!?
A1: You know, one of those routine healthy things...
A1: In the future, I will come up with the perfect metaphor. And I will turn into a purple my little pony with sparkles, that smells like strawberries.
A1: C***, I’m not sure how I would stay entertained if you weren’t here laughing at me.
C: Glad to help.
A1: I’m so much funnier when you’re making fun of me. Who knew?
A1: ...Oh, my leadership paper...
C: How did that go?
A1: I was so sincere, I almost threw up.
A1: Thank you. It was a nice compliment. I just thought I’d trash it.
A1: I think I could spend days smelling my hair.
C: That’s nice.
A1: It’s a shame, because I think without all the vanity, I could be smart.
A1: My mum says that training men is like training killer whales.
C: Why?
A1: Because it’s all about positive reinforcement. You ignore the bad and focus on the good. Because how can you get a two-ton killer whale to jump through hoops for you without fish snacks?
A1: (on her wedding) It was the best day in my entire life – well, maybe not the best because I like canoe trips, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
C: And I got frozen spinach. It gives variety – not as much as a pap smear, but...
A1: You know you can get those for free? Because it’s Canada. You can be like “nobody’s touched me down there in a long time – can you just scrape something?’
A1: You know it’s bad if a pap smear is the high point of your week...
A1: So she got pregnant and the girl with the headache is communing with the foetus. It’s like you and Chucky.
A1: She was like “I just have to ask – are you carrying?” ...and I said “no, I just eat.”
C:...I can’t say I’ve ever actually gotten that...
A1: And you have a growth. Unfair.
A1: I think this one is you with the headache and the birds and the foetal communing.
A1: If you see any Calibri, eradicate it. Just kill it.
C: I do hate Calibri.
A1: It’s like zebra mussels in the Great Lakes. It just spreads...
A1: I think some men jut really make you want to have babies. You see them and you’re like “must...regenerate...species.”
A1: I think I just gained a pound.
C: Shit it out later; you’ll be fine.
A1: C** on biological functions...
A1: Sometimes I think I should be a troll. You know?
P1: Does Sean Connery have sex with some hussy in a library in this?
Q: No, but Christian Slater does – wanna see?
Q: Does that make you bride of Chucky?
A1: No...
C: I haven’t even given birth to him yet – how can I marry him?
A1: My sense is that he’ll marry a cat. And then be ingested by it.
K4: Have you guys heard of the Fem Defence?...it’s like a tampon, but with a spike on the end. So, if you’re going down a dark alley and you have some trouble...
C: That’s disgusting.
K4: There’s another one that looks like a claw!
A1: It turns your vagina into a deathtrap for penises. That’s cute.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
February 9, 2009: Let's not tell my therapist about that, shall we?
A1: Speaking of horrible things, I just heard a terrible joke. 'What do nine out of ten people enjoy?....Gang rape.' I've been holding it in, but it seemed the perfect moment, with the Rwanda...
V2: Telling that joke after talking about the Rwandan genocide is certainly an appropriate moment...
S9: P**** just sleeps in class.
A1: That's not true. Sometimes he spends an hour picking lint off himself.
C: So how's life?
S7: I'm getting something cut off of my tongue. I'm kind of excited. Well, not really.
S7: I've never felt this bad.
C: One guest lecture drove you to the depths of misery?
S7: I drew a hand turkey. But it was a YMCA turkey. So there was, like, a fireman, policeman, construction worker, sailor and leather guy. We called it 'Boredom Turkey.'
C: Leather guy?
S7: I dunno. P*** said it. he's dressed in leather. I almost posted it up there, because it's about the lowest you can sink....at the end of the class it turned into 'Suicide Turkey' because it hanged itself.
A1: It was like sad making out where you, like, slowly lick each other's face.
Q: He looked like he was comforting her & she looked like her dad just died.
A1: Maybe she was pregnant.
Q: Maybe she needed to get an abortion.
A1: That's so first year. I'm so over that. Like, get reliable birth control.
Q: Not first year, freshman.
A1: And those girls who need their boyfriends to come with them to get the morning after pill. - 'He doesn't support me' - 'He has class.'
C: I feel so dirty to have laughed at that joke.
A1: It's a little rough around the edges....where's P***?
P1: You have food!
C: Yes.
P1: You're eating!
C: Yes...
P1: I see three things in there! I didn't know you could eat three things.
C: Technically, I'm not supposed to be eating peas...
S1: There was this guy that, he couldn't afford alcohol, so he mixed gasoline with milk...and he threw up onto a fire...he was Canadian. You should be proud.
S7: I should have sold my virginity.
P1: You should have sold your virginity?!
S7: You know all those girls who are, like, selling their virginity for like $20 000...
P1: It's good C came in when you said that.
J2: You usually have to be patient, but you didn't have to wait at all...
A1: It's on Facebook.
R1: It's not names...?
C: Initials. Numbered initials.
P1: My wife figures out who I am really easily, though...and then she's like 'Do you talk about having alien babies with everyone in this school?''...
P1: Did you ever say something really funny and C's not there, and then you cursed yourself for not waiting until she showed up?
R1: It's really horrible to be sick & in pain.
A1: A**** would have to wipe your ass. I'm not saying she already doesn't...
P1: What the hell is wrong with you?
A1: Well, you know, if you're really sick, your wife has to change your diapers.
A1: Because if you look smart and have a low-cut top, you get the best of both worlds. Because what guy's going to say that's a downer?
A1: Because that's what makes it gay. The touching.
P1: Yeah. But it's not gay if you're playing Star Wars....I was joking.
A1: My therapist says I need to make friends. So I'm trying to make friends.
A1: I hate friends. Hate them.
A1: Who do you think our test subject should be? I think it should be P***. He'll give us some raunchy feedback.
C: Raunchy?
A1: Yeah, like; this website fucking sucks. Fuck you!'
A1: You could come over and we could make sculpys. You could make kittens and I could make otters. Or you could make baby seals and I could make clubs...
C: How do we say that politely?
A1: 'Do you have birth defects?'
C: I said politely.
A1: Ok, let me know if you think of a sensitive way, Miss Sensitive.
A1: Does anyone have a cellphone that plays 'Mary Had a Little lamb'?
R2; No, but I hear it too....there was a guy playing the flute in the student lounge.
A1: Sometimes I picture myself as a large otter and I crack things on my stomach....let's not tell my therapist about that, shall we?
C: And it would be pretty awkward trying to get them to get tested before you, you know, bite them...
R1: That's where being an information specialist comes in! i can crack the codes, find their medical history...
A1: You should pack yourself with dirty diapers so every time someone pokes you it smells like poop.
K4: Why would I do that?
A1: I don't know...
K4: How would that be in my best interests?
A1: It just came to me...
W: And you don't have a kid, so you'd have to make your own dirty diapers...
K4: how come every time I talk to you it ends up being about poop?
A1: I have a fecal obsession...
V2: Telling that joke after talking about the Rwandan genocide is certainly an appropriate moment...
S9: P**** just sleeps in class.
A1: That's not true. Sometimes he spends an hour picking lint off himself.
C: So how's life?
S7: I'm getting something cut off of my tongue. I'm kind of excited. Well, not really.
S7: I've never felt this bad.
C: One guest lecture drove you to the depths of misery?
S7: I drew a hand turkey. But it was a YMCA turkey. So there was, like, a fireman, policeman, construction worker, sailor and leather guy. We called it 'Boredom Turkey.'
C: Leather guy?
S7: I dunno. P*** said it. he's dressed in leather. I almost posted it up there, because it's about the lowest you can sink....at the end of the class it turned into 'Suicide Turkey' because it hanged itself.
A1: It was like sad making out where you, like, slowly lick each other's face.
Q: He looked like he was comforting her & she looked like her dad just died.
A1: Maybe she was pregnant.
Q: Maybe she needed to get an abortion.
A1: That's so first year. I'm so over that. Like, get reliable birth control.
Q: Not first year, freshman.
A1: And those girls who need their boyfriends to come with them to get the morning after pill. - 'He doesn't support me' - 'He has class.'
C: I feel so dirty to have laughed at that joke.
A1: It's a little rough around the edges....where's P***?
P1: You have food!
C: Yes.
P1: You're eating!
C: Yes...
P1: I see three things in there! I didn't know you could eat three things.
C: Technically, I'm not supposed to be eating peas...
S1: There was this guy that, he couldn't afford alcohol, so he mixed gasoline with milk...and he threw up onto a fire...he was Canadian. You should be proud.
S7: I should have sold my virginity.
P1: You should have sold your virginity?!
S7: You know all those girls who are, like, selling their virginity for like $20 000...
P1: It's good C came in when you said that.
J2: You usually have to be patient, but you didn't have to wait at all...
A1: It's on Facebook.
R1: It's not names...?
C: Initials. Numbered initials.
P1: My wife figures out who I am really easily, though...and then she's like 'Do you talk about having alien babies with everyone in this school?''...
P1: Did you ever say something really funny and C's not there, and then you cursed yourself for not waiting until she showed up?
R1: It's really horrible to be sick & in pain.
A1: A**** would have to wipe your ass. I'm not saying she already doesn't...
P1: What the hell is wrong with you?
A1: Well, you know, if you're really sick, your wife has to change your diapers.
A1: Because if you look smart and have a low-cut top, you get the best of both worlds. Because what guy's going to say that's a downer?
A1: Because that's what makes it gay. The touching.
P1: Yeah. But it's not gay if you're playing Star Wars....I was joking.
A1: My therapist says I need to make friends. So I'm trying to make friends.
A1: I hate friends. Hate them.
A1: Who do you think our test subject should be? I think it should be P***. He'll give us some raunchy feedback.
C: Raunchy?
A1: Yeah, like; this website fucking sucks. Fuck you!'
A1: You could come over and we could make sculpys. You could make kittens and I could make otters. Or you could make baby seals and I could make clubs...
C: How do we say that politely?
A1: 'Do you have birth defects?'
C: I said politely.
A1: Ok, let me know if you think of a sensitive way, Miss Sensitive.
A1: Does anyone have a cellphone that plays 'Mary Had a Little lamb'?
R2; No, but I hear it too....there was a guy playing the flute in the student lounge.
A1: Sometimes I picture myself as a large otter and I crack things on my stomach....let's not tell my therapist about that, shall we?
C: And it would be pretty awkward trying to get them to get tested before you, you know, bite them...
R1: That's where being an information specialist comes in! i can crack the codes, find their medical history...
A1: You should pack yourself with dirty diapers so every time someone pokes you it smells like poop.
K4: Why would I do that?
A1: I don't know...
K4: How would that be in my best interests?
A1: It just came to me...
W: And you don't have a kid, so you'd have to make your own dirty diapers...
K4: how come every time I talk to you it ends up being about poop?
A1: I have a fecal obsession...
February 3, 2009: No, that's ok. I don't need Chucky in a jar
S1: They're making me put my cream cheese on my own bagel!
C: Fascists!
S1: I'm so used to Tim Horton's, where they just smear it on for you.
K4: Yesterday P** was telling me how he bribed you to skip class.
C: And then it snowballed out of control...
K4: he was very proud of it. It was like one of his life's accomplishments.
C: Well, he bribed me with two bookstores. Not just one, two!
K4: Do I need to sing you the private square song? 'Hey you over there / This is my private square / R. A. P. E. / Stay the heck away from me!'
K4: I'm being molested in library school! That's the last place I would expect that!
A1: Are you kidding? All these antisocial creeps, nothing better to do than to poke me...
K4: I don't expect to be groped here!
A1: I look at all these people and it's like.. 'You haven't been laid in a long time. Don't touch me.'
A1: My hair hurts.
C: Your hair hasn't nerve endings.
A1: Smartass.
C: Would that be your scalp you're talking about?
A1: Well, you know, that thing I'm pulling.
A1: hard to tell who's the boss when you're married, because life's just this one continuous compromise. It's like being eaten to death by vampire bats. But in a nice way.
P1: maybe since we're like this weird alien race where, like, they're able to procreate just by proximity, so I impregnated you. That's not cheating, is it?
C: But why would you be having bladder problems too?
P1: Maybe the baby absorbs the renal powers of its parents.
C: At least the guy gets to suffer.
P1: it's more fair!
P1: We're a very advanced species. We realise it's the woman's choice.
A1: But she could take into account your sensibility by providing you with Chucky in a jar.
P1: No, that's ok. I don't need Chucky in a jar.
A1: She could get him cut out, put him in a jar and tie a bow and give it to you.
R1: Oh, nice.
A1: No! not nice! I can't have my husband smelling of magnolia!
__
CC: I'm always the man, wherever I go.
O: You'll always be my mother.
O: What kind of dominatrix are you?
T: Um..an expensive one.
O: What kind of dominatrices are there?
T: lists them...
C: You think about it in a very organised manner.
T: I've given the matter some thought.
O: I could be a dominatrix, part time.
C: No you couldn't. You'd laugh at them.
O: Actually, I've done that.
O: That's the way I like you, dark and bitter like my coffee. If I drink enough coffee, I could be like C*** some day!
O: Your eyes are like limpid pools of evil.
C: Thanks.
O: I actually wrote him a long e-mail the other day telling him he was irritating.
C: It wasn't a CC - style e-mail, with, like 'have a nice day :)' on the end?
O: No, it's a C-style e-mail. I actually copied and pasted some sentences from her e-mails. About 60% is plagiarised.
C: I feel so honoured.
O: I did. I lied during my Hooters' interview. There were 2 truthful things on my resume, and one of them was my name.
_____
1: It's all P***'s fault. He told us she writes down everything you say. Apparently your entire sex life is on Facebook.
V: I don't even have Facebook.
1: Her notes. You told me your entire sex life was on Facebook.
V: Well, I guess it is, then.
2: Good thing I don't have a sex life.
Q: ... and I forget the word for, like, the one that's under performing but has potential..
C: P?
Q: At my house, I'm cleaning, and the dryer lint is really soft and fluffy.
J1; See you later, alligator.
C: See ya.
J1: You're supposed to say 'In a while, crocodile.' Don't you know anything?!
S2: What are we talking about?
S1: Harlequin ichthyosis.
S2: Fair enough, fair enough. Okay.
S1: Horrible diseases and why you should abort your baby before it's born.
C: Fascists!
S1: I'm so used to Tim Horton's, where they just smear it on for you.
K4: Yesterday P** was telling me how he bribed you to skip class.
C: And then it snowballed out of control...
K4: he was very proud of it. It was like one of his life's accomplishments.
C: Well, he bribed me with two bookstores. Not just one, two!
K4: Do I need to sing you the private square song? 'Hey you over there / This is my private square / R. A. P. E. / Stay the heck away from me!'
K4: I'm being molested in library school! That's the last place I would expect that!
A1: Are you kidding? All these antisocial creeps, nothing better to do than to poke me...
K4: I don't expect to be groped here!
A1: I look at all these people and it's like.. 'You haven't been laid in a long time. Don't touch me.'
A1: My hair hurts.
C: Your hair hasn't nerve endings.
A1: Smartass.
C: Would that be your scalp you're talking about?
A1: Well, you know, that thing I'm pulling.
A1: hard to tell who's the boss when you're married, because life's just this one continuous compromise. It's like being eaten to death by vampire bats. But in a nice way.
P1: maybe since we're like this weird alien race where, like, they're able to procreate just by proximity, so I impregnated you. That's not cheating, is it?
C: But why would you be having bladder problems too?
P1: Maybe the baby absorbs the renal powers of its parents.
C: At least the guy gets to suffer.
P1: it's more fair!
P1: We're a very advanced species. We realise it's the woman's choice.
A1: But she could take into account your sensibility by providing you with Chucky in a jar.
P1: No, that's ok. I don't need Chucky in a jar.
A1: She could get him cut out, put him in a jar and tie a bow and give it to you.
R1: Oh, nice.
A1: No! not nice! I can't have my husband smelling of magnolia!
__
CC: I'm always the man, wherever I go.
O: You'll always be my mother.
O: What kind of dominatrix are you?
T: Um..an expensive one.
O: What kind of dominatrices are there?
T: lists them...
C: You think about it in a very organised manner.
T: I've given the matter some thought.
O: I could be a dominatrix, part time.
C: No you couldn't. You'd laugh at them.
O: Actually, I've done that.
O: That's the way I like you, dark and bitter like my coffee. If I drink enough coffee, I could be like C*** some day!
O: Your eyes are like limpid pools of evil.
C: Thanks.
O: I actually wrote him a long e-mail the other day telling him he was irritating.
C: It wasn't a CC - style e-mail, with, like 'have a nice day :)' on the end?
O: No, it's a C-style e-mail. I actually copied and pasted some sentences from her e-mails. About 60% is plagiarised.
C: I feel so honoured.
O: I did. I lied during my Hooters' interview. There were 2 truthful things on my resume, and one of them was my name.
_____
1: It's all P***'s fault. He told us she writes down everything you say. Apparently your entire sex life is on Facebook.
V: I don't even have Facebook.
1: Her notes. You told me your entire sex life was on Facebook.
V: Well, I guess it is, then.
2: Good thing I don't have a sex life.
Q: ... and I forget the word for, like, the one that's under performing but has potential..
C: P?
Q: At my house, I'm cleaning, and the dryer lint is really soft and fluffy.
J1; See you later, alligator.
C: See ya.
J1: You're supposed to say 'In a while, crocodile.' Don't you know anything?!
S2: What are we talking about?
S1: Harlequin ichthyosis.
S2: Fair enough, fair enough. Okay.
S1: Horrible diseases and why you should abort your baby before it's born.
January 11, 200: Quit talking about the earmuffs
A1: Children’s librarian. I could be a children’s librarian. I don’t mind dressing up in princess dresses. Not at all.
A1: Looking at C’s face makes me gassy.
C: It’s my superpower.
P1: You make people uncomfortable.
C: I make them gassy.
P1: Yeah, like... ‘I think I need to fart...’ ...you know what you could do to make people really uncomfortable? Flirt with them. Because I don’t think you’re the kind of person who normally does that. Like, if S2 sat down beside you and you were like ‘heyyyyyy big boy...’
W: So would only a vegan have organic semen?
P1: I don’t know how this Wikipedia article trail started, but I ended up on Ron Jeremy’s page and it says that he’s getting more and more popular because woman want to have sex with a man who doesn’t take Viagra and he doesn’t.
A1: What is it, like, organic porn?
A1: ‘I’m not a girl; not yet a woman...’
S8: Oh god...
P1: The way you sing it, it sounds like a country song.
A1: It should have been! It should have been a song for paedophiles!
P1: Sometimes I don’t wonder why certain people in this school don’t talk to us.
S2: That was fast.
C: I’m efficient.
P1: I love how you describe yourself as a machine. ‘I’m efficient.’
L: I can’t really picture you as someone who has their wedding pictures on Facebook.
P1: I like my wife!
L: I know it’s just, you know...
*C takes out notebook*
P1: Change like to love, please.
P1: You and your hormones.
V: They are a bit rabid and they take me to bad places.
K4: Last night the clown was yelling about html.
Q: I know everyone’s stressed out and it’s the end of the semester...
A1: I’m not stressed out; I just really don’t think you should wear earmuffs.
Q: Quit talking about the earmuffs.
P1: Something about you, C, tells me that in high school, all the nerds and geeks would have had a secret crush on you if you didn’t keep beating them up.
J2: It works. I can see it.
P1: Like, you probably wouldn’t physically beat them up, but they’d be like ‘hi, C, wanna go to the dance with me?’ and you’d be like ‘Why would I want to go with you’...
C: Mud wrestling!
P1: She wants us to mud wrestle.
A1: Jello shots!
P1: I’m going to be a great father.
C: I cannot wait ‘til you reproduce.
A1: Me neither. Can we have playdates when your kids kick my kids’ asses?
P1: They’ll bite them.
A: Actually, they may not do too bad, O***’s pretty bulky and I figure your kids are going to have birth defects or something because you’re all fucked up
P1: I’m going to teach them to hate all the right things and all the right people...
P1: Those poor geeks in high school.
C: I had friends who were geeks.
P1: You thought you were friends...They probably had, like, shrines to you and collected your hair.
A1: It’s ok; they’ve probably got computer science degrees and are dating bimbos now.
C: I actually murdered some of my imaginary friends when I was little. It was a bad day.
K5: The McCord museum has a Robert Munsch exhibit. It’s really good.
A1: Oh yeah, she’d love that.
same time: K1: Paper Bag Princess! & A1: The Scream!
P1: That’s the kind of talk I’ve been missing from you first years: ‘I want to kill myself.’ None of this ‘you’re so negative.’
P1: She’ll usually not post it, like, if you have a wife or husband and...
?: I better get a husband.
P1: You came to the right place. Like 3 straight guys in the whole program.
V: Well you don’t really experience it because once you get there it gets diffused because you’re male.
P: What? What about my maleness gets diffused?
A1: You look like a girl today.
C: I do?
A1: Is that your necklace matching your shirt I see?
C: I’ve been wearing this necklace for 3 days and I just put on this shirt..
A1: Sure....
Q: Who’d you take: Park vs. Large?
P: In a mudwrestling match?
K1: I can’t wait to retire.
Q: You can’t wait to retire? You haven’t started working.
P1: I can’t wait to retire either. Everytime I cross the street, I’m like ‘someone rich hit me, so I can sue.’
P1: It’s not a good idea to test your partner. Does he love me more than cigarettes? Does he love me more than video games? ‘Cause you gotta know where you rank. Ok, so I’m above cigarettes and below video games...
K1: Just so long as I’m above cigarettes, I don’t care about video games. I beat Super Mario Cart? last night!
Q: I’m like ‘this is stupid; these people have no arms!’
P1: They live downhill from the rich people so they all have birth defects. Didn’t you people listen to the theme song?
P1: Tell them you have a boyfriend.
C: Yeah, like they’ll believe that.
P1: I’ll make a Facebook page! What do you want this guy’s name to be? Eduardo?
P1: I could write cutesy messages on your wall as Eduardo.
C: Like I’d ever date someone who’d write cutesy fucking messages.
P1: You’re going to be alone your whole life.
AB: You just buy the kit from Loblaws and you build it with the icing. And you build it and then you smash it. I cut my hand that way once. I ate the bloody shards, though, don’t worry. (on gingerbread houses)
A: Another reason to get out of your parent’s house is when your mother thinks boxers can be hand-me-downs.
T: Do you mind if I throw a pillow at you?
A: You’re so polite; I don’t know that I can say no.
O: I always end up wearing odd things when my grandmother comes, because she wants me to, like, dress sexy...this is the grandmother who when we went to Amsterdam she took me to the red light district because she wanted to see the naked ladies...she said if she were me, she’d walk around naked all day.
O: And you lived next to this girl called ***
CC: Who always bit me, yeah...I was telling C before about how I had this neighbour who always bit me. I would come home covered in bite marks. She was very sweet....she was very sweet, except when she bit me.
CC: I remember she had chicken pox and mum made me hang out with her because she wanted me to catch it.
C: Did you?
CC: Yeah. I was pretty miserable. Itchy.
O: Were you the one who gave me chicken pox?
CC: When I get married, I am so making you wear lace. We should both do it.
O: No. When I get married, I would make my bridesmaids look beautiful and expect them to do the same for me.
CC: Ok, just C then. She can wear Doc Martens and a pink...lace...tutu.
C: Fuck you. Although the Doc Martens are ok.
CC: I wonder who’d win...C would win because she’s, like, violent. I’m nonviolent. I’m like the Care Bears. ‘Here, take my love!’
C: You drew a bunny with a bowtie beside your signature?
O: It’s valid. It’s my official signature. It’s on all my traveller’s cheques.
C: You are such a dork.
O: It’s from Sailor Moon!
O: So where does sex fit into this? You can’t have sex in Heaven; you can’t have sex in Hell, so now is the only time? So you should have lots?
C: ...Although he doesn’t have bloodflow and how the mechanism is supposed to work, and no one would tell me.
O: Nitrous oxide....so yes, that’s how vampire sex works.
O: You know how we evolved from people from the sea? We evolved from sea monsters. And that came out all wrong.
O: It’s the way I see you.
C: Thank you O***. I’m so flattered that you see darkness in my eyes.
O: But it’s a happy darkness.
CC: What do you see in my eyes?
O: Singing Disney animals.
__________________________
S: We have an organism in our fridge that gives off gas or something.
C&H: What?
B: You’ve created a new form of life.
S: ...And then you pour the salsa or whatever and you pour it in a bowl and it looks a little more bubbly than usual, but whatever. You smell it and it’s fine, but you taste it and no...and then you forget to recycle it or whatever and you leave it beside the sink for a week or something and then it explodes in a cloud of mist...and then I poured it down the sink and it clogged...my girlfriend gets pissed at me, because now everything I take out of her fridge, I smell it...
__________________________
T: Maybe something more peaceful. Teletubbies!
C: I am not. downloading. teletubbies. If I ever do, please kill me.
T: I have watched an episode of Teletubbies once.
C: Would you like me to kill you?
T: No. I came back from it a bitter and wiser person.
T: V** gave me a private talk on how I should curb my childishness while working on a nuclear reactor.
C: You can tell kids the most incredible lies...
CC: And they believe you! My nephews were over and my mum picked them up one in each arm and was like ‘I’m going to eat you!’ and J just started crying...she was like ‘No, don’t!’
C: Did you ever see Fred & Anna? It was this sex-ed video with cartoons...
CC: Oh, was that the one with the flying boobies and the flying penises singing ‘my body...’? I think that was the only sex ed I’ve ever had. I don’t think I had it anywhere...no, no, at school.
CC: I don’t know what to say when they’re like ‘we connect’ other than bite my tongue and try not to laugh. What would you say?
T: I would laugh.
S: So, you could buy like a packet of Play-dough...
A: Oh, I heard Plato...
H: Why wouldn’t you want an Irish accent?
A: But it’s scary.
S: I’d like one, but a 5”8, 6”2 tall guy...
H: Was that Alfie-Walfie?
C: Yes. Please never call him that again.
H: I’ll never call him that again.
H: Don’t fucking do that! (to Jet)
C: You’re going to teach him bad language!
H: True. Fuck yooouuu...
C: Hey!
C: So. Termites anecdotes?
T: I can tell you about natural gas...
C: Can you not?
T: You talked about your sphere or influence.
C: Termites are not exactly my sphere of influence. You didn’t even have a segueway.
T: One could say the chimneys of natural gas power plants look like termite mounds.
CC: You know how you can tell when someone wants to kiss you?
C: They get that look...
CC: And he was moving his face closer, and I was like ‘I can’t see the hockey game...’
A1: Looking at C’s face makes me gassy.
C: It’s my superpower.
P1: You make people uncomfortable.
C: I make them gassy.
P1: Yeah, like... ‘I think I need to fart...’ ...you know what you could do to make people really uncomfortable? Flirt with them. Because I don’t think you’re the kind of person who normally does that. Like, if S2 sat down beside you and you were like ‘heyyyyyy big boy...’
W: So would only a vegan have organic semen?
P1: I don’t know how this Wikipedia article trail started, but I ended up on Ron Jeremy’s page and it says that he’s getting more and more popular because woman want to have sex with a man who doesn’t take Viagra and he doesn’t.
A1: What is it, like, organic porn?
A1: ‘I’m not a girl; not yet a woman...’
S8: Oh god...
P1: The way you sing it, it sounds like a country song.
A1: It should have been! It should have been a song for paedophiles!
P1: Sometimes I don’t wonder why certain people in this school don’t talk to us.
S2: That was fast.
C: I’m efficient.
P1: I love how you describe yourself as a machine. ‘I’m efficient.’
L: I can’t really picture you as someone who has their wedding pictures on Facebook.
P1: I like my wife!
L: I know it’s just, you know...
*C takes out notebook*
P1: Change like to love, please.
P1: You and your hormones.
V: They are a bit rabid and they take me to bad places.
K4: Last night the clown was yelling about html.
Q: I know everyone’s stressed out and it’s the end of the semester...
A1: I’m not stressed out; I just really don’t think you should wear earmuffs.
Q: Quit talking about the earmuffs.
P1: Something about you, C, tells me that in high school, all the nerds and geeks would have had a secret crush on you if you didn’t keep beating them up.
J2: It works. I can see it.
P1: Like, you probably wouldn’t physically beat them up, but they’d be like ‘hi, C, wanna go to the dance with me?’ and you’d be like ‘Why would I want to go with you’...
C: Mud wrestling!
P1: She wants us to mud wrestle.
A1: Jello shots!
P1: I’m going to be a great father.
C: I cannot wait ‘til you reproduce.
A1: Me neither. Can we have playdates when your kids kick my kids’ asses?
P1: They’ll bite them.
A: Actually, they may not do too bad, O***’s pretty bulky and I figure your kids are going to have birth defects or something because you’re all fucked up
P1: I’m going to teach them to hate all the right things and all the right people...
P1: Those poor geeks in high school.
C: I had friends who were geeks.
P1: You thought you were friends...They probably had, like, shrines to you and collected your hair.
A1: It’s ok; they’ve probably got computer science degrees and are dating bimbos now.
C: I actually murdered some of my imaginary friends when I was little. It was a bad day.
K5: The McCord museum has a Robert Munsch exhibit. It’s really good.
A1: Oh yeah, she’d love that.
same time: K1: Paper Bag Princess! & A1: The Scream!
P1: That’s the kind of talk I’ve been missing from you first years: ‘I want to kill myself.’ None of this ‘you’re so negative.’
P1: She’ll usually not post it, like, if you have a wife or husband and...
?: I better get a husband.
P1: You came to the right place. Like 3 straight guys in the whole program.
V: Well you don’t really experience it because once you get there it gets diffused because you’re male.
P: What? What about my maleness gets diffused?
A1: You look like a girl today.
C: I do?
A1: Is that your necklace matching your shirt I see?
C: I’ve been wearing this necklace for 3 days and I just put on this shirt..
A1: Sure....
Q: Who’d you take: Park vs. Large?
P: In a mudwrestling match?
K1: I can’t wait to retire.
Q: You can’t wait to retire? You haven’t started working.
P1: I can’t wait to retire either. Everytime I cross the street, I’m like ‘someone rich hit me, so I can sue.’
P1: It’s not a good idea to test your partner. Does he love me more than cigarettes? Does he love me more than video games? ‘Cause you gotta know where you rank. Ok, so I’m above cigarettes and below video games...
K1: Just so long as I’m above cigarettes, I don’t care about video games. I beat Super Mario Cart? last night!
Q: I’m like ‘this is stupid; these people have no arms!’
P1: They live downhill from the rich people so they all have birth defects. Didn’t you people listen to the theme song?
P1: Tell them you have a boyfriend.
C: Yeah, like they’ll believe that.
P1: I’ll make a Facebook page! What do you want this guy’s name to be? Eduardo?
P1: I could write cutesy messages on your wall as Eduardo.
C: Like I’d ever date someone who’d write cutesy fucking messages.
P1: You’re going to be alone your whole life.
AB: You just buy the kit from Loblaws and you build it with the icing. And you build it and then you smash it. I cut my hand that way once. I ate the bloody shards, though, don’t worry. (on gingerbread houses)
A: Another reason to get out of your parent’s house is when your mother thinks boxers can be hand-me-downs.
T: Do you mind if I throw a pillow at you?
A: You’re so polite; I don’t know that I can say no.
O: I always end up wearing odd things when my grandmother comes, because she wants me to, like, dress sexy...this is the grandmother who when we went to Amsterdam she took me to the red light district because she wanted to see the naked ladies...she said if she were me, she’d walk around naked all day.
O: And you lived next to this girl called ***
CC: Who always bit me, yeah...I was telling C before about how I had this neighbour who always bit me. I would come home covered in bite marks. She was very sweet....she was very sweet, except when she bit me.
CC: I remember she had chicken pox and mum made me hang out with her because she wanted me to catch it.
C: Did you?
CC: Yeah. I was pretty miserable. Itchy.
O: Were you the one who gave me chicken pox?
CC: When I get married, I am so making you wear lace. We should both do it.
O: No. When I get married, I would make my bridesmaids look beautiful and expect them to do the same for me.
CC: Ok, just C then. She can wear Doc Martens and a pink...lace...tutu.
C: Fuck you. Although the Doc Martens are ok.
CC: I wonder who’d win...C would win because she’s, like, violent. I’m nonviolent. I’m like the Care Bears. ‘Here, take my love!’
C: You drew a bunny with a bowtie beside your signature?
O: It’s valid. It’s my official signature. It’s on all my traveller’s cheques.
C: You are such a dork.
O: It’s from Sailor Moon!
O: So where does sex fit into this? You can’t have sex in Heaven; you can’t have sex in Hell, so now is the only time? So you should have lots?
C: ...Although he doesn’t have bloodflow and how the mechanism is supposed to work, and no one would tell me.
O: Nitrous oxide....so yes, that’s how vampire sex works.
O: You know how we evolved from people from the sea? We evolved from sea monsters. And that came out all wrong.
O: It’s the way I see you.
C: Thank you O***. I’m so flattered that you see darkness in my eyes.
O: But it’s a happy darkness.
CC: What do you see in my eyes?
O: Singing Disney animals.
__________________________
S: We have an organism in our fridge that gives off gas or something.
C&H: What?
B: You’ve created a new form of life.
S: ...And then you pour the salsa or whatever and you pour it in a bowl and it looks a little more bubbly than usual, but whatever. You smell it and it’s fine, but you taste it and no...and then you forget to recycle it or whatever and you leave it beside the sink for a week or something and then it explodes in a cloud of mist...and then I poured it down the sink and it clogged...my girlfriend gets pissed at me, because now everything I take out of her fridge, I smell it...
__________________________
T: Maybe something more peaceful. Teletubbies!
C: I am not. downloading. teletubbies. If I ever do, please kill me.
T: I have watched an episode of Teletubbies once.
C: Would you like me to kill you?
T: No. I came back from it a bitter and wiser person.
T: V** gave me a private talk on how I should curb my childishness while working on a nuclear reactor.
C: You can tell kids the most incredible lies...
CC: And they believe you! My nephews were over and my mum picked them up one in each arm and was like ‘I’m going to eat you!’ and J just started crying...she was like ‘No, don’t!’
C: Did you ever see Fred & Anna? It was this sex-ed video with cartoons...
CC: Oh, was that the one with the flying boobies and the flying penises singing ‘my body...’? I think that was the only sex ed I’ve ever had. I don’t think I had it anywhere...no, no, at school.
CC: I don’t know what to say when they’re like ‘we connect’ other than bite my tongue and try not to laugh. What would you say?
T: I would laugh.
S: So, you could buy like a packet of Play-dough...
A: Oh, I heard Plato...
H: Why wouldn’t you want an Irish accent?
A: But it’s scary.
S: I’d like one, but a 5”8, 6”2 tall guy...
H: Was that Alfie-Walfie?
C: Yes. Please never call him that again.
H: I’ll never call him that again.
H: Don’t fucking do that! (to Jet)
C: You’re going to teach him bad language!
H: True. Fuck yooouuu...
C: Hey!
C: So. Termites anecdotes?
T: I can tell you about natural gas...
C: Can you not?
T: You talked about your sphere or influence.
C: Termites are not exactly my sphere of influence. You didn’t even have a segueway.
T: One could say the chimneys of natural gas power plants look like termite mounds.
CC: You know how you can tell when someone wants to kiss you?
C: They get that look...
CC: And he was moving his face closer, and I was like ‘I can’t see the hockey game...’
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