A1: Speaking of horrible things, I just heard a terrible joke. 'What do nine out of ten people enjoy?....Gang rape.' I've been holding it in, but it seemed the perfect moment, with the Rwanda...
V2: Telling that joke after talking about the Rwandan genocide is certainly an appropriate moment...
S9: P**** just sleeps in class.
A1: That's not true. Sometimes he spends an hour picking lint off himself.
C: So how's life?
S7: I'm getting something cut off of my tongue. I'm kind of excited. Well, not really.
S7: I've never felt this bad.
C: One guest lecture drove you to the depths of misery?
S7: I drew a hand turkey. But it was a YMCA turkey. So there was, like, a fireman, policeman, construction worker, sailor and leather guy. We called it 'Boredom Turkey.'
C: Leather guy?
S7: I dunno. P*** said it. he's dressed in leather. I almost posted it up there, because it's about the lowest you can sink....at the end of the class it turned into 'Suicide Turkey' because it hanged itself.
A1: It was like sad making out where you, like, slowly lick each other's face.
Q: He looked like he was comforting her & she looked like her dad just died.
A1: Maybe she was pregnant.
Q: Maybe she needed to get an abortion.
A1: That's so first year. I'm so over that. Like, get reliable birth control.
Q: Not first year, freshman.
A1: And those girls who need their boyfriends to come with them to get the morning after pill. - 'He doesn't support me' - 'He has class.'
C: I feel so dirty to have laughed at that joke.
A1: It's a little rough around the edges....where's P***?
P1: You have food!
C: Yes.
P1: You're eating!
C: Yes...
P1: I see three things in there! I didn't know you could eat three things.
C: Technically, I'm not supposed to be eating peas...
S1: There was this guy that, he couldn't afford alcohol, so he mixed gasoline with milk...and he threw up onto a fire...he was Canadian. You should be proud.
S7: I should have sold my virginity.
P1: You should have sold your virginity?!
S7: You know all those girls who are, like, selling their virginity for like $20 000...
P1: It's good C came in when you said that.
J2: You usually have to be patient, but you didn't have to wait at all...
A1: It's on Facebook.
R1: It's not names...?
C: Initials. Numbered initials.
P1: My wife figures out who I am really easily, though...and then she's like 'Do you talk about having alien babies with everyone in this school?''...
P1: Did you ever say something really funny and C's not there, and then you cursed yourself for not waiting until she showed up?
R1: It's really horrible to be sick & in pain.
A1: A**** would have to wipe your ass. I'm not saying she already doesn't...
P1: What the hell is wrong with you?
A1: Well, you know, if you're really sick, your wife has to change your diapers.
A1: Because if you look smart and have a low-cut top, you get the best of both worlds. Because what guy's going to say that's a downer?
A1: Because that's what makes it gay. The touching.
P1: Yeah. But it's not gay if you're playing Star Wars....I was joking.
A1: My therapist says I need to make friends. So I'm trying to make friends.
A1: I hate friends. Hate them.
A1: Who do you think our test subject should be? I think it should be P***. He'll give us some raunchy feedback.
C: Raunchy?
A1: Yeah, like; this website fucking sucks. Fuck you!'
A1: You could come over and we could make sculpys. You could make kittens and I could make otters. Or you could make baby seals and I could make clubs...
C: How do we say that politely?
A1: 'Do you have birth defects?'
C: I said politely.
A1: Ok, let me know if you think of a sensitive way, Miss Sensitive.
A1: Does anyone have a cellphone that plays 'Mary Had a Little lamb'?
R2; No, but I hear it too....there was a guy playing the flute in the student lounge.
A1: Sometimes I picture myself as a large otter and I crack things on my stomach....let's not tell my therapist about that, shall we?
C: And it would be pretty awkward trying to get them to get tested before you, you know, bite them...
R1: That's where being an information specialist comes in! i can crack the codes, find their medical history...
A1: You should pack yourself with dirty diapers so every time someone pokes you it smells like poop.
K4: Why would I do that?
A1: I don't know...
K4: How would that be in my best interests?
A1: It just came to me...
W: And you don't have a kid, so you'd have to make your own dirty diapers...
K4: how come every time I talk to you it ends up being about poop?
A1: I have a fecal obsession...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
February 3, 2009: No, that's ok. I don't need Chucky in a jar
S1: They're making me put my cream cheese on my own bagel!
C: Fascists!
S1: I'm so used to Tim Horton's, where they just smear it on for you.
K4: Yesterday P** was telling me how he bribed you to skip class.
C: And then it snowballed out of control...
K4: he was very proud of it. It was like one of his life's accomplishments.
C: Well, he bribed me with two bookstores. Not just one, two!
K4: Do I need to sing you the private square song? 'Hey you over there / This is my private square / R. A. P. E. / Stay the heck away from me!'
K4: I'm being molested in library school! That's the last place I would expect that!
A1: Are you kidding? All these antisocial creeps, nothing better to do than to poke me...
K4: I don't expect to be groped here!
A1: I look at all these people and it's like.. 'You haven't been laid in a long time. Don't touch me.'
A1: My hair hurts.
C: Your hair hasn't nerve endings.
A1: Smartass.
C: Would that be your scalp you're talking about?
A1: Well, you know, that thing I'm pulling.
A1: hard to tell who's the boss when you're married, because life's just this one continuous compromise. It's like being eaten to death by vampire bats. But in a nice way.
P1: maybe since we're like this weird alien race where, like, they're able to procreate just by proximity, so I impregnated you. That's not cheating, is it?
C: But why would you be having bladder problems too?
P1: Maybe the baby absorbs the renal powers of its parents.
C: At least the guy gets to suffer.
P1: it's more fair!
P1: We're a very advanced species. We realise it's the woman's choice.
A1: But she could take into account your sensibility by providing you with Chucky in a jar.
P1: No, that's ok. I don't need Chucky in a jar.
A1: She could get him cut out, put him in a jar and tie a bow and give it to you.
R1: Oh, nice.
A1: No! not nice! I can't have my husband smelling of magnolia!
__
CC: I'm always the man, wherever I go.
O: You'll always be my mother.
O: What kind of dominatrix are you?
T: Um..an expensive one.
O: What kind of dominatrices are there?
T: lists them...
C: You think about it in a very organised manner.
T: I've given the matter some thought.
O: I could be a dominatrix, part time.
C: No you couldn't. You'd laugh at them.
O: Actually, I've done that.
O: That's the way I like you, dark and bitter like my coffee. If I drink enough coffee, I could be like C*** some day!
O: Your eyes are like limpid pools of evil.
C: Thanks.
O: I actually wrote him a long e-mail the other day telling him he was irritating.
C: It wasn't a CC - style e-mail, with, like 'have a nice day :)' on the end?
O: No, it's a C-style e-mail. I actually copied and pasted some sentences from her e-mails. About 60% is plagiarised.
C: I feel so honoured.
O: I did. I lied during my Hooters' interview. There were 2 truthful things on my resume, and one of them was my name.
_____
1: It's all P***'s fault. He told us she writes down everything you say. Apparently your entire sex life is on Facebook.
V: I don't even have Facebook.
1: Her notes. You told me your entire sex life was on Facebook.
V: Well, I guess it is, then.
2: Good thing I don't have a sex life.
Q: ... and I forget the word for, like, the one that's under performing but has potential..
C: P?
Q: At my house, I'm cleaning, and the dryer lint is really soft and fluffy.
J1; See you later, alligator.
C: See ya.
J1: You're supposed to say 'In a while, crocodile.' Don't you know anything?!
S2: What are we talking about?
S1: Harlequin ichthyosis.
S2: Fair enough, fair enough. Okay.
S1: Horrible diseases and why you should abort your baby before it's born.
C: Fascists!
S1: I'm so used to Tim Horton's, where they just smear it on for you.
K4: Yesterday P** was telling me how he bribed you to skip class.
C: And then it snowballed out of control...
K4: he was very proud of it. It was like one of his life's accomplishments.
C: Well, he bribed me with two bookstores. Not just one, two!
K4: Do I need to sing you the private square song? 'Hey you over there / This is my private square / R. A. P. E. / Stay the heck away from me!'
K4: I'm being molested in library school! That's the last place I would expect that!
A1: Are you kidding? All these antisocial creeps, nothing better to do than to poke me...
K4: I don't expect to be groped here!
A1: I look at all these people and it's like.. 'You haven't been laid in a long time. Don't touch me.'
A1: My hair hurts.
C: Your hair hasn't nerve endings.
A1: Smartass.
C: Would that be your scalp you're talking about?
A1: Well, you know, that thing I'm pulling.
A1: hard to tell who's the boss when you're married, because life's just this one continuous compromise. It's like being eaten to death by vampire bats. But in a nice way.
P1: maybe since we're like this weird alien race where, like, they're able to procreate just by proximity, so I impregnated you. That's not cheating, is it?
C: But why would you be having bladder problems too?
P1: Maybe the baby absorbs the renal powers of its parents.
C: At least the guy gets to suffer.
P1: it's more fair!
P1: We're a very advanced species. We realise it's the woman's choice.
A1: But she could take into account your sensibility by providing you with Chucky in a jar.
P1: No, that's ok. I don't need Chucky in a jar.
A1: She could get him cut out, put him in a jar and tie a bow and give it to you.
R1: Oh, nice.
A1: No! not nice! I can't have my husband smelling of magnolia!
__
CC: I'm always the man, wherever I go.
O: You'll always be my mother.
O: What kind of dominatrix are you?
T: Um..an expensive one.
O: What kind of dominatrices are there?
T: lists them...
C: You think about it in a very organised manner.
T: I've given the matter some thought.
O: I could be a dominatrix, part time.
C: No you couldn't. You'd laugh at them.
O: Actually, I've done that.
O: That's the way I like you, dark and bitter like my coffee. If I drink enough coffee, I could be like C*** some day!
O: Your eyes are like limpid pools of evil.
C: Thanks.
O: I actually wrote him a long e-mail the other day telling him he was irritating.
C: It wasn't a CC - style e-mail, with, like 'have a nice day :)' on the end?
O: No, it's a C-style e-mail. I actually copied and pasted some sentences from her e-mails. About 60% is plagiarised.
C: I feel so honoured.
O: I did. I lied during my Hooters' interview. There were 2 truthful things on my resume, and one of them was my name.
_____
1: It's all P***'s fault. He told us she writes down everything you say. Apparently your entire sex life is on Facebook.
V: I don't even have Facebook.
1: Her notes. You told me your entire sex life was on Facebook.
V: Well, I guess it is, then.
2: Good thing I don't have a sex life.
Q: ... and I forget the word for, like, the one that's under performing but has potential..
C: P?
Q: At my house, I'm cleaning, and the dryer lint is really soft and fluffy.
J1; See you later, alligator.
C: See ya.
J1: You're supposed to say 'In a while, crocodile.' Don't you know anything?!
S2: What are we talking about?
S1: Harlequin ichthyosis.
S2: Fair enough, fair enough. Okay.
S1: Horrible diseases and why you should abort your baby before it's born.
January 11, 200: Quit talking about the earmuffs
A1: Children’s librarian. I could be a children’s librarian. I don’t mind dressing up in princess dresses. Not at all.
A1: Looking at C’s face makes me gassy.
C: It’s my superpower.
P1: You make people uncomfortable.
C: I make them gassy.
P1: Yeah, like... ‘I think I need to fart...’ ...you know what you could do to make people really uncomfortable? Flirt with them. Because I don’t think you’re the kind of person who normally does that. Like, if S2 sat down beside you and you were like ‘heyyyyyy big boy...’
W: So would only a vegan have organic semen?
P1: I don’t know how this Wikipedia article trail started, but I ended up on Ron Jeremy’s page and it says that he’s getting more and more popular because woman want to have sex with a man who doesn’t take Viagra and he doesn’t.
A1: What is it, like, organic porn?
A1: ‘I’m not a girl; not yet a woman...’
S8: Oh god...
P1: The way you sing it, it sounds like a country song.
A1: It should have been! It should have been a song for paedophiles!
P1: Sometimes I don’t wonder why certain people in this school don’t talk to us.
S2: That was fast.
C: I’m efficient.
P1: I love how you describe yourself as a machine. ‘I’m efficient.’
L: I can’t really picture you as someone who has their wedding pictures on Facebook.
P1: I like my wife!
L: I know it’s just, you know...
*C takes out notebook*
P1: Change like to love, please.
P1: You and your hormones.
V: They are a bit rabid and they take me to bad places.
K4: Last night the clown was yelling about html.
Q: I know everyone’s stressed out and it’s the end of the semester...
A1: I’m not stressed out; I just really don’t think you should wear earmuffs.
Q: Quit talking about the earmuffs.
P1: Something about you, C, tells me that in high school, all the nerds and geeks would have had a secret crush on you if you didn’t keep beating them up.
J2: It works. I can see it.
P1: Like, you probably wouldn’t physically beat them up, but they’d be like ‘hi, C, wanna go to the dance with me?’ and you’d be like ‘Why would I want to go with you’...
C: Mud wrestling!
P1: She wants us to mud wrestle.
A1: Jello shots!
P1: I’m going to be a great father.
C: I cannot wait ‘til you reproduce.
A1: Me neither. Can we have playdates when your kids kick my kids’ asses?
P1: They’ll bite them.
A: Actually, they may not do too bad, O***’s pretty bulky and I figure your kids are going to have birth defects or something because you’re all fucked up
P1: I’m going to teach them to hate all the right things and all the right people...
P1: Those poor geeks in high school.
C: I had friends who were geeks.
P1: You thought you were friends...They probably had, like, shrines to you and collected your hair.
A1: It’s ok; they’ve probably got computer science degrees and are dating bimbos now.
C: I actually murdered some of my imaginary friends when I was little. It was a bad day.
K5: The McCord museum has a Robert Munsch exhibit. It’s really good.
A1: Oh yeah, she’d love that.
same time: K1: Paper Bag Princess! & A1: The Scream!
P1: That’s the kind of talk I’ve been missing from you first years: ‘I want to kill myself.’ None of this ‘you’re so negative.’
P1: She’ll usually not post it, like, if you have a wife or husband and...
?: I better get a husband.
P1: You came to the right place. Like 3 straight guys in the whole program.
V: Well you don’t really experience it because once you get there it gets diffused because you’re male.
P: What? What about my maleness gets diffused?
A1: You look like a girl today.
C: I do?
A1: Is that your necklace matching your shirt I see?
C: I’ve been wearing this necklace for 3 days and I just put on this shirt..
A1: Sure....
Q: Who’d you take: Park vs. Large?
P: In a mudwrestling match?
K1: I can’t wait to retire.
Q: You can’t wait to retire? You haven’t started working.
P1: I can’t wait to retire either. Everytime I cross the street, I’m like ‘someone rich hit me, so I can sue.’
P1: It’s not a good idea to test your partner. Does he love me more than cigarettes? Does he love me more than video games? ‘Cause you gotta know where you rank. Ok, so I’m above cigarettes and below video games...
K1: Just so long as I’m above cigarettes, I don’t care about video games. I beat Super Mario Cart? last night!
Q: I’m like ‘this is stupid; these people have no arms!’
P1: They live downhill from the rich people so they all have birth defects. Didn’t you people listen to the theme song?
P1: Tell them you have a boyfriend.
C: Yeah, like they’ll believe that.
P1: I’ll make a Facebook page! What do you want this guy’s name to be? Eduardo?
P1: I could write cutesy messages on your wall as Eduardo.
C: Like I’d ever date someone who’d write cutesy fucking messages.
P1: You’re going to be alone your whole life.
AB: You just buy the kit from Loblaws and you build it with the icing. And you build it and then you smash it. I cut my hand that way once. I ate the bloody shards, though, don’t worry. (on gingerbread houses)
A: Another reason to get out of your parent’s house is when your mother thinks boxers can be hand-me-downs.
T: Do you mind if I throw a pillow at you?
A: You’re so polite; I don’t know that I can say no.
O: I always end up wearing odd things when my grandmother comes, because she wants me to, like, dress sexy...this is the grandmother who when we went to Amsterdam she took me to the red light district because she wanted to see the naked ladies...she said if she were me, she’d walk around naked all day.
O: And you lived next to this girl called ***
CC: Who always bit me, yeah...I was telling C before about how I had this neighbour who always bit me. I would come home covered in bite marks. She was very sweet....she was very sweet, except when she bit me.
CC: I remember she had chicken pox and mum made me hang out with her because she wanted me to catch it.
C: Did you?
CC: Yeah. I was pretty miserable. Itchy.
O: Were you the one who gave me chicken pox?
CC: When I get married, I am so making you wear lace. We should both do it.
O: No. When I get married, I would make my bridesmaids look beautiful and expect them to do the same for me.
CC: Ok, just C then. She can wear Doc Martens and a pink...lace...tutu.
C: Fuck you. Although the Doc Martens are ok.
CC: I wonder who’d win...C would win because she’s, like, violent. I’m nonviolent. I’m like the Care Bears. ‘Here, take my love!’
C: You drew a bunny with a bowtie beside your signature?
O: It’s valid. It’s my official signature. It’s on all my traveller’s cheques.
C: You are such a dork.
O: It’s from Sailor Moon!
O: So where does sex fit into this? You can’t have sex in Heaven; you can’t have sex in Hell, so now is the only time? So you should have lots?
C: ...Although he doesn’t have bloodflow and how the mechanism is supposed to work, and no one would tell me.
O: Nitrous oxide....so yes, that’s how vampire sex works.
O: You know how we evolved from people from the sea? We evolved from sea monsters. And that came out all wrong.
O: It’s the way I see you.
C: Thank you O***. I’m so flattered that you see darkness in my eyes.
O: But it’s a happy darkness.
CC: What do you see in my eyes?
O: Singing Disney animals.
__________________________
S: We have an organism in our fridge that gives off gas or something.
C&H: What?
B: You’ve created a new form of life.
S: ...And then you pour the salsa or whatever and you pour it in a bowl and it looks a little more bubbly than usual, but whatever. You smell it and it’s fine, but you taste it and no...and then you forget to recycle it or whatever and you leave it beside the sink for a week or something and then it explodes in a cloud of mist...and then I poured it down the sink and it clogged...my girlfriend gets pissed at me, because now everything I take out of her fridge, I smell it...
__________________________
T: Maybe something more peaceful. Teletubbies!
C: I am not. downloading. teletubbies. If I ever do, please kill me.
T: I have watched an episode of Teletubbies once.
C: Would you like me to kill you?
T: No. I came back from it a bitter and wiser person.
T: V** gave me a private talk on how I should curb my childishness while working on a nuclear reactor.
C: You can tell kids the most incredible lies...
CC: And they believe you! My nephews were over and my mum picked them up one in each arm and was like ‘I’m going to eat you!’ and J just started crying...she was like ‘No, don’t!’
C: Did you ever see Fred & Anna? It was this sex-ed video with cartoons...
CC: Oh, was that the one with the flying boobies and the flying penises singing ‘my body...’? I think that was the only sex ed I’ve ever had. I don’t think I had it anywhere...no, no, at school.
CC: I don’t know what to say when they’re like ‘we connect’ other than bite my tongue and try not to laugh. What would you say?
T: I would laugh.
S: So, you could buy like a packet of Play-dough...
A: Oh, I heard Plato...
H: Why wouldn’t you want an Irish accent?
A: But it’s scary.
S: I’d like one, but a 5”8, 6”2 tall guy...
H: Was that Alfie-Walfie?
C: Yes. Please never call him that again.
H: I’ll never call him that again.
H: Don’t fucking do that! (to Jet)
C: You’re going to teach him bad language!
H: True. Fuck yooouuu...
C: Hey!
C: So. Termites anecdotes?
T: I can tell you about natural gas...
C: Can you not?
T: You talked about your sphere or influence.
C: Termites are not exactly my sphere of influence. You didn’t even have a segueway.
T: One could say the chimneys of natural gas power plants look like termite mounds.
CC: You know how you can tell when someone wants to kiss you?
C: They get that look...
CC: And he was moving his face closer, and I was like ‘I can’t see the hockey game...’
A1: Looking at C’s face makes me gassy.
C: It’s my superpower.
P1: You make people uncomfortable.
C: I make them gassy.
P1: Yeah, like... ‘I think I need to fart...’ ...you know what you could do to make people really uncomfortable? Flirt with them. Because I don’t think you’re the kind of person who normally does that. Like, if S2 sat down beside you and you were like ‘heyyyyyy big boy...’
W: So would only a vegan have organic semen?
P1: I don’t know how this Wikipedia article trail started, but I ended up on Ron Jeremy’s page and it says that he’s getting more and more popular because woman want to have sex with a man who doesn’t take Viagra and he doesn’t.
A1: What is it, like, organic porn?
A1: ‘I’m not a girl; not yet a woman...’
S8: Oh god...
P1: The way you sing it, it sounds like a country song.
A1: It should have been! It should have been a song for paedophiles!
P1: Sometimes I don’t wonder why certain people in this school don’t talk to us.
S2: That was fast.
C: I’m efficient.
P1: I love how you describe yourself as a machine. ‘I’m efficient.’
L: I can’t really picture you as someone who has their wedding pictures on Facebook.
P1: I like my wife!
L: I know it’s just, you know...
*C takes out notebook*
P1: Change like to love, please.
P1: You and your hormones.
V: They are a bit rabid and they take me to bad places.
K4: Last night the clown was yelling about html.
Q: I know everyone’s stressed out and it’s the end of the semester...
A1: I’m not stressed out; I just really don’t think you should wear earmuffs.
Q: Quit talking about the earmuffs.
P1: Something about you, C, tells me that in high school, all the nerds and geeks would have had a secret crush on you if you didn’t keep beating them up.
J2: It works. I can see it.
P1: Like, you probably wouldn’t physically beat them up, but they’d be like ‘hi, C, wanna go to the dance with me?’ and you’d be like ‘Why would I want to go with you’...
C: Mud wrestling!
P1: She wants us to mud wrestle.
A1: Jello shots!
P1: I’m going to be a great father.
C: I cannot wait ‘til you reproduce.
A1: Me neither. Can we have playdates when your kids kick my kids’ asses?
P1: They’ll bite them.
A: Actually, they may not do too bad, O***’s pretty bulky and I figure your kids are going to have birth defects or something because you’re all fucked up
P1: I’m going to teach them to hate all the right things and all the right people...
P1: Those poor geeks in high school.
C: I had friends who were geeks.
P1: You thought you were friends...They probably had, like, shrines to you and collected your hair.
A1: It’s ok; they’ve probably got computer science degrees and are dating bimbos now.
C: I actually murdered some of my imaginary friends when I was little. It was a bad day.
K5: The McCord museum has a Robert Munsch exhibit. It’s really good.
A1: Oh yeah, she’d love that.
same time: K1: Paper Bag Princess! & A1: The Scream!
P1: That’s the kind of talk I’ve been missing from you first years: ‘I want to kill myself.’ None of this ‘you’re so negative.’
P1: She’ll usually not post it, like, if you have a wife or husband and...
?: I better get a husband.
P1: You came to the right place. Like 3 straight guys in the whole program.
V: Well you don’t really experience it because once you get there it gets diffused because you’re male.
P: What? What about my maleness gets diffused?
A1: You look like a girl today.
C: I do?
A1: Is that your necklace matching your shirt I see?
C: I’ve been wearing this necklace for 3 days and I just put on this shirt..
A1: Sure....
Q: Who’d you take: Park vs. Large?
P: In a mudwrestling match?
K1: I can’t wait to retire.
Q: You can’t wait to retire? You haven’t started working.
P1: I can’t wait to retire either. Everytime I cross the street, I’m like ‘someone rich hit me, so I can sue.’
P1: It’s not a good idea to test your partner. Does he love me more than cigarettes? Does he love me more than video games? ‘Cause you gotta know where you rank. Ok, so I’m above cigarettes and below video games...
K1: Just so long as I’m above cigarettes, I don’t care about video games. I beat Super Mario Cart? last night!
Q: I’m like ‘this is stupid; these people have no arms!’
P1: They live downhill from the rich people so they all have birth defects. Didn’t you people listen to the theme song?
P1: Tell them you have a boyfriend.
C: Yeah, like they’ll believe that.
P1: I’ll make a Facebook page! What do you want this guy’s name to be? Eduardo?
P1: I could write cutesy messages on your wall as Eduardo.
C: Like I’d ever date someone who’d write cutesy fucking messages.
P1: You’re going to be alone your whole life.
AB: You just buy the kit from Loblaws and you build it with the icing. And you build it and then you smash it. I cut my hand that way once. I ate the bloody shards, though, don’t worry. (on gingerbread houses)
A: Another reason to get out of your parent’s house is when your mother thinks boxers can be hand-me-downs.
T: Do you mind if I throw a pillow at you?
A: You’re so polite; I don’t know that I can say no.
O: I always end up wearing odd things when my grandmother comes, because she wants me to, like, dress sexy...this is the grandmother who when we went to Amsterdam she took me to the red light district because she wanted to see the naked ladies...she said if she were me, she’d walk around naked all day.
O: And you lived next to this girl called ***
CC: Who always bit me, yeah...I was telling C before about how I had this neighbour who always bit me. I would come home covered in bite marks. She was very sweet....she was very sweet, except when she bit me.
CC: I remember she had chicken pox and mum made me hang out with her because she wanted me to catch it.
C: Did you?
CC: Yeah. I was pretty miserable. Itchy.
O: Were you the one who gave me chicken pox?
CC: When I get married, I am so making you wear lace. We should both do it.
O: No. When I get married, I would make my bridesmaids look beautiful and expect them to do the same for me.
CC: Ok, just C then. She can wear Doc Martens and a pink...lace...tutu.
C: Fuck you. Although the Doc Martens are ok.
CC: I wonder who’d win...C would win because she’s, like, violent. I’m nonviolent. I’m like the Care Bears. ‘Here, take my love!’
C: You drew a bunny with a bowtie beside your signature?
O: It’s valid. It’s my official signature. It’s on all my traveller’s cheques.
C: You are such a dork.
O: It’s from Sailor Moon!
O: So where does sex fit into this? You can’t have sex in Heaven; you can’t have sex in Hell, so now is the only time? So you should have lots?
C: ...Although he doesn’t have bloodflow and how the mechanism is supposed to work, and no one would tell me.
O: Nitrous oxide....so yes, that’s how vampire sex works.
O: You know how we evolved from people from the sea? We evolved from sea monsters. And that came out all wrong.
O: It’s the way I see you.
C: Thank you O***. I’m so flattered that you see darkness in my eyes.
O: But it’s a happy darkness.
CC: What do you see in my eyes?
O: Singing Disney animals.
__________________________
S: We have an organism in our fridge that gives off gas or something.
C&H: What?
B: You’ve created a new form of life.
S: ...And then you pour the salsa or whatever and you pour it in a bowl and it looks a little more bubbly than usual, but whatever. You smell it and it’s fine, but you taste it and no...and then you forget to recycle it or whatever and you leave it beside the sink for a week or something and then it explodes in a cloud of mist...and then I poured it down the sink and it clogged...my girlfriend gets pissed at me, because now everything I take out of her fridge, I smell it...
__________________________
T: Maybe something more peaceful. Teletubbies!
C: I am not. downloading. teletubbies. If I ever do, please kill me.
T: I have watched an episode of Teletubbies once.
C: Would you like me to kill you?
T: No. I came back from it a bitter and wiser person.
T: V** gave me a private talk on how I should curb my childishness while working on a nuclear reactor.
C: You can tell kids the most incredible lies...
CC: And they believe you! My nephews were over and my mum picked them up one in each arm and was like ‘I’m going to eat you!’ and J just started crying...she was like ‘No, don’t!’
C: Did you ever see Fred & Anna? It was this sex-ed video with cartoons...
CC: Oh, was that the one with the flying boobies and the flying penises singing ‘my body...’? I think that was the only sex ed I’ve ever had. I don’t think I had it anywhere...no, no, at school.
CC: I don’t know what to say when they’re like ‘we connect’ other than bite my tongue and try not to laugh. What would you say?
T: I would laugh.
S: So, you could buy like a packet of Play-dough...
A: Oh, I heard Plato...
H: Why wouldn’t you want an Irish accent?
A: But it’s scary.
S: I’d like one, but a 5”8, 6”2 tall guy...
H: Was that Alfie-Walfie?
C: Yes. Please never call him that again.
H: I’ll never call him that again.
H: Don’t fucking do that! (to Jet)
C: You’re going to teach him bad language!
H: True. Fuck yooouuu...
C: Hey!
C: So. Termites anecdotes?
T: I can tell you about natural gas...
C: Can you not?
T: You talked about your sphere or influence.
C: Termites are not exactly my sphere of influence. You didn’t even have a segueway.
T: One could say the chimneys of natural gas power plants look like termite mounds.
CC: You know how you can tell when someone wants to kiss you?
C: They get that look...
CC: And he was moving his face closer, and I was like ‘I can’t see the hockey game...’
November 18, 2008: Toes aren't as bad as an unbent elbow
C2: Plus, it was full of grammar mistakes.
S1: I know, that is such a turn-off.
C2: No commas, spelling errors...
J1: They were like ‘Does it do double-sided?’ I don’t fucking know! We photocopied our hands!
W: A thousand dollars to sell your body? I think it should be more.
C: Yeah...
S1: It’s five thousand for your torso. But then you’d be dead.
W: It costs more to buy a torso than your entire body? I guess it’s the labour involved...
K1: Would you take a poop log?
S1: Would I do what with a poop log?
K1: Would you take a poop log for someone?
S1: Like record the sounds or something?
A1: Do it, just so I can secretly know that someone peed in the sink.
S1: It’s easier for boys, though.
C: Get P**** to do it.
S1: I’m sure P*** would pee in the sink for you.
A1: That sounds....wrong.
K1: I know, eh?
S1: Will you pee in the sink for A****?
P1: Sure.
K4: Just for A***, or for any of us?
S1: Because I would have to, like squat, and it’s all awkward.
A1: I’ve peed in a sink before; it’s not that bad.
A1: I’ve peed on car bumpers! In the winter.
C: Why did I hit P***, by the way?
K4: He’s been hitting me. He’s been hitting me ‘till I hit back but I won’t hit back. But I’ve found outsourcing works. And people are surprisingly willing to hit P****. Like, you didn’t even stop to ask why.
V: Wow, I was just doing the imperial death march, and now you sound like Darth Vader.
C: Go team?
V: I know; it’s very intuitive.
P1: We need a new Enlightenment. The first one didn’t...
C: Take.
P1: Take, yes. That’s exactly what I was thinking.
P1: You’re a PC. You keep crashing all the time.
C: Ouch.
P1: I’ve seen you lying on the couch, twitching...You’re a PC.
C: That’s depressing.
P1: And I’m a MAC. I’ve got all these cool abilities, but I never use them because you’re used to using a PC....I don’t think that’s any better.
C: I probably stayed in the pod longer.
P1: Yes, exactly! When my pod crashed, the stasis broke and I started developing right away and was adopted by my parents. But your pod took longer to crack, which is why you’re four years younger.
P1: And we were placed here as an experiment. When it was originally colonised, they placed two beings here, one that’s emotional all the time and one that just likes killing things.....this was before they realised at home that these people should be killed at birth. At home they’re all like us.
C: Maybe we’ll get to go home one day.
A1: It’s like birthing an alien baby – you just want to get it done.
P1: And we’ve all been there...
J1: Don’t they just do the jobs that the Americans don’t want?
A1: Yeah, but we’re proud of those jobs! They’re the jobs they write country songs about! It’s a big industry...
V (on pubic hair): I think at one point it was there to keep like twigs and berries...
V: And this guy wrote ‘To the guy who took a crap on my bicycle seat. Wow.’
P1: That takes talent.
V: The sheer logistics of it...
J1: I love Craigslist. It got me a bicycle.
C: And a photocopier.
J1: I kind of hate Craigslist.
P1: I’m right and everyone else is confused! This is the first time this semester!
P1: What do you mean “two-pronged”?!?
V: Like, *gestures*.
W: Because some animals have one bone in their penis and others have two...
P1: If a ninja vampire had a baby with a pirate werewolf, it would be Indiana Jones, according to C.
A1: That’s kind of anticlimactic.
P1: You can’t pack that much awesomeness in one person. Like, it could be all those things but it would probably still vote for Stephen Harper.
V: I just picture sand as like a yeast infection waiting to happen...
P1: Yeah, there are some places you just don’t want to exfoliate.
V: It’s like a small country, this cookie. I just ate Guam.
W: That’s a territory.
V: That’s a territory.
P1: You just ate Liechtenstein.
P1: I’m surprised our exam wasn’t on pink paper.
Q: I’m surprised he didn’t show up in drag.
P1: Cannibalism is technically vegan.
Q: What, because humans aren’t animals?
A1 (on photos): because it’s election day! I want to remember it.
P1: Remember it with your fucking brain!
A1: You know my brain doesn’t work.
S7: I tried to make rice crispie squares and it was disastrous.
S1: How hard can it be? I did it when I was twelve.
P1: Toes aren’t as bad as an unbent elbow...there are no possible ways an unbent elbow can be sexy or attractive.
A1: I’m sure there’s a fetish. Like, it looks like nipples....it’s maybe like a 30-year-old nipple after breast-feeding.
A1: What would you get if you had to give everyone the same thing for Christmas?
Q: Chocolate.
S1: Socks.
A1: I like hers.
P1: Fellatio.
P1: Every conversation I have with you people, I lose more and more respect for you. First porn clubs, then Mormon porn...
S1: ‘Ye gods’ – you wrote ‘ye gods’?
C: Yes. Yes I did.
S1: What’s this, ‘death to penis’?
C: Pennies!
V: This is what I think of you, case study.
C: That’s a little creepy.
V: I bleed on you. I am creepy.
P: If you want to get sick and miss class, I can spit in your mouth or your food.
A1: I touched the keyboard in the lab – I’m probably going to get sick anyway.
S1: I know, that is such a turn-off.
C2: No commas, spelling errors...
J1: They were like ‘Does it do double-sided?’ I don’t fucking know! We photocopied our hands!
W: A thousand dollars to sell your body? I think it should be more.
C: Yeah...
S1: It’s five thousand for your torso. But then you’d be dead.
W: It costs more to buy a torso than your entire body? I guess it’s the labour involved...
K1: Would you take a poop log?
S1: Would I do what with a poop log?
K1: Would you take a poop log for someone?
S1: Like record the sounds or something?
A1: Do it, just so I can secretly know that someone peed in the sink.
S1: It’s easier for boys, though.
C: Get P**** to do it.
S1: I’m sure P*** would pee in the sink for you.
A1: That sounds....wrong.
K1: I know, eh?
S1: Will you pee in the sink for A****?
P1: Sure.
K4: Just for A***, or for any of us?
S1: Because I would have to, like squat, and it’s all awkward.
A1: I’ve peed in a sink before; it’s not that bad.
A1: I’ve peed on car bumpers! In the winter.
C: Why did I hit P***, by the way?
K4: He’s been hitting me. He’s been hitting me ‘till I hit back but I won’t hit back. But I’ve found outsourcing works. And people are surprisingly willing to hit P****. Like, you didn’t even stop to ask why.
V: Wow, I was just doing the imperial death march, and now you sound like Darth Vader.
C: Go team?
V: I know; it’s very intuitive.
P1: We need a new Enlightenment. The first one didn’t...
C: Take.
P1: Take, yes. That’s exactly what I was thinking.
P1: You’re a PC. You keep crashing all the time.
C: Ouch.
P1: I’ve seen you lying on the couch, twitching...You’re a PC.
C: That’s depressing.
P1: And I’m a MAC. I’ve got all these cool abilities, but I never use them because you’re used to using a PC....I don’t think that’s any better.
C: I probably stayed in the pod longer.
P1: Yes, exactly! When my pod crashed, the stasis broke and I started developing right away and was adopted by my parents. But your pod took longer to crack, which is why you’re four years younger.
P1: And we were placed here as an experiment. When it was originally colonised, they placed two beings here, one that’s emotional all the time and one that just likes killing things.....this was before they realised at home that these people should be killed at birth. At home they’re all like us.
C: Maybe we’ll get to go home one day.
A1: It’s like birthing an alien baby – you just want to get it done.
P1: And we’ve all been there...
J1: Don’t they just do the jobs that the Americans don’t want?
A1: Yeah, but we’re proud of those jobs! They’re the jobs they write country songs about! It’s a big industry...
V (on pubic hair): I think at one point it was there to keep like twigs and berries...
V: And this guy wrote ‘To the guy who took a crap on my bicycle seat. Wow.’
P1: That takes talent.
V: The sheer logistics of it...
J1: I love Craigslist. It got me a bicycle.
C: And a photocopier.
J1: I kind of hate Craigslist.
P1: I’m right and everyone else is confused! This is the first time this semester!
P1: What do you mean “two-pronged”?!?
V: Like, *gestures*.
W: Because some animals have one bone in their penis and others have two...
P1: If a ninja vampire had a baby with a pirate werewolf, it would be Indiana Jones, according to C.
A1: That’s kind of anticlimactic.
P1: You can’t pack that much awesomeness in one person. Like, it could be all those things but it would probably still vote for Stephen Harper.
V: I just picture sand as like a yeast infection waiting to happen...
P1: Yeah, there are some places you just don’t want to exfoliate.
V: It’s like a small country, this cookie. I just ate Guam.
W: That’s a territory.
V: That’s a territory.
P1: You just ate Liechtenstein.
P1: I’m surprised our exam wasn’t on pink paper.
Q: I’m surprised he didn’t show up in drag.
P1: Cannibalism is technically vegan.
Q: What, because humans aren’t animals?
A1 (on photos): because it’s election day! I want to remember it.
P1: Remember it with your fucking brain!
A1: You know my brain doesn’t work.
S7: I tried to make rice crispie squares and it was disastrous.
S1: How hard can it be? I did it when I was twelve.
P1: Toes aren’t as bad as an unbent elbow...there are no possible ways an unbent elbow can be sexy or attractive.
A1: I’m sure there’s a fetish. Like, it looks like nipples....it’s maybe like a 30-year-old nipple after breast-feeding.
A1: What would you get if you had to give everyone the same thing for Christmas?
Q: Chocolate.
S1: Socks.
A1: I like hers.
P1: Fellatio.
P1: Every conversation I have with you people, I lose more and more respect for you. First porn clubs, then Mormon porn...
S1: ‘Ye gods’ – you wrote ‘ye gods’?
C: Yes. Yes I did.
S1: What’s this, ‘death to penis’?
C: Pennies!
V: This is what I think of you, case study.
C: That’s a little creepy.
V: I bleed on you. I am creepy.
P: If you want to get sick and miss class, I can spit in your mouth or your food.
A1: I touched the keyboard in the lab – I’m probably going to get sick anyway.
October 26, 2008: the Island of Misfit Toys
S1: Where’s your tan line?! You were supposed to be getting a tan!
K4: ...ok, so, this guy was like “I’m getting married” and we’re like ‘oh, that’s nice” and then he said “We’re getting married. But were not..” and we were like “engaged?..” and he said “no..we’re getting married but we – how you say it in English? – Gangbang.”
K4: We met a bachelor party. And the bachelor was in love with W***.....and then he went up to her and was like “I want to taste your lips. I don’t want to make love to you; I want to taste your lips. I can feel myself inside you...”
J1: I’m not here. I’m here in spirit but my body’s not here. No. Wait. The other way around. I’m here in body but my spirit’s at home...
J1: It’s good that you’re confident in your sexuality.
P1: I am. I was telling A*** that there are three pictures from this weekend of me kissing guys..
P1: So she was like “I want to take a picture of you guys!” and I was thinking I was going to kiss him and he wouldn’t guess and he was like ‘I’m going to lick his face and he won’t suspect it’ and she took the picture at just the right moment when he was licking my lips.
J1: There’s always that moment when the class is zoning out and she calls some StatsCan website “sexy”...
P1: Little do they know...
P1: Apparently fresh bread is the most potent aphrodisiac....so be very suspicious of boys offering you fresh bread. ‘Would you like some bread? It’s fresh! Have a whiff..’ ; ‘Are you trying to seduce me?’
P1: There’s a hair on my shoe. It’s probably J**’s.
P1: He’s like a cross between Q and me except tall and with glasses and better-looking.
S8: So why exactly is he a cross between you guys?
P1: That was the joke. And ouch.
A1: I always picture humans turning into hamsters or gerbils or something; you have too many children: you eat someone. Although in our case you just let them die...
A1: She totally reminds me of that rabbit that’s in your backyard sniffing at your lettuce and your dog goes to sniff its butt and it bites your dog’s head off. That to me is Sarah Palin. Those big eyes...the vampire rabbit!
A1: It’s fun here...it’s Stockholm Syndrome, that’s what it is!
Q: Well, I am Swedish.
A1: I love P...K’s so friendly...
A1: There’s nothing better than vodka with, like, ten olives. It’s practically a condiment!
P1: Have you ever found a really long white hair somewhere on your body?
S8 How long exactly?
P1: I never thought of that. To think of how depressing this school is – how much more depressing it would be as a single girl. Not to rub it in your faces...
(on dating someone also in library school)
P1: Plus, you could have ‘If you do the project, I’ll give you sexual favours’
S8: I’d do that.
P1: I’ll cook, clean and screw you, I’ll cook you clean you...you know what I mean.
A1: I’m supposed to stay positive. I can’t talk to you anymore.
P1: Is that what he said?
A1: No.
P1: We were talking about how we wished we had more orifices that would feel pleasurable if you inserted things in them, but then they would get infected.
P1: I think most of the second-years know that you’re evil. You’re like an evil bunny. Cute, but deadly.
C: ...Thanks?
____
OH: That sounds reasonable. Sad, and dark, but reasonable.
TNV: As are most things about C.
O: I want to walk and talk so I can get to my hockey game on time. I am clapping my hands to reinforce the point....there was probably a saner way to say that but it did not occur to me at the time.
C: I think you should get totally shitfaced and we could take pictures.
O: I love you too, C.
CC: Would you hang out with me if I wore a bonnet? Like, down the street?
C: I dunno.
CC: That crosses the line?
C: It’s pretty lose. I dunno. Would you hang out with me if I wore a bonnet?
T: Would there be any difference?
O: I would have been Bavarian Girl #6
CC: Ovarian?
O: Shut up!
O: So tell me about your new boyfriend Ulrich.
CC: Size does matter.
O: What?
CC: He taught me size does matter. He keeps me happy in bed..
O: If you weren’t dating Ulrich, I totally would.
CC: You know, if he met you, he’s probably want us to have a threesome.
O: That sounds like Ulrich.
O: I’ve always wanted to see a boy with a retainer.
CC: He’s an underwear model. Isn’t that hot?
T: He’s a rabbi! That’s hot!
O: He’s unique...
T: He plays the baroque lute!
CC: I guess it’s kinda hard to tell if a guy’s a virgin, eh?
T: It’s kinda hard to prove a girl’s a virgin; you don’t usually look at their hymen in casual conversation.
O: When I worked at Hooter’s, I prayed and prayed for God to make me a lesbian.
CC: Why?
O: The girls there were hot.
T: ... when you sneaked into the museum and did illicit things with the dinosaurs...
C: What is with you and dinosaurs, T?
T: They’re big!
C: I understand that size matters, but that much?
O: What are you doing?
CC: I’m fertilizing you with my sperm!
CC: Why is my name on your condom? That isn’t right.
CC: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to jerk off your finger. Please forgive me.
O: Tell it to the condom.
_____
P1: I was like, did you meet a guy? No, your sister has a new kitten.
C: He’s two and a half pounds!!!!
P1: You look like you’d be happy if someone, anywhere, got a new kitten.
J1: That was actually the first thing I thought about when they photocopied their faces: all that fucking toner!
P1: You’re going to be a great public librarian.
P1: That’s why she’s so happy today. I thought she met a boy.
Q: Kittens are better. They last longer.
S1: I never had an allergic reaction to a boyfriend. Well....although he had three cats so maybe that’s why.
P1: I can think of someone, as soon as I saw her face, I didn’t like her....it’s not any of you, god!
W: KITTEN!
C: *grins madly* The sad thing is, it works...
A1: Scientology must be a fascinating field.
A1: Do you want me to work on it?
P1: No, I mean having the penis on the outside. It should be retractable.
A1: Oh....that was awkward.
A1: But lotion has alcohol in it, doesn’t it? It would chafe.
Q: How do you know so much?
A1: Well, obviously I moisturize.
S1: Anyone who wants to be a librarian is going to be odd. Like, look around.
Q: I know; last year I felt like it was the Island of Misfit Toys.
P1: I just wanted to work in New Brunswick at a job that wasn’t inherently evil.
S1: I just gave up on life...
S8: Is Stargate the one with the guy with the evil genie eyebrows?
P1: If I can make a person not feel special, it makes my day. If that person is C, it makes my week!
Q: What’s disgusting?
A1: When a dog eats catshit.
Q: The love it!
A1: You know why? Because it’s full of protein.
C: Why do you eat it if it gives you a headache? You could get something without MSG.
V: Why do people have anal sex? Because they like it.
C: That’s an unusual analogy...
K4: ...ok, so, this guy was like “I’m getting married” and we’re like ‘oh, that’s nice” and then he said “We’re getting married. But were not..” and we were like “engaged?..” and he said “no..we’re getting married but we – how you say it in English? – Gangbang.”
K4: We met a bachelor party. And the bachelor was in love with W***.....and then he went up to her and was like “I want to taste your lips. I don’t want to make love to you; I want to taste your lips. I can feel myself inside you...”
J1: I’m not here. I’m here in spirit but my body’s not here. No. Wait. The other way around. I’m here in body but my spirit’s at home...
J1: It’s good that you’re confident in your sexuality.
P1: I am. I was telling A*** that there are three pictures from this weekend of me kissing guys..
P1: So she was like “I want to take a picture of you guys!” and I was thinking I was going to kiss him and he wouldn’t guess and he was like ‘I’m going to lick his face and he won’t suspect it’ and she took the picture at just the right moment when he was licking my lips.
J1: There’s always that moment when the class is zoning out and she calls some StatsCan website “sexy”...
P1: Little do they know...
P1: Apparently fresh bread is the most potent aphrodisiac....so be very suspicious of boys offering you fresh bread. ‘Would you like some bread? It’s fresh! Have a whiff..’ ; ‘Are you trying to seduce me?’
P1: There’s a hair on my shoe. It’s probably J**’s.
P1: He’s like a cross between Q and me except tall and with glasses and better-looking.
S8: So why exactly is he a cross between you guys?
P1: That was the joke. And ouch.
A1: I always picture humans turning into hamsters or gerbils or something; you have too many children: you eat someone. Although in our case you just let them die...
A1: She totally reminds me of that rabbit that’s in your backyard sniffing at your lettuce and your dog goes to sniff its butt and it bites your dog’s head off. That to me is Sarah Palin. Those big eyes...the vampire rabbit!
A1: It’s fun here...it’s Stockholm Syndrome, that’s what it is!
Q: Well, I am Swedish.
A1: I love P...K’s so friendly...
A1: There’s nothing better than vodka with, like, ten olives. It’s practically a condiment!
P1: Have you ever found a really long white hair somewhere on your body?
S8 How long exactly?
P1: I never thought of that. To think of how depressing this school is – how much more depressing it would be as a single girl. Not to rub it in your faces...
(on dating someone also in library school)
P1: Plus, you could have ‘If you do the project, I’ll give you sexual favours’
S8: I’d do that.
P1: I’ll cook, clean and screw you, I’ll cook you clean you...you know what I mean.
A1: I’m supposed to stay positive. I can’t talk to you anymore.
P1: Is that what he said?
A1: No.
P1: We were talking about how we wished we had more orifices that would feel pleasurable if you inserted things in them, but then they would get infected.
P1: I think most of the second-years know that you’re evil. You’re like an evil bunny. Cute, but deadly.
C: ...Thanks?
____
OH: That sounds reasonable. Sad, and dark, but reasonable.
TNV: As are most things about C.
O: I want to walk and talk so I can get to my hockey game on time. I am clapping my hands to reinforce the point....there was probably a saner way to say that but it did not occur to me at the time.
C: I think you should get totally shitfaced and we could take pictures.
O: I love you too, C.
CC: Would you hang out with me if I wore a bonnet? Like, down the street?
C: I dunno.
CC: That crosses the line?
C: It’s pretty lose. I dunno. Would you hang out with me if I wore a bonnet?
T: Would there be any difference?
O: I would have been Bavarian Girl #6
CC: Ovarian?
O: Shut up!
O: So tell me about your new boyfriend Ulrich.
CC: Size does matter.
O: What?
CC: He taught me size does matter. He keeps me happy in bed..
O: If you weren’t dating Ulrich, I totally would.
CC: You know, if he met you, he’s probably want us to have a threesome.
O: That sounds like Ulrich.
O: I’ve always wanted to see a boy with a retainer.
CC: He’s an underwear model. Isn’t that hot?
T: He’s a rabbi! That’s hot!
O: He’s unique...
T: He plays the baroque lute!
CC: I guess it’s kinda hard to tell if a guy’s a virgin, eh?
T: It’s kinda hard to prove a girl’s a virgin; you don’t usually look at their hymen in casual conversation.
O: When I worked at Hooter’s, I prayed and prayed for God to make me a lesbian.
CC: Why?
O: The girls there were hot.
T: ... when you sneaked into the museum and did illicit things with the dinosaurs...
C: What is with you and dinosaurs, T?
T: They’re big!
C: I understand that size matters, but that much?
O: What are you doing?
CC: I’m fertilizing you with my sperm!
CC: Why is my name on your condom? That isn’t right.
CC: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to jerk off your finger. Please forgive me.
O: Tell it to the condom.
_____
P1: I was like, did you meet a guy? No, your sister has a new kitten.
C: He’s two and a half pounds!!!!
P1: You look like you’d be happy if someone, anywhere, got a new kitten.
J1: That was actually the first thing I thought about when they photocopied their faces: all that fucking toner!
P1: You’re going to be a great public librarian.
P1: That’s why she’s so happy today. I thought she met a boy.
Q: Kittens are better. They last longer.
S1: I never had an allergic reaction to a boyfriend. Well....although he had three cats so maybe that’s why.
P1: I can think of someone, as soon as I saw her face, I didn’t like her....it’s not any of you, god!
W: KITTEN!
C: *grins madly* The sad thing is, it works...
A1: Scientology must be a fascinating field.
A1: Do you want me to work on it?
P1: No, I mean having the penis on the outside. It should be retractable.
A1: Oh....that was awkward.
A1: But lotion has alcohol in it, doesn’t it? It would chafe.
Q: How do you know so much?
A1: Well, obviously I moisturize.
S1: Anyone who wants to be a librarian is going to be odd. Like, look around.
Q: I know; last year I felt like it was the Island of Misfit Toys.
P1: I just wanted to work in New Brunswick at a job that wasn’t inherently evil.
S1: I just gave up on life...
S8: Is Stargate the one with the guy with the evil genie eyebrows?
P1: If I can make a person not feel special, it makes my day. If that person is C, it makes my week!
Q: What’s disgusting?
A1: When a dog eats catshit.
Q: The love it!
A1: You know why? Because it’s full of protein.
C: Why do you eat it if it gives you a headache? You could get something without MSG.
V: Why do people have anal sex? Because they like it.
C: That’s an unusual analogy...
October 5, 2008: And if you pay them, they put them right in your face
P1: With your brain, probably the things that happen in your dreams have a real effect on your brain.
J3: So is this going to last, do you think?
P1: From the messages she leaves on his Facebook wall, yeah. She’s like retarded for him.
V: Does anyone else want to talk about their embarrassing stories? No? Just me?
J3: You’re holding your own.
J1: What’s he doing at 10pm on a Wednesday night carrying a bag of apples? Is it a way to pick up girls? Because that’s really lame.
J1: And he was like ‘You have Kinder; I have pot! We trade, ja?’
V: Kinder?
J1: Like, Kinder eggs.
V: Oh. That doesn’t seem like a fair trade.
J3: How many Kinder eggs?
J1: I dunno...
P1: I don’t remember when I met you before I knew you were gay.
Q: It’s like a love song...
Q: Canadians are very confusing. I’m talking to a guy for like an hour and I think he’s hitting on me – and then he’s like ‘I gotta go call my girlfriend.’
P1: Maybe they were. I hit on you all the time. And S***.
Q: S***’s already got a boyfriend
...
S2: You’ve got competition, P****.
P1: I don’t think it’s ‘competition’ when I’m sleeping with both of you.
Q: It’s like Cabaret!
P1: But that lemming thing isn’t true; Disney threw them off the side of a cliff in Alberta.
P1: Rabbit is an idiot! Like, relax buddy, it’s just carrots!!
Q: Tigger could be annoying too.
Q: It’s like Brer Rabbit meets Adolf Hitler.
C: Yeah, it’s like 1984 for bunnies.
Q: Did you see the one where this cat tried to control the universe? He had this psychic rat and controls... - the thing I didn’t get was: cats already do that!
P1: I forget what the other reference to bricking in someone’s face was, but there were two. Shit a brick.
Q: Oh god.
P1: I think it was about his wife...
P1: It’s so weird looking at you when you’re upside down. I don’t know where to look, so I’m looking you in the teeth.
Q: Oh, she’s getting the notebook out.
P1: At least she’s coherent enough for that....’Cause, like, your teeth are where your eyes should be.
C: You’re a very weird person, P***.
P1: I am a very weird person. But, coming from you, that’s something.
Q: Yeah, if C says it...
J7: Do you think we need to improve things so that people feel that same assurance with electronic documents?
K1: I think that will come as a certain generation dies out...
P1: She was like lying there and twitching and having seizures while Q** and I were trying to talk. She kept interrupting us with our concern for her well-being.
K1: What are you eating?
C: Jello. It’s not solid food, so my stomach might not notice it’s there.
Q: What is that, squid ink?
C: Grape jello....
P1: What’s a turn-off?
Q: Smoking.
P1: Oh. I though you said ‘when they sing.’ If they’re bad, maybe...
K1: *siiiiiigggghhh*
P1: That’s like the call of the library school student.
Q: I did that today.
P1: ...these long drawn out sighs...
K1: I hate it here.
P1: If this school was a person, I’d kill it. Even if it was a baby. I’d drown it in bathwater.
K1: Or if it were a kitten.
Q: Or if it were a French woman with bleach-blonde hair...
P1: You shouldn’t have put it on Facebook.
K1: I wasn’t the one who put it there.
Q: Oh, so he’s bragging about you.
K1: I don’t care about these things.
P1: Your boyfriend?!
K! No!
Q: Doesn’t she look like the Joker?
S7: Yeah, she kinda does.
C: I’m just...
Q: Out of it?
C: Yeah....and I’m not even that heavily medicated now. Later...that’s my plan.
Q: You worry me.
S1: And there were more penises than I’ve ever seen in my life – except in movies – but they’re, like, in the same room...
W: And if you pay them they put them right in your face.
K4: Nine dollars.
S1: Right in your face! ...It’s kind of like paying someone to be the dirty flasher on the subway, but it’s a hot flasher.
W: How do you know??
S1: I went on their website.
W: Our bouncer was a stripper?!
S1: There’s an alumni night...
W: There was an amateur night. Our waiter jumped right on stage...
S1: I really think that if they could, guys would walk around all the time without pants.
C: Except in winter...
C&W: Shrinkage.
S1: You have fictional husbands; I know you do. Except they’re in books.
W: Mr. Darcy.
S1: I dunno. I don’t think he would be very good in bed. He’s great at the sexual tension, but...
S1: They’re not sideburns, they’re chops. It’s like sideburns that had babies all over their face.
S1: That’s the thing – it’s so expensive! I could stay home and get wasted for like a quarter of the price!
S1: At least in my house no one licks my face unless I want them to.
W: Sooo true.
K4: You have no sense of adventure!
W: Meningitis is not an adventure.
K4: It’s fun! People don’t always want to lick your face.
S1: Yes they do, C, yes they do. That’s all they do. Those are the only people who go there.
W: Dirty face-lickers.
S1: It’s full of guys who all they want to do is lick your face and hump your leg.
K4: Sometimes on a Saturday night all you want is to have your face licked and your leg humped.
S1: I could get a dog!
S1: Those guys don’t take no for an answer. They don’t take an elbow in the ribs for an answer either...
S1: But it’s like, so high; what if you fall off?
W: It has walls, S***.
K4: Ok, everyone who thinks S*** should dress like a hoochie, put up your hand. Ok. This is a democracy, S***....
S1: I didn’t know what it was either until K*** told me last year.
K4: Because you asked me to be your ‘fluff friend’ on Facebook. I am not doing that...
S1: ...You ruined it for me! I deleted ‘fluff friends’ because of you!
S1: Yeah, it’s called “The Fluffer” or “Fluffing” and it’s about this guy who fluffs this other guy, and I think he falls in love with the guy he fluffs.
W: His ‘fluffee’?
D1: This is the first time you’ve seen me watch a Christian Bale movie, isn’t it?
S1: Just remember he’s not really here.
J3: So is this going to last, do you think?
P1: From the messages she leaves on his Facebook wall, yeah. She’s like retarded for him.
V: Does anyone else want to talk about their embarrassing stories? No? Just me?
J3: You’re holding your own.
J1: What’s he doing at 10pm on a Wednesday night carrying a bag of apples? Is it a way to pick up girls? Because that’s really lame.
J1: And he was like ‘You have Kinder; I have pot! We trade, ja?’
V: Kinder?
J1: Like, Kinder eggs.
V: Oh. That doesn’t seem like a fair trade.
J3: How many Kinder eggs?
J1: I dunno...
P1: I don’t remember when I met you before I knew you were gay.
Q: It’s like a love song...
Q: Canadians are very confusing. I’m talking to a guy for like an hour and I think he’s hitting on me – and then he’s like ‘I gotta go call my girlfriend.’
P1: Maybe they were. I hit on you all the time. And S***.
Q: S***’s already got a boyfriend
...
S2: You’ve got competition, P****.
P1: I don’t think it’s ‘competition’ when I’m sleeping with both of you.
Q: It’s like Cabaret!
P1: But that lemming thing isn’t true; Disney threw them off the side of a cliff in Alberta.
P1: Rabbit is an idiot! Like, relax buddy, it’s just carrots!!
Q: Tigger could be annoying too.
Q: It’s like Brer Rabbit meets Adolf Hitler.
C: Yeah, it’s like 1984 for bunnies.
Q: Did you see the one where this cat tried to control the universe? He had this psychic rat and controls... - the thing I didn’t get was: cats already do that!
P1: I forget what the other reference to bricking in someone’s face was, but there were two. Shit a brick.
Q: Oh god.
P1: I think it was about his wife...
P1: It’s so weird looking at you when you’re upside down. I don’t know where to look, so I’m looking you in the teeth.
Q: Oh, she’s getting the notebook out.
P1: At least she’s coherent enough for that....’Cause, like, your teeth are where your eyes should be.
C: You’re a very weird person, P***.
P1: I am a very weird person. But, coming from you, that’s something.
Q: Yeah, if C says it...
J7: Do you think we need to improve things so that people feel that same assurance with electronic documents?
K1: I think that will come as a certain generation dies out...
P1: She was like lying there and twitching and having seizures while Q** and I were trying to talk. She kept interrupting us with our concern for her well-being.
K1: What are you eating?
C: Jello. It’s not solid food, so my stomach might not notice it’s there.
Q: What is that, squid ink?
C: Grape jello....
P1: What’s a turn-off?
Q: Smoking.
P1: Oh. I though you said ‘when they sing.’ If they’re bad, maybe...
K1: *siiiiiigggghhh*
P1: That’s like the call of the library school student.
Q: I did that today.
P1: ...these long drawn out sighs...
K1: I hate it here.
P1: If this school was a person, I’d kill it. Even if it was a baby. I’d drown it in bathwater.
K1: Or if it were a kitten.
Q: Or if it were a French woman with bleach-blonde hair...
P1: You shouldn’t have put it on Facebook.
K1: I wasn’t the one who put it there.
Q: Oh, so he’s bragging about you.
K1: I don’t care about these things.
P1: Your boyfriend?!
K! No!
Q: Doesn’t she look like the Joker?
S7: Yeah, she kinda does.
C: I’m just...
Q: Out of it?
C: Yeah....and I’m not even that heavily medicated now. Later...that’s my plan.
Q: You worry me.
S1: And there were more penises than I’ve ever seen in my life – except in movies – but they’re, like, in the same room...
W: And if you pay them they put them right in your face.
K4: Nine dollars.
S1: Right in your face! ...It’s kind of like paying someone to be the dirty flasher on the subway, but it’s a hot flasher.
W: How do you know??
S1: I went on their website.
W: Our bouncer was a stripper?!
S1: There’s an alumni night...
W: There was an amateur night. Our waiter jumped right on stage...
S1: I really think that if they could, guys would walk around all the time without pants.
C: Except in winter...
C&W: Shrinkage.
S1: You have fictional husbands; I know you do. Except they’re in books.
W: Mr. Darcy.
S1: I dunno. I don’t think he would be very good in bed. He’s great at the sexual tension, but...
S1: They’re not sideburns, they’re chops. It’s like sideburns that had babies all over their face.
S1: That’s the thing – it’s so expensive! I could stay home and get wasted for like a quarter of the price!
S1: At least in my house no one licks my face unless I want them to.
W: Sooo true.
K4: You have no sense of adventure!
W: Meningitis is not an adventure.
K4: It’s fun! People don’t always want to lick your face.
S1: Yes they do, C, yes they do. That’s all they do. Those are the only people who go there.
W: Dirty face-lickers.
S1: It’s full of guys who all they want to do is lick your face and hump your leg.
K4: Sometimes on a Saturday night all you want is to have your face licked and your leg humped.
S1: I could get a dog!
S1: Those guys don’t take no for an answer. They don’t take an elbow in the ribs for an answer either...
S1: But it’s like, so high; what if you fall off?
W: It has walls, S***.
K4: Ok, everyone who thinks S*** should dress like a hoochie, put up your hand. Ok. This is a democracy, S***....
S1: I didn’t know what it was either until K*** told me last year.
K4: Because you asked me to be your ‘fluff friend’ on Facebook. I am not doing that...
S1: ...You ruined it for me! I deleted ‘fluff friends’ because of you!
S1: Yeah, it’s called “The Fluffer” or “Fluffing” and it’s about this guy who fluffs this other guy, and I think he falls in love with the guy he fluffs.
W: His ‘fluffee’?
D1: This is the first time you’ve seen me watch a Christian Bale movie, isn’t it?
S1: Just remember he’s not really here.
September 29, 2008: There's nothing wrong with good grooming
AB: I’m used to being around all these passive women and now she’s[S] keeping him[D] in line, and she’s[CW] threatening to stab people with forks.
MW: I’ve got an idea. Instead of shaving my legs, I’ll just pour oil all over them and burn off all my hair.
V: You want to burn off your leg hair?
MW: Because I’m just so hardcore.
AB: And on the first date, which he later decided wasn’t a date, apparently, he told her that if her pants weren’t off by the fifth date, that meant she wasn’t interested.
TNV: Five dates what?
C: Pants off, apparently.
T: Oh. I thought it was three.
MW: For me, a guy has to rip all his clothes off, or it’s not good enough.
V: And burn them!
MW: If some of the clothes aren’t ripped, that’s just not good enough.
A: It’s ok being turned down by lesbians. I kind of expect it.
A: That’s not fair, you can’t take all the women.
V: I just did.
A: So we found out that S’s actually interested in women, so he’s[D] a cover, which means he’s probably interested in men and he’s trying to find out if I’m interested in men and we’re both trying to sell each other off on him...no, not M, him.[J].
..
D: I guess you won. Congrats, buddy.
A: Damn! I didn’t want to win that one. I feel so dirty.
U: I was just admiring your lashes. God, they’re so long! I just want to cut them off and put them on mine.
A: Well, MW told me to shave off half and put extensions on the other eye, so do you want half?
A: And don’t worry, we don’t have the five date rule.
CC: ...Good.
A: Good. We know what we’re getting into....That wasn’t a pun! It wasn’t! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
A: You’re not Bubby. You’re an attractive women who looks nothing like a guy.
CC: ..Thanks.
A: That wasn’t a good line, was it? Your eyes are like pools...
CC: *laughs* Can you say it in French?
A: Tu es...
JF: You know what they say about people with big hands.
A: They’re compensating.
J: They need big gloves...I like big gloves better.
A: I’m sorry. I was defending myself.
J: It’s ok. You’ll find out later.
A: [to CC] Please sit down. (i.e. between him&J)
A: I was hitting on you when I was sober; you don’t need to give me alcohol!
V: You get hit on by guys more than I do.
A: Not that many...it’s just because I’m friends with Osman! That’s why I’m still single! It’s because I hang out with Osman!
V: My dress is messed up; now I’m pregnant.
A: You could carry me home.
CC: I could piggyback you. If you held on tight and wrap your legs around...
A: I guess I have a goofy face.
D: I wasn’t going to say it, but...
A: Oh, so that’s why you like me! It’s my goofy face!
D: Apparently J does too.
J: Actually, I like your effeminate eyelashes.
T: Do you need a reason to do what?
A: To look at her funny.
T: I thought you look at everyone funny.
A: Did you want my cherry?
CC: Did you spit on it or something?
..
D: No, he said “Did you want my cherry?” and she said “Did you spit on it or something?”
T: I don’t know how you wouldn’t take that the dirty way.
D: I don’t know.
T: He’s got one to give away?
A: Were those yours? Those were very dainty toes.
J: There’s nothing wrong with good grooming.
A: No! That was the inside of my right leg! What are you, triple jointed or something? He has a third knee!!
J: Why did his pole suddenly become erect?
CC: He looks so shocked!
MW: That was not a good way to take it.
A: The monkey didn’t have boobs. What were you looking at?
J: It’s a matter of perspective.
MW: I’ve got an idea. Instead of shaving my legs, I’ll just pour oil all over them and burn off all my hair.
V: You want to burn off your leg hair?
MW: Because I’m just so hardcore.
AB: And on the first date, which he later decided wasn’t a date, apparently, he told her that if her pants weren’t off by the fifth date, that meant she wasn’t interested.
TNV: Five dates what?
C: Pants off, apparently.
T: Oh. I thought it was three.
MW: For me, a guy has to rip all his clothes off, or it’s not good enough.
V: And burn them!
MW: If some of the clothes aren’t ripped, that’s just not good enough.
A: It’s ok being turned down by lesbians. I kind of expect it.
A: That’s not fair, you can’t take all the women.
V: I just did.
A: So we found out that S’s actually interested in women, so he’s[D] a cover, which means he’s probably interested in men and he’s trying to find out if I’m interested in men and we’re both trying to sell each other off on him...no, not M, him.[J].
..
D: I guess you won. Congrats, buddy.
A: Damn! I didn’t want to win that one. I feel so dirty.
U: I was just admiring your lashes. God, they’re so long! I just want to cut them off and put them on mine.
A: Well, MW told me to shave off half and put extensions on the other eye, so do you want half?
A: And don’t worry, we don’t have the five date rule.
CC: ...Good.
A: Good. We know what we’re getting into....That wasn’t a pun! It wasn’t! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
A: You’re not Bubby. You’re an attractive women who looks nothing like a guy.
CC: ..Thanks.
A: That wasn’t a good line, was it? Your eyes are like pools...
CC: *laughs* Can you say it in French?
A: Tu es...
JF: You know what they say about people with big hands.
A: They’re compensating.
J: They need big gloves...I like big gloves better.
A: I’m sorry. I was defending myself.
J: It’s ok. You’ll find out later.
A: [to CC] Please sit down. (i.e. between him&J)
A: I was hitting on you when I was sober; you don’t need to give me alcohol!
V: You get hit on by guys more than I do.
A: Not that many...it’s just because I’m friends with Osman! That’s why I’m still single! It’s because I hang out with Osman!
V: My dress is messed up; now I’m pregnant.
A: You could carry me home.
CC: I could piggyback you. If you held on tight and wrap your legs around...
A: I guess I have a goofy face.
D: I wasn’t going to say it, but...
A: Oh, so that’s why you like me! It’s my goofy face!
D: Apparently J does too.
J: Actually, I like your effeminate eyelashes.
T: Do you need a reason to do what?
A: To look at her funny.
T: I thought you look at everyone funny.
A: Did you want my cherry?
CC: Did you spit on it or something?
..
D: No, he said “Did you want my cherry?” and she said “Did you spit on it or something?”
T: I don’t know how you wouldn’t take that the dirty way.
D: I don’t know.
T: He’s got one to give away?
A: Were those yours? Those were very dainty toes.
J: There’s nothing wrong with good grooming.
A: No! That was the inside of my right leg! What are you, triple jointed or something? He has a third knee!!
J: Why did his pole suddenly become erect?
CC: He looks so shocked!
MW: That was not a good way to take it.
A: The monkey didn’t have boobs. What were you looking at?
J: It’s a matter of perspective.
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