D:...and the point of Scientology, according to her, is to move towards the energy state.
S: Isn't that suicide?...moving your soul to another state.
D: No, the point is that it can be both states.
S: Anyone else getting Stargate? Anyone?
T: I have two coworkers with the last name Brown and they changed positions...
C: That sounds dirty.
D: Wow. you don't even have to stretch to find that.
D: Although this way I'm not letting you get an asparagus.
C: *waves* Two, remember?
D: Two hands! Dammit! Foiled again!
H: Franklin died for, like, all the reasons the British are stupid.
H: No, you missed a story about cannibalism and as you came in you said 'dammit, someone beat me to it!
D: They just seem creepy.
C: Beards, or rapists?
D: Both?
C: You have a beard.
J: Excuse me while I go shave now.
D: That's if you could grow a beard..
J: Screw you! The pillow thing is going to happen. One of these days.
D: You were the one who said you had the beard growing capacity of Guybrush Threepwood.
J: When?
D: You've said it lots of times.
J: When did I last say it?
D: A couple of months ago.
J: I might have gotten beard-growing capacity since then! And now you'll never know!
C: And your life will be empty because of it.
J: Exactly! You'll lie awake wondering...is J** able to grow a beard now? And why is he standing beside my bed with a pillow?
D: And why is C** standing behind him..
J: With a knife!
U: I just want something I don't have to take care of. Can't I leave the room for five minutes? I have to keep stirring...
CC: Are you talking about men or food?
C: I can't be a serial killer if I have only one victim who doesn't die.
H: Coma. No, I keep coming back to life and you keep trying to kill me. My consciousness gets transformed.
C: I keep killing you in different bodies...
U: You killed the wrong twin!
A: She's a triplet!
U: He's hot though.
MW: Ralph Fiennes? ..not with the nose though. You don't think he's hot with the nose.
U: It's the person inside.
MW: You're so deep.
D: I killed the pope today.
J: You didn't kill him; you beat the shit out of him.
D: No I killed him...no, wait, that's right.
J: You beat him up and kicked him in the balls.
D: I shot that motherfucker.
J: What's the difference between tinfoil and aluminum foil other than one's tin and the other's aluminum?
C: Haven't you have birthdays before?
A: But I'm not used to all those candles and stuff. I was out of my depth.
D: There was this woman who married the Eiffel Tower and she sued the French government...
S: Because people kept climbing all over her spouse.
A: Climbing up and down it...
S: In and out...it's housed half the population of France.
D:...nooo...actually, she sued the French government because it wouldn't let her, um..
S: Consummate the marriage?
D: Yes!
C: Yeah, I don't really tend to notice what colour people's eyes are either...
D: Or when a guy's been hitting on you for six months...
C: Oh burn...
D: Somehow it's always the incest around you.
A: Yeah, it always seems to come up. Heh. Come up.
MW: You heard of fruitarians? They, like, won't eat a fruit unless it fell from the tree; if you pick it, it's murder.
A: I want to go murder some fruit now.
D: Newton was a fruitarian.
D: I am about as feisty as pondweed..about as much bacteria...
S: You know, the male teste is about the size of a walnut. I saw one cut in half once.
C (on tying ties): I know how to tie a noose. It's the same thing, right?
A: Even C***. She's a girl now. Isn't that weird?
A: What's that new video game that's really big...and you go on missions and kill people...and it's historical...
J: Do you think animals have feelings?
S: I don't know; let's see. *jabs towards J with fork*
A: I want my kitty back. I wouldn't mind if she was a zombie...I want a zombie kitty. If she came back as a zombie I would love her just as much. And I would feed her brains...
J: If there aren't enough kittens in the future, you can blame porn.
A: But why would the kittens be decimated by porn? What do they do to the kittens?
J: It's not what they do to the kittens. It's what god does to the kittens afterwards.
AT: She's saying the most important thing in a boyfriend is not liking heels. I want my boyfriend to have a penis.
AT: I don't think I need to hug then to go 'whoa, those are boobs.'
AG: So you have sex penis and pee penis.
AG: How do you forget which one you pee out of?
MB: It's always you with the Captain Morgan. Always you and you know what it gets me?
T: It got you an awesome nap under a cool table. I don't know what else you want.
MB: Couldn't pay for my cigarettes without the shoe polish. And guarantee the safety of my anus.
MB: You should get your penis checked. They're usually purple...maybe I should get mine checked. No one's coming to my cause on this one.
MB: I'm going to hold it close to my heart. In case someone assassinates me.
A: I'm glad you hate it.
T: Well, people shouldn't be marrying zombies.
MB: Honestly, at this point, we were like 'if he's going to die, let's at least make it funny.'
D: True friends.
MB: I swear, every morning you had a beer in your hand. I think you had it for breakfast.
T: No, that morning I had coffee and kahlua first.
A: You didn't hear what I said? 'yeah I fucked your grandpa' 'he's dead' 'I fucked him good.'
JP: No wonder he was so cold.
C: That explains a lot.
JP: But he was so gooey inside...
C: We agreed he's the woman in the relationship.
D: Well, someone's got to do it.
A1. We discussed this. My venom is much more constructive.
A1: Have you ever been attacked by soup? I think it's even more violent than polenta.
A1: And now he's all like "I can help you out with that bearnaise sauce" and I'm like B***, you whisk?
A1: Like, all of a sudden you're in a relationship and you're supposed to read minds?
C: Fuck that shit.
A1: Fuck that shit. I give orders.
D: You two have a lot in common.
A1: This conversation needs more imperative verbs and you doing them.
J: We have organic spray cheese at Loblaws.
J: There is a limit to my disgusting behaviour. (awkward pause) I swear there is.
J: I can see all, D***; I am omnipotent! Ooh, we have a garbage can!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I was the first lolcat.
T: And there are the hospital visitation rights and, well, to get around them they were saying they should become a corporation.
A: Become a corporation? I would support polygamy if they made it a corporation.
S: I would make so many Simpsons references if I worked in a power plant.
T: Althought apparently when we had a campaign to see what would improve the power plant, about 500 people suggested a monorail.
A: It was auto-erotic asphyxiation.
T: You'd think at his age he would be smoother.
S: You would think he would have a spotter or something.
A: Be like, phone up: "hey you: spot me!"
C: That's like the worst booty-call ever.
MW: So how are you and D? Sparks still flying?
A: Too much.
U: Oooh, I want to hear about that.
C: ...necrophiliac.
S: It only counts if they move.
S: (on Laura Secord); The Heritage minute really confused me because I was like "how does this relate to ice cream?"
A: (on Obama) And I realised I was only like a block away! I could have seen him! And I decided not to go!
MW: You could have flashed him.
A: I could have flashed him!!
A: I don't like hobbits.
U: Yeah, especially in the bathroom.
C: Jack the Ripper would have liked you.
A: That's really good for my self-esteem.
C: You can hug it to yourself: "Jack the Ripper would have found me desirable!"
D: I would so do that to Jesus.
A: Poke! Be like, do they go right through?
J: You're like a mix between Cthulhu and a vacuum cleaner.
A: Oh look at you! You're a sweety pie!
A: I am out of animal love practice.
J: So remember how I was telling you my cat would sleep on my face? Well, I put a pillow on my face to block out light and Molly ran up and sat on it.
A: This is why you need your lame farm of sheep and bunnies.
C: A girl has needs.
A: Animals and fictional characters.
A: Asymmetrical disfigured cutie!!!
G: You could have warned me.
T: I don't like warning people.
D: "By the way, you're pregnant!"
G: You could have told me, before I started drinking.
T: After.
An: Are you pregnant?
G: No...are you calling me fat?
G: Oh ugh, I touched D's boxers.
T: So did I.
C: That makes three of us,
D: Four with me. An, you must be feeling left out right now.
An: I feel just fine, actually.
T: Better than fine.
D: I don't understand how I cut my ear when shaving.
An: I can't understand why you shaved your ear.
M: Where did D go?
T: Washroom probably.
M: Seems like the kind of thing he'd do.
T: Chronic masturbator.
M: Irritable bowel.
JC: Seriously. What makes you think I am suave enough to get herpes in Vegas?
JF: Have you ever looked at an ankle for a really long time? It's surprisingly erotic.
TV: I don't think staring at an ankle will change my orientation.
C: So stare at a guy's anke.
D: Once you go ankle, you never go back.
TV: But they don't sell tickets to watch people be killed by burning though.
C: I'd go.
TV: Then it's part of our heritage to go to witch-burnings too.
C: I'd go.
S: You'd be the witch.
A: I was going to say...
J: Darkling Duck the pedophile?
D&A: Uhmmm..
JF:I love how the answer wasn't exactly no.
JF: Wouldn't you insure your ass for several million dollars if you could?
D: No.
C: What would you insure, if you could?
D: Probably my penis; not gonna lie.
A: I feel like in another life, I was a lolcat. I was the first lolcat.
T: You are familiar with God, A?
A: We had a threesome. You know how it is. He was getting too pushy; he wanted a son and I was like 'no!'
T: Did he watch you everywhere?
A: Creepy!
S: Technically you're a piece of God.
C: So basically it was like masturbation with you.
A: I feel so used!
S: Then she left you for some girl named Mary,
A: Bitch!
S: Who wasn't even a virgin.
A: Oh you know it!
A: Become a corporation? I would support polygamy if they made it a corporation.
S: I would make so many Simpsons references if I worked in a power plant.
T: Althought apparently when we had a campaign to see what would improve the power plant, about 500 people suggested a monorail.
A: It was auto-erotic asphyxiation.
T: You'd think at his age he would be smoother.
S: You would think he would have a spotter or something.
A: Be like, phone up: "hey you: spot me!"
C: That's like the worst booty-call ever.
MW: So how are you and D? Sparks still flying?
A: Too much.
U: Oooh, I want to hear about that.
C: ...necrophiliac.
S: It only counts if they move.
S: (on Laura Secord); The Heritage minute really confused me because I was like "how does this relate to ice cream?"
A: (on Obama) And I realised I was only like a block away! I could have seen him! And I decided not to go!
MW: You could have flashed him.
A: I could have flashed him!!
A: I don't like hobbits.
U: Yeah, especially in the bathroom.
C: Jack the Ripper would have liked you.
A: That's really good for my self-esteem.
C: You can hug it to yourself: "Jack the Ripper would have found me desirable!"
D: I would so do that to Jesus.
A: Poke! Be like, do they go right through?
J: You're like a mix between Cthulhu and a vacuum cleaner.
A: Oh look at you! You're a sweety pie!
A: I am out of animal love practice.
J: So remember how I was telling you my cat would sleep on my face? Well, I put a pillow on my face to block out light and Molly ran up and sat on it.
A: This is why you need your lame farm of sheep and bunnies.
C: A girl has needs.
A: Animals and fictional characters.
A: Asymmetrical disfigured cutie!!!
G: You could have warned me.
T: I don't like warning people.
D: "By the way, you're pregnant!"
G: You could have told me, before I started drinking.
T: After.
An: Are you pregnant?
G: No...are you calling me fat?
G: Oh ugh, I touched D's boxers.
T: So did I.
C: That makes three of us,
D: Four with me. An, you must be feeling left out right now.
An: I feel just fine, actually.
T: Better than fine.
D: I don't understand how I cut my ear when shaving.
An: I can't understand why you shaved your ear.
M: Where did D go?
T: Washroom probably.
M: Seems like the kind of thing he'd do.
T: Chronic masturbator.
M: Irritable bowel.
JC: Seriously. What makes you think I am suave enough to get herpes in Vegas?
JF: Have you ever looked at an ankle for a really long time? It's surprisingly erotic.
TV: I don't think staring at an ankle will change my orientation.
C: So stare at a guy's anke.
D: Once you go ankle, you never go back.
TV: But they don't sell tickets to watch people be killed by burning though.
C: I'd go.
TV: Then it's part of our heritage to go to witch-burnings too.
C: I'd go.
S: You'd be the witch.
A: I was going to say...
J: Darkling Duck the pedophile?
D&A: Uhmmm..
JF:I love how the answer wasn't exactly no.
JF: Wouldn't you insure your ass for several million dollars if you could?
D: No.
C: What would you insure, if you could?
D: Probably my penis; not gonna lie.
A: I feel like in another life, I was a lolcat. I was the first lolcat.
T: You are familiar with God, A?
A: We had a threesome. You know how it is. He was getting too pushy; he wanted a son and I was like 'no!'
T: Did he watch you everywhere?
A: Creepy!
S: Technically you're a piece of God.
C: So basically it was like masturbation with you.
A: I feel so used!
S: Then she left you for some girl named Mary,
A: Bitch!
S: Who wasn't even a virgin.
A: Oh you know it!
Friday, September 24, 2010
Fairies are like metadata. They're above it all.
A1: There was a period where you could tell I was picking out my own clothes. Because I wore the same thing everyday. I wore the pink tiger leotard and a pink leopard skirt.
C: Can you imagine a Christmas tree in a sex toy shop?
A1: I think I've seen one. Prophylactics come in all different colours...you could have a little lineup of the possum, the lamb...vibrators of different frequencies playing "We Three Kings of Orient are.."
A1: Is it about the possum vibrators? Of course it is. You'd need to do them in like a diorama.
C: Like Jesus and Mary in the stable!
A1: We could put it over there....
D: I just had a horrible thought...
A1: Is it really that horrible? Because I just had vibrators singing about Jesus.
D: It's bad...this could be called Diaphragma.
D: Are you guys going to do the ritual? You reading Stephanie Myers in Chapters at Starbucks and C**..
A1: Oh, you missed my whole S&M fantasy phase!!
A: I don't know why guys don't do makeup. It's like Crayola for your face.
D: I tried once. But it was because of hickies.
A: She's like a cat, isn't she? ...have you ever had a cat that you got too soon from its mum? And it keeps sucking on you...
A: And there was Mr. Stripey who was named after an heirloom tomato called Mr. Stripey. It's like stuff white people like - naming cats after heirlooom vegetables.
D: Now I'm just picturing a dental dam as the star. Or a double dildo.
A1: I feel like none of this is anything to do with skill though. Unless it's like good blow jobs that make people marry you. It's like, this worked out. This is nice. Let's go kayaking.
A: I think everyone wants to sleep with everyone anyway, we're just lazy...it's like a zoo, it's just not a petting zoo.
on Eat, Pray, Love
C: You started it, didn't you?
A: I couldn't finish it. It made me throw up.
D: I liked the sequel better. Murder, Death, Kill.
A: Eat, Smoke, Fuck...
C: Fairies piss little dewdrops.
A!: Fairies don't piss. They exude.
D: What's that moisture around you? It's urine!
A1: Fairies don't need waste management. They are above waste.
D: Now I'm just picturing fairies working for Waste Management.
A1: Fairies are like metadata. They're above it all.
A1: I've spent ten years with a man and I know the importance of a good shitter. You spend ten years with a man, you'll know the intimate details of his shit cycle. You think it's all fun and romance until someone takes a dump.
A1: It's my boob dress. Oh well. I'm allowed to have boobs on weekends....they're going to think you went to Montreal and talked about boobs and cocks the whole time.
C: That's not entirely untrue...
C: I was almost tempted to go really right wing just to annoy my parents.
D: Yeah, me too.
C: But I couldn't have done it with a straight face.
A1: You could have done it with a straight face and be laughing on the inside. "Wealth trickles down. Like the blood of the Africans."
A1: The comfort with which you two hurt each other is underwhelming.
-
A: But after university it's like holy drama Batman.
C: I guess it doesn't really count as cheating if none of them ever says yes.
T: So how's life?
A: Life is...*dances*
T:...dancing the hula.
H: It's really terrible; that's what I think it means.
U: Lovely earrings. Inspired by Mad Men.
A: Batman??
JF: Were they wearing the kilts traditionally?
T: Oh, they're weaing them traditionally, with the sporran, with the...
C: I think that he's asking about underwear.
JF: Yes.
T: The problem was a lot of them were ** engineers and I wasn't inclined to investigate.
T: She was asking where she could find a prostitute.
A: I probably could have given her good directions.
A: Wait...they thought you were a prostitute?
JF: No. No. Tried that once. On Hallowe'en. It didn't work very well...this time we were standing and lifted up our skirts and tried to get cars to honk at us.
U; Everyone is entitled to secrets.
MP: Which they occasonally blurt out loud.
A: I kill goats!
JF: Do you know how grabby guys are in clubs?
A: With...you?
A: So you were at a gay club.
JF: There is a backstory behind this. My friend was DJing there.....I was ok with the buttgrab, because I understand guys do that to girls a lot but this guy went straight for the reacharound...
T: He wanted to check out the package before he paid the price.
JF: I can understand wanting to check the merchandise but after the reacharound it was not at prime value.
A: I don't know what's happening, but apparently I'm putting half the table in my top.
C: I was all like 'what? a turtle? I thought he was a painter!'
JF: Just because he's a turtle doesn't mean he can't paint.
A: Just because he has four fingers doesn't mean he can't choose artistry.
A: I can't really see the connection of death and a fork in your mouth.
C: ...just store it in your bra for later...
H: Is it vomit you are talking about?
C: Yes.
A: I don't think mine is big enough.
H: You should patent this.
A: A specially made bra. With vomit pockets.
JF: I think you've permanently ruined the image of breasts for me for the rest of my life.
CC: You'll be all ready for the gay club.
JF: My friend was telling me this story and apparetly his pickup line was that he was in a circle jerk.
JF: Think what the whole thing is filled with. Blood. What's going to happen when you crack it?
A??: Seriously, just go into gay clubs and ask. Do you have a sprained penis, & want me to help out?
J: Wouldn't that be a fun experiment, to go around to guys and ask to sprain their penis?
A: Some of them might like it.
CC: " As long as you touch it."
A: If there were a big explosion, I would assume it was a nuclear explosion. And I'd run out and be like WOW!
JF: In Ottawa where there are no nuclear plants.
A: We're all going to die!
T: Nuclear plants can't set off nuclear explosions.
A: I'd assume we were being bombed.
J: In Ottawa? Did they get lost?
T:..and this guy was t-boned by a deer...
A: I was thinking a t-bone steak hit a deer, but whatever, go on...
A: I think it's really funny, just to get on and don't think about it. And then you run into all these unexpected problems...
CC: Oh, I heard getting it on.
A: It is kind of sad.
JF: You just keep trying and trying and trying...
C: You could also say that about women...
MP: It really didn't help that you said fasten your thighs and you said screw it and just get on.
A: Yeah, you have a point.
A: I came to the realisation that my boobs were too big when they knocked something off a shelf.
C: Can you imagine a Christmas tree in a sex toy shop?
A1: I think I've seen one. Prophylactics come in all different colours...you could have a little lineup of the possum, the lamb...vibrators of different frequencies playing "We Three Kings of Orient are.."
A1: Is it about the possum vibrators? Of course it is. You'd need to do them in like a diorama.
C: Like Jesus and Mary in the stable!
A1: We could put it over there....
D: I just had a horrible thought...
A1: Is it really that horrible? Because I just had vibrators singing about Jesus.
D: It's bad...this could be called Diaphragma.
D: Are you guys going to do the ritual? You reading Stephanie Myers in Chapters at Starbucks and C**..
A1: Oh, you missed my whole S&M fantasy phase!!
A: I don't know why guys don't do makeup. It's like Crayola for your face.
D: I tried once. But it was because of hickies.
A: She's like a cat, isn't she? ...have you ever had a cat that you got too soon from its mum? And it keeps sucking on you...
A: And there was Mr. Stripey who was named after an heirloom tomato called Mr. Stripey. It's like stuff white people like - naming cats after heirlooom vegetables.
D: Now I'm just picturing a dental dam as the star. Or a double dildo.
A1: I feel like none of this is anything to do with skill though. Unless it's like good blow jobs that make people marry you. It's like, this worked out. This is nice. Let's go kayaking.
A: I think everyone wants to sleep with everyone anyway, we're just lazy...it's like a zoo, it's just not a petting zoo.
on Eat, Pray, Love
C: You started it, didn't you?
A: I couldn't finish it. It made me throw up.
D: I liked the sequel better. Murder, Death, Kill.
A: Eat, Smoke, Fuck...
C: Fairies piss little dewdrops.
A!: Fairies don't piss. They exude.
D: What's that moisture around you? It's urine!
A1: Fairies don't need waste management. They are above waste.
D: Now I'm just picturing fairies working for Waste Management.
A1: Fairies are like metadata. They're above it all.
A1: I've spent ten years with a man and I know the importance of a good shitter. You spend ten years with a man, you'll know the intimate details of his shit cycle. You think it's all fun and romance until someone takes a dump.
A1: It's my boob dress. Oh well. I'm allowed to have boobs on weekends....they're going to think you went to Montreal and talked about boobs and cocks the whole time.
C: That's not entirely untrue...
C: I was almost tempted to go really right wing just to annoy my parents.
D: Yeah, me too.
C: But I couldn't have done it with a straight face.
A1: You could have done it with a straight face and be laughing on the inside. "Wealth trickles down. Like the blood of the Africans."
A1: The comfort with which you two hurt each other is underwhelming.
-
A: But after university it's like holy drama Batman.
C: I guess it doesn't really count as cheating if none of them ever says yes.
T: So how's life?
A: Life is...*dances*
T:...dancing the hula.
H: It's really terrible; that's what I think it means.
U: Lovely earrings. Inspired by Mad Men.
A: Batman??
JF: Were they wearing the kilts traditionally?
T: Oh, they're weaing them traditionally, with the sporran, with the...
C: I think that he's asking about underwear.
JF: Yes.
T: The problem was a lot of them were ** engineers and I wasn't inclined to investigate.
T: She was asking where she could find a prostitute.
A: I probably could have given her good directions.
A: Wait...they thought you were a prostitute?
JF: No. No. Tried that once. On Hallowe'en. It didn't work very well...this time we were standing and lifted up our skirts and tried to get cars to honk at us.
U; Everyone is entitled to secrets.
MP: Which they occasonally blurt out loud.
A: I kill goats!
JF: Do you know how grabby guys are in clubs?
A: With...you?
A: So you were at a gay club.
JF: There is a backstory behind this. My friend was DJing there.....I was ok with the buttgrab, because I understand guys do that to girls a lot but this guy went straight for the reacharound...
T: He wanted to check out the package before he paid the price.
JF: I can understand wanting to check the merchandise but after the reacharound it was not at prime value.
A: I don't know what's happening, but apparently I'm putting half the table in my top.
C: I was all like 'what? a turtle? I thought he was a painter!'
JF: Just because he's a turtle doesn't mean he can't paint.
A: Just because he has four fingers doesn't mean he can't choose artistry.
A: I can't really see the connection of death and a fork in your mouth.
C: ...just store it in your bra for later...
H: Is it vomit you are talking about?
C: Yes.
A: I don't think mine is big enough.
H: You should patent this.
A: A specially made bra. With vomit pockets.
JF: I think you've permanently ruined the image of breasts for me for the rest of my life.
CC: You'll be all ready for the gay club.
JF: My friend was telling me this story and apparetly his pickup line was that he was in a circle jerk.
JF: Think what the whole thing is filled with. Blood. What's going to happen when you crack it?
A??: Seriously, just go into gay clubs and ask. Do you have a sprained penis, & want me to help out?
J: Wouldn't that be a fun experiment, to go around to guys and ask to sprain their penis?
A: Some of them might like it.
CC: " As long as you touch it."
A: If there were a big explosion, I would assume it was a nuclear explosion. And I'd run out and be like WOW!
JF: In Ottawa where there are no nuclear plants.
A: We're all going to die!
T: Nuclear plants can't set off nuclear explosions.
A: I'd assume we were being bombed.
J: In Ottawa? Did they get lost?
T:..and this guy was t-boned by a deer...
A: I was thinking a t-bone steak hit a deer, but whatever, go on...
A: I think it's really funny, just to get on and don't think about it. And then you run into all these unexpected problems...
CC: Oh, I heard getting it on.
A: It is kind of sad.
JF: You just keep trying and trying and trying...
C: You could also say that about women...
MP: It really didn't help that you said fasten your thighs and you said screw it and just get on.
A: Yeah, you have a point.
A: I came to the realisation that my boobs were too big when they knocked something off a shelf.
I got the results of my autopsy
A: Ohmygod, yes, a mass grave!!!
J: This is my poking stick.
D: Are you sure you want...
J: Death threats and I'll double poke you.
A: I'm not very good at drawing skittles.
C: They're just circles.
A: I know...
D: Ok, J**, we're going to be making out until you get off the couch.
J: Fuck! You win this round.
A: There's so much more leverage now!
D: I wonder if people would be offended if I started saying "damn you" when they sneezed.
D: Hopefully we weren't offending anybody.
T: We try not to pay attention to young love.
D: And I looked up and he was smiling at me and I looked up because we were not making out at that point & I smiled at him and his smile got bigger...
T: Invitation accepted...
D: You know that I'd be the first one to say "quick, while he's still warm."
T: Rigor mortis has set in. I'm stiff all over.
D: Just a little flame. It was really cool, just jetting out of the end of a little stick.
T: Story of my life.
T: Everyone was awake. Except you and M***.
D: It was cottage and it was six in the fucking morning.
T: I'd started drinking. I needed others to drink with me.
T: It was the beer of choice back in the day. Back before there was choice.
G: I'd like to see your top ten list.
T: Could be anything. Bananas.....it's a top ten list! Could be anything.
G: Movies.
T: ...I love bananas.
T: How's your sleep these days, D**?
D: Good. It does the job.
S: Does the job...
T: Sleep should get up off its fucking lazy ass.
D: I know what I want on my gravestone. "Quick, while he's still warm!"
C: I read somewhere that the smell of fresh bread is a potent aphrodisiac.
T: I know when I smell bread I want to have sex.
D: Your loaf rises with the bread...
T: You're too sensitive, D***. Tell him he's too sensitive.
C: You are too sensitive. Clearly you're the woman in this relationship.
D: I was telling him you couldn't have bacon - at least not twice in one day - and he said "get rid of her." *pouts* He had to hug me...
D: T*** is basically my wife.
C: So he's the one I have to eliminate, then.
H: I had a dream "I had a dream..." I'm sorry. It's from a song. "I dreamed a dream of days gone by..." sorry. I haven't talked to anyone in a while. Except myself.
J2: Most of my best ideas are when I'm taking a dump. It's weird, but, you know the doctor dude in Back to the Future? - he thought up time travel when he was taking a crap...no, he hit his head.
A2: He was the one who walked in the room and was like "I got the results of my autopsy."
D: We were like "They did a damn fine job..."
J2: Just like, hanging out, doing stupid shit.
S2: Like humping a router.
J2: Hey, that was J** and D** who started that.
S2: You were humping it!
D: What did she say?
C: She said "It looks like you ate out some chick on her rag."
D: Oh. hmmm... Did you see...
S2: Oh please don't tell me this is a "speaking of which" transition.
D: It is, oh it is....did you ever see Zach & Miri Make a Porno? Did you ever see the outtakes?
S2: Do I want to?
D: It's really funny. I'm going to tell you..."I'll eat that pussy until I'm clownface."
S2: Explain to him what narcissism is.
D: Staring into a pool at yourself, until you drown.
J1: What?!
S2: You're making it worse!
C: Excessive self-love in the non-masturbatory sense.
A2: I don't like Avatar, It's like Pocahantas with a little bit of Fern Gully.
S2: I look like I'm gagging on a cock.
J2: You have pictures?
S: No, but I know what my face looks like. *gives look* Like that.
J2: Now we know what S** does when she's gagging on a cock.
S2: Everyone makes the same face! You just did.
D: Ok. I prefer not to end my day with a severed head.
C: It's how I like to start mine...
A: What did I tell you? You're in a lesbian relationship with my dad?
J: I'm a two-timing lover of her dad who's a woman...I sent her a text asking if she liked sourpuss and she thought it was her mum and then later she was taking a sip of some and she was like "oooh, you're not my mum" and I was like "your mum tastes like sourpuss??"
J: It's a murder clap. You look like you're trying to find the correct resonance to crush my skull.
C: That would be so cool!
A: That's what I did the other night. When I accidentally hit you in the nuts.
J: "I just accidentally rub my arm against soft objects."
A: At least it wasn't hard. Then I would have noticed. And that would have been awkward.
J: Stop doing the Spock eyebrow, dammit! You're not a Vulcan!
A: Ooooooh! Vulcans! I try not to think about that. Because I've been thinking about it too much lately.
J: I am not Shatner! I do not overact! Oh wait, I do! Fuck!
A: Don't you dare try to hook up with Spock!!!
J: You two have the weirdest fucking flirting I have ever seen. The fighting, the funny faces...
A: How can I put this. This is C** and this is D**. What else did you expect?
J: But it's so weird!
D: It's not kissing; fuck off.
J (to D): So me calling you an asshole makes you sexy.
*J turns on t.v.*
Seth Rogan: ..."but it's true: you can get skin cancer on your stones..."
R: Would it be bad to create a drinking game out of the Stand up to Cancer telethon?
J: Damn, it's genetic! Kermit the Frog is genetic!
T: Remember when I shotgunned a bottle of this?
M: On new years?
T: Yes.
M: And you threw up on me.
T: Yes.
M: J** threw up on me too. Two people threw up on me that night.
T: Someone threw up on me.
R: I wonder what it would be like with 2 guys one girl.
T: Shotgun anus.
M: You would.
T: I would. 'Cause you wouldn't.
D: If you can do quantum physics with pee, I will shit myself out of existence.
T: That sounds like a challenge to me!
A: De's going to kidnap Alfie for C**. And I'm going to play with him.
U: That's so sweet.
A: "Play" with him.
J: This is my poking stick.
D: Are you sure you want...
J: Death threats and I'll double poke you.
A: I'm not very good at drawing skittles.
C: They're just circles.
A: I know...
D: Ok, J**, we're going to be making out until you get off the couch.
J: Fuck! You win this round.
A: There's so much more leverage now!
D: I wonder if people would be offended if I started saying "damn you" when they sneezed.
D: Hopefully we weren't offending anybody.
T: We try not to pay attention to young love.
D: And I looked up and he was smiling at me and I looked up because we were not making out at that point & I smiled at him and his smile got bigger...
T: Invitation accepted...
D: You know that I'd be the first one to say "quick, while he's still warm."
T: Rigor mortis has set in. I'm stiff all over.
D: Just a little flame. It was really cool, just jetting out of the end of a little stick.
T: Story of my life.
T: Everyone was awake. Except you and M***.
D: It was cottage and it was six in the fucking morning.
T: I'd started drinking. I needed others to drink with me.
T: It was the beer of choice back in the day. Back before there was choice.
G: I'd like to see your top ten list.
T: Could be anything. Bananas.....it's a top ten list! Could be anything.
G: Movies.
T: ...I love bananas.
T: How's your sleep these days, D**?
D: Good. It does the job.
S: Does the job...
T: Sleep should get up off its fucking lazy ass.
D: I know what I want on my gravestone. "Quick, while he's still warm!"
C: I read somewhere that the smell of fresh bread is a potent aphrodisiac.
T: I know when I smell bread I want to have sex.
D: Your loaf rises with the bread...
T: You're too sensitive, D***. Tell him he's too sensitive.
C: You are too sensitive. Clearly you're the woman in this relationship.
D: I was telling him you couldn't have bacon - at least not twice in one day - and he said "get rid of her." *pouts* He had to hug me...
D: T*** is basically my wife.
C: So he's the one I have to eliminate, then.
H: I had a dream "I had a dream..." I'm sorry. It's from a song. "I dreamed a dream of days gone by..." sorry. I haven't talked to anyone in a while. Except myself.
J2: Most of my best ideas are when I'm taking a dump. It's weird, but, you know the doctor dude in Back to the Future? - he thought up time travel when he was taking a crap...no, he hit his head.
A2: He was the one who walked in the room and was like "I got the results of my autopsy."
D: We were like "They did a damn fine job..."
J2: Just like, hanging out, doing stupid shit.
S2: Like humping a router.
J2: Hey, that was J** and D** who started that.
S2: You were humping it!
D: What did she say?
C: She said "It looks like you ate out some chick on her rag."
D: Oh. hmmm... Did you see...
S2: Oh please don't tell me this is a "speaking of which" transition.
D: It is, oh it is....did you ever see Zach & Miri Make a Porno? Did you ever see the outtakes?
S2: Do I want to?
D: It's really funny. I'm going to tell you..."I'll eat that pussy until I'm clownface."
S2: Explain to him what narcissism is.
D: Staring into a pool at yourself, until you drown.
J1: What?!
S2: You're making it worse!
C: Excessive self-love in the non-masturbatory sense.
A2: I don't like Avatar, It's like Pocahantas with a little bit of Fern Gully.
S2: I look like I'm gagging on a cock.
J2: You have pictures?
S: No, but I know what my face looks like. *gives look* Like that.
J2: Now we know what S** does when she's gagging on a cock.
S2: Everyone makes the same face! You just did.
D: Ok. I prefer not to end my day with a severed head.
C: It's how I like to start mine...
A: What did I tell you? You're in a lesbian relationship with my dad?
J: I'm a two-timing lover of her dad who's a woman...I sent her a text asking if she liked sourpuss and she thought it was her mum and then later she was taking a sip of some and she was like "oooh, you're not my mum" and I was like "your mum tastes like sourpuss??"
J: It's a murder clap. You look like you're trying to find the correct resonance to crush my skull.
C: That would be so cool!
A: That's what I did the other night. When I accidentally hit you in the nuts.
J: "I just accidentally rub my arm against soft objects."
A: At least it wasn't hard. Then I would have noticed. And that would have been awkward.
J: Stop doing the Spock eyebrow, dammit! You're not a Vulcan!
A: Ooooooh! Vulcans! I try not to think about that. Because I've been thinking about it too much lately.
J: I am not Shatner! I do not overact! Oh wait, I do! Fuck!
A: Don't you dare try to hook up with Spock!!!
J: You two have the weirdest fucking flirting I have ever seen. The fighting, the funny faces...
A: How can I put this. This is C** and this is D**. What else did you expect?
J: But it's so weird!
D: It's not kissing; fuck off.
J (to D): So me calling you an asshole makes you sexy.
*J turns on t.v.*
Seth Rogan: ..."but it's true: you can get skin cancer on your stones..."
R: Would it be bad to create a drinking game out of the Stand up to Cancer telethon?
J: Damn, it's genetic! Kermit the Frog is genetic!
T: Remember when I shotgunned a bottle of this?
M: On new years?
T: Yes.
M: And you threw up on me.
T: Yes.
M: J** threw up on me too. Two people threw up on me that night.
T: Someone threw up on me.
R: I wonder what it would be like with 2 guys one girl.
T: Shotgun anus.
M: You would.
T: I would. 'Cause you wouldn't.
D: If you can do quantum physics with pee, I will shit myself out of existence.
T: That sounds like a challenge to me!
A: De's going to kidnap Alfie for C**. And I'm going to play with him.
U: That's so sweet.
A: "Play" with him.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
subtextual T-rex noises
C: Apparently I was nicknamed 'Sunshine' when I was a little kid. Can you see that?
J: Not unless you caused cancer.
D: Have you seen Dexter?
C: Yeah, a few episodes.
D: Did you like it?
C: He's too emotional.
J: See, it explodes their heads!
C: That's so cute.
D: I'm a nerd.
J: And yet I still enjoy you as a family member..no! no! I was trying not to...don't write that down!
song: "believe me when I say I fucked a mermaid."
C: How?
D: That's what I was thinking.
C: I suppose there's oral.
D: Yeah, but that's not what he's implying.
J: There are ways...
C: Tentacle sex!
D: Unless she fucks him: flipper sex!
boosh: V: "Couldn't you get a real priest?"
BF: "I didn't know how to get one."
D: Dress up as a little boy?
J: "Who took the cookie from the cookie jar?" You go around in a circle accusing each other until finally someone has enough and goes "fuck, yes, I did it!"
D: That sounds like an American torture mechanism.
J: Who put the C4 in the truck? Was it you, Abdullah?
J: Did you eat worms?
C: I threw them at people, and rocks...
D: I do that now.
J: Oh, that's why I wake up with bait in my bed.
J: Creepy piano man is the only one who understands me.
C: You killed everything.
J: Oh, ok. As usual.
D: Wait, isn't that your job?
C: Outsourcing?
D: Gotta share the wealth. We're a communist murder society.
J: I love that the first result is still Hitler.
MW: What is the texture of brains, anyway?
U: Kinda like tofu.
MW: I remember I had an idea for a Hallowe'en costume. Like, a nun on top and a prostitute on the bottom.
U: Tht would be, yeah...
D: Strangely accurate.
D: I remember for one bet, one of them had to dress up as a sheep and get humped by a dog.
MW: That doesn't sound like fun to me.
D: Yeah, we were walking the other day and some guys started saying something and she gave them the finger.
U: What did they say?
D: I think it was something like "hello."
(on the ghost in the machine)
C: You're not special. Chemicals are special.
A: You should be a cranioklept.
C: I should.
A: That would be an awesome thing to put on your resume: cranioklept.
C: We should start a club.
A: The cranioklepty club!
C: Instead of movie nights, we could go graverobbing.
A: It would be so much fun!!
C: We already have J*** to provide the forensic expertise.
A: It would be very illegal, but very fun!
C: We could make decorations and things.
A: It would be like black and lamps and stuff - like Harry Potter but so much cooler. So much cooler.
A: Oh my god, there's going to be a bomb today!
C: I need my t-shirt.
A: Let me get my shirt on!
A: Some people take that the wrong way. It's like the way I think fluffy things are cute or kitty cats.
C: You're not attracted to kitty cats.
A: No.
C: Despite your pedophile comment.
A: I'm having the weirdest dreams now. Something about a totalitarian society...
C: Awesome.
A: Something about talking to a carrot. Something about someone telling me the carrot was giving bad advice. In the dream I trusted the carrot. He seemed pretty reasonable.
C: I don't feel like squirting water out of an animal's behind at people. We all have a line...
A: I was like "usually I enjoy propaganda, but this was way to in my face..." I started drawing this triangle on a journey through space and he met this hairy caterpillar who strangled it with his mind. I called it "The Hairy Caterpillar and the Fifty-Eight Thieves." The emotionless triangle: really just an inanimate object, floating through space and strangled by a caterpillar. I feel so sorry for the emotionaless triangle. I mean, who wants to be inanimate? So sad. This little triangle floating through space and there's this huge toothy caterpillar. I mean, what is this thing? What a travesty!! I mean look at this triangle. It's lines aren't even straight. Look at it, the poor darling. It can't fit into triangle society, and that's why it went on its journey into space. The poor sexually confused triangle. Poor darling.
C: I love your brain. I really, really do.
A: I don't even know. I just don't even know. I don't even know. Do you think I know what goes on up there? I have no entry point.
C: Ohmygod, that's creepy.
A: It's like it's naked. It's dead.
C: It's a naked dead body. We should go all CSI on it.
A: And that's its lifeblood.
C: Oh no!
A: It came off!
C: It's like cranioklepty.
A: We could be the cranioklepts of pens! We could be like the morticians in Stationary Village.
A: I don't think they'd like me as a mortician. I'd be too..
C: Happy.
A: I'd be like LA LA LA hacking at them..."oh sorry, I went a little too feisty with your friend's corpse."
A: I can turn the light on if you want. I know you're like Harry Potter without the phallic symbolism, but...
C: I'm good.
J: Today I handed out bus passes to a guy who looked like Starburns. He even had star-shaped sideburns.
A: I would never steal your Guinessness. I have never done that before.
J: But I'm paranoid about my Guinessness. Especially since you started calling it my Guinessness.
MS: Guinessi?
J: I like that. Guinessi.
MS: Did I just make it in the notebook?
A: It's like the table's bicycle.
J: That doesn't work. No one wants to ride your beer.
P: Speak for yourself.
J: P**, what have I told you? What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
A: He doesn't seem weaselly to me. There are more weaselly people. Like weasels.
C: I don't think they're people.
T: Weasel people.
J: Why do I have to listen to you again?
A: Because I can kill you.
J: Seriously? I a diabetic toddler could kill me.
A: No, I could send C** to kill you.
J: I have realised that my death at C**'s hands is inevitable so it no longer scares me.
J: I think that's the only time someone's got a standing ovation for standing up.
MS: J** is so awesome he's getting a standing ovation for going to the washroom.
CC: Before, not after.
J: Oh great, it's like a projectile vomit of hatred.
A: Yes. Cheers.
CC: I saw Tits the other day. We had a good conversation. We talked about you...
C: It's your party; take the pickle.
J: Unless you want to see my face a bloody mangled mess...
C: Are you sure you want to phrase it that way?
J: Unless you want to see me lying in the gutter, crying...
C: Are you sure you want to phrase it that way?
J: Unless you want to get us kicked out of the bar...
CC: So now do you understand why I was like "we need to leave now."
MS: I just thought you didn't want to lose the reservation...actually, O** called me before and told me the whole thing.
J: You're like a red-headed unicorn of hatred.
A: It's my hair tentacle.
A: Yeah, we can go to Hollywood and get headshots!
J: Wow, you and I think of really different things when we hear the word "headshot."
A: This is the best kind of friends you can have. You can make dying T-rex noises and no one notices. It's true...everyone else is making subtextual T-rex noises.
CC: J**, it's all your fault!
J: A**'s secret children is my fault?
...
J: I don't even remember it.
CC: It was that good. Or that fast, I dunno.
...
C: Why do you have secret children?
J: That's what I want to know.
A: I just do.
C: Are they going to be minions or just entertainment?
A: Dunno. Could be clowns. Could be mice. Dunno.
C: They're going to feed your cats?
J: And I thought I was drunk...
A: Clowns, mice, an inanimate piece of toast...
BEER KARMA
A: I feel like the Allies liberating Europe.
C: Why?
A: Because we're liberating the alcohol.
A: I have a tendency to talk about incest with them. Oh well. I don't mind.
C: I'm not threatened.
J: Well, I knew half of it, but I don't know much about women, so I didn't..
C: I didn't notice either...
M: You should make out.
P: What do you think this is, your birthday?
M: Wait, I can make people make out on my birthday?
J: I know they don't have door knobs in Australia..
A: I live in Star Trek land now. They just open for me.
J: But you know what opens them? Poisonous snakes.
A: Is that what happened in Star Trk? Oh no, poor Spock, oh my god!!
A: True enough, young Paduan.
J: "True enough, young Paduan"?
A: Shut up; no one was supposed to hear that!
A: If I had a fucking fuck card
CC: Who would you use it towards?
J: She accidentally hit me in the nuts.
A: I didn't notice.
J: Which is even more emasculating.
MS: it happens.
MS: He's talking up a chick.
J: That sounds like P**.
MS: No, the chick's a dude.
J: That sounds like P**.
MS: He's got the ice.
C: You're such an INFP. "I want to be as free as the wind!"
A: "And then I got lazy."
J: Not unless you caused cancer.
D: Have you seen Dexter?
C: Yeah, a few episodes.
D: Did you like it?
C: He's too emotional.
J: See, it explodes their heads!
C: That's so cute.
D: I'm a nerd.
J: And yet I still enjoy you as a family member..no! no! I was trying not to...don't write that down!
song: "believe me when I say I fucked a mermaid."
C: How?
D: That's what I was thinking.
C: I suppose there's oral.
D: Yeah, but that's not what he's implying.
J: There are ways...
C: Tentacle sex!
D: Unless she fucks him: flipper sex!
boosh: V: "Couldn't you get a real priest?"
BF: "I didn't know how to get one."
D: Dress up as a little boy?
J: "Who took the cookie from the cookie jar?" You go around in a circle accusing each other until finally someone has enough and goes "fuck, yes, I did it!"
D: That sounds like an American torture mechanism.
J: Who put the C4 in the truck? Was it you, Abdullah?
J: Did you eat worms?
C: I threw them at people, and rocks...
D: I do that now.
J: Oh, that's why I wake up with bait in my bed.
J: Creepy piano man is the only one who understands me.
C: You killed everything.
J: Oh, ok. As usual.
D: Wait, isn't that your job?
C: Outsourcing?
D: Gotta share the wealth. We're a communist murder society.
J: I love that the first result is still Hitler.
MW: What is the texture of brains, anyway?
U: Kinda like tofu.
MW: I remember I had an idea for a Hallowe'en costume. Like, a nun on top and a prostitute on the bottom.
U: Tht would be, yeah...
D: Strangely accurate.
D: I remember for one bet, one of them had to dress up as a sheep and get humped by a dog.
MW: That doesn't sound like fun to me.
D: Yeah, we were walking the other day and some guys started saying something and she gave them the finger.
U: What did they say?
D: I think it was something like "hello."
(on the ghost in the machine)
C: You're not special. Chemicals are special.
A: You should be a cranioklept.
C: I should.
A: That would be an awesome thing to put on your resume: cranioklept.
C: We should start a club.
A: The cranioklepty club!
C: Instead of movie nights, we could go graverobbing.
A: It would be so much fun!!
C: We already have J*** to provide the forensic expertise.
A: It would be very illegal, but very fun!
C: We could make decorations and things.
A: It would be like black and lamps and stuff - like Harry Potter but so much cooler. So much cooler.
A: Oh my god, there's going to be a bomb today!
C: I need my t-shirt.
A: Let me get my shirt on!
A: Some people take that the wrong way. It's like the way I think fluffy things are cute or kitty cats.
C: You're not attracted to kitty cats.
A: No.
C: Despite your pedophile comment.
A: I'm having the weirdest dreams now. Something about a totalitarian society...
C: Awesome.
A: Something about talking to a carrot. Something about someone telling me the carrot was giving bad advice. In the dream I trusted the carrot. He seemed pretty reasonable.
C: I don't feel like squirting water out of an animal's behind at people. We all have a line...
A: I was like "usually I enjoy propaganda, but this was way to in my face..." I started drawing this triangle on a journey through space and he met this hairy caterpillar who strangled it with his mind. I called it "The Hairy Caterpillar and the Fifty-Eight Thieves." The emotionless triangle: really just an inanimate object, floating through space and strangled by a caterpillar. I feel so sorry for the emotionaless triangle. I mean, who wants to be inanimate? So sad. This little triangle floating through space and there's this huge toothy caterpillar. I mean, what is this thing? What a travesty!! I mean look at this triangle. It's lines aren't even straight. Look at it, the poor darling. It can't fit into triangle society, and that's why it went on its journey into space. The poor sexually confused triangle. Poor darling.
C: I love your brain. I really, really do.
A: I don't even know. I just don't even know. I don't even know. Do you think I know what goes on up there? I have no entry point.
C: Ohmygod, that's creepy.
A: It's like it's naked. It's dead.
C: It's a naked dead body. We should go all CSI on it.
A: And that's its lifeblood.
C: Oh no!
A: It came off!
C: It's like cranioklepty.
A: We could be the cranioklepts of pens! We could be like the morticians in Stationary Village.
A: I don't think they'd like me as a mortician. I'd be too..
C: Happy.
A: I'd be like LA LA LA hacking at them..."oh sorry, I went a little too feisty with your friend's corpse."
A: I can turn the light on if you want. I know you're like Harry Potter without the phallic symbolism, but...
C: I'm good.
J: Today I handed out bus passes to a guy who looked like Starburns. He even had star-shaped sideburns.
A: I would never steal your Guinessness. I have never done that before.
J: But I'm paranoid about my Guinessness. Especially since you started calling it my Guinessness.
MS: Guinessi?
J: I like that. Guinessi.
MS: Did I just make it in the notebook?
A: It's like the table's bicycle.
J: That doesn't work. No one wants to ride your beer.
P: Speak for yourself.
J: P**, what have I told you? What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
A: He doesn't seem weaselly to me. There are more weaselly people. Like weasels.
C: I don't think they're people.
T: Weasel people.
J: Why do I have to listen to you again?
A: Because I can kill you.
J: Seriously? I a diabetic toddler could kill me.
A: No, I could send C** to kill you.
J: I have realised that my death at C**'s hands is inevitable so it no longer scares me.
J: I think that's the only time someone's got a standing ovation for standing up.
MS: J** is so awesome he's getting a standing ovation for going to the washroom.
CC: Before, not after.
J: Oh great, it's like a projectile vomit of hatred.
A: Yes. Cheers.
CC: I saw Tits the other day. We had a good conversation. We talked about you...
C: It's your party; take the pickle.
J: Unless you want to see my face a bloody mangled mess...
C: Are you sure you want to phrase it that way?
J: Unless you want to see me lying in the gutter, crying...
C: Are you sure you want to phrase it that way?
J: Unless you want to get us kicked out of the bar...
CC: So now do you understand why I was like "we need to leave now."
MS: I just thought you didn't want to lose the reservation...actually, O** called me before and told me the whole thing.
J: You're like a red-headed unicorn of hatred.
A: It's my hair tentacle.
A: Yeah, we can go to Hollywood and get headshots!
J: Wow, you and I think of really different things when we hear the word "headshot."
A: This is the best kind of friends you can have. You can make dying T-rex noises and no one notices. It's true...everyone else is making subtextual T-rex noises.
CC: J**, it's all your fault!
J: A**'s secret children is my fault?
...
J: I don't even remember it.
CC: It was that good. Or that fast, I dunno.
...
C: Why do you have secret children?
J: That's what I want to know.
A: I just do.
C: Are they going to be minions or just entertainment?
A: Dunno. Could be clowns. Could be mice. Dunno.
C: They're going to feed your cats?
J: And I thought I was drunk...
A: Clowns, mice, an inanimate piece of toast...
BEER KARMA
A: I feel like the Allies liberating Europe.
C: Why?
A: Because we're liberating the alcohol.
A: I have a tendency to talk about incest with them. Oh well. I don't mind.
C: I'm not threatened.
J: Well, I knew half of it, but I don't know much about women, so I didn't..
C: I didn't notice either...
M: You should make out.
P: What do you think this is, your birthday?
M: Wait, I can make people make out on my birthday?
J: I know they don't have door knobs in Australia..
A: I live in Star Trek land now. They just open for me.
J: But you know what opens them? Poisonous snakes.
A: Is that what happened in Star Trk? Oh no, poor Spock, oh my god!!
A: True enough, young Paduan.
J: "True enough, young Paduan"?
A: Shut up; no one was supposed to hear that!
A: If I had a fucking fuck card
CC: Who would you use it towards?
J: She accidentally hit me in the nuts.
A: I didn't notice.
J: Which is even more emasculating.
MS: it happens.
MS: He's talking up a chick.
J: That sounds like P**.
MS: No, the chick's a dude.
J: That sounds like P**.
MS: He's got the ice.
C: You're such an INFP. "I want to be as free as the wind!"
A: "And then I got lazy."
Sunday, August 15, 2010
To know of the notebook is to be part of the notebook
A: I don't know how to pat a dog. I automatically go for, like, the kitty parts.
A: I always had staring competitions with my cat. And I always won because she didn't have a good attention span.
D: I had this friend whose dog , every time she saw me, she just started barking and barking...
J: That's because she knew you're Satan.
D (growly voice attempt): What are you talking about?
J: I said Satan, not Kermit the Frog.
D: That's for my S&M.
A: That's quite a specific scenario.
J: Christmas S&M....deck the halls with ballbags of holly.
D: 'Tis the season to be jolly.
C: Don we now our gay apparel....
Captain Bleach and the Suicide Aftermath.
H: I wonder if they do that in real life. It's like, someone bumps into them on the street, they fall over, go all....you're like "soccer player."
C: It reminds me of Hamish Blake's "Does crying get you man love?"
Video
A: And he's(Spock) being all logical and I'm like "you're so cute!"
C: I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate that reaction.
A: I'm pretty sure he wouldn't. He'd be like "what?" and raise one eyebrow...
C: He'd tell you you were being illogical.
A: And he'd be like, "Your feelings are illogical, A***." and I'd be like "Yes!!! *giggles* Say it again!"
A: I do! You've discovered new insight into my character. My "character." Well. The way you drink tea or coffee says important things about someone who drinks as much as I do.
C: Yes, just the way you insert a needle tells a lot about a heroin addict.
A: I could play solitaire because that's all I know how to do.
C: You could invent your own tarot cards.
J: Ok, if you invented your own tarot cards, every card would be death.
A: But there would be many different ways to die.
J: Yes, always because your soul is leaving your body because C**** killed you.
C: Your limbs leaving your body, your blood leaving your body...a veritable buffet of options.
J: I can't take aspirin because I have bleedy blood. And no, you can't test this. That smile tells me all I need to know.
J: They're special.
A: So you pet me on the head.
J: I can't pat them on the head - they'd rip off my head.
A: But I can wreap reek, wrea, reap, wreak...
J: But I have a bridge full of fear!
S: They have a pedicure in Japan where they have a kind of fish - I forget what kind, not pirhanas - but they eat away the dead skin...
Muffins gone wild.
J: Our family came on the Mayflower.
D: Quite literally.
A: The poor Mayflower.
S: The whole family?
UNITY THROUGH TETANUS
GIANT SWIZZLESTICKS OF DOOM
A: By the by, you do know of the werewolves, right? LA LA LA
A: I feel like I have an audience here. Like I'm on display.
S: I prefer to think of it as a wall of judgement.
C: I want a demon.
A: What?
C: A demon.
S: What?
C&A: Demon.
A: I head "a Dean." I was like, ok...
S: I heard "I want to die." I was like, keep it to yourself, C**...
C: See, I would just be tempted to do something that makes you look ridiculous rather than something that furthered my evil plans.
J: This is me. I already look ridiculous.
C: But think how much more ridiculous you would look with a tentacle growing out of your forehead, poking your nose and eyes.
J: I could be popular with Japanese girls.
T: Looking for some head.
J: And then I wouldn't have a complex from tentacle sex anymore!
C: I'll save your lovelife by implanting a tentacle in your forehead!!
J: Why aren't you writing this down?
D: Why would I be cold? What with all the ice and air conditioning and water...
C: Damp.
D: We prefer the term "wet."
C: Ok....
J: D**, how's the foot in mouth disease coming?
D: Great. Badly.
D: Thankfully, I learnt not to eat when I was in Europe.
J: I learnt not to eat when you were in Europe too.
C: Hockey just isn't the same without constant sexual innuendo.
D: Then again, D** has been giving it to us all...oh god.
D: I wish I could phase shift to another dimension right now.
D&J: To know of the notebook is to be part of the notebook.
C: A superpower of contagion thing?
J: There was already a supervillain with that power. They called her Typhoid Mary....could have been more original though.
D: AIDS Jane?
A: It smells of you though. It should have my scent. It should smell like me.
A: My world is orange! I see the light!
D: You should punch it.
A: Hmmmm, maybe you're right. Maybe I should punch the light....oooh, there's a button in here....
J: Congratulations, A***, you're a sleep lesbian.
A: No, I consider myself sleep-bicurious. I'm not fully graduated to lesbianism yet.
A: Fuck me, why did I just do that?
C: What?
A: I licked my arm. It tasted like soap...I was like laughing and giggling yesterday and for some reason I kissed my hand. There's like this moment where you step back and are like "what the fuck am I doing?"
A: What is the purpose of having weirdness if not to share it with everyone so they can mock you?
A: I have flashes of...
C: Competence?
A: Yeah, I wasn't sure what to call it...
C: It's so unfamiliar...
S: There must have been so much fake laughter in Nazi Germany.
A: Like, ahahahaha. Hahaha Hitler. That's so funny Hitler...
A: I always had staring competitions with my cat. And I always won because she didn't have a good attention span.
D: I had this friend whose dog , every time she saw me, she just started barking and barking...
J: That's because she knew you're Satan.
D (growly voice attempt): What are you talking about?
J: I said Satan, not Kermit the Frog.
D: That's for my S&M.
A: That's quite a specific scenario.
J: Christmas S&M....deck the halls with ballbags of holly.
D: 'Tis the season to be jolly.
C: Don we now our gay apparel....
Captain Bleach and the Suicide Aftermath.
H: I wonder if they do that in real life. It's like, someone bumps into them on the street, they fall over, go all....you're like "soccer player."
C: It reminds me of Hamish Blake's "Does crying get you man love?"
Video
A: And he's(Spock) being all logical and I'm like "you're so cute!"
C: I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate that reaction.
A: I'm pretty sure he wouldn't. He'd be like "what?" and raise one eyebrow...
C: He'd tell you you were being illogical.
A: And he'd be like, "Your feelings are illogical, A***." and I'd be like "Yes!!! *giggles* Say it again!"
A: I do! You've discovered new insight into my character. My "character." Well. The way you drink tea or coffee says important things about someone who drinks as much as I do.
C: Yes, just the way you insert a needle tells a lot about a heroin addict.
A: I could play solitaire because that's all I know how to do.
C: You could invent your own tarot cards.
J: Ok, if you invented your own tarot cards, every card would be death.
A: But there would be many different ways to die.
J: Yes, always because your soul is leaving your body because C**** killed you.
C: Your limbs leaving your body, your blood leaving your body...a veritable buffet of options.
J: I can't take aspirin because I have bleedy blood. And no, you can't test this. That smile tells me all I need to know.
J: They're special.
A: So you pet me on the head.
J: I can't pat them on the head - they'd rip off my head.
A: But I can wreap reek, wrea, reap, wreak...
J: But I have a bridge full of fear!
S: They have a pedicure in Japan where they have a kind of fish - I forget what kind, not pirhanas - but they eat away the dead skin...
Muffins gone wild.
J: Our family came on the Mayflower.
D: Quite literally.
A: The poor Mayflower.
S: The whole family?
UNITY THROUGH TETANUS
GIANT SWIZZLESTICKS OF DOOM
A: By the by, you do know of the werewolves, right? LA LA LA
A: I feel like I have an audience here. Like I'm on display.
S: I prefer to think of it as a wall of judgement.
C: I want a demon.
A: What?
C: A demon.
S: What?
C&A: Demon.
A: I head "a Dean." I was like, ok...
S: I heard "I want to die." I was like, keep it to yourself, C**...
C: See, I would just be tempted to do something that makes you look ridiculous rather than something that furthered my evil plans.
J: This is me. I already look ridiculous.
C: But think how much more ridiculous you would look with a tentacle growing out of your forehead, poking your nose and eyes.
J: I could be popular with Japanese girls.
T: Looking for some head.
J: And then I wouldn't have a complex from tentacle sex anymore!
C: I'll save your lovelife by implanting a tentacle in your forehead!!
J: Why aren't you writing this down?
D: Why would I be cold? What with all the ice and air conditioning and water...
C: Damp.
D: We prefer the term "wet."
C: Ok....
J: D**, how's the foot in mouth disease coming?
D: Great. Badly.
D: Thankfully, I learnt not to eat when I was in Europe.
J: I learnt not to eat when you were in Europe too.
C: Hockey just isn't the same without constant sexual innuendo.
D: Then again, D** has been giving it to us all...oh god.
D: I wish I could phase shift to another dimension right now.
D&J: To know of the notebook is to be part of the notebook.
C: A superpower of contagion thing?
J: There was already a supervillain with that power. They called her Typhoid Mary....could have been more original though.
D: AIDS Jane?
A: It smells of you though. It should have my scent. It should smell like me.
A: My world is orange! I see the light!
D: You should punch it.
A: Hmmmm, maybe you're right. Maybe I should punch the light....oooh, there's a button in here....
J: Congratulations, A***, you're a sleep lesbian.
A: No, I consider myself sleep-bicurious. I'm not fully graduated to lesbianism yet.
A: Fuck me, why did I just do that?
C: What?
A: I licked my arm. It tasted like soap...I was like laughing and giggling yesterday and for some reason I kissed my hand. There's like this moment where you step back and are like "what the fuck am I doing?"
A: What is the purpose of having weirdness if not to share it with everyone so they can mock you?
A: I have flashes of...
C: Competence?
A: Yeah, I wasn't sure what to call it...
C: It's so unfamiliar...
S: There must have been so much fake laughter in Nazi Germany.
A: Like, ahahahaha. Hahaha Hitler. That's so funny Hitler...
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Bitches don't understand caterpillars
A: I feel like I should have a white van for kittens. I'm like a kitty version of a
C: Pedophile?
J: Please don't immolate my roomate. Unless you're willing to pay half my rent.
D: I shouldn't tell you about the insurance policy, should I?
J: Am I the beneficiary?
D: Indirectly.
J: The lighter fluid's in there.
D: It actually is in there.
C: Don't you like fire?
J: I want to save it for later.
A: We all know you're going to kill D.
J: That would be too predictable.
CC: It will be romantic.
C: It will be a romantic death scene...
J: We're cousins!
...
D: Or it could be like an exploding heart!
C: His body could fertilize roses!
CC: It's like a really bad tampon. It's like a canesten infomercial.
A: It's like the worst thing I've heard all day. Oh my god. And I can't stop doing it for some reason.
J: Anyone else need a drink?
J: C, do you want it?
A: Do not give lethal weapons to C!
D: I value my eyes.
J: It's not lethal; it's disfiguring.
D: Again, I value my eyes.
A: Oh, I thought you said 'fucking my bones.'
C: No picking...well, they might.
A: Like, on...
C: Or in the carcasses.
A: It could be a fetish...what would it be called if it were a specific part of a corpse? Not necrophilia...
C: Ossiphilia?
A: What did you just say? You would need a large vagina?
CC: No you'd need a really large penis that wraps around.
J: You'd think with the amound of expense I've had, I'd be better off faking them.
D: That's what she said.
J: Can we please stop talking about porn? It's making me uncomfortable. And I don't want to feel uncomfortabe when thinking about porn.
Bob Cole: And all the big guns are on for Pittsburgh: Crosby.....(long pause)
A: I am so gangster. Bitches don't understand caterpillars. Yeah. That so distilled my personality. Being all opinionated and then saying something like that.
A: And we made caterpillar friends! Well, I made caterpillar friends. You made caterpillar enemies.
C: They molested me.
A: They molested you. And I molested them!! It's the circle of life...And it moves us all...
A: You have a strong record of ridiculous.
D: I love that you're standing there with a knife.
J: You are the pinto bean layer beneath the mother is your sour cream. The tortilla chips are your repressed urges mixing you with your mother...
A: My mum, yeah...this time I asked for Christmas for the Millenium Album by the Backstreet Boys and I got this thing called "The Millenium Prayer Album."
MW: Well, I can't really relate to the characters that much.
U: Thank GOD.
MW: But it's kind of like escapism.
U: Because you and me, we'd have to have a talk.
MW: It's still a person. They can still respect you and want to drink your blood.
A: Well, the Japanese are perverted in a more imaginative, ridiculous, amazing way...
C: If you think about it, tentacle sex is probably effective.
J: Well, squids have teeth and stuff...
C: Well just in terms of flexibility and mobility and such...
(D walking in door)
J: I'm sort of going to have an inferiority complex by the end of the night because of tentacle sex...Hi D. Perfect timing.
D: I wanted to do that. Shout it out in church."Let's have sex!"
A: I'm thinking of the threesome with the Christ with the extra holes.
J: It would be a real party. He could turn the water in your body into wine.
D: Are you talking about alcohol-based lubricant?
C: Wouldn't that chafe?
J: Ok, so plan B.
D: What's plan B?
C: Cry like a BITCH!!
J: Again, not helping.
A: I don't think she's trying to help.
C: I love codeine...
D: What did one necrophiliac say to another necrophiliac?
Want to get a cold one?
D: That water cooler looks hot.
J: Are you hitting on it?
D: I've had my eye on it all night.
A: It's wet.
J: You going to tap that?
D: I have to turn it on first.
A: Can you imagine that? If C broke into your house...
J: *whimpers*
D: It's been a good life.
J: I think I'd have to put my dresser in front of my door and I can hide in the closet...
C: Yes, please tell me your plan.
A: Food is much better when it used to move on its own. You can almost taste its dreams.
A: So we have five channels. Three of which are named after numbers. Numbers above five. I never thought of that....
S: I mean, we had teachers who hit students, but it was accidentally. I mean he didn't meean to hit the marker in her eye - he meant to hit her with the marker, but not in the eye...
C: I think we need to make up lovers for the friends of our friends we don't know, so we can join in the conversation.
D: We probably should have stopped when I nearly poked out your eye. It's like your stick in hockey: you have to be responsible for it at all times.
D: I honestly expect to go out some night to get some water and find you there, but with a bloodstained knife.
J: Where?
D: In our apartment. She knows how to get in now because of the Canadian Tire guy.
J: My first drink thought is "I could eat 40 chicken nuggets."
A: I probably could eat 40 chicken nuggets.
D: No deflowering! No deflowering!
J: I learn something new about you every day, D.
D: Hey, you don't have four.
J: what.
A: I spent a wonderful summer in Australia when I discovered how wonderful spitballs are. Well, not spitballs exactly, but the power of sticking sticky toilet paper to things.
S: Ewww...
A: No, I would sit in my bathroom and I would take the toilet paper and I would throw it on the ceiling above the sink and no one noticed.
A: You should meet my brother. He has like the longest and thickest lashes - like more than any girl.
C: Maybe he wears mascara and doesn't admit it.
U: He might, just, like, to keep it up.
*C&S snigger immaturely*
S: I hadn't heard that before. You don't need Viagra; you just need mascara.
A: Everytime some guy honks, it's always when I'm with someone else, so I tell them it's at them.
C: Well, there was the guy dripping blood.
A: There was the possibly concussed guy dripping blood yes.
C: And the guy who thought you were a prostitute.
A: The two guys who thought I was a prostitute yes.
C: Pedophile?
J: Please don't immolate my roomate. Unless you're willing to pay half my rent.
D: I shouldn't tell you about the insurance policy, should I?
J: Am I the beneficiary?
D: Indirectly.
J: The lighter fluid's in there.
D: It actually is in there.
C: Don't you like fire?
J: I want to save it for later.
A: We all know you're going to kill D.
J: That would be too predictable.
CC: It will be romantic.
C: It will be a romantic death scene...
J: We're cousins!
...
D: Or it could be like an exploding heart!
C: His body could fertilize roses!
CC: It's like a really bad tampon. It's like a canesten infomercial.
A: It's like the worst thing I've heard all day. Oh my god. And I can't stop doing it for some reason.
J: Anyone else need a drink?
J: C, do you want it?
A: Do not give lethal weapons to C!
D: I value my eyes.
J: It's not lethal; it's disfiguring.
D: Again, I value my eyes.
A: Oh, I thought you said 'fucking my bones.'
C: No picking...well, they might.
A: Like, on...
C: Or in the carcasses.
A: It could be a fetish...what would it be called if it were a specific part of a corpse? Not necrophilia...
C: Ossiphilia?
A: What did you just say? You would need a large vagina?
CC: No you'd need a really large penis that wraps around.
J: You'd think with the amound of expense I've had, I'd be better off faking them.
D: That's what she said.
J: Can we please stop talking about porn? It's making me uncomfortable. And I don't want to feel uncomfortabe when thinking about porn.
Bob Cole: And all the big guns are on for Pittsburgh: Crosby.....(long pause)
A: I am so gangster. Bitches don't understand caterpillars. Yeah. That so distilled my personality. Being all opinionated and then saying something like that.
A: And we made caterpillar friends! Well, I made caterpillar friends. You made caterpillar enemies.
C: They molested me.
A: They molested you. And I molested them!! It's the circle of life...And it moves us all...
A: You have a strong record of ridiculous.
D: I love that you're standing there with a knife.
J: You are the pinto bean layer beneath the mother is your sour cream. The tortilla chips are your repressed urges mixing you with your mother...
A: My mum, yeah...this time I asked for Christmas for the Millenium Album by the Backstreet Boys and I got this thing called "The Millenium Prayer Album."
MW: Well, I can't really relate to the characters that much.
U: Thank GOD.
MW: But it's kind of like escapism.
U: Because you and me, we'd have to have a talk.
MW: It's still a person. They can still respect you and want to drink your blood.
A: Well, the Japanese are perverted in a more imaginative, ridiculous, amazing way...
C: If you think about it, tentacle sex is probably effective.
J: Well, squids have teeth and stuff...
C: Well just in terms of flexibility and mobility and such...
(D walking in door)
J: I'm sort of going to have an inferiority complex by the end of the night because of tentacle sex...Hi D. Perfect timing.
D: I wanted to do that. Shout it out in church."Let's have sex!"
A: I'm thinking of the threesome with the Christ with the extra holes.
J: It would be a real party. He could turn the water in your body into wine.
D: Are you talking about alcohol-based lubricant?
C: Wouldn't that chafe?
J: Ok, so plan B.
D: What's plan B?
C: Cry like a BITCH!!
J: Again, not helping.
A: I don't think she's trying to help.
C: I love codeine...
D: What did one necrophiliac say to another necrophiliac?
Want to get a cold one?
D: That water cooler looks hot.
J: Are you hitting on it?
D: I've had my eye on it all night.
A: It's wet.
J: You going to tap that?
D: I have to turn it on first.
A: Can you imagine that? If C broke into your house...
J: *whimpers*
D: It's been a good life.
J: I think I'd have to put my dresser in front of my door and I can hide in the closet...
C: Yes, please tell me your plan.
A: Food is much better when it used to move on its own. You can almost taste its dreams.
A: So we have five channels. Three of which are named after numbers. Numbers above five. I never thought of that....
S: I mean, we had teachers who hit students, but it was accidentally. I mean he didn't meean to hit the marker in her eye - he meant to hit her with the marker, but not in the eye...
C: I think we need to make up lovers for the friends of our friends we don't know, so we can join in the conversation.
D: We probably should have stopped when I nearly poked out your eye. It's like your stick in hockey: you have to be responsible for it at all times.
D: I honestly expect to go out some night to get some water and find you there, but with a bloodstained knife.
J: Where?
D: In our apartment. She knows how to get in now because of the Canadian Tire guy.
J: My first drink thought is "I could eat 40 chicken nuggets."
A: I probably could eat 40 chicken nuggets.
D: No deflowering! No deflowering!
J: I learn something new about you every day, D.
D: Hey, you don't have four.
J: what.
A: I spent a wonderful summer in Australia when I discovered how wonderful spitballs are. Well, not spitballs exactly, but the power of sticking sticky toilet paper to things.
S: Ewww...
A: No, I would sit in my bathroom and I would take the toilet paper and I would throw it on the ceiling above the sink and no one noticed.
A: You should meet my brother. He has like the longest and thickest lashes - like more than any girl.
C: Maybe he wears mascara and doesn't admit it.
U: He might, just, like, to keep it up.
*C&S snigger immaturely*
S: I hadn't heard that before. You don't need Viagra; you just need mascara.
A: Everytime some guy honks, it's always when I'm with someone else, so I tell them it's at them.
C: Well, there was the guy dripping blood.
A: There was the possibly concussed guy dripping blood yes.
C: And the guy who thought you were a prostitute.
A: The two guys who thought I was a prostitute yes.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Arranging destiny through romance and mystery
U: We should have a swopping party sometime.
CC: What?
C: Swopping what?
U: Clothes.
CC: Oh, 'cause I was like "I don't have a boyfriend to bring..."
A: Oh, I thought that guy's name was Hepatitis. "Hey baby, I'm Mr. Hepatitis" - worst. pickup. line. ever.
A: I decided to be proactive about things, so I joined a dating site.
SC: albinoasianmidgets.com
A: So this guy messages me. He was albino and he had a cane. He was like "the first thing you'll notice about me is I have a cane."
C: Why did you pick this site?
A: It was free.
SC: It wasn't actually that - she wouldn't tell me so I said I would tell you it was albinoasianmidgets.com.
A: And there was this other guy - you'd like this - he asked me to, like, describe myself in 10 words and I said whatever and then he did himself and said "Arranging destiny through romance and mystery."
A: I would be a good 80s movie montage.
O: You don't choose to have feelings.
C: Yes you do. I do.
A: Oh C****, the more I know you, the more I think Dexter.
O: No no no no no we've had this conversation. C*** is way more of a psychopath than Dexter.
U: He shared the same sentiment as you against Valentine's day.
MW: You're against Valentine's day?
C: I just think it's silly.
MW: It's about chocolate. How could that be bad?
A: It's like child porn. For necrophiliacs.
C: That's creepy.
A: It is. It's fondling the car.
C: The rain is groping the car!!
C: That is the geekiest way of summoning a vortex ever. High fives.
A: And really flailing stupid high fives.
O: Can you imagine a hobbit with a foot fetish?
C: We all know I'm more likely to turn to murder than to suicide.
CC: I was a bad student. "What rhymes with duck?" "Fuck!" "CC, that's a bad word." "But it rhymes..."
CC: He was like "what's your sexual fantasy?" and I said "to cuddle afterwards..."
O: A*** this cake feels like you.
A: It does.
O: Super moist.
A: I'm glad there's context for this, because that...
C: I'm tempted to squirt you.
A: Oh that's - you know how I told you I have a bad association with the word squirt?
C: Yeah.
A: Well, we're saying it all the time now and it's bad.
C: Moist.
A: Oh god, moist...I feel all warm and moist now.
C: Because you got squirted.
A: I tend to hug things that are square and hard. Square and hard...I have a fetish for inanimate objects that are hard and cold and calculating.
O: I'm surprised my parents didn't send me to a psychologist earlier. I had these displays in my closet of barbies and my little ponies in compromising positions.
A: Yeah, I mean couldn't she just run off with the Cheshire cat?
A: One of the best things about dressing gowns is how you can feel like Napoleon in them. I mean, don't you feel more powerful with your hand tucked in your robe? I do. More napoleonic.
D: I was just thinking the Huggies thief has struck again! At least she didn't go for the Pampers.
J: Speaking of weird...
C: KITTY!!!!!!!!!!
C: I like imagining that people in shows are gay and imagining what happens.
J: Jack Bauer. It would be the angriest gay sex ever.
D: Horatio Caine. I'm almost there...yeeeeaaaahhh.
A: Oh god, with the sunglasses...Was it...good for you?
J: Before we do this, I'm going to need...protection.
J: Oh god, my hubris!
CC: I heard uterus. I was like, "honey, you don't have one..."
D: It looks like...I'm not even going to say it...It looks like a rapist beard.
J: It does. It looks like it smells of roofies and chloroform.
C: And semen.
A: And tears. Semen and tears.
D: Wait, was that Bob Cole? He just said "and they're still feeling each other up."
C: That was bad timing.
A: What did you take a picture of?
J: You'll never know!!! Oh, my thumb apparently.
A: Dildos! Dildos!!
D: DILDOS!
J: That is the best war cry ever.
D: Ribbed for her pleasure - and also hers.
J: Oh god, she's writing this down.
A: Ok, officially lesbian pirates are a bad thing.
C: Like we could have giant insects go around and suck people try until they turn into a husk.
J: I would be terrified of you if you were a supervillain. In fact, I'm not convinced you're not.
C: Thanks :)
J: That's why.
J: That looked so wrong! Winchester's lying on top of him right now and they're not moving and he's like "This is awkward. I have a boner right now."
CC: Do you really?
J: No!!
D: That's what I want to be when I grow up.
J: Gay?
C: Why wait?
D: the rainbow is that way!! No, I mean thrown to the floor really quickly. But mostly not by guys.
J: The connection was a bit tortured, I admit. Well, maybe a little waterboarded.
CC: What?
C: Swopping what?
U: Clothes.
CC: Oh, 'cause I was like "I don't have a boyfriend to bring..."
A: Oh, I thought that guy's name was Hepatitis. "Hey baby, I'm Mr. Hepatitis" - worst. pickup. line. ever.
A: I decided to be proactive about things, so I joined a dating site.
SC: albinoasianmidgets.com
A: So this guy messages me. He was albino and he had a cane. He was like "the first thing you'll notice about me is I have a cane."
C: Why did you pick this site?
A: It was free.
SC: It wasn't actually that - she wouldn't tell me so I said I would tell you it was albinoasianmidgets.com.
A: And there was this other guy - you'd like this - he asked me to, like, describe myself in 10 words and I said whatever and then he did himself and said "Arranging destiny through romance and mystery."
A: I would be a good 80s movie montage.
O: You don't choose to have feelings.
C: Yes you do. I do.
A: Oh C****, the more I know you, the more I think Dexter.
O: No no no no no we've had this conversation. C*** is way more of a psychopath than Dexter.
U: He shared the same sentiment as you against Valentine's day.
MW: You're against Valentine's day?
C: I just think it's silly.
MW: It's about chocolate. How could that be bad?
A: It's like child porn. For necrophiliacs.
C: That's creepy.
A: It is. It's fondling the car.
C: The rain is groping the car!!
C: That is the geekiest way of summoning a vortex ever. High fives.
A: And really flailing stupid high fives.
O: Can you imagine a hobbit with a foot fetish?
C: We all know I'm more likely to turn to murder than to suicide.
CC: I was a bad student. "What rhymes with duck?" "Fuck!" "CC, that's a bad word." "But it rhymes..."
CC: He was like "what's your sexual fantasy?" and I said "to cuddle afterwards..."
O: A*** this cake feels like you.
A: It does.
O: Super moist.
A: I'm glad there's context for this, because that...
C: I'm tempted to squirt you.
A: Oh that's - you know how I told you I have a bad association with the word squirt?
C: Yeah.
A: Well, we're saying it all the time now and it's bad.
C: Moist.
A: Oh god, moist...I feel all warm and moist now.
C: Because you got squirted.
A: I tend to hug things that are square and hard. Square and hard...I have a fetish for inanimate objects that are hard and cold and calculating.
O: I'm surprised my parents didn't send me to a psychologist earlier. I had these displays in my closet of barbies and my little ponies in compromising positions.
A: Yeah, I mean couldn't she just run off with the Cheshire cat?
A: One of the best things about dressing gowns is how you can feel like Napoleon in them. I mean, don't you feel more powerful with your hand tucked in your robe? I do. More napoleonic.
D: I was just thinking the Huggies thief has struck again! At least she didn't go for the Pampers.
J: Speaking of weird...
C: KITTY!!!!!!!!!!
C: I like imagining that people in shows are gay and imagining what happens.
J: Jack Bauer. It would be the angriest gay sex ever.
D: Horatio Caine. I'm almost there...yeeeeaaaahhh.
A: Oh god, with the sunglasses...Was it...good for you?
J: Before we do this, I'm going to need...protection.
J: Oh god, my hubris!
CC: I heard uterus. I was like, "honey, you don't have one..."
D: It looks like...I'm not even going to say it...It looks like a rapist beard.
J: It does. It looks like it smells of roofies and chloroform.
C: And semen.
A: And tears. Semen and tears.
D: Wait, was that Bob Cole? He just said "and they're still feeling each other up."
C: That was bad timing.
A: What did you take a picture of?
J: You'll never know!!! Oh, my thumb apparently.
A: Dildos! Dildos!!
D: DILDOS!
J: That is the best war cry ever.
D: Ribbed for her pleasure - and also hers.
J: Oh god, she's writing this down.
A: Ok, officially lesbian pirates are a bad thing.
C: Like we could have giant insects go around and suck people try until they turn into a husk.
J: I would be terrified of you if you were a supervillain. In fact, I'm not convinced you're not.
C: Thanks :)
J: That's why.
J: That looked so wrong! Winchester's lying on top of him right now and they're not moving and he's like "This is awkward. I have a boner right now."
CC: Do you really?
J: No!!
D: That's what I want to be when I grow up.
J: Gay?
C: Why wait?
D: the rainbow is that way!! No, I mean thrown to the floor really quickly. But mostly not by guys.
J: The connection was a bit tortured, I admit. Well, maybe a little waterboarded.
Friday, January 15, 2010
‘Come to an S&M introductory meeting...’
O: ...And give you tiny little doll books. That reminds me of spores!
CW: Your books remind you of spores?
O: No, voodoo dolls! Spore man called them his little babies and he gave them warm baths and they had sex all day...they had a better life than he did.
C: Every time I see my shadow and I feel happy because I have a hat.
H: Yeah, me too.
O: That makes me so happy! That’s such a sweet, pure thought!
O:...And then I noticed her msn name had very dirty things in it so I asked her about it and she said ‘are you doing anything tonight?’ & I said ‘nothing much’ and she said ‘Come to an S&M introductory meeting...’
H: You know what I want to do? One of my great ambitions in life, other than learning to play Thunder Road on the piano, and climbing the Alps from Austria to Switzerland...totally at the same time!!!
O: Carrying a violin.
H: No.
O: Oh, shot down!
H: ... is to flip my hat, can’t do it with this one, so it lands...on my head!
O: But it’s like a librarian shortage.
C: But there would have been. Everyone was supposed to retire but they lost all their savings and now there are all these old people in my jobs.
O: But they’ll die eventually.
C: But I want them to die now....I mean retire.
O: Oh my god, I can’t believe there’s an entire industry devoted to penis enlargement. Doesn’t that disturb you?
O: That always bothered me – that I have to wipe, and boys don’t!
J: So, you know how he marries this prepubescent girl...
CW: Yeah.
J: That’s creepy.
CW: Yeah...can we talk about kittens now?
J: Kittens are so arousing when they are prepubescent...
CW: You are so so mean...
MW: You guys, gay is the new black!
O: What does that even mean?
MW: I dunno; if I had to kiss a girl, I’d rather kiss a girl I don’t know than one of my friends.
J: So between the waiter and O, you’d rather kiss the waiter?
MW: Yeah.
J: That’s fair. I’d rather kiss the waiter.
O: I’d rather kiss the waiter too.
O: Oh yeah, but it’s a really nice porn store. I mean, I’d take my parents there if it weren’t for the wall of dildos...but they had these flaccid penises and I couldn’t figure out what they were for, so I was...well, you know how you start squishing things?
O: Did I tell you my uncle’s idea? He bought a vibrator and had it in his pants & he’d go up to strangers and touch them gently and then turn it on...
CW: That’s how I figured out Dr. Who was an F. All of his enemies are all metal, can’t have touch, cutting out emotion....I’m like, you know, the Cybermen had a point.
O: And it’s perfect. I like to express my affection through homework. And it actually works in this context.
O: You can hire people to beat people up, like big thugs, so you can probably hire them to search for your bear hat.
O: I was actually thinking about this the other day. I would be a really good mafia leader. It would be the perfect job for me.
O: And talking about your feelings, it just seems so...not something you get marks for on a lab.
O: Dissecting is more fun in the company of others.
MW: If I were a man, would I go for O****?
J: I’m asking you.
O: What kind of man would you be?
MW: I dunno. A very manly man.
CC: You’d be very proud of barbecuing.
O: Oh, it comes with a spoon. That makes it much easier.
MW: You’ve been trying to eat your soup with a fork?
O: yes....
O: Tomayto, tomahto.
CW: Oh yeah, snorting cocaine and flowers; it’s basically the same thing.
O: Actually, isn’t it?
U: So she switched to mouthwash.
MP: Because she got an orgasm every time she brushed her teeth.
CW: Lucky bitch.
CW: She taught me everything I know about the Backstreet Boys.
T: How much is that?
CW: Not much. I don’t listen very hard.
TV: How’s E-R doing?
CW: She’s good. Apparently she’s about to start sticking needles in people. They were using models and things.
T: ...What is she doing?
CW: Nursing.
CW: I cannot picture you submissive. The only way I could see you letting someone get away with anything is if you were secretly plotting their demise and they were playing into your plan.
O: My mental image of you has a whip.
O: I’ve just realised something. You whip people, and you kick people in the shins. I’ve characterised your violence.
T: With their permission.
O: Not in this case.
T: Safe, sane, and consensual. I believe in safe, sane, and consensual in all cases.
CW: I believe in kicking people in the shins.
CW: So you were tied up in a BDSM convention?
O: Yes.
CW: And then what?
O And then I got down and went along in my merry way...And then I saw my aunt. And then I said hello. And then we never spoke again, except once at a family gathering. That was when she told me she was renovating her bathroom to look like a dungeon. And I said that was nice. And I ate smoked salmon...
T: But then they’d hate me and resent me and I don’t need that!
CW: No they wouldn’t. You’d give them Stockholm Syndrome.
T: They’ve already accused me of doing that to the manager of power sales at work!
CC: Don’t you want to just pinch his cheeks?
CW: I don’t think he’d like that.
CC: Depends which cheeks.
T: I’ve realised that I am a linguistics bore. When I was watching Avatar, I noticed it has a case system.
CW: You scare me.
O: I’ve read books about people like you.
O: How do you know you don’t have a leather fetish if you’ve never tried it in that setting?
T: Because I know what fetish I have, and it’s not that!
O: My cousin is an INFP and so cute. They’re like little kitten people.
CW: They’re adorable. They make me want to poke them and watch them squeal.
O: You are evil. You make me feel pure.
H: Yeah, she’s good for that.
C: The thing I hate about those vampires is that it’s a romance. They’re dead. They have no blood circulation. They cannot have a physical relationship without nitric oxide. I like Dracula because he kills people.
H: The thing my friend brought up – what happens when Bella has her period?
T: Just don’t tell the undertaker you have a tattoo.
C: I don’t think she’ll be telling the undertaker anything.
T: If you’re talking to the undertaker, there’s a problem....I have an idea for a paranormal romance. A female undertaker...
T: If you have a tattoo anywhere near your stomach, then it will get permanently distorted if you ever get pregnant.
O: I’d rather have a tattoo than a baby.
O: What do you think I should get a tattoo of?
H: A Tardis.
T: A tortoise?
H: A Tardis.
O: I’m bigger on the inside than on the outside!
T: The only way you get inside me is if you’re as sexy as the Doctor!
O: They’d be like, do you have a fetish? And I’d be like, yeah, and that’s the only way you’re getting laid. I’m a broken Tardis!
H: Did you bring your sonic screwdriver?
O: I’d be a broken Tardis and the Doctor would have to fix me before the Daleks came. And they’d scream HARDER! HARDER!
T: And deleting this profile fixes things how?
C: It doesn’t. She’s an F.
O: Fuck you....
T: Well, I took up guitar when I was unhealthily obsessed with someone. I was unhealthily obsessed with guitar for a while but...
C: I find a lot of literary ENTPs make me want to punch them.
T: So what stops you from punching me? Other than that I’ll punch back.
C: I was just going to say that...
C: I’m more like Steerpike; let’s be honest.
O: We could totally work out together. If she wasn’t a murdering psychopath....no, it’s comforting. I was all like ‘why doesn’t he appreciate Fuschia?’ and she said ‘Because he’s a murdering psychopath’ and I felt much better.
C: Aw, fuzzy Hallmark moment.
O: You don’t get fuzzies. Say something believable.
CW: Your books remind you of spores?
O: No, voodoo dolls! Spore man called them his little babies and he gave them warm baths and they had sex all day...they had a better life than he did.
C: Every time I see my shadow and I feel happy because I have a hat.
H: Yeah, me too.
O: That makes me so happy! That’s such a sweet, pure thought!
O:...And then I noticed her msn name had very dirty things in it so I asked her about it and she said ‘are you doing anything tonight?’ & I said ‘nothing much’ and she said ‘Come to an S&M introductory meeting...’
H: You know what I want to do? One of my great ambitions in life, other than learning to play Thunder Road on the piano, and climbing the Alps from Austria to Switzerland...totally at the same time!!!
O: Carrying a violin.
H: No.
O: Oh, shot down!
H: ... is to flip my hat, can’t do it with this one, so it lands...on my head!
O: But it’s like a librarian shortage.
C: But there would have been. Everyone was supposed to retire but they lost all their savings and now there are all these old people in my jobs.
O: But they’ll die eventually.
C: But I want them to die now....I mean retire.
O: Oh my god, I can’t believe there’s an entire industry devoted to penis enlargement. Doesn’t that disturb you?
O: That always bothered me – that I have to wipe, and boys don’t!
J: So, you know how he marries this prepubescent girl...
CW: Yeah.
J: That’s creepy.
CW: Yeah...can we talk about kittens now?
J: Kittens are so arousing when they are prepubescent...
CW: You are so so mean...
MW: You guys, gay is the new black!
O: What does that even mean?
MW: I dunno; if I had to kiss a girl, I’d rather kiss a girl I don’t know than one of my friends.
J: So between the waiter and O, you’d rather kiss the waiter?
MW: Yeah.
J: That’s fair. I’d rather kiss the waiter.
O: I’d rather kiss the waiter too.
O: Oh yeah, but it’s a really nice porn store. I mean, I’d take my parents there if it weren’t for the wall of dildos...but they had these flaccid penises and I couldn’t figure out what they were for, so I was...well, you know how you start squishing things?
O: Did I tell you my uncle’s idea? He bought a vibrator and had it in his pants & he’d go up to strangers and touch them gently and then turn it on...
CW: That’s how I figured out Dr. Who was an F. All of his enemies are all metal, can’t have touch, cutting out emotion....I’m like, you know, the Cybermen had a point.
O: And it’s perfect. I like to express my affection through homework. And it actually works in this context.
O: You can hire people to beat people up, like big thugs, so you can probably hire them to search for your bear hat.
O: I was actually thinking about this the other day. I would be a really good mafia leader. It would be the perfect job for me.
O: And talking about your feelings, it just seems so...not something you get marks for on a lab.
O: Dissecting is more fun in the company of others.
MW: If I were a man, would I go for O****?
J: I’m asking you.
O: What kind of man would you be?
MW: I dunno. A very manly man.
CC: You’d be very proud of barbecuing.
O: Oh, it comes with a spoon. That makes it much easier.
MW: You’ve been trying to eat your soup with a fork?
O: yes....
O: Tomayto, tomahto.
CW: Oh yeah, snorting cocaine and flowers; it’s basically the same thing.
O: Actually, isn’t it?
U: So she switched to mouthwash.
MP: Because she got an orgasm every time she brushed her teeth.
CW: Lucky bitch.
CW: She taught me everything I know about the Backstreet Boys.
T: How much is that?
CW: Not much. I don’t listen very hard.
TV: How’s E-R doing?
CW: She’s good. Apparently she’s about to start sticking needles in people. They were using models and things.
T: ...What is she doing?
CW: Nursing.
CW: I cannot picture you submissive. The only way I could see you letting someone get away with anything is if you were secretly plotting their demise and they were playing into your plan.
O: My mental image of you has a whip.
O: I’ve just realised something. You whip people, and you kick people in the shins. I’ve characterised your violence.
T: With their permission.
O: Not in this case.
T: Safe, sane, and consensual. I believe in safe, sane, and consensual in all cases.
CW: I believe in kicking people in the shins.
CW: So you were tied up in a BDSM convention?
O: Yes.
CW: And then what?
O And then I got down and went along in my merry way...And then I saw my aunt. And then I said hello. And then we never spoke again, except once at a family gathering. That was when she told me she was renovating her bathroom to look like a dungeon. And I said that was nice. And I ate smoked salmon...
T: But then they’d hate me and resent me and I don’t need that!
CW: No they wouldn’t. You’d give them Stockholm Syndrome.
T: They’ve already accused me of doing that to the manager of power sales at work!
CC: Don’t you want to just pinch his cheeks?
CW: I don’t think he’d like that.
CC: Depends which cheeks.
T: I’ve realised that I am a linguistics bore. When I was watching Avatar, I noticed it has a case system.
CW: You scare me.
O: I’ve read books about people like you.
O: How do you know you don’t have a leather fetish if you’ve never tried it in that setting?
T: Because I know what fetish I have, and it’s not that!
O: My cousin is an INFP and so cute. They’re like little kitten people.
CW: They’re adorable. They make me want to poke them and watch them squeal.
O: You are evil. You make me feel pure.
H: Yeah, she’s good for that.
C: The thing I hate about those vampires is that it’s a romance. They’re dead. They have no blood circulation. They cannot have a physical relationship without nitric oxide. I like Dracula because he kills people.
H: The thing my friend brought up – what happens when Bella has her period?
T: Just don’t tell the undertaker you have a tattoo.
C: I don’t think she’ll be telling the undertaker anything.
T: If you’re talking to the undertaker, there’s a problem....I have an idea for a paranormal romance. A female undertaker...
T: If you have a tattoo anywhere near your stomach, then it will get permanently distorted if you ever get pregnant.
O: I’d rather have a tattoo than a baby.
O: What do you think I should get a tattoo of?
H: A Tardis.
T: A tortoise?
H: A Tardis.
O: I’m bigger on the inside than on the outside!
T: The only way you get inside me is if you’re as sexy as the Doctor!
O: They’d be like, do you have a fetish? And I’d be like, yeah, and that’s the only way you’re getting laid. I’m a broken Tardis!
H: Did you bring your sonic screwdriver?
O: I’d be a broken Tardis and the Doctor would have to fix me before the Daleks came. And they’d scream HARDER! HARDER!
T: And deleting this profile fixes things how?
C: It doesn’t. She’s an F.
O: Fuck you....
T: Well, I took up guitar when I was unhealthily obsessed with someone. I was unhealthily obsessed with guitar for a while but...
C: I find a lot of literary ENTPs make me want to punch them.
T: So what stops you from punching me? Other than that I’ll punch back.
C: I was just going to say that...
C: I’m more like Steerpike; let’s be honest.
O: We could totally work out together. If she wasn’t a murdering psychopath....no, it’s comforting. I was all like ‘why doesn’t he appreciate Fuschia?’ and she said ‘Because he’s a murdering psychopath’ and I felt much better.
C: Aw, fuzzy Hallmark moment.
O: You don’t get fuzzies. Say something believable.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
It's like Cirque du Soleil, but naked
MW: You meeting up with a girl in the bathroom?
C: Who says it's a girl? Or even human?
H: A squirrel!
U: Who says there's just one?
U: And I was like 'I know this person who's beautiful both inside and out...
O: "I know someone who'll take off her clothes for you...."
AB: You'll do what now?
O: She's my pimp.
MW: Tip what, your prostitutes?
AB: Yes, I tip my prostitutes.
O: Do you actually tip prostitutes, though?
AB: It's like buying a new car. You can go to a club and find a nice used Buick on the dance floor...
C: I missed some of that. Does anyone remember it verbatim?
O: He said it's better to get a used car every week than a Buick.
AB: I did not! I said used cars were the prostitutes...
O: You are like...a plague upon you.
AB: I am like a plague upon you? Ok. I'm a plague upon you; you just can't get me off. That sounds wrong.
AB: That was dirty. That was really dirty.
C: What'd I miss?
AB: O** explaining that she can't focus on a man and cheese at the same time because her mouth is full.
O: I named my goldfish after I.F. Because he just sat there and did nothing.
AB: he's big, he's tall, he's French. He's like sex on a popsicle.
O: Not a popsicle stick?
C: Eww...splinters.
AB: Do you want me dead?
O: Not particularly. Maybe a little maimed.
AB: Maimed? Wow. Tough crowd.
O: In a nice way.
O *knocks over glass* They put these glasses here on purpose!
C: Yes. So you can drink from them.
O: They are barriers to my range of movement!
O: Like, Chanel says you should remove one piece of jewelery before you leave the room, so I should remove one sentence when I talk.
C: What if you're only wearing one piece of jewelery?
O: Yeah, I never got that. What if you're wearing a one-piece suit? Then you're pretty much screwed.
C: Or popular.
O: Or both.
C: Yeah....
AB: Care to elaborate on that, M*?
MW: I don't know. I don't know what's real anymore.
O: Seriously. If I were flexible, I would...
C: Lick your feet?
O: Maybe...
H: I've bitten my toes before. Just to say that I could.
O: I just like the expression on AB's face, though. He looks like a female anime character. Why?? That was a serious observation.
O: Feelings grow back. They're like hair.
O: Did I ever send you that song, like, 'all I want is your semen to get pregnant'?
CC: Nooooo...
O: See, that's a good quality to have in a boyfriend.
C: He gives you math homework?
O: And they're good math problems, too.
O: If ever I were to commit suicide, she would be my...
CC: What? Oh yeah, good point. CW...
O: I think it would be really funny if a misisonary were to come to your door and you pretended to be a missionary for another religion.
CC: My brother scared off Jehovah's Witnesses once because he opened the door without his shirt on and they got offended.
O: I was studying for my math test and I had a dream I was sailing on the Cartesian plane...I was a pirate. And this was actually a line from my dream: 'integrate past brave new worlds and derive new functions!'
U: We're almost like family. We just saw each other yesterday and we already miss each other.
O: And we'll see each other on Friday.
AB: We may as well date each other.
AB: ...and what am I?
CW: You can be our boy toy.
AB: You're all mistresses and I'm the boy toy. Ok. It sounds like less responsibility. I'll take it.
C: I figured it would suit you. Captain Kittens, the boy toy.
AB: I should change my Facebook name to that.
O: Please do.
O: It cleans your sinuses.
H: I don't know where that came form.
O: No, the hot peppers.
AB: Yeah, my sinuses are now in the napkin, thanks.
O: Farting in the Dead Sea is a bad idea.
AB: Ok.
O: You know what happens when you fart?...o, the air goes out and then it goes in a little again and it burns. It burns.
H: I'm glad I know that.
O: No, she was talking about UltraBalm. The massage...
C: Yes, I see the connection.
O: I want to go to a strip club. I'm told it's like Cirque du Soleil, but naked.
AB: They're not that good, I'm sorry.
O: So everyone wear green and white.
AB: Do I need to take off my shirt so it'll be clean on Friday?
O: Do I need to take off my shirt so it'll be clean?
AB: What, why are you taking your clothes off?
O: Why are you taking yours off?
C: Let's just all get naked!!
AB: The guy at the table behind us is distracted. 'Screw this girl I'm on a date with!'
AB: Did you just tell C* that her jeans would look really good on your floor?
O: Noooooo
C: What did you actually say?
O: I said that, but I was trying to make a pun.
AB: But O*'s like my sister. I could never date a Hooter's girl.
O: Apparently everyone's checking C** out. I think it was your 'let's get naked!' comment.
U: Why don't you put a little basil here? In your hair.
AB: Because it's been in AB's nose.
O: Woah.
AB: What does that have to do with kittens? Kitten - woah! Kitten woah! Cats and ostriches: perfect companions. Everytime I hear that I'm going to think of a kitten riding an ostrich. Why are you glaring at me? Don't you want to see a kitten ride an ostrich?
O: Yes. I do.
AB: A guy on sentry duty we caught sleeping with a coyote. We just left that one. Took a picture though. When he woke up he freaked out. 'There's coyotes out there!'
AB: I don't usually poison people when I want to kill someone. I'm usually more direct. You, me, outside.
H: Don't do the eyebrows; don't!
AB: I wasn't going to do the eyebrows. Geeeez. Anytime I get into a fight I just need to do the eyebrows and they'll back right off.
O: 'Dust, you filthy cretin?'
C: Yes, I write abusive to-do lists.
AB: I just said 'I love you' to MP. Great. Again.
MW: At least it isn't squirrels.
U: H**, this guacamole is delicious. Did you make it?
H: With a potato masher!!!!
U: You should be dancing on an island in a hula skirt.
AB: Why does every woman want to get me in a skirt?
AB: Are you sure?
H: Yeah, I'm ok.
AB: I wasn't talking about the licking.
AB: She had me up against the wall....that's not helping...our legs were flailing...
C: Your legs were flailing. Mine were stable.
AB: Ok...your legs braced against the other wall...
H: I don't like squirrels.
AB: That was very dark. 'I don't like squirrels.' What did they every do you you?
H: It's not what they did to me. It's what they did to C**.
AB: I've never had anyone do that to my ear before.
CC: Is that good or bad?
AB: I don't know.
C: What is she doing?
AB: I don't know...she's like rubbing her thumb around my ear.
C: Why?
CC: It tickles my thumb.
O: Ok, so I say 'I want to have sex with you' and you say...
C: As long as we're dreaming, I'd like a pony.
O: Oh my god. Please say that to a guy someday.
C: I have. I've also said 'What's in it for me?' Again rather mean...
O: Oh my god!!!! O** said that to me and I spent the next two hours explaining why...and it worked! I didn't realise it was a put-down!!!
C: You are amazing....
O: Oh look, I wrote 'Romance' on my stomach. It's a subliminal message, hidden by butterflies...it even works! ... I love how you don't even point out the flaws in my argument, you just take out the book. It speaks for itself.
O: What kind of plant would C be?
H: Venus flytrap.
O: Pitcher plant.
C: Yes!
O: Are there carniverous ferns?
H: Yeah, I was thinking of something leafy as well.
O: See, it's nice when they're nerdy - it just comes pouring out like vomit!
O: H*! Help!
H: She's vicious; I'm not going to help. She'll just hit me back...there. I glared.
O: Damn you and your efficiency!
O: I have to look like a Frenchman. How do French men look? Like mimes.
C: French men look like mimes?
O: Like Dali!
C: Dali wasn't French.
O: But if he dressed up like a mime he would look French..he has the moustache.
C: Who says it's a girl? Or even human?
H: A squirrel!
U: Who says there's just one?
U: And I was like 'I know this person who's beautiful both inside and out...
O: "I know someone who'll take off her clothes for you...."
AB: You'll do what now?
O: She's my pimp.
MW: Tip what, your prostitutes?
AB: Yes, I tip my prostitutes.
O: Do you actually tip prostitutes, though?
AB: It's like buying a new car. You can go to a club and find a nice used Buick on the dance floor...
C: I missed some of that. Does anyone remember it verbatim?
O: He said it's better to get a used car every week than a Buick.
AB: I did not! I said used cars were the prostitutes...
O: You are like...a plague upon you.
AB: I am like a plague upon you? Ok. I'm a plague upon you; you just can't get me off. That sounds wrong.
AB: That was dirty. That was really dirty.
C: What'd I miss?
AB: O** explaining that she can't focus on a man and cheese at the same time because her mouth is full.
O: I named my goldfish after I.F. Because he just sat there and did nothing.
AB: he's big, he's tall, he's French. He's like sex on a popsicle.
O: Not a popsicle stick?
C: Eww...splinters.
AB: Do you want me dead?
O: Not particularly. Maybe a little maimed.
AB: Maimed? Wow. Tough crowd.
O: In a nice way.
O *knocks over glass* They put these glasses here on purpose!
C: Yes. So you can drink from them.
O: They are barriers to my range of movement!
O: Like, Chanel says you should remove one piece of jewelery before you leave the room, so I should remove one sentence when I talk.
C: What if you're only wearing one piece of jewelery?
O: Yeah, I never got that. What if you're wearing a one-piece suit? Then you're pretty much screwed.
C: Or popular.
O: Or both.
C: Yeah....
AB: Care to elaborate on that, M*?
MW: I don't know. I don't know what's real anymore.
O: Seriously. If I were flexible, I would...
C: Lick your feet?
O: Maybe...
H: I've bitten my toes before. Just to say that I could.
O: I just like the expression on AB's face, though. He looks like a female anime character. Why?? That was a serious observation.
O: Feelings grow back. They're like hair.
O: Did I ever send you that song, like, 'all I want is your semen to get pregnant'?
CC: Nooooo...
O: See, that's a good quality to have in a boyfriend.
C: He gives you math homework?
O: And they're good math problems, too.
O: If ever I were to commit suicide, she would be my...
CC: What? Oh yeah, good point. CW...
O: I think it would be really funny if a misisonary were to come to your door and you pretended to be a missionary for another religion.
CC: My brother scared off Jehovah's Witnesses once because he opened the door without his shirt on and they got offended.
O: I was studying for my math test and I had a dream I was sailing on the Cartesian plane...I was a pirate. And this was actually a line from my dream: 'integrate past brave new worlds and derive new functions!'
U: We're almost like family. We just saw each other yesterday and we already miss each other.
O: And we'll see each other on Friday.
AB: We may as well date each other.
AB: ...and what am I?
CW: You can be our boy toy.
AB: You're all mistresses and I'm the boy toy. Ok. It sounds like less responsibility. I'll take it.
C: I figured it would suit you. Captain Kittens, the boy toy.
AB: I should change my Facebook name to that.
O: Please do.
O: It cleans your sinuses.
H: I don't know where that came form.
O: No, the hot peppers.
AB: Yeah, my sinuses are now in the napkin, thanks.
O: Farting in the Dead Sea is a bad idea.
AB: Ok.
O: You know what happens when you fart?...o, the air goes out and then it goes in a little again and it burns. It burns.
H: I'm glad I know that.
O: No, she was talking about UltraBalm. The massage...
C: Yes, I see the connection.
O: I want to go to a strip club. I'm told it's like Cirque du Soleil, but naked.
AB: They're not that good, I'm sorry.
O: So everyone wear green and white.
AB: Do I need to take off my shirt so it'll be clean on Friday?
O: Do I need to take off my shirt so it'll be clean?
AB: What, why are you taking your clothes off?
O: Why are you taking yours off?
C: Let's just all get naked!!
AB: The guy at the table behind us is distracted. 'Screw this girl I'm on a date with!'
AB: Did you just tell C* that her jeans would look really good on your floor?
O: Noooooo
C: What did you actually say?
O: I said that, but I was trying to make a pun.
AB: But O*'s like my sister. I could never date a Hooter's girl.
O: Apparently everyone's checking C** out. I think it was your 'let's get naked!' comment.
U: Why don't you put a little basil here? In your hair.
AB: Because it's been in AB's nose.
O: Woah.
AB: What does that have to do with kittens? Kitten - woah! Kitten woah! Cats and ostriches: perfect companions. Everytime I hear that I'm going to think of a kitten riding an ostrich. Why are you glaring at me? Don't you want to see a kitten ride an ostrich?
O: Yes. I do.
AB: A guy on sentry duty we caught sleeping with a coyote. We just left that one. Took a picture though. When he woke up he freaked out. 'There's coyotes out there!'
AB: I don't usually poison people when I want to kill someone. I'm usually more direct. You, me, outside.
H: Don't do the eyebrows; don't!
AB: I wasn't going to do the eyebrows. Geeeez. Anytime I get into a fight I just need to do the eyebrows and they'll back right off.
O: 'Dust, you filthy cretin?'
C: Yes, I write abusive to-do lists.
AB: I just said 'I love you' to MP. Great. Again.
MW: At least it isn't squirrels.
U: H**, this guacamole is delicious. Did you make it?
H: With a potato masher!!!!
U: You should be dancing on an island in a hula skirt.
AB: Why does every woman want to get me in a skirt?
AB: Are you sure?
H: Yeah, I'm ok.
AB: I wasn't talking about the licking.
AB: She had me up against the wall....that's not helping...our legs were flailing...
C: Your legs were flailing. Mine were stable.
AB: Ok...your legs braced against the other wall...
H: I don't like squirrels.
AB: That was very dark. 'I don't like squirrels.' What did they every do you you?
H: It's not what they did to me. It's what they did to C**.
AB: I've never had anyone do that to my ear before.
CC: Is that good or bad?
AB: I don't know.
C: What is she doing?
AB: I don't know...she's like rubbing her thumb around my ear.
C: Why?
CC: It tickles my thumb.
O: Ok, so I say 'I want to have sex with you' and you say...
C: As long as we're dreaming, I'd like a pony.
O: Oh my god. Please say that to a guy someday.
C: I have. I've also said 'What's in it for me?' Again rather mean...
O: Oh my god!!!! O** said that to me and I spent the next two hours explaining why...and it worked! I didn't realise it was a put-down!!!
C: You are amazing....
O: Oh look, I wrote 'Romance' on my stomach. It's a subliminal message, hidden by butterflies...it even works! ... I love how you don't even point out the flaws in my argument, you just take out the book. It speaks for itself.
O: What kind of plant would C be?
H: Venus flytrap.
O: Pitcher plant.
C: Yes!
O: Are there carniverous ferns?
H: Yeah, I was thinking of something leafy as well.
O: See, it's nice when they're nerdy - it just comes pouring out like vomit!
O: H*! Help!
H: She's vicious; I'm not going to help. She'll just hit me back...there. I glared.
O: Damn you and your efficiency!
O: I have to look like a Frenchman. How do French men look? Like mimes.
C: French men look like mimes?
O: Like Dali!
C: Dali wasn't French.
O: But if he dressed up like a mime he would look French..he has the moustache.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
What do your boobs say, anyway?
O: You are the tickle monster. It's like my Sesame Street nightmares.
C: You had nightmares from Sesame Street?
O: Yes.
C: Why?
O: Big Bird!
C: What's scary about Bid Bird?
O: Wait, was Big Bird a boy or a girl? Wasn't he like a transvestite? It's a serious question!
C: "Is Big Bird a transvestite?" is a serious question.
O: There's like this fanfic about Barney, except it was really odd..
C: There was a fanfic about Barney??
O: Except it was like a psycho killer and he went around killing people....they impregnated a bunch of kids, like just beginning puberty...
A2: I think you would be a good dog owner. It's a shame to waste your talent on cats.
C: We had a dog once. It was nice, though - I didn't have to pick up poop. Maybe someday.
A1: You wipe your own ass. It's not any worse than that.
O: Pikachu's hot....no, no the woman who does Pikachu's voice is a highly attractive woman.
AB: I'm supposed to grab MW's hair. I think CC's supposed to grab mine.
CC; What?
AB: Did you look down? I'm tightening my belt.
CC: I am ticklish; you just can't do it here.
AB: Thank you C***. That was very forward.
AB: Pants off by the third date, or she's not that into you.
CC: What if they're like me and don't wear pants?
AB: Then you're doing good.
AB: Man, I want a niece or nephew to spoil rotten. I wish my brother would fool around more.
O: Why would you do that? It's so far away now. It's like the Bermuda Triangle.
O: A lot of people think I'm a slob. I'm like, whatever. You're not a textbook or a cup of coffee. What I'm really saying is 'I don't know how to talk to you if you're none of these things.'
AB: Why are you playing with my chest?
CC: Because I don't know where your nipple is. Where the hell are nipples on guys? Oh. There.
AB: Where the hell else would they be?
U: I'd like another slice of watermelon.
MW: You have to make out with me first.
CC: Oooh, can I join?
U: That's a tough call, 'cause I really love watermelon.
O: I'm not able to kill myself successfully in dreams because of C***!
O: I love my professor like I would love a puppy dog. An intelligent one that lectures to me in a puppy dog sort of way.
H: I see. Does he have floppy ears?
PW: How does she deliver without muscle contractions?
C: How do vampires get erections without bloodflow? There are so many questions...
MP: Where's your notebook?
C: O*** says it's nitrous oxide...
PW: There's an antidepressant that gives 20% of its users an orgasm.
MP: Really?
PW: And the other users get nothing.
J: So it's either an orgasm or it's nothing. Damn, sounds like a man.
U: I was so distracted in class. We were talking about circumference and he was like 'look at this Dasani bottle. Look at the curves. It is like the curves of a woman....'
H: Thank you for getting the Soup Song stuck in my head.
C: It was his fault....he said coriander.
E: She's a model. I saw the pictures and I was so turned on. If I were a lesbian woman I would so go after O****.
R: It's like the pilsbury doughboy, but Japanese.
C * poke*
O: Nyah!
AB: That wouldn't be the only party when I ended up wrestling people.
E: Yeah, you're always touching people....you're the touchy-feely
H: I think this conversation is going bad.
AB: I like goats?
SG: There's a goat tied up across the street for afterwards..
E: The whole goats thing is, I dunnno.
AB: Yeah, the horns...
AB: It makes you urinate your bones.
E: Well, that's a way of saying it.
AB: 'Mom, I've just passed a femur.'
AB: Last time I got in the book it was for being gay....you better be careful Uyen, the next time you bring an impressionable young man.
AB: Oh, O*** and the other guys , they're all like 'yeah, those are nice boobs. Oh yeah.' I've even had my nipples pinched. There's a picture of me in front of Sugar Mountain and he's like (sound effects).
SG: But the bigger the boobs, the bigger the sag.
O: What do your boobs say, anyway?
E: That was the first time I learnt that guys have hair down there too. And I said it out loud in class...
MW: Well, the statues don't.
E: Well, no one here is gay.
*AB raises hand*
AB: Don't worry.
MW: He'll take it slow.
AB: And then I'll speed it right up.
SG: That's creepy.
E: Don't do the eyebrows.
E: We are the only animals that do stuff like that. You don't see a lion eating some meat and then you see it squirt blood out of its eyeball.
R: That would be awesome.
C: Couldn't you look at pictures? Then they're less moronic.
AB: Then you don't have to hear them talk.
E: I like my people in action.
E: But all the Hooter's girls are like busty, blonde...
O: That's just in America.
E: So Canada has multicultural Hooter's?
E: Why would they do a Playboy version of Hamlet?
AB: It was better than a lot of the others.
H: Did you notice O***?
C: Yes.
H: I just love the dichotomy of your conversation and O*** singing 'I'm a little teapot' behind.
R: And this talk of vampire penises....
AB: It's like 'can you dance? are you anorexic?'
C: Wash a car for us.
AB: Wash the producer's car.
MP: Wash the car and eat a hot dog.
MP: Family Guy has done a lot to destroy my childhood memories.
(on McCain and Obama)
AB: So why didn't they sleep?
MP: The election campaign.
MW: Oooh, getting juicy.
MP: He has really long fingers and likes touching rust.
E: Who?
MP: Salad Fingers. He travels the world in search of the perfect spoon.
AB: What?
AB: Don't take me seriously.
C: No one ever does; don't worry.
AB: I can get away with what I want, though. I could tell every woman in a room they're the most beautiful.
E: And no one in the world would believe you.
AB: And what weight are you losing?
SG: You lose any more weight and you'll disappear.
E: No, I got some squashy jiggly bits.
AB: But you know what was funny? Before you guys started dating it was British, but then it went down South.
AB: I got half a buttcheek and two women's weight on me. I hope this is a short movie.
AB: I'm just covered in women's legs.
O: Were you molested?
AB: I'm a lesser man than I used to be.
O: Captain Kittens is almost normal.
C: No he isn't.
H: That's an awesome name.
O: The best part is that he likes it.
H: You are so red. Why don't you go balance a ball on your nose.
C: That wasn't a real suggestion.
C: You had nightmares from Sesame Street?
O: Yes.
C: Why?
O: Big Bird!
C: What's scary about Bid Bird?
O: Wait, was Big Bird a boy or a girl? Wasn't he like a transvestite? It's a serious question!
C: "Is Big Bird a transvestite?" is a serious question.
O: There's like this fanfic about Barney, except it was really odd..
C: There was a fanfic about Barney??
O: Except it was like a psycho killer and he went around killing people....they impregnated a bunch of kids, like just beginning puberty...
A2: I think you would be a good dog owner. It's a shame to waste your talent on cats.
C: We had a dog once. It was nice, though - I didn't have to pick up poop. Maybe someday.
A1: You wipe your own ass. It's not any worse than that.
O: Pikachu's hot....no, no the woman who does Pikachu's voice is a highly attractive woman.
AB: I'm supposed to grab MW's hair. I think CC's supposed to grab mine.
CC; What?
AB: Did you look down? I'm tightening my belt.
CC: I am ticklish; you just can't do it here.
AB: Thank you C***. That was very forward.
AB: Pants off by the third date, or she's not that into you.
CC: What if they're like me and don't wear pants?
AB: Then you're doing good.
AB: Man, I want a niece or nephew to spoil rotten. I wish my brother would fool around more.
O: Why would you do that? It's so far away now. It's like the Bermuda Triangle.
O: A lot of people think I'm a slob. I'm like, whatever. You're not a textbook or a cup of coffee. What I'm really saying is 'I don't know how to talk to you if you're none of these things.'
AB: Why are you playing with my chest?
CC: Because I don't know where your nipple is. Where the hell are nipples on guys? Oh. There.
AB: Where the hell else would they be?
U: I'd like another slice of watermelon.
MW: You have to make out with me first.
CC: Oooh, can I join?
U: That's a tough call, 'cause I really love watermelon.
O: I'm not able to kill myself successfully in dreams because of C***!
O: I love my professor like I would love a puppy dog. An intelligent one that lectures to me in a puppy dog sort of way.
H: I see. Does he have floppy ears?
PW: How does she deliver without muscle contractions?
C: How do vampires get erections without bloodflow? There are so many questions...
MP: Where's your notebook?
C: O*** says it's nitrous oxide...
PW: There's an antidepressant that gives 20% of its users an orgasm.
MP: Really?
PW: And the other users get nothing.
J: So it's either an orgasm or it's nothing. Damn, sounds like a man.
U: I was so distracted in class. We were talking about circumference and he was like 'look at this Dasani bottle. Look at the curves. It is like the curves of a woman....'
H: Thank you for getting the Soup Song stuck in my head.
C: It was his fault....he said coriander.
E: She's a model. I saw the pictures and I was so turned on. If I were a lesbian woman I would so go after O****.
R: It's like the pilsbury doughboy, but Japanese.
C * poke*
O: Nyah!
AB: That wouldn't be the only party when I ended up wrestling people.
E: Yeah, you're always touching people....you're the touchy-feely
H: I think this conversation is going bad.
AB: I like goats?
SG: There's a goat tied up across the street for afterwards..
E: The whole goats thing is, I dunnno.
AB: Yeah, the horns...
AB: It makes you urinate your bones.
E: Well, that's a way of saying it.
AB: 'Mom, I've just passed a femur.'
AB: Last time I got in the book it was for being gay....you better be careful Uyen, the next time you bring an impressionable young man.
AB: Oh, O*** and the other guys , they're all like 'yeah, those are nice boobs. Oh yeah.' I've even had my nipples pinched. There's a picture of me in front of Sugar Mountain and he's like (sound effects).
SG: But the bigger the boobs, the bigger the sag.
O: What do your boobs say, anyway?
E: That was the first time I learnt that guys have hair down there too. And I said it out loud in class...
MW: Well, the statues don't.
E: Well, no one here is gay.
*AB raises hand*
AB: Don't worry.
MW: He'll take it slow.
AB: And then I'll speed it right up.
SG: That's creepy.
E: Don't do the eyebrows.
E: We are the only animals that do stuff like that. You don't see a lion eating some meat and then you see it squirt blood out of its eyeball.
R: That would be awesome.
C: Couldn't you look at pictures? Then they're less moronic.
AB: Then you don't have to hear them talk.
E: I like my people in action.
E: But all the Hooter's girls are like busty, blonde...
O: That's just in America.
E: So Canada has multicultural Hooter's?
E: Why would they do a Playboy version of Hamlet?
AB: It was better than a lot of the others.
H: Did you notice O***?
C: Yes.
H: I just love the dichotomy of your conversation and O*** singing 'I'm a little teapot' behind.
R: And this talk of vampire penises....
AB: It's like 'can you dance? are you anorexic?'
C: Wash a car for us.
AB: Wash the producer's car.
MP: Wash the car and eat a hot dog.
MP: Family Guy has done a lot to destroy my childhood memories.
(on McCain and Obama)
AB: So why didn't they sleep?
MP: The election campaign.
MW: Oooh, getting juicy.
MP: He has really long fingers and likes touching rust.
E: Who?
MP: Salad Fingers. He travels the world in search of the perfect spoon.
AB: What?
AB: Don't take me seriously.
C: No one ever does; don't worry.
AB: I can get away with what I want, though. I could tell every woman in a room they're the most beautiful.
E: And no one in the world would believe you.
AB: And what weight are you losing?
SG: You lose any more weight and you'll disappear.
E: No, I got some squashy jiggly bits.
AB: But you know what was funny? Before you guys started dating it was British, but then it went down South.
AB: I got half a buttcheek and two women's weight on me. I hope this is a short movie.
AB: I'm just covered in women's legs.
O: Were you molested?
AB: I'm a lesser man than I used to be.
O: Captain Kittens is almost normal.
C: No he isn't.
H: That's an awesome name.
O: The best part is that he likes it.
H: You are so red. Why don't you go balance a ball on your nose.
C: That wasn't a real suggestion.
I could have slit my wrists. Instead I laughed.
P1: I have a picture of a British soldier being shot in the face and a picture of an Acadian teenager being shot in the face. I also have a picture of the giant lobster.
A1: What's with all the skirts, W***?
C: It's so hot out.
A1: But we've discussed how your medication makes you act like you're pregnant, right?
A1: I'm just one of those people whose husband keeps a sharp eye on her cash. So I need to fund my addictions in subversive ways.
A1: We're discussing the woman who asked if I was pregnant.
D1: You never ask a woman that. Unless she's like... *gestures*
A1: With some women, it's either a baby or a tumour. Sorry W***.
D1: No offense, C****.
A1: ...so it's like sucking your own soul.
S7: I don't have a soul left to suck. I ate it.
A1: "What's for lunch? My soul."
Q: But that's like hurting people's eyes.
A1: I hate her eyes, don't you?
Q: I don't look at them....
M1: There's different parts to the diagram, so having a bunch of sections to fill it out is fine.
A1: It's like curlers. For your hair. I need more caffeine.
M1: Are you sure it's more? Not less?
A1: More. Always more.
A7: I wonder how much it would have cost to stuff my hamster.
A1: Did you want a hamster here?
S7: I'd like one, but, thing is, when they die, they're really hard to get rid of....I didn't tell you I shipped my hamster back home? I thought I told everyone about that. It was going to cost me $60 to cremate him so I shipped him back to Kansas.
A1: Sometimes I imagine there's a special fairy. And she comes and puts her hand over my mouth...I tell my husband about it and he says maybe the Tact Fairy is in the bar getting liquored up.
A1: I hear the CIA likes triangles or squares. Circles don't work - they party too much.
C: ...but that means I'm obsessed with sex and partying. That doesn't work.
A1: You just haven't hit your stride yet. We'll talk when you're thirty and you'll be a total nympho.
S1: Is that a rape whistle around your neck?
A1: It's a USB key...boring.
C: It's library school.
A1: Librarians get raped too.
A1: I get to write about my leadership abilities. Because I'm such a leader. I'm a leader of distraction. 'C***, let's not work; lets go get lattes.'
C: I'd follow you anywhere.
A1: Anywhere there's caffeine.
S71: "My friends are like lemmings. They'd follow me off a cliff."
A1: And they love it when you call them that.
S7: I'd like it if you called me a lemming.
A1: S***, you're a lemming.
S7: You're going to tell me to jump off a cliff?
A1: You dirty little lemming....we're not going to eat our babies today; we're going to jump off a cliff!
S7: Come on, I've shared my Kansas expressions you must have some good ones from West Virginia.
A1: Sure: 'Daddy don't touch me like that.'
S7: I think my Kansas ones are better.
A1: I'm a great slug...
S1: It's like we've all just breathed in gasoline or something. I don't think we'll be able to get through class without saying something inappropriate.
A1: See, what you do is lean over and then go 'I'm a giant slug. rawr.'
S1: So you turn into a dinosaur at the end?
A1: Yeah...
C: But they die sooner.
A1: And then you have a giant party. My mother and I have it all planned out. We're going to garden. And compost.
S1: And you're going to go 'I'm a giant slug!'
(on peeing on cars)
S1: Unless the car alarm went off and they came out and found you with your pants around your ankles.
A1: I was pretty cute then; it's not a problem.
S1: Aw, you're still really cute. But I don't want to see it.
A1: Some guys are into that.
S1: I don't mind her writing stuff down unless it's like, fecal fetishes...actually, no, I don't mind.
S1: Cause if you want a tight ass and legs, you can do this.
C: Or not?
S1: That's because you already have a tight ass.
C: I didn't know you noticed...
S1: Ok, there's probably one online, but, like a real one....like the Pirates of the Caribbean one....yeah, like the highest-budget porn movie of all time. Look it up - you can see the trailers on youtube, W***'s seen it and I asked about the plot in class last week. Apparently there's lots of plundering and 'Arrr.'
S7: Do you think they changed their names too? Like, Johnny Depp was 'Johnny Deeper'?
S1: That's so good. I might wet my pants. I was going to say something worse but I'm going to stop talking now. Replace wet with jizz.
P1: This is the kind of thing you were talking about? I'm so sorry I missed that.
M1: Say it like you mean it.
P1: I don't think I can.
P1: This is the happiest I've seen C*** without having someone say the word 'kitten.'
C: I'm on drugs.
P1: I can tell.
S1: She's got a rape whistle.
C: It's a USB key.
P1: Same thing. It tells any guy she's a geek. Same effect. It's like, who needs a rape whistle when you've got a Chewbacca t-shirt?
S1: Actually, no, never mind. She has a whistle for a reason.
S1: How will we have dirty humour without you?
P1: You guys had dirty humour before class without me. That's not all I'm good for, you know.
A1: That's all we like you for.
P1: Thanks.
S1: You made us laugh in library school - that's essential.
P1: So what you're saying is: I saved your lives?
S1: I could have slit my wrists. Instead I laughed.
A1: Ever since I started acting like an idiot instead of saying anything stupid, you haven't been writing things down. It's kind of cool. Because how can you write "A*** acted like a giant slug and fell onto a chair and bumped her ass'?
J1: What are we going to do without our ugly blue sofas?
A1: Sleep on breatheable fabrics. Be careful with our bodily fluids....these are kind of ideal for undergrads, though, because they have sex on anything.
A1: C**, I love you, and you're smart, but if you call me dumb, my therapist is going to say I have to stop seeing you.
_____________________
A1: For like a school project, how would you catalogue "mrow chikka mrow mrow?" Is it like...like, what kind of metadata would that have? Like, human sounds of cats making sounds of humans...
A2: He's messed up. That's why he married me.
D1: So why did you marry him?
A2: I don't know yet.
P1: The secret Acadian stash of gold.
S2: I just can't get past these weird rectangles that zoom on faces. I just don't know about them.
P1: It's not a technology thing. It's a New Brunswick thing. It's a mental problem.
C: Hey, I shoot myself in the foot too.
A1: C***, no one has your inappropriate rape jokes on the internet.. Just stop that thought right there.
O1: I'll bring porno kitty out of the bag. I'll perch on the chair beside her. Mrow. Mroooooow. Mrow.
O: My dancing is one of the most uncomfortable things I could do in public.
C: I imagine urinating would be up there.
O. No. I'm ok with that....dancing is like one, talking to people two. Urinating is like ten or eleven.
A1: You don't want to dance?
O: I'd rather urinate in the corner.
A1: It's like all of my choreography is of the Natural Geographic sort.
O: All natural.
A1: Do you want to see my monkey dance?
K4: Didn't you learn that sex is evil?
P1: We had catechism and never learnt that. We just coloured pictures of Jesus.
A2: Does anyone know where it's at? Mathew 2:21; that's where it's at. Poink.
P1: Who are you?
K4: I'm sorry. We're trying to talk about very important things here.
D1: What very important topics?
K4: Penis shadow puppets....and the best line from the review: "Your penis won't be a useless lump of flesh anymore. You can make shadow puppets with it."
______________
P1: Am I in your database?
C: No.
P1: I'm in J & V's Quebec Gay Archives databases.
P1: He looks like a guy in high school who would beat up other people.
K4: Is it wrong to find that hot?
P1: In New Brunswick, I don't need friends. I have, like, four.
P1: Then you have the caveman, Dmitri.
Q: Oh, I like Dmitri.
P1: Yes, but he has a sloping forehead. And then there's the football douche guys.
P1: Statistically speaking, there must be.
Q: K**? Are you a carpet muncher?
K4: What?
P1: Est-ce que tu mange le tapis?
K4: So long as I'm not a gay person having an abortion wearing a condom, it's ok.
Q: Gay people don't generally have abortions.
C: April's the last snowstorm.
S7: That's just fucked up.
M1: It's not high volume, though. Winds...
Q: It's like Narnia. Always winter and never Christmas.
C: There's bug sex everywhere.
Q: In April.
C: They had sex in my nostrils. When I was walking over here. I feel so used.
S8: At least someone's getting some action around here.
S7: It's true.
W: It is.
S8: This is the last time I'm going to spend in my entire life drinking and talking with people about Shakespeare. I just want to absorb this.
Q: We were talking about Birmingham booty calls earlier...
S8: If I saw someone who looked like him on the street, I would be like "Ok, I have fifteen seconds to bear your children."
Q: ....lubrication.
S8: I wasn't going to say it, but yeah.
C: There are clean forms of lubrication.
S8: And there's dirty slimy sexy forms of lubrication.
C: Hygiene.
J1: Sorry. C*** and I have our own private conversations sometimes.
P1: C*** has her own private conversations sometimes.
J1: Am I funny enough to make it in yet?
A2: I mean once you get divorced you married P****.
P1: I don't know what that means.
K4: It means your pool of candidates has narrowed....
P1: You've been dating two years now. Have you even held hands yet?
K4: No.
W: I kissed her last week, though.
P1: I haven't heard this story....this is what happens in a program with too few guys.
C: I can just imagine going to a helium bar for a date.
S8: That would be an awesome first date.
P1: That guy better not try any moves, because it's going to sound a lot stupider. Like Alvin and the Chipmunks,
S8: How are you? The better now you got here.'
C: I still want a hula hoop....
A1: Oh, you can say something bad about anyone.
P1: I can't say anything bad about you (J3). C***, yes. She's like really nice 90% of the time and really, really horrible the rest.
J3: You could start making up horrible things about people.
P1: In that case, you have sex with dead animals.
J3: No.
P1: I think so.
C: Squirrels.
J3: I don't even want to think about how that would work.
C: They tickle.
J3: How do you know?
C: I have antipsychotic pills that made me lose weight. If you want.
A1: But will they stop the psychosis? Because I hear voices telling me I'm pregnant.
A1: So here's how you fake enthusiasm: Act like you're on crack...
C: I've never been on crack.
A1: Me neither. You act like you're on crack and repeat keywords. Like 'yeah, archives, yeah...'
M1: He brings it to school? (Audrey)
K4: Didn't he put it under his sweater and try to birth it at some point?
A2: I don't know.
K4: You weren't there.
A2: I wouldn't put it past him.
K4: At least you didn't have to hold his hand and help him push.
A2: I'd have to slap him.
P1: Who stinks? K?
K4: You know, I think that the bear is a way for you to project your feelings.
P1: She told me she was trying to spell 'Y' to say 'you're a bitch.' Ow! My nipples! They're sensitive....I'm lactating...
A1: What's with all the skirts, W***?
C: It's so hot out.
A1: But we've discussed how your medication makes you act like you're pregnant, right?
A1: I'm just one of those people whose husband keeps a sharp eye on her cash. So I need to fund my addictions in subversive ways.
A1: We're discussing the woman who asked if I was pregnant.
D1: You never ask a woman that. Unless she's like... *gestures*
A1: With some women, it's either a baby or a tumour. Sorry W***.
D1: No offense, C****.
A1: ...so it's like sucking your own soul.
S7: I don't have a soul left to suck. I ate it.
A1: "What's for lunch? My soul."
Q: But that's like hurting people's eyes.
A1: I hate her eyes, don't you?
Q: I don't look at them....
M1: There's different parts to the diagram, so having a bunch of sections to fill it out is fine.
A1: It's like curlers. For your hair. I need more caffeine.
M1: Are you sure it's more? Not less?
A1: More. Always more.
A7: I wonder how much it would have cost to stuff my hamster.
A1: Did you want a hamster here?
S7: I'd like one, but, thing is, when they die, they're really hard to get rid of....I didn't tell you I shipped my hamster back home? I thought I told everyone about that. It was going to cost me $60 to cremate him so I shipped him back to Kansas.
A1: Sometimes I imagine there's a special fairy. And she comes and puts her hand over my mouth...I tell my husband about it and he says maybe the Tact Fairy is in the bar getting liquored up.
A1: I hear the CIA likes triangles or squares. Circles don't work - they party too much.
C: ...but that means I'm obsessed with sex and partying. That doesn't work.
A1: You just haven't hit your stride yet. We'll talk when you're thirty and you'll be a total nympho.
S1: Is that a rape whistle around your neck?
A1: It's a USB key...boring.
C: It's library school.
A1: Librarians get raped too.
A1: I get to write about my leadership abilities. Because I'm such a leader. I'm a leader of distraction. 'C***, let's not work; lets go get lattes.'
C: I'd follow you anywhere.
A1: Anywhere there's caffeine.
S71: "My friends are like lemmings. They'd follow me off a cliff."
A1: And they love it when you call them that.
S7: I'd like it if you called me a lemming.
A1: S***, you're a lemming.
S7: You're going to tell me to jump off a cliff?
A1: You dirty little lemming....we're not going to eat our babies today; we're going to jump off a cliff!
S7: Come on, I've shared my Kansas expressions you must have some good ones from West Virginia.
A1: Sure: 'Daddy don't touch me like that.'
S7: I think my Kansas ones are better.
A1: I'm a great slug...
S1: It's like we've all just breathed in gasoline or something. I don't think we'll be able to get through class without saying something inappropriate.
A1: See, what you do is lean over and then go 'I'm a giant slug. rawr.'
S1: So you turn into a dinosaur at the end?
A1: Yeah...
C: But they die sooner.
A1: And then you have a giant party. My mother and I have it all planned out. We're going to garden. And compost.
S1: And you're going to go 'I'm a giant slug!'
(on peeing on cars)
S1: Unless the car alarm went off and they came out and found you with your pants around your ankles.
A1: I was pretty cute then; it's not a problem.
S1: Aw, you're still really cute. But I don't want to see it.
A1: Some guys are into that.
S1: I don't mind her writing stuff down unless it's like, fecal fetishes...actually, no, I don't mind.
S1: Cause if you want a tight ass and legs, you can do this.
C: Or not?
S1: That's because you already have a tight ass.
C: I didn't know you noticed...
S1: Ok, there's probably one online, but, like a real one....like the Pirates of the Caribbean one....yeah, like the highest-budget porn movie of all time. Look it up - you can see the trailers on youtube, W***'s seen it and I asked about the plot in class last week. Apparently there's lots of plundering and 'Arrr.'
S7: Do you think they changed their names too? Like, Johnny Depp was 'Johnny Deeper'?
S1: That's so good. I might wet my pants. I was going to say something worse but I'm going to stop talking now. Replace wet with jizz.
P1: This is the kind of thing you were talking about? I'm so sorry I missed that.
M1: Say it like you mean it.
P1: I don't think I can.
P1: This is the happiest I've seen C*** without having someone say the word 'kitten.'
C: I'm on drugs.
P1: I can tell.
S1: She's got a rape whistle.
C: It's a USB key.
P1: Same thing. It tells any guy she's a geek. Same effect. It's like, who needs a rape whistle when you've got a Chewbacca t-shirt?
S1: Actually, no, never mind. She has a whistle for a reason.
S1: How will we have dirty humour without you?
P1: You guys had dirty humour before class without me. That's not all I'm good for, you know.
A1: That's all we like you for.
P1: Thanks.
S1: You made us laugh in library school - that's essential.
P1: So what you're saying is: I saved your lives?
S1: I could have slit my wrists. Instead I laughed.
A1: Ever since I started acting like an idiot instead of saying anything stupid, you haven't been writing things down. It's kind of cool. Because how can you write "A*** acted like a giant slug and fell onto a chair and bumped her ass'?
J1: What are we going to do without our ugly blue sofas?
A1: Sleep on breatheable fabrics. Be careful with our bodily fluids....these are kind of ideal for undergrads, though, because they have sex on anything.
A1: C**, I love you, and you're smart, but if you call me dumb, my therapist is going to say I have to stop seeing you.
_____________________
A1: For like a school project, how would you catalogue "mrow chikka mrow mrow?" Is it like...like, what kind of metadata would that have? Like, human sounds of cats making sounds of humans...
A2: He's messed up. That's why he married me.
D1: So why did you marry him?
A2: I don't know yet.
P1: The secret Acadian stash of gold.
S2: I just can't get past these weird rectangles that zoom on faces. I just don't know about them.
P1: It's not a technology thing. It's a New Brunswick thing. It's a mental problem.
C: Hey, I shoot myself in the foot too.
A1: C***, no one has your inappropriate rape jokes on the internet.. Just stop that thought right there.
O1: I'll bring porno kitty out of the bag. I'll perch on the chair beside her. Mrow. Mroooooow. Mrow.
O: My dancing is one of the most uncomfortable things I could do in public.
C: I imagine urinating would be up there.
O. No. I'm ok with that....dancing is like one, talking to people two. Urinating is like ten or eleven.
A1: You don't want to dance?
O: I'd rather urinate in the corner.
A1: It's like all of my choreography is of the Natural Geographic sort.
O: All natural.
A1: Do you want to see my monkey dance?
K4: Didn't you learn that sex is evil?
P1: We had catechism and never learnt that. We just coloured pictures of Jesus.
A2: Does anyone know where it's at? Mathew 2:21; that's where it's at. Poink.
P1: Who are you?
K4: I'm sorry. We're trying to talk about very important things here.
D1: What very important topics?
K4: Penis shadow puppets....and the best line from the review: "Your penis won't be a useless lump of flesh anymore. You can make shadow puppets with it."
______________
P1: Am I in your database?
C: No.
P1: I'm in J & V's Quebec Gay Archives databases.
P1: He looks like a guy in high school who would beat up other people.
K4: Is it wrong to find that hot?
P1: In New Brunswick, I don't need friends. I have, like, four.
P1: Then you have the caveman, Dmitri.
Q: Oh, I like Dmitri.
P1: Yes, but he has a sloping forehead. And then there's the football douche guys.
P1: Statistically speaking, there must be.
Q: K**? Are you a carpet muncher?
K4: What?
P1: Est-ce que tu mange le tapis?
K4: So long as I'm not a gay person having an abortion wearing a condom, it's ok.
Q: Gay people don't generally have abortions.
C: April's the last snowstorm.
S7: That's just fucked up.
M1: It's not high volume, though. Winds...
Q: It's like Narnia. Always winter and never Christmas.
C: There's bug sex everywhere.
Q: In April.
C: They had sex in my nostrils. When I was walking over here. I feel so used.
S8: At least someone's getting some action around here.
S7: It's true.
W: It is.
S8: This is the last time I'm going to spend in my entire life drinking and talking with people about Shakespeare. I just want to absorb this.
Q: We were talking about Birmingham booty calls earlier...
S8: If I saw someone who looked like him on the street, I would be like "Ok, I have fifteen seconds to bear your children."
Q: ....lubrication.
S8: I wasn't going to say it, but yeah.
C: There are clean forms of lubrication.
S8: And there's dirty slimy sexy forms of lubrication.
C: Hygiene.
J1: Sorry. C*** and I have our own private conversations sometimes.
P1: C*** has her own private conversations sometimes.
J1: Am I funny enough to make it in yet?
A2: I mean once you get divorced you married P****.
P1: I don't know what that means.
K4: It means your pool of candidates has narrowed....
P1: You've been dating two years now. Have you even held hands yet?
K4: No.
W: I kissed her last week, though.
P1: I haven't heard this story....this is what happens in a program with too few guys.
C: I can just imagine going to a helium bar for a date.
S8: That would be an awesome first date.
P1: That guy better not try any moves, because it's going to sound a lot stupider. Like Alvin and the Chipmunks,
S8: How are you? The better now you got here.'
C: I still want a hula hoop....
A1: Oh, you can say something bad about anyone.
P1: I can't say anything bad about you (J3). C***, yes. She's like really nice 90% of the time and really, really horrible the rest.
J3: You could start making up horrible things about people.
P1: In that case, you have sex with dead animals.
J3: No.
P1: I think so.
C: Squirrels.
J3: I don't even want to think about how that would work.
C: They tickle.
J3: How do you know?
C: I have antipsychotic pills that made me lose weight. If you want.
A1: But will they stop the psychosis? Because I hear voices telling me I'm pregnant.
A1: So here's how you fake enthusiasm: Act like you're on crack...
C: I've never been on crack.
A1: Me neither. You act like you're on crack and repeat keywords. Like 'yeah, archives, yeah...'
M1: He brings it to school? (Audrey)
K4: Didn't he put it under his sweater and try to birth it at some point?
A2: I don't know.
K4: You weren't there.
A2: I wouldn't put it past him.
K4: At least you didn't have to hold his hand and help him push.
A2: I'd have to slap him.
P1: Who stinks? K?
K4: You know, I think that the bear is a way for you to project your feelings.
P1: She told me she was trying to spell 'Y' to say 'you're a bitch.' Ow! My nipples! They're sensitive....I'm lactating...
Saturday, March 28, 2009
March 28, 2009: Running through the mountains with a dialysis machine
O: Would you rather be a man or a woman, given the choice?
C: Woman. Out of apathy. I’m used to it. Also, it’s safer to have your genitalia on the inside.
O: My mommy likes to tell me that if she were me she’d go around naked all the time.
C: I thought that was your grandmother.
O: Both. This compliment has been passed on....eventually I’ll be teaching my bear-hatted children to be nudists.
O: I think it’s an Arabic expression or something, but she says “praise your vagina.” She’s been saying that since I was little. What a horrible thing to hear from your grandmother: “praise your darling vagina.”
O: I edited my brother’s essay the other day; he gave me whitening strips for it.
AB: ...Does he have his kidneys?
MP: Yes he does.
S: Good, that’s an important thing in first impressions. This guy has kidneys. I can trust him.
AB: I kind of wonder what it’s like running through the mountains with a dialysis machine.
O: But why would they eat the explosives?
AB: Because C4 looks like marshmallows.
O: I have to calibrate my personality over there because I sound like a cartoon character...and then I come back here and people think I’m trying to kill them.
O: I want to have babies so I can be a better cook....but that’s normal!
O: I though that it was really sad that the orphanage was making them find their own organs.
AB: ...“I have never seen a sphincter so clean and well-kept.” No, wait a minute, what’s that bone called....my one line tonight.
AB:...she’s waiting for me to put my foot in my mouth further.
CC: But what else can you say?
AB: I don’t know; apparently I have a fart pocket and I like sphincters.
AB: See, I’ve got the 45 degree rule. If it’s not in the 45 degrees from my eyes, I don’t see it. Even if I trip over it.
J: I can’t help it that I’m tall....
O: It’s like an entire sadomasochist dungeon and they don’t admit it. It’s like Italians – they’re all gay and they don’t admit it.
AB: She was like “D**, go over there and read this book while I go over there and take her shirt off...”
J: You don’t need the book!
O: ...I thought you were really reading the book!
U: I thought he was reading the book!
AB: I was. It took a lot of concentration...
AB: Very few women come back from Russia with phobias of big burly women with birch branches...
O: Well, she was very strong, so I thought I’d do what she said.
O: Actually, I really like it when you snap my underwear....why are you stopping?
S: So what are we talking about here?
MP: Massage.
S: OH. I was like, ‘you meet someone, you see what their feet feel like, then you work with that’?? Ok. Context.
J: This massage is so good, I can’t even pay attention to the lesbian action going on over there.
C: It must be like a Disney movie in your head sometimes.
O: Sometimes, people burst into song.
C: Yeah. but girls can’t just go like “hey, your bum is round I just had to grab it.”
O: I worked at Hooters!....I worked at a place where girls grabbed each other inappropriately all the time...
C: Woman. Out of apathy. I’m used to it. Also, it’s safer to have your genitalia on the inside.
O: My mommy likes to tell me that if she were me she’d go around naked all the time.
C: I thought that was your grandmother.
O: Both. This compliment has been passed on....eventually I’ll be teaching my bear-hatted children to be nudists.
O: I think it’s an Arabic expression or something, but she says “praise your vagina.” She’s been saying that since I was little. What a horrible thing to hear from your grandmother: “praise your darling vagina.”
O: I edited my brother’s essay the other day; he gave me whitening strips for it.
AB: ...Does he have his kidneys?
MP: Yes he does.
S: Good, that’s an important thing in first impressions. This guy has kidneys. I can trust him.
AB: I kind of wonder what it’s like running through the mountains with a dialysis machine.
O: But why would they eat the explosives?
AB: Because C4 looks like marshmallows.
O: I have to calibrate my personality over there because I sound like a cartoon character...and then I come back here and people think I’m trying to kill them.
O: I want to have babies so I can be a better cook....but that’s normal!
O: I though that it was really sad that the orphanage was making them find their own organs.
AB: ...“I have never seen a sphincter so clean and well-kept.” No, wait a minute, what’s that bone called....my one line tonight.
AB:...she’s waiting for me to put my foot in my mouth further.
CC: But what else can you say?
AB: I don’t know; apparently I have a fart pocket and I like sphincters.
AB: See, I’ve got the 45 degree rule. If it’s not in the 45 degrees from my eyes, I don’t see it. Even if I trip over it.
J: I can’t help it that I’m tall....
O: It’s like an entire sadomasochist dungeon and they don’t admit it. It’s like Italians – they’re all gay and they don’t admit it.
AB: She was like “D**, go over there and read this book while I go over there and take her shirt off...”
J: You don’t need the book!
O: ...I thought you were really reading the book!
U: I thought he was reading the book!
AB: I was. It took a lot of concentration...
AB: Very few women come back from Russia with phobias of big burly women with birch branches...
O: Well, she was very strong, so I thought I’d do what she said.
O: Actually, I really like it when you snap my underwear....why are you stopping?
S: So what are we talking about here?
MP: Massage.
S: OH. I was like, ‘you meet someone, you see what their feet feel like, then you work with that’?? Ok. Context.
J: This massage is so good, I can’t even pay attention to the lesbian action going on over there.
C: It must be like a Disney movie in your head sometimes.
O: Sometimes, people burst into song.
C: Yeah. but girls can’t just go like “hey, your bum is round I just had to grab it.”
O: I worked at Hooters!....I worked at a place where girls grabbed each other inappropriately all the time...
March 28, 2009: The objectification of utensils
C: Stupidity should be painful.
H: Like Pinocchio...everytime he told a lie his nose grew; evertytime you say something stupid, your...ears...grow?
A: Your nose grew...god, George Bush would be like all nose.
A: The guy was like ‘the women...and the door to civilisation’...and we’re all dying...‘and the raging horses’ and what are you on guy? At one point he stopped and looked at us and was like “Should I go on?” & we’re like “yeah, yeah....”
A: And there was this picture of a spoon and this guy tried to interpret it...and we started talking about utensil porn and the objectification of utensils...
A: See, I got nothing out of Merchant of Venice and Romeo & Juliet but hatred. But then we did Macbeth and I realised how disgustingly good Shakespeare is.
S: See, I liked King Lear, but Goneril??
A&C: Gonorrhoea?
S: Yeah...
A: I’ve been abused of this notion a long time ago...
C: Disabused.
S: C***’s correcting your grammar under her breath.
A: You realise I don’t really pay attention to what about I said...wait, that wasn’t good either...
H: I was going to say I wonder if Hansel & Gretel is a statement about how cremation...
C: No, I don’t think the fact that she eats them is a statement against cremation.
A: I’m glad you said what you said, because I was going to say “ashes burn.” Of course I didn’t have to say what I was going to say. Just keep digging myself a hole.
S: And yet she keeps talking...
A: I like my mug.
C: Yes, but did you really have to sing about it?
S: You should see what she does with it in private....I only meant she sings to it. It’s your minds that went there.
H: Or Peter. Maybe I stole your powers. I’m Sylar...
S: You’d have to be Peter because she didn’t take your brain out and play with it.
C: Are you sure? Because that would explain enough.
A: Maybe that’s why my (seets?) are red, the blood’s on them
S: You’d have to be Claire to bounce back form that.
A: Hey I heal from ...I always bounce back from my injuries with pride. People make fun of me and I bounce back.
A: I feel marginalised. I feel discriminated against.
H: You feel othered.
A: I feel othered, yes; I must say that.
A: What was I supposed to do with that?
C: Decorate your face with it.
H: Figuratively.
C: No, literally.
A: No, I thought literally and then I was like how do I do this figuratively and then I said...you see how my interview went...
S: They came up with a slogan: “It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”
C: That’s offensive.
S: Why is that offensive?
C: It offends my sense of...
A: It offends people who don’t have tongues!
S: Yeah, we always have this discussion around exams, that one of us dies and the others get out of exams.
C: I assume you’re the one who dies.
A: No...yeah....maybe...
H: I’ve never had this discussion, so I think it’s me.
A: Yeah, I think it’s me – I’ve taken on for the team a few times.
S: I’m sure I’ve asked you to put me out of my misery a few times.
A: I can tap her to death! Or maybe I can use the pointy end...
A: All the ipod can do is threaten me with threatening songs. Like, I turn it on and it goes “I want to kill you...” & I’m like “I didn’t download this song; what the hell?!”
A: I think I can.
H: You’re like the train: “I think I can I think I can.”
S: You know you can’t, you know you can’t.
C: You wish you could, you wish you could.
A: Maybe in some other universe?
S: Again, you know you can’t.
C: So what are our exciting plans for the evening?
S: God knows.
H: Does he?
S: Yes.
H: So ask him then.
S: He’s screaming.
A: You guys lost me there.
S: H*** said...
A: Oh, God! I thought you said “plants.” With the screaming....
A: And delicious.
S: For a second it sounded like you said something about a horse.
C: Yeah, it sounded like “Undah da hoss.”
S: Yeah, that’s exactly it.
A: Sometime in the German military “undah dah hoss!” like, German military term in the First World War when they still had horses in the military, before they figured out it wouldn’t work with trench warfare and all that...
H: So much thought...
A: Cake away! It could be a cake superhero! He’d be like, “Cake away!”
H: Keep talking. She’ll keep writing.
A: I’m being stubborn now. I’m not talking. Unnaturally silent...and I’m talking...
A: Cake of the future! Now I could really beat? that whole superhero....we can have a staring match.
S: I think C** would win.
A: No, I mean the cake.
S: I think it would win.
A: Yeah, it could. It doesn’t have eyes.
S: That’s what you think.
H: You’re a complete idiot....that was a bit rude
A: Oh, it’s a bit rude now? Like five minutes ago you’re like “fuck off, bitch!” – now’ you’re like “you’re an idiot.”
C: Especially the gooey part.
A: Oooey gooey.
H: That could be a song.
A: For my superhero! Gooey gooey....worst superhero ever. You’re like “gooey gooey” instead of “I’m going to fuck you up, bitch!” and then going, like, “gooey gooey.”
S: Eeeee!
A: Eeeee, yeah, when he flies. And everyone would want to eat you...
S: ...It could use fruitcake as weapons.
A: Yeah, he has like a Santa bag on his back full of fruitcake.
H: Is he missing limbs because people have eaten them?.....does he have a candle on his head?
C: What?
H: Because, he’s a cake, like...
C: Oh. ok.
A: Took a while. Yeah, that’s ok. I accept your input.
A: Aaaaah. AAAAAAH. Like a wounded dinosaur!
S: Like a wounded dinosaur.
A: You know, like growling aaaaaaaHHH.
H: You’re impressively weird this week.
A: I am impressively weird. And I’m not even trying.
H: Whose turn is it?
C: It’s A***’s. But she’s being annoying.
A: Hey, she’s the one who’s proposing to me.
S: This isn’t the Chinese restaurant.
A: Hey, it’s Canada – it could happen.
A: It’s a sign.
C: We’ve called up spirits.
A: It’s a séance. We’re in a Monopoly séance.
C: That is so lame.
A: The spirit of old capitalism...I think that it’d be scary. Adam Smith coming at you....
S: I love how she knows what a dinosaur sounds like.
A: A wounded dinosaur. With the flu, like my prof.
H: On it’s bottom. On its buttocks.
C: The CN tower doesn’t have buttocks.
A: ... and then I was like ‘oh, wait, I’m not a terrible person.’
C: Yes you are. You were corrupted by Monopoly money; how sad is that?
A: I know. I became corrupt and capitalist...
E: It said “you are such a sexy senorita” only he put (sp) because he wasn’t sure how to spell it.
E: We go every Thursday, and they’re so cute. Well, some of them stare at you and wish you were dead.
H: Like Pinocchio...everytime he told a lie his nose grew; evertytime you say something stupid, your...ears...grow?
A: Your nose grew...god, George Bush would be like all nose.
A: The guy was like ‘the women...and the door to civilisation’...and we’re all dying...‘and the raging horses’ and what are you on guy? At one point he stopped and looked at us and was like “Should I go on?” & we’re like “yeah, yeah....”
A: And there was this picture of a spoon and this guy tried to interpret it...and we started talking about utensil porn and the objectification of utensils...
A: See, I got nothing out of Merchant of Venice and Romeo & Juliet but hatred. But then we did Macbeth and I realised how disgustingly good Shakespeare is.
S: See, I liked King Lear, but Goneril??
A&C: Gonorrhoea?
S: Yeah...
A: I’ve been abused of this notion a long time ago...
C: Disabused.
S: C***’s correcting your grammar under her breath.
A: You realise I don’t really pay attention to what about I said...wait, that wasn’t good either...
H: I was going to say I wonder if Hansel & Gretel is a statement about how cremation...
C: No, I don’t think the fact that she eats them is a statement against cremation.
A: I’m glad you said what you said, because I was going to say “ashes burn.” Of course I didn’t have to say what I was going to say. Just keep digging myself a hole.
S: And yet she keeps talking...
A: I like my mug.
C: Yes, but did you really have to sing about it?
S: You should see what she does with it in private....I only meant she sings to it. It’s your minds that went there.
H: Or Peter. Maybe I stole your powers. I’m Sylar...
S: You’d have to be Peter because she didn’t take your brain out and play with it.
C: Are you sure? Because that would explain enough.
A: Maybe that’s why my (seets?) are red, the blood’s on them
S: You’d have to be Claire to bounce back form that.
A: Hey I heal from ...I always bounce back from my injuries with pride. People make fun of me and I bounce back.
A: I feel marginalised. I feel discriminated against.
H: You feel othered.
A: I feel othered, yes; I must say that.
A: What was I supposed to do with that?
C: Decorate your face with it.
H: Figuratively.
C: No, literally.
A: No, I thought literally and then I was like how do I do this figuratively and then I said...you see how my interview went...
S: They came up with a slogan: “It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”
C: That’s offensive.
S: Why is that offensive?
C: It offends my sense of...
A: It offends people who don’t have tongues!
S: Yeah, we always have this discussion around exams, that one of us dies and the others get out of exams.
C: I assume you’re the one who dies.
A: No...yeah....maybe...
H: I’ve never had this discussion, so I think it’s me.
A: Yeah, I think it’s me – I’ve taken on for the team a few times.
S: I’m sure I’ve asked you to put me out of my misery a few times.
A: I can tap her to death! Or maybe I can use the pointy end...
A: All the ipod can do is threaten me with threatening songs. Like, I turn it on and it goes “I want to kill you...” & I’m like “I didn’t download this song; what the hell?!”
A: I think I can.
H: You’re like the train: “I think I can I think I can.”
S: You know you can’t, you know you can’t.
C: You wish you could, you wish you could.
A: Maybe in some other universe?
S: Again, you know you can’t.
C: So what are our exciting plans for the evening?
S: God knows.
H: Does he?
S: Yes.
H: So ask him then.
S: He’s screaming.
A: You guys lost me there.
S: H*** said...
A: Oh, God! I thought you said “plants.” With the screaming....
A: And delicious.
S: For a second it sounded like you said something about a horse.
C: Yeah, it sounded like “Undah da hoss.”
S: Yeah, that’s exactly it.
A: Sometime in the German military “undah dah hoss!” like, German military term in the First World War when they still had horses in the military, before they figured out it wouldn’t work with trench warfare and all that...
H: So much thought...
A: Cake away! It could be a cake superhero! He’d be like, “Cake away!”
H: Keep talking. She’ll keep writing.
A: I’m being stubborn now. I’m not talking. Unnaturally silent...and I’m talking...
A: Cake of the future! Now I could really beat? that whole superhero....we can have a staring match.
S: I think C** would win.
A: No, I mean the cake.
S: I think it would win.
A: Yeah, it could. It doesn’t have eyes.
S: That’s what you think.
H: You’re a complete idiot....that was a bit rude
A: Oh, it’s a bit rude now? Like five minutes ago you’re like “fuck off, bitch!” – now’ you’re like “you’re an idiot.”
C: Especially the gooey part.
A: Oooey gooey.
H: That could be a song.
A: For my superhero! Gooey gooey....worst superhero ever. You’re like “gooey gooey” instead of “I’m going to fuck you up, bitch!” and then going, like, “gooey gooey.”
S: Eeeee!
A: Eeeee, yeah, when he flies. And everyone would want to eat you...
S: ...It could use fruitcake as weapons.
A: Yeah, he has like a Santa bag on his back full of fruitcake.
H: Is he missing limbs because people have eaten them?.....does he have a candle on his head?
C: What?
H: Because, he’s a cake, like...
C: Oh. ok.
A: Took a while. Yeah, that’s ok. I accept your input.
A: Aaaaah. AAAAAAH. Like a wounded dinosaur!
S: Like a wounded dinosaur.
A: You know, like growling aaaaaaaHHH.
H: You’re impressively weird this week.
A: I am impressively weird. And I’m not even trying.
H: Whose turn is it?
C: It’s A***’s. But she’s being annoying.
A: Hey, she’s the one who’s proposing to me.
S: This isn’t the Chinese restaurant.
A: Hey, it’s Canada – it could happen.
A: It’s a sign.
C: We’ve called up spirits.
A: It’s a séance. We’re in a Monopoly séance.
C: That is so lame.
A: The spirit of old capitalism...I think that it’d be scary. Adam Smith coming at you....
S: I love how she knows what a dinosaur sounds like.
A: A wounded dinosaur. With the flu, like my prof.
H: On it’s bottom. On its buttocks.
C: The CN tower doesn’t have buttocks.
A: ... and then I was like ‘oh, wait, I’m not a terrible person.’
C: Yes you are. You were corrupted by Monopoly money; how sad is that?
A: I know. I became corrupt and capitalist...
E: It said “you are such a sexy senorita” only he put (sp) because he wasn’t sure how to spell it.
E: We go every Thursday, and they’re so cute. Well, some of them stare at you and wish you were dead.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)