MW: You meeting up with a girl in the bathroom?
C: Who says it's a girl? Or even human?
H: A squirrel!
U: Who says there's just one?
U: And I was like 'I know this person who's beautiful both inside and out...
O: "I know someone who'll take off her clothes for you...."
AB: You'll do what now?
O: She's my pimp.
MW: Tip what, your prostitutes?
AB: Yes, I tip my prostitutes.
O: Do you actually tip prostitutes, though?
AB: It's like buying a new car. You can go to a club and find a nice used Buick on the dance floor...
C: I missed some of that. Does anyone remember it verbatim?
O: He said it's better to get a used car every week than a Buick.
AB: I did not! I said used cars were the prostitutes...
O: You are like...a plague upon you.
AB: I am like a plague upon you? Ok. I'm a plague upon you; you just can't get me off. That sounds wrong.
AB: That was dirty. That was really dirty.
C: What'd I miss?
AB: O** explaining that she can't focus on a man and cheese at the same time because her mouth is full.
O: I named my goldfish after I.F. Because he just sat there and did nothing.
AB: he's big, he's tall, he's French. He's like sex on a popsicle.
O: Not a popsicle stick?
C: Eww...splinters.
AB: Do you want me dead?
O: Not particularly. Maybe a little maimed.
AB: Maimed? Wow. Tough crowd.
O: In a nice way.
O *knocks over glass* They put these glasses here on purpose!
C: Yes. So you can drink from them.
O: They are barriers to my range of movement!
O: Like, Chanel says you should remove one piece of jewelery before you leave the room, so I should remove one sentence when I talk.
C: What if you're only wearing one piece of jewelery?
O: Yeah, I never got that. What if you're wearing a one-piece suit? Then you're pretty much screwed.
C: Or popular.
O: Or both.
C: Yeah....
AB: Care to elaborate on that, M*?
MW: I don't know. I don't know what's real anymore.
O: Seriously. If I were flexible, I would...
C: Lick your feet?
O: Maybe...
H: I've bitten my toes before. Just to say that I could.
O: I just like the expression on AB's face, though. He looks like a female anime character. Why?? That was a serious observation.
O: Feelings grow back. They're like hair.
O: Did I ever send you that song, like, 'all I want is your semen to get pregnant'?
CC: Nooooo...
O: See, that's a good quality to have in a boyfriend.
C: He gives you math homework?
O: And they're good math problems, too.
O: If ever I were to commit suicide, she would be my...
CC: What? Oh yeah, good point. CW...
O: I think it would be really funny if a misisonary were to come to your door and you pretended to be a missionary for another religion.
CC: My brother scared off Jehovah's Witnesses once because he opened the door without his shirt on and they got offended.
O: I was studying for my math test and I had a dream I was sailing on the Cartesian plane...I was a pirate. And this was actually a line from my dream: 'integrate past brave new worlds and derive new functions!'
U: We're almost like family. We just saw each other yesterday and we already miss each other.
O: And we'll see each other on Friday.
AB: We may as well date each other.
AB: ...and what am I?
CW: You can be our boy toy.
AB: You're all mistresses and I'm the boy toy. Ok. It sounds like less responsibility. I'll take it.
C: I figured it would suit you. Captain Kittens, the boy toy.
AB: I should change my Facebook name to that.
O: Please do.
O: It cleans your sinuses.
H: I don't know where that came form.
O: No, the hot peppers.
AB: Yeah, my sinuses are now in the napkin, thanks.
O: Farting in the Dead Sea is a bad idea.
AB: Ok.
O: You know what happens when you fart?...o, the air goes out and then it goes in a little again and it burns. It burns.
H: I'm glad I know that.
O: No, she was talking about UltraBalm. The massage...
C: Yes, I see the connection.
O: I want to go to a strip club. I'm told it's like Cirque du Soleil, but naked.
AB: They're not that good, I'm sorry.
O: So everyone wear green and white.
AB: Do I need to take off my shirt so it'll be clean on Friday?
O: Do I need to take off my shirt so it'll be clean?
AB: What, why are you taking your clothes off?
O: Why are you taking yours off?
C: Let's just all get naked!!
AB: The guy at the table behind us is distracted. 'Screw this girl I'm on a date with!'
AB: Did you just tell C* that her jeans would look really good on your floor?
O: Noooooo
C: What did you actually say?
O: I said that, but I was trying to make a pun.
AB: But O*'s like my sister. I could never date a Hooter's girl.
O: Apparently everyone's checking C** out. I think it was your 'let's get naked!' comment.
U: Why don't you put a little basil here? In your hair.
AB: Because it's been in AB's nose.
O: Woah.
AB: What does that have to do with kittens? Kitten - woah! Kitten woah! Cats and ostriches: perfect companions. Everytime I hear that I'm going to think of a kitten riding an ostrich. Why are you glaring at me? Don't you want to see a kitten ride an ostrich?
O: Yes. I do.
AB: A guy on sentry duty we caught sleeping with a coyote. We just left that one. Took a picture though. When he woke up he freaked out. 'There's coyotes out there!'
AB: I don't usually poison people when I want to kill someone. I'm usually more direct. You, me, outside.
H: Don't do the eyebrows; don't!
AB: I wasn't going to do the eyebrows. Geeeez. Anytime I get into a fight I just need to do the eyebrows and they'll back right off.
O: 'Dust, you filthy cretin?'
C: Yes, I write abusive to-do lists.
AB: I just said 'I love you' to MP. Great. Again.
MW: At least it isn't squirrels.
U: H**, this guacamole is delicious. Did you make it?
H: With a potato masher!!!!
U: You should be dancing on an island in a hula skirt.
AB: Why does every woman want to get me in a skirt?
AB: Are you sure?
H: Yeah, I'm ok.
AB: I wasn't talking about the licking.
AB: She had me up against the wall....that's not helping...our legs were flailing...
C: Your legs were flailing. Mine were stable.
AB: Ok...your legs braced against the other wall...
H: I don't like squirrels.
AB: That was very dark. 'I don't like squirrels.' What did they every do you you?
H: It's not what they did to me. It's what they did to C**.
AB: I've never had anyone do that to my ear before.
CC: Is that good or bad?
AB: I don't know.
C: What is she doing?
AB: I don't know...she's like rubbing her thumb around my ear.
C: Why?
CC: It tickles my thumb.
O: Ok, so I say 'I want to have sex with you' and you say...
C: As long as we're dreaming, I'd like a pony.
O: Oh my god. Please say that to a guy someday.
C: I have. I've also said 'What's in it for me?' Again rather mean...
O: Oh my god!!!! O** said that to me and I spent the next two hours explaining why...and it worked! I didn't realise it was a put-down!!!
C: You are amazing....
O: Oh look, I wrote 'Romance' on my stomach. It's a subliminal message, hidden by butterflies...it even works! ... I love how you don't even point out the flaws in my argument, you just take out the book. It speaks for itself.
O: What kind of plant would C be?
H: Venus flytrap.
O: Pitcher plant.
C: Yes!
O: Are there carniverous ferns?
H: Yeah, I was thinking of something leafy as well.
O: See, it's nice when they're nerdy - it just comes pouring out like vomit!
O: H*! Help!
H: She's vicious; I'm not going to help. She'll just hit me back...there. I glared.
O: Damn you and your efficiency!
O: I have to look like a Frenchman. How do French men look? Like mimes.
C: French men look like mimes?
O: Like Dali!
C: Dali wasn't French.
O: But if he dressed up like a mime he would look French..he has the moustache.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
What do your boobs say, anyway?
O: You are the tickle monster. It's like my Sesame Street nightmares.
C: You had nightmares from Sesame Street?
O: Yes.
C: Why?
O: Big Bird!
C: What's scary about Bid Bird?
O: Wait, was Big Bird a boy or a girl? Wasn't he like a transvestite? It's a serious question!
C: "Is Big Bird a transvestite?" is a serious question.
O: There's like this fanfic about Barney, except it was really odd..
C: There was a fanfic about Barney??
O: Except it was like a psycho killer and he went around killing people....they impregnated a bunch of kids, like just beginning puberty...
A2: I think you would be a good dog owner. It's a shame to waste your talent on cats.
C: We had a dog once. It was nice, though - I didn't have to pick up poop. Maybe someday.
A1: You wipe your own ass. It's not any worse than that.
O: Pikachu's hot....no, no the woman who does Pikachu's voice is a highly attractive woman.
AB: I'm supposed to grab MW's hair. I think CC's supposed to grab mine.
CC; What?
AB: Did you look down? I'm tightening my belt.
CC: I am ticklish; you just can't do it here.
AB: Thank you C***. That was very forward.
AB: Pants off by the third date, or she's not that into you.
CC: What if they're like me and don't wear pants?
AB: Then you're doing good.
AB: Man, I want a niece or nephew to spoil rotten. I wish my brother would fool around more.
O: Why would you do that? It's so far away now. It's like the Bermuda Triangle.
O: A lot of people think I'm a slob. I'm like, whatever. You're not a textbook or a cup of coffee. What I'm really saying is 'I don't know how to talk to you if you're none of these things.'
AB: Why are you playing with my chest?
CC: Because I don't know where your nipple is. Where the hell are nipples on guys? Oh. There.
AB: Where the hell else would they be?
U: I'd like another slice of watermelon.
MW: You have to make out with me first.
CC: Oooh, can I join?
U: That's a tough call, 'cause I really love watermelon.
O: I'm not able to kill myself successfully in dreams because of C***!
O: I love my professor like I would love a puppy dog. An intelligent one that lectures to me in a puppy dog sort of way.
H: I see. Does he have floppy ears?
PW: How does she deliver without muscle contractions?
C: How do vampires get erections without bloodflow? There are so many questions...
MP: Where's your notebook?
C: O*** says it's nitrous oxide...
PW: There's an antidepressant that gives 20% of its users an orgasm.
MP: Really?
PW: And the other users get nothing.
J: So it's either an orgasm or it's nothing. Damn, sounds like a man.
U: I was so distracted in class. We were talking about circumference and he was like 'look at this Dasani bottle. Look at the curves. It is like the curves of a woman....'
H: Thank you for getting the Soup Song stuck in my head.
C: It was his fault....he said coriander.
E: She's a model. I saw the pictures and I was so turned on. If I were a lesbian woman I would so go after O****.
R: It's like the pilsbury doughboy, but Japanese.
C * poke*
O: Nyah!
AB: That wouldn't be the only party when I ended up wrestling people.
E: Yeah, you're always touching people....you're the touchy-feely
H: I think this conversation is going bad.
AB: I like goats?
SG: There's a goat tied up across the street for afterwards..
E: The whole goats thing is, I dunnno.
AB: Yeah, the horns...
AB: It makes you urinate your bones.
E: Well, that's a way of saying it.
AB: 'Mom, I've just passed a femur.'
AB: Last time I got in the book it was for being gay....you better be careful Uyen, the next time you bring an impressionable young man.
AB: Oh, O*** and the other guys , they're all like 'yeah, those are nice boobs. Oh yeah.' I've even had my nipples pinched. There's a picture of me in front of Sugar Mountain and he's like (sound effects).
SG: But the bigger the boobs, the bigger the sag.
O: What do your boobs say, anyway?
E: That was the first time I learnt that guys have hair down there too. And I said it out loud in class...
MW: Well, the statues don't.
E: Well, no one here is gay.
*AB raises hand*
AB: Don't worry.
MW: He'll take it slow.
AB: And then I'll speed it right up.
SG: That's creepy.
E: Don't do the eyebrows.
E: We are the only animals that do stuff like that. You don't see a lion eating some meat and then you see it squirt blood out of its eyeball.
R: That would be awesome.
C: Couldn't you look at pictures? Then they're less moronic.
AB: Then you don't have to hear them talk.
E: I like my people in action.
E: But all the Hooter's girls are like busty, blonde...
O: That's just in America.
E: So Canada has multicultural Hooter's?
E: Why would they do a Playboy version of Hamlet?
AB: It was better than a lot of the others.
H: Did you notice O***?
C: Yes.
H: I just love the dichotomy of your conversation and O*** singing 'I'm a little teapot' behind.
R: And this talk of vampire penises....
AB: It's like 'can you dance? are you anorexic?'
C: Wash a car for us.
AB: Wash the producer's car.
MP: Wash the car and eat a hot dog.
MP: Family Guy has done a lot to destroy my childhood memories.
(on McCain and Obama)
AB: So why didn't they sleep?
MP: The election campaign.
MW: Oooh, getting juicy.
MP: He has really long fingers and likes touching rust.
E: Who?
MP: Salad Fingers. He travels the world in search of the perfect spoon.
AB: What?
AB: Don't take me seriously.
C: No one ever does; don't worry.
AB: I can get away with what I want, though. I could tell every woman in a room they're the most beautiful.
E: And no one in the world would believe you.
AB: And what weight are you losing?
SG: You lose any more weight and you'll disappear.
E: No, I got some squashy jiggly bits.
AB: But you know what was funny? Before you guys started dating it was British, but then it went down South.
AB: I got half a buttcheek and two women's weight on me. I hope this is a short movie.
AB: I'm just covered in women's legs.
O: Were you molested?
AB: I'm a lesser man than I used to be.
O: Captain Kittens is almost normal.
C: No he isn't.
H: That's an awesome name.
O: The best part is that he likes it.
H: You are so red. Why don't you go balance a ball on your nose.
C: That wasn't a real suggestion.
C: You had nightmares from Sesame Street?
O: Yes.
C: Why?
O: Big Bird!
C: What's scary about Bid Bird?
O: Wait, was Big Bird a boy or a girl? Wasn't he like a transvestite? It's a serious question!
C: "Is Big Bird a transvestite?" is a serious question.
O: There's like this fanfic about Barney, except it was really odd..
C: There was a fanfic about Barney??
O: Except it was like a psycho killer and he went around killing people....they impregnated a bunch of kids, like just beginning puberty...
A2: I think you would be a good dog owner. It's a shame to waste your talent on cats.
C: We had a dog once. It was nice, though - I didn't have to pick up poop. Maybe someday.
A1: You wipe your own ass. It's not any worse than that.
O: Pikachu's hot....no, no the woman who does Pikachu's voice is a highly attractive woman.
AB: I'm supposed to grab MW's hair. I think CC's supposed to grab mine.
CC; What?
AB: Did you look down? I'm tightening my belt.
CC: I am ticklish; you just can't do it here.
AB: Thank you C***. That was very forward.
AB: Pants off by the third date, or she's not that into you.
CC: What if they're like me and don't wear pants?
AB: Then you're doing good.
AB: Man, I want a niece or nephew to spoil rotten. I wish my brother would fool around more.
O: Why would you do that? It's so far away now. It's like the Bermuda Triangle.
O: A lot of people think I'm a slob. I'm like, whatever. You're not a textbook or a cup of coffee. What I'm really saying is 'I don't know how to talk to you if you're none of these things.'
AB: Why are you playing with my chest?
CC: Because I don't know where your nipple is. Where the hell are nipples on guys? Oh. There.
AB: Where the hell else would they be?
U: I'd like another slice of watermelon.
MW: You have to make out with me first.
CC: Oooh, can I join?
U: That's a tough call, 'cause I really love watermelon.
O: I'm not able to kill myself successfully in dreams because of C***!
O: I love my professor like I would love a puppy dog. An intelligent one that lectures to me in a puppy dog sort of way.
H: I see. Does he have floppy ears?
PW: How does she deliver without muscle contractions?
C: How do vampires get erections without bloodflow? There are so many questions...
MP: Where's your notebook?
C: O*** says it's nitrous oxide...
PW: There's an antidepressant that gives 20% of its users an orgasm.
MP: Really?
PW: And the other users get nothing.
J: So it's either an orgasm or it's nothing. Damn, sounds like a man.
U: I was so distracted in class. We were talking about circumference and he was like 'look at this Dasani bottle. Look at the curves. It is like the curves of a woman....'
H: Thank you for getting the Soup Song stuck in my head.
C: It was his fault....he said coriander.
E: She's a model. I saw the pictures and I was so turned on. If I were a lesbian woman I would so go after O****.
R: It's like the pilsbury doughboy, but Japanese.
C * poke*
O: Nyah!
AB: That wouldn't be the only party when I ended up wrestling people.
E: Yeah, you're always touching people....you're the touchy-feely
H: I think this conversation is going bad.
AB: I like goats?
SG: There's a goat tied up across the street for afterwards..
E: The whole goats thing is, I dunnno.
AB: Yeah, the horns...
AB: It makes you urinate your bones.
E: Well, that's a way of saying it.
AB: 'Mom, I've just passed a femur.'
AB: Last time I got in the book it was for being gay....you better be careful Uyen, the next time you bring an impressionable young man.
AB: Oh, O*** and the other guys , they're all like 'yeah, those are nice boobs. Oh yeah.' I've even had my nipples pinched. There's a picture of me in front of Sugar Mountain and he's like (sound effects).
SG: But the bigger the boobs, the bigger the sag.
O: What do your boobs say, anyway?
E: That was the first time I learnt that guys have hair down there too. And I said it out loud in class...
MW: Well, the statues don't.
E: Well, no one here is gay.
*AB raises hand*
AB: Don't worry.
MW: He'll take it slow.
AB: And then I'll speed it right up.
SG: That's creepy.
E: Don't do the eyebrows.
E: We are the only animals that do stuff like that. You don't see a lion eating some meat and then you see it squirt blood out of its eyeball.
R: That would be awesome.
C: Couldn't you look at pictures? Then they're less moronic.
AB: Then you don't have to hear them talk.
E: I like my people in action.
E: But all the Hooter's girls are like busty, blonde...
O: That's just in America.
E: So Canada has multicultural Hooter's?
E: Why would they do a Playboy version of Hamlet?
AB: It was better than a lot of the others.
H: Did you notice O***?
C: Yes.
H: I just love the dichotomy of your conversation and O*** singing 'I'm a little teapot' behind.
R: And this talk of vampire penises....
AB: It's like 'can you dance? are you anorexic?'
C: Wash a car for us.
AB: Wash the producer's car.
MP: Wash the car and eat a hot dog.
MP: Family Guy has done a lot to destroy my childhood memories.
(on McCain and Obama)
AB: So why didn't they sleep?
MP: The election campaign.
MW: Oooh, getting juicy.
MP: He has really long fingers and likes touching rust.
E: Who?
MP: Salad Fingers. He travels the world in search of the perfect spoon.
AB: What?
AB: Don't take me seriously.
C: No one ever does; don't worry.
AB: I can get away with what I want, though. I could tell every woman in a room they're the most beautiful.
E: And no one in the world would believe you.
AB: And what weight are you losing?
SG: You lose any more weight and you'll disappear.
E: No, I got some squashy jiggly bits.
AB: But you know what was funny? Before you guys started dating it was British, but then it went down South.
AB: I got half a buttcheek and two women's weight on me. I hope this is a short movie.
AB: I'm just covered in women's legs.
O: Were you molested?
AB: I'm a lesser man than I used to be.
O: Captain Kittens is almost normal.
C: No he isn't.
H: That's an awesome name.
O: The best part is that he likes it.
H: You are so red. Why don't you go balance a ball on your nose.
C: That wasn't a real suggestion.
I could have slit my wrists. Instead I laughed.
P1: I have a picture of a British soldier being shot in the face and a picture of an Acadian teenager being shot in the face. I also have a picture of the giant lobster.
A1: What's with all the skirts, W***?
C: It's so hot out.
A1: But we've discussed how your medication makes you act like you're pregnant, right?
A1: I'm just one of those people whose husband keeps a sharp eye on her cash. So I need to fund my addictions in subversive ways.
A1: We're discussing the woman who asked if I was pregnant.
D1: You never ask a woman that. Unless she's like... *gestures*
A1: With some women, it's either a baby or a tumour. Sorry W***.
D1: No offense, C****.
A1: ...so it's like sucking your own soul.
S7: I don't have a soul left to suck. I ate it.
A1: "What's for lunch? My soul."
Q: But that's like hurting people's eyes.
A1: I hate her eyes, don't you?
Q: I don't look at them....
M1: There's different parts to the diagram, so having a bunch of sections to fill it out is fine.
A1: It's like curlers. For your hair. I need more caffeine.
M1: Are you sure it's more? Not less?
A1: More. Always more.
A7: I wonder how much it would have cost to stuff my hamster.
A1: Did you want a hamster here?
S7: I'd like one, but, thing is, when they die, they're really hard to get rid of....I didn't tell you I shipped my hamster back home? I thought I told everyone about that. It was going to cost me $60 to cremate him so I shipped him back to Kansas.
A1: Sometimes I imagine there's a special fairy. And she comes and puts her hand over my mouth...I tell my husband about it and he says maybe the Tact Fairy is in the bar getting liquored up.
A1: I hear the CIA likes triangles or squares. Circles don't work - they party too much.
C: ...but that means I'm obsessed with sex and partying. That doesn't work.
A1: You just haven't hit your stride yet. We'll talk when you're thirty and you'll be a total nympho.
S1: Is that a rape whistle around your neck?
A1: It's a USB key...boring.
C: It's library school.
A1: Librarians get raped too.
A1: I get to write about my leadership abilities. Because I'm such a leader. I'm a leader of distraction. 'C***, let's not work; lets go get lattes.'
C: I'd follow you anywhere.
A1: Anywhere there's caffeine.
S71: "My friends are like lemmings. They'd follow me off a cliff."
A1: And they love it when you call them that.
S7: I'd like it if you called me a lemming.
A1: S***, you're a lemming.
S7: You're going to tell me to jump off a cliff?
A1: You dirty little lemming....we're not going to eat our babies today; we're going to jump off a cliff!
S7: Come on, I've shared my Kansas expressions you must have some good ones from West Virginia.
A1: Sure: 'Daddy don't touch me like that.'
S7: I think my Kansas ones are better.
A1: I'm a great slug...
S1: It's like we've all just breathed in gasoline or something. I don't think we'll be able to get through class without saying something inappropriate.
A1: See, what you do is lean over and then go 'I'm a giant slug. rawr.'
S1: So you turn into a dinosaur at the end?
A1: Yeah...
C: But they die sooner.
A1: And then you have a giant party. My mother and I have it all planned out. We're going to garden. And compost.
S1: And you're going to go 'I'm a giant slug!'
(on peeing on cars)
S1: Unless the car alarm went off and they came out and found you with your pants around your ankles.
A1: I was pretty cute then; it's not a problem.
S1: Aw, you're still really cute. But I don't want to see it.
A1: Some guys are into that.
S1: I don't mind her writing stuff down unless it's like, fecal fetishes...actually, no, I don't mind.
S1: Cause if you want a tight ass and legs, you can do this.
C: Or not?
S1: That's because you already have a tight ass.
C: I didn't know you noticed...
S1: Ok, there's probably one online, but, like a real one....like the Pirates of the Caribbean one....yeah, like the highest-budget porn movie of all time. Look it up - you can see the trailers on youtube, W***'s seen it and I asked about the plot in class last week. Apparently there's lots of plundering and 'Arrr.'
S7: Do you think they changed their names too? Like, Johnny Depp was 'Johnny Deeper'?
S1: That's so good. I might wet my pants. I was going to say something worse but I'm going to stop talking now. Replace wet with jizz.
P1: This is the kind of thing you were talking about? I'm so sorry I missed that.
M1: Say it like you mean it.
P1: I don't think I can.
P1: This is the happiest I've seen C*** without having someone say the word 'kitten.'
C: I'm on drugs.
P1: I can tell.
S1: She's got a rape whistle.
C: It's a USB key.
P1: Same thing. It tells any guy she's a geek. Same effect. It's like, who needs a rape whistle when you've got a Chewbacca t-shirt?
S1: Actually, no, never mind. She has a whistle for a reason.
S1: How will we have dirty humour without you?
P1: You guys had dirty humour before class without me. That's not all I'm good for, you know.
A1: That's all we like you for.
P1: Thanks.
S1: You made us laugh in library school - that's essential.
P1: So what you're saying is: I saved your lives?
S1: I could have slit my wrists. Instead I laughed.
A1: Ever since I started acting like an idiot instead of saying anything stupid, you haven't been writing things down. It's kind of cool. Because how can you write "A*** acted like a giant slug and fell onto a chair and bumped her ass'?
J1: What are we going to do without our ugly blue sofas?
A1: Sleep on breatheable fabrics. Be careful with our bodily fluids....these are kind of ideal for undergrads, though, because they have sex on anything.
A1: C**, I love you, and you're smart, but if you call me dumb, my therapist is going to say I have to stop seeing you.
_____________________
A1: For like a school project, how would you catalogue "mrow chikka mrow mrow?" Is it like...like, what kind of metadata would that have? Like, human sounds of cats making sounds of humans...
A2: He's messed up. That's why he married me.
D1: So why did you marry him?
A2: I don't know yet.
P1: The secret Acadian stash of gold.
S2: I just can't get past these weird rectangles that zoom on faces. I just don't know about them.
P1: It's not a technology thing. It's a New Brunswick thing. It's a mental problem.
C: Hey, I shoot myself in the foot too.
A1: C***, no one has your inappropriate rape jokes on the internet.. Just stop that thought right there.
O1: I'll bring porno kitty out of the bag. I'll perch on the chair beside her. Mrow. Mroooooow. Mrow.
O: My dancing is one of the most uncomfortable things I could do in public.
C: I imagine urinating would be up there.
O. No. I'm ok with that....dancing is like one, talking to people two. Urinating is like ten or eleven.
A1: You don't want to dance?
O: I'd rather urinate in the corner.
A1: It's like all of my choreography is of the Natural Geographic sort.
O: All natural.
A1: Do you want to see my monkey dance?
K4: Didn't you learn that sex is evil?
P1: We had catechism and never learnt that. We just coloured pictures of Jesus.
A2: Does anyone know where it's at? Mathew 2:21; that's where it's at. Poink.
P1: Who are you?
K4: I'm sorry. We're trying to talk about very important things here.
D1: What very important topics?
K4: Penis shadow puppets....and the best line from the review: "Your penis won't be a useless lump of flesh anymore. You can make shadow puppets with it."
______________
P1: Am I in your database?
C: No.
P1: I'm in J & V's Quebec Gay Archives databases.
P1: He looks like a guy in high school who would beat up other people.
K4: Is it wrong to find that hot?
P1: In New Brunswick, I don't need friends. I have, like, four.
P1: Then you have the caveman, Dmitri.
Q: Oh, I like Dmitri.
P1: Yes, but he has a sloping forehead. And then there's the football douche guys.
P1: Statistically speaking, there must be.
Q: K**? Are you a carpet muncher?
K4: What?
P1: Est-ce que tu mange le tapis?
K4: So long as I'm not a gay person having an abortion wearing a condom, it's ok.
Q: Gay people don't generally have abortions.
C: April's the last snowstorm.
S7: That's just fucked up.
M1: It's not high volume, though. Winds...
Q: It's like Narnia. Always winter and never Christmas.
C: There's bug sex everywhere.
Q: In April.
C: They had sex in my nostrils. When I was walking over here. I feel so used.
S8: At least someone's getting some action around here.
S7: It's true.
W: It is.
S8: This is the last time I'm going to spend in my entire life drinking and talking with people about Shakespeare. I just want to absorb this.
Q: We were talking about Birmingham booty calls earlier...
S8: If I saw someone who looked like him on the street, I would be like "Ok, I have fifteen seconds to bear your children."
Q: ....lubrication.
S8: I wasn't going to say it, but yeah.
C: There are clean forms of lubrication.
S8: And there's dirty slimy sexy forms of lubrication.
C: Hygiene.
J1: Sorry. C*** and I have our own private conversations sometimes.
P1: C*** has her own private conversations sometimes.
J1: Am I funny enough to make it in yet?
A2: I mean once you get divorced you married P****.
P1: I don't know what that means.
K4: It means your pool of candidates has narrowed....
P1: You've been dating two years now. Have you even held hands yet?
K4: No.
W: I kissed her last week, though.
P1: I haven't heard this story....this is what happens in a program with too few guys.
C: I can just imagine going to a helium bar for a date.
S8: That would be an awesome first date.
P1: That guy better not try any moves, because it's going to sound a lot stupider. Like Alvin and the Chipmunks,
S8: How are you? The better now you got here.'
C: I still want a hula hoop....
A1: Oh, you can say something bad about anyone.
P1: I can't say anything bad about you (J3). C***, yes. She's like really nice 90% of the time and really, really horrible the rest.
J3: You could start making up horrible things about people.
P1: In that case, you have sex with dead animals.
J3: No.
P1: I think so.
C: Squirrels.
J3: I don't even want to think about how that would work.
C: They tickle.
J3: How do you know?
C: I have antipsychotic pills that made me lose weight. If you want.
A1: But will they stop the psychosis? Because I hear voices telling me I'm pregnant.
A1: So here's how you fake enthusiasm: Act like you're on crack...
C: I've never been on crack.
A1: Me neither. You act like you're on crack and repeat keywords. Like 'yeah, archives, yeah...'
M1: He brings it to school? (Audrey)
K4: Didn't he put it under his sweater and try to birth it at some point?
A2: I don't know.
K4: You weren't there.
A2: I wouldn't put it past him.
K4: At least you didn't have to hold his hand and help him push.
A2: I'd have to slap him.
P1: Who stinks? K?
K4: You know, I think that the bear is a way for you to project your feelings.
P1: She told me she was trying to spell 'Y' to say 'you're a bitch.' Ow! My nipples! They're sensitive....I'm lactating...
A1: What's with all the skirts, W***?
C: It's so hot out.
A1: But we've discussed how your medication makes you act like you're pregnant, right?
A1: I'm just one of those people whose husband keeps a sharp eye on her cash. So I need to fund my addictions in subversive ways.
A1: We're discussing the woman who asked if I was pregnant.
D1: You never ask a woman that. Unless she's like... *gestures*
A1: With some women, it's either a baby or a tumour. Sorry W***.
D1: No offense, C****.
A1: ...so it's like sucking your own soul.
S7: I don't have a soul left to suck. I ate it.
A1: "What's for lunch? My soul."
Q: But that's like hurting people's eyes.
A1: I hate her eyes, don't you?
Q: I don't look at them....
M1: There's different parts to the diagram, so having a bunch of sections to fill it out is fine.
A1: It's like curlers. For your hair. I need more caffeine.
M1: Are you sure it's more? Not less?
A1: More. Always more.
A7: I wonder how much it would have cost to stuff my hamster.
A1: Did you want a hamster here?
S7: I'd like one, but, thing is, when they die, they're really hard to get rid of....I didn't tell you I shipped my hamster back home? I thought I told everyone about that. It was going to cost me $60 to cremate him so I shipped him back to Kansas.
A1: Sometimes I imagine there's a special fairy. And she comes and puts her hand over my mouth...I tell my husband about it and he says maybe the Tact Fairy is in the bar getting liquored up.
A1: I hear the CIA likes triangles or squares. Circles don't work - they party too much.
C: ...but that means I'm obsessed with sex and partying. That doesn't work.
A1: You just haven't hit your stride yet. We'll talk when you're thirty and you'll be a total nympho.
S1: Is that a rape whistle around your neck?
A1: It's a USB key...boring.
C: It's library school.
A1: Librarians get raped too.
A1: I get to write about my leadership abilities. Because I'm such a leader. I'm a leader of distraction. 'C***, let's not work; lets go get lattes.'
C: I'd follow you anywhere.
A1: Anywhere there's caffeine.
S71: "My friends are like lemmings. They'd follow me off a cliff."
A1: And they love it when you call them that.
S7: I'd like it if you called me a lemming.
A1: S***, you're a lemming.
S7: You're going to tell me to jump off a cliff?
A1: You dirty little lemming....we're not going to eat our babies today; we're going to jump off a cliff!
S7: Come on, I've shared my Kansas expressions you must have some good ones from West Virginia.
A1: Sure: 'Daddy don't touch me like that.'
S7: I think my Kansas ones are better.
A1: I'm a great slug...
S1: It's like we've all just breathed in gasoline or something. I don't think we'll be able to get through class without saying something inappropriate.
A1: See, what you do is lean over and then go 'I'm a giant slug. rawr.'
S1: So you turn into a dinosaur at the end?
A1: Yeah...
C: But they die sooner.
A1: And then you have a giant party. My mother and I have it all planned out. We're going to garden. And compost.
S1: And you're going to go 'I'm a giant slug!'
(on peeing on cars)
S1: Unless the car alarm went off and they came out and found you with your pants around your ankles.
A1: I was pretty cute then; it's not a problem.
S1: Aw, you're still really cute. But I don't want to see it.
A1: Some guys are into that.
S1: I don't mind her writing stuff down unless it's like, fecal fetishes...actually, no, I don't mind.
S1: Cause if you want a tight ass and legs, you can do this.
C: Or not?
S1: That's because you already have a tight ass.
C: I didn't know you noticed...
S1: Ok, there's probably one online, but, like a real one....like the Pirates of the Caribbean one....yeah, like the highest-budget porn movie of all time. Look it up - you can see the trailers on youtube, W***'s seen it and I asked about the plot in class last week. Apparently there's lots of plundering and 'Arrr.'
S7: Do you think they changed their names too? Like, Johnny Depp was 'Johnny Deeper'?
S1: That's so good. I might wet my pants. I was going to say something worse but I'm going to stop talking now. Replace wet with jizz.
P1: This is the kind of thing you were talking about? I'm so sorry I missed that.
M1: Say it like you mean it.
P1: I don't think I can.
P1: This is the happiest I've seen C*** without having someone say the word 'kitten.'
C: I'm on drugs.
P1: I can tell.
S1: She's got a rape whistle.
C: It's a USB key.
P1: Same thing. It tells any guy she's a geek. Same effect. It's like, who needs a rape whistle when you've got a Chewbacca t-shirt?
S1: Actually, no, never mind. She has a whistle for a reason.
S1: How will we have dirty humour without you?
P1: You guys had dirty humour before class without me. That's not all I'm good for, you know.
A1: That's all we like you for.
P1: Thanks.
S1: You made us laugh in library school - that's essential.
P1: So what you're saying is: I saved your lives?
S1: I could have slit my wrists. Instead I laughed.
A1: Ever since I started acting like an idiot instead of saying anything stupid, you haven't been writing things down. It's kind of cool. Because how can you write "A*** acted like a giant slug and fell onto a chair and bumped her ass'?
J1: What are we going to do without our ugly blue sofas?
A1: Sleep on breatheable fabrics. Be careful with our bodily fluids....these are kind of ideal for undergrads, though, because they have sex on anything.
A1: C**, I love you, and you're smart, but if you call me dumb, my therapist is going to say I have to stop seeing you.
_____________________
A1: For like a school project, how would you catalogue "mrow chikka mrow mrow?" Is it like...like, what kind of metadata would that have? Like, human sounds of cats making sounds of humans...
A2: He's messed up. That's why he married me.
D1: So why did you marry him?
A2: I don't know yet.
P1: The secret Acadian stash of gold.
S2: I just can't get past these weird rectangles that zoom on faces. I just don't know about them.
P1: It's not a technology thing. It's a New Brunswick thing. It's a mental problem.
C: Hey, I shoot myself in the foot too.
A1: C***, no one has your inappropriate rape jokes on the internet.. Just stop that thought right there.
O1: I'll bring porno kitty out of the bag. I'll perch on the chair beside her. Mrow. Mroooooow. Mrow.
O: My dancing is one of the most uncomfortable things I could do in public.
C: I imagine urinating would be up there.
O. No. I'm ok with that....dancing is like one, talking to people two. Urinating is like ten or eleven.
A1: You don't want to dance?
O: I'd rather urinate in the corner.
A1: It's like all of my choreography is of the Natural Geographic sort.
O: All natural.
A1: Do you want to see my monkey dance?
K4: Didn't you learn that sex is evil?
P1: We had catechism and never learnt that. We just coloured pictures of Jesus.
A2: Does anyone know where it's at? Mathew 2:21; that's where it's at. Poink.
P1: Who are you?
K4: I'm sorry. We're trying to talk about very important things here.
D1: What very important topics?
K4: Penis shadow puppets....and the best line from the review: "Your penis won't be a useless lump of flesh anymore. You can make shadow puppets with it."
______________
P1: Am I in your database?
C: No.
P1: I'm in J & V's Quebec Gay Archives databases.
P1: He looks like a guy in high school who would beat up other people.
K4: Is it wrong to find that hot?
P1: In New Brunswick, I don't need friends. I have, like, four.
P1: Then you have the caveman, Dmitri.
Q: Oh, I like Dmitri.
P1: Yes, but he has a sloping forehead. And then there's the football douche guys.
P1: Statistically speaking, there must be.
Q: K**? Are you a carpet muncher?
K4: What?
P1: Est-ce que tu mange le tapis?
K4: So long as I'm not a gay person having an abortion wearing a condom, it's ok.
Q: Gay people don't generally have abortions.
C: April's the last snowstorm.
S7: That's just fucked up.
M1: It's not high volume, though. Winds...
Q: It's like Narnia. Always winter and never Christmas.
C: There's bug sex everywhere.
Q: In April.
C: They had sex in my nostrils. When I was walking over here. I feel so used.
S8: At least someone's getting some action around here.
S7: It's true.
W: It is.
S8: This is the last time I'm going to spend in my entire life drinking and talking with people about Shakespeare. I just want to absorb this.
Q: We were talking about Birmingham booty calls earlier...
S8: If I saw someone who looked like him on the street, I would be like "Ok, I have fifteen seconds to bear your children."
Q: ....lubrication.
S8: I wasn't going to say it, but yeah.
C: There are clean forms of lubrication.
S8: And there's dirty slimy sexy forms of lubrication.
C: Hygiene.
J1: Sorry. C*** and I have our own private conversations sometimes.
P1: C*** has her own private conversations sometimes.
J1: Am I funny enough to make it in yet?
A2: I mean once you get divorced you married P****.
P1: I don't know what that means.
K4: It means your pool of candidates has narrowed....
P1: You've been dating two years now. Have you even held hands yet?
K4: No.
W: I kissed her last week, though.
P1: I haven't heard this story....this is what happens in a program with too few guys.
C: I can just imagine going to a helium bar for a date.
S8: That would be an awesome first date.
P1: That guy better not try any moves, because it's going to sound a lot stupider. Like Alvin and the Chipmunks,
S8: How are you? The better now you got here.'
C: I still want a hula hoop....
A1: Oh, you can say something bad about anyone.
P1: I can't say anything bad about you (J3). C***, yes. She's like really nice 90% of the time and really, really horrible the rest.
J3: You could start making up horrible things about people.
P1: In that case, you have sex with dead animals.
J3: No.
P1: I think so.
C: Squirrels.
J3: I don't even want to think about how that would work.
C: They tickle.
J3: How do you know?
C: I have antipsychotic pills that made me lose weight. If you want.
A1: But will they stop the psychosis? Because I hear voices telling me I'm pregnant.
A1: So here's how you fake enthusiasm: Act like you're on crack...
C: I've never been on crack.
A1: Me neither. You act like you're on crack and repeat keywords. Like 'yeah, archives, yeah...'
M1: He brings it to school? (Audrey)
K4: Didn't he put it under his sweater and try to birth it at some point?
A2: I don't know.
K4: You weren't there.
A2: I wouldn't put it past him.
K4: At least you didn't have to hold his hand and help him push.
A2: I'd have to slap him.
P1: Who stinks? K?
K4: You know, I think that the bear is a way for you to project your feelings.
P1: She told me she was trying to spell 'Y' to say 'you're a bitch.' Ow! My nipples! They're sensitive....I'm lactating...
Saturday, March 28, 2009
March 28, 2009: Running through the mountains with a dialysis machine
O: Would you rather be a man or a woman, given the choice?
C: Woman. Out of apathy. I’m used to it. Also, it’s safer to have your genitalia on the inside.
O: My mommy likes to tell me that if she were me she’d go around naked all the time.
C: I thought that was your grandmother.
O: Both. This compliment has been passed on....eventually I’ll be teaching my bear-hatted children to be nudists.
O: I think it’s an Arabic expression or something, but she says “praise your vagina.” She’s been saying that since I was little. What a horrible thing to hear from your grandmother: “praise your darling vagina.”
O: I edited my brother’s essay the other day; he gave me whitening strips for it.
AB: ...Does he have his kidneys?
MP: Yes he does.
S: Good, that’s an important thing in first impressions. This guy has kidneys. I can trust him.
AB: I kind of wonder what it’s like running through the mountains with a dialysis machine.
O: But why would they eat the explosives?
AB: Because C4 looks like marshmallows.
O: I have to calibrate my personality over there because I sound like a cartoon character...and then I come back here and people think I’m trying to kill them.
O: I want to have babies so I can be a better cook....but that’s normal!
O: I though that it was really sad that the orphanage was making them find their own organs.
AB: ...“I have never seen a sphincter so clean and well-kept.” No, wait a minute, what’s that bone called....my one line tonight.
AB:...she’s waiting for me to put my foot in my mouth further.
CC: But what else can you say?
AB: I don’t know; apparently I have a fart pocket and I like sphincters.
AB: See, I’ve got the 45 degree rule. If it’s not in the 45 degrees from my eyes, I don’t see it. Even if I trip over it.
J: I can’t help it that I’m tall....
O: It’s like an entire sadomasochist dungeon and they don’t admit it. It’s like Italians – they’re all gay and they don’t admit it.
AB: She was like “D**, go over there and read this book while I go over there and take her shirt off...”
J: You don’t need the book!
O: ...I thought you were really reading the book!
U: I thought he was reading the book!
AB: I was. It took a lot of concentration...
AB: Very few women come back from Russia with phobias of big burly women with birch branches...
O: Well, she was very strong, so I thought I’d do what she said.
O: Actually, I really like it when you snap my underwear....why are you stopping?
S: So what are we talking about here?
MP: Massage.
S: OH. I was like, ‘you meet someone, you see what their feet feel like, then you work with that’?? Ok. Context.
J: This massage is so good, I can’t even pay attention to the lesbian action going on over there.
C: It must be like a Disney movie in your head sometimes.
O: Sometimes, people burst into song.
C: Yeah. but girls can’t just go like “hey, your bum is round I just had to grab it.”
O: I worked at Hooters!....I worked at a place where girls grabbed each other inappropriately all the time...
C: Woman. Out of apathy. I’m used to it. Also, it’s safer to have your genitalia on the inside.
O: My mommy likes to tell me that if she were me she’d go around naked all the time.
C: I thought that was your grandmother.
O: Both. This compliment has been passed on....eventually I’ll be teaching my bear-hatted children to be nudists.
O: I think it’s an Arabic expression or something, but she says “praise your vagina.” She’s been saying that since I was little. What a horrible thing to hear from your grandmother: “praise your darling vagina.”
O: I edited my brother’s essay the other day; he gave me whitening strips for it.
AB: ...Does he have his kidneys?
MP: Yes he does.
S: Good, that’s an important thing in first impressions. This guy has kidneys. I can trust him.
AB: I kind of wonder what it’s like running through the mountains with a dialysis machine.
O: But why would they eat the explosives?
AB: Because C4 looks like marshmallows.
O: I have to calibrate my personality over there because I sound like a cartoon character...and then I come back here and people think I’m trying to kill them.
O: I want to have babies so I can be a better cook....but that’s normal!
O: I though that it was really sad that the orphanage was making them find their own organs.
AB: ...“I have never seen a sphincter so clean and well-kept.” No, wait a minute, what’s that bone called....my one line tonight.
AB:...she’s waiting for me to put my foot in my mouth further.
CC: But what else can you say?
AB: I don’t know; apparently I have a fart pocket and I like sphincters.
AB: See, I’ve got the 45 degree rule. If it’s not in the 45 degrees from my eyes, I don’t see it. Even if I trip over it.
J: I can’t help it that I’m tall....
O: It’s like an entire sadomasochist dungeon and they don’t admit it. It’s like Italians – they’re all gay and they don’t admit it.
AB: She was like “D**, go over there and read this book while I go over there and take her shirt off...”
J: You don’t need the book!
O: ...I thought you were really reading the book!
U: I thought he was reading the book!
AB: I was. It took a lot of concentration...
AB: Very few women come back from Russia with phobias of big burly women with birch branches...
O: Well, she was very strong, so I thought I’d do what she said.
O: Actually, I really like it when you snap my underwear....why are you stopping?
S: So what are we talking about here?
MP: Massage.
S: OH. I was like, ‘you meet someone, you see what their feet feel like, then you work with that’?? Ok. Context.
J: This massage is so good, I can’t even pay attention to the lesbian action going on over there.
C: It must be like a Disney movie in your head sometimes.
O: Sometimes, people burst into song.
C: Yeah. but girls can’t just go like “hey, your bum is round I just had to grab it.”
O: I worked at Hooters!....I worked at a place where girls grabbed each other inappropriately all the time...
March 28, 2009: The objectification of utensils
C: Stupidity should be painful.
H: Like Pinocchio...everytime he told a lie his nose grew; evertytime you say something stupid, your...ears...grow?
A: Your nose grew...god, George Bush would be like all nose.
A: The guy was like ‘the women...and the door to civilisation’...and we’re all dying...‘and the raging horses’ and what are you on guy? At one point he stopped and looked at us and was like “Should I go on?” & we’re like “yeah, yeah....”
A: And there was this picture of a spoon and this guy tried to interpret it...and we started talking about utensil porn and the objectification of utensils...
A: See, I got nothing out of Merchant of Venice and Romeo & Juliet but hatred. But then we did Macbeth and I realised how disgustingly good Shakespeare is.
S: See, I liked King Lear, but Goneril??
A&C: Gonorrhoea?
S: Yeah...
A: I’ve been abused of this notion a long time ago...
C: Disabused.
S: C***’s correcting your grammar under her breath.
A: You realise I don’t really pay attention to what about I said...wait, that wasn’t good either...
H: I was going to say I wonder if Hansel & Gretel is a statement about how cremation...
C: No, I don’t think the fact that she eats them is a statement against cremation.
A: I’m glad you said what you said, because I was going to say “ashes burn.” Of course I didn’t have to say what I was going to say. Just keep digging myself a hole.
S: And yet she keeps talking...
A: I like my mug.
C: Yes, but did you really have to sing about it?
S: You should see what she does with it in private....I only meant she sings to it. It’s your minds that went there.
H: Or Peter. Maybe I stole your powers. I’m Sylar...
S: You’d have to be Peter because she didn’t take your brain out and play with it.
C: Are you sure? Because that would explain enough.
A: Maybe that’s why my (seets?) are red, the blood’s on them
S: You’d have to be Claire to bounce back form that.
A: Hey I heal from ...I always bounce back from my injuries with pride. People make fun of me and I bounce back.
A: I feel marginalised. I feel discriminated against.
H: You feel othered.
A: I feel othered, yes; I must say that.
A: What was I supposed to do with that?
C: Decorate your face with it.
H: Figuratively.
C: No, literally.
A: No, I thought literally and then I was like how do I do this figuratively and then I said...you see how my interview went...
S: They came up with a slogan: “It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”
C: That’s offensive.
S: Why is that offensive?
C: It offends my sense of...
A: It offends people who don’t have tongues!
S: Yeah, we always have this discussion around exams, that one of us dies and the others get out of exams.
C: I assume you’re the one who dies.
A: No...yeah....maybe...
H: I’ve never had this discussion, so I think it’s me.
A: Yeah, I think it’s me – I’ve taken on for the team a few times.
S: I’m sure I’ve asked you to put me out of my misery a few times.
A: I can tap her to death! Or maybe I can use the pointy end...
A: All the ipod can do is threaten me with threatening songs. Like, I turn it on and it goes “I want to kill you...” & I’m like “I didn’t download this song; what the hell?!”
A: I think I can.
H: You’re like the train: “I think I can I think I can.”
S: You know you can’t, you know you can’t.
C: You wish you could, you wish you could.
A: Maybe in some other universe?
S: Again, you know you can’t.
C: So what are our exciting plans for the evening?
S: God knows.
H: Does he?
S: Yes.
H: So ask him then.
S: He’s screaming.
A: You guys lost me there.
S: H*** said...
A: Oh, God! I thought you said “plants.” With the screaming....
A: And delicious.
S: For a second it sounded like you said something about a horse.
C: Yeah, it sounded like “Undah da hoss.”
S: Yeah, that’s exactly it.
A: Sometime in the German military “undah dah hoss!” like, German military term in the First World War when they still had horses in the military, before they figured out it wouldn’t work with trench warfare and all that...
H: So much thought...
A: Cake away! It could be a cake superhero! He’d be like, “Cake away!”
H: Keep talking. She’ll keep writing.
A: I’m being stubborn now. I’m not talking. Unnaturally silent...and I’m talking...
A: Cake of the future! Now I could really beat? that whole superhero....we can have a staring match.
S: I think C** would win.
A: No, I mean the cake.
S: I think it would win.
A: Yeah, it could. It doesn’t have eyes.
S: That’s what you think.
H: You’re a complete idiot....that was a bit rude
A: Oh, it’s a bit rude now? Like five minutes ago you’re like “fuck off, bitch!” – now’ you’re like “you’re an idiot.”
C: Especially the gooey part.
A: Oooey gooey.
H: That could be a song.
A: For my superhero! Gooey gooey....worst superhero ever. You’re like “gooey gooey” instead of “I’m going to fuck you up, bitch!” and then going, like, “gooey gooey.”
S: Eeeee!
A: Eeeee, yeah, when he flies. And everyone would want to eat you...
S: ...It could use fruitcake as weapons.
A: Yeah, he has like a Santa bag on his back full of fruitcake.
H: Is he missing limbs because people have eaten them?.....does he have a candle on his head?
C: What?
H: Because, he’s a cake, like...
C: Oh. ok.
A: Took a while. Yeah, that’s ok. I accept your input.
A: Aaaaah. AAAAAAH. Like a wounded dinosaur!
S: Like a wounded dinosaur.
A: You know, like growling aaaaaaaHHH.
H: You’re impressively weird this week.
A: I am impressively weird. And I’m not even trying.
H: Whose turn is it?
C: It’s A***’s. But she’s being annoying.
A: Hey, she’s the one who’s proposing to me.
S: This isn’t the Chinese restaurant.
A: Hey, it’s Canada – it could happen.
A: It’s a sign.
C: We’ve called up spirits.
A: It’s a séance. We’re in a Monopoly séance.
C: That is so lame.
A: The spirit of old capitalism...I think that it’d be scary. Adam Smith coming at you....
S: I love how she knows what a dinosaur sounds like.
A: A wounded dinosaur. With the flu, like my prof.
H: On it’s bottom. On its buttocks.
C: The CN tower doesn’t have buttocks.
A: ... and then I was like ‘oh, wait, I’m not a terrible person.’
C: Yes you are. You were corrupted by Monopoly money; how sad is that?
A: I know. I became corrupt and capitalist...
E: It said “you are such a sexy senorita” only he put (sp) because he wasn’t sure how to spell it.
E: We go every Thursday, and they’re so cute. Well, some of them stare at you and wish you were dead.
H: Like Pinocchio...everytime he told a lie his nose grew; evertytime you say something stupid, your...ears...grow?
A: Your nose grew...god, George Bush would be like all nose.
A: The guy was like ‘the women...and the door to civilisation’...and we’re all dying...‘and the raging horses’ and what are you on guy? At one point he stopped and looked at us and was like “Should I go on?” & we’re like “yeah, yeah....”
A: And there was this picture of a spoon and this guy tried to interpret it...and we started talking about utensil porn and the objectification of utensils...
A: See, I got nothing out of Merchant of Venice and Romeo & Juliet but hatred. But then we did Macbeth and I realised how disgustingly good Shakespeare is.
S: See, I liked King Lear, but Goneril??
A&C: Gonorrhoea?
S: Yeah...
A: I’ve been abused of this notion a long time ago...
C: Disabused.
S: C***’s correcting your grammar under her breath.
A: You realise I don’t really pay attention to what about I said...wait, that wasn’t good either...
H: I was going to say I wonder if Hansel & Gretel is a statement about how cremation...
C: No, I don’t think the fact that she eats them is a statement against cremation.
A: I’m glad you said what you said, because I was going to say “ashes burn.” Of course I didn’t have to say what I was going to say. Just keep digging myself a hole.
S: And yet she keeps talking...
A: I like my mug.
C: Yes, but did you really have to sing about it?
S: You should see what she does with it in private....I only meant she sings to it. It’s your minds that went there.
H: Or Peter. Maybe I stole your powers. I’m Sylar...
S: You’d have to be Peter because she didn’t take your brain out and play with it.
C: Are you sure? Because that would explain enough.
A: Maybe that’s why my (seets?) are red, the blood’s on them
S: You’d have to be Claire to bounce back form that.
A: Hey I heal from ...I always bounce back from my injuries with pride. People make fun of me and I bounce back.
A: I feel marginalised. I feel discriminated against.
H: You feel othered.
A: I feel othered, yes; I must say that.
A: What was I supposed to do with that?
C: Decorate your face with it.
H: Figuratively.
C: No, literally.
A: No, I thought literally and then I was like how do I do this figuratively and then I said...you see how my interview went...
S: They came up with a slogan: “It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”
C: That’s offensive.
S: Why is that offensive?
C: It offends my sense of...
A: It offends people who don’t have tongues!
S: Yeah, we always have this discussion around exams, that one of us dies and the others get out of exams.
C: I assume you’re the one who dies.
A: No...yeah....maybe...
H: I’ve never had this discussion, so I think it’s me.
A: Yeah, I think it’s me – I’ve taken on for the team a few times.
S: I’m sure I’ve asked you to put me out of my misery a few times.
A: I can tap her to death! Or maybe I can use the pointy end...
A: All the ipod can do is threaten me with threatening songs. Like, I turn it on and it goes “I want to kill you...” & I’m like “I didn’t download this song; what the hell?!”
A: I think I can.
H: You’re like the train: “I think I can I think I can.”
S: You know you can’t, you know you can’t.
C: You wish you could, you wish you could.
A: Maybe in some other universe?
S: Again, you know you can’t.
C: So what are our exciting plans for the evening?
S: God knows.
H: Does he?
S: Yes.
H: So ask him then.
S: He’s screaming.
A: You guys lost me there.
S: H*** said...
A: Oh, God! I thought you said “plants.” With the screaming....
A: And delicious.
S: For a second it sounded like you said something about a horse.
C: Yeah, it sounded like “Undah da hoss.”
S: Yeah, that’s exactly it.
A: Sometime in the German military “undah dah hoss!” like, German military term in the First World War when they still had horses in the military, before they figured out it wouldn’t work with trench warfare and all that...
H: So much thought...
A: Cake away! It could be a cake superhero! He’d be like, “Cake away!”
H: Keep talking. She’ll keep writing.
A: I’m being stubborn now. I’m not talking. Unnaturally silent...and I’m talking...
A: Cake of the future! Now I could really beat? that whole superhero....we can have a staring match.
S: I think C** would win.
A: No, I mean the cake.
S: I think it would win.
A: Yeah, it could. It doesn’t have eyes.
S: That’s what you think.
H: You’re a complete idiot....that was a bit rude
A: Oh, it’s a bit rude now? Like five minutes ago you’re like “fuck off, bitch!” – now’ you’re like “you’re an idiot.”
C: Especially the gooey part.
A: Oooey gooey.
H: That could be a song.
A: For my superhero! Gooey gooey....worst superhero ever. You’re like “gooey gooey” instead of “I’m going to fuck you up, bitch!” and then going, like, “gooey gooey.”
S: Eeeee!
A: Eeeee, yeah, when he flies. And everyone would want to eat you...
S: ...It could use fruitcake as weapons.
A: Yeah, he has like a Santa bag on his back full of fruitcake.
H: Is he missing limbs because people have eaten them?.....does he have a candle on his head?
C: What?
H: Because, he’s a cake, like...
C: Oh. ok.
A: Took a while. Yeah, that’s ok. I accept your input.
A: Aaaaah. AAAAAAH. Like a wounded dinosaur!
S: Like a wounded dinosaur.
A: You know, like growling aaaaaaaHHH.
H: You’re impressively weird this week.
A: I am impressively weird. And I’m not even trying.
H: Whose turn is it?
C: It’s A***’s. But she’s being annoying.
A: Hey, she’s the one who’s proposing to me.
S: This isn’t the Chinese restaurant.
A: Hey, it’s Canada – it could happen.
A: It’s a sign.
C: We’ve called up spirits.
A: It’s a séance. We’re in a Monopoly séance.
C: That is so lame.
A: The spirit of old capitalism...I think that it’d be scary. Adam Smith coming at you....
S: I love how she knows what a dinosaur sounds like.
A: A wounded dinosaur. With the flu, like my prof.
H: On it’s bottom. On its buttocks.
C: The CN tower doesn’t have buttocks.
A: ... and then I was like ‘oh, wait, I’m not a terrible person.’
C: Yes you are. You were corrupted by Monopoly money; how sad is that?
A: I know. I became corrupt and capitalist...
E: It said “you are such a sexy senorita” only he put (sp) because he wasn’t sure how to spell it.
E: We go every Thursday, and they’re so cute. Well, some of them stare at you and wish you were dead.
March 28, 2009: sneezing is oddly pleasurable
A1: I hope I’m funnier than P***. Probably not. Just more pathetic....at least P***’s mean.
P1: I almost brushed my teeth with a razor today....it’s not funny.
P1: Sometimes it’s embarrassing to be me.
A1: I don’t think you ever get embarrassed.
P1: No, I do. I’m embarrassed almost all the time. I just act like I hate people so it doesn’t show.
A1: I feel bad for anyone who has to archaeologically dissect us and be like “why is there frog in your canola?”
S1: So canola’s not vegetarian? Did you say there was frog in it?
A1: Oh, you can’t eat it anymore.
P1: ...at first I though you were saying I can’t eat it because I’m French.
S1: Is it that really ugly one where there were a bunch of scientist guys and I left?
P1: There’s a special test to see if your boobs are sagging. There’s the pencil test, and the other one. We were in the dressing room after a hockey game and they said if you can put your nipple in your mouth...I can do the left but not the right.
P1: Nipple dexterity – is that a thing?
J3: I hope not.
A1: It’s a passion for access.
C: It’s a hatred for people.
A1: No, it’s a passion for access.
A1: Who did you talk to at the career fair?
K4: The food table. And P***.
A1: Note to self: do not feed cW*** timbits. You’re like an exotic zoo animal.
A1: it could be a cW** hireable campaign so you can have a cat. And sometimes you have to do dirty and despicable things. Like wearing makeup so you look more accessible to dumb people. I think that’s all makeup is – it makes you look like you don’t kill people, even if you do.
A1: Can you imagine someone trying to film a kitty porn? It would be like...
C: I don’t want to.
A1: I wonder what kind of props they’d have, or the music...mrow chikka mrow mrow...I’m not talking.
C: I think I should make myself stupider, so I’m not so full of hate.
A1: Can we start with the makeup?
J2: What’s a girl to do?
V. I’m naked. NAKED.
J2: ‘Does this interest you at all?’
V: L**’s like “N***’s trying to take Romania!”
A1: Is it possible that you know that librarians are on a field trip when they cluster around the globe and talk about penguins?
R2: What else is there to talk about?
S1: Why stick with someone just because they got you pregnant?
A1: It’s like sticking with someone because they gave you an STD....that was crass....
S1: You could go live with A***.
A1: It could be like polygamy but without the sex. You could clean until you have a seizure or something, and then I suppose you could do the sex.
P1: It’s weird, because sneezing is oddly pleasurable, but...
A1: It’s kind of anticlimactic if you’re expecting to cum...
P1: You just can’t resist touching me...there’s a lot of people in this school who can’t stop touching me.
C: Sheer animal magnetism.
P1: Yeah, I just wish they’d stop touching me with their fists.
P1: I almost brushed my teeth with a razor today....it’s not funny.
P1: Sometimes it’s embarrassing to be me.
A1: I don’t think you ever get embarrassed.
P1: No, I do. I’m embarrassed almost all the time. I just act like I hate people so it doesn’t show.
A1: I feel bad for anyone who has to archaeologically dissect us and be like “why is there frog in your canola?”
S1: So canola’s not vegetarian? Did you say there was frog in it?
A1: Oh, you can’t eat it anymore.
P1: ...at first I though you were saying I can’t eat it because I’m French.
S1: Is it that really ugly one where there were a bunch of scientist guys and I left?
P1: There’s a special test to see if your boobs are sagging. There’s the pencil test, and the other one. We were in the dressing room after a hockey game and they said if you can put your nipple in your mouth...I can do the left but not the right.
P1: Nipple dexterity – is that a thing?
J3: I hope not.
A1: It’s a passion for access.
C: It’s a hatred for people.
A1: No, it’s a passion for access.
A1: Who did you talk to at the career fair?
K4: The food table. And P***.
A1: Note to self: do not feed cW*** timbits. You’re like an exotic zoo animal.
A1: it could be a cW** hireable campaign so you can have a cat. And sometimes you have to do dirty and despicable things. Like wearing makeup so you look more accessible to dumb people. I think that’s all makeup is – it makes you look like you don’t kill people, even if you do.
A1: Can you imagine someone trying to film a kitty porn? It would be like...
C: I don’t want to.
A1: I wonder what kind of props they’d have, or the music...mrow chikka mrow mrow...I’m not talking.
C: I think I should make myself stupider, so I’m not so full of hate.
A1: Can we start with the makeup?
J2: What’s a girl to do?
V. I’m naked. NAKED.
J2: ‘Does this interest you at all?’
V: L**’s like “N***’s trying to take Romania!”
A1: Is it possible that you know that librarians are on a field trip when they cluster around the globe and talk about penguins?
R2: What else is there to talk about?
S1: Why stick with someone just because they got you pregnant?
A1: It’s like sticking with someone because they gave you an STD....that was crass....
S1: You could go live with A***.
A1: It could be like polygamy but without the sex. You could clean until you have a seizure or something, and then I suppose you could do the sex.
P1: It’s weird, because sneezing is oddly pleasurable, but...
A1: It’s kind of anticlimactic if you’re expecting to cum...
P1: You just can’t resist touching me...there’s a lot of people in this school who can’t stop touching me.
C: Sheer animal magnetism.
P1: Yeah, I just wish they’d stop touching me with their fists.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
March 4, 2009: I think that metaphor was a bit laboured
V. Totally.
A1: ‘I’m mad at you. I’m going to pee on your clothes.’
J1: There’s like this warmup – I can’t do it – where you like move your ass... I just watch her ass for five minutes and try to replicate it.
A1: I love dumping boyfriends. It’s like, ‘Suffer and burn!’
M1: You can make lots of money as a pro golfer.
P1: You can make a lot of money whoring yourself out too.
C: That’s the example I was going to use too...
P1: We’re more alike than you’d like to think, C***
M1: But you’d have more self-respect if you were a pro golfer.
C: No.
P1: I wouldn’t.
A1: ...but I’m not sure if my husband would like that. Unless it were some kind of polygamy thing, only you wouldn’t sleep with him...
C: I could write down what he says too...
A1: I’m not sure O*** would go for that. He’d be like “I just wanted another dog.” But C** could like cook...maybe...no.
C: I make some great stir-fried cabbage...
A1: I kinda feel that polygamy’s not such a bad deal, though, because it’s like someone else who cares about housework. Which is why you wouldn’t be a good candidate. But if a neat freak wanted to marry me and my husband, like ‘yeah baby – I’ll cook, you clean, he farts...’ The romance is gone...
A1: I’m pretty sure most faces look like constipated squirrels – they do. It’s like, ‘are you angry, or do you just have to poo?’
Q: See the burnt koala getting water from the man.
C: Cute.
A1: Think of all the burnt dead ones.
S1: I think Heroin Mouse should look more like Amy Winehouse.
A1: When you are my pet, I will name you Xenophus.
S1: Notice how mushrooms weren’t on that thing. So mushrooms are ok.
O: Micro organisms taste lovely.
K4: That’s a put down. You’re not supposed to use put-downs. You’re supposed to use appreciations.
P1: You’ve taught elementary school, haven’t you?
K4: Yes, yes I have.
A1: It’s like taking multivitamins. You gotta get a good guy.
.K4: I think that metaphor was a bit laboured.
K4: Least glamourous death ever. Hacked to death by a library assignment.
A1: Found with her reference assignment in her neck...
K4: I think you could be fleshed out a bit.
A4: Like a pap smear?
K4: What?!?
A1: You know, one of those routine healthy things...
A1: In the future, I will come up with the perfect metaphor. And I will turn into a purple my little pony with sparkles, that smells like strawberries.
A1: C***, I’m not sure how I would stay entertained if you weren’t here laughing at me.
C: Glad to help.
A1: I’m so much funnier when you’re making fun of me. Who knew?
A1: ...Oh, my leadership paper...
C: How did that go?
A1: I was so sincere, I almost threw up.
A1: Thank you. It was a nice compliment. I just thought I’d trash it.
A1: I think I could spend days smelling my hair.
C: That’s nice.
A1: It’s a shame, because I think without all the vanity, I could be smart.
A1: My mum says that training men is like training killer whales.
C: Why?
A1: Because it’s all about positive reinforcement. You ignore the bad and focus on the good. Because how can you get a two-ton killer whale to jump through hoops for you without fish snacks?
A1: (on her wedding) It was the best day in my entire life – well, maybe not the best because I like canoe trips, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
C: And I got frozen spinach. It gives variety – not as much as a pap smear, but...
A1: You know you can get those for free? Because it’s Canada. You can be like “nobody’s touched me down there in a long time – can you just scrape something?’
A1: You know it’s bad if a pap smear is the high point of your week...
A1: So she got pregnant and the girl with the headache is communing with the foetus. It’s like you and Chucky.
A1: She was like “I just have to ask – are you carrying?” ...and I said “no, I just eat.”
C:...I can’t say I’ve ever actually gotten that...
A1: And you have a growth. Unfair.
A1: I think this one is you with the headache and the birds and the foetal communing.
A1: If you see any Calibri, eradicate it. Just kill it.
C: I do hate Calibri.
A1: It’s like zebra mussels in the Great Lakes. It just spreads...
A1: I think some men jut really make you want to have babies. You see them and you’re like “must...regenerate...species.”
A1: I think I just gained a pound.
C: Shit it out later; you’ll be fine.
A1: C** on biological functions...
A1: Sometimes I think I should be a troll. You know?
P1: Does Sean Connery have sex with some hussy in a library in this?
Q: No, but Christian Slater does – wanna see?
Q: Does that make you bride of Chucky?
A1: No...
C: I haven’t even given birth to him yet – how can I marry him?
A1: My sense is that he’ll marry a cat. And then be ingested by it.
K4: Have you guys heard of the Fem Defence?...it’s like a tampon, but with a spike on the end. So, if you’re going down a dark alley and you have some trouble...
C: That’s disgusting.
K4: There’s another one that looks like a claw!
A1: It turns your vagina into a deathtrap for penises. That’s cute.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
February 9, 2009: Let's not tell my therapist about that, shall we?
A1: Speaking of horrible things, I just heard a terrible joke. 'What do nine out of ten people enjoy?....Gang rape.' I've been holding it in, but it seemed the perfect moment, with the Rwanda...
V2: Telling that joke after talking about the Rwandan genocide is certainly an appropriate moment...
S9: P**** just sleeps in class.
A1: That's not true. Sometimes he spends an hour picking lint off himself.
C: So how's life?
S7: I'm getting something cut off of my tongue. I'm kind of excited. Well, not really.
S7: I've never felt this bad.
C: One guest lecture drove you to the depths of misery?
S7: I drew a hand turkey. But it was a YMCA turkey. So there was, like, a fireman, policeman, construction worker, sailor and leather guy. We called it 'Boredom Turkey.'
C: Leather guy?
S7: I dunno. P*** said it. he's dressed in leather. I almost posted it up there, because it's about the lowest you can sink....at the end of the class it turned into 'Suicide Turkey' because it hanged itself.
A1: It was like sad making out where you, like, slowly lick each other's face.
Q: He looked like he was comforting her & she looked like her dad just died.
A1: Maybe she was pregnant.
Q: Maybe she needed to get an abortion.
A1: That's so first year. I'm so over that. Like, get reliable birth control.
Q: Not first year, freshman.
A1: And those girls who need their boyfriends to come with them to get the morning after pill. - 'He doesn't support me' - 'He has class.'
C: I feel so dirty to have laughed at that joke.
A1: It's a little rough around the edges....where's P***?
P1: You have food!
C: Yes.
P1: You're eating!
C: Yes...
P1: I see three things in there! I didn't know you could eat three things.
C: Technically, I'm not supposed to be eating peas...
S1: There was this guy that, he couldn't afford alcohol, so he mixed gasoline with milk...and he threw up onto a fire...he was Canadian. You should be proud.
S7: I should have sold my virginity.
P1: You should have sold your virginity?!
S7: You know all those girls who are, like, selling their virginity for like $20 000...
P1: It's good C came in when you said that.
J2: You usually have to be patient, but you didn't have to wait at all...
A1: It's on Facebook.
R1: It's not names...?
C: Initials. Numbered initials.
P1: My wife figures out who I am really easily, though...and then she's like 'Do you talk about having alien babies with everyone in this school?''...
P1: Did you ever say something really funny and C's not there, and then you cursed yourself for not waiting until she showed up?
R1: It's really horrible to be sick & in pain.
A1: A**** would have to wipe your ass. I'm not saying she already doesn't...
P1: What the hell is wrong with you?
A1: Well, you know, if you're really sick, your wife has to change your diapers.
A1: Because if you look smart and have a low-cut top, you get the best of both worlds. Because what guy's going to say that's a downer?
A1: Because that's what makes it gay. The touching.
P1: Yeah. But it's not gay if you're playing Star Wars....I was joking.
A1: My therapist says I need to make friends. So I'm trying to make friends.
A1: I hate friends. Hate them.
A1: Who do you think our test subject should be? I think it should be P***. He'll give us some raunchy feedback.
C: Raunchy?
A1: Yeah, like; this website fucking sucks. Fuck you!'
A1: You could come over and we could make sculpys. You could make kittens and I could make otters. Or you could make baby seals and I could make clubs...
C: How do we say that politely?
A1: 'Do you have birth defects?'
C: I said politely.
A1: Ok, let me know if you think of a sensitive way, Miss Sensitive.
A1: Does anyone have a cellphone that plays 'Mary Had a Little lamb'?
R2; No, but I hear it too....there was a guy playing the flute in the student lounge.
A1: Sometimes I picture myself as a large otter and I crack things on my stomach....let's not tell my therapist about that, shall we?
C: And it would be pretty awkward trying to get them to get tested before you, you know, bite them...
R1: That's where being an information specialist comes in! i can crack the codes, find their medical history...
A1: You should pack yourself with dirty diapers so every time someone pokes you it smells like poop.
K4: Why would I do that?
A1: I don't know...
K4: How would that be in my best interests?
A1: It just came to me...
W: And you don't have a kid, so you'd have to make your own dirty diapers...
K4: how come every time I talk to you it ends up being about poop?
A1: I have a fecal obsession...
V2: Telling that joke after talking about the Rwandan genocide is certainly an appropriate moment...
S9: P**** just sleeps in class.
A1: That's not true. Sometimes he spends an hour picking lint off himself.
C: So how's life?
S7: I'm getting something cut off of my tongue. I'm kind of excited. Well, not really.
S7: I've never felt this bad.
C: One guest lecture drove you to the depths of misery?
S7: I drew a hand turkey. But it was a YMCA turkey. So there was, like, a fireman, policeman, construction worker, sailor and leather guy. We called it 'Boredom Turkey.'
C: Leather guy?
S7: I dunno. P*** said it. he's dressed in leather. I almost posted it up there, because it's about the lowest you can sink....at the end of the class it turned into 'Suicide Turkey' because it hanged itself.
A1: It was like sad making out where you, like, slowly lick each other's face.
Q: He looked like he was comforting her & she looked like her dad just died.
A1: Maybe she was pregnant.
Q: Maybe she needed to get an abortion.
A1: That's so first year. I'm so over that. Like, get reliable birth control.
Q: Not first year, freshman.
A1: And those girls who need their boyfriends to come with them to get the morning after pill. - 'He doesn't support me' - 'He has class.'
C: I feel so dirty to have laughed at that joke.
A1: It's a little rough around the edges....where's P***?
P1: You have food!
C: Yes.
P1: You're eating!
C: Yes...
P1: I see three things in there! I didn't know you could eat three things.
C: Technically, I'm not supposed to be eating peas...
S1: There was this guy that, he couldn't afford alcohol, so he mixed gasoline with milk...and he threw up onto a fire...he was Canadian. You should be proud.
S7: I should have sold my virginity.
P1: You should have sold your virginity?!
S7: You know all those girls who are, like, selling their virginity for like $20 000...
P1: It's good C came in when you said that.
J2: You usually have to be patient, but you didn't have to wait at all...
A1: It's on Facebook.
R1: It's not names...?
C: Initials. Numbered initials.
P1: My wife figures out who I am really easily, though...and then she's like 'Do you talk about having alien babies with everyone in this school?''...
P1: Did you ever say something really funny and C's not there, and then you cursed yourself for not waiting until she showed up?
R1: It's really horrible to be sick & in pain.
A1: A**** would have to wipe your ass. I'm not saying she already doesn't...
P1: What the hell is wrong with you?
A1: Well, you know, if you're really sick, your wife has to change your diapers.
A1: Because if you look smart and have a low-cut top, you get the best of both worlds. Because what guy's going to say that's a downer?
A1: Because that's what makes it gay. The touching.
P1: Yeah. But it's not gay if you're playing Star Wars....I was joking.
A1: My therapist says I need to make friends. So I'm trying to make friends.
A1: I hate friends. Hate them.
A1: Who do you think our test subject should be? I think it should be P***. He'll give us some raunchy feedback.
C: Raunchy?
A1: Yeah, like; this website fucking sucks. Fuck you!'
A1: You could come over and we could make sculpys. You could make kittens and I could make otters. Or you could make baby seals and I could make clubs...
C: How do we say that politely?
A1: 'Do you have birth defects?'
C: I said politely.
A1: Ok, let me know if you think of a sensitive way, Miss Sensitive.
A1: Does anyone have a cellphone that plays 'Mary Had a Little lamb'?
R2; No, but I hear it too....there was a guy playing the flute in the student lounge.
A1: Sometimes I picture myself as a large otter and I crack things on my stomach....let's not tell my therapist about that, shall we?
C: And it would be pretty awkward trying to get them to get tested before you, you know, bite them...
R1: That's where being an information specialist comes in! i can crack the codes, find their medical history...
A1: You should pack yourself with dirty diapers so every time someone pokes you it smells like poop.
K4: Why would I do that?
A1: I don't know...
K4: How would that be in my best interests?
A1: It just came to me...
W: And you don't have a kid, so you'd have to make your own dirty diapers...
K4: how come every time I talk to you it ends up being about poop?
A1: I have a fecal obsession...
February 3, 2009: No, that's ok. I don't need Chucky in a jar
S1: They're making me put my cream cheese on my own bagel!
C: Fascists!
S1: I'm so used to Tim Horton's, where they just smear it on for you.
K4: Yesterday P** was telling me how he bribed you to skip class.
C: And then it snowballed out of control...
K4: he was very proud of it. It was like one of his life's accomplishments.
C: Well, he bribed me with two bookstores. Not just one, two!
K4: Do I need to sing you the private square song? 'Hey you over there / This is my private square / R. A. P. E. / Stay the heck away from me!'
K4: I'm being molested in library school! That's the last place I would expect that!
A1: Are you kidding? All these antisocial creeps, nothing better to do than to poke me...
K4: I don't expect to be groped here!
A1: I look at all these people and it's like.. 'You haven't been laid in a long time. Don't touch me.'
A1: My hair hurts.
C: Your hair hasn't nerve endings.
A1: Smartass.
C: Would that be your scalp you're talking about?
A1: Well, you know, that thing I'm pulling.
A1: hard to tell who's the boss when you're married, because life's just this one continuous compromise. It's like being eaten to death by vampire bats. But in a nice way.
P1: maybe since we're like this weird alien race where, like, they're able to procreate just by proximity, so I impregnated you. That's not cheating, is it?
C: But why would you be having bladder problems too?
P1: Maybe the baby absorbs the renal powers of its parents.
C: At least the guy gets to suffer.
P1: it's more fair!
P1: We're a very advanced species. We realise it's the woman's choice.
A1: But she could take into account your sensibility by providing you with Chucky in a jar.
P1: No, that's ok. I don't need Chucky in a jar.
A1: She could get him cut out, put him in a jar and tie a bow and give it to you.
R1: Oh, nice.
A1: No! not nice! I can't have my husband smelling of magnolia!
__
CC: I'm always the man, wherever I go.
O: You'll always be my mother.
O: What kind of dominatrix are you?
T: Um..an expensive one.
O: What kind of dominatrices are there?
T: lists them...
C: You think about it in a very organised manner.
T: I've given the matter some thought.
O: I could be a dominatrix, part time.
C: No you couldn't. You'd laugh at them.
O: Actually, I've done that.
O: That's the way I like you, dark and bitter like my coffee. If I drink enough coffee, I could be like C*** some day!
O: Your eyes are like limpid pools of evil.
C: Thanks.
O: I actually wrote him a long e-mail the other day telling him he was irritating.
C: It wasn't a CC - style e-mail, with, like 'have a nice day :)' on the end?
O: No, it's a C-style e-mail. I actually copied and pasted some sentences from her e-mails. About 60% is plagiarised.
C: I feel so honoured.
O: I did. I lied during my Hooters' interview. There were 2 truthful things on my resume, and one of them was my name.
_____
1: It's all P***'s fault. He told us she writes down everything you say. Apparently your entire sex life is on Facebook.
V: I don't even have Facebook.
1: Her notes. You told me your entire sex life was on Facebook.
V: Well, I guess it is, then.
2: Good thing I don't have a sex life.
Q: ... and I forget the word for, like, the one that's under performing but has potential..
C: P?
Q: At my house, I'm cleaning, and the dryer lint is really soft and fluffy.
J1; See you later, alligator.
C: See ya.
J1: You're supposed to say 'In a while, crocodile.' Don't you know anything?!
S2: What are we talking about?
S1: Harlequin ichthyosis.
S2: Fair enough, fair enough. Okay.
S1: Horrible diseases and why you should abort your baby before it's born.
C: Fascists!
S1: I'm so used to Tim Horton's, where they just smear it on for you.
K4: Yesterday P** was telling me how he bribed you to skip class.
C: And then it snowballed out of control...
K4: he was very proud of it. It was like one of his life's accomplishments.
C: Well, he bribed me with two bookstores. Not just one, two!
K4: Do I need to sing you the private square song? 'Hey you over there / This is my private square / R. A. P. E. / Stay the heck away from me!'
K4: I'm being molested in library school! That's the last place I would expect that!
A1: Are you kidding? All these antisocial creeps, nothing better to do than to poke me...
K4: I don't expect to be groped here!
A1: I look at all these people and it's like.. 'You haven't been laid in a long time. Don't touch me.'
A1: My hair hurts.
C: Your hair hasn't nerve endings.
A1: Smartass.
C: Would that be your scalp you're talking about?
A1: Well, you know, that thing I'm pulling.
A1: hard to tell who's the boss when you're married, because life's just this one continuous compromise. It's like being eaten to death by vampire bats. But in a nice way.
P1: maybe since we're like this weird alien race where, like, they're able to procreate just by proximity, so I impregnated you. That's not cheating, is it?
C: But why would you be having bladder problems too?
P1: Maybe the baby absorbs the renal powers of its parents.
C: At least the guy gets to suffer.
P1: it's more fair!
P1: We're a very advanced species. We realise it's the woman's choice.
A1: But she could take into account your sensibility by providing you with Chucky in a jar.
P1: No, that's ok. I don't need Chucky in a jar.
A1: She could get him cut out, put him in a jar and tie a bow and give it to you.
R1: Oh, nice.
A1: No! not nice! I can't have my husband smelling of magnolia!
__
CC: I'm always the man, wherever I go.
O: You'll always be my mother.
O: What kind of dominatrix are you?
T: Um..an expensive one.
O: What kind of dominatrices are there?
T: lists them...
C: You think about it in a very organised manner.
T: I've given the matter some thought.
O: I could be a dominatrix, part time.
C: No you couldn't. You'd laugh at them.
O: Actually, I've done that.
O: That's the way I like you, dark and bitter like my coffee. If I drink enough coffee, I could be like C*** some day!
O: Your eyes are like limpid pools of evil.
C: Thanks.
O: I actually wrote him a long e-mail the other day telling him he was irritating.
C: It wasn't a CC - style e-mail, with, like 'have a nice day :)' on the end?
O: No, it's a C-style e-mail. I actually copied and pasted some sentences from her e-mails. About 60% is plagiarised.
C: I feel so honoured.
O: I did. I lied during my Hooters' interview. There were 2 truthful things on my resume, and one of them was my name.
_____
1: It's all P***'s fault. He told us she writes down everything you say. Apparently your entire sex life is on Facebook.
V: I don't even have Facebook.
1: Her notes. You told me your entire sex life was on Facebook.
V: Well, I guess it is, then.
2: Good thing I don't have a sex life.
Q: ... and I forget the word for, like, the one that's under performing but has potential..
C: P?
Q: At my house, I'm cleaning, and the dryer lint is really soft and fluffy.
J1; See you later, alligator.
C: See ya.
J1: You're supposed to say 'In a while, crocodile.' Don't you know anything?!
S2: What are we talking about?
S1: Harlequin ichthyosis.
S2: Fair enough, fair enough. Okay.
S1: Horrible diseases and why you should abort your baby before it's born.
January 11, 200: Quit talking about the earmuffs
A1: Children’s librarian. I could be a children’s librarian. I don’t mind dressing up in princess dresses. Not at all.
A1: Looking at C’s face makes me gassy.
C: It’s my superpower.
P1: You make people uncomfortable.
C: I make them gassy.
P1: Yeah, like... ‘I think I need to fart...’ ...you know what you could do to make people really uncomfortable? Flirt with them. Because I don’t think you’re the kind of person who normally does that. Like, if S2 sat down beside you and you were like ‘heyyyyyy big boy...’
W: So would only a vegan have organic semen?
P1: I don’t know how this Wikipedia article trail started, but I ended up on Ron Jeremy’s page and it says that he’s getting more and more popular because woman want to have sex with a man who doesn’t take Viagra and he doesn’t.
A1: What is it, like, organic porn?
A1: ‘I’m not a girl; not yet a woman...’
S8: Oh god...
P1: The way you sing it, it sounds like a country song.
A1: It should have been! It should have been a song for paedophiles!
P1: Sometimes I don’t wonder why certain people in this school don’t talk to us.
S2: That was fast.
C: I’m efficient.
P1: I love how you describe yourself as a machine. ‘I’m efficient.’
L: I can’t really picture you as someone who has their wedding pictures on Facebook.
P1: I like my wife!
L: I know it’s just, you know...
*C takes out notebook*
P1: Change like to love, please.
P1: You and your hormones.
V: They are a bit rabid and they take me to bad places.
K4: Last night the clown was yelling about html.
Q: I know everyone’s stressed out and it’s the end of the semester...
A1: I’m not stressed out; I just really don’t think you should wear earmuffs.
Q: Quit talking about the earmuffs.
P1: Something about you, C, tells me that in high school, all the nerds and geeks would have had a secret crush on you if you didn’t keep beating them up.
J2: It works. I can see it.
P1: Like, you probably wouldn’t physically beat them up, but they’d be like ‘hi, C, wanna go to the dance with me?’ and you’d be like ‘Why would I want to go with you’...
C: Mud wrestling!
P1: She wants us to mud wrestle.
A1: Jello shots!
P1: I’m going to be a great father.
C: I cannot wait ‘til you reproduce.
A1: Me neither. Can we have playdates when your kids kick my kids’ asses?
P1: They’ll bite them.
A: Actually, they may not do too bad, O***’s pretty bulky and I figure your kids are going to have birth defects or something because you’re all fucked up
P1: I’m going to teach them to hate all the right things and all the right people...
P1: Those poor geeks in high school.
C: I had friends who were geeks.
P1: You thought you were friends...They probably had, like, shrines to you and collected your hair.
A1: It’s ok; they’ve probably got computer science degrees and are dating bimbos now.
C: I actually murdered some of my imaginary friends when I was little. It was a bad day.
K5: The McCord museum has a Robert Munsch exhibit. It’s really good.
A1: Oh yeah, she’d love that.
same time: K1: Paper Bag Princess! & A1: The Scream!
P1: That’s the kind of talk I’ve been missing from you first years: ‘I want to kill myself.’ None of this ‘you’re so negative.’
P1: She’ll usually not post it, like, if you have a wife or husband and...
?: I better get a husband.
P1: You came to the right place. Like 3 straight guys in the whole program.
V: Well you don’t really experience it because once you get there it gets diffused because you’re male.
P: What? What about my maleness gets diffused?
A1: You look like a girl today.
C: I do?
A1: Is that your necklace matching your shirt I see?
C: I’ve been wearing this necklace for 3 days and I just put on this shirt..
A1: Sure....
Q: Who’d you take: Park vs. Large?
P: In a mudwrestling match?
K1: I can’t wait to retire.
Q: You can’t wait to retire? You haven’t started working.
P1: I can’t wait to retire either. Everytime I cross the street, I’m like ‘someone rich hit me, so I can sue.’
P1: It’s not a good idea to test your partner. Does he love me more than cigarettes? Does he love me more than video games? ‘Cause you gotta know where you rank. Ok, so I’m above cigarettes and below video games...
K1: Just so long as I’m above cigarettes, I don’t care about video games. I beat Super Mario Cart? last night!
Q: I’m like ‘this is stupid; these people have no arms!’
P1: They live downhill from the rich people so they all have birth defects. Didn’t you people listen to the theme song?
P1: Tell them you have a boyfriend.
C: Yeah, like they’ll believe that.
P1: I’ll make a Facebook page! What do you want this guy’s name to be? Eduardo?
P1: I could write cutesy messages on your wall as Eduardo.
C: Like I’d ever date someone who’d write cutesy fucking messages.
P1: You’re going to be alone your whole life.
AB: You just buy the kit from Loblaws and you build it with the icing. And you build it and then you smash it. I cut my hand that way once. I ate the bloody shards, though, don’t worry. (on gingerbread houses)
A: Another reason to get out of your parent’s house is when your mother thinks boxers can be hand-me-downs.
T: Do you mind if I throw a pillow at you?
A: You’re so polite; I don’t know that I can say no.
O: I always end up wearing odd things when my grandmother comes, because she wants me to, like, dress sexy...this is the grandmother who when we went to Amsterdam she took me to the red light district because she wanted to see the naked ladies...she said if she were me, she’d walk around naked all day.
O: And you lived next to this girl called ***
CC: Who always bit me, yeah...I was telling C before about how I had this neighbour who always bit me. I would come home covered in bite marks. She was very sweet....she was very sweet, except when she bit me.
CC: I remember she had chicken pox and mum made me hang out with her because she wanted me to catch it.
C: Did you?
CC: Yeah. I was pretty miserable. Itchy.
O: Were you the one who gave me chicken pox?
CC: When I get married, I am so making you wear lace. We should both do it.
O: No. When I get married, I would make my bridesmaids look beautiful and expect them to do the same for me.
CC: Ok, just C then. She can wear Doc Martens and a pink...lace...tutu.
C: Fuck you. Although the Doc Martens are ok.
CC: I wonder who’d win...C would win because she’s, like, violent. I’m nonviolent. I’m like the Care Bears. ‘Here, take my love!’
C: You drew a bunny with a bowtie beside your signature?
O: It’s valid. It’s my official signature. It’s on all my traveller’s cheques.
C: You are such a dork.
O: It’s from Sailor Moon!
O: So where does sex fit into this? You can’t have sex in Heaven; you can’t have sex in Hell, so now is the only time? So you should have lots?
C: ...Although he doesn’t have bloodflow and how the mechanism is supposed to work, and no one would tell me.
O: Nitrous oxide....so yes, that’s how vampire sex works.
O: You know how we evolved from people from the sea? We evolved from sea monsters. And that came out all wrong.
O: It’s the way I see you.
C: Thank you O***. I’m so flattered that you see darkness in my eyes.
O: But it’s a happy darkness.
CC: What do you see in my eyes?
O: Singing Disney animals.
__________________________
S: We have an organism in our fridge that gives off gas or something.
C&H: What?
B: You’ve created a new form of life.
S: ...And then you pour the salsa or whatever and you pour it in a bowl and it looks a little more bubbly than usual, but whatever. You smell it and it’s fine, but you taste it and no...and then you forget to recycle it or whatever and you leave it beside the sink for a week or something and then it explodes in a cloud of mist...and then I poured it down the sink and it clogged...my girlfriend gets pissed at me, because now everything I take out of her fridge, I smell it...
__________________________
T: Maybe something more peaceful. Teletubbies!
C: I am not. downloading. teletubbies. If I ever do, please kill me.
T: I have watched an episode of Teletubbies once.
C: Would you like me to kill you?
T: No. I came back from it a bitter and wiser person.
T: V** gave me a private talk on how I should curb my childishness while working on a nuclear reactor.
C: You can tell kids the most incredible lies...
CC: And they believe you! My nephews were over and my mum picked them up one in each arm and was like ‘I’m going to eat you!’ and J just started crying...she was like ‘No, don’t!’
C: Did you ever see Fred & Anna? It was this sex-ed video with cartoons...
CC: Oh, was that the one with the flying boobies and the flying penises singing ‘my body...’? I think that was the only sex ed I’ve ever had. I don’t think I had it anywhere...no, no, at school.
CC: I don’t know what to say when they’re like ‘we connect’ other than bite my tongue and try not to laugh. What would you say?
T: I would laugh.
S: So, you could buy like a packet of Play-dough...
A: Oh, I heard Plato...
H: Why wouldn’t you want an Irish accent?
A: But it’s scary.
S: I’d like one, but a 5”8, 6”2 tall guy...
H: Was that Alfie-Walfie?
C: Yes. Please never call him that again.
H: I’ll never call him that again.
H: Don’t fucking do that! (to Jet)
C: You’re going to teach him bad language!
H: True. Fuck yooouuu...
C: Hey!
C: So. Termites anecdotes?
T: I can tell you about natural gas...
C: Can you not?
T: You talked about your sphere or influence.
C: Termites are not exactly my sphere of influence. You didn’t even have a segueway.
T: One could say the chimneys of natural gas power plants look like termite mounds.
CC: You know how you can tell when someone wants to kiss you?
C: They get that look...
CC: And he was moving his face closer, and I was like ‘I can’t see the hockey game...’
A1: Looking at C’s face makes me gassy.
C: It’s my superpower.
P1: You make people uncomfortable.
C: I make them gassy.
P1: Yeah, like... ‘I think I need to fart...’ ...you know what you could do to make people really uncomfortable? Flirt with them. Because I don’t think you’re the kind of person who normally does that. Like, if S2 sat down beside you and you were like ‘heyyyyyy big boy...’
W: So would only a vegan have organic semen?
P1: I don’t know how this Wikipedia article trail started, but I ended up on Ron Jeremy’s page and it says that he’s getting more and more popular because woman want to have sex with a man who doesn’t take Viagra and he doesn’t.
A1: What is it, like, organic porn?
A1: ‘I’m not a girl; not yet a woman...’
S8: Oh god...
P1: The way you sing it, it sounds like a country song.
A1: It should have been! It should have been a song for paedophiles!
P1: Sometimes I don’t wonder why certain people in this school don’t talk to us.
S2: That was fast.
C: I’m efficient.
P1: I love how you describe yourself as a machine. ‘I’m efficient.’
L: I can’t really picture you as someone who has their wedding pictures on Facebook.
P1: I like my wife!
L: I know it’s just, you know...
*C takes out notebook*
P1: Change like to love, please.
P1: You and your hormones.
V: They are a bit rabid and they take me to bad places.
K4: Last night the clown was yelling about html.
Q: I know everyone’s stressed out and it’s the end of the semester...
A1: I’m not stressed out; I just really don’t think you should wear earmuffs.
Q: Quit talking about the earmuffs.
P1: Something about you, C, tells me that in high school, all the nerds and geeks would have had a secret crush on you if you didn’t keep beating them up.
J2: It works. I can see it.
P1: Like, you probably wouldn’t physically beat them up, but they’d be like ‘hi, C, wanna go to the dance with me?’ and you’d be like ‘Why would I want to go with you’...
C: Mud wrestling!
P1: She wants us to mud wrestle.
A1: Jello shots!
P1: I’m going to be a great father.
C: I cannot wait ‘til you reproduce.
A1: Me neither. Can we have playdates when your kids kick my kids’ asses?
P1: They’ll bite them.
A: Actually, they may not do too bad, O***’s pretty bulky and I figure your kids are going to have birth defects or something because you’re all fucked up
P1: I’m going to teach them to hate all the right things and all the right people...
P1: Those poor geeks in high school.
C: I had friends who were geeks.
P1: You thought you were friends...They probably had, like, shrines to you and collected your hair.
A1: It’s ok; they’ve probably got computer science degrees and are dating bimbos now.
C: I actually murdered some of my imaginary friends when I was little. It was a bad day.
K5: The McCord museum has a Robert Munsch exhibit. It’s really good.
A1: Oh yeah, she’d love that.
same time: K1: Paper Bag Princess! & A1: The Scream!
P1: That’s the kind of talk I’ve been missing from you first years: ‘I want to kill myself.’ None of this ‘you’re so negative.’
P1: She’ll usually not post it, like, if you have a wife or husband and...
?: I better get a husband.
P1: You came to the right place. Like 3 straight guys in the whole program.
V: Well you don’t really experience it because once you get there it gets diffused because you’re male.
P: What? What about my maleness gets diffused?
A1: You look like a girl today.
C: I do?
A1: Is that your necklace matching your shirt I see?
C: I’ve been wearing this necklace for 3 days and I just put on this shirt..
A1: Sure....
Q: Who’d you take: Park vs. Large?
P: In a mudwrestling match?
K1: I can’t wait to retire.
Q: You can’t wait to retire? You haven’t started working.
P1: I can’t wait to retire either. Everytime I cross the street, I’m like ‘someone rich hit me, so I can sue.’
P1: It’s not a good idea to test your partner. Does he love me more than cigarettes? Does he love me more than video games? ‘Cause you gotta know where you rank. Ok, so I’m above cigarettes and below video games...
K1: Just so long as I’m above cigarettes, I don’t care about video games. I beat Super Mario Cart? last night!
Q: I’m like ‘this is stupid; these people have no arms!’
P1: They live downhill from the rich people so they all have birth defects. Didn’t you people listen to the theme song?
P1: Tell them you have a boyfriend.
C: Yeah, like they’ll believe that.
P1: I’ll make a Facebook page! What do you want this guy’s name to be? Eduardo?
P1: I could write cutesy messages on your wall as Eduardo.
C: Like I’d ever date someone who’d write cutesy fucking messages.
P1: You’re going to be alone your whole life.
AB: You just buy the kit from Loblaws and you build it with the icing. And you build it and then you smash it. I cut my hand that way once. I ate the bloody shards, though, don’t worry. (on gingerbread houses)
A: Another reason to get out of your parent’s house is when your mother thinks boxers can be hand-me-downs.
T: Do you mind if I throw a pillow at you?
A: You’re so polite; I don’t know that I can say no.
O: I always end up wearing odd things when my grandmother comes, because she wants me to, like, dress sexy...this is the grandmother who when we went to Amsterdam she took me to the red light district because she wanted to see the naked ladies...she said if she were me, she’d walk around naked all day.
O: And you lived next to this girl called ***
CC: Who always bit me, yeah...I was telling C before about how I had this neighbour who always bit me. I would come home covered in bite marks. She was very sweet....she was very sweet, except when she bit me.
CC: I remember she had chicken pox and mum made me hang out with her because she wanted me to catch it.
C: Did you?
CC: Yeah. I was pretty miserable. Itchy.
O: Were you the one who gave me chicken pox?
CC: When I get married, I am so making you wear lace. We should both do it.
O: No. When I get married, I would make my bridesmaids look beautiful and expect them to do the same for me.
CC: Ok, just C then. She can wear Doc Martens and a pink...lace...tutu.
C: Fuck you. Although the Doc Martens are ok.
CC: I wonder who’d win...C would win because she’s, like, violent. I’m nonviolent. I’m like the Care Bears. ‘Here, take my love!’
C: You drew a bunny with a bowtie beside your signature?
O: It’s valid. It’s my official signature. It’s on all my traveller’s cheques.
C: You are such a dork.
O: It’s from Sailor Moon!
O: So where does sex fit into this? You can’t have sex in Heaven; you can’t have sex in Hell, so now is the only time? So you should have lots?
C: ...Although he doesn’t have bloodflow and how the mechanism is supposed to work, and no one would tell me.
O: Nitrous oxide....so yes, that’s how vampire sex works.
O: You know how we evolved from people from the sea? We evolved from sea monsters. And that came out all wrong.
O: It’s the way I see you.
C: Thank you O***. I’m so flattered that you see darkness in my eyes.
O: But it’s a happy darkness.
CC: What do you see in my eyes?
O: Singing Disney animals.
__________________________
S: We have an organism in our fridge that gives off gas or something.
C&H: What?
B: You’ve created a new form of life.
S: ...And then you pour the salsa or whatever and you pour it in a bowl and it looks a little more bubbly than usual, but whatever. You smell it and it’s fine, but you taste it and no...and then you forget to recycle it or whatever and you leave it beside the sink for a week or something and then it explodes in a cloud of mist...and then I poured it down the sink and it clogged...my girlfriend gets pissed at me, because now everything I take out of her fridge, I smell it...
__________________________
T: Maybe something more peaceful. Teletubbies!
C: I am not. downloading. teletubbies. If I ever do, please kill me.
T: I have watched an episode of Teletubbies once.
C: Would you like me to kill you?
T: No. I came back from it a bitter and wiser person.
T: V** gave me a private talk on how I should curb my childishness while working on a nuclear reactor.
C: You can tell kids the most incredible lies...
CC: And they believe you! My nephews were over and my mum picked them up one in each arm and was like ‘I’m going to eat you!’ and J just started crying...she was like ‘No, don’t!’
C: Did you ever see Fred & Anna? It was this sex-ed video with cartoons...
CC: Oh, was that the one with the flying boobies and the flying penises singing ‘my body...’? I think that was the only sex ed I’ve ever had. I don’t think I had it anywhere...no, no, at school.
CC: I don’t know what to say when they’re like ‘we connect’ other than bite my tongue and try not to laugh. What would you say?
T: I would laugh.
S: So, you could buy like a packet of Play-dough...
A: Oh, I heard Plato...
H: Why wouldn’t you want an Irish accent?
A: But it’s scary.
S: I’d like one, but a 5”8, 6”2 tall guy...
H: Was that Alfie-Walfie?
C: Yes. Please never call him that again.
H: I’ll never call him that again.
H: Don’t fucking do that! (to Jet)
C: You’re going to teach him bad language!
H: True. Fuck yooouuu...
C: Hey!
C: So. Termites anecdotes?
T: I can tell you about natural gas...
C: Can you not?
T: You talked about your sphere or influence.
C: Termites are not exactly my sphere of influence. You didn’t even have a segueway.
T: One could say the chimneys of natural gas power plants look like termite mounds.
CC: You know how you can tell when someone wants to kiss you?
C: They get that look...
CC: And he was moving his face closer, and I was like ‘I can’t see the hockey game...’
November 18, 2008: Toes aren't as bad as an unbent elbow
C2: Plus, it was full of grammar mistakes.
S1: I know, that is such a turn-off.
C2: No commas, spelling errors...
J1: They were like ‘Does it do double-sided?’ I don’t fucking know! We photocopied our hands!
W: A thousand dollars to sell your body? I think it should be more.
C: Yeah...
S1: It’s five thousand for your torso. But then you’d be dead.
W: It costs more to buy a torso than your entire body? I guess it’s the labour involved...
K1: Would you take a poop log?
S1: Would I do what with a poop log?
K1: Would you take a poop log for someone?
S1: Like record the sounds or something?
A1: Do it, just so I can secretly know that someone peed in the sink.
S1: It’s easier for boys, though.
C: Get P**** to do it.
S1: I’m sure P*** would pee in the sink for you.
A1: That sounds....wrong.
K1: I know, eh?
S1: Will you pee in the sink for A****?
P1: Sure.
K4: Just for A***, or for any of us?
S1: Because I would have to, like squat, and it’s all awkward.
A1: I’ve peed in a sink before; it’s not that bad.
A1: I’ve peed on car bumpers! In the winter.
C: Why did I hit P***, by the way?
K4: He’s been hitting me. He’s been hitting me ‘till I hit back but I won’t hit back. But I’ve found outsourcing works. And people are surprisingly willing to hit P****. Like, you didn’t even stop to ask why.
V: Wow, I was just doing the imperial death march, and now you sound like Darth Vader.
C: Go team?
V: I know; it’s very intuitive.
P1: We need a new Enlightenment. The first one didn’t...
C: Take.
P1: Take, yes. That’s exactly what I was thinking.
P1: You’re a PC. You keep crashing all the time.
C: Ouch.
P1: I’ve seen you lying on the couch, twitching...You’re a PC.
C: That’s depressing.
P1: And I’m a MAC. I’ve got all these cool abilities, but I never use them because you’re used to using a PC....I don’t think that’s any better.
C: I probably stayed in the pod longer.
P1: Yes, exactly! When my pod crashed, the stasis broke and I started developing right away and was adopted by my parents. But your pod took longer to crack, which is why you’re four years younger.
P1: And we were placed here as an experiment. When it was originally colonised, they placed two beings here, one that’s emotional all the time and one that just likes killing things.....this was before they realised at home that these people should be killed at birth. At home they’re all like us.
C: Maybe we’ll get to go home one day.
A1: It’s like birthing an alien baby – you just want to get it done.
P1: And we’ve all been there...
J1: Don’t they just do the jobs that the Americans don’t want?
A1: Yeah, but we’re proud of those jobs! They’re the jobs they write country songs about! It’s a big industry...
V (on pubic hair): I think at one point it was there to keep like twigs and berries...
V: And this guy wrote ‘To the guy who took a crap on my bicycle seat. Wow.’
P1: That takes talent.
V: The sheer logistics of it...
J1: I love Craigslist. It got me a bicycle.
C: And a photocopier.
J1: I kind of hate Craigslist.
P1: I’m right and everyone else is confused! This is the first time this semester!
P1: What do you mean “two-pronged”?!?
V: Like, *gestures*.
W: Because some animals have one bone in their penis and others have two...
P1: If a ninja vampire had a baby with a pirate werewolf, it would be Indiana Jones, according to C.
A1: That’s kind of anticlimactic.
P1: You can’t pack that much awesomeness in one person. Like, it could be all those things but it would probably still vote for Stephen Harper.
V: I just picture sand as like a yeast infection waiting to happen...
P1: Yeah, there are some places you just don’t want to exfoliate.
V: It’s like a small country, this cookie. I just ate Guam.
W: That’s a territory.
V: That’s a territory.
P1: You just ate Liechtenstein.
P1: I’m surprised our exam wasn’t on pink paper.
Q: I’m surprised he didn’t show up in drag.
P1: Cannibalism is technically vegan.
Q: What, because humans aren’t animals?
A1 (on photos): because it’s election day! I want to remember it.
P1: Remember it with your fucking brain!
A1: You know my brain doesn’t work.
S7: I tried to make rice crispie squares and it was disastrous.
S1: How hard can it be? I did it when I was twelve.
P1: Toes aren’t as bad as an unbent elbow...there are no possible ways an unbent elbow can be sexy or attractive.
A1: I’m sure there’s a fetish. Like, it looks like nipples....it’s maybe like a 30-year-old nipple after breast-feeding.
A1: What would you get if you had to give everyone the same thing for Christmas?
Q: Chocolate.
S1: Socks.
A1: I like hers.
P1: Fellatio.
P1: Every conversation I have with you people, I lose more and more respect for you. First porn clubs, then Mormon porn...
S1: ‘Ye gods’ – you wrote ‘ye gods’?
C: Yes. Yes I did.
S1: What’s this, ‘death to penis’?
C: Pennies!
V: This is what I think of you, case study.
C: That’s a little creepy.
V: I bleed on you. I am creepy.
P: If you want to get sick and miss class, I can spit in your mouth or your food.
A1: I touched the keyboard in the lab – I’m probably going to get sick anyway.
S1: I know, that is such a turn-off.
C2: No commas, spelling errors...
J1: They were like ‘Does it do double-sided?’ I don’t fucking know! We photocopied our hands!
W: A thousand dollars to sell your body? I think it should be more.
C: Yeah...
S1: It’s five thousand for your torso. But then you’d be dead.
W: It costs more to buy a torso than your entire body? I guess it’s the labour involved...
K1: Would you take a poop log?
S1: Would I do what with a poop log?
K1: Would you take a poop log for someone?
S1: Like record the sounds or something?
A1: Do it, just so I can secretly know that someone peed in the sink.
S1: It’s easier for boys, though.
C: Get P**** to do it.
S1: I’m sure P*** would pee in the sink for you.
A1: That sounds....wrong.
K1: I know, eh?
S1: Will you pee in the sink for A****?
P1: Sure.
K4: Just for A***, or for any of us?
S1: Because I would have to, like squat, and it’s all awkward.
A1: I’ve peed in a sink before; it’s not that bad.
A1: I’ve peed on car bumpers! In the winter.
C: Why did I hit P***, by the way?
K4: He’s been hitting me. He’s been hitting me ‘till I hit back but I won’t hit back. But I’ve found outsourcing works. And people are surprisingly willing to hit P****. Like, you didn’t even stop to ask why.
V: Wow, I was just doing the imperial death march, and now you sound like Darth Vader.
C: Go team?
V: I know; it’s very intuitive.
P1: We need a new Enlightenment. The first one didn’t...
C: Take.
P1: Take, yes. That’s exactly what I was thinking.
P1: You’re a PC. You keep crashing all the time.
C: Ouch.
P1: I’ve seen you lying on the couch, twitching...You’re a PC.
C: That’s depressing.
P1: And I’m a MAC. I’ve got all these cool abilities, but I never use them because you’re used to using a PC....I don’t think that’s any better.
C: I probably stayed in the pod longer.
P1: Yes, exactly! When my pod crashed, the stasis broke and I started developing right away and was adopted by my parents. But your pod took longer to crack, which is why you’re four years younger.
P1: And we were placed here as an experiment. When it was originally colonised, they placed two beings here, one that’s emotional all the time and one that just likes killing things.....this was before they realised at home that these people should be killed at birth. At home they’re all like us.
C: Maybe we’ll get to go home one day.
A1: It’s like birthing an alien baby – you just want to get it done.
P1: And we’ve all been there...
J1: Don’t they just do the jobs that the Americans don’t want?
A1: Yeah, but we’re proud of those jobs! They’re the jobs they write country songs about! It’s a big industry...
V (on pubic hair): I think at one point it was there to keep like twigs and berries...
V: And this guy wrote ‘To the guy who took a crap on my bicycle seat. Wow.’
P1: That takes talent.
V: The sheer logistics of it...
J1: I love Craigslist. It got me a bicycle.
C: And a photocopier.
J1: I kind of hate Craigslist.
P1: I’m right and everyone else is confused! This is the first time this semester!
P1: What do you mean “two-pronged”?!?
V: Like, *gestures*.
W: Because some animals have one bone in their penis and others have two...
P1: If a ninja vampire had a baby with a pirate werewolf, it would be Indiana Jones, according to C.
A1: That’s kind of anticlimactic.
P1: You can’t pack that much awesomeness in one person. Like, it could be all those things but it would probably still vote for Stephen Harper.
V: I just picture sand as like a yeast infection waiting to happen...
P1: Yeah, there are some places you just don’t want to exfoliate.
V: It’s like a small country, this cookie. I just ate Guam.
W: That’s a territory.
V: That’s a territory.
P1: You just ate Liechtenstein.
P1: I’m surprised our exam wasn’t on pink paper.
Q: I’m surprised he didn’t show up in drag.
P1: Cannibalism is technically vegan.
Q: What, because humans aren’t animals?
A1 (on photos): because it’s election day! I want to remember it.
P1: Remember it with your fucking brain!
A1: You know my brain doesn’t work.
S7: I tried to make rice crispie squares and it was disastrous.
S1: How hard can it be? I did it when I was twelve.
P1: Toes aren’t as bad as an unbent elbow...there are no possible ways an unbent elbow can be sexy or attractive.
A1: I’m sure there’s a fetish. Like, it looks like nipples....it’s maybe like a 30-year-old nipple after breast-feeding.
A1: What would you get if you had to give everyone the same thing for Christmas?
Q: Chocolate.
S1: Socks.
A1: I like hers.
P1: Fellatio.
P1: Every conversation I have with you people, I lose more and more respect for you. First porn clubs, then Mormon porn...
S1: ‘Ye gods’ – you wrote ‘ye gods’?
C: Yes. Yes I did.
S1: What’s this, ‘death to penis’?
C: Pennies!
V: This is what I think of you, case study.
C: That’s a little creepy.
V: I bleed on you. I am creepy.
P: If you want to get sick and miss class, I can spit in your mouth or your food.
A1: I touched the keyboard in the lab – I’m probably going to get sick anyway.
October 26, 2008: the Island of Misfit Toys
S1: Where’s your tan line?! You were supposed to be getting a tan!
K4: ...ok, so, this guy was like “I’m getting married” and we’re like ‘oh, that’s nice” and then he said “We’re getting married. But were not..” and we were like “engaged?..” and he said “no..we’re getting married but we – how you say it in English? – Gangbang.”
K4: We met a bachelor party. And the bachelor was in love with W***.....and then he went up to her and was like “I want to taste your lips. I don’t want to make love to you; I want to taste your lips. I can feel myself inside you...”
J1: I’m not here. I’m here in spirit but my body’s not here. No. Wait. The other way around. I’m here in body but my spirit’s at home...
J1: It’s good that you’re confident in your sexuality.
P1: I am. I was telling A*** that there are three pictures from this weekend of me kissing guys..
P1: So she was like “I want to take a picture of you guys!” and I was thinking I was going to kiss him and he wouldn’t guess and he was like ‘I’m going to lick his face and he won’t suspect it’ and she took the picture at just the right moment when he was licking my lips.
J1: There’s always that moment when the class is zoning out and she calls some StatsCan website “sexy”...
P1: Little do they know...
P1: Apparently fresh bread is the most potent aphrodisiac....so be very suspicious of boys offering you fresh bread. ‘Would you like some bread? It’s fresh! Have a whiff..’ ; ‘Are you trying to seduce me?’
P1: There’s a hair on my shoe. It’s probably J**’s.
P1: He’s like a cross between Q and me except tall and with glasses and better-looking.
S8: So why exactly is he a cross between you guys?
P1: That was the joke. And ouch.
A1: I always picture humans turning into hamsters or gerbils or something; you have too many children: you eat someone. Although in our case you just let them die...
A1: She totally reminds me of that rabbit that’s in your backyard sniffing at your lettuce and your dog goes to sniff its butt and it bites your dog’s head off. That to me is Sarah Palin. Those big eyes...the vampire rabbit!
A1: It’s fun here...it’s Stockholm Syndrome, that’s what it is!
Q: Well, I am Swedish.
A1: I love P...K’s so friendly...
A1: There’s nothing better than vodka with, like, ten olives. It’s practically a condiment!
P1: Have you ever found a really long white hair somewhere on your body?
S8 How long exactly?
P1: I never thought of that. To think of how depressing this school is – how much more depressing it would be as a single girl. Not to rub it in your faces...
(on dating someone also in library school)
P1: Plus, you could have ‘If you do the project, I’ll give you sexual favours’
S8: I’d do that.
P1: I’ll cook, clean and screw you, I’ll cook you clean you...you know what I mean.
A1: I’m supposed to stay positive. I can’t talk to you anymore.
P1: Is that what he said?
A1: No.
P1: We were talking about how we wished we had more orifices that would feel pleasurable if you inserted things in them, but then they would get infected.
P1: I think most of the second-years know that you’re evil. You’re like an evil bunny. Cute, but deadly.
C: ...Thanks?
____
OH: That sounds reasonable. Sad, and dark, but reasonable.
TNV: As are most things about C.
O: I want to walk and talk so I can get to my hockey game on time. I am clapping my hands to reinforce the point....there was probably a saner way to say that but it did not occur to me at the time.
C: I think you should get totally shitfaced and we could take pictures.
O: I love you too, C.
CC: Would you hang out with me if I wore a bonnet? Like, down the street?
C: I dunno.
CC: That crosses the line?
C: It’s pretty lose. I dunno. Would you hang out with me if I wore a bonnet?
T: Would there be any difference?
O: I would have been Bavarian Girl #6
CC: Ovarian?
O: Shut up!
O: So tell me about your new boyfriend Ulrich.
CC: Size does matter.
O: What?
CC: He taught me size does matter. He keeps me happy in bed..
O: If you weren’t dating Ulrich, I totally would.
CC: You know, if he met you, he’s probably want us to have a threesome.
O: That sounds like Ulrich.
O: I’ve always wanted to see a boy with a retainer.
CC: He’s an underwear model. Isn’t that hot?
T: He’s a rabbi! That’s hot!
O: He’s unique...
T: He plays the baroque lute!
CC: I guess it’s kinda hard to tell if a guy’s a virgin, eh?
T: It’s kinda hard to prove a girl’s a virgin; you don’t usually look at their hymen in casual conversation.
O: When I worked at Hooter’s, I prayed and prayed for God to make me a lesbian.
CC: Why?
O: The girls there were hot.
T: ... when you sneaked into the museum and did illicit things with the dinosaurs...
C: What is with you and dinosaurs, T?
T: They’re big!
C: I understand that size matters, but that much?
O: What are you doing?
CC: I’m fertilizing you with my sperm!
CC: Why is my name on your condom? That isn’t right.
CC: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to jerk off your finger. Please forgive me.
O: Tell it to the condom.
_____
P1: I was like, did you meet a guy? No, your sister has a new kitten.
C: He’s two and a half pounds!!!!
P1: You look like you’d be happy if someone, anywhere, got a new kitten.
J1: That was actually the first thing I thought about when they photocopied their faces: all that fucking toner!
P1: You’re going to be a great public librarian.
P1: That’s why she’s so happy today. I thought she met a boy.
Q: Kittens are better. They last longer.
S1: I never had an allergic reaction to a boyfriend. Well....although he had three cats so maybe that’s why.
P1: I can think of someone, as soon as I saw her face, I didn’t like her....it’s not any of you, god!
W: KITTEN!
C: *grins madly* The sad thing is, it works...
A1: Scientology must be a fascinating field.
A1: Do you want me to work on it?
P1: No, I mean having the penis on the outside. It should be retractable.
A1: Oh....that was awkward.
A1: But lotion has alcohol in it, doesn’t it? It would chafe.
Q: How do you know so much?
A1: Well, obviously I moisturize.
S1: Anyone who wants to be a librarian is going to be odd. Like, look around.
Q: I know; last year I felt like it was the Island of Misfit Toys.
P1: I just wanted to work in New Brunswick at a job that wasn’t inherently evil.
S1: I just gave up on life...
S8: Is Stargate the one with the guy with the evil genie eyebrows?
P1: If I can make a person not feel special, it makes my day. If that person is C, it makes my week!
Q: What’s disgusting?
A1: When a dog eats catshit.
Q: The love it!
A1: You know why? Because it’s full of protein.
C: Why do you eat it if it gives you a headache? You could get something without MSG.
V: Why do people have anal sex? Because they like it.
C: That’s an unusual analogy...
K4: ...ok, so, this guy was like “I’m getting married” and we’re like ‘oh, that’s nice” and then he said “We’re getting married. But were not..” and we were like “engaged?..” and he said “no..we’re getting married but we – how you say it in English? – Gangbang.”
K4: We met a bachelor party. And the bachelor was in love with W***.....and then he went up to her and was like “I want to taste your lips. I don’t want to make love to you; I want to taste your lips. I can feel myself inside you...”
J1: I’m not here. I’m here in spirit but my body’s not here. No. Wait. The other way around. I’m here in body but my spirit’s at home...
J1: It’s good that you’re confident in your sexuality.
P1: I am. I was telling A*** that there are three pictures from this weekend of me kissing guys..
P1: So she was like “I want to take a picture of you guys!” and I was thinking I was going to kiss him and he wouldn’t guess and he was like ‘I’m going to lick his face and he won’t suspect it’ and she took the picture at just the right moment when he was licking my lips.
J1: There’s always that moment when the class is zoning out and she calls some StatsCan website “sexy”...
P1: Little do they know...
P1: Apparently fresh bread is the most potent aphrodisiac....so be very suspicious of boys offering you fresh bread. ‘Would you like some bread? It’s fresh! Have a whiff..’ ; ‘Are you trying to seduce me?’
P1: There’s a hair on my shoe. It’s probably J**’s.
P1: He’s like a cross between Q and me except tall and with glasses and better-looking.
S8: So why exactly is he a cross between you guys?
P1: That was the joke. And ouch.
A1: I always picture humans turning into hamsters or gerbils or something; you have too many children: you eat someone. Although in our case you just let them die...
A1: She totally reminds me of that rabbit that’s in your backyard sniffing at your lettuce and your dog goes to sniff its butt and it bites your dog’s head off. That to me is Sarah Palin. Those big eyes...the vampire rabbit!
A1: It’s fun here...it’s Stockholm Syndrome, that’s what it is!
Q: Well, I am Swedish.
A1: I love P...K’s so friendly...
A1: There’s nothing better than vodka with, like, ten olives. It’s practically a condiment!
P1: Have you ever found a really long white hair somewhere on your body?
S8 How long exactly?
P1: I never thought of that. To think of how depressing this school is – how much more depressing it would be as a single girl. Not to rub it in your faces...
(on dating someone also in library school)
P1: Plus, you could have ‘If you do the project, I’ll give you sexual favours’
S8: I’d do that.
P1: I’ll cook, clean and screw you, I’ll cook you clean you...you know what I mean.
A1: I’m supposed to stay positive. I can’t talk to you anymore.
P1: Is that what he said?
A1: No.
P1: We were talking about how we wished we had more orifices that would feel pleasurable if you inserted things in them, but then they would get infected.
P1: I think most of the second-years know that you’re evil. You’re like an evil bunny. Cute, but deadly.
C: ...Thanks?
____
OH: That sounds reasonable. Sad, and dark, but reasonable.
TNV: As are most things about C.
O: I want to walk and talk so I can get to my hockey game on time. I am clapping my hands to reinforce the point....there was probably a saner way to say that but it did not occur to me at the time.
C: I think you should get totally shitfaced and we could take pictures.
O: I love you too, C.
CC: Would you hang out with me if I wore a bonnet? Like, down the street?
C: I dunno.
CC: That crosses the line?
C: It’s pretty lose. I dunno. Would you hang out with me if I wore a bonnet?
T: Would there be any difference?
O: I would have been Bavarian Girl #6
CC: Ovarian?
O: Shut up!
O: So tell me about your new boyfriend Ulrich.
CC: Size does matter.
O: What?
CC: He taught me size does matter. He keeps me happy in bed..
O: If you weren’t dating Ulrich, I totally would.
CC: You know, if he met you, he’s probably want us to have a threesome.
O: That sounds like Ulrich.
O: I’ve always wanted to see a boy with a retainer.
CC: He’s an underwear model. Isn’t that hot?
T: He’s a rabbi! That’s hot!
O: He’s unique...
T: He plays the baroque lute!
CC: I guess it’s kinda hard to tell if a guy’s a virgin, eh?
T: It’s kinda hard to prove a girl’s a virgin; you don’t usually look at their hymen in casual conversation.
O: When I worked at Hooter’s, I prayed and prayed for God to make me a lesbian.
CC: Why?
O: The girls there were hot.
T: ... when you sneaked into the museum and did illicit things with the dinosaurs...
C: What is with you and dinosaurs, T?
T: They’re big!
C: I understand that size matters, but that much?
O: What are you doing?
CC: I’m fertilizing you with my sperm!
CC: Why is my name on your condom? That isn’t right.
CC: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to jerk off your finger. Please forgive me.
O: Tell it to the condom.
_____
P1: I was like, did you meet a guy? No, your sister has a new kitten.
C: He’s two and a half pounds!!!!
P1: You look like you’d be happy if someone, anywhere, got a new kitten.
J1: That was actually the first thing I thought about when they photocopied their faces: all that fucking toner!
P1: You’re going to be a great public librarian.
P1: That’s why she’s so happy today. I thought she met a boy.
Q: Kittens are better. They last longer.
S1: I never had an allergic reaction to a boyfriend. Well....although he had three cats so maybe that’s why.
P1: I can think of someone, as soon as I saw her face, I didn’t like her....it’s not any of you, god!
W: KITTEN!
C: *grins madly* The sad thing is, it works...
A1: Scientology must be a fascinating field.
A1: Do you want me to work on it?
P1: No, I mean having the penis on the outside. It should be retractable.
A1: Oh....that was awkward.
A1: But lotion has alcohol in it, doesn’t it? It would chafe.
Q: How do you know so much?
A1: Well, obviously I moisturize.
S1: Anyone who wants to be a librarian is going to be odd. Like, look around.
Q: I know; last year I felt like it was the Island of Misfit Toys.
P1: I just wanted to work in New Brunswick at a job that wasn’t inherently evil.
S1: I just gave up on life...
S8: Is Stargate the one with the guy with the evil genie eyebrows?
P1: If I can make a person not feel special, it makes my day. If that person is C, it makes my week!
Q: What’s disgusting?
A1: When a dog eats catshit.
Q: The love it!
A1: You know why? Because it’s full of protein.
C: Why do you eat it if it gives you a headache? You could get something without MSG.
V: Why do people have anal sex? Because they like it.
C: That’s an unusual analogy...
October 5, 2008: And if you pay them, they put them right in your face
P1: With your brain, probably the things that happen in your dreams have a real effect on your brain.
J3: So is this going to last, do you think?
P1: From the messages she leaves on his Facebook wall, yeah. She’s like retarded for him.
V: Does anyone else want to talk about their embarrassing stories? No? Just me?
J3: You’re holding your own.
J1: What’s he doing at 10pm on a Wednesday night carrying a bag of apples? Is it a way to pick up girls? Because that’s really lame.
J1: And he was like ‘You have Kinder; I have pot! We trade, ja?’
V: Kinder?
J1: Like, Kinder eggs.
V: Oh. That doesn’t seem like a fair trade.
J3: How many Kinder eggs?
J1: I dunno...
P1: I don’t remember when I met you before I knew you were gay.
Q: It’s like a love song...
Q: Canadians are very confusing. I’m talking to a guy for like an hour and I think he’s hitting on me – and then he’s like ‘I gotta go call my girlfriend.’
P1: Maybe they were. I hit on you all the time. And S***.
Q: S***’s already got a boyfriend
...
S2: You’ve got competition, P****.
P1: I don’t think it’s ‘competition’ when I’m sleeping with both of you.
Q: It’s like Cabaret!
P1: But that lemming thing isn’t true; Disney threw them off the side of a cliff in Alberta.
P1: Rabbit is an idiot! Like, relax buddy, it’s just carrots!!
Q: Tigger could be annoying too.
Q: It’s like Brer Rabbit meets Adolf Hitler.
C: Yeah, it’s like 1984 for bunnies.
Q: Did you see the one where this cat tried to control the universe? He had this psychic rat and controls... - the thing I didn’t get was: cats already do that!
P1: I forget what the other reference to bricking in someone’s face was, but there were two. Shit a brick.
Q: Oh god.
P1: I think it was about his wife...
P1: It’s so weird looking at you when you’re upside down. I don’t know where to look, so I’m looking you in the teeth.
Q: Oh, she’s getting the notebook out.
P1: At least she’s coherent enough for that....’Cause, like, your teeth are where your eyes should be.
C: You’re a very weird person, P***.
P1: I am a very weird person. But, coming from you, that’s something.
Q: Yeah, if C says it...
J7: Do you think we need to improve things so that people feel that same assurance with electronic documents?
K1: I think that will come as a certain generation dies out...
P1: She was like lying there and twitching and having seizures while Q** and I were trying to talk. She kept interrupting us with our concern for her well-being.
K1: What are you eating?
C: Jello. It’s not solid food, so my stomach might not notice it’s there.
Q: What is that, squid ink?
C: Grape jello....
P1: What’s a turn-off?
Q: Smoking.
P1: Oh. I though you said ‘when they sing.’ If they’re bad, maybe...
K1: *siiiiiigggghhh*
P1: That’s like the call of the library school student.
Q: I did that today.
P1: ...these long drawn out sighs...
K1: I hate it here.
P1: If this school was a person, I’d kill it. Even if it was a baby. I’d drown it in bathwater.
K1: Or if it were a kitten.
Q: Or if it were a French woman with bleach-blonde hair...
P1: You shouldn’t have put it on Facebook.
K1: I wasn’t the one who put it there.
Q: Oh, so he’s bragging about you.
K1: I don’t care about these things.
P1: Your boyfriend?!
K! No!
Q: Doesn’t she look like the Joker?
S7: Yeah, she kinda does.
C: I’m just...
Q: Out of it?
C: Yeah....and I’m not even that heavily medicated now. Later...that’s my plan.
Q: You worry me.
S1: And there were more penises than I’ve ever seen in my life – except in movies – but they’re, like, in the same room...
W: And if you pay them they put them right in your face.
K4: Nine dollars.
S1: Right in your face! ...It’s kind of like paying someone to be the dirty flasher on the subway, but it’s a hot flasher.
W: How do you know??
S1: I went on their website.
W: Our bouncer was a stripper?!
S1: There’s an alumni night...
W: There was an amateur night. Our waiter jumped right on stage...
S1: I really think that if they could, guys would walk around all the time without pants.
C: Except in winter...
C&W: Shrinkage.
S1: You have fictional husbands; I know you do. Except they’re in books.
W: Mr. Darcy.
S1: I dunno. I don’t think he would be very good in bed. He’s great at the sexual tension, but...
S1: They’re not sideburns, they’re chops. It’s like sideburns that had babies all over their face.
S1: That’s the thing – it’s so expensive! I could stay home and get wasted for like a quarter of the price!
S1: At least in my house no one licks my face unless I want them to.
W: Sooo true.
K4: You have no sense of adventure!
W: Meningitis is not an adventure.
K4: It’s fun! People don’t always want to lick your face.
S1: Yes they do, C, yes they do. That’s all they do. Those are the only people who go there.
W: Dirty face-lickers.
S1: It’s full of guys who all they want to do is lick your face and hump your leg.
K4: Sometimes on a Saturday night all you want is to have your face licked and your leg humped.
S1: I could get a dog!
S1: Those guys don’t take no for an answer. They don’t take an elbow in the ribs for an answer either...
S1: But it’s like, so high; what if you fall off?
W: It has walls, S***.
K4: Ok, everyone who thinks S*** should dress like a hoochie, put up your hand. Ok. This is a democracy, S***....
S1: I didn’t know what it was either until K*** told me last year.
K4: Because you asked me to be your ‘fluff friend’ on Facebook. I am not doing that...
S1: ...You ruined it for me! I deleted ‘fluff friends’ because of you!
S1: Yeah, it’s called “The Fluffer” or “Fluffing” and it’s about this guy who fluffs this other guy, and I think he falls in love with the guy he fluffs.
W: His ‘fluffee’?
D1: This is the first time you’ve seen me watch a Christian Bale movie, isn’t it?
S1: Just remember he’s not really here.
J3: So is this going to last, do you think?
P1: From the messages she leaves on his Facebook wall, yeah. She’s like retarded for him.
V: Does anyone else want to talk about their embarrassing stories? No? Just me?
J3: You’re holding your own.
J1: What’s he doing at 10pm on a Wednesday night carrying a bag of apples? Is it a way to pick up girls? Because that’s really lame.
J1: And he was like ‘You have Kinder; I have pot! We trade, ja?’
V: Kinder?
J1: Like, Kinder eggs.
V: Oh. That doesn’t seem like a fair trade.
J3: How many Kinder eggs?
J1: I dunno...
P1: I don’t remember when I met you before I knew you were gay.
Q: It’s like a love song...
Q: Canadians are very confusing. I’m talking to a guy for like an hour and I think he’s hitting on me – and then he’s like ‘I gotta go call my girlfriend.’
P1: Maybe they were. I hit on you all the time. And S***.
Q: S***’s already got a boyfriend
...
S2: You’ve got competition, P****.
P1: I don’t think it’s ‘competition’ when I’m sleeping with both of you.
Q: It’s like Cabaret!
P1: But that lemming thing isn’t true; Disney threw them off the side of a cliff in Alberta.
P1: Rabbit is an idiot! Like, relax buddy, it’s just carrots!!
Q: Tigger could be annoying too.
Q: It’s like Brer Rabbit meets Adolf Hitler.
C: Yeah, it’s like 1984 for bunnies.
Q: Did you see the one where this cat tried to control the universe? He had this psychic rat and controls... - the thing I didn’t get was: cats already do that!
P1: I forget what the other reference to bricking in someone’s face was, but there were two. Shit a brick.
Q: Oh god.
P1: I think it was about his wife...
P1: It’s so weird looking at you when you’re upside down. I don’t know where to look, so I’m looking you in the teeth.
Q: Oh, she’s getting the notebook out.
P1: At least she’s coherent enough for that....’Cause, like, your teeth are where your eyes should be.
C: You’re a very weird person, P***.
P1: I am a very weird person. But, coming from you, that’s something.
Q: Yeah, if C says it...
J7: Do you think we need to improve things so that people feel that same assurance with electronic documents?
K1: I think that will come as a certain generation dies out...
P1: She was like lying there and twitching and having seizures while Q** and I were trying to talk. She kept interrupting us with our concern for her well-being.
K1: What are you eating?
C: Jello. It’s not solid food, so my stomach might not notice it’s there.
Q: What is that, squid ink?
C: Grape jello....
P1: What’s a turn-off?
Q: Smoking.
P1: Oh. I though you said ‘when they sing.’ If they’re bad, maybe...
K1: *siiiiiigggghhh*
P1: That’s like the call of the library school student.
Q: I did that today.
P1: ...these long drawn out sighs...
K1: I hate it here.
P1: If this school was a person, I’d kill it. Even if it was a baby. I’d drown it in bathwater.
K1: Or if it were a kitten.
Q: Or if it were a French woman with bleach-blonde hair...
P1: You shouldn’t have put it on Facebook.
K1: I wasn’t the one who put it there.
Q: Oh, so he’s bragging about you.
K1: I don’t care about these things.
P1: Your boyfriend?!
K! No!
Q: Doesn’t she look like the Joker?
S7: Yeah, she kinda does.
C: I’m just...
Q: Out of it?
C: Yeah....and I’m not even that heavily medicated now. Later...that’s my plan.
Q: You worry me.
S1: And there were more penises than I’ve ever seen in my life – except in movies – but they’re, like, in the same room...
W: And if you pay them they put them right in your face.
K4: Nine dollars.
S1: Right in your face! ...It’s kind of like paying someone to be the dirty flasher on the subway, but it’s a hot flasher.
W: How do you know??
S1: I went on their website.
W: Our bouncer was a stripper?!
S1: There’s an alumni night...
W: There was an amateur night. Our waiter jumped right on stage...
S1: I really think that if they could, guys would walk around all the time without pants.
C: Except in winter...
C&W: Shrinkage.
S1: You have fictional husbands; I know you do. Except they’re in books.
W: Mr. Darcy.
S1: I dunno. I don’t think he would be very good in bed. He’s great at the sexual tension, but...
S1: They’re not sideburns, they’re chops. It’s like sideburns that had babies all over their face.
S1: That’s the thing – it’s so expensive! I could stay home and get wasted for like a quarter of the price!
S1: At least in my house no one licks my face unless I want them to.
W: Sooo true.
K4: You have no sense of adventure!
W: Meningitis is not an adventure.
K4: It’s fun! People don’t always want to lick your face.
S1: Yes they do, C, yes they do. That’s all they do. Those are the only people who go there.
W: Dirty face-lickers.
S1: It’s full of guys who all they want to do is lick your face and hump your leg.
K4: Sometimes on a Saturday night all you want is to have your face licked and your leg humped.
S1: I could get a dog!
S1: Those guys don’t take no for an answer. They don’t take an elbow in the ribs for an answer either...
S1: But it’s like, so high; what if you fall off?
W: It has walls, S***.
K4: Ok, everyone who thinks S*** should dress like a hoochie, put up your hand. Ok. This is a democracy, S***....
S1: I didn’t know what it was either until K*** told me last year.
K4: Because you asked me to be your ‘fluff friend’ on Facebook. I am not doing that...
S1: ...You ruined it for me! I deleted ‘fluff friends’ because of you!
S1: Yeah, it’s called “The Fluffer” or “Fluffing” and it’s about this guy who fluffs this other guy, and I think he falls in love with the guy he fluffs.
W: His ‘fluffee’?
D1: This is the first time you’ve seen me watch a Christian Bale movie, isn’t it?
S1: Just remember he’s not really here.
September 29, 2008: There's nothing wrong with good grooming
AB: I’m used to being around all these passive women and now she’s[S] keeping him[D] in line, and she’s[CW] threatening to stab people with forks.
MW: I’ve got an idea. Instead of shaving my legs, I’ll just pour oil all over them and burn off all my hair.
V: You want to burn off your leg hair?
MW: Because I’m just so hardcore.
AB: And on the first date, which he later decided wasn’t a date, apparently, he told her that if her pants weren’t off by the fifth date, that meant she wasn’t interested.
TNV: Five dates what?
C: Pants off, apparently.
T: Oh. I thought it was three.
MW: For me, a guy has to rip all his clothes off, or it’s not good enough.
V: And burn them!
MW: If some of the clothes aren’t ripped, that’s just not good enough.
A: It’s ok being turned down by lesbians. I kind of expect it.
A: That’s not fair, you can’t take all the women.
V: I just did.
A: So we found out that S’s actually interested in women, so he’s[D] a cover, which means he’s probably interested in men and he’s trying to find out if I’m interested in men and we’re both trying to sell each other off on him...no, not M, him.[J].
..
D: I guess you won. Congrats, buddy.
A: Damn! I didn’t want to win that one. I feel so dirty.
U: I was just admiring your lashes. God, they’re so long! I just want to cut them off and put them on mine.
A: Well, MW told me to shave off half and put extensions on the other eye, so do you want half?
A: And don’t worry, we don’t have the five date rule.
CC: ...Good.
A: Good. We know what we’re getting into....That wasn’t a pun! It wasn’t! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
A: You’re not Bubby. You’re an attractive women who looks nothing like a guy.
CC: ..Thanks.
A: That wasn’t a good line, was it? Your eyes are like pools...
CC: *laughs* Can you say it in French?
A: Tu es...
JF: You know what they say about people with big hands.
A: They’re compensating.
J: They need big gloves...I like big gloves better.
A: I’m sorry. I was defending myself.
J: It’s ok. You’ll find out later.
A: [to CC] Please sit down. (i.e. between him&J)
A: I was hitting on you when I was sober; you don’t need to give me alcohol!
V: You get hit on by guys more than I do.
A: Not that many...it’s just because I’m friends with Osman! That’s why I’m still single! It’s because I hang out with Osman!
V: My dress is messed up; now I’m pregnant.
A: You could carry me home.
CC: I could piggyback you. If you held on tight and wrap your legs around...
A: I guess I have a goofy face.
D: I wasn’t going to say it, but...
A: Oh, so that’s why you like me! It’s my goofy face!
D: Apparently J does too.
J: Actually, I like your effeminate eyelashes.
T: Do you need a reason to do what?
A: To look at her funny.
T: I thought you look at everyone funny.
A: Did you want my cherry?
CC: Did you spit on it or something?
..
D: No, he said “Did you want my cherry?” and she said “Did you spit on it or something?”
T: I don’t know how you wouldn’t take that the dirty way.
D: I don’t know.
T: He’s got one to give away?
A: Were those yours? Those were very dainty toes.
J: There’s nothing wrong with good grooming.
A: No! That was the inside of my right leg! What are you, triple jointed or something? He has a third knee!!
J: Why did his pole suddenly become erect?
CC: He looks so shocked!
MW: That was not a good way to take it.
A: The monkey didn’t have boobs. What were you looking at?
J: It’s a matter of perspective.
MW: I’ve got an idea. Instead of shaving my legs, I’ll just pour oil all over them and burn off all my hair.
V: You want to burn off your leg hair?
MW: Because I’m just so hardcore.
AB: And on the first date, which he later decided wasn’t a date, apparently, he told her that if her pants weren’t off by the fifth date, that meant she wasn’t interested.
TNV: Five dates what?
C: Pants off, apparently.
T: Oh. I thought it was three.
MW: For me, a guy has to rip all his clothes off, or it’s not good enough.
V: And burn them!
MW: If some of the clothes aren’t ripped, that’s just not good enough.
A: It’s ok being turned down by lesbians. I kind of expect it.
A: That’s not fair, you can’t take all the women.
V: I just did.
A: So we found out that S’s actually interested in women, so he’s[D] a cover, which means he’s probably interested in men and he’s trying to find out if I’m interested in men and we’re both trying to sell each other off on him...no, not M, him.[J].
..
D: I guess you won. Congrats, buddy.
A: Damn! I didn’t want to win that one. I feel so dirty.
U: I was just admiring your lashes. God, they’re so long! I just want to cut them off and put them on mine.
A: Well, MW told me to shave off half and put extensions on the other eye, so do you want half?
A: And don’t worry, we don’t have the five date rule.
CC: ...Good.
A: Good. We know what we’re getting into....That wasn’t a pun! It wasn’t! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
A: You’re not Bubby. You’re an attractive women who looks nothing like a guy.
CC: ..Thanks.
A: That wasn’t a good line, was it? Your eyes are like pools...
CC: *laughs* Can you say it in French?
A: Tu es...
JF: You know what they say about people with big hands.
A: They’re compensating.
J: They need big gloves...I like big gloves better.
A: I’m sorry. I was defending myself.
J: It’s ok. You’ll find out later.
A: [to CC] Please sit down. (i.e. between him&J)
A: I was hitting on you when I was sober; you don’t need to give me alcohol!
V: You get hit on by guys more than I do.
A: Not that many...it’s just because I’m friends with Osman! That’s why I’m still single! It’s because I hang out with Osman!
V: My dress is messed up; now I’m pregnant.
A: You could carry me home.
CC: I could piggyback you. If you held on tight and wrap your legs around...
A: I guess I have a goofy face.
D: I wasn’t going to say it, but...
A: Oh, so that’s why you like me! It’s my goofy face!
D: Apparently J does too.
J: Actually, I like your effeminate eyelashes.
T: Do you need a reason to do what?
A: To look at her funny.
T: I thought you look at everyone funny.
A: Did you want my cherry?
CC: Did you spit on it or something?
..
D: No, he said “Did you want my cherry?” and she said “Did you spit on it or something?”
T: I don’t know how you wouldn’t take that the dirty way.
D: I don’t know.
T: He’s got one to give away?
A: Were those yours? Those were very dainty toes.
J: There’s nothing wrong with good grooming.
A: No! That was the inside of my right leg! What are you, triple jointed or something? He has a third knee!!
J: Why did his pole suddenly become erect?
CC: He looks so shocked!
MW: That was not a good way to take it.
A: The monkey didn’t have boobs. What were you looking at?
J: It’s a matter of perspective.
September 26, 2008: apparently they make anatomically-correct costumes
V: You have a helmet!
S2: I have a helmet, yes. I’m still not used to this whole not risking death thing...
S1: I kind of assume every guy in our program is gay, until proven otherwise. It seems a safe assumption....I do that with every guy in Vancouver too. There are some gorgeous guys in the West End and it’s like...probably gay. Best not to get my hopes up.
V: He’s hotter than he was last year.
S1?: It’s been a dry summer, hasn’t it?
V: Shut up. I had a more successful summer with males than in a while.
Q: I had a bit of a dry summer.
S1: My summer was very dry. There were tumbleweeds.
V: *Laughs* “Tumbleweeds between my thighs!”
Q: I remember having this conversation with P**** last year. And he was like ‘how many guys have you kissed? I’ve kissed two.’ And I said ‘I don’t know,’ and he was like ‘come on, don’t be homophobic.’
V: Seriously? He said that?
Q: Or something equivalent. And I said ‘No, I really don’t know. I’ve lost count.’ and he looked at me and was like ‘ooooh.’
S1: ‘Cause I was going to say ‘he polishes his rocks and watches Battlestar Galactica,’ but then I realised it sounded like something else.
S1: I was like “How can you have sex if you’re in a big furry costume?” but apparently they make anatomically-correct costumes.
C: “Role-play”?!
P1: I’ll be a French maid. Can you picture it?
C: I am. That should be your Hallowe’en costume.
P1: A** wants me to wear this dress...
C: It could be a nice French maid dress!
P1: ...she’s offered to make it...
A1: You look so much more normal with blue hair and I don’t know why...it’s like you cared about your appearance for a day.
V: ..people skills – sorry C...
V: I have a trenchcoat. But it’s not black. It just looks like I’m going to flash someone. Short people can’t wear trenchcoats...
P1: A current awareness assignment, like, if they put a ‘kick me’ sign on your back, how long does it take you to notice?
C: Three hours.
A1: Oh, C’s intelligent.
P1: Intelligent like it takes her 3 hours to notice a ‘kick me’ sign on her back!
C: I was busy!
P1: Skirt and a Spiderman shirt! *thumbs up* It’s kind of like a mullet: work on the bottom, party on top.
C: Ok...
P1: Like how a mullet is work in the front, party in the back...I wasn’t comparing your fashion choice to a mullet. That would be mean.
P1: You’re a drug addict.
C: But I’m not even on my drugs anymore.
P1: And look what you did to your hair! Withdrawal symptoms.
C: Exactly. And sleeping through every class...
P1: You’re turning into me! If you start growing a penis, drink coffee. Even if it kills you.
C: I’ll do that. Thanks for the advice.
P1: I’m gonna go now.
M3: Who’s Chris? Do you know him?
S7: I feel like I know him.
Q: ...that’s the Acquisitions Librarian.
A1: They can buy it. I’ll just catalogue it subversively. I’m in charge of making it findable...it has to be something really obscure. Woodworking....bulimia. I like to picture Ann Coulter puking.
C: Anemia!
Q: How do you think she stays so thin?
A1: Exactly. Bulimia. I think she’s a puker.
Q: I already warned some of them when they were in a good mood. I was like ‘when you think about dropping out first term: don’t.’ and they were like ‘Why are you telling us this?’
Q: First of all, it’s the web. Which is more likely to be in a web: a squid or a spider?
A1: And we’ll name the ball FB.
S?: I don’t think she’d like it.
A1: We wouldn’t put it on the ball.
P1: I would.
S1: You can’t eat honey?
P1: No.
S1: Why, do you break out in hives?
P1: No! God! It’s not like this school isn’t depressing enough, you have to crush my will to live with the world’s worst pun! You hurt my soul...I don’t even believe in souls and you hurt mine!
P1: The last time I shaved a sweater, I was sitting on the roof of my apartment and people looked at me funny. Probably because I was shaving a sweater and sitting on the roof...it wasn’t really a roof. It was more of an awning. I was on the third floor.
C: Why would it matter if people looked at you funny?
P: They looked at me even funnier when I brought out a blanket and a pillow and took a nap in the middle of the day.
P1: Just because it says so on your shoe, doesn’t make it true!
C: But you were acting like a wiener.
P1: Describe my wiener-like qualities.
A1: How does someone piss you off? I act like a retard all the time and I don’t piss you off.
P1: No one knows what a shmoo(sp?) is. You know what that means? It means I’m old, like you.
Q: Fuck you.
P1: You know what, it’s like a defense mechanism: “No one invites me anywhere!” Now that I’m vegan, they can’t.
A1: O*** has a blackberry and he’s like...it’s like we had a baby and it’s the Blackberry.
A1: P*** has above-average intelligence.
P1: Either that or I have Aspergers.
Q: You do not have Asperger’s. Who told you that? You told yourself that.
A1: Have you been reading Cosmo again?.....You’re not special!
Q: You don’t have Asperger’s, you’re just an ass.
P1: I say things and I do things that piss people off all the time and it doesn’t occur to me that they could ever piss people off.
A1: Honey, that’s just self-absorbed.
...
Q: The fact that you’re married...
A1: Yeah, but have you met his wife?
P1: What’s that supposed to mean?!
A1: Nothing; I love your wife.
Q: Yeah, I remember last year and I wondered ‘how could a woman put up with this guy?’ And I saw pictures of her on Facebook and she looks so sweet and innocent...but then I met her and she’s more messed up than you.
P1: Yeah, but it doesn’t work for girls.
S1: What do you mean?
P1: What do you spank?
S1: We shouldn’t really have to explain this to you P***....poor A***.
P1: Guys don’t really “spank” either though...
G: What did he say about exposing themselves?
C: To information. It’s a virus! A disease!
G: Well, that’s what happens if you go around exposing yourself, I guess.
C: I guess that’s a way of sharing information. In a sense. Thanks for that mental image, G***.
S5: They were having a Starcraft LAN party.
J4: What the fuck is that?
S5: Yeah....the best part is they’re all wearing their headphones to listen to sound effects or something and all you hear is the click of the mouse *click.click.click.click.click.* and they trash talk each other. Like “yo bitch!” “I can’t believe you destroyed my fortress, man!”
S5: It’s like, a nice romantic dinner followed by...90s html coding.
S5: Is it like a marathon where they time you every time and you have to try to beat your best time?
J4: That’s not very yoga, S***
S2: I have a helmet, yes. I’m still not used to this whole not risking death thing...
S1: I kind of assume every guy in our program is gay, until proven otherwise. It seems a safe assumption....I do that with every guy in Vancouver too. There are some gorgeous guys in the West End and it’s like...probably gay. Best not to get my hopes up.
V: He’s hotter than he was last year.
S1?: It’s been a dry summer, hasn’t it?
V: Shut up. I had a more successful summer with males than in a while.
Q: I had a bit of a dry summer.
S1: My summer was very dry. There were tumbleweeds.
V: *Laughs* “Tumbleweeds between my thighs!”
Q: I remember having this conversation with P**** last year. And he was like ‘how many guys have you kissed? I’ve kissed two.’ And I said ‘I don’t know,’ and he was like ‘come on, don’t be homophobic.’
V: Seriously? He said that?
Q: Or something equivalent. And I said ‘No, I really don’t know. I’ve lost count.’ and he looked at me and was like ‘ooooh.’
S1: ‘Cause I was going to say ‘he polishes his rocks and watches Battlestar Galactica,’ but then I realised it sounded like something else.
S1: I was like “How can you have sex if you’re in a big furry costume?” but apparently they make anatomically-correct costumes.
C: “Role-play”?!
P1: I’ll be a French maid. Can you picture it?
C: I am. That should be your Hallowe’en costume.
P1: A** wants me to wear this dress...
C: It could be a nice French maid dress!
P1: ...she’s offered to make it...
A1: You look so much more normal with blue hair and I don’t know why...it’s like you cared about your appearance for a day.
V: ..people skills – sorry C...
V: I have a trenchcoat. But it’s not black. It just looks like I’m going to flash someone. Short people can’t wear trenchcoats...
P1: A current awareness assignment, like, if they put a ‘kick me’ sign on your back, how long does it take you to notice?
C: Three hours.
A1: Oh, C’s intelligent.
P1: Intelligent like it takes her 3 hours to notice a ‘kick me’ sign on her back!
C: I was busy!
P1: Skirt and a Spiderman shirt! *thumbs up* It’s kind of like a mullet: work on the bottom, party on top.
C: Ok...
P1: Like how a mullet is work in the front, party in the back...I wasn’t comparing your fashion choice to a mullet. That would be mean.
P1: You’re a drug addict.
C: But I’m not even on my drugs anymore.
P1: And look what you did to your hair! Withdrawal symptoms.
C: Exactly. And sleeping through every class...
P1: You’re turning into me! If you start growing a penis, drink coffee. Even if it kills you.
C: I’ll do that. Thanks for the advice.
P1: I’m gonna go now.
M3: Who’s Chris? Do you know him?
S7: I feel like I know him.
Q: ...that’s the Acquisitions Librarian.
A1: They can buy it. I’ll just catalogue it subversively. I’m in charge of making it findable...it has to be something really obscure. Woodworking....bulimia. I like to picture Ann Coulter puking.
C: Anemia!
Q: How do you think she stays so thin?
A1: Exactly. Bulimia. I think she’s a puker.
Q: I already warned some of them when they were in a good mood. I was like ‘when you think about dropping out first term: don’t.’ and they were like ‘Why are you telling us this?’
Q: First of all, it’s the web. Which is more likely to be in a web: a squid or a spider?
A1: And we’ll name the ball FB.
S?: I don’t think she’d like it.
A1: We wouldn’t put it on the ball.
P1: I would.
S1: You can’t eat honey?
P1: No.
S1: Why, do you break out in hives?
P1: No! God! It’s not like this school isn’t depressing enough, you have to crush my will to live with the world’s worst pun! You hurt my soul...I don’t even believe in souls and you hurt mine!
P1: The last time I shaved a sweater, I was sitting on the roof of my apartment and people looked at me funny. Probably because I was shaving a sweater and sitting on the roof...it wasn’t really a roof. It was more of an awning. I was on the third floor.
C: Why would it matter if people looked at you funny?
P: They looked at me even funnier when I brought out a blanket and a pillow and took a nap in the middle of the day.
P1: Just because it says so on your shoe, doesn’t make it true!
C: But you were acting like a wiener.
P1: Describe my wiener-like qualities.
A1: How does someone piss you off? I act like a retard all the time and I don’t piss you off.
P1: No one knows what a shmoo(sp?) is. You know what that means? It means I’m old, like you.
Q: Fuck you.
P1: You know what, it’s like a defense mechanism: “No one invites me anywhere!” Now that I’m vegan, they can’t.
A1: O*** has a blackberry and he’s like...it’s like we had a baby and it’s the Blackberry.
A1: P*** has above-average intelligence.
P1: Either that or I have Aspergers.
Q: You do not have Asperger’s. Who told you that? You told yourself that.
A1: Have you been reading Cosmo again?.....You’re not special!
Q: You don’t have Asperger’s, you’re just an ass.
P1: I say things and I do things that piss people off all the time and it doesn’t occur to me that they could ever piss people off.
A1: Honey, that’s just self-absorbed.
...
Q: The fact that you’re married...
A1: Yeah, but have you met his wife?
P1: What’s that supposed to mean?!
A1: Nothing; I love your wife.
Q: Yeah, I remember last year and I wondered ‘how could a woman put up with this guy?’ And I saw pictures of her on Facebook and she looks so sweet and innocent...but then I met her and she’s more messed up than you.
P1: Yeah, but it doesn’t work for girls.
S1: What do you mean?
P1: What do you spank?
S1: We shouldn’t really have to explain this to you P***....poor A***.
P1: Guys don’t really “spank” either though...
G: What did he say about exposing themselves?
C: To information. It’s a virus! A disease!
G: Well, that’s what happens if you go around exposing yourself, I guess.
C: I guess that’s a way of sharing information. In a sense. Thanks for that mental image, G***.
S5: They were having a Starcraft LAN party.
J4: What the fuck is that?
S5: Yeah....the best part is they’re all wearing their headphones to listen to sound effects or something and all you hear is the click of the mouse *click.click.click.click.click.* and they trash talk each other. Like “yo bitch!” “I can’t believe you destroyed my fortress, man!”
S5: It’s like, a nice romantic dinner followed by...90s html coding.
S5: Is it like a marathon where they time you every time and you have to try to beat your best time?
J4: That’s not very yoga, S***
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