A1: Speaking of horrible things, I just heard a terrible joke. 'What do nine out of ten people enjoy?....Gang rape.' I've been holding it in, but it seemed the perfect moment, with the Rwanda...
V2: Telling that joke after talking about the Rwandan genocide is certainly an appropriate moment...
S9: P**** just sleeps in class.
A1: That's not true. Sometimes he spends an hour picking lint off himself.
C: So how's life?
S7: I'm getting something cut off of my tongue. I'm kind of excited. Well, not really.
S7: I've never felt this bad.
C: One guest lecture drove you to the depths of misery?
S7: I drew a hand turkey. But it was a YMCA turkey. So there was, like, a fireman, policeman, construction worker, sailor and leather guy. We called it 'Boredom Turkey.'
C: Leather guy?
S7: I dunno. P*** said it. he's dressed in leather. I almost posted it up there, because it's about the lowest you can sink....at the end of the class it turned into 'Suicide Turkey' because it hanged itself.
A1: It was like sad making out where you, like, slowly lick each other's face.
Q: He looked like he was comforting her & she looked like her dad just died.
A1: Maybe she was pregnant.
Q: Maybe she needed to get an abortion.
A1: That's so first year. I'm so over that. Like, get reliable birth control.
Q: Not first year, freshman.
A1: And those girls who need their boyfriends to come with them to get the morning after pill. - 'He doesn't support me' - 'He has class.'
C: I feel so dirty to have laughed at that joke.
A1: It's a little rough around the edges....where's P***?
P1: You have food!
C: Yes.
P1: You're eating!
C: Yes...
P1: I see three things in there! I didn't know you could eat three things.
C: Technically, I'm not supposed to be eating peas...
S1: There was this guy that, he couldn't afford alcohol, so he mixed gasoline with milk...and he threw up onto a fire...he was Canadian. You should be proud.
S7: I should have sold my virginity.
P1: You should have sold your virginity?!
S7: You know all those girls who are, like, selling their virginity for like $20 000...
P1: It's good C came in when you said that.
J2: You usually have to be patient, but you didn't have to wait at all...
A1: It's on Facebook.
R1: It's not names...?
C: Initials. Numbered initials.
P1: My wife figures out who I am really easily, though...and then she's like 'Do you talk about having alien babies with everyone in this school?''...
P1: Did you ever say something really funny and C's not there, and then you cursed yourself for not waiting until she showed up?
R1: It's really horrible to be sick & in pain.
A1: A**** would have to wipe your ass. I'm not saying she already doesn't...
P1: What the hell is wrong with you?
A1: Well, you know, if you're really sick, your wife has to change your diapers.
A1: Because if you look smart and have a low-cut top, you get the best of both worlds. Because what guy's going to say that's a downer?
A1: Because that's what makes it gay. The touching.
P1: Yeah. But it's not gay if you're playing Star Wars....I was joking.
A1: My therapist says I need to make friends. So I'm trying to make friends.
A1: I hate friends. Hate them.
A1: Who do you think our test subject should be? I think it should be P***. He'll give us some raunchy feedback.
C: Raunchy?
A1: Yeah, like; this website fucking sucks. Fuck you!'
A1: You could come over and we could make sculpys. You could make kittens and I could make otters. Or you could make baby seals and I could make clubs...
C: How do we say that politely?
A1: 'Do you have birth defects?'
C: I said politely.
A1: Ok, let me know if you think of a sensitive way, Miss Sensitive.
A1: Does anyone have a cellphone that plays 'Mary Had a Little lamb'?
R2; No, but I hear it too....there was a guy playing the flute in the student lounge.
A1: Sometimes I picture myself as a large otter and I crack things on my stomach....let's not tell my therapist about that, shall we?
C: And it would be pretty awkward trying to get them to get tested before you, you know, bite them...
R1: That's where being an information specialist comes in! i can crack the codes, find their medical history...
A1: You should pack yourself with dirty diapers so every time someone pokes you it smells like poop.
K4: Why would I do that?
A1: I don't know...
K4: How would that be in my best interests?
A1: It just came to me...
W: And you don't have a kid, so you'd have to make your own dirty diapers...
K4: how come every time I talk to you it ends up being about poop?
A1: I have a fecal obsession...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
February 3, 2009: No, that's ok. I don't need Chucky in a jar
S1: They're making me put my cream cheese on my own bagel!
C: Fascists!
S1: I'm so used to Tim Horton's, where they just smear it on for you.
K4: Yesterday P** was telling me how he bribed you to skip class.
C: And then it snowballed out of control...
K4: he was very proud of it. It was like one of his life's accomplishments.
C: Well, he bribed me with two bookstores. Not just one, two!
K4: Do I need to sing you the private square song? 'Hey you over there / This is my private square / R. A. P. E. / Stay the heck away from me!'
K4: I'm being molested in library school! That's the last place I would expect that!
A1: Are you kidding? All these antisocial creeps, nothing better to do than to poke me...
K4: I don't expect to be groped here!
A1: I look at all these people and it's like.. 'You haven't been laid in a long time. Don't touch me.'
A1: My hair hurts.
C: Your hair hasn't nerve endings.
A1: Smartass.
C: Would that be your scalp you're talking about?
A1: Well, you know, that thing I'm pulling.
A1: hard to tell who's the boss when you're married, because life's just this one continuous compromise. It's like being eaten to death by vampire bats. But in a nice way.
P1: maybe since we're like this weird alien race where, like, they're able to procreate just by proximity, so I impregnated you. That's not cheating, is it?
C: But why would you be having bladder problems too?
P1: Maybe the baby absorbs the renal powers of its parents.
C: At least the guy gets to suffer.
P1: it's more fair!
P1: We're a very advanced species. We realise it's the woman's choice.
A1: But she could take into account your sensibility by providing you with Chucky in a jar.
P1: No, that's ok. I don't need Chucky in a jar.
A1: She could get him cut out, put him in a jar and tie a bow and give it to you.
R1: Oh, nice.
A1: No! not nice! I can't have my husband smelling of magnolia!
__
CC: I'm always the man, wherever I go.
O: You'll always be my mother.
O: What kind of dominatrix are you?
T: Um..an expensive one.
O: What kind of dominatrices are there?
T: lists them...
C: You think about it in a very organised manner.
T: I've given the matter some thought.
O: I could be a dominatrix, part time.
C: No you couldn't. You'd laugh at them.
O: Actually, I've done that.
O: That's the way I like you, dark and bitter like my coffee. If I drink enough coffee, I could be like C*** some day!
O: Your eyes are like limpid pools of evil.
C: Thanks.
O: I actually wrote him a long e-mail the other day telling him he was irritating.
C: It wasn't a CC - style e-mail, with, like 'have a nice day :)' on the end?
O: No, it's a C-style e-mail. I actually copied and pasted some sentences from her e-mails. About 60% is plagiarised.
C: I feel so honoured.
O: I did. I lied during my Hooters' interview. There were 2 truthful things on my resume, and one of them was my name.
_____
1: It's all P***'s fault. He told us she writes down everything you say. Apparently your entire sex life is on Facebook.
V: I don't even have Facebook.
1: Her notes. You told me your entire sex life was on Facebook.
V: Well, I guess it is, then.
2: Good thing I don't have a sex life.
Q: ... and I forget the word for, like, the one that's under performing but has potential..
C: P?
Q: At my house, I'm cleaning, and the dryer lint is really soft and fluffy.
J1; See you later, alligator.
C: See ya.
J1: You're supposed to say 'In a while, crocodile.' Don't you know anything?!
S2: What are we talking about?
S1: Harlequin ichthyosis.
S2: Fair enough, fair enough. Okay.
S1: Horrible diseases and why you should abort your baby before it's born.
C: Fascists!
S1: I'm so used to Tim Horton's, where they just smear it on for you.
K4: Yesterday P** was telling me how he bribed you to skip class.
C: And then it snowballed out of control...
K4: he was very proud of it. It was like one of his life's accomplishments.
C: Well, he bribed me with two bookstores. Not just one, two!
K4: Do I need to sing you the private square song? 'Hey you over there / This is my private square / R. A. P. E. / Stay the heck away from me!'
K4: I'm being molested in library school! That's the last place I would expect that!
A1: Are you kidding? All these antisocial creeps, nothing better to do than to poke me...
K4: I don't expect to be groped here!
A1: I look at all these people and it's like.. 'You haven't been laid in a long time. Don't touch me.'
A1: My hair hurts.
C: Your hair hasn't nerve endings.
A1: Smartass.
C: Would that be your scalp you're talking about?
A1: Well, you know, that thing I'm pulling.
A1: hard to tell who's the boss when you're married, because life's just this one continuous compromise. It's like being eaten to death by vampire bats. But in a nice way.
P1: maybe since we're like this weird alien race where, like, they're able to procreate just by proximity, so I impregnated you. That's not cheating, is it?
C: But why would you be having bladder problems too?
P1: Maybe the baby absorbs the renal powers of its parents.
C: At least the guy gets to suffer.
P1: it's more fair!
P1: We're a very advanced species. We realise it's the woman's choice.
A1: But she could take into account your sensibility by providing you with Chucky in a jar.
P1: No, that's ok. I don't need Chucky in a jar.
A1: She could get him cut out, put him in a jar and tie a bow and give it to you.
R1: Oh, nice.
A1: No! not nice! I can't have my husband smelling of magnolia!
__
CC: I'm always the man, wherever I go.
O: You'll always be my mother.
O: What kind of dominatrix are you?
T: Um..an expensive one.
O: What kind of dominatrices are there?
T: lists them...
C: You think about it in a very organised manner.
T: I've given the matter some thought.
O: I could be a dominatrix, part time.
C: No you couldn't. You'd laugh at them.
O: Actually, I've done that.
O: That's the way I like you, dark and bitter like my coffee. If I drink enough coffee, I could be like C*** some day!
O: Your eyes are like limpid pools of evil.
C: Thanks.
O: I actually wrote him a long e-mail the other day telling him he was irritating.
C: It wasn't a CC - style e-mail, with, like 'have a nice day :)' on the end?
O: No, it's a C-style e-mail. I actually copied and pasted some sentences from her e-mails. About 60% is plagiarised.
C: I feel so honoured.
O: I did. I lied during my Hooters' interview. There were 2 truthful things on my resume, and one of them was my name.
_____
1: It's all P***'s fault. He told us she writes down everything you say. Apparently your entire sex life is on Facebook.
V: I don't even have Facebook.
1: Her notes. You told me your entire sex life was on Facebook.
V: Well, I guess it is, then.
2: Good thing I don't have a sex life.
Q: ... and I forget the word for, like, the one that's under performing but has potential..
C: P?
Q: At my house, I'm cleaning, and the dryer lint is really soft and fluffy.
J1; See you later, alligator.
C: See ya.
J1: You're supposed to say 'In a while, crocodile.' Don't you know anything?!
S2: What are we talking about?
S1: Harlequin ichthyosis.
S2: Fair enough, fair enough. Okay.
S1: Horrible diseases and why you should abort your baby before it's born.
January 11, 200: Quit talking about the earmuffs
A1: Children’s librarian. I could be a children’s librarian. I don’t mind dressing up in princess dresses. Not at all.
A1: Looking at C’s face makes me gassy.
C: It’s my superpower.
P1: You make people uncomfortable.
C: I make them gassy.
P1: Yeah, like... ‘I think I need to fart...’ ...you know what you could do to make people really uncomfortable? Flirt with them. Because I don’t think you’re the kind of person who normally does that. Like, if S2 sat down beside you and you were like ‘heyyyyyy big boy...’
W: So would only a vegan have organic semen?
P1: I don’t know how this Wikipedia article trail started, but I ended up on Ron Jeremy’s page and it says that he’s getting more and more popular because woman want to have sex with a man who doesn’t take Viagra and he doesn’t.
A1: What is it, like, organic porn?
A1: ‘I’m not a girl; not yet a woman...’
S8: Oh god...
P1: The way you sing it, it sounds like a country song.
A1: It should have been! It should have been a song for paedophiles!
P1: Sometimes I don’t wonder why certain people in this school don’t talk to us.
S2: That was fast.
C: I’m efficient.
P1: I love how you describe yourself as a machine. ‘I’m efficient.’
L: I can’t really picture you as someone who has their wedding pictures on Facebook.
P1: I like my wife!
L: I know it’s just, you know...
*C takes out notebook*
P1: Change like to love, please.
P1: You and your hormones.
V: They are a bit rabid and they take me to bad places.
K4: Last night the clown was yelling about html.
Q: I know everyone’s stressed out and it’s the end of the semester...
A1: I’m not stressed out; I just really don’t think you should wear earmuffs.
Q: Quit talking about the earmuffs.
P1: Something about you, C, tells me that in high school, all the nerds and geeks would have had a secret crush on you if you didn’t keep beating them up.
J2: It works. I can see it.
P1: Like, you probably wouldn’t physically beat them up, but they’d be like ‘hi, C, wanna go to the dance with me?’ and you’d be like ‘Why would I want to go with you’...
C: Mud wrestling!
P1: She wants us to mud wrestle.
A1: Jello shots!
P1: I’m going to be a great father.
C: I cannot wait ‘til you reproduce.
A1: Me neither. Can we have playdates when your kids kick my kids’ asses?
P1: They’ll bite them.
A: Actually, they may not do too bad, O***’s pretty bulky and I figure your kids are going to have birth defects or something because you’re all fucked up
P1: I’m going to teach them to hate all the right things and all the right people...
P1: Those poor geeks in high school.
C: I had friends who were geeks.
P1: You thought you were friends...They probably had, like, shrines to you and collected your hair.
A1: It’s ok; they’ve probably got computer science degrees and are dating bimbos now.
C: I actually murdered some of my imaginary friends when I was little. It was a bad day.
K5: The McCord museum has a Robert Munsch exhibit. It’s really good.
A1: Oh yeah, she’d love that.
same time: K1: Paper Bag Princess! & A1: The Scream!
P1: That’s the kind of talk I’ve been missing from you first years: ‘I want to kill myself.’ None of this ‘you’re so negative.’
P1: She’ll usually not post it, like, if you have a wife or husband and...
?: I better get a husband.
P1: You came to the right place. Like 3 straight guys in the whole program.
V: Well you don’t really experience it because once you get there it gets diffused because you’re male.
P: What? What about my maleness gets diffused?
A1: You look like a girl today.
C: I do?
A1: Is that your necklace matching your shirt I see?
C: I’ve been wearing this necklace for 3 days and I just put on this shirt..
A1: Sure....
Q: Who’d you take: Park vs. Large?
P: In a mudwrestling match?
K1: I can’t wait to retire.
Q: You can’t wait to retire? You haven’t started working.
P1: I can’t wait to retire either. Everytime I cross the street, I’m like ‘someone rich hit me, so I can sue.’
P1: It’s not a good idea to test your partner. Does he love me more than cigarettes? Does he love me more than video games? ‘Cause you gotta know where you rank. Ok, so I’m above cigarettes and below video games...
K1: Just so long as I’m above cigarettes, I don’t care about video games. I beat Super Mario Cart? last night!
Q: I’m like ‘this is stupid; these people have no arms!’
P1: They live downhill from the rich people so they all have birth defects. Didn’t you people listen to the theme song?
P1: Tell them you have a boyfriend.
C: Yeah, like they’ll believe that.
P1: I’ll make a Facebook page! What do you want this guy’s name to be? Eduardo?
P1: I could write cutesy messages on your wall as Eduardo.
C: Like I’d ever date someone who’d write cutesy fucking messages.
P1: You’re going to be alone your whole life.
AB: You just buy the kit from Loblaws and you build it with the icing. And you build it and then you smash it. I cut my hand that way once. I ate the bloody shards, though, don’t worry. (on gingerbread houses)
A: Another reason to get out of your parent’s house is when your mother thinks boxers can be hand-me-downs.
T: Do you mind if I throw a pillow at you?
A: You’re so polite; I don’t know that I can say no.
O: I always end up wearing odd things when my grandmother comes, because she wants me to, like, dress sexy...this is the grandmother who when we went to Amsterdam she took me to the red light district because she wanted to see the naked ladies...she said if she were me, she’d walk around naked all day.
O: And you lived next to this girl called ***
CC: Who always bit me, yeah...I was telling C before about how I had this neighbour who always bit me. I would come home covered in bite marks. She was very sweet....she was very sweet, except when she bit me.
CC: I remember she had chicken pox and mum made me hang out with her because she wanted me to catch it.
C: Did you?
CC: Yeah. I was pretty miserable. Itchy.
O: Were you the one who gave me chicken pox?
CC: When I get married, I am so making you wear lace. We should both do it.
O: No. When I get married, I would make my bridesmaids look beautiful and expect them to do the same for me.
CC: Ok, just C then. She can wear Doc Martens and a pink...lace...tutu.
C: Fuck you. Although the Doc Martens are ok.
CC: I wonder who’d win...C would win because she’s, like, violent. I’m nonviolent. I’m like the Care Bears. ‘Here, take my love!’
C: You drew a bunny with a bowtie beside your signature?
O: It’s valid. It’s my official signature. It’s on all my traveller’s cheques.
C: You are such a dork.
O: It’s from Sailor Moon!
O: So where does sex fit into this? You can’t have sex in Heaven; you can’t have sex in Hell, so now is the only time? So you should have lots?
C: ...Although he doesn’t have bloodflow and how the mechanism is supposed to work, and no one would tell me.
O: Nitrous oxide....so yes, that’s how vampire sex works.
O: You know how we evolved from people from the sea? We evolved from sea monsters. And that came out all wrong.
O: It’s the way I see you.
C: Thank you O***. I’m so flattered that you see darkness in my eyes.
O: But it’s a happy darkness.
CC: What do you see in my eyes?
O: Singing Disney animals.
__________________________
S: We have an organism in our fridge that gives off gas or something.
C&H: What?
B: You’ve created a new form of life.
S: ...And then you pour the salsa or whatever and you pour it in a bowl and it looks a little more bubbly than usual, but whatever. You smell it and it’s fine, but you taste it and no...and then you forget to recycle it or whatever and you leave it beside the sink for a week or something and then it explodes in a cloud of mist...and then I poured it down the sink and it clogged...my girlfriend gets pissed at me, because now everything I take out of her fridge, I smell it...
__________________________
T: Maybe something more peaceful. Teletubbies!
C: I am not. downloading. teletubbies. If I ever do, please kill me.
T: I have watched an episode of Teletubbies once.
C: Would you like me to kill you?
T: No. I came back from it a bitter and wiser person.
T: V** gave me a private talk on how I should curb my childishness while working on a nuclear reactor.
C: You can tell kids the most incredible lies...
CC: And they believe you! My nephews were over and my mum picked them up one in each arm and was like ‘I’m going to eat you!’ and J just started crying...she was like ‘No, don’t!’
C: Did you ever see Fred & Anna? It was this sex-ed video with cartoons...
CC: Oh, was that the one with the flying boobies and the flying penises singing ‘my body...’? I think that was the only sex ed I’ve ever had. I don’t think I had it anywhere...no, no, at school.
CC: I don’t know what to say when they’re like ‘we connect’ other than bite my tongue and try not to laugh. What would you say?
T: I would laugh.
S: So, you could buy like a packet of Play-dough...
A: Oh, I heard Plato...
H: Why wouldn’t you want an Irish accent?
A: But it’s scary.
S: I’d like one, but a 5”8, 6”2 tall guy...
H: Was that Alfie-Walfie?
C: Yes. Please never call him that again.
H: I’ll never call him that again.
H: Don’t fucking do that! (to Jet)
C: You’re going to teach him bad language!
H: True. Fuck yooouuu...
C: Hey!
C: So. Termites anecdotes?
T: I can tell you about natural gas...
C: Can you not?
T: You talked about your sphere or influence.
C: Termites are not exactly my sphere of influence. You didn’t even have a segueway.
T: One could say the chimneys of natural gas power plants look like termite mounds.
CC: You know how you can tell when someone wants to kiss you?
C: They get that look...
CC: And he was moving his face closer, and I was like ‘I can’t see the hockey game...’
A1: Looking at C’s face makes me gassy.
C: It’s my superpower.
P1: You make people uncomfortable.
C: I make them gassy.
P1: Yeah, like... ‘I think I need to fart...’ ...you know what you could do to make people really uncomfortable? Flirt with them. Because I don’t think you’re the kind of person who normally does that. Like, if S2 sat down beside you and you were like ‘heyyyyyy big boy...’
W: So would only a vegan have organic semen?
P1: I don’t know how this Wikipedia article trail started, but I ended up on Ron Jeremy’s page and it says that he’s getting more and more popular because woman want to have sex with a man who doesn’t take Viagra and he doesn’t.
A1: What is it, like, organic porn?
A1: ‘I’m not a girl; not yet a woman...’
S8: Oh god...
P1: The way you sing it, it sounds like a country song.
A1: It should have been! It should have been a song for paedophiles!
P1: Sometimes I don’t wonder why certain people in this school don’t talk to us.
S2: That was fast.
C: I’m efficient.
P1: I love how you describe yourself as a machine. ‘I’m efficient.’
L: I can’t really picture you as someone who has their wedding pictures on Facebook.
P1: I like my wife!
L: I know it’s just, you know...
*C takes out notebook*
P1: Change like to love, please.
P1: You and your hormones.
V: They are a bit rabid and they take me to bad places.
K4: Last night the clown was yelling about html.
Q: I know everyone’s stressed out and it’s the end of the semester...
A1: I’m not stressed out; I just really don’t think you should wear earmuffs.
Q: Quit talking about the earmuffs.
P1: Something about you, C, tells me that in high school, all the nerds and geeks would have had a secret crush on you if you didn’t keep beating them up.
J2: It works. I can see it.
P1: Like, you probably wouldn’t physically beat them up, but they’d be like ‘hi, C, wanna go to the dance with me?’ and you’d be like ‘Why would I want to go with you’...
C: Mud wrestling!
P1: She wants us to mud wrestle.
A1: Jello shots!
P1: I’m going to be a great father.
C: I cannot wait ‘til you reproduce.
A1: Me neither. Can we have playdates when your kids kick my kids’ asses?
P1: They’ll bite them.
A: Actually, they may not do too bad, O***’s pretty bulky and I figure your kids are going to have birth defects or something because you’re all fucked up
P1: I’m going to teach them to hate all the right things and all the right people...
P1: Those poor geeks in high school.
C: I had friends who were geeks.
P1: You thought you were friends...They probably had, like, shrines to you and collected your hair.
A1: It’s ok; they’ve probably got computer science degrees and are dating bimbos now.
C: I actually murdered some of my imaginary friends when I was little. It was a bad day.
K5: The McCord museum has a Robert Munsch exhibit. It’s really good.
A1: Oh yeah, she’d love that.
same time: K1: Paper Bag Princess! & A1: The Scream!
P1: That’s the kind of talk I’ve been missing from you first years: ‘I want to kill myself.’ None of this ‘you’re so negative.’
P1: She’ll usually not post it, like, if you have a wife or husband and...
?: I better get a husband.
P1: You came to the right place. Like 3 straight guys in the whole program.
V: Well you don’t really experience it because once you get there it gets diffused because you’re male.
P: What? What about my maleness gets diffused?
A1: You look like a girl today.
C: I do?
A1: Is that your necklace matching your shirt I see?
C: I’ve been wearing this necklace for 3 days and I just put on this shirt..
A1: Sure....
Q: Who’d you take: Park vs. Large?
P: In a mudwrestling match?
K1: I can’t wait to retire.
Q: You can’t wait to retire? You haven’t started working.
P1: I can’t wait to retire either. Everytime I cross the street, I’m like ‘someone rich hit me, so I can sue.’
P1: It’s not a good idea to test your partner. Does he love me more than cigarettes? Does he love me more than video games? ‘Cause you gotta know where you rank. Ok, so I’m above cigarettes and below video games...
K1: Just so long as I’m above cigarettes, I don’t care about video games. I beat Super Mario Cart? last night!
Q: I’m like ‘this is stupid; these people have no arms!’
P1: They live downhill from the rich people so they all have birth defects. Didn’t you people listen to the theme song?
P1: Tell them you have a boyfriend.
C: Yeah, like they’ll believe that.
P1: I’ll make a Facebook page! What do you want this guy’s name to be? Eduardo?
P1: I could write cutesy messages on your wall as Eduardo.
C: Like I’d ever date someone who’d write cutesy fucking messages.
P1: You’re going to be alone your whole life.
AB: You just buy the kit from Loblaws and you build it with the icing. And you build it and then you smash it. I cut my hand that way once. I ate the bloody shards, though, don’t worry. (on gingerbread houses)
A: Another reason to get out of your parent’s house is when your mother thinks boxers can be hand-me-downs.
T: Do you mind if I throw a pillow at you?
A: You’re so polite; I don’t know that I can say no.
O: I always end up wearing odd things when my grandmother comes, because she wants me to, like, dress sexy...this is the grandmother who when we went to Amsterdam she took me to the red light district because she wanted to see the naked ladies...she said if she were me, she’d walk around naked all day.
O: And you lived next to this girl called ***
CC: Who always bit me, yeah...I was telling C before about how I had this neighbour who always bit me. I would come home covered in bite marks. She was very sweet....she was very sweet, except when she bit me.
CC: I remember she had chicken pox and mum made me hang out with her because she wanted me to catch it.
C: Did you?
CC: Yeah. I was pretty miserable. Itchy.
O: Were you the one who gave me chicken pox?
CC: When I get married, I am so making you wear lace. We should both do it.
O: No. When I get married, I would make my bridesmaids look beautiful and expect them to do the same for me.
CC: Ok, just C then. She can wear Doc Martens and a pink...lace...tutu.
C: Fuck you. Although the Doc Martens are ok.
CC: I wonder who’d win...C would win because she’s, like, violent. I’m nonviolent. I’m like the Care Bears. ‘Here, take my love!’
C: You drew a bunny with a bowtie beside your signature?
O: It’s valid. It’s my official signature. It’s on all my traveller’s cheques.
C: You are such a dork.
O: It’s from Sailor Moon!
O: So where does sex fit into this? You can’t have sex in Heaven; you can’t have sex in Hell, so now is the only time? So you should have lots?
C: ...Although he doesn’t have bloodflow and how the mechanism is supposed to work, and no one would tell me.
O: Nitrous oxide....so yes, that’s how vampire sex works.
O: You know how we evolved from people from the sea? We evolved from sea monsters. And that came out all wrong.
O: It’s the way I see you.
C: Thank you O***. I’m so flattered that you see darkness in my eyes.
O: But it’s a happy darkness.
CC: What do you see in my eyes?
O: Singing Disney animals.
__________________________
S: We have an organism in our fridge that gives off gas or something.
C&H: What?
B: You’ve created a new form of life.
S: ...And then you pour the salsa or whatever and you pour it in a bowl and it looks a little more bubbly than usual, but whatever. You smell it and it’s fine, but you taste it and no...and then you forget to recycle it or whatever and you leave it beside the sink for a week or something and then it explodes in a cloud of mist...and then I poured it down the sink and it clogged...my girlfriend gets pissed at me, because now everything I take out of her fridge, I smell it...
__________________________
T: Maybe something more peaceful. Teletubbies!
C: I am not. downloading. teletubbies. If I ever do, please kill me.
T: I have watched an episode of Teletubbies once.
C: Would you like me to kill you?
T: No. I came back from it a bitter and wiser person.
T: V** gave me a private talk on how I should curb my childishness while working on a nuclear reactor.
C: You can tell kids the most incredible lies...
CC: And they believe you! My nephews were over and my mum picked them up one in each arm and was like ‘I’m going to eat you!’ and J just started crying...she was like ‘No, don’t!’
C: Did you ever see Fred & Anna? It was this sex-ed video with cartoons...
CC: Oh, was that the one with the flying boobies and the flying penises singing ‘my body...’? I think that was the only sex ed I’ve ever had. I don’t think I had it anywhere...no, no, at school.
CC: I don’t know what to say when they’re like ‘we connect’ other than bite my tongue and try not to laugh. What would you say?
T: I would laugh.
S: So, you could buy like a packet of Play-dough...
A: Oh, I heard Plato...
H: Why wouldn’t you want an Irish accent?
A: But it’s scary.
S: I’d like one, but a 5”8, 6”2 tall guy...
H: Was that Alfie-Walfie?
C: Yes. Please never call him that again.
H: I’ll never call him that again.
H: Don’t fucking do that! (to Jet)
C: You’re going to teach him bad language!
H: True. Fuck yooouuu...
C: Hey!
C: So. Termites anecdotes?
T: I can tell you about natural gas...
C: Can you not?
T: You talked about your sphere or influence.
C: Termites are not exactly my sphere of influence. You didn’t even have a segueway.
T: One could say the chimneys of natural gas power plants look like termite mounds.
CC: You know how you can tell when someone wants to kiss you?
C: They get that look...
CC: And he was moving his face closer, and I was like ‘I can’t see the hockey game...’
November 18, 2008: Toes aren't as bad as an unbent elbow
C2: Plus, it was full of grammar mistakes.
S1: I know, that is such a turn-off.
C2: No commas, spelling errors...
J1: They were like ‘Does it do double-sided?’ I don’t fucking know! We photocopied our hands!
W: A thousand dollars to sell your body? I think it should be more.
C: Yeah...
S1: It’s five thousand for your torso. But then you’d be dead.
W: It costs more to buy a torso than your entire body? I guess it’s the labour involved...
K1: Would you take a poop log?
S1: Would I do what with a poop log?
K1: Would you take a poop log for someone?
S1: Like record the sounds or something?
A1: Do it, just so I can secretly know that someone peed in the sink.
S1: It’s easier for boys, though.
C: Get P**** to do it.
S1: I’m sure P*** would pee in the sink for you.
A1: That sounds....wrong.
K1: I know, eh?
S1: Will you pee in the sink for A****?
P1: Sure.
K4: Just for A***, or for any of us?
S1: Because I would have to, like squat, and it’s all awkward.
A1: I’ve peed in a sink before; it’s not that bad.
A1: I’ve peed on car bumpers! In the winter.
C: Why did I hit P***, by the way?
K4: He’s been hitting me. He’s been hitting me ‘till I hit back but I won’t hit back. But I’ve found outsourcing works. And people are surprisingly willing to hit P****. Like, you didn’t even stop to ask why.
V: Wow, I was just doing the imperial death march, and now you sound like Darth Vader.
C: Go team?
V: I know; it’s very intuitive.
P1: We need a new Enlightenment. The first one didn’t...
C: Take.
P1: Take, yes. That’s exactly what I was thinking.
P1: You’re a PC. You keep crashing all the time.
C: Ouch.
P1: I’ve seen you lying on the couch, twitching...You’re a PC.
C: That’s depressing.
P1: And I’m a MAC. I’ve got all these cool abilities, but I never use them because you’re used to using a PC....I don’t think that’s any better.
C: I probably stayed in the pod longer.
P1: Yes, exactly! When my pod crashed, the stasis broke and I started developing right away and was adopted by my parents. But your pod took longer to crack, which is why you’re four years younger.
P1: And we were placed here as an experiment. When it was originally colonised, they placed two beings here, one that’s emotional all the time and one that just likes killing things.....this was before they realised at home that these people should be killed at birth. At home they’re all like us.
C: Maybe we’ll get to go home one day.
A1: It’s like birthing an alien baby – you just want to get it done.
P1: And we’ve all been there...
J1: Don’t they just do the jobs that the Americans don’t want?
A1: Yeah, but we’re proud of those jobs! They’re the jobs they write country songs about! It’s a big industry...
V (on pubic hair): I think at one point it was there to keep like twigs and berries...
V: And this guy wrote ‘To the guy who took a crap on my bicycle seat. Wow.’
P1: That takes talent.
V: The sheer logistics of it...
J1: I love Craigslist. It got me a bicycle.
C: And a photocopier.
J1: I kind of hate Craigslist.
P1: I’m right and everyone else is confused! This is the first time this semester!
P1: What do you mean “two-pronged”?!?
V: Like, *gestures*.
W: Because some animals have one bone in their penis and others have two...
P1: If a ninja vampire had a baby with a pirate werewolf, it would be Indiana Jones, according to C.
A1: That’s kind of anticlimactic.
P1: You can’t pack that much awesomeness in one person. Like, it could be all those things but it would probably still vote for Stephen Harper.
V: I just picture sand as like a yeast infection waiting to happen...
P1: Yeah, there are some places you just don’t want to exfoliate.
V: It’s like a small country, this cookie. I just ate Guam.
W: That’s a territory.
V: That’s a territory.
P1: You just ate Liechtenstein.
P1: I’m surprised our exam wasn’t on pink paper.
Q: I’m surprised he didn’t show up in drag.
P1: Cannibalism is technically vegan.
Q: What, because humans aren’t animals?
A1 (on photos): because it’s election day! I want to remember it.
P1: Remember it with your fucking brain!
A1: You know my brain doesn’t work.
S7: I tried to make rice crispie squares and it was disastrous.
S1: How hard can it be? I did it when I was twelve.
P1: Toes aren’t as bad as an unbent elbow...there are no possible ways an unbent elbow can be sexy or attractive.
A1: I’m sure there’s a fetish. Like, it looks like nipples....it’s maybe like a 30-year-old nipple after breast-feeding.
A1: What would you get if you had to give everyone the same thing for Christmas?
Q: Chocolate.
S1: Socks.
A1: I like hers.
P1: Fellatio.
P1: Every conversation I have with you people, I lose more and more respect for you. First porn clubs, then Mormon porn...
S1: ‘Ye gods’ – you wrote ‘ye gods’?
C: Yes. Yes I did.
S1: What’s this, ‘death to penis’?
C: Pennies!
V: This is what I think of you, case study.
C: That’s a little creepy.
V: I bleed on you. I am creepy.
P: If you want to get sick and miss class, I can spit in your mouth or your food.
A1: I touched the keyboard in the lab – I’m probably going to get sick anyway.
S1: I know, that is such a turn-off.
C2: No commas, spelling errors...
J1: They were like ‘Does it do double-sided?’ I don’t fucking know! We photocopied our hands!
W: A thousand dollars to sell your body? I think it should be more.
C: Yeah...
S1: It’s five thousand for your torso. But then you’d be dead.
W: It costs more to buy a torso than your entire body? I guess it’s the labour involved...
K1: Would you take a poop log?
S1: Would I do what with a poop log?
K1: Would you take a poop log for someone?
S1: Like record the sounds or something?
A1: Do it, just so I can secretly know that someone peed in the sink.
S1: It’s easier for boys, though.
C: Get P**** to do it.
S1: I’m sure P*** would pee in the sink for you.
A1: That sounds....wrong.
K1: I know, eh?
S1: Will you pee in the sink for A****?
P1: Sure.
K4: Just for A***, or for any of us?
S1: Because I would have to, like squat, and it’s all awkward.
A1: I’ve peed in a sink before; it’s not that bad.
A1: I’ve peed on car bumpers! In the winter.
C: Why did I hit P***, by the way?
K4: He’s been hitting me. He’s been hitting me ‘till I hit back but I won’t hit back. But I’ve found outsourcing works. And people are surprisingly willing to hit P****. Like, you didn’t even stop to ask why.
V: Wow, I was just doing the imperial death march, and now you sound like Darth Vader.
C: Go team?
V: I know; it’s very intuitive.
P1: We need a new Enlightenment. The first one didn’t...
C: Take.
P1: Take, yes. That’s exactly what I was thinking.
P1: You’re a PC. You keep crashing all the time.
C: Ouch.
P1: I’ve seen you lying on the couch, twitching...You’re a PC.
C: That’s depressing.
P1: And I’m a MAC. I’ve got all these cool abilities, but I never use them because you’re used to using a PC....I don’t think that’s any better.
C: I probably stayed in the pod longer.
P1: Yes, exactly! When my pod crashed, the stasis broke and I started developing right away and was adopted by my parents. But your pod took longer to crack, which is why you’re four years younger.
P1: And we were placed here as an experiment. When it was originally colonised, they placed two beings here, one that’s emotional all the time and one that just likes killing things.....this was before they realised at home that these people should be killed at birth. At home they’re all like us.
C: Maybe we’ll get to go home one day.
A1: It’s like birthing an alien baby – you just want to get it done.
P1: And we’ve all been there...
J1: Don’t they just do the jobs that the Americans don’t want?
A1: Yeah, but we’re proud of those jobs! They’re the jobs they write country songs about! It’s a big industry...
V (on pubic hair): I think at one point it was there to keep like twigs and berries...
V: And this guy wrote ‘To the guy who took a crap on my bicycle seat. Wow.’
P1: That takes talent.
V: The sheer logistics of it...
J1: I love Craigslist. It got me a bicycle.
C: And a photocopier.
J1: I kind of hate Craigslist.
P1: I’m right and everyone else is confused! This is the first time this semester!
P1: What do you mean “two-pronged”?!?
V: Like, *gestures*.
W: Because some animals have one bone in their penis and others have two...
P1: If a ninja vampire had a baby with a pirate werewolf, it would be Indiana Jones, according to C.
A1: That’s kind of anticlimactic.
P1: You can’t pack that much awesomeness in one person. Like, it could be all those things but it would probably still vote for Stephen Harper.
V: I just picture sand as like a yeast infection waiting to happen...
P1: Yeah, there are some places you just don’t want to exfoliate.
V: It’s like a small country, this cookie. I just ate Guam.
W: That’s a territory.
V: That’s a territory.
P1: You just ate Liechtenstein.
P1: I’m surprised our exam wasn’t on pink paper.
Q: I’m surprised he didn’t show up in drag.
P1: Cannibalism is technically vegan.
Q: What, because humans aren’t animals?
A1 (on photos): because it’s election day! I want to remember it.
P1: Remember it with your fucking brain!
A1: You know my brain doesn’t work.
S7: I tried to make rice crispie squares and it was disastrous.
S1: How hard can it be? I did it when I was twelve.
P1: Toes aren’t as bad as an unbent elbow...there are no possible ways an unbent elbow can be sexy or attractive.
A1: I’m sure there’s a fetish. Like, it looks like nipples....it’s maybe like a 30-year-old nipple after breast-feeding.
A1: What would you get if you had to give everyone the same thing for Christmas?
Q: Chocolate.
S1: Socks.
A1: I like hers.
P1: Fellatio.
P1: Every conversation I have with you people, I lose more and more respect for you. First porn clubs, then Mormon porn...
S1: ‘Ye gods’ – you wrote ‘ye gods’?
C: Yes. Yes I did.
S1: What’s this, ‘death to penis’?
C: Pennies!
V: This is what I think of you, case study.
C: That’s a little creepy.
V: I bleed on you. I am creepy.
P: If you want to get sick and miss class, I can spit in your mouth or your food.
A1: I touched the keyboard in the lab – I’m probably going to get sick anyway.
October 26, 2008: the Island of Misfit Toys
S1: Where’s your tan line?! You were supposed to be getting a tan!
K4: ...ok, so, this guy was like “I’m getting married” and we’re like ‘oh, that’s nice” and then he said “We’re getting married. But were not..” and we were like “engaged?..” and he said “no..we’re getting married but we – how you say it in English? – Gangbang.”
K4: We met a bachelor party. And the bachelor was in love with W***.....and then he went up to her and was like “I want to taste your lips. I don’t want to make love to you; I want to taste your lips. I can feel myself inside you...”
J1: I’m not here. I’m here in spirit but my body’s not here. No. Wait. The other way around. I’m here in body but my spirit’s at home...
J1: It’s good that you’re confident in your sexuality.
P1: I am. I was telling A*** that there are three pictures from this weekend of me kissing guys..
P1: So she was like “I want to take a picture of you guys!” and I was thinking I was going to kiss him and he wouldn’t guess and he was like ‘I’m going to lick his face and he won’t suspect it’ and she took the picture at just the right moment when he was licking my lips.
J1: There’s always that moment when the class is zoning out and she calls some StatsCan website “sexy”...
P1: Little do they know...
P1: Apparently fresh bread is the most potent aphrodisiac....so be very suspicious of boys offering you fresh bread. ‘Would you like some bread? It’s fresh! Have a whiff..’ ; ‘Are you trying to seduce me?’
P1: There’s a hair on my shoe. It’s probably J**’s.
P1: He’s like a cross between Q and me except tall and with glasses and better-looking.
S8: So why exactly is he a cross between you guys?
P1: That was the joke. And ouch.
A1: I always picture humans turning into hamsters or gerbils or something; you have too many children: you eat someone. Although in our case you just let them die...
A1: She totally reminds me of that rabbit that’s in your backyard sniffing at your lettuce and your dog goes to sniff its butt and it bites your dog’s head off. That to me is Sarah Palin. Those big eyes...the vampire rabbit!
A1: It’s fun here...it’s Stockholm Syndrome, that’s what it is!
Q: Well, I am Swedish.
A1: I love P...K’s so friendly...
A1: There’s nothing better than vodka with, like, ten olives. It’s practically a condiment!
P1: Have you ever found a really long white hair somewhere on your body?
S8 How long exactly?
P1: I never thought of that. To think of how depressing this school is – how much more depressing it would be as a single girl. Not to rub it in your faces...
(on dating someone also in library school)
P1: Plus, you could have ‘If you do the project, I’ll give you sexual favours’
S8: I’d do that.
P1: I’ll cook, clean and screw you, I’ll cook you clean you...you know what I mean.
A1: I’m supposed to stay positive. I can’t talk to you anymore.
P1: Is that what he said?
A1: No.
P1: We were talking about how we wished we had more orifices that would feel pleasurable if you inserted things in them, but then they would get infected.
P1: I think most of the second-years know that you’re evil. You’re like an evil bunny. Cute, but deadly.
C: ...Thanks?
____
OH: That sounds reasonable. Sad, and dark, but reasonable.
TNV: As are most things about C.
O: I want to walk and talk so I can get to my hockey game on time. I am clapping my hands to reinforce the point....there was probably a saner way to say that but it did not occur to me at the time.
C: I think you should get totally shitfaced and we could take pictures.
O: I love you too, C.
CC: Would you hang out with me if I wore a bonnet? Like, down the street?
C: I dunno.
CC: That crosses the line?
C: It’s pretty lose. I dunno. Would you hang out with me if I wore a bonnet?
T: Would there be any difference?
O: I would have been Bavarian Girl #6
CC: Ovarian?
O: Shut up!
O: So tell me about your new boyfriend Ulrich.
CC: Size does matter.
O: What?
CC: He taught me size does matter. He keeps me happy in bed..
O: If you weren’t dating Ulrich, I totally would.
CC: You know, if he met you, he’s probably want us to have a threesome.
O: That sounds like Ulrich.
O: I’ve always wanted to see a boy with a retainer.
CC: He’s an underwear model. Isn’t that hot?
T: He’s a rabbi! That’s hot!
O: He’s unique...
T: He plays the baroque lute!
CC: I guess it’s kinda hard to tell if a guy’s a virgin, eh?
T: It’s kinda hard to prove a girl’s a virgin; you don’t usually look at their hymen in casual conversation.
O: When I worked at Hooter’s, I prayed and prayed for God to make me a lesbian.
CC: Why?
O: The girls there were hot.
T: ... when you sneaked into the museum and did illicit things with the dinosaurs...
C: What is with you and dinosaurs, T?
T: They’re big!
C: I understand that size matters, but that much?
O: What are you doing?
CC: I’m fertilizing you with my sperm!
CC: Why is my name on your condom? That isn’t right.
CC: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to jerk off your finger. Please forgive me.
O: Tell it to the condom.
_____
P1: I was like, did you meet a guy? No, your sister has a new kitten.
C: He’s two and a half pounds!!!!
P1: You look like you’d be happy if someone, anywhere, got a new kitten.
J1: That was actually the first thing I thought about when they photocopied their faces: all that fucking toner!
P1: You’re going to be a great public librarian.
P1: That’s why she’s so happy today. I thought she met a boy.
Q: Kittens are better. They last longer.
S1: I never had an allergic reaction to a boyfriend. Well....although he had three cats so maybe that’s why.
P1: I can think of someone, as soon as I saw her face, I didn’t like her....it’s not any of you, god!
W: KITTEN!
C: *grins madly* The sad thing is, it works...
A1: Scientology must be a fascinating field.
A1: Do you want me to work on it?
P1: No, I mean having the penis on the outside. It should be retractable.
A1: Oh....that was awkward.
A1: But lotion has alcohol in it, doesn’t it? It would chafe.
Q: How do you know so much?
A1: Well, obviously I moisturize.
S1: Anyone who wants to be a librarian is going to be odd. Like, look around.
Q: I know; last year I felt like it was the Island of Misfit Toys.
P1: I just wanted to work in New Brunswick at a job that wasn’t inherently evil.
S1: I just gave up on life...
S8: Is Stargate the one with the guy with the evil genie eyebrows?
P1: If I can make a person not feel special, it makes my day. If that person is C, it makes my week!
Q: What’s disgusting?
A1: When a dog eats catshit.
Q: The love it!
A1: You know why? Because it’s full of protein.
C: Why do you eat it if it gives you a headache? You could get something without MSG.
V: Why do people have anal sex? Because they like it.
C: That’s an unusual analogy...
K4: ...ok, so, this guy was like “I’m getting married” and we’re like ‘oh, that’s nice” and then he said “We’re getting married. But were not..” and we were like “engaged?..” and he said “no..we’re getting married but we – how you say it in English? – Gangbang.”
K4: We met a bachelor party. And the bachelor was in love with W***.....and then he went up to her and was like “I want to taste your lips. I don’t want to make love to you; I want to taste your lips. I can feel myself inside you...”
J1: I’m not here. I’m here in spirit but my body’s not here. No. Wait. The other way around. I’m here in body but my spirit’s at home...
J1: It’s good that you’re confident in your sexuality.
P1: I am. I was telling A*** that there are three pictures from this weekend of me kissing guys..
P1: So she was like “I want to take a picture of you guys!” and I was thinking I was going to kiss him and he wouldn’t guess and he was like ‘I’m going to lick his face and he won’t suspect it’ and she took the picture at just the right moment when he was licking my lips.
J1: There’s always that moment when the class is zoning out and she calls some StatsCan website “sexy”...
P1: Little do they know...
P1: Apparently fresh bread is the most potent aphrodisiac....so be very suspicious of boys offering you fresh bread. ‘Would you like some bread? It’s fresh! Have a whiff..’ ; ‘Are you trying to seduce me?’
P1: There’s a hair on my shoe. It’s probably J**’s.
P1: He’s like a cross between Q and me except tall and with glasses and better-looking.
S8: So why exactly is he a cross between you guys?
P1: That was the joke. And ouch.
A1: I always picture humans turning into hamsters or gerbils or something; you have too many children: you eat someone. Although in our case you just let them die...
A1: She totally reminds me of that rabbit that’s in your backyard sniffing at your lettuce and your dog goes to sniff its butt and it bites your dog’s head off. That to me is Sarah Palin. Those big eyes...the vampire rabbit!
A1: It’s fun here...it’s Stockholm Syndrome, that’s what it is!
Q: Well, I am Swedish.
A1: I love P...K’s so friendly...
A1: There’s nothing better than vodka with, like, ten olives. It’s practically a condiment!
P1: Have you ever found a really long white hair somewhere on your body?
S8 How long exactly?
P1: I never thought of that. To think of how depressing this school is – how much more depressing it would be as a single girl. Not to rub it in your faces...
(on dating someone also in library school)
P1: Plus, you could have ‘If you do the project, I’ll give you sexual favours’
S8: I’d do that.
P1: I’ll cook, clean and screw you, I’ll cook you clean you...you know what I mean.
A1: I’m supposed to stay positive. I can’t talk to you anymore.
P1: Is that what he said?
A1: No.
P1: We were talking about how we wished we had more orifices that would feel pleasurable if you inserted things in them, but then they would get infected.
P1: I think most of the second-years know that you’re evil. You’re like an evil bunny. Cute, but deadly.
C: ...Thanks?
____
OH: That sounds reasonable. Sad, and dark, but reasonable.
TNV: As are most things about C.
O: I want to walk and talk so I can get to my hockey game on time. I am clapping my hands to reinforce the point....there was probably a saner way to say that but it did not occur to me at the time.
C: I think you should get totally shitfaced and we could take pictures.
O: I love you too, C.
CC: Would you hang out with me if I wore a bonnet? Like, down the street?
C: I dunno.
CC: That crosses the line?
C: It’s pretty lose. I dunno. Would you hang out with me if I wore a bonnet?
T: Would there be any difference?
O: I would have been Bavarian Girl #6
CC: Ovarian?
O: Shut up!
O: So tell me about your new boyfriend Ulrich.
CC: Size does matter.
O: What?
CC: He taught me size does matter. He keeps me happy in bed..
O: If you weren’t dating Ulrich, I totally would.
CC: You know, if he met you, he’s probably want us to have a threesome.
O: That sounds like Ulrich.
O: I’ve always wanted to see a boy with a retainer.
CC: He’s an underwear model. Isn’t that hot?
T: He’s a rabbi! That’s hot!
O: He’s unique...
T: He plays the baroque lute!
CC: I guess it’s kinda hard to tell if a guy’s a virgin, eh?
T: It’s kinda hard to prove a girl’s a virgin; you don’t usually look at their hymen in casual conversation.
O: When I worked at Hooter’s, I prayed and prayed for God to make me a lesbian.
CC: Why?
O: The girls there were hot.
T: ... when you sneaked into the museum and did illicit things with the dinosaurs...
C: What is with you and dinosaurs, T?
T: They’re big!
C: I understand that size matters, but that much?
O: What are you doing?
CC: I’m fertilizing you with my sperm!
CC: Why is my name on your condom? That isn’t right.
CC: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to jerk off your finger. Please forgive me.
O: Tell it to the condom.
_____
P1: I was like, did you meet a guy? No, your sister has a new kitten.
C: He’s two and a half pounds!!!!
P1: You look like you’d be happy if someone, anywhere, got a new kitten.
J1: That was actually the first thing I thought about when they photocopied their faces: all that fucking toner!
P1: You’re going to be a great public librarian.
P1: That’s why she’s so happy today. I thought she met a boy.
Q: Kittens are better. They last longer.
S1: I never had an allergic reaction to a boyfriend. Well....although he had three cats so maybe that’s why.
P1: I can think of someone, as soon as I saw her face, I didn’t like her....it’s not any of you, god!
W: KITTEN!
C: *grins madly* The sad thing is, it works...
A1: Scientology must be a fascinating field.
A1: Do you want me to work on it?
P1: No, I mean having the penis on the outside. It should be retractable.
A1: Oh....that was awkward.
A1: But lotion has alcohol in it, doesn’t it? It would chafe.
Q: How do you know so much?
A1: Well, obviously I moisturize.
S1: Anyone who wants to be a librarian is going to be odd. Like, look around.
Q: I know; last year I felt like it was the Island of Misfit Toys.
P1: I just wanted to work in New Brunswick at a job that wasn’t inherently evil.
S1: I just gave up on life...
S8: Is Stargate the one with the guy with the evil genie eyebrows?
P1: If I can make a person not feel special, it makes my day. If that person is C, it makes my week!
Q: What’s disgusting?
A1: When a dog eats catshit.
Q: The love it!
A1: You know why? Because it’s full of protein.
C: Why do you eat it if it gives you a headache? You could get something without MSG.
V: Why do people have anal sex? Because they like it.
C: That’s an unusual analogy...
October 5, 2008: And if you pay them, they put them right in your face
P1: With your brain, probably the things that happen in your dreams have a real effect on your brain.
J3: So is this going to last, do you think?
P1: From the messages she leaves on his Facebook wall, yeah. She’s like retarded for him.
V: Does anyone else want to talk about their embarrassing stories? No? Just me?
J3: You’re holding your own.
J1: What’s he doing at 10pm on a Wednesday night carrying a bag of apples? Is it a way to pick up girls? Because that’s really lame.
J1: And he was like ‘You have Kinder; I have pot! We trade, ja?’
V: Kinder?
J1: Like, Kinder eggs.
V: Oh. That doesn’t seem like a fair trade.
J3: How many Kinder eggs?
J1: I dunno...
P1: I don’t remember when I met you before I knew you were gay.
Q: It’s like a love song...
Q: Canadians are very confusing. I’m talking to a guy for like an hour and I think he’s hitting on me – and then he’s like ‘I gotta go call my girlfriend.’
P1: Maybe they were. I hit on you all the time. And S***.
Q: S***’s already got a boyfriend
...
S2: You’ve got competition, P****.
P1: I don’t think it’s ‘competition’ when I’m sleeping with both of you.
Q: It’s like Cabaret!
P1: But that lemming thing isn’t true; Disney threw them off the side of a cliff in Alberta.
P1: Rabbit is an idiot! Like, relax buddy, it’s just carrots!!
Q: Tigger could be annoying too.
Q: It’s like Brer Rabbit meets Adolf Hitler.
C: Yeah, it’s like 1984 for bunnies.
Q: Did you see the one where this cat tried to control the universe? He had this psychic rat and controls... - the thing I didn’t get was: cats already do that!
P1: I forget what the other reference to bricking in someone’s face was, but there were two. Shit a brick.
Q: Oh god.
P1: I think it was about his wife...
P1: It’s so weird looking at you when you’re upside down. I don’t know where to look, so I’m looking you in the teeth.
Q: Oh, she’s getting the notebook out.
P1: At least she’s coherent enough for that....’Cause, like, your teeth are where your eyes should be.
C: You’re a very weird person, P***.
P1: I am a very weird person. But, coming from you, that’s something.
Q: Yeah, if C says it...
J7: Do you think we need to improve things so that people feel that same assurance with electronic documents?
K1: I think that will come as a certain generation dies out...
P1: She was like lying there and twitching and having seizures while Q** and I were trying to talk. She kept interrupting us with our concern for her well-being.
K1: What are you eating?
C: Jello. It’s not solid food, so my stomach might not notice it’s there.
Q: What is that, squid ink?
C: Grape jello....
P1: What’s a turn-off?
Q: Smoking.
P1: Oh. I though you said ‘when they sing.’ If they’re bad, maybe...
K1: *siiiiiigggghhh*
P1: That’s like the call of the library school student.
Q: I did that today.
P1: ...these long drawn out sighs...
K1: I hate it here.
P1: If this school was a person, I’d kill it. Even if it was a baby. I’d drown it in bathwater.
K1: Or if it were a kitten.
Q: Or if it were a French woman with bleach-blonde hair...
P1: You shouldn’t have put it on Facebook.
K1: I wasn’t the one who put it there.
Q: Oh, so he’s bragging about you.
K1: I don’t care about these things.
P1: Your boyfriend?!
K! No!
Q: Doesn’t she look like the Joker?
S7: Yeah, she kinda does.
C: I’m just...
Q: Out of it?
C: Yeah....and I’m not even that heavily medicated now. Later...that’s my plan.
Q: You worry me.
S1: And there were more penises than I’ve ever seen in my life – except in movies – but they’re, like, in the same room...
W: And if you pay them they put them right in your face.
K4: Nine dollars.
S1: Right in your face! ...It’s kind of like paying someone to be the dirty flasher on the subway, but it’s a hot flasher.
W: How do you know??
S1: I went on their website.
W: Our bouncer was a stripper?!
S1: There’s an alumni night...
W: There was an amateur night. Our waiter jumped right on stage...
S1: I really think that if they could, guys would walk around all the time without pants.
C: Except in winter...
C&W: Shrinkage.
S1: You have fictional husbands; I know you do. Except they’re in books.
W: Mr. Darcy.
S1: I dunno. I don’t think he would be very good in bed. He’s great at the sexual tension, but...
S1: They’re not sideburns, they’re chops. It’s like sideburns that had babies all over their face.
S1: That’s the thing – it’s so expensive! I could stay home and get wasted for like a quarter of the price!
S1: At least in my house no one licks my face unless I want them to.
W: Sooo true.
K4: You have no sense of adventure!
W: Meningitis is not an adventure.
K4: It’s fun! People don’t always want to lick your face.
S1: Yes they do, C, yes they do. That’s all they do. Those are the only people who go there.
W: Dirty face-lickers.
S1: It’s full of guys who all they want to do is lick your face and hump your leg.
K4: Sometimes on a Saturday night all you want is to have your face licked and your leg humped.
S1: I could get a dog!
S1: Those guys don’t take no for an answer. They don’t take an elbow in the ribs for an answer either...
S1: But it’s like, so high; what if you fall off?
W: It has walls, S***.
K4: Ok, everyone who thinks S*** should dress like a hoochie, put up your hand. Ok. This is a democracy, S***....
S1: I didn’t know what it was either until K*** told me last year.
K4: Because you asked me to be your ‘fluff friend’ on Facebook. I am not doing that...
S1: ...You ruined it for me! I deleted ‘fluff friends’ because of you!
S1: Yeah, it’s called “The Fluffer” or “Fluffing” and it’s about this guy who fluffs this other guy, and I think he falls in love with the guy he fluffs.
W: His ‘fluffee’?
D1: This is the first time you’ve seen me watch a Christian Bale movie, isn’t it?
S1: Just remember he’s not really here.
J3: So is this going to last, do you think?
P1: From the messages she leaves on his Facebook wall, yeah. She’s like retarded for him.
V: Does anyone else want to talk about their embarrassing stories? No? Just me?
J3: You’re holding your own.
J1: What’s he doing at 10pm on a Wednesday night carrying a bag of apples? Is it a way to pick up girls? Because that’s really lame.
J1: And he was like ‘You have Kinder; I have pot! We trade, ja?’
V: Kinder?
J1: Like, Kinder eggs.
V: Oh. That doesn’t seem like a fair trade.
J3: How many Kinder eggs?
J1: I dunno...
P1: I don’t remember when I met you before I knew you were gay.
Q: It’s like a love song...
Q: Canadians are very confusing. I’m talking to a guy for like an hour and I think he’s hitting on me – and then he’s like ‘I gotta go call my girlfriend.’
P1: Maybe they were. I hit on you all the time. And S***.
Q: S***’s already got a boyfriend
...
S2: You’ve got competition, P****.
P1: I don’t think it’s ‘competition’ when I’m sleeping with both of you.
Q: It’s like Cabaret!
P1: But that lemming thing isn’t true; Disney threw them off the side of a cliff in Alberta.
P1: Rabbit is an idiot! Like, relax buddy, it’s just carrots!!
Q: Tigger could be annoying too.
Q: It’s like Brer Rabbit meets Adolf Hitler.
C: Yeah, it’s like 1984 for bunnies.
Q: Did you see the one where this cat tried to control the universe? He had this psychic rat and controls... - the thing I didn’t get was: cats already do that!
P1: I forget what the other reference to bricking in someone’s face was, but there were two. Shit a brick.
Q: Oh god.
P1: I think it was about his wife...
P1: It’s so weird looking at you when you’re upside down. I don’t know where to look, so I’m looking you in the teeth.
Q: Oh, she’s getting the notebook out.
P1: At least she’s coherent enough for that....’Cause, like, your teeth are where your eyes should be.
C: You’re a very weird person, P***.
P1: I am a very weird person. But, coming from you, that’s something.
Q: Yeah, if C says it...
J7: Do you think we need to improve things so that people feel that same assurance with electronic documents?
K1: I think that will come as a certain generation dies out...
P1: She was like lying there and twitching and having seizures while Q** and I were trying to talk. She kept interrupting us with our concern for her well-being.
K1: What are you eating?
C: Jello. It’s not solid food, so my stomach might not notice it’s there.
Q: What is that, squid ink?
C: Grape jello....
P1: What’s a turn-off?
Q: Smoking.
P1: Oh. I though you said ‘when they sing.’ If they’re bad, maybe...
K1: *siiiiiigggghhh*
P1: That’s like the call of the library school student.
Q: I did that today.
P1: ...these long drawn out sighs...
K1: I hate it here.
P1: If this school was a person, I’d kill it. Even if it was a baby. I’d drown it in bathwater.
K1: Or if it were a kitten.
Q: Or if it were a French woman with bleach-blonde hair...
P1: You shouldn’t have put it on Facebook.
K1: I wasn’t the one who put it there.
Q: Oh, so he’s bragging about you.
K1: I don’t care about these things.
P1: Your boyfriend?!
K! No!
Q: Doesn’t she look like the Joker?
S7: Yeah, she kinda does.
C: I’m just...
Q: Out of it?
C: Yeah....and I’m not even that heavily medicated now. Later...that’s my plan.
Q: You worry me.
S1: And there were more penises than I’ve ever seen in my life – except in movies – but they’re, like, in the same room...
W: And if you pay them they put them right in your face.
K4: Nine dollars.
S1: Right in your face! ...It’s kind of like paying someone to be the dirty flasher on the subway, but it’s a hot flasher.
W: How do you know??
S1: I went on their website.
W: Our bouncer was a stripper?!
S1: There’s an alumni night...
W: There was an amateur night. Our waiter jumped right on stage...
S1: I really think that if they could, guys would walk around all the time without pants.
C: Except in winter...
C&W: Shrinkage.
S1: You have fictional husbands; I know you do. Except they’re in books.
W: Mr. Darcy.
S1: I dunno. I don’t think he would be very good in bed. He’s great at the sexual tension, but...
S1: They’re not sideburns, they’re chops. It’s like sideburns that had babies all over their face.
S1: That’s the thing – it’s so expensive! I could stay home and get wasted for like a quarter of the price!
S1: At least in my house no one licks my face unless I want them to.
W: Sooo true.
K4: You have no sense of adventure!
W: Meningitis is not an adventure.
K4: It’s fun! People don’t always want to lick your face.
S1: Yes they do, C, yes they do. That’s all they do. Those are the only people who go there.
W: Dirty face-lickers.
S1: It’s full of guys who all they want to do is lick your face and hump your leg.
K4: Sometimes on a Saturday night all you want is to have your face licked and your leg humped.
S1: I could get a dog!
S1: Those guys don’t take no for an answer. They don’t take an elbow in the ribs for an answer either...
S1: But it’s like, so high; what if you fall off?
W: It has walls, S***.
K4: Ok, everyone who thinks S*** should dress like a hoochie, put up your hand. Ok. This is a democracy, S***....
S1: I didn’t know what it was either until K*** told me last year.
K4: Because you asked me to be your ‘fluff friend’ on Facebook. I am not doing that...
S1: ...You ruined it for me! I deleted ‘fluff friends’ because of you!
S1: Yeah, it’s called “The Fluffer” or “Fluffing” and it’s about this guy who fluffs this other guy, and I think he falls in love with the guy he fluffs.
W: His ‘fluffee’?
D1: This is the first time you’ve seen me watch a Christian Bale movie, isn’t it?
S1: Just remember he’s not really here.
September 29, 2008: There's nothing wrong with good grooming
AB: I’m used to being around all these passive women and now she’s[S] keeping him[D] in line, and she’s[CW] threatening to stab people with forks.
MW: I’ve got an idea. Instead of shaving my legs, I’ll just pour oil all over them and burn off all my hair.
V: You want to burn off your leg hair?
MW: Because I’m just so hardcore.
AB: And on the first date, which he later decided wasn’t a date, apparently, he told her that if her pants weren’t off by the fifth date, that meant she wasn’t interested.
TNV: Five dates what?
C: Pants off, apparently.
T: Oh. I thought it was three.
MW: For me, a guy has to rip all his clothes off, or it’s not good enough.
V: And burn them!
MW: If some of the clothes aren’t ripped, that’s just not good enough.
A: It’s ok being turned down by lesbians. I kind of expect it.
A: That’s not fair, you can’t take all the women.
V: I just did.
A: So we found out that S’s actually interested in women, so he’s[D] a cover, which means he’s probably interested in men and he’s trying to find out if I’m interested in men and we’re both trying to sell each other off on him...no, not M, him.[J].
..
D: I guess you won. Congrats, buddy.
A: Damn! I didn’t want to win that one. I feel so dirty.
U: I was just admiring your lashes. God, they’re so long! I just want to cut them off and put them on mine.
A: Well, MW told me to shave off half and put extensions on the other eye, so do you want half?
A: And don’t worry, we don’t have the five date rule.
CC: ...Good.
A: Good. We know what we’re getting into....That wasn’t a pun! It wasn’t! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
A: You’re not Bubby. You’re an attractive women who looks nothing like a guy.
CC: ..Thanks.
A: That wasn’t a good line, was it? Your eyes are like pools...
CC: *laughs* Can you say it in French?
A: Tu es...
JF: You know what they say about people with big hands.
A: They’re compensating.
J: They need big gloves...I like big gloves better.
A: I’m sorry. I was defending myself.
J: It’s ok. You’ll find out later.
A: [to CC] Please sit down. (i.e. between him&J)
A: I was hitting on you when I was sober; you don’t need to give me alcohol!
V: You get hit on by guys more than I do.
A: Not that many...it’s just because I’m friends with Osman! That’s why I’m still single! It’s because I hang out with Osman!
V: My dress is messed up; now I’m pregnant.
A: You could carry me home.
CC: I could piggyback you. If you held on tight and wrap your legs around...
A: I guess I have a goofy face.
D: I wasn’t going to say it, but...
A: Oh, so that’s why you like me! It’s my goofy face!
D: Apparently J does too.
J: Actually, I like your effeminate eyelashes.
T: Do you need a reason to do what?
A: To look at her funny.
T: I thought you look at everyone funny.
A: Did you want my cherry?
CC: Did you spit on it or something?
..
D: No, he said “Did you want my cherry?” and she said “Did you spit on it or something?”
T: I don’t know how you wouldn’t take that the dirty way.
D: I don’t know.
T: He’s got one to give away?
A: Were those yours? Those were very dainty toes.
J: There’s nothing wrong with good grooming.
A: No! That was the inside of my right leg! What are you, triple jointed or something? He has a third knee!!
J: Why did his pole suddenly become erect?
CC: He looks so shocked!
MW: That was not a good way to take it.
A: The monkey didn’t have boobs. What were you looking at?
J: It’s a matter of perspective.
MW: I’ve got an idea. Instead of shaving my legs, I’ll just pour oil all over them and burn off all my hair.
V: You want to burn off your leg hair?
MW: Because I’m just so hardcore.
AB: And on the first date, which he later decided wasn’t a date, apparently, he told her that if her pants weren’t off by the fifth date, that meant she wasn’t interested.
TNV: Five dates what?
C: Pants off, apparently.
T: Oh. I thought it was three.
MW: For me, a guy has to rip all his clothes off, or it’s not good enough.
V: And burn them!
MW: If some of the clothes aren’t ripped, that’s just not good enough.
A: It’s ok being turned down by lesbians. I kind of expect it.
A: That’s not fair, you can’t take all the women.
V: I just did.
A: So we found out that S’s actually interested in women, so he’s[D] a cover, which means he’s probably interested in men and he’s trying to find out if I’m interested in men and we’re both trying to sell each other off on him...no, not M, him.[J].
..
D: I guess you won. Congrats, buddy.
A: Damn! I didn’t want to win that one. I feel so dirty.
U: I was just admiring your lashes. God, they’re so long! I just want to cut them off and put them on mine.
A: Well, MW told me to shave off half and put extensions on the other eye, so do you want half?
A: And don’t worry, we don’t have the five date rule.
CC: ...Good.
A: Good. We know what we’re getting into....That wasn’t a pun! It wasn’t! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
A: You’re not Bubby. You’re an attractive women who looks nothing like a guy.
CC: ..Thanks.
A: That wasn’t a good line, was it? Your eyes are like pools...
CC: *laughs* Can you say it in French?
A: Tu es...
JF: You know what they say about people with big hands.
A: They’re compensating.
J: They need big gloves...I like big gloves better.
A: I’m sorry. I was defending myself.
J: It’s ok. You’ll find out later.
A: [to CC] Please sit down. (i.e. between him&J)
A: I was hitting on you when I was sober; you don’t need to give me alcohol!
V: You get hit on by guys more than I do.
A: Not that many...it’s just because I’m friends with Osman! That’s why I’m still single! It’s because I hang out with Osman!
V: My dress is messed up; now I’m pregnant.
A: You could carry me home.
CC: I could piggyback you. If you held on tight and wrap your legs around...
A: I guess I have a goofy face.
D: I wasn’t going to say it, but...
A: Oh, so that’s why you like me! It’s my goofy face!
D: Apparently J does too.
J: Actually, I like your effeminate eyelashes.
T: Do you need a reason to do what?
A: To look at her funny.
T: I thought you look at everyone funny.
A: Did you want my cherry?
CC: Did you spit on it or something?
..
D: No, he said “Did you want my cherry?” and she said “Did you spit on it or something?”
T: I don’t know how you wouldn’t take that the dirty way.
D: I don’t know.
T: He’s got one to give away?
A: Were those yours? Those were very dainty toes.
J: There’s nothing wrong with good grooming.
A: No! That was the inside of my right leg! What are you, triple jointed or something? He has a third knee!!
J: Why did his pole suddenly become erect?
CC: He looks so shocked!
MW: That was not a good way to take it.
A: The monkey didn’t have boobs. What were you looking at?
J: It’s a matter of perspective.
September 26, 2008: apparently they make anatomically-correct costumes
V: You have a helmet!
S2: I have a helmet, yes. I’m still not used to this whole not risking death thing...
S1: I kind of assume every guy in our program is gay, until proven otherwise. It seems a safe assumption....I do that with every guy in Vancouver too. There are some gorgeous guys in the West End and it’s like...probably gay. Best not to get my hopes up.
V: He’s hotter than he was last year.
S1?: It’s been a dry summer, hasn’t it?
V: Shut up. I had a more successful summer with males than in a while.
Q: I had a bit of a dry summer.
S1: My summer was very dry. There were tumbleweeds.
V: *Laughs* “Tumbleweeds between my thighs!”
Q: I remember having this conversation with P**** last year. And he was like ‘how many guys have you kissed? I’ve kissed two.’ And I said ‘I don’t know,’ and he was like ‘come on, don’t be homophobic.’
V: Seriously? He said that?
Q: Or something equivalent. And I said ‘No, I really don’t know. I’ve lost count.’ and he looked at me and was like ‘ooooh.’
S1: ‘Cause I was going to say ‘he polishes his rocks and watches Battlestar Galactica,’ but then I realised it sounded like something else.
S1: I was like “How can you have sex if you’re in a big furry costume?” but apparently they make anatomically-correct costumes.
C: “Role-play”?!
P1: I’ll be a French maid. Can you picture it?
C: I am. That should be your Hallowe’en costume.
P1: A** wants me to wear this dress...
C: It could be a nice French maid dress!
P1: ...she’s offered to make it...
A1: You look so much more normal with blue hair and I don’t know why...it’s like you cared about your appearance for a day.
V: ..people skills – sorry C...
V: I have a trenchcoat. But it’s not black. It just looks like I’m going to flash someone. Short people can’t wear trenchcoats...
P1: A current awareness assignment, like, if they put a ‘kick me’ sign on your back, how long does it take you to notice?
C: Three hours.
A1: Oh, C’s intelligent.
P1: Intelligent like it takes her 3 hours to notice a ‘kick me’ sign on her back!
C: I was busy!
P1: Skirt and a Spiderman shirt! *thumbs up* It’s kind of like a mullet: work on the bottom, party on top.
C: Ok...
P1: Like how a mullet is work in the front, party in the back...I wasn’t comparing your fashion choice to a mullet. That would be mean.
P1: You’re a drug addict.
C: But I’m not even on my drugs anymore.
P1: And look what you did to your hair! Withdrawal symptoms.
C: Exactly. And sleeping through every class...
P1: You’re turning into me! If you start growing a penis, drink coffee. Even if it kills you.
C: I’ll do that. Thanks for the advice.
P1: I’m gonna go now.
M3: Who’s Chris? Do you know him?
S7: I feel like I know him.
Q: ...that’s the Acquisitions Librarian.
A1: They can buy it. I’ll just catalogue it subversively. I’m in charge of making it findable...it has to be something really obscure. Woodworking....bulimia. I like to picture Ann Coulter puking.
C: Anemia!
Q: How do you think she stays so thin?
A1: Exactly. Bulimia. I think she’s a puker.
Q: I already warned some of them when they were in a good mood. I was like ‘when you think about dropping out first term: don’t.’ and they were like ‘Why are you telling us this?’
Q: First of all, it’s the web. Which is more likely to be in a web: a squid or a spider?
A1: And we’ll name the ball FB.
S?: I don’t think she’d like it.
A1: We wouldn’t put it on the ball.
P1: I would.
S1: You can’t eat honey?
P1: No.
S1: Why, do you break out in hives?
P1: No! God! It’s not like this school isn’t depressing enough, you have to crush my will to live with the world’s worst pun! You hurt my soul...I don’t even believe in souls and you hurt mine!
P1: The last time I shaved a sweater, I was sitting on the roof of my apartment and people looked at me funny. Probably because I was shaving a sweater and sitting on the roof...it wasn’t really a roof. It was more of an awning. I was on the third floor.
C: Why would it matter if people looked at you funny?
P: They looked at me even funnier when I brought out a blanket and a pillow and took a nap in the middle of the day.
P1: Just because it says so on your shoe, doesn’t make it true!
C: But you were acting like a wiener.
P1: Describe my wiener-like qualities.
A1: How does someone piss you off? I act like a retard all the time and I don’t piss you off.
P1: No one knows what a shmoo(sp?) is. You know what that means? It means I’m old, like you.
Q: Fuck you.
P1: You know what, it’s like a defense mechanism: “No one invites me anywhere!” Now that I’m vegan, they can’t.
A1: O*** has a blackberry and he’s like...it’s like we had a baby and it’s the Blackberry.
A1: P*** has above-average intelligence.
P1: Either that or I have Aspergers.
Q: You do not have Asperger’s. Who told you that? You told yourself that.
A1: Have you been reading Cosmo again?.....You’re not special!
Q: You don’t have Asperger’s, you’re just an ass.
P1: I say things and I do things that piss people off all the time and it doesn’t occur to me that they could ever piss people off.
A1: Honey, that’s just self-absorbed.
...
Q: The fact that you’re married...
A1: Yeah, but have you met his wife?
P1: What’s that supposed to mean?!
A1: Nothing; I love your wife.
Q: Yeah, I remember last year and I wondered ‘how could a woman put up with this guy?’ And I saw pictures of her on Facebook and she looks so sweet and innocent...but then I met her and she’s more messed up than you.
P1: Yeah, but it doesn’t work for girls.
S1: What do you mean?
P1: What do you spank?
S1: We shouldn’t really have to explain this to you P***....poor A***.
P1: Guys don’t really “spank” either though...
G: What did he say about exposing themselves?
C: To information. It’s a virus! A disease!
G: Well, that’s what happens if you go around exposing yourself, I guess.
C: I guess that’s a way of sharing information. In a sense. Thanks for that mental image, G***.
S5: They were having a Starcraft LAN party.
J4: What the fuck is that?
S5: Yeah....the best part is they’re all wearing their headphones to listen to sound effects or something and all you hear is the click of the mouse *click.click.click.click.click.* and they trash talk each other. Like “yo bitch!” “I can’t believe you destroyed my fortress, man!”
S5: It’s like, a nice romantic dinner followed by...90s html coding.
S5: Is it like a marathon where they time you every time and you have to try to beat your best time?
J4: That’s not very yoga, S***
S2: I have a helmet, yes. I’m still not used to this whole not risking death thing...
S1: I kind of assume every guy in our program is gay, until proven otherwise. It seems a safe assumption....I do that with every guy in Vancouver too. There are some gorgeous guys in the West End and it’s like...probably gay. Best not to get my hopes up.
V: He’s hotter than he was last year.
S1?: It’s been a dry summer, hasn’t it?
V: Shut up. I had a more successful summer with males than in a while.
Q: I had a bit of a dry summer.
S1: My summer was very dry. There were tumbleweeds.
V: *Laughs* “Tumbleweeds between my thighs!”
Q: I remember having this conversation with P**** last year. And he was like ‘how many guys have you kissed? I’ve kissed two.’ And I said ‘I don’t know,’ and he was like ‘come on, don’t be homophobic.’
V: Seriously? He said that?
Q: Or something equivalent. And I said ‘No, I really don’t know. I’ve lost count.’ and he looked at me and was like ‘ooooh.’
S1: ‘Cause I was going to say ‘he polishes his rocks and watches Battlestar Galactica,’ but then I realised it sounded like something else.
S1: I was like “How can you have sex if you’re in a big furry costume?” but apparently they make anatomically-correct costumes.
C: “Role-play”?!
P1: I’ll be a French maid. Can you picture it?
C: I am. That should be your Hallowe’en costume.
P1: A** wants me to wear this dress...
C: It could be a nice French maid dress!
P1: ...she’s offered to make it...
A1: You look so much more normal with blue hair and I don’t know why...it’s like you cared about your appearance for a day.
V: ..people skills – sorry C...
V: I have a trenchcoat. But it’s not black. It just looks like I’m going to flash someone. Short people can’t wear trenchcoats...
P1: A current awareness assignment, like, if they put a ‘kick me’ sign on your back, how long does it take you to notice?
C: Three hours.
A1: Oh, C’s intelligent.
P1: Intelligent like it takes her 3 hours to notice a ‘kick me’ sign on her back!
C: I was busy!
P1: Skirt and a Spiderman shirt! *thumbs up* It’s kind of like a mullet: work on the bottom, party on top.
C: Ok...
P1: Like how a mullet is work in the front, party in the back...I wasn’t comparing your fashion choice to a mullet. That would be mean.
P1: You’re a drug addict.
C: But I’m not even on my drugs anymore.
P1: And look what you did to your hair! Withdrawal symptoms.
C: Exactly. And sleeping through every class...
P1: You’re turning into me! If you start growing a penis, drink coffee. Even if it kills you.
C: I’ll do that. Thanks for the advice.
P1: I’m gonna go now.
M3: Who’s Chris? Do you know him?
S7: I feel like I know him.
Q: ...that’s the Acquisitions Librarian.
A1: They can buy it. I’ll just catalogue it subversively. I’m in charge of making it findable...it has to be something really obscure. Woodworking....bulimia. I like to picture Ann Coulter puking.
C: Anemia!
Q: How do you think she stays so thin?
A1: Exactly. Bulimia. I think she’s a puker.
Q: I already warned some of them when they were in a good mood. I was like ‘when you think about dropping out first term: don’t.’ and they were like ‘Why are you telling us this?’
Q: First of all, it’s the web. Which is more likely to be in a web: a squid or a spider?
A1: And we’ll name the ball FB.
S?: I don’t think she’d like it.
A1: We wouldn’t put it on the ball.
P1: I would.
S1: You can’t eat honey?
P1: No.
S1: Why, do you break out in hives?
P1: No! God! It’s not like this school isn’t depressing enough, you have to crush my will to live with the world’s worst pun! You hurt my soul...I don’t even believe in souls and you hurt mine!
P1: The last time I shaved a sweater, I was sitting on the roof of my apartment and people looked at me funny. Probably because I was shaving a sweater and sitting on the roof...it wasn’t really a roof. It was more of an awning. I was on the third floor.
C: Why would it matter if people looked at you funny?
P: They looked at me even funnier when I brought out a blanket and a pillow and took a nap in the middle of the day.
P1: Just because it says so on your shoe, doesn’t make it true!
C: But you were acting like a wiener.
P1: Describe my wiener-like qualities.
A1: How does someone piss you off? I act like a retard all the time and I don’t piss you off.
P1: No one knows what a shmoo(sp?) is. You know what that means? It means I’m old, like you.
Q: Fuck you.
P1: You know what, it’s like a defense mechanism: “No one invites me anywhere!” Now that I’m vegan, they can’t.
A1: O*** has a blackberry and he’s like...it’s like we had a baby and it’s the Blackberry.
A1: P*** has above-average intelligence.
P1: Either that or I have Aspergers.
Q: You do not have Asperger’s. Who told you that? You told yourself that.
A1: Have you been reading Cosmo again?.....You’re not special!
Q: You don’t have Asperger’s, you’re just an ass.
P1: I say things and I do things that piss people off all the time and it doesn’t occur to me that they could ever piss people off.
A1: Honey, that’s just self-absorbed.
...
Q: The fact that you’re married...
A1: Yeah, but have you met his wife?
P1: What’s that supposed to mean?!
A1: Nothing; I love your wife.
Q: Yeah, I remember last year and I wondered ‘how could a woman put up with this guy?’ And I saw pictures of her on Facebook and she looks so sweet and innocent...but then I met her and she’s more messed up than you.
P1: Yeah, but it doesn’t work for girls.
S1: What do you mean?
P1: What do you spank?
S1: We shouldn’t really have to explain this to you P***....poor A***.
P1: Guys don’t really “spank” either though...
G: What did he say about exposing themselves?
C: To information. It’s a virus! A disease!
G: Well, that’s what happens if you go around exposing yourself, I guess.
C: I guess that’s a way of sharing information. In a sense. Thanks for that mental image, G***.
S5: They were having a Starcraft LAN party.
J4: What the fuck is that?
S5: Yeah....the best part is they’re all wearing their headphones to listen to sound effects or something and all you hear is the click of the mouse *click.click.click.click.click.* and they trash talk each other. Like “yo bitch!” “I can’t believe you destroyed my fortress, man!”
S5: It’s like, a nice romantic dinner followed by...90s html coding.
S5: Is it like a marathon where they time you every time and you have to try to beat your best time?
J4: That’s not very yoga, S***
September 7, 2008: Some kind of weird post-modern pimping
E-R: Sweet suit.
C: But look! My socks are different shades of grey!
E-R: Trying to rebel against the dress code?
HW: That’s sad. But I’d probably do that too...
E-R: We’re going to move in together in September. He’s more excited about it than I am...he’s already planning out the basement. He picked out paint colours and I was like ‘slow down! Have you named our firstborn yet?’ ... and then we talked abut names....
CW: You are the only person who would say that about Nicole Kidman.
mum: That’s not true; lots of people make fun of her plastic surgery.
CW: “She’s a wonderful actress; too bad about her face”?!
B: What? Truck stops have good presents.
CW: Like what?
B: Knick-knacks.
E-R: You get me a present from a truck stop and we’re getting a divorce.
M nods.
B: Have you been to truck stops lately?
E-R: (re Puff Daddy) What does that mean; he’s a marshmallow full of spawn?
B: I’m kind of scared of the Michelin man. I don’t buy Michelin tires. I’m afraid he’ll come to my house.
H: Oh. We’re under attack.
B: I think I hit one of those on the way here.
MM: Not that; the CTV blimp.
B: Oh......I just saw the bird...
CW: I liked Dune ok. But I prefer books where the villain is cool. And I didn’t see what was so damn special about the Mentat thing. It just seemed logical.
TNV: I think your bathroom cabinet should have bathroom stuff.
CW: Why? I think it would be really funny if they opened it and found, like, philosophy books...
T:...and to make it even better, you could sneak in there a bathroom edition.
CW: .. or DeSade...
T: Do I really want to think through all the implications of having DeSade in your bathroom? Is there something you’re not telling me?
T: Now what other furniture could I turn into a bookshelf for you?
CW: A refrigerator.
T: You’re the librarian; you tell me what needs to be stored in the fridge.
CW: Videos...
T: What’s in a name? That which we call a deinonychus by any other name would smell as sweet.
CW: I never got the impression that they smelled very good.
T: To a deinonychus of the opposite sex, maybe.
CW: Well, I hope they’re happy with each other.
T: They died, so they probably smelled. And then they became so dead that they stopped smelling. And then they turned into rock. Rock doesn’t smell.
CW: How heartwarming.
C: You can look totally flaky when you know exactly what you’re doing. It’s awesome.
U: Yes. I can act. I know how to throw you off my scent. Wait, scent?
C: You seem a little bitter about being beaten by a four-pound dog in this contest. I think it’s time you let go.
MP: They do kind of sound like Donald Duck.
MW: You should do that if you want to put people off. Say the squirrels are laughing at you.
MP: I thought that sometimes. It was like, ‘I haven’t seen a Disney movie in ten years – what is this?!”
CC: It’s funny. She’ll be naming off the names of flowers, like ‘lily, daisy, clematis,’ and I’m like ‘are you well?’
CC: How do the British say ‘trousers’?
T: ‘Trousers.’
CW: You’re still doing Canadian raising.
T: ‘Trousers.’
CW: Now you’re trying to sound like Sean Connery.
T: I don’t know how Sean Connery says ‘trousers.’ He’s never asked me for mine!
SL: Do I smell like flowers?
L: What?
SL: ‘Cause I sprayed Febreeze and I couldn’t open the door right away, and I was like ‘Ah, I’m trapped!’
L: Let’s see if you still smell like a flowering blossom.
UB: I thought you changed your shirt.
UB: Lori, this is not a Febreeze commercial.
L: He made me smell him.
mum: What’s he doing? In words of one syllable.
UP: I dunno. I’ve stopped asking. Because he tells me. Portia, I don’t think she knows what she’s doing. She hates computers, for one....
mum: Is there a name for what Justin does? There must be a name at least.
UP: Yeah, there probably is.
UB: You wanted to get a motorcycle? No way.
S: I wanted to before Ben did. Think about it: if I get in an accident on the way to work, I’ll end up at work.
KL: I think forty’s too young for a midlife crisis. Now you have to be like 65.
UB: Quote that.
KL: Like, you should be starting...
S: It’s the clavicle. It’s close to the scapula.
L: So how did you break it?
K: It’s a funny story.
S: I was riding a toy tractor across the kitchen and I waved hi. As I was engaged in my salutations, I headed towards the basement door. Which was open. I fell down the stairs.
L: Just you, or the tractor?
S: Me and the tractor. And I broke my collarbone. And probably sustained brain damage.
AK: Definitely.
S: Frodo! Spread your urine! Show’em who’s boss!!
CW: What would happen if a werewolf bit a vampire?
T: You’d get a very hairy vampire. What would happen if the vampire bit back at the same time, like mutual hickies?
T: I would wear yoga pants if it were part of my daily life to raise my leg above my head...which it sometimes is.
U: He’s such a health nut. M’s such a health nut. It makes me feel...dirty.
U: I love ABBA. I’m in love with ABBA.
T: What’s your favourite song?
U: ‘The Winner Takes it All.’
T: It’s said to be one of the best breakup songs.
CW: They play it at hockey games sometimes.
T: Jennifer Lopez’s butt is insured, yes. Although I don’t know if it’s still insured since she had a baby.
CC: Is that considered an act of God?
T: No, it’s considered an act of Mark Antony.
U: V just air-kissed me.
V: I do not ‘air-kiss.’ I..
T: Kiss intensely and deeply but fall short?
V: Yes!
T: You have no sense of distance.
U: ...I’m not half the man I used to be. Because my boobs are not longer perky. I wish I were Britney Spears. Ohhh yesterday....
CW: Jazz hands?
H: I think it’s very appropriate to punk rock.
CW: One of my friends had a customer tell her about how she used menstrual blood to fertilize her pot....apparently it’s really good fertilizer.
MP: That’s just....adorable.
T: You’re so cute, that getting mad at you is like punching a teddy bear.
CW: What, haven’t you ever punched a teddy bear?
T: Well you’re antisocial.
T: Like, if you need someone to present the company’s vision, you need someone with short hair, square jaw, basically the Ken archetype...
CW: Except with genitals...
T: .. and if you need someone to apologize for the company’s screwing up...
SG: Yeah, I had a collie. A lassie dog. We called her Lassie.
T: Imaginative.
SG: Well, it was either that or MC Hammer.
CC: I had someone come in and ask ‘do you have machines that roll cigarettes?’ I’m like, ‘this is a kids’ store. Yes, we keep them next to the teddy bears.’
CC: Is anyone tall enough to do the Heimlich maneuver on you?
JF: I don’t know...this is why there aren’t many tall people.
CC:...how about the mantel?
J: Too low.
CC: You’re screwed.
J: There is so much dessert. This is so intimidating. Can you just pour that bowl of whipped cream on M?
J: That’s always how it goes. You stagger leaving the bathroom 30 seconds.
CC: Thirty seconds? That’s just...
J: Stagger leaving. You can’t take off your clothes in thirty seconds.
CW: You can’t? I can.
J: Ok, let’s race.
T: .. it’s to show that it’s worth ripping off the clothes.
CW: Nothing is worth ripping good clothes unnecessarily.
J: You’re the one who says they can undress in thirty seconds.
CW: Yes.
J: That’s without ripping clothes?
CW: Yes.
J: Oh. I was just planning to...
CC: He’s really bad at time-filling.
J: Tongue-feeling??
J: Who would not want to have sex with Sean Connery?
C: I wouldn’t. He’s old.
MP: Noo...sorry to crap on your fondest dream.
MW: So how about a sisterly bonding moment? We need to talk about sex and shoes...
H: & rock’n’roll..
OH: Yeah, I got sexually assaulted on my last day in Toronto.
CW: Why do you sound so happy?
WR: You’re so chipper.
T: If you’re so happy about it, you can tell us the story.
O: I love how you’re taking out the notebook.....you’re like the police guy taking notes, only more colourful!
O: I wasn’t actually going to file a police report, but I went shopping and I bought a really nice bra which made me happy...
W: And this made you think of the police?
O: .. and then I called the rape crisis centre..
T: I don’t think anyone’s laughed so hard saying ‘Rape Crisis Centre’
O: I actually typed it all up when I got home so that I wouldn’t forget anything. And it actually saved a lot of time because the police just took the statement I typed so that I didn’t have to dictate it...because they don’t write as fast as you, C.
O: It’s really great if I have to go and testify at the trial, because that means I get to go back to Toronto and see The Sound of Music with my aunt and uncle.
O: They give you a 72-page training manual and 3 tests, one of which I failed and had to retake. I failed a Hooters test. That’s a blow to my academic ego.
O: Actually, my aunt always wanted to work at Hooters...and they let me stay at their place rent-free and everything and in return I had to get a job at Hooters so she could live vicariously through me.
T: That sounds like pimping.
W: Some kind of weird post-modern pimping.
O: I actually got a job within five seconds.
W: And kept your self-respect?
O: Noooooo! Actually, my self-respect shot up, actually.
O: And he takes really nice pictures of the Hooters girls and he brings two copies, one for the girl, and one for the girl to sign and he keeps them in an album...
W: And these are the non-creepy ones?!
O: ..he’s got this serious glittering cocaine addiction, and he wears green glitter all the time..
O: You can walk up to someone and just look in their eyes...it’s like a 100% success rate.
T: It’s like being a girl in engineering.
O: He said I was his favourite model after doing the Darth Vader shot. And he’s really hot too...
T: He couldn’t see your head in it.
O: No.
T: But he could see nearly everything else.
O: It’s like wearing a paper bag on my head, only better!
O: “I have to flirt now because I can’t flirt tomorrow! I’ll be in a mental hospital! The guys here are better!”
T: To be more introverted than you, one would have to live in a burrow.
CW: There’s nothing wrong with living in a burrow. You could have a perfectly happy life living in a burrow.
T: You could.
W: Vitamin D deficiency, though...
O: Gluten’s overrated.
W: Yeah, like have you ever heard someone eat something and be like ‘Wow, that gluten is really good!’?
W: You can have like that bread God gave us!
T: God loves celiacs!
W: Like that flat bread...
O: I feel bad; I got one of my coworkers arrested.
T: His fault.
O: Yeah, I know, it’s just...
T: He should have thought about that before..
CW: At least you left your mark on Hooters.
C: But look! My socks are different shades of grey!
E-R: Trying to rebel against the dress code?
HW: That’s sad. But I’d probably do that too...
E-R: We’re going to move in together in September. He’s more excited about it than I am...he’s already planning out the basement. He picked out paint colours and I was like ‘slow down! Have you named our firstborn yet?’ ... and then we talked abut names....
CW: You are the only person who would say that about Nicole Kidman.
mum: That’s not true; lots of people make fun of her plastic surgery.
CW: “She’s a wonderful actress; too bad about her face”?!
B: What? Truck stops have good presents.
CW: Like what?
B: Knick-knacks.
E-R: You get me a present from a truck stop and we’re getting a divorce.
M nods.
B: Have you been to truck stops lately?
E-R: (re Puff Daddy) What does that mean; he’s a marshmallow full of spawn?
B: I’m kind of scared of the Michelin man. I don’t buy Michelin tires. I’m afraid he’ll come to my house.
H: Oh. We’re under attack.
B: I think I hit one of those on the way here.
MM: Not that; the CTV blimp.
B: Oh......I just saw the bird...
CW: I liked Dune ok. But I prefer books where the villain is cool. And I didn’t see what was so damn special about the Mentat thing. It just seemed logical.
TNV: I think your bathroom cabinet should have bathroom stuff.
CW: Why? I think it would be really funny if they opened it and found, like, philosophy books...
T:...and to make it even better, you could sneak in there a bathroom edition.
CW: .. or DeSade...
T: Do I really want to think through all the implications of having DeSade in your bathroom? Is there something you’re not telling me?
T: Now what other furniture could I turn into a bookshelf for you?
CW: A refrigerator.
T: You’re the librarian; you tell me what needs to be stored in the fridge.
CW: Videos...
T: What’s in a name? That which we call a deinonychus by any other name would smell as sweet.
CW: I never got the impression that they smelled very good.
T: To a deinonychus of the opposite sex, maybe.
CW: Well, I hope they’re happy with each other.
T: They died, so they probably smelled. And then they became so dead that they stopped smelling. And then they turned into rock. Rock doesn’t smell.
CW: How heartwarming.
C: You can look totally flaky when you know exactly what you’re doing. It’s awesome.
U: Yes. I can act. I know how to throw you off my scent. Wait, scent?
C: You seem a little bitter about being beaten by a four-pound dog in this contest. I think it’s time you let go.
MP: They do kind of sound like Donald Duck.
MW: You should do that if you want to put people off. Say the squirrels are laughing at you.
MP: I thought that sometimes. It was like, ‘I haven’t seen a Disney movie in ten years – what is this?!”
CC: It’s funny. She’ll be naming off the names of flowers, like ‘lily, daisy, clematis,’ and I’m like ‘are you well?’
CC: How do the British say ‘trousers’?
T: ‘Trousers.’
CW: You’re still doing Canadian raising.
T: ‘Trousers.’
CW: Now you’re trying to sound like Sean Connery.
T: I don’t know how Sean Connery says ‘trousers.’ He’s never asked me for mine!
SL: Do I smell like flowers?
L: What?
SL: ‘Cause I sprayed Febreeze and I couldn’t open the door right away, and I was like ‘Ah, I’m trapped!’
L: Let’s see if you still smell like a flowering blossom.
UB: I thought you changed your shirt.
UB: Lori, this is not a Febreeze commercial.
L: He made me smell him.
mum: What’s he doing? In words of one syllable.
UP: I dunno. I’ve stopped asking. Because he tells me. Portia, I don’t think she knows what she’s doing. She hates computers, for one....
mum: Is there a name for what Justin does? There must be a name at least.
UP: Yeah, there probably is.
UB: You wanted to get a motorcycle? No way.
S: I wanted to before Ben did. Think about it: if I get in an accident on the way to work, I’ll end up at work.
KL: I think forty’s too young for a midlife crisis. Now you have to be like 65.
UB: Quote that.
KL: Like, you should be starting...
S: It’s the clavicle. It’s close to the scapula.
L: So how did you break it?
K: It’s a funny story.
S: I was riding a toy tractor across the kitchen and I waved hi. As I was engaged in my salutations, I headed towards the basement door. Which was open. I fell down the stairs.
L: Just you, or the tractor?
S: Me and the tractor. And I broke my collarbone. And probably sustained brain damage.
AK: Definitely.
S: Frodo! Spread your urine! Show’em who’s boss!!
CW: What would happen if a werewolf bit a vampire?
T: You’d get a very hairy vampire. What would happen if the vampire bit back at the same time, like mutual hickies?
T: I would wear yoga pants if it were part of my daily life to raise my leg above my head...which it sometimes is.
U: He’s such a health nut. M’s such a health nut. It makes me feel...dirty.
U: I love ABBA. I’m in love with ABBA.
T: What’s your favourite song?
U: ‘The Winner Takes it All.’
T: It’s said to be one of the best breakup songs.
CW: They play it at hockey games sometimes.
T: Jennifer Lopez’s butt is insured, yes. Although I don’t know if it’s still insured since she had a baby.
CC: Is that considered an act of God?
T: No, it’s considered an act of Mark Antony.
U: V just air-kissed me.
V: I do not ‘air-kiss.’ I..
T: Kiss intensely and deeply but fall short?
V: Yes!
T: You have no sense of distance.
U: ...I’m not half the man I used to be. Because my boobs are not longer perky. I wish I were Britney Spears. Ohhh yesterday....
CW: Jazz hands?
H: I think it’s very appropriate to punk rock.
CW: One of my friends had a customer tell her about how she used menstrual blood to fertilize her pot....apparently it’s really good fertilizer.
MP: That’s just....adorable.
T: You’re so cute, that getting mad at you is like punching a teddy bear.
CW: What, haven’t you ever punched a teddy bear?
T: Well you’re antisocial.
T: Like, if you need someone to present the company’s vision, you need someone with short hair, square jaw, basically the Ken archetype...
CW: Except with genitals...
T: .. and if you need someone to apologize for the company’s screwing up...
SG: Yeah, I had a collie. A lassie dog. We called her Lassie.
T: Imaginative.
SG: Well, it was either that or MC Hammer.
CC: I had someone come in and ask ‘do you have machines that roll cigarettes?’ I’m like, ‘this is a kids’ store. Yes, we keep them next to the teddy bears.’
CC: Is anyone tall enough to do the Heimlich maneuver on you?
JF: I don’t know...this is why there aren’t many tall people.
CC:...how about the mantel?
J: Too low.
CC: You’re screwed.
J: There is so much dessert. This is so intimidating. Can you just pour that bowl of whipped cream on M?
J: That’s always how it goes. You stagger leaving the bathroom 30 seconds.
CC: Thirty seconds? That’s just...
J: Stagger leaving. You can’t take off your clothes in thirty seconds.
CW: You can’t? I can.
J: Ok, let’s race.
T: .. it’s to show that it’s worth ripping off the clothes.
CW: Nothing is worth ripping good clothes unnecessarily.
J: You’re the one who says they can undress in thirty seconds.
CW: Yes.
J: That’s without ripping clothes?
CW: Yes.
J: Oh. I was just planning to...
CC: He’s really bad at time-filling.
J: Tongue-feeling??
J: Who would not want to have sex with Sean Connery?
C: I wouldn’t. He’s old.
MP: Noo...sorry to crap on your fondest dream.
MW: So how about a sisterly bonding moment? We need to talk about sex and shoes...
H: & rock’n’roll..
OH: Yeah, I got sexually assaulted on my last day in Toronto.
CW: Why do you sound so happy?
WR: You’re so chipper.
T: If you’re so happy about it, you can tell us the story.
O: I love how you’re taking out the notebook.....you’re like the police guy taking notes, only more colourful!
O: I wasn’t actually going to file a police report, but I went shopping and I bought a really nice bra which made me happy...
W: And this made you think of the police?
O: .. and then I called the rape crisis centre..
T: I don’t think anyone’s laughed so hard saying ‘Rape Crisis Centre’
O: I actually typed it all up when I got home so that I wouldn’t forget anything. And it actually saved a lot of time because the police just took the statement I typed so that I didn’t have to dictate it...because they don’t write as fast as you, C.
O: It’s really great if I have to go and testify at the trial, because that means I get to go back to Toronto and see The Sound of Music with my aunt and uncle.
O: They give you a 72-page training manual and 3 tests, one of which I failed and had to retake. I failed a Hooters test. That’s a blow to my academic ego.
O: Actually, my aunt always wanted to work at Hooters...and they let me stay at their place rent-free and everything and in return I had to get a job at Hooters so she could live vicariously through me.
T: That sounds like pimping.
W: Some kind of weird post-modern pimping.
O: I actually got a job within five seconds.
W: And kept your self-respect?
O: Noooooo! Actually, my self-respect shot up, actually.
O: And he takes really nice pictures of the Hooters girls and he brings two copies, one for the girl, and one for the girl to sign and he keeps them in an album...
W: And these are the non-creepy ones?!
O: ..he’s got this serious glittering cocaine addiction, and he wears green glitter all the time..
O: You can walk up to someone and just look in their eyes...it’s like a 100% success rate.
T: It’s like being a girl in engineering.
O: He said I was his favourite model after doing the Darth Vader shot. And he’s really hot too...
T: He couldn’t see your head in it.
O: No.
T: But he could see nearly everything else.
O: It’s like wearing a paper bag on my head, only better!
O: “I have to flirt now because I can’t flirt tomorrow! I’ll be in a mental hospital! The guys here are better!”
T: To be more introverted than you, one would have to live in a burrow.
CW: There’s nothing wrong with living in a burrow. You could have a perfectly happy life living in a burrow.
T: You could.
W: Vitamin D deficiency, though...
O: Gluten’s overrated.
W: Yeah, like have you ever heard someone eat something and be like ‘Wow, that gluten is really good!’?
W: You can have like that bread God gave us!
T: God loves celiacs!
W: Like that flat bread...
O: I feel bad; I got one of my coworkers arrested.
T: His fault.
O: Yeah, I know, it’s just...
T: He should have thought about that before..
CW: At least you left your mark on Hooters.
June 18, 2008: finger-licking and spoon-shovelling
OH: Oh, why did I give up caffeine?! I must have been on crazy person drugs!
CC: I can give you some...
TNV: Pen pen pen... I also have a fiber-optic cable...
C: Why?
T: I found it in a tree.
O: It's like with children: you're like 'they're so cute I almost want to strangle them!'
CC: Who the hell says that?!
T: O, I am getting concerned about your children....animal hats...
O: See, now that would be strange. You without jewelery...
CW: Yeah. That would be weird. That...yeah.
T: I'm saving it for my wedding night.
T: MP will be a good husband. He won't dress his children in animal hats, anyway...
M: Uhmmm..
O: Another marriage prospect gone...
T: So you're going to breed yourself for blonde kids?
O: Children of the corn with animal hats!
O: He put aphrodisiacs in that soup, didn't he?
CC: Ajax? What?
O: You can't start laughing every time I open my mouth or we'll never get anywhere.
AS: I made a slight adjustment to the card. You'll see.
SC: *stare*
A: A really slight adjustment! I swear!
card:ThanksUmmm, actually, Happy Birthday!
A: I thought it was the cutest one there! It said "thanks" and I thought that was wrong! It should say "happy birthday!"
A: It's so intimidating!
CW: You're intimidated by your utensils?
A: Well, there's so many of them! And they're in the way.
S: There's a story. We were going out to dinner.....and Alanna was eating her meal with two forks. I just looked over and was like "What are you doing?" She was like "I dunno." She also stole the napkin.
A: By accident!
CW: I remember pretending to believe in Santa to keep my parents happy.
A: That's a good reason.
Li: Oh, I threw a fit. I was screaming to my mum, like "You don't understand; I need to know! I need to know because if I have kids I need to know if Santa Claus is real because if what if I still think he's real and then they get NOTHING!?!!!!"
CW: S puts up with so much. I think I broke her in for you. I've heard she tells stories...
A: Oh yeah...it's great, because it's like, 'at least I haven't done that...
CW: Like set yourself on fire because you were cooking wearing a scarf?
A: Yeah, I haven't done that one...I asked her once " Who's worse, me or C?" and she said " I think you're worse, because at least C has an excuse...."
A: When I was 13 I read an abridged version of War & Peace. It was this big. Instead of Prince Andre it was Prince Andrew. It just went downhill from there....
CW: A lot of people I don't respect remind me of people I see on television.
MW: So, you interested in trying martial arts?
CW: Yeah, sure. I think I need more violence in my life.
MW: Balance, or violence?
CW: Violence.
MW: Oh yeah. Good call.
T: So how's your makeup adventures going?
CC: I tried putting mascara on the other day and I blinked and I stabbed myself and it smeared up like this...I tried on the other eye another time and I sneezed...
T: I think I sunburnt my thumb.
MP: I don't pay attention to horse racing. I don't even know the rules.
CW&T: The first horse around the track wins...
MP: No, I mean like rules about the equipment...
O: Will I have scaly skin in ten years?
CW: Yes; it will go with your goldfish mouth. Stop doing that.
T: Yes, you will be a dinosaur.
O: Do I get to pick which dinosaur?
T: No; you will be a dimetrodon.
T: Ladies, we're jealous.
O: What, why? Why is jealousy the word of the day? Is is the word of the day?
T: No, I vote for syncategorematic.
CW: Yes!!! I LOVE that word!
MW: I'm thinking my trademark should be to say everything in a really sexy voice, even if it isn't sexy.
T: Like "vector mechanics."
MW: U, five dollars if you wait 'till the guy comes and pour water all over yourself.
T: 5?
U: Only five?
MW: Alright, six.
JF: I went through a phase where I was fascinated by trying to overcome torque.
CC: There was this prof and she had really dark skin and wore really tight white shirts, so everyone near the front row could see her nipples...
MW: It's a good thing she didn't go near your prof.
CC: He'd probably start crying...
J: Genesha is a racist.
CW: Who's a racist?
T: He's telling me Genesha is a racist. He won't forgive me for my skin colour...Genesha, the elephant-headed god.
J: He's really quite closed-minded.
O: Oh, just feed him some peanuts.
CW: Why are you killing yourself, Justin?
J: Because I'm sad you're not involved in this conversation.
CW: Awwww, that's so sweet.
MW: That's what I always say: when there's an orgy, invite C.
MW: There are probably about a million fetishes.
CW: Yeah. And they're all stupid.
MW: So, like, if your boyfriend would be like "C, dress up as a sexy nurse" then you'd be like "That's stupid."
CW: Yes.
MW: That's totally killing the mood.
CW: I don't care.
J: Not all vibrators come in the mail. Some have men attached to them.
CW: What about vibrators?
O: Vibrators?
T: You could incorporate a vibrator and a bra.
J: Why would a vibrator need to wear a bra?
U:...it's empowerment?
CW: That's the worst grumpy face I've ever seen..
M: Let me see? It looks like muppets. It's like cute and...cute.
CC: She's just a hippie. All she can do is spread the love.
M: She can't help it.
CC: I didn't mean it that way...
V: We all just want each other; it's weird. We need help.
J: Intjs tend to offend enfps because they tend to be like C and like killing things.
C: Only if they deserve to die...
O: What are you talking about?
MP: We said Hello Kitty and bondage and you started grinning.
MP: You're calling Fida's pizza?
O: I keep hearing foetus pizza.
O: Why don't we just play spin the bottle while we're at it.
J: We have bottles here.
V: We should get the waiter to join in; there's not enough guys.
V: Remember when they looked for lice in your hair in, like grade 5 or 6?
O: I loved that! I pretended to have lice so they could do it again!
CC: I've realised that I'd rather change a dirty diaper than wipe a snotty nose.
CW: ...I'd rather do neither..?
CC: I'd rather do neither too, but if I had to choose between the two, I'd rather change a dirty diaper.
CW: And you've spent time thinking about this?
CC: Because it's already there...
CC: Tamara was like "tell me the details!" and I was like "There weren't many details, just finger-licking and spoon-shovelling."
O: I read a 400-page book last night and I had 4 cups of coffee after not having coffee for three months and my presentation reflected that.
CC: O, you're my hero.
CW: I love you.
O: So, like, when you make babies....look, it's going well already!
O: I'm working out my bum just so when I go to the movie theatre my bum doesn't hurt after 20 minutes.
O: I actually told him about your Archie comics.
CC: I told a lot of people about that too.
CW: Oh god..
T: Ironically enough, I've been spending all my time on Wikipedia and been completely out of touch with the world.
CW: That is so you.
T: You'd think if you spent so much time on Wikipedia you'd be a little in touch with the world.
CW: Not really.
T: Wikinews!
T: A real kid in the U.S. is doomed to the name of Shithead.
CW: Was he an accident?
T: She.
MW: You should name your kid Accident. Accident W....I think I'm going to name my kids Accident and Bastard.
T: I tend to defend myself by my attitude. I don't look like the kind of person you bother with. I also don't look like the kind of person you ask on a date, but it's an occupational hazard.
C: If you smile all the time...in a non-psychotic manner...
U: You'll always be the only Russian.
T: That's not enough!! You've ditched me for M! He's ten hours younger! You've ditched me for a younger man!
MW: You're undressing me with your eyes.
V: Is that impure?
MW: It's ok; I'm used to it.
T: Come shirtless M! Come shirtless!
C: Wow, T, I thought it was U you were after. You're really intent on breaking up this relationship.
T: If I don't get one I get the other. Cover all the bases.
V: I have to pee.
U: Thanks for sharing.
MW: Just make sure you think of me while you do.
V: I don't have to make sure. I do all the time.
V: You know when I eat marinara, I think of you. It's like, "marinara." Oh no, "T."
V: You should have seen the look on his face. You were like " You know what's worse: string bikinis on men!"
U: Oh no; did I miss a look?"
MW: You just ruined his plan for the night!
CC: I can give you some...
TNV: Pen pen pen... I also have a fiber-optic cable...
C: Why?
T: I found it in a tree.
O: It's like with children: you're like 'they're so cute I almost want to strangle them!'
CC: Who the hell says that?!
T: O, I am getting concerned about your children....animal hats...
O: See, now that would be strange. You without jewelery...
CW: Yeah. That would be weird. That...yeah.
T: I'm saving it for my wedding night.
T: MP will be a good husband. He won't dress his children in animal hats, anyway...
M: Uhmmm..
O: Another marriage prospect gone...
T: So you're going to breed yourself for blonde kids?
O: Children of the corn with animal hats!
O: He put aphrodisiacs in that soup, didn't he?
CC: Ajax? What?
O: You can't start laughing every time I open my mouth or we'll never get anywhere.
AS: I made a slight adjustment to the card. You'll see.
SC: *stare*
A: A really slight adjustment! I swear!
card:
A: I thought it was the cutest one there! It said "thanks" and I thought that was wrong! It should say "happy birthday!"
A: It's so intimidating!
CW: You're intimidated by your utensils?
A: Well, there's so many of them! And they're in the way.
S: There's a story. We were going out to dinner.....and Alanna was eating her meal with two forks. I just looked over and was like "What are you doing?" She was like "I dunno." She also stole the napkin.
A: By accident!
CW: I remember pretending to believe in Santa to keep my parents happy.
A: That's a good reason.
Li: Oh, I threw a fit. I was screaming to my mum, like "You don't understand; I need to know! I need to know because if I have kids I need to know if Santa Claus is real because if what if I still think he's real and then they get NOTHING!?!!!!"
CW: S puts up with so much. I think I broke her in for you. I've heard she tells stories...
A: Oh yeah...it's great, because it's like, 'at least I haven't done that...
CW: Like set yourself on fire because you were cooking wearing a scarf?
A: Yeah, I haven't done that one...I asked her once " Who's worse, me or C?" and she said " I think you're worse, because at least C has an excuse...."
A: When I was 13 I read an abridged version of War & Peace. It was this big. Instead of Prince Andre it was Prince Andrew. It just went downhill from there....
CW: A lot of people I don't respect remind me of people I see on television.
MW: So, you interested in trying martial arts?
CW: Yeah, sure. I think I need more violence in my life.
MW: Balance, or violence?
CW: Violence.
MW: Oh yeah. Good call.
T: So how's your makeup adventures going?
CC: I tried putting mascara on the other day and I blinked and I stabbed myself and it smeared up like this...I tried on the other eye another time and I sneezed...
T: I think I sunburnt my thumb.
MP: I don't pay attention to horse racing. I don't even know the rules.
CW&T: The first horse around the track wins...
MP: No, I mean like rules about the equipment...
O: Will I have scaly skin in ten years?
CW: Yes; it will go with your goldfish mouth. Stop doing that.
T: Yes, you will be a dinosaur.
O: Do I get to pick which dinosaur?
T: No; you will be a dimetrodon.
T: Ladies, we're jealous.
O: What, why? Why is jealousy the word of the day? Is is the word of the day?
T: No, I vote for syncategorematic.
CW: Yes!!! I LOVE that word!
MW: I'm thinking my trademark should be to say everything in a really sexy voice, even if it isn't sexy.
T: Like "vector mechanics."
MW: U, five dollars if you wait 'till the guy comes and pour water all over yourself.
T: 5?
U: Only five?
MW: Alright, six.
JF: I went through a phase where I was fascinated by trying to overcome torque.
CC: There was this prof and she had really dark skin and wore really tight white shirts, so everyone near the front row could see her nipples...
MW: It's a good thing she didn't go near your prof.
CC: He'd probably start crying...
J: Genesha is a racist.
CW: Who's a racist?
T: He's telling me Genesha is a racist. He won't forgive me for my skin colour...Genesha, the elephant-headed god.
J: He's really quite closed-minded.
O: Oh, just feed him some peanuts.
CW: Why are you killing yourself, Justin?
J: Because I'm sad you're not involved in this conversation.
CW: Awwww, that's so sweet.
MW: That's what I always say: when there's an orgy, invite C.
MW: There are probably about a million fetishes.
CW: Yeah. And they're all stupid.
MW: So, like, if your boyfriend would be like "C, dress up as a sexy nurse" then you'd be like "That's stupid."
CW: Yes.
MW: That's totally killing the mood.
CW: I don't care.
J: Not all vibrators come in the mail. Some have men attached to them.
CW: What about vibrators?
O: Vibrators?
T: You could incorporate a vibrator and a bra.
J: Why would a vibrator need to wear a bra?
U:...it's empowerment?
CW: That's the worst grumpy face I've ever seen..
M: Let me see? It looks like muppets. It's like cute and...cute.
CC: She's just a hippie. All she can do is spread the love.
M: She can't help it.
CC: I didn't mean it that way...
V: We all just want each other; it's weird. We need help.
J: Intjs tend to offend enfps because they tend to be like C and like killing things.
C: Only if they deserve to die...
O: What are you talking about?
MP: We said Hello Kitty and bondage and you started grinning.
MP: You're calling Fida's pizza?
O: I keep hearing foetus pizza.
O: Why don't we just play spin the bottle while we're at it.
J: We have bottles here.
V: We should get the waiter to join in; there's not enough guys.
V: Remember when they looked for lice in your hair in, like grade 5 or 6?
O: I loved that! I pretended to have lice so they could do it again!
CC: I've realised that I'd rather change a dirty diaper than wipe a snotty nose.
CW: ...I'd rather do neither..?
CC: I'd rather do neither too, but if I had to choose between the two, I'd rather change a dirty diaper.
CW: And you've spent time thinking about this?
CC: Because it's already there...
CC: Tamara was like "tell me the details!" and I was like "There weren't many details, just finger-licking and spoon-shovelling."
O: I read a 400-page book last night and I had 4 cups of coffee after not having coffee for three months and my presentation reflected that.
CC: O, you're my hero.
CW: I love you.
O: So, like, when you make babies....look, it's going well already!
O: I'm working out my bum just so when I go to the movie theatre my bum doesn't hurt after 20 minutes.
O: I actually told him about your Archie comics.
CC: I told a lot of people about that too.
CW: Oh god..
T: Ironically enough, I've been spending all my time on Wikipedia and been completely out of touch with the world.
CW: That is so you.
T: You'd think if you spent so much time on Wikipedia you'd be a little in touch with the world.
CW: Not really.
T: Wikinews!
T: A real kid in the U.S. is doomed to the name of Shithead.
CW: Was he an accident?
T: She.
MW: You should name your kid Accident. Accident W....I think I'm going to name my kids Accident and Bastard.
T: I tend to defend myself by my attitude. I don't look like the kind of person you bother with. I also don't look like the kind of person you ask on a date, but it's an occupational hazard.
C: If you smile all the time...in a non-psychotic manner...
U: You'll always be the only Russian.
T: That's not enough!! You've ditched me for M! He's ten hours younger! You've ditched me for a younger man!
MW: You're undressing me with your eyes.
V: Is that impure?
MW: It's ok; I'm used to it.
T: Come shirtless M! Come shirtless!
C: Wow, T, I thought it was U you were after. You're really intent on breaking up this relationship.
T: If I don't get one I get the other. Cover all the bases.
V: I have to pee.
U: Thanks for sharing.
MW: Just make sure you think of me while you do.
V: I don't have to make sure. I do all the time.
V: You know when I eat marinara, I think of you. It's like, "marinara." Oh no, "T."
V: You should have seen the look on his face. You were like " You know what's worse: string bikinis on men!"
U: Oh no; did I miss a look?"
MW: You just ruined his plan for the night!
May 5, 2008 : If your heart is deformed, what does it mean?
dad: Ottawa owes me money again.
C: Another parking ticket?
dad: No more parking for a while. Their loss.
CW: Of course, java-themed jokes can help.
TNV: They're a filter. They rule out the people I don't want to date.
CW: That's what I say about all of my weird habits.
T: I'm not a rebel without a cause; I have a cause: it's Chomskyian syntax, dammit! Down with wh- movement!
OH: Look how beautiful and brown it is!
T: Look how beautiful and beige mine is.
O: It's like the purity of your soul versus the darkness of mine.
O: ...no, they only see blue because that's the only wavelength down there. So The Little Mermaid is totally incorrect. She shouldn't have red hair; it should be blue....actually, The Little Mermaid is totally incorrect because they're all bright and tropical down there!!!
T: O, The Little Mermaid is incorrect because mermaids don't exist.
...
O: At least I still have Santa Claus...we don't even have Santa Claus in my religion.
T: You have the angel of death! They leave out milk and cookies and Santa Claus will come; you paint blood on the doorframe and the angel of death won't come!!
O: It tastes like chicken!!
T: Communion wafers taste like chicken?
O: Well, they should, shouldn't they?
O: Oh, I just love pollination. Happyhappyhappy.
O: ...so that just proves that sex isn't gender.
T: No duh sex isn't gender. In French tables have gender but they can't have sex!
O: It's a deformed heart!
T: If your heart is deformed, what does it mean?
C: You have very poorly oxygenated blood.
UT: We just gave them blankets with TB, and alcohol--the Americans shot them.
HW: Apparently, Mike Harris has six toes on one foot.
mum: That's just ignorant.
H: I think that's high school hatred.
dad: Anne Boleyn had six fingers.
UT: What's that? Anne Boleyn?
dad: She had 6 fingers.
UT: And no head.
MW: I want to harvest a bone from somewhere in my body and add it here so I can have a really long finger and point it at people.
mum: I think you're craving something. In your diet.
MW: I don't want to eat it. I'm going to have a really long finger and point it at people.
mum: I'm serious. Calcium.
CW: Who's this?
H: Amy Winehouse. Bad life choices, but she's good.
H: We need more strong women, I feel. You're strong, I think, and I can be strong. You're just....weird.
*CW starts laughing*
H: You just don't fit into any category, which I suppose is what you want, so go you...
O: One of the great things about birthdays is that you can impose your taste upon people.
T: Can you sew?
O: No. When I need to hem my pants, I tape them up with duct tape on the inside.
O: I wouldn't want to tell my grandchildren that.
T: About proposing in lolcat?
O: They'd, like, disown me and I wouldn't be able to put animal hats on them.
O: We're selling things, right? Selling boots?
T: We're selling boots? I thought we were building a Death Star! You lured me in with false pretenses!
C: You could be our PR person.
O: I could. I'd like that. I could be like "Look, it's not scary, at all!"
O: I find our relationship to be really disfunctional because he's like "I want to make kissy faces" and I'm like "I want to talk about my genetics exam and what groceries you're going to buy today..."
T: Politeness is horribly dangerous in communication.
O: I'd be like, "why do I have a shovel in my hand?"
T: To brain someone!
O: If I killed C, then she'd love me!
T: My dear, take some lessons in logic.
T: Because NFs make life bright and beautiful until they're like "ooh, shiny!"
O: When you move your head all the shiny things move and it's hard to concentrate.
T: I don't have thongs. I'm sorry.
C: Yeah, they're not comfortable and they don't even make good slingshots.
T: And they were made...to get you laid.
O: That's what I was thinking but I had too much dignity to say it.
(more rhyming)
O I didn't even get paid for getting laid..
C: Well, that seems inefficient.
M: You could have a really sexy national anthem; what do you guys think about that?
C: How do you mean?
M: Like "Canada makes me hot! Hot! Hot!" What do you guys think?
H: Yessssssss....
O: If it's vegan then it means it's somewhat healthy.
T: I can name you lots of things that are vegan. Turpentine...
O: That would be bad if people had me mind their house. I think they'd reevaluate their values....
T: Have a majordomo. I've always liked the word majordomo.
O: What's his name?
T: Ricardo.
O: I think my mother would actually really appreciate it if I gave her a voodoo doll of me for Mother's Day. And a little mop...
O: Oh sweetness, why must you taste so sweet?
T: Because your brains is hardwired to crave glucose.
C: It's a conspiracy. A conspiracy to make you fat.
O: Conspiracies taste good...
O: I've never been pied. I've always wanted to be pied. On Pi Day...
O: That's my idea for a love confession. I would write "I love you" on a pie and then hit the boy in the face....it would be the last thing he sees...
T: My vibe is pure and sweet and kind and gentle.
C: That just means you're good at deceiving people.
T: And that's my problem how?
(I still question the gentle, by the way)
T: So what did you have for dinner?
CC: I had roast beef and french fries and four little children and I'm expecting...
*laughter*
CC: Oh no! I didn't eat them!!!
T: The only thing I liked about it (gym class) was the rape self defense class.
C: That's because you got to beat someone up.
T: I beat him up goooood. He's remember it for liiiife.
C: I cannot applaud his taste.
T: I thought you said goalies were supposed to be crazy.
C: Yes, but do they have to like country singers?
C: I'd like to see an action movie that doesn't violate any laws of physics. I think it would be revolutionary.
T: 2001: A Space Odyssey didn't violate any laws of physics. I mean, it had aliens in it...
T: Well, there's a magical piece of clothing that will hide any figure flaw. It's called a burqa. It will even hide the flaws of your face...
T: "I'm trying not to look down. I don't want to look down. Oh god, I looked down."
CC: It's like a guy trying not to look at a girl's tits.
(re Ron McLean's reaction to Don Cherry's flowery suit)
C: Another parking ticket?
dad: No more parking for a while. Their loss.
CW: Of course, java-themed jokes can help.
TNV: They're a filter. They rule out the people I don't want to date.
CW: That's what I say about all of my weird habits.
T: I'm not a rebel without a cause; I have a cause: it's Chomskyian syntax, dammit! Down with wh- movement!
OH: Look how beautiful and brown it is!
T: Look how beautiful and beige mine is.
O: It's like the purity of your soul versus the darkness of mine.
O: ...no, they only see blue because that's the only wavelength down there. So The Little Mermaid is totally incorrect. She shouldn't have red hair; it should be blue....actually, The Little Mermaid is totally incorrect because they're all bright and tropical down there!!!
T: O, The Little Mermaid is incorrect because mermaids don't exist.
...
O: At least I still have Santa Claus...we don't even have Santa Claus in my religion.
T: You have the angel of death! They leave out milk and cookies and Santa Claus will come; you paint blood on the doorframe and the angel of death won't come!!
O: It tastes like chicken!!
T: Communion wafers taste like chicken?
O: Well, they should, shouldn't they?
O: Oh, I just love pollination. Happyhappyhappy.
O: ...so that just proves that sex isn't gender.
T: No duh sex isn't gender. In French tables have gender but they can't have sex!
O: It's a deformed heart!
T: If your heart is deformed, what does it mean?
C: You have very poorly oxygenated blood.
UT: We just gave them blankets with TB, and alcohol--the Americans shot them.
HW: Apparently, Mike Harris has six toes on one foot.
mum: That's just ignorant.
H: I think that's high school hatred.
dad: Anne Boleyn had six fingers.
UT: What's that? Anne Boleyn?
dad: She had 6 fingers.
UT: And no head.
MW: I want to harvest a bone from somewhere in my body and add it here so I can have a really long finger and point it at people.
mum: I think you're craving something. In your diet.
MW: I don't want to eat it. I'm going to have a really long finger and point it at people.
mum: I'm serious. Calcium.
CW: Who's this?
H: Amy Winehouse. Bad life choices, but she's good.
H: We need more strong women, I feel. You're strong, I think, and I can be strong. You're just....weird.
*CW starts laughing*
H: You just don't fit into any category, which I suppose is what you want, so go you...
O: One of the great things about birthdays is that you can impose your taste upon people.
T: Can you sew?
O: No. When I need to hem my pants, I tape them up with duct tape on the inside.
O: I wouldn't want to tell my grandchildren that.
T: About proposing in lolcat?
O: They'd, like, disown me and I wouldn't be able to put animal hats on them.
O: We're selling things, right? Selling boots?
T: We're selling boots? I thought we were building a Death Star! You lured me in with false pretenses!
C: You could be our PR person.
O: I could. I'd like that. I could be like "Look, it's not scary, at all!"
O: I find our relationship to be really disfunctional because he's like "I want to make kissy faces" and I'm like "I want to talk about my genetics exam and what groceries you're going to buy today..."
T: Politeness is horribly dangerous in communication.
O: I'd be like, "why do I have a shovel in my hand?"
T: To brain someone!
O: If I killed C, then she'd love me!
T: My dear, take some lessons in logic.
T: Because NFs make life bright and beautiful until they're like "ooh, shiny!"
O: When you move your head all the shiny things move and it's hard to concentrate.
T: I don't have thongs. I'm sorry.
C: Yeah, they're not comfortable and they don't even make good slingshots.
T: And they were made...to get you laid.
O: That's what I was thinking but I had too much dignity to say it.
(more rhyming)
O I didn't even get paid for getting laid..
C: Well, that seems inefficient.
M: You could have a really sexy national anthem; what do you guys think about that?
C: How do you mean?
M: Like "Canada makes me hot! Hot! Hot!" What do you guys think?
H: Yessssssss....
O: If it's vegan then it means it's somewhat healthy.
T: I can name you lots of things that are vegan. Turpentine...
O: That would be bad if people had me mind their house. I think they'd reevaluate their values....
T: Have a majordomo. I've always liked the word majordomo.
O: What's his name?
T: Ricardo.
O: I think my mother would actually really appreciate it if I gave her a voodoo doll of me for Mother's Day. And a little mop...
O: Oh sweetness, why must you taste so sweet?
T: Because your brains is hardwired to crave glucose.
C: It's a conspiracy. A conspiracy to make you fat.
O: Conspiracies taste good...
O: I've never been pied. I've always wanted to be pied. On Pi Day...
O: That's my idea for a love confession. I would write "I love you" on a pie and then hit the boy in the face....it would be the last thing he sees...
T: My vibe is pure and sweet and kind and gentle.
C: That just means you're good at deceiving people.
T: And that's my problem how?
(I still question the gentle, by the way)
T: So what did you have for dinner?
CC: I had roast beef and french fries and four little children and I'm expecting...
*laughter*
CC: Oh no! I didn't eat them!!!
T: The only thing I liked about it (gym class) was the rape self defense class.
C: That's because you got to beat someone up.
T: I beat him up goooood. He's remember it for liiiife.
C: I cannot applaud his taste.
T: I thought you said goalies were supposed to be crazy.
C: Yes, but do they have to like country singers?
C: I'd like to see an action movie that doesn't violate any laws of physics. I think it would be revolutionary.
T: 2001: A Space Odyssey didn't violate any laws of physics. I mean, it had aliens in it...
T: Well, there's a magical piece of clothing that will hide any figure flaw. It's called a burqa. It will even hide the flaws of your face...
T: "I'm trying not to look down. I don't want to look down. Oh god, I looked down."
CC: It's like a guy trying not to look at a girl's tits.
(re Ron McLean's reaction to Don Cherry's flowery suit)
April 13, 2008: Mind if I take a gander at your PERT?
S2: Who does a google search on google for "google"?
P1: ...It's a list of the 9 reasons why google can be considered a god.
P1: If people couldn't see what we were looking at, they'd just hear me saying 'oh, that's beautiful' and you saying 'oh yeah, that's good right there' ...
P1: It's really weird to have found another person who gets off on buildings falling apart.
P1: I've gotten no work done today. Leave.
S2: *laughs* Fuck you.
P1: I hate men.
C: Me too. I hate women, too.
P1: They're better, but yeah. I hate all humans.
A1: That's why you're going to be a librarian.
P1: Yeah...if you're going to talk to people who are trying to find out stuff they don't know: that's already a step above most people.
P1: I need to get away from you people. C's telling me she dreams of words...
A1: I fall asleep trying to spell things in Ancient Greek.
P1: *pause* It's ok. I fell asleep trying to think of all the words that change from f to v in the plural...
P1: Do you think that "semantics" is the only good word with "man" in it?
C: Emancipation?
P1: Like, gynecologist, management, menstruation, menopause...
C: Mandibles of death?
P1: ....you bleed when you tear your hymen. "Men" is in there. Semen gets you pregnant....in French, "mentir" is to lie. Coincidence? I think not. Mental....mentally deranged...."Manticore" is cool.
C: That's cool.
P1: You know the worst providence in Canada? Manitoba.
C: Manifestation. That's a cool word.
P1: It can be. Manipulation....
P1: You have emotions, you have emotions...
C: Yes, but I don't use them. To make decisions.
P1: You should have stopped the sentence there. "But I don't use them."
R2: You can tell you didn't sleep because you're not talking.
P1: I'm listening to the music in my head.
R2: As long as it's not the voices, you should be ok.
R2: Wow, everyone looks lively today.
P1: She was, earlier. She punched me. She was going to slap me, she said.
V: You looked like you needed it. For health purposes.
P1: I'm going to use that when the cops show up because I beat my wife. "But she looked like she needed it! For health purposes!"
Q: Oh, it's the fun bunch!
V: What do you mean by that?
Q: What? You guys are fun to be around.
V&P: Fun?
Q: Oh my god, you guys. You give you guys a compliment and you're just like "What do you mean by that? Fun?"
V: WE'RE NOT FUN!!!
Q: "This is library school!"
P1: So, you must be tired from guarding boxes today.
S2: Oh, I wasn't guarding boxes. I was doing something far more glamourous. I was rummaging through them.
P1: And what's really weird for a guy who likes urban decay and backwards conservatism: why the hell did you ever leave St John??
P1: I'm hoping that it's true, because I want to be the first person whose wife told them they wanted to have a baby through Facebook....my claim to fame...I'd be like, "your mum said she wanted to have you through Facebook!"; kid's like "What's Facebook?"
P1: To be fair, I'm on Facebook because my wife told me she wants to have a baby.
J6: With who?
P2: Ok, I think we're all treating that as funnier than it is because we need to.
J6: Come on, it was funny. Don't take that away from me.
P1: I hate you all. Just to make that clear.
J6: All of my conversations have to turn into the morbidly depressing thing.
P2: What were we talking about at dinner last night? Death?
M4: I'm sure he drinks.
J6:...No, I don't talk to Chuck Tony. He just smiles at me in the hall.
S2: Yeah, I get the winks.
P1: But the difference is: 'Damn, I have a paper due on Heidegger. That takes away from my free time, where I....want to read Heidegger!"
P1: See, the difference is she doesn't look decrepit like you.
S2: What, so I'm stupid and decrepit?!
J6: Them's fighting words. I'll get the vegetable oil, and you guys can do Turkish oil wrestling...
S2: ..yeah, he's waiting for it.
P1: Waiting for you to manhandle me? I've been waiting all year...
P1: Do you think McGill University would be such a well-respected university if thee founder's name was McGillicuddy?
S2: And I'm not even going to ask what GANTT stands for.
C: I never bothered to find out either.
G: It never occurred to me that it stood for something. I just thought it was named after Mr. GANTT. Who spelt his name in all caps.
S2: Mind if I take a gander at your PERT?
G: S***, that sounded really inappropriate.
P1: She just likes laughing at other people's pain.
C: Pain's funny.
Q: Other people's only, or yours too?
C: All pain's funny.
Q: *shifts chair* Get away from me!
A2: Do you think the hand size is an indication of anything?
P1: Yeah, small hands...
A2: That's probably why they're always so 'rrrrr!'
P1: You'd be cranky too if you couldn't reach your crotch! ... Ohmygod, poor amputees!
P1: ...It's a list of the 9 reasons why google can be considered a god.
P1: If people couldn't see what we were looking at, they'd just hear me saying 'oh, that's beautiful' and you saying 'oh yeah, that's good right there' ...
P1: It's really weird to have found another person who gets off on buildings falling apart.
P1: I've gotten no work done today. Leave.
S2: *laughs* Fuck you.
P1: I hate men.
C: Me too. I hate women, too.
P1: They're better, but yeah. I hate all humans.
A1: That's why you're going to be a librarian.
P1: Yeah...if you're going to talk to people who are trying to find out stuff they don't know: that's already a step above most people.
P1: I need to get away from you people. C's telling me she dreams of words...
A1: I fall asleep trying to spell things in Ancient Greek.
P1: *pause* It's ok. I fell asleep trying to think of all the words that change from f to v in the plural...
P1: Do you think that "semantics" is the only good word with "man" in it?
C: Emancipation?
P1: Like, gynecologist, management, menstruation, menopause...
C: Mandibles of death?
P1: ....you bleed when you tear your hymen. "Men" is in there. Semen gets you pregnant....in French, "mentir" is to lie. Coincidence? I think not. Mental....mentally deranged...."Manticore" is cool.
C: That's cool.
P1: You know the worst providence in Canada? Manitoba.
C: Manifestation. That's a cool word.
P1: It can be. Manipulation....
P1: You have emotions, you have emotions...
C: Yes, but I don't use them. To make decisions.
P1: You should have stopped the sentence there. "But I don't use them."
R2: You can tell you didn't sleep because you're not talking.
P1: I'm listening to the music in my head.
R2: As long as it's not the voices, you should be ok.
R2: Wow, everyone looks lively today.
P1: She was, earlier. She punched me. She was going to slap me, she said.
V: You looked like you needed it. For health purposes.
P1: I'm going to use that when the cops show up because I beat my wife. "But she looked like she needed it! For health purposes!"
Q: Oh, it's the fun bunch!
V: What do you mean by that?
Q: What? You guys are fun to be around.
V&P: Fun?
Q: Oh my god, you guys. You give you guys a compliment and you're just like "What do you mean by that? Fun?"
V: WE'RE NOT FUN!!!
Q: "This is library school!"
P1: So, you must be tired from guarding boxes today.
S2: Oh, I wasn't guarding boxes. I was doing something far more glamourous. I was rummaging through them.
P1: And what's really weird for a guy who likes urban decay and backwards conservatism: why the hell did you ever leave St John??
P1: I'm hoping that it's true, because I want to be the first person whose wife told them they wanted to have a baby through Facebook....my claim to fame...I'd be like, "your mum said she wanted to have you through Facebook!"; kid's like "What's Facebook?"
P1: To be fair, I'm on Facebook because my wife told me she wants to have a baby.
J6: With who?
P2: Ok, I think we're all treating that as funnier than it is because we need to.
J6: Come on, it was funny. Don't take that away from me.
P1: I hate you all. Just to make that clear.
J6: All of my conversations have to turn into the morbidly depressing thing.
P2: What were we talking about at dinner last night? Death?
M4: I'm sure he drinks.
J6:...No, I don't talk to Chuck Tony. He just smiles at me in the hall.
S2: Yeah, I get the winks.
P1: But the difference is: 'Damn, I have a paper due on Heidegger. That takes away from my free time, where I....want to read Heidegger!"
P1: See, the difference is she doesn't look decrepit like you.
S2: What, so I'm stupid and decrepit?!
J6: Them's fighting words. I'll get the vegetable oil, and you guys can do Turkish oil wrestling...
S2: ..yeah, he's waiting for it.
P1: Waiting for you to manhandle me? I've been waiting all year...
P1: Do you think McGill University would be such a well-respected university if thee founder's name was McGillicuddy?
S2: And I'm not even going to ask what GANTT stands for.
C: I never bothered to find out either.
G: It never occurred to me that it stood for something. I just thought it was named after Mr. GANTT. Who spelt his name in all caps.
S2: Mind if I take a gander at your PERT?
G: S***, that sounded really inappropriate.
P1: She just likes laughing at other people's pain.
C: Pain's funny.
Q: Other people's only, or yours too?
C: All pain's funny.
Q: *shifts chair* Get away from me!
A2: Do you think the hand size is an indication of anything?
P1: Yeah, small hands...
A2: That's probably why they're always so 'rrrrr!'
P1: You'd be cranky too if you couldn't reach your crotch! ... Ohmygod, poor amputees!
S6: Although good marriages have both parties involved in the playoff dates.
D1: Get up, you Greek weakling, get up! You're embarassing me!
S2: Voici le gâteau!
C: Very good french, B***!
S2: Je suis le pamplemousse. Je suis un pamplemousse avec les chaussures verts!
C2: Are you sure that makes us losers, or does that make you a loser?
G: No, really. C, you know what LOLcat is, right?
C: Yes.
G: See? Cats made to talk with grammar, like..
C: Yes but G***? that makes you a loser.
G: Oh, yeah...
S1: Oh my god, you brought the notebook to the party?!??!
G: It's library school students drinking.
S1: Make sure to tell P** that my dark and lonely cave was satisfied. rrrrr from the bathroom... My dark and lonely cave was satisfied by myself!!!
S1: You go to the room and they're like "dance, dammit!" and you're like "why? I'm already freaked out from your artwork!"
S2: Like, the girls are not having fun. It's very low-key, reserved fun...
S2: It's not cardigan season, anymore.
C2: It's always cardigan season, S***!!!
S1: We should get them to play Corey Hart for you!!! If P*** was here, they'd play it like 5 times.
S5: C, are you drunk yet?
C: No; I don't drink.
S5: Because it would be really funny if you were drunk. Not that you're not hilarious when you're sober.
S3: That's my motto: ethical fucking shit all the fucking time!!!
C: The dance floor is so awkward-looking, I love how they're trying to start something, and it's just like...they're librarians.
S5: I know, eh! It's not like, they're too drunk; it's they're too drunk and they're librarians.
C: I fall asleep making up words.
S5: I thought you said you fell asleep making out.
C: That would be rude...
S3: Are you coming out with us later?
J5: Where are we going?
S3: I dunno.
J5: Sounds pretty wild. I'm just a girl from Manitoba...
J5; The thing about Maritime boys is that they're so nice, so they can get you to do all sorts of bad things because they're so nice...
S3: What sorts of bad things?
S3: I can count the people with backbone on the back of my hand. I'm an easy going guy in the army, but....
Q: Yeah, but army....library school...
S3: Maybe it's a farm song. "Ass 'n titties"
S2: It's about animal husbandry!
April 6, 2008: The Quick & Dirty Guide to Inappropriate Library Terminology
J3: I took the personality disorder test and I didn't have one! I felt a little left out...the fact that I'm depressed about not having a disorder makes me question their online free test.
S2: How are you?
K1: *growls*
S2: I know! I was going to bike today, and it was going to be the only good thing about today!
C: You're just judgmental.
J3: I am judgmental about rat tails, yes, I'll admit that.
K1: I am judgmental about rat tails, real & hair.
S2: ..I had a rat tail in, like, grade one or two...
C: Ew.
S2: What do you want from me?! It was, like, grade two! My sartorial sense wasn't developed!
C: Sartorial is clothing.
K1: You post a lot of things about infjs...
C: Intjs..
K1: Yeah, and I'm infj, which is also socially retarded.
C: Yeah? At least you're not voted most likely to be a serial killer.
K1: Oh are you? I'm most likely to be Jesus.
J9: Sorry, Im just out of it; that's why I'm staring out you.
K1: She's stoned.
C: Totally out of it.
K1: I wish I was stoned.
K1: Is it really spiritual?
C2: No, not really.
K1: Good. I just get irritated when books try to tell me things.
C2: It's mostly how humans are evil and we should change the way we live.
K1: I read that, and I'm like 'I like me. I like my friends.'
C2: I like eating meat.
K1: I like bacon...
C: Just say no to what? Drugs? Sex?
J1: It's an abstinence heart.
S2: I am seriously losing it.
P1: You are the worst speller I've ever met.
C: I've met six-year-olds who are worse.
P1: Not me.
C: Really? I've met some stupid six-year olds.
P1: We've already talked about this. We're for the independent Maritimes.
S2: Totally, yeah.
S1: You're already floating out there.
p1: I don't think we're floating.
D1: ...Alberta should seperate.
P1: ...No, totally, the worse decision the Maritimes ever made was to join Canada. We were rich.You guys were poor.
D1: So what are you going to call it?
S2: I dunno...Maritimia?...The People's Republic of Maritimia.
P1: Yeah, we were already having that argument. I was like, 'it's totally a girl,' and she was like, 'I know my body; it's a boy,' and I said 'you don't know shit about your body.'
P1: See, this is what makes me think I'm not a guy. It doesn't bother me when girls talk about their periods.
C: It bothers me. I think it's disgusting.
R2: Yeah, I don't talk about it that much.
P1: I probably talk about it more than you do....shit.
p1: You might get beaten up, though. You keep on laughing at other people's pain.
*C laughs hysterically*
R2: Are you ok?
C: Just losing it a little.
R2: Losing it.
P1: Yeah, like you talk like this is a process you're undergoing.
R2: You've already lost it.
P1: Sit down and grab some imaginary ass with V*** here....I said imaginary.
J1: But it's right there.
P1: I didnt say the ass of your dreams.
V1: I dated a guy like that.
P1: "I like no boobs, no ass, and the body of a twelve-year old boy."
J1: That flies in the face of all evolutionary biology.
P1: Why not like guys?
P1: I would not be surprised if he wrote a song called "The Rape of the Lock" just to piss off his fans, because they'd be like 'cool, rape!'
P1: You know who I hate? Old people.
Q: You know, there's a problem with that, because you're going to be old someday.
P1: Yeah, but when I'm old, I'm not going to call an ambulance at 3am because I'm having trouble breathing.. You're old.
P1: Did you know there are 3 Dali paintings in Fredericton? Yeah, because Lord Beaverbrook used to hang around with Dali all the time.
C: Really?
Q: Lord Beaverbrook?
P1: Yeah. I call him Jebediah Fredericton, because Lord Beaverbrook was basically the Conrad Black of his time only he didn't steal the money.
Q: I went to Ottawa on the weekend, and you know what I noticed? This country is really sparsely populated....there was nothing, just like, trees and snow...
C: What, you don't like trees and snow?
P1: You're in the wrong fucking country, buddy.
P1: You're wearing a skirt.
C: Yeah, I really need to do laundry one of these days.
P1; It's freaking me out.
C: I'm running out of clothing!
P1: Hence the sweatpants yesterday?
C: Exactly.
P1: I like how you went Walmart slobby before dressy.
C: I gotta be me.
P1: Ever notice how people with a droopy bottom lip are always stupid?...There's no one with it at this school...it's like, you don't have the cognitive power to keep your lip from drooping...There's like normal, mouth breather, and mouth breather droopy bottom lip tard. Yeah. Someone should do a study. And after they do the study, I should do a user needs assessment....
P1: I'd like to check this book into your library and by book I mean my penis...and by library I mean any of your 3 orifices....'
S1: I'll guide your tool...
p1: Let me shelve this...I'll let you fill in the blanks..
S1: All our portals are open access...
P1: Quick&dirty....
S1: Let me service your needs.
P1: We need to write a guide..."The Quick & Dirty Guide to Inappropriate Library Terminology"
S1: If I have any children, they're not drinking any cow milk.
P1: Neither are mine, but for different reasons.
S1: It's like weird, freakish boobs out to here...no, it's genetics too, I'm sure. I'm not complaining about the boobs.
P1: I am. I'm flat...
S1: B*** totally wants P***. He just followed him with his eyes. He's totally jealous of S***.
P1; Don't you just want to pull W***'s ponytail?
C: I know eh? I hate sitting behind people with ponytails; I just want to yank it.
P!: Don't you just want to pull it and floss with it?
C: Nooo...
P1: She keeps whipping it around, like something in my teeth.
S1: Apparently all the library school girls are like sex fiends.
P1: Yeah, I heard at this end of school party, even the lonely girls bring their vibrators and go to town...You open the bathroom door and it's just like rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
P1: I'm going to miss hitting on that guy for four months.
C: You'll just have to find someone else to hit on.
P1: Maybe I'll hit on my wife.
Q: She'll just look at you funny. 'What are you doing?'
S2: How are you?
K1: *growls*
S2: I know! I was going to bike today, and it was going to be the only good thing about today!
C: You're just judgmental.
J3: I am judgmental about rat tails, yes, I'll admit that.
K1: I am judgmental about rat tails, real & hair.
S2: ..I had a rat tail in, like, grade one or two...
C: Ew.
S2: What do you want from me?! It was, like, grade two! My sartorial sense wasn't developed!
C: Sartorial is clothing.
K1: You post a lot of things about infjs...
C: Intjs..
K1: Yeah, and I'm infj, which is also socially retarded.
C: Yeah? At least you're not voted most likely to be a serial killer.
K1: Oh are you? I'm most likely to be Jesus.
J9: Sorry, Im just out of it; that's why I'm staring out you.
K1: She's stoned.
C: Totally out of it.
K1: I wish I was stoned.
K1: Is it really spiritual?
C2: No, not really.
K1: Good. I just get irritated when books try to tell me things.
C2: It's mostly how humans are evil and we should change the way we live.
K1: I read that, and I'm like 'I like me. I like my friends.'
C2: I like eating meat.
K1: I like bacon...
C: Just say no to what? Drugs? Sex?
J1: It's an abstinence heart.
S2: I am seriously losing it.
P1: You are the worst speller I've ever met.
C: I've met six-year-olds who are worse.
P1: Not me.
C: Really? I've met some stupid six-year olds.
P1: We've already talked about this. We're for the independent Maritimes.
S2: Totally, yeah.
S1: You're already floating out there.
p1: I don't think we're floating.
D1: ...Alberta should seperate.
P1: ...No, totally, the worse decision the Maritimes ever made was to join Canada. We were rich.You guys were poor.
D1: So what are you going to call it?
S2: I dunno...Maritimia?...The People's Republic of Maritimia.
P1: Yeah, we were already having that argument. I was like, 'it's totally a girl,' and she was like, 'I know my body; it's a boy,' and I said 'you don't know shit about your body.'
P1: See, this is what makes me think I'm not a guy. It doesn't bother me when girls talk about their periods.
C: It bothers me. I think it's disgusting.
R2: Yeah, I don't talk about it that much.
P1: I probably talk about it more than you do....shit.
p1: You might get beaten up, though. You keep on laughing at other people's pain.
*C laughs hysterically*
R2: Are you ok?
C: Just losing it a little.
R2: Losing it.
P1: Yeah, like you talk like this is a process you're undergoing.
R2: You've already lost it.
P1: Sit down and grab some imaginary ass with V*** here....I said imaginary.
J1: But it's right there.
P1: I didnt say the ass of your dreams.
V1: I dated a guy like that.
P1: "I like no boobs, no ass, and the body of a twelve-year old boy."
J1: That flies in the face of all evolutionary biology.
P1: Why not like guys?
P1: I would not be surprised if he wrote a song called "The Rape of the Lock" just to piss off his fans, because they'd be like 'cool, rape!'
P1: You know who I hate? Old people.
Q: You know, there's a problem with that, because you're going to be old someday.
P1: Yeah, but when I'm old, I'm not going to call an ambulance at 3am because I'm having trouble breathing.. You're old.
P1: Did you know there are 3 Dali paintings in Fredericton? Yeah, because Lord Beaverbrook used to hang around with Dali all the time.
C: Really?
Q: Lord Beaverbrook?
P1: Yeah. I call him Jebediah Fredericton, because Lord Beaverbrook was basically the Conrad Black of his time only he didn't steal the money.
Q: I went to Ottawa on the weekend, and you know what I noticed? This country is really sparsely populated....there was nothing, just like, trees and snow...
C: What, you don't like trees and snow?
P1: You're in the wrong fucking country, buddy.
P1: You're wearing a skirt.
C: Yeah, I really need to do laundry one of these days.
P1; It's freaking me out.
C: I'm running out of clothing!
P1: Hence the sweatpants yesterday?
C: Exactly.
P1: I like how you went Walmart slobby before dressy.
C: I gotta be me.
P1: Ever notice how people with a droopy bottom lip are always stupid?...There's no one with it at this school...it's like, you don't have the cognitive power to keep your lip from drooping...There's like normal, mouth breather, and mouth breather droopy bottom lip tard. Yeah. Someone should do a study. And after they do the study, I should do a user needs assessment....
P1: I'd like to check this book into your library and by book I mean my penis...and by library I mean any of your 3 orifices....'
S1: I'll guide your tool...
p1: Let me shelve this...I'll let you fill in the blanks..
S1: All our portals are open access...
P1: Quick&dirty....
S1: Let me service your needs.
P1: We need to write a guide..."The Quick & Dirty Guide to Inappropriate Library Terminology"
S1: If I have any children, they're not drinking any cow milk.
P1: Neither are mine, but for different reasons.
S1: It's like weird, freakish boobs out to here...no, it's genetics too, I'm sure. I'm not complaining about the boobs.
P1: I am. I'm flat...
S1: B*** totally wants P***. He just followed him with his eyes. He's totally jealous of S***.
P1; Don't you just want to pull W***'s ponytail?
C: I know eh? I hate sitting behind people with ponytails; I just want to yank it.
P!: Don't you just want to pull it and floss with it?
C: Nooo...
P1: She keeps whipping it around, like something in my teeth.
S1: Apparently all the library school girls are like sex fiends.
P1: Yeah, I heard at this end of school party, even the lonely girls bring their vibrators and go to town...You open the bathroom door and it's just like rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
P1: I'm going to miss hitting on that guy for four months.
C: You'll just have to find someone else to hit on.
P1: Maybe I'll hit on my wife.
Q: She'll just look at you funny. 'What are you doing?'
March 28, 200: I made a poster with Hello Kitty characters and I still got an A
B4: It looks pretty cheesy.
S1: I know, but it has Eric Bana in tights.
P1: I can sit in your lap? Has the day finally come where we can show our love in public? ‘Cause we do it all the time in private…
S2: I’m still pretty much a closet case, P***. I’m not confident enough in my sexuality…
P1: I want to go. Can we go?
C: You need to learn to meditate. Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth…Slowly, you idiot.
J6: I wanted to be closer to S*** But not C.
C: Well, who would? I radiate evil.
J6: I wasn’t going so much for radiate evil, as smell…
C: I was using ‘radiate’ as a poetic word for smell…
S8: You’re drinking beer four days after declaring yourself straight edge.
S2: Yeah…
J6: And it wasn’t really straight edge.
S8: And he modified the definition of straight edge.
S2: Two beers.
S2: I find when I’m around you and P***, I sigh a lot.
C: Yes, I’ve noticed that.
S2: It’s also the subject matter. It would be pretty weird if you were pretentious about being in library school.
G2: There are some. But they stand out as being pretty…well…
M4: People liked to dress up for their presentations…I was pretty surprised when someone went to see a makeup artist for their presentation. For Research Principles and Analysis!
S2: Easter…that’s on Sunday, right?
C *hysterical laughter*
G2 writes: she lost it at Easter time
J3: We were expressing our disdain for makeup products in a purse.
C: and purses.
S2: I have a purse.
C *hysterical laughter*
S2: Well, what else would I call it?! It’s a purse!
J6: It’s a bag! I have a bag just like it!!!
J7: Let’s solve this with archival description—no, come on, it’ll be funny!
C: I don’t think more beer will help.
J3: There’s always the hope, delusional though it may be.
M4: It’s the humble thoughts of a North Montrealer. But I should be mayor. And, don’t worry, I’ll take care of the snow.
J7: I used to make up stories when I was a tour guide about Labrador. Like, “It was called the Golden Isle…”
S2 (nostalgically): It was my first tear gas.
G2: Was it fruitful?
S2: I’d say it was, yes.
C: I still think he’s a vampire.
S8: Who?? Did you just say Jesus is a vampire?
J6: No, he’s a vampire slayer. Did any of you see the movie Jesus the Vampire slayer?
M4: My neighbour, who’s a witch, she’s a prostitute. She’s really old…I couldn’t believe it when the police first came. I was like ‘NO!!!!!
S8: She’s talented.
J3: Multi-talented if she’s also a witch.
S8: I’m improving my vocabulary every day. “pimp”-“pimp.”
M4: You speak French and you don’t even know it.
S2: Oh my god there are two? I didn’t know there were two! Je ne suis pas ton blonde!!!
__________________________
OH: She was like, you only live once, so you might as well do things that make you happy.
CW: You only die once too.
O: That’s besides the point.
TNV: You can die more than once if you have out of body experiences. Clinical death.
O: That’s true.
CW: I intend to die only once. That sounds terribly inefficient.
CC: So I went to Health Services and I said “Hi, I’ve been having violent dry heaves and fainting and I feel funny.” and they said “You’re pregnant.” and I said “No I’m not!” but they made me take a pregnancy test…but I got my deferral so it came out alright.
O: There’s something in the air at Carleton.
O: I was like, what do you do with bullies? I would tattle to the teacher. Oh, wait, she’s sleeping with the teacher…everything went downhill after puberty.
CC: I can’t believe I got hit on and didn’t even know it!!
CC: Some people are really depressed because they don’t have any good friends or someone to care for...
T: Or it’s the time of year, they don’t have sunlight, or chocolate…
CW: Or they’re in library school…
O: You could be like a honey trap. “With one look, I can make a professor pop a boner in class.” I’m sure there’s a demand for that in the workforce.
T: Well he smoked a lot and he took drugs a lot. He was like the Kurt Cobain of Russia, only better.
O: Please write that, it made me happy…you’re like the secretary, that’s awesome.
T: The sexy blonde secretary.
CW: I believe in self-respect!!
O: Library school teaches you self-respect?
CW: I’m trying to hold onto it for dear life.
CC: I told everyone I know about your Archie comic project.
CW: Oh god…
O: So, if I ever had a child, I’m going to give every one of them ‘Danger’ as their middle name. So they can legitimately say “Danger is my middle name.”…I’m going to write the best book about parenting ever. I’ll be the L. Ron Hubbard of parenting.
O: You know what I totally want to do? I want to go on a speed-dating thing, and the first thing I do when they sit down, is say “I don’t like you; go away.”
T: When I wrote a poem to study for my calculus exam, it was possibly the stupidest poem in the history of the universe. I rhymed “Stokes” with “blokes” because I needed to remember Stokes theorem…
O: I’ve got an idea. We’re all good at nerdy things, right? We should write a book about nerdy studying things.
CC: “Nerd Tips for Retards.”
O: So rejection is just “I don’t want to make kissy faces with you and have sexy time with you” but nothing else is contingent upon it except sexy time…apparently whenever I talk about relationships then I do hand puppets. It’s like “I like you” I like you too” “mwah!” I told that too my prof and she was like “…”
C: People always tell me that I’m hard to read, but I’m like ‘but everything I say is accurate and relevant to the discussion! Why are you reading my expression???’
O: It’s because most people are used to functioning on a monkey level and when they meet a real human being, they don’t know how to deal with it…
O: “Roses are red/ Violets are blue / Xylem is dead / And so are you.” That was my little mnemonic poem.
__________________________
C: The pope cancelled purgatory, did you hear that?
JW: Yeah, he cancelled it, what the hell??
Dad: I was looking forward to that.
__________________________
C: Is it a problem that, in my personal music collection, I have a folder called “Music People Cut Themselves To”?
J1: It’s not healthy, maybe…
S2: I missed that.
S1 She’ll(L) cut hair for sexual favours.
S2: Now I’m booked 3 times today.
C2: S**’s a big whore.
J1: It’s ten minutes well-spent…eight…
C: I still think a catapult is a perfectly appropriate reaction to an overly large spoon.
J1: ‘Mah spoon is too big!’
C: Yet another way men are from Mars and women are from Venus? Because according to all those studies, I’m a man.
V: That’s why were not doing management styles, C.
P1: I feel like I’m going to tell somebody off real soon.
A1: You said that last year, and I waited.
P1: No, I said I was going to tell off a specific person, but I’m telling you guys because if it was one of you, I’m sorry and it was completely uncalled for.
A1: That’s ok, I’ll just kick you in the nuts.
P1: Except you with your notebook. That would be called for.
S8: Is it wrong to hate people because they’re stupid?
C: No.
S8: Good. Because I hate a lot of people because they’re stupid.
S2: Tell me. Whisper it tenderly into my ear, P***.
P1: Anything for you, S***. Tonight, when we’re along, just the two of us…
C: We all know you weren’t really talking.
P1: It was mostly pillow talk. It nibbled on that spot that really gets me…why do you do this to yourself?
S2: What, talk to you?
P1: Yes.
P1: ..A*** asked me, ‘who would you rather have a girl or a guy?’ and I said ‘Well, there are a lot more dishes to be done, than driveways to be shoveled, so I guess a girl’ it was just the first thing that came into my head…
S2: …It’s this skill that people who aren’t P** learn…
P1: What’s that?
S2: It’s like, before you speak, there’s this filter: “Will I be beaten for saying this?”
C: ..I kind of respect her for that. But I still think she’s too perky.
P1: We can’t all be the Angel of Death like you. If a guy showed up on a date with flowers, you’d be like…
C: I prefer trees.
P1: …“Thanks for giving me dead flowers. They’re dead now. Withering.”
P1: What are you doing here?
A1: Oh, I have to meet my who-who.
P1: Your hoo-hoo? That’s usually something that’s attached to your body.
A1: Oh, then my them-them.
P1: Then I know what you’re talking about. Please don’t call it that again.
K1?: I used to babysit and whenever I answered the phone they’d think I was the kid. And so I answered like I was. “Yeah, mumma’s fine..”
P1: I need to go poopoo now, bye.”
P1: I worked at an apartment building for elderly people and that’s why I know what it’s like to be a women. These creepy old men and these creepy old women were checking me out….I was walking down the hallway and I’d hear these doors open and this creepy old lady would be peeking out the door, like “ghgssh…” I know what it feels like to be an object.
J8: And when they flirt with you when you get them their coffee. And it’s just like.. “yeah…I’ll get you some more jello.”
K1: They just want your blood. So they can grow young again.
S1: I made a poster with Hello Kitty characters and I still got an A.
C: Archie comics. I told my friends that…
S1: Oh, I don’t tell anyone that…
C: …and they’re still disseminating the story.
S1:..because they’d think I was in a mental institution and just pretending I was in Grad School.
S2: Are you telling me it was better than Tim Horton’s Museum of Awesomeness and Institute for Advanced Research?? Because that was a special moment we shared together!
S1 You’re breaking his heart.
P1: No, listen. The first part she presented her PhD research on information seeking models and then we made our own. I was working with K**, C3, and some girl I didn’t know…
S2: C3? C3? *storms out*
J1: You seem like the kind of person who wouldn’t want to bring children into this cruel world.
P1: I want to teach them to hate the same things I hate.
S1: he wants to have minions, not children.
--Various, what if they disagree with you, become uber-religious speculations--
P1: So long as they’re not Baptists.
…S2: What if they become Republicans?
P1: They’re going to be disowned for living in the States first of all.
S1: I know, but it has Eric Bana in tights.
P1: I can sit in your lap? Has the day finally come where we can show our love in public? ‘Cause we do it all the time in private…
S2: I’m still pretty much a closet case, P***. I’m not confident enough in my sexuality…
P1: I want to go. Can we go?
C: You need to learn to meditate. Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth…Slowly, you idiot.
J6: I wanted to be closer to S*** But not C.
C: Well, who would? I radiate evil.
J6: I wasn’t going so much for radiate evil, as smell…
C: I was using ‘radiate’ as a poetic word for smell…
S8: You’re drinking beer four days after declaring yourself straight edge.
S2: Yeah…
J6: And it wasn’t really straight edge.
S8: And he modified the definition of straight edge.
S2: Two beers.
S2: I find when I’m around you and P***, I sigh a lot.
C: Yes, I’ve noticed that.
S2: It’s also the subject matter. It would be pretty weird if you were pretentious about being in library school.
G2: There are some. But they stand out as being pretty…well…
M4: People liked to dress up for their presentations…I was pretty surprised when someone went to see a makeup artist for their presentation. For Research Principles and Analysis!
S2: Easter…that’s on Sunday, right?
C *hysterical laughter*
G2 writes: she lost it at Easter time
J3: We were expressing our disdain for makeup products in a purse.
C: and purses.
S2: I have a purse.
C *hysterical laughter*
S2: Well, what else would I call it?! It’s a purse!
J6: It’s a bag! I have a bag just like it!!!
J7: Let’s solve this with archival description—no, come on, it’ll be funny!
C: I don’t think more beer will help.
J3: There’s always the hope, delusional though it may be.
M4: It’s the humble thoughts of a North Montrealer. But I should be mayor. And, don’t worry, I’ll take care of the snow.
J7: I used to make up stories when I was a tour guide about Labrador. Like, “It was called the Golden Isle…”
S2 (nostalgically): It was my first tear gas.
G2: Was it fruitful?
S2: I’d say it was, yes.
C: I still think he’s a vampire.
S8: Who?? Did you just say Jesus is a vampire?
J6: No, he’s a vampire slayer. Did any of you see the movie Jesus the Vampire slayer?
M4: My neighbour, who’s a witch, she’s a prostitute. She’s really old…I couldn’t believe it when the police first came. I was like ‘NO!!!!!
S8: She’s talented.
J3: Multi-talented if she’s also a witch.
S8: I’m improving my vocabulary every day. “pimp”-“pimp.”
M4: You speak French and you don’t even know it.
S2: Oh my god there are two? I didn’t know there were two! Je ne suis pas ton blonde!!!
__________________________
OH: She was like, you only live once, so you might as well do things that make you happy.
CW: You only die once too.
O: That’s besides the point.
TNV: You can die more than once if you have out of body experiences. Clinical death.
O: That’s true.
CW: I intend to die only once. That sounds terribly inefficient.
CC: So I went to Health Services and I said “Hi, I’ve been having violent dry heaves and fainting and I feel funny.” and they said “You’re pregnant.” and I said “No I’m not!” but they made me take a pregnancy test…but I got my deferral so it came out alright.
O: There’s something in the air at Carleton.
O: I was like, what do you do with bullies? I would tattle to the teacher. Oh, wait, she’s sleeping with the teacher…everything went downhill after puberty.
CC: I can’t believe I got hit on and didn’t even know it!!
CC: Some people are really depressed because they don’t have any good friends or someone to care for...
T: Or it’s the time of year, they don’t have sunlight, or chocolate…
CW: Or they’re in library school…
O: You could be like a honey trap. “With one look, I can make a professor pop a boner in class.” I’m sure there’s a demand for that in the workforce.
T: Well he smoked a lot and he took drugs a lot. He was like the Kurt Cobain of Russia, only better.
O: Please write that, it made me happy…you’re like the secretary, that’s awesome.
T: The sexy blonde secretary.
CW: I believe in self-respect!!
O: Library school teaches you self-respect?
CW: I’m trying to hold onto it for dear life.
CC: I told everyone I know about your Archie comic project.
CW: Oh god…
O: So, if I ever had a child, I’m going to give every one of them ‘Danger’ as their middle name. So they can legitimately say “Danger is my middle name.”…I’m going to write the best book about parenting ever. I’ll be the L. Ron Hubbard of parenting.
O: You know what I totally want to do? I want to go on a speed-dating thing, and the first thing I do when they sit down, is say “I don’t like you; go away.”
T: When I wrote a poem to study for my calculus exam, it was possibly the stupidest poem in the history of the universe. I rhymed “Stokes” with “blokes” because I needed to remember Stokes theorem…
O: I’ve got an idea. We’re all good at nerdy things, right? We should write a book about nerdy studying things.
CC: “Nerd Tips for Retards.”
O: So rejection is just “I don’t want to make kissy faces with you and have sexy time with you” but nothing else is contingent upon it except sexy time…apparently whenever I talk about relationships then I do hand puppets. It’s like “I like you” I like you too” “mwah!” I told that too my prof and she was like “…”
C: People always tell me that I’m hard to read, but I’m like ‘but everything I say is accurate and relevant to the discussion! Why are you reading my expression???’
O: It’s because most people are used to functioning on a monkey level and when they meet a real human being, they don’t know how to deal with it…
O: “Roses are red/ Violets are blue / Xylem is dead / And so are you.” That was my little mnemonic poem.
__________________________
C: The pope cancelled purgatory, did you hear that?
JW: Yeah, he cancelled it, what the hell??
Dad: I was looking forward to that.
__________________________
C: Is it a problem that, in my personal music collection, I have a folder called “Music People Cut Themselves To”?
J1: It’s not healthy, maybe…
S2: I missed that.
S1 She’ll(L) cut hair for sexual favours.
S2: Now I’m booked 3 times today.
C2: S**’s a big whore.
J1: It’s ten minutes well-spent…eight…
C: I still think a catapult is a perfectly appropriate reaction to an overly large spoon.
J1: ‘Mah spoon is too big!’
C: Yet another way men are from Mars and women are from Venus? Because according to all those studies, I’m a man.
V: That’s why were not doing management styles, C.
P1: I feel like I’m going to tell somebody off real soon.
A1: You said that last year, and I waited.
P1: No, I said I was going to tell off a specific person, but I’m telling you guys because if it was one of you, I’m sorry and it was completely uncalled for.
A1: That’s ok, I’ll just kick you in the nuts.
P1: Except you with your notebook. That would be called for.
S8: Is it wrong to hate people because they’re stupid?
C: No.
S8: Good. Because I hate a lot of people because they’re stupid.
S2: Tell me. Whisper it tenderly into my ear, P***.
P1: Anything for you, S***. Tonight, when we’re along, just the two of us…
C: We all know you weren’t really talking.
P1: It was mostly pillow talk. It nibbled on that spot that really gets me…why do you do this to yourself?
S2: What, talk to you?
P1: Yes.
P1: ..A*** asked me, ‘who would you rather have a girl or a guy?’ and I said ‘Well, there are a lot more dishes to be done, than driveways to be shoveled, so I guess a girl’ it was just the first thing that came into my head…
S2: …It’s this skill that people who aren’t P** learn…
P1: What’s that?
S2: It’s like, before you speak, there’s this filter: “Will I be beaten for saying this?”
C: ..I kind of respect her for that. But I still think she’s too perky.
P1: We can’t all be the Angel of Death like you. If a guy showed up on a date with flowers, you’d be like…
C: I prefer trees.
P1: …“Thanks for giving me dead flowers. They’re dead now. Withering.”
P1: What are you doing here?
A1: Oh, I have to meet my who-who.
P1: Your hoo-hoo? That’s usually something that’s attached to your body.
A1: Oh, then my them-them.
P1: Then I know what you’re talking about. Please don’t call it that again.
K1?: I used to babysit and whenever I answered the phone they’d think I was the kid. And so I answered like I was. “Yeah, mumma’s fine..”
P1: I need to go poopoo now, bye.”
P1: I worked at an apartment building for elderly people and that’s why I know what it’s like to be a women. These creepy old men and these creepy old women were checking me out….I was walking down the hallway and I’d hear these doors open and this creepy old lady would be peeking out the door, like “ghgssh…” I know what it feels like to be an object.
J8: And when they flirt with you when you get them their coffee. And it’s just like.. “yeah…I’ll get you some more jello.”
K1: They just want your blood. So they can grow young again.
S1: I made a poster with Hello Kitty characters and I still got an A.
C: Archie comics. I told my friends that…
S1: Oh, I don’t tell anyone that…
C: …and they’re still disseminating the story.
S1:..because they’d think I was in a mental institution and just pretending I was in Grad School.
S2: Are you telling me it was better than Tim Horton’s Museum of Awesomeness and Institute for Advanced Research?? Because that was a special moment we shared together!
S1 You’re breaking his heart.
P1: No, listen. The first part she presented her PhD research on information seeking models and then we made our own. I was working with K**, C3, and some girl I didn’t know…
S2: C3? C3? *storms out*
J1: You seem like the kind of person who wouldn’t want to bring children into this cruel world.
P1: I want to teach them to hate the same things I hate.
S1: he wants to have minions, not children.
--Various, what if they disagree with you, become uber-religious speculations--
P1: So long as they’re not Baptists.
…S2: What if they become Republicans?
P1: They’re going to be disowned for living in the States first of all.
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